Attack of the Killer Sushi

Three things happened because we decided to eat at the Chinese buffet for dinner tonight.

1. My sister's baby's daddy proved that he is an unimaginable asshole.
2. I finally conquered my fear and tried a piece of sushi.
3. The waitress asked if my mother was a senior citizen. She's 48.

I have gone into that buffet at least ten times in the past six months, and every time I go, I go over to the place where they have the sushi, and I stare at it. I stare at the weird little rice and seaweed monsters. I stare, and I stare, and I stare, and then I always chicken out and go back to my seat sushi-less. It's the idea of biting into that mess in the middle that bothers me. I have a thing about texture. I pick up the sushi, and it feels so weird and spongy, and the idea of putting that into my mouth is just too much. The idea of my front teeth biting into that mess is just too big a hurdle to jump over. I reasoned that if I could get the whole thing into my extraordinarily huge gob all at once, I might be able to manage, but since I have never found a piece small enough for that, I was safe.

This time, I went up to that little sushi tray, and I stared at the seaweed wrapped kind, and it stared back at me with it's weird green and yellow stuff in the middle, mocking me with it's perfectly round shape, and I said, "Today is the day, seaweed thing!" I picked that spongy thing up and put it on my plate, and then I practically RAN back to the table. I announced my triumph. I had never successfully gotten a piece onto my plate, and there it was! VICTORY!

The only problem now that it was on my plate was that it was obviously too big to be eaten in one bite. I managed to get rid of some of the rice and seaweed to mold it into a more bite-sized piece, trying so hard not to look at what was in the middle of this monstrosity. The seaweed and rice didn't really taste so bad. It really didn't taste like anything. So far, so good. That was until I put that thing into my mouth and started to chew.

It crunched, and my mouth was instantly on fire.

I have no idea what was in it, but I chewed and swallowed what I could, but it was just too much. I had to spit out what I couldn't choke down. The taste really wasn't so bad. It really didn't have a taste except, of course, of the taste of the volcanic, nuclear, lava from the bowels of Hell THING that crunched in the middle. The problem was that as soon as I crunched on that little piece of the things nightmares are made of, it felt like somebody had put a bullet into my forehead.

Then my lips started to go numb.

Then I was deliriously giddy for all of ten minutes.

Then my face, every freaking INCH OF MY FACE, started to feel like it was melting off like the Nazis at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Thank heavens I fell asleep in the back of the car on the way home.

I now feel like I have been run over several times by a bulldozer.

People who tell you to try new things are idiots. Don't listen to them.

Spammy Goodness

This one is a doozy. I just got too much good spam this time around. Enjoy.


1. BWAHAHA. Wild Prince of Pleasure!
2. Wasn't you in English class?
3. "On That Heap of Stones, She Mourns..." How emo is that? I have got to find some way to use this in my life.



1. Not JUST night attacks, but OFTEN night attacks.
2. Not JUST passion, but JUNGLE passion.
3. I love how spam is just so caring.
4. AHAHA WONKY!!



1. & 2. I think the one between them says all that needs to be said.
3. & 4. They must really, really want me to hump the best girls.
5. What the hell is it with spam wanting me to buy watches? I mean, really!



1. Yes, I am having trouble reading the email...THROUGH ALL MY TEARS.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Scratches" aka EWW, EWW, OMG EWW

Please be warned. This recap contains spoilers from the book, and it also contains speculation about what might happen later this season. If you don't want it to be spoiled/possibly spoiled, please don't click on the cut! For the rest of you...

Previously on True Blood…

Sookie proposes to Tara, and Maryann gets the mega-hump. Jason has a PTSD-style freak out and almost kills Douche Wife. Eggs tells Tara of his sordid past, and then gets the mega-hump when she isn’t all OMG I LOVE convicted felons! Lafayette tried to bust out of Fangtasia, but Ginger the Skank shot him. Lafayette asked Eric to make him a vampire, but Eric had reservations. Reservations about making him a vampire, not about NOMNOMNOMing him, which he did. Maryann made everybody feel all SEXY SEXY at Merlotte’s, except Sam, who had the mega-hump, and so Maryann turned him into a collie. Bill got the mega-hump because Eric wants to borrow Sookie for an investigation, and Jessica totally broke her promise and ran inside her parent’s house which resulted in Bill having to come and save the day, growling and yelling at Sookie as he did so.

So, they try to do this clever thing where it looks like the beginning of the pilot, all driving fast in the back roads. Sookie is all OMG BILL SLOW DOWN I’M SKURED! Bill looks hilarious driving Sookie’s car, and he pulls over, and Sookie tries to apologize, saying that it was Jessica’s family OMG! This does NO GOOD and Bill says SHE IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Meanwhile, Jessica has been crying her bloody tears in the backseat, and she is all OMG I H8 j00! Bill does not care and smacks her down with a good old “BE QUIET!” Jessica harrumphs and is out of the conversation. Bill tells Sookie that she undermined his authority as Jessica’s maker, and we also learn that he didn’t eat Jessica’s family. He simply glamoured them all to bits, and Sookie tries to apologize again, but Bill FINALLY steps up to her and says, “You keep saying that…and I am expected to what? Forget this ever happened?” BURN, SOOKIE. Sookie gives him some excuse about how she thought of Gran when Jessica brought up her family, but Bill is so past the point of caring about Gran, and Sookie FINALLY gets out her Woman Empowerment Cape and throws open the door. Bill’s crazy accent disappears as he says “What are you doing?” Sookie flaps her cape about and tells him she’d rather walk the 20 miles back to Bon Temps then stay in the car another second with Bill! OOH, GURRRL. Bill gets back in the car, and Jessica tells him OMG, dude, she wants you to go after to her all dramatic-like. But Bill has too much pride for that, and he simply says that she will come back once she’s got that cape business out of her system.

Meanwhile, Sookie is walking down the scariest path known to man, and for the first time, I realize just how short her shorts are and just how much junk Sookie has in her trunk. Wowsers. So, Sookie is walking with her SEXY SEXY backside, and she starts to hear…yes, wait for it…Scary Noises! She thinks it’s Bill, but it’s definitely NOT Bill. She turns around and up the road she sees…I have no freaking idea what that thing is. It has bull horns, but it stands on two legs, and it has crazy claws like Gnarl from “Buffy.“ It’s a Bull Man Thing, and anyway, it runs after Sookie and, of course, catches her, and it scratches the holy hell out of her back, and down she goes. Bill’s Sookie Sense starts tingling, and he’s off to the races to find her, as BMT’s hand menaces Sookie’s helpless form.

Credits. WOOOO!

Let me just pause to say that it looks like they’re trying to get back into some kind of groove with the books because this scene plays out in “Living Dead in Dallas,” though it is very different. I’m not sure what the hell this BMT is, but whatever. I’m going to go with it for now. But I reserve the right to cry OMFG FOUL any time I want!

Anyway, back on the Road of Scary Noises and Death, Bill vampires up the road to see Sookie laying in the road, and he gets this really choked up voice as he runs over to help her, and it gets your heart a little. He rolls her over, and she is all screaming in pain and tells him it was a bull human (?) and that she can’t move. (JUST like Gnarl in Buffy!) Bill bites his wrist and feeds it to Sookie, but she takes one sip and then starts seizing and foaming at the mouth. It’s pretty disgusting. Jessica shows up to say just how gross it is, and Bill tells her to get the car. Next thing we know, they’re pulling up outside of Fangtasia because Bill can’t solve his own problems and always has to run to Eric. (This becomes a theme, by the way, and it becomes very ironic. Tee hee.) Bill OMG ORDERS Jessica to go home.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is totally traumatized from his meeting with Maryann, and it’s actually kind of cute. Daphne tiptoes in with this horrible look on her face and tells him that she’s short for the night. Like WAY short, and Sam gets some of his old nag back and tells her she has to pay for it herself. Daphne pouts and gives him all the tips she has, pretty much saying OMG MEANIE as she flees the room. Tara is up next, and you can just tell that Sam does not want to deal with her. He tells her that he doesn’t want Maryann in the bar anymore, and he tells Tara to stay away from her because she doesn’t know her. Well, neither did he, but he slept with her. All Tara has done is eat mangoes and smoke weed!

Next, it’s back to Fangtasia, and we get to see first hand what BMT did to Sookie, and let me tell you, it is gross. Her back is clawed all to hell, and she wakes up to see a strange old lady wearing scrubs. Those of us who know who this lady is go OMG YAAAAAY, and those of you who don’t probably go, WHOA she is weird looking. Let me tell you, she is less weird than she is in the books. Anyway, she is Dr. Ludwig, and she is old and sassy and has no love for vampires, which is shows when she tells Bill to STFU and let her work on Sookie. Eric’s deadpan drawls from the corner, and we see he is watching the whole scene very unimpressed, and he’s still wearing the hideous track suit. Dr. Ludwig tells us that Sookie is poisoned, and she tells the vampires to get out because she has to take off Sookie’s clothes. Um, hello? She and Bill have SEXY SEX all the time, but I’m guessing this isn’t going to be SEXY SEX, and she doesn’t want them trying to interfere as she works. Bill tries to say how sorry he is, but Sookie just barfs up some more foam, which is pretty much how I’m starting to feel about Bill and Sookie, in general. How romantic.

In Eric’s office, Eric and Bill are trying to figure out just what in the hell mauled poor Sookie. Eric says that even in a thousand years he hasn’t heard of this thing, and he tells Pam and Chow to go search the woods. Pam says Chow can do it because she’s wearing her new pumps, and we love Pam just a little bit more now. Eric orders her in Swedish, and she goes -_- but gives in and stalks out. “She is extremely lazy, but loyal,” Eric says, then asks about Jessica. Bill tells him that she is junk, and Eric seems to find this funny. Bill tries to go back to Sookie, but Eric tells him not to worry. Dr. Ludwig treated one of Pam’s humans when he was bitten by a werewolf, and he only lost an eye! Yay!

Just then, Sookie starts screaming bloody murder as Dr. Ludwig pours something all over her back, and it makes the wounds smoke, and the whole thing is very, very disgusting. Sookie is screaming and crying and writhing, and Dr. Ludwig DIGS into one of the scratches, and I thought we couldn’t get more gross than Lafayette digging into A.B.’s leg meat to get the metal rod out, but I was wrong.

Somewhere over in Texas, Jason wakes up screaming at the same time as Sookie is getting “medical attention,” and AWW, that is kind of cute. It’s like some weird twin thing where he knows that Sookie is in pain. He looks around the Cult Camp dorm and then goes PHEW and lays back down, but then AHAHAHA, one of the greatest moments ever happens. We hear a very familiar voice says, “Oooooh, you’re so warm, and I’m so cold.” And then FREAKING EDDIE is in the bed with Jason all snuggly-buggly like. Jason is all O.O U R DED THIS AIN’T REAL, and Eddie goes “OOOOH, does this feel real?” And I thought for a minute he was going to try to sex him up, but no, instead, Eddie pulls Jason’s head back and bites his neck.

Annnd, Jason wakes up AGAIN at Cult Camp and is all O.O. Poor Jason. He starts to pray, and it’s all very sincere, until stupid Luke throws a pillow at him and tells him to STFU. Jason hugs his pillow and pouts and tries to go back to sleep.

Back in the Office of the Worst Doctor Ever, Dr. Ludwig is cleaning Sookie up, but her back is still all mauled, and Eric and Bill are there watching. Bill is all petpet to Sookie, but Eric is all drooly fang man staring at Sookie’s decimated back. Creepy, but hilarious. Dr. Ludwig tells them they can give her blood now, and Bill goes to bite his wrist, but Eric vampires around and tells him, “Mine is much stronger. Allow me.” Bill says OMG NEVER, and Eric laughs and gives in. Bill lets Sookie drink, and there is something weird about Eric watching this happen. I don’t know. Maybe that sort of thing should be private? Anyway, Pam and Chow come back in, and Pam’s pumps are RUINED, and they tell Eric the thing had human tracks but animal smell. On their way out, Eric says, “And Pam…those were great pumps.” BWUAHAH. She looks like she wants to stab him. Bill says he doesn’t want to move Sookie, and Eric says they can stay. Bill gets to use Longshadow’s old coffin which “might be a bit messy.” Bwuaha, again. Bill says thank you to Eric for all the help, and then we see a bit of Eric that is EXACTLY like the books when he says that he’s sure there’s a way she can repay him, meaning that bitch is going to Dallas now whether Bill likes it or not. Bill realizes this, and we get DUH DUH DUUUUUH except in pretty violin form.

Let me take a break for a moment to discuss something about this show. This is going to veer off into speculation and contain spoilers for the books and what might possibly happen on the show, so you have been warned. Those of us who have read the books know that Bill and Sookie’s relationship doesn’t last much longer, and she eventually ends up with Eric for a short time, then with some stupid were tiger named Quinn, and now finally, she is sort of back to Eric. Eric/Sookie IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE. I am very protective of it, and OMG I NEED TO SEE IT ON SCREEN. The problem I have is that by now in the books, we have seen that Eric does have affection for Sookie, even if it is just OMG I want to sleep with you and drink your blood affection. On the show, we have none of that. We just have Eric being Eric, and Sookie being Sookie. They are either doing a really great job of building up to it, or they aren’t going to do it, AND I WILL DIE. Anyway, in the book, Eric, Bill, Pam, and Chow have to do a sort of blood transfusion for Sookie. That is how she is healed, not by some bottle of smoke-making stuff. They give her a synthetic blood transfusion at Sookie’s request, and she has big nasty scars. I’m not sure why they chose not to do it on the show, but I’m a little disappointed. This is the first way that Eric gets his claws into Sookie, and it’s missing now. Not really an important point, but something I wanted to bring up anyway. Moving on!

Back at Maryann’s House of Bitch, You Crazy, Weird Butler is making some kind of soup or something that honestly looks like it contains a human heart. Maryann just comments that it needs more juniper. (Hatehatehate her.) Tara comes in, and they have a sit down, and Tara finally asks why Sam hates Maryann. Maryann turns it all around, and it turns into a conversation about Tara’s self-worth. Snore. I’m so over this. The whole time they’re talking, Maryann is rolling the biggest hog leg of a joint I have ever seen, and Tara forgets all about everything and decides to get stoned instead.

Meanwhile, back at Sam’s Trailer of Scaredy Cats, Sam is packing his car full of boxes, and he’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival.” Where do they find these shirts? First, we had Jason’s “Alabama Thunderpussy” shirt, and now this? I must find out where the costume guys shop. Anyway, Terry Bellefleur pulls up, and Sam asks him if he will watch the bar while he’s gone on his trip, his trip to he doesn’t know where. I’m guessing the pressure of Maryann is getting to be too much for Sam, so he’s OUT. Terry is very nervous about the idea of having to run the bar, but Sam has asked everybody else in the world, and Terry is his last choice. So, Terry agrees, but then he does what we all want to do. He has a little PTSD moment, and he calls Sam a coward, and angrily drives away. I love Terry.

Back at Cult Camp, we see a woman who is covered with scars from fang marks, and we see we’re in some kind of support group for vampire victims which is being lead by Douche Wife. Jason is listening to all of this, looking very skeptical might I add, and Douche Wife asks him if there’s anything he wants to share. Jason says OMG NO NO NO, but then actually does tell them that he is not at Cult Camp because he’s a vampire victim. He tells them that his sister is dating a vampire, and that he’s a nice guy. (Even though last season, he hated Bill. Go fig.) He brings up Amy staking Eddie in front of him, and he actually stands up for once and says that Cult Camp is a bunch of bullshit. It is a beautiful moment, and I must share it.

Jason: My girlfriend, she staked a vampire right in front of me. His name was Eddie, and he was gay, but he was a real nice person.
Douche Wife: He wasn’t a person, Jason. *points to fang mark girl* A person wouldn’t do that, would they?
Jason: Well, my Gran and my girlfriend were killed by my best friend, just ‘cause he had a problem with vampires, and he was a person.

OOOOH, SMACKDOWN TO THE DOUCHE WIFE. Beauty.

Jason walks out of the meeting, but Douche Wife follows him, and she tells him a sob story about how her sister got all obsessed with vampires and disappeared, and that’s why she does what she does. She asks him to pray with her, and during the prayer, Jason gets the googly eyes for a minute. The whole point of this scene is to show that Douche Wife and Jason are getting the hots for each other, and to show just how much the Cult Camp is brainwashing him.

Meanwhile, back at Club Yay All Better, Sookie is waking up, and she’s wearing a Fangtasia shirt, that I’m sure you can buy at HBO’s website. She’s sort of all WTF happened, and she goes to check herself in the mirror. Yay, no scars. Ginger appears out of nowhere and gives her a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich. Wow, thanks. Ginger is so ridiculous that it’s kind of gross, and Sookie asks her if the vampires make her stay there all the time. Ginger tells her that she usually just comes in for deliveries, but lately she’s been…and then she dissolves into giggles. Sookie smells a rat, and she mind melds with her and hears Ginger say, “Ohmigod, I almost told her about her friend Lafayette in the basement, and Eric says I can’t tell her!” Sookie goes into super detective mode, and Ginger accidentally thinks about the gun under the cash register, which Sookie goes and procures for herself. Ginger does that hilarious scream, and Sookie orders her to take her to Lafayette. We’re back in the Cellar of Grossness, and Lafayette can’t believe she’s there. Turns out, they didn’t turn him into a vampire. BOO, Alan Ball. BOOO! Anyway, Sookie promises Lafayette she is going to get him out, and she is pinning on her Woman Empowerment Cape as she says it, so we KNOW she means business.

Back at Maryann’s House of Rockin’ Parties, Eggs is playing a song on his guitar to a crowd of adoring onlookers, and Tara, who looks BEAUTIFUL and is supposed to be at work, comes and sits down beside him. They have one of their flirty talks, and Tara decides she isn’t going to go to work, and they kiss a little. Are they cute or are they gross? I can’t decide.

Bill is finally waking up in Fantasia’s backroom, and he comes out and hugs Sookie, and Bill is all o.O because Sookie all tense. He asks her if she’s still mad about their fight because it doesn’t matter! Sookie says no, it doesn’t, but WTF? Why is Lafayette chained in the basement with a bullet hole in his leg and in desperate need of a shave? Bill is like WTF? Sookie practically beats him to death with her cape, and he tells her that he has no idea what the hell she is talking about. This is the point when Eric has apparently woken up, too, and he joins the party, and holy Moses, he is wearing a green shirt, jeans, and a pair of flip-flops, and I can barely contain myself. THANK YOU, COSTUME DEPARTMENT. Eric says that she’s probably talking about Lafayette who slept with Eddie to get his blood so he could sell it, a major no-no. Sookie sees a golden opportunity because by this point, I don’t think she’s really used her cape on Eric. She gets all in his face and tells him he should be ashamed of himself, and she actually hauls off and slaps him. Eric just goes YAWN and says, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, and may I add, that color suits you very well.” “GO TO HELL!” she screams, and Bill is just all upset about the turn of events because he knows that Eric could very well go all crazy snarly beast thing on Sookie like he did on A.B.

Sookie DEMANDS that Eric lets Lafayette go, and she says that she’ll call the police if he doesn’t. It’s at this point that Eric gets all up in her face, fangs a-flashin’and with that weird vampo voice of his, and Sookie actually looks scared for a moment, but then Eric steps back and tells her they can come to some sort of arrangement. Like, say, going to Dallas with him?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is leaving a message on Tara’s phone because she hasn’t shown up for work. He thinks it’s because they had a fight, but we know the truth. He tells her to take a good look at the people around her. Ooh, foreshadowing. Arlene comes in late, and she’s all apologetic, but Sam is suddenly Mr. Nice Guy, and even Arlene notices the kinder, gentler Sam Merlotte. Sam goes back to the cash register and starts getting all sentimental. He looks at the pictures on the wall behind the register, and of course, he settles on one of Sookie, and tell me tell you, that picture of Sookie is FUH-IERCE, gurrrrl.

About this time, back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is waking up to an empty house. She sort of pokes around and then petulantly pounds on the piano. I imagine this is something Bill doesn’t let her do when he’s around. You go, Jessica. You show that mean vampire dad of yours. In the next instant, that hilariously crap song “Sex and Candy” is playing as Jessica, all dolled up now, walks into Merlotte’s and looks around. Every guy in the bar notices her, but I have to disagree. I do not think she looks hot. I think she looks annoying, and oh, yeah, SEVENTEEN. Anyway, she sets her sights on none other than our dear Hoyt. Hoyt also notices her and screws up the courage to go and sit down with her. In the course of their conversation, Jessica can’t stop watching the way his jugular is all POUND POUND in his throat, and finally, when he asks if she wants anything to drink or eat, she says she’ll have a bottle of Tru Blood, and Hoyt goes O.O and then *____*. I do recall him asking Sookie if Bill knew any cute vampires girls at the end of last season. His wish has come true! But I am screaming because NOOO, I LOVE HOYT. Do not tie him to Jessica, the most annoying creature on the planet! PLEASE OMG! There was one great moment in their conversation about chicken fried steak. “It’s like a chicken and a steak got together and made a baby. It’s delicious…crispy…baby.” BWUAHAH. The cuteness of that is unbelievable.

So, the next scene is probably the greatest one of the episode. Sookie is hammering out the details of her arrangement with Eric. If she goes to Dallas to help look for the missing Godric, Eric will let Lafayette go. Bill objects and is all OMG NO U ALMOST DIED, but Sookie shoves her cape down his throat because nobody tells Sookie Stackhouse what to do. Eric says he will pay all of the expenses, and yes, he will let Lafayette go. Here is where the hilarity begins. Rather than try to explain it, here is the transcript

Sookie: And I want five thousand dollars.
Eric: -_-
Bill: -_-
Sookie: I’ve missed a lot of work, and I need a driveway.
Eric: Your human is getting cocky.
Bill: She will take ten thousand, and I will escort her.
Eric: I don’t think so. No.
Sookie: Yes. Ten thousand and Bill comes with me, or it’s a deal breaker.
Eric: *looks like he wants to snap Sookie’s neck*
Sookie: *looks like she wants to puke*
Eric: *pushes a button and says something* You surprise me. That is a rare quality in a breather.
Sookie: You disgust me.
Eric: Perhaps I’ll grow on you.
Sookie: I’d prefer cancer.

BWUAHAH, greatness. So maybe they are setting up the love affair after all. Just then, Pam busts in and throws Lafayette on the floor, lamenting the loss of him. Lafayette gets all mouthy, and Pam asks for permission to kick him, but Bill comes to the rescue. Finally, Eric has had enough of this nonsense and tells Pam to tell Chow to get their car. Eric comes over and bends down and does this very strange little stroking motion on Lafayette’s shoulder, even as Lafayette is trying to get far, far away. “I’ll see you around, I’m sure,” Eric drawls. “Don’t bet on it, baby.” Lafayette answers. I love them to pieces forever. As Bill is picking up Lafayette, Sookie and Eric share a moment. It was more like they had a smolder-off because that’s what it was. Sookie: *smolders* Eric: *smolders back* Sookie: *smoldersmoldersmolder* Greatness.

Back at Maryann’s House of Don’t Eat That Soup, everybody is eating that soup, and everybody is loving it, even though it looks disgusting. Soon, the part devolves into a sex off, and WHAT? Is that Creepy Mike Spencer dancing with Drunk Jane Bodehouse? Excuse me. I just threw up a little. Andy Bellefleur walks in, and he looks like we all do at home. O.O Tara and Eggs are in a hot tub thing. Mike Spencer calls Jane a fiery little hellcat and then buries his face in her old cleavage. Andy is investigating the party, and way in the back, he sees what looks like a very expensive and elaborate dog house. When he goes to investigate, he sees that he is wrong. It is a very expensive and elaborate PIG HOUSE. There is the big that Tara saw on the road that made her crash, which begs the question, after all those days of mangoes and weed, did Tara never notice a great huge pig in the backyard? OMG…is Weird Butler the pig?!?! WHAT? No, wait, he was just serving the soup, so he can’t be. Right? RIGHT!?!

Just then Maryann smarms up, and Andy tells her that there have been some complaints about the noise. He also asks her if she has a permit for the big, and Maryann goes “What pig?” Andy turns around, and THE PIG IS GONE. Ooh, creepy. Andy freaks out, and Maryann gets him to stay by giving him some champagne. (Hatehatehate her.)

Back at Reverend Douche Newlin’s house, he and Jason are having dinner, and we all know that is going to make the Lukeanator very mad. Reverend Douche is laying it on thick with Jason, telling him that we need to hate? That it’s natural? He then proceeds to call vampires baby killers because of the unfortunate accident involving the Reverend Douche Newlin Sr. Jason is very overwhelmed by this, and you can almost see him turning into a clone. Just then, Douche Wife shows up with some banana pudding, and the Douches kiss a little, and I start to wonder if this is going to turn into some bizarre three-way. Once Douche Wife has gone back to get whipped cream, one of the greatest lines ever on this show is said, and it is said by the Reverend Douche Newlin himself. He tells Jason that he must be special, and Jason says, “Really?” And then it is said. The Reverend Douche Newlin nods and says, “Sarah doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody.” AHAHAHAHA. EPIC. Reverend Douche takes another swig of wine, and we think he’s just about to whip out HIS pudding for Jason.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has brought Hoyt home with her, and they have a chat, but all we can see in the foreground of the shot is a Wii remote. I kept thinking, when are they going to mention the Wii? And then they did. Hoyt is going to teach Jessica how to play the Wii when she randomly kisses him, and it’s a very awkward kiss, I have to say. In the middle of it, her fangs pop out, much like the way Bill’s did when he first kissed Sookie. She gets very embarrassed about it, but Hoyt tells her not to be, that it’s okay, that she should never be ashamed of what she is. Oh, Hoyt. We love you. Then he tries to take the high road and be a gentlemen, but Jessica flat out attacks him in a snarly way. OH NOES!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Why Do I Find Eric Hot?, Bill and Sookie are dropping him off, and Lafayette goes in the house, and he is just completely freaked out. He wraps himself up in a hideous afghan, and then probably cries himself to sleep. Poor Lafayette.

Bill and Sookie are driving home, and of course, it dissolves into one of their sweet as sugar discussions. She casually mentions how she thinks Eric is GROSS, HIDEOUS, AND MORE GROSS. She finds him in no way attractive or seductive, and she hates hates HATES him, kay? Bill tries to remind her that I’M A VAMPIRE, TOO, YO, but she goes on and on about how she sees good in him, that it shines in his eyes, and blah, blah, blah. Those of us who have read the books find this very hilarious, don’t we?

So, Maryann’s party has turned into the party of SEXY SEXNESS, and some random topless girl comes to join Tara and Eggs in the hot tub thing. She mentions that she is a licensed massage therapist and practically tackles Eggs. While this is going on, Tara is looking around the party at everyone sexing it up, including Mike Spencer and Jane Bodehouse, and we are finally reminded that we are watching an HBO show because we see a guy run by with his man parts hanging out. (It’s not TV, it’s random assorted penises!) Tara realizes that something is afoot here, and when she turns around sees Eggs making the O-face during his massage, she gets the mega-hump and gets out of there quick. That is when we realize that all the sexoholics at the party have the creepy X-Files black eyes. OH NOES!

Another hilariously ironic moment for us book readers as Tara storms into the house and Eggs chases after her. Tara wants to know if Eggs is into “the lifestyle,” and for those who don’t know, that means swingers. Eggs says it has nothing to do with “us,” and Tara says there is no us if this is his scene. AHAHAHAH oh, IRONY!

Back at Sