Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Scratches" aka EWW, EWW, OMG EWW

Please be warned. This recap contains spoilers from the book, and it also contains speculation about what might happen later this season. If you don't want it to be spoiled/possibly spoiled, please don't click on the cut! For the rest of you...

Previously on True Blood…

Sookie proposes to Tara, and Maryann gets the mega-hump. Jason has a PTSD-style freak out and almost kills Douche Wife. Eggs tells Tara of his sordid past, and then gets the mega-hump when she isn’t all OMG I LOVE convicted felons! Lafayette tried to bust out of Fangtasia, but Ginger the Skank shot him. Lafayette asked Eric to make him a vampire, but Eric had reservations. Reservations about making him a vampire, not about NOMNOMNOMing him, which he did. Maryann made everybody feel all SEXY SEXY at Merlotte’s, except Sam, who had the mega-hump, and so Maryann turned him into a collie. Bill got the mega-hump because Eric wants to borrow Sookie for an investigation, and Jessica totally broke her promise and ran inside her parent’s house which resulted in Bill having to come and save the day, growling and yelling at Sookie as he did so.

So, they try to do this clever thing where it looks like the beginning of the pilot, all driving fast in the back roads. Sookie is all OMG BILL SLOW DOWN I’M SKURED! Bill looks hilarious driving Sookie’s car, and he pulls over, and Sookie tries to apologize, saying that it was Jessica’s family OMG! This does NO GOOD and Bill says SHE IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Meanwhile, Jessica has been crying her bloody tears in the backseat, and she is all OMG I H8 j00! Bill does not care and smacks her down with a good old “BE QUIET!” Jessica harrumphs and is out of the conversation. Bill tells Sookie that she undermined his authority as Jessica’s maker, and we also learn that he didn’t eat Jessica’s family. He simply glamoured them all to bits, and Sookie tries to apologize again, but Bill FINALLY steps up to her and says, “You keep saying that…and I am expected to what? Forget this ever happened?” BURN, SOOKIE. Sookie gives him some excuse about how she thought of Gran when Jessica brought up her family, but Bill is so past the point of caring about Gran, and Sookie FINALLY gets out her Woman Empowerment Cape and throws open the door. Bill’s crazy accent disappears as he says “What are you doing?” Sookie flaps her cape about and tells him she’d rather walk the 20 miles back to Bon Temps then stay in the car another second with Bill! OOH, GURRRL. Bill gets back in the car, and Jessica tells him OMG, dude, she wants you to go after to her all dramatic-like. But Bill has too much pride for that, and he simply says that she will come back once she’s got that cape business out of her system.

Meanwhile, Sookie is walking down the scariest path known to man, and for the first time, I realize just how short her shorts are and just how much junk Sookie has in her trunk. Wowsers. So, Sookie is walking with her SEXY SEXY backside, and she starts to hear…yes, wait for it…Scary Noises! She thinks it’s Bill, but it’s definitely NOT Bill. She turns around and up the road she sees…I have no freaking idea what that thing is. It has bull horns, but it stands on two legs, and it has crazy claws like Gnarl from “Buffy.“ It’s a Bull Man Thing, and anyway, it runs after Sookie and, of course, catches her, and it scratches the holy hell out of her back, and down she goes. Bill’s Sookie Sense starts tingling, and he’s off to the races to find her, as BMT’s hand menaces Sookie’s helpless form.

Credits. WOOOO!

Let me just pause to say that it looks like they’re trying to get back into some kind of groove with the books because this scene plays out in “Living Dead in Dallas,” though it is very different. I’m not sure what the hell this BMT is, but whatever. I’m going to go with it for now. But I reserve the right to cry OMFG FOUL any time I want!

Anyway, back on the Road of Scary Noises and Death, Bill vampires up the road to see Sookie laying in the road, and he gets this really choked up voice as he runs over to help her, and it gets your heart a little. He rolls her over, and she is all screaming in pain and tells him it was a bull human (?) and that she can’t move. (JUST like Gnarl in Buffy!) Bill bites his wrist and feeds it to Sookie, but she takes one sip and then starts seizing and foaming at the mouth. It’s pretty disgusting. Jessica shows up to say just how gross it is, and Bill tells her to get the car. Next thing we know, they’re pulling up outside of Fangtasia because Bill can’t solve his own problems and always has to run to Eric. (This becomes a theme, by the way, and it becomes very ironic. Tee hee.) Bill OMG ORDERS Jessica to go home.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is totally traumatized from his meeting with Maryann, and it’s actually kind of cute. Daphne tiptoes in with this horrible look on her face and tells him that she’s short for the night. Like WAY short, and Sam gets some of his old nag back and tells her she has to pay for it herself. Daphne pouts and gives him all the tips she has, pretty much saying OMG MEANIE as she flees the room. Tara is up next, and you can just tell that Sam does not want to deal with her. He tells her that he doesn’t want Maryann in the bar anymore, and he tells Tara to stay away from her because she doesn’t know her. Well, neither did he, but he slept with her. All Tara has done is eat mangoes and smoke weed!

Next, it’s back to Fangtasia, and we get to see first hand what BMT did to Sookie, and let me tell you, it is gross. Her back is clawed all to hell, and she wakes up to see a strange old lady wearing scrubs. Those of us who know who this lady is go OMG YAAAAAY, and those of you who don’t probably go, WHOA she is weird looking. Let me tell you, she is less weird than she is in the books. Anyway, she is Dr. Ludwig, and she is old and sassy and has no love for vampires, which is shows when she tells Bill to STFU and let her work on Sookie. Eric’s deadpan drawls from the corner, and we see he is watching the whole scene very unimpressed, and he’s still wearing the hideous track suit. Dr. Ludwig tells us that Sookie is poisoned, and she tells the vampires to get out because she has to take off Sookie’s clothes. Um, hello? She and Bill have SEXY SEX all the time, but I’m guessing this isn’t going to be SEXY SEX, and she doesn’t want them trying to interfere as she works. Bill tries to say how sorry he is, but Sookie just barfs up some more foam, which is pretty much how I’m starting to feel about Bill and Sookie, in general. How romantic.

In Eric’s office, Eric and Bill are trying to figure out just what in the hell mauled poor Sookie. Eric says that even in a thousand years he hasn’t heard of this thing, and he tells Pam and Chow to go search the woods. Pam says Chow can do it because she’s wearing her new pumps, and we love Pam just a little bit more now. Eric orders her in Swedish, and she goes -_- but gives in and stalks out. “She is extremely lazy, but loyal,” Eric says, then asks about Jessica. Bill tells him that she is junk, and Eric seems to find this funny. Bill tries to go back to Sookie, but Eric tells him not to worry. Dr. Ludwig treated one of Pam’s humans when he was bitten by a werewolf, and he only lost an eye! Yay!

Just then, Sookie starts screaming bloody murder as Dr. Ludwig pours something all over her back, and it makes the wounds smoke, and the whole thing is very, very disgusting. Sookie is screaming and crying and writhing, and Dr. Ludwig DIGS into one of the scratches, and I thought we couldn’t get more gross than Lafayette digging into A.B.’s leg meat to get the metal rod out, but I was wrong.

Somewhere over in Texas, Jason wakes up screaming at the same time as Sookie is getting “medical attention,” and AWW, that is kind of cute. It’s like some weird twin thing where he knows that Sookie is in pain. He looks around the Cult Camp dorm and then goes PHEW and lays back down, but then AHAHAHA, one of the greatest moments ever happens. We hear a very familiar voice says, “Oooooh, you’re so warm, and I’m so cold.” And then FREAKING EDDIE is in the bed with Jason all snuggly-buggly like. Jason is all O.O U R DED THIS AIN’T REAL, and Eddie goes “OOOOH, does this feel real?” And I thought for a minute he was going to try to sex him up, but no, instead, Eddie pulls Jason’s head back and bites his neck.

Annnd, Jason wakes up AGAIN at Cult Camp and is all O.O. Poor Jason. He starts to pray, and it’s all very sincere, until stupid Luke throws a pillow at him and tells him to STFU. Jason hugs his pillow and pouts and tries to go back to sleep.

Back in the Office of the Worst Doctor Ever, Dr. Ludwig is cleaning Sookie up, but her back is still all mauled, and Eric and Bill are there watching. Bill is all petpet to Sookie, but Eric is all drooly fang man staring at Sookie’s decimated back. Creepy, but hilarious. Dr. Ludwig tells them they can give her blood now, and Bill goes to bite his wrist, but Eric vampires around and tells him, “Mine is much stronger. Allow me.” Bill says OMG NEVER, and Eric laughs and gives in. Bill lets Sookie drink, and there is something weird about Eric watching this happen. I don’t know. Maybe that sort of thing should be private? Anyway, Pam and Chow come back in, and Pam’s pumps are RUINED, and they tell Eric the thing had human tracks but animal smell. On their way out, Eric says, “And Pam…those were great pumps.” BWUAHAH. She looks like she wants to stab him. Bill says he doesn’t want to move Sookie, and Eric says they can stay. Bill gets to use Longshadow’s old coffin which “might be a bit messy.” Bwuaha, again. Bill says thank you to Eric for all the help, and then we see a bit of Eric that is EXACTLY like the books when he says that he’s sure there’s a way she can repay him, meaning that bitch is going to Dallas now whether Bill likes it or not. Bill realizes this, and we get DUH DUH DUUUUUH except in pretty violin form.

Let me take a break for a moment to discuss something about this show. This is going to veer off into speculation and contain spoilers for the books and what might possibly happen on the show, so you have been warned. Those of us who have read the books know that Bill and Sookie’s relationship doesn’t last much longer, and she eventually ends up with Eric for a short time, then with some stupid were tiger named Quinn, and now finally, she is sort of back to Eric. Eric/Sookie IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE. I am very protective of it, and OMG I NEED TO SEE IT ON SCREEN. The problem I have is that by now in the books, we have seen that Eric does have affection for Sookie, even if it is just OMG I want to sleep with you and drink your blood affection. On the show, we have none of that. We just have Eric being Eric, and Sookie being Sookie. They are either doing a really great job of building up to it, or they aren’t going to do it, AND I WILL DIE. Anyway, in the book, Eric, Bill, Pam, and Chow have to do a sort of blood transfusion for Sookie. That is how she is healed, not by some bottle of smoke-making stuff. They give her a synthetic blood transfusion at Sookie’s request, and she has big nasty scars. I’m not sure why they chose not to do it on the show, but I’m a little disappointed. This is the first way that Eric gets his claws into Sookie, and it’s missing now. Not really an important point, but something I wanted to bring up anyway. Moving on!

Back at Maryann’s House of Bitch, You Crazy, Weird Butler is making some kind of soup or something that honestly looks like it contains a human heart. Maryann just comments that it needs more juniper. (Hatehatehate her.) Tara comes in, and they have a sit down, and Tara finally asks why Sam hates Maryann. Maryann turns it all around, and it turns into a conversation about Tara’s self-worth. Snore. I’m so over this. The whole time they’re talking, Maryann is rolling the biggest hog leg of a joint I have ever seen, and Tara forgets all about everything and decides to get stoned instead.

Meanwhile, back at Sam’s Trailer of Scaredy Cats, Sam is packing his car full of boxes, and he’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival.” Where do they find these shirts? First, we had Jason’s “Alabama Thunderpussy” shirt, and now this? I must find out where the costume guys shop. Anyway, Terry Bellefleur pulls up, and Sam asks him if he will watch the bar while he’s gone on his trip, his trip to he doesn’t know where. I’m guessing the pressure of Maryann is getting to be too much for Sam, so he’s OUT. Terry is very nervous about the idea of having to run the bar, but Sam has asked everybody else in the world, and Terry is his last choice. So, Terry agrees, but then he does what we all want to do. He has a little PTSD moment, and he calls Sam a coward, and angrily drives away. I love Terry.

Back at Cult Camp, we see a woman who is covered with scars from fang marks, and we see we’re in some kind of support group for vampire victims which is being lead by Douche Wife. Jason is listening to all of this, looking very skeptical might I add, and Douche Wife asks him if there’s anything he wants to share. Jason says OMG NO NO NO, but then actually does tell them that he is not at Cult Camp because he’s a vampire victim. He tells them that his sister is dating a vampire, and that he’s a nice guy. (Even though last season, he hated Bill. Go fig.) He brings up Amy staking Eddie in front of him, and he actually stands up for once and says that Cult Camp is a bunch of bullshit. It is a beautiful moment, and I must share it.

Jason: My girlfriend, she staked a vampire right in front of me. His name was Eddie, and he was gay, but he was a real nice person.
Douche Wife: He wasn’t a person, Jason. *points to fang mark girl* A person wouldn’t do that, would they?
Jason: Well, my Gran and my girlfriend were killed by my best friend, just ‘cause he had a problem with vampires, and he was a person.

OOOOH, SMACKDOWN TO THE DOUCHE WIFE. Beauty.

Jason walks out of the meeting, but Douche Wife follows him, and she tells him a sob story about how her sister got all obsessed with vampires and disappeared, and that’s why she does what she does. She asks him to pray with her, and during the prayer, Jason gets the googly eyes for a minute. The whole point of this scene is to show that Douche Wife and Jason are getting the hots for each other, and to show just how much the Cult Camp is brainwashing him.

Meanwhile, back at Club Yay All Better, Sookie is waking up, and she’s wearing a Fangtasia shirt, that I’m sure you can buy at HBO’s website. She’s sort of all WTF happened, and she goes to check herself in the mirror. Yay, no scars. Ginger appears out of nowhere and gives her a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich. Wow, thanks. Ginger is so ridiculous that it’s kind of gross, and Sookie asks her if the vampires make her stay there all the time. Ginger tells her that she usually just comes in for deliveries, but lately she’s been…and then she dissolves into giggles. Sookie smells a rat, and she mind melds with her and hears Ginger say, “Ohmigod, I almost told her about her friend Lafayette in the basement, and Eric says I can’t tell her!” Sookie goes into super detective mode, and Ginger accidentally thinks about the gun under the cash register, which Sookie goes and procures for herself. Ginger does that hilarious scream, and Sookie orders her to take her to Lafayette. We’re back in the Cellar of Grossness, and Lafayette can’t believe she’s there. Turns out, they didn’t turn him into a vampire. BOO, Alan Ball. BOOO! Anyway, Sookie promises Lafayette she is going to get him out, and she is pinning on her Woman Empowerment Cape as she says it, so we KNOW she means business.

Back at Maryann’s House of Rockin’ Parties, Eggs is playing a song on his guitar to a crowd of adoring onlookers, and Tara, who looks BEAUTIFUL and is supposed to be at work, comes and sits down beside him. They have one of their flirty talks, and Tara decides she isn’t going to go to work, and they kiss a little. Are they cute or are they gross? I can’t decide.

Bill is finally waking up in Fantasia’s backroom, and he comes out and hugs Sookie, and Bill is all o.O because Sookie all tense. He asks her if she’s still mad about their fight because it doesn’t matter! Sookie says no, it doesn’t, but WTF? Why is Lafayette chained in the basement with a bullet hole in his leg and in desperate need of a shave? Bill is like WTF? Sookie practically beats him to death with her cape, and he tells her that he has no idea what the hell she is talking about. This is the point when Eric has apparently woken up, too, and he joins the party, and holy Moses, he is wearing a green shirt, jeans, and a pair of flip-flops, and I can barely contain myself. THANK YOU, COSTUME DEPARTMENT. Eric says that she’s probably talking about Lafayette who slept with Eddie to get his blood so he could sell it, a major no-no. Sookie sees a golden opportunity because by this point, I don’t think she’s really used her cape on Eric. She gets all in his face and tells him he should be ashamed of himself, and she actually hauls off and slaps him. Eric just goes YAWN and says, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, and may I add, that color suits you very well.” “GO TO HELL!” she screams, and Bill is just all upset about the turn of events because he knows that Eric could very well go all crazy snarly beast thing on Sookie like he did on A.B.

Sookie DEMANDS that Eric lets Lafayette go, and she says that she’ll call the police if he doesn’t. It’s at this point that Eric gets all up in her face, fangs a-flashin’and with that weird vampo voice of his, and Sookie actually looks scared for a moment, but then Eric steps back and tells her they can come to some sort of arrangement. Like, say, going to Dallas with him?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is leaving a message on Tara’s phone because she hasn’t shown up for work. He thinks it’s because they had a fight, but we know the truth. He tells her to take a good look at the people around her. Ooh, foreshadowing. Arlene comes in late, and she’s all apologetic, but Sam is suddenly Mr. Nice Guy, and even Arlene notices the kinder, gentler Sam Merlotte. Sam goes back to the cash register and starts getting all sentimental. He looks at the pictures on the wall behind the register, and of course, he settles on one of Sookie, and tell me tell you, that picture of Sookie is FUH-IERCE, gurrrrl.

About this time, back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is waking up to an empty house. She sort of pokes around and then petulantly pounds on the piano. I imagine this is something Bill doesn’t let her do when he’s around. You go, Jessica. You show that mean vampire dad of yours. In the next instant, that hilariously crap song “Sex and Candy” is playing as Jessica, all dolled up now, walks into Merlotte’s and looks around. Every guy in the bar notices her, but I have to disagree. I do not think she looks hot. I think she looks annoying, and oh, yeah, SEVENTEEN. Anyway, she sets her sights on none other than our dear Hoyt. Hoyt also notices her and screws up the courage to go and sit down with her. In the course of their conversation, Jessica can’t stop watching the way his jugular is all POUND POUND in his throat, and finally, when he asks if she wants anything to drink or eat, she says she’ll have a bottle of Tru Blood, and Hoyt goes O.O and then *____*. I do recall him asking Sookie if Bill knew any cute vampires girls at the end of last season. His wish has come true! But I am screaming because NOOO, I LOVE HOYT. Do not tie him to Jessica, the most annoying creature on the planet! PLEASE OMG! There was one great moment in their conversation about chicken fried steak. “It’s like a chicken and a steak got together and made a baby. It’s delicious…crispy…baby.” BWUAHAH. The cuteness of that is unbelievable.

So, the next scene is probably the greatest one of the episode. Sookie is hammering out the details of her arrangement with Eric. If she goes to Dallas to help look for the missing Godric, Eric will let Lafayette go. Bill objects and is all OMG NO U ALMOST DIED, but Sookie shoves her cape down his throat because nobody tells Sookie Stackhouse what to do. Eric says he will pay all of the expenses, and yes, he will let Lafayette go. Here is where the hilarity begins. Rather than try to explain it, here is the transcript

Sookie: And I want five thousand dollars.
Eric: -_-
Bill: -_-
Sookie: I’ve missed a lot of work, and I need a driveway.
Eric: Your human is getting cocky.
Bill: She will take ten thousand, and I will escort her.
Eric: I don’t think so. No.
Sookie: Yes. Ten thousand and Bill comes with me, or it’s a deal breaker.
Eric: *looks like he wants to snap Sookie’s neck*
Sookie: *looks like she wants to puke*
Eric: *pushes a button and says something* You surprise me. That is a rare quality in a breather.
Sookie: You disgust me.
Eric: Perhaps I’ll grow on you.
Sookie: I’d prefer cancer.

BWUAHAH, greatness. So maybe they are setting up the love affair after all. Just then, Pam busts in and throws Lafayette on the floor, lamenting the loss of him. Lafayette gets all mouthy, and Pam asks for permission to kick him, but Bill comes to the rescue. Finally, Eric has had enough of this nonsense and tells Pam to tell Chow to get their car. Eric comes over and bends down and does this very strange little stroking motion on Lafayette’s shoulder, even as Lafayette is trying to get far, far away. “I’ll see you around, I’m sure,” Eric drawls. “Don’t bet on it, baby.” Lafayette answers. I love them to pieces forever. As Bill is picking up Lafayette, Sookie and Eric share a moment. It was more like they had a smolder-off because that’s what it was. Sookie: *smolders* Eric: *smolders back* Sookie: *smoldersmoldersmolder* Greatness.

Back at Maryann’s House of Don’t Eat That Soup, everybody is eating that soup, and everybody is loving it, even though it looks disgusting. Soon, the part devolves into a sex off, and WHAT? Is that Creepy Mike Spencer dancing with Drunk Jane Bodehouse? Excuse me. I just threw up a little. Andy Bellefleur walks in, and he looks like we all do at home. O.O Tara and Eggs are in a hot tub thing. Mike Spencer calls Jane a fiery little hellcat and then buries his face in her old cleavage. Andy is investigating the party, and way in the back, he sees what looks like a very expensive and elaborate dog house. When he goes to investigate, he sees that he is wrong. It is a very expensive and elaborate PIG HOUSE. There is the big that Tara saw on the road that made her crash, which begs the question, after all those days of mangoes and weed, did Tara never notice a great huge pig in the backyard? OMG…is Weird Butler the pig?!?! WHAT? No, wait, he was just serving the soup, so he can’t be. Right? RIGHT!?!

Just then Maryann smarms up, and Andy tells her that there have been some complaints about the noise. He also asks her if she has a permit for the big, and Maryann goes “What pig?” Andy turns around, and THE PIG IS GONE. Ooh, creepy. Andy freaks out, and Maryann gets him to stay by giving him some champagne. (Hatehatehate her.)

Back at Reverend Douche Newlin’s house, he and Jason are having dinner, and we all know that is going to make the Lukeanator very mad. Reverend Douche is laying it on thick with Jason, telling him that we need to hate? That it’s natural? He then proceeds to call vampires baby killers because of the unfortunate accident involving the Reverend Douche Newlin Sr. Jason is very overwhelmed by this, and you can almost see him turning into a clone. Just then, Douche Wife shows up with some banana pudding, and the Douches kiss a little, and I start to wonder if this is going to turn into some bizarre three-way. Once Douche Wife has gone back to get whipped cream, one of the greatest lines ever on this show is said, and it is said by the Reverend Douche Newlin himself. He tells Jason that he must be special, and Jason says, “Really?” And then it is said. The Reverend Douche Newlin nods and says, “Sarah doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody.” AHAHAHAHA. EPIC. Reverend Douche takes another swig of wine, and we think he’s just about to whip out HIS pudding for Jason.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has brought Hoyt home with her, and they have a chat, but all we can see in the foreground of the shot is a Wii remote. I kept thinking, when are they going to mention the Wii? And then they did. Hoyt is going to teach Jessica how to play the Wii when she randomly kisses him, and it’s a very awkward kiss, I have to say. In the middle of it, her fangs pop out, much like the way Bill’s did when he first kissed Sookie. She gets very embarrassed about it, but Hoyt tells her not to be, that it’s okay, that she should never be ashamed of what she is. Oh, Hoyt. We love you. Then he tries to take the high road and be a gentlemen, but Jessica flat out attacks him in a snarly way. OH NOES!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Why Do I Find Eric Hot?, Bill and Sookie are dropping him off, and Lafayette goes in the house, and he is just completely freaked out. He wraps himself up in a hideous afghan, and then probably cries himself to sleep. Poor Lafayette.

Bill and Sookie are driving home, and of course, it dissolves into one of their sweet as sugar discussions. She casually mentions how she thinks Eric is GROSS, HIDEOUS, AND MORE GROSS. She finds him in no way attractive or seductive, and she hates hates HATES him, kay? Bill tries to remind her that I’M A VAMPIRE, TOO, YO, but she goes on and on about how she sees good in him, that it shines in his eyes, and blah, blah, blah. Those of us who have read the books find this very hilarious, don’t we?

So, Maryann’s party has turned into the party of SEXY SEXNESS, and some random topless girl comes to join Tara and Eggs in the hot tub thing. She mentions that she is a licensed massage therapist and practically tackles Eggs. While this is going on, Tara is looking around the party at everyone sexing it up, including Mike Spencer and Jane Bodehouse, and we are finally reminded that we are watching an HBO show because we see a guy run by with his man parts hanging out. (It’s not TV, it’s random assorted penises!) Tara realizes that something is afoot here, and when she turns around sees Eggs making the O-face during his massage, she gets the mega-hump and gets out of there quick. That is when we realize that all the sexoholics at the party have the creepy X-Files black eyes. OH NOES!

Another hilariously ironic moment for us book readers as Tara storms into the house and Eggs chases after her. Tara wants to know if Eggs is into “the lifestyle,” and for those who don’t know, that means swingers. Eggs says it has nothing to do with “us,” and Tara says there is no us if this is his scene. AHAHAHAH oh, IRONY!

Back at Sam’s Trailer of I’m Getting Out of Here, Yo, the Collie runs up and starts barking at Sam as he’s packing the last of his stuff to go he doesn’t know where. Sam decides to have one last run with his buddy and he rips his shirt off and runs away with him. Oh, how cute. Dog love.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Bill and Sookie are getting home, and now we see what Bill bought for Jessica, and it’s a lot of pink. Bill brings up the fact that he misses petticoats, and Sookie mentions the Halloween store up the road that might have some. Right in the middle of this conversation, Bill and Sookie start sucking face, and when they go in, they see Jessica all up on Hoyt, but YAY, she didn’t eat him! They were just having sexy fun! Bill throws Jessica across the room, and when Hoyt sits up and says it’s okay, Bill gets all growly at him! Is he jealous? WTH?

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and the Collie run down the dock, but only Sam jumps in, and when he does, he turns back into Sam. Is that how it works? Hmm. The Collie runs off, and Sam does a merry naked swim until…what the hell? Where did Daphne come from? Sam wonders the same thing. Daphne is really different all the sudden, and they have a cute little conversation before Daphne is all OOOH, HOW’S THE WATER, and we see what’s coming. She starts stripping out of her clothes, and Sam is sort of o.O, the way a boss should be when he’s about to see an employee naked. And when Daphne takes off her shirt, Sam is all GUUUUH, but we get the back view, and we see that Daphne has THE SAME SCRATCHES THAT BMT GAVE SOOKIE! EEEP! OH NOES!

End credits.

Next week on True Blood, well, it’s not next week. THOSE BASTARDS. They’re making us wait two weeks! So in two weeks on True Blood, Lafayette is back to his pretty self and Eric is a sexy peeping tom! Reverend Douche Newlin and Jason have firearms training! Tara decides to move in with Sookie! Some hooded figure attacks Jason! They do stuff from the books! And somebody tells somebody they know what they are!! Don’t miss it!

Oh, and I was right. And I NEED THIS.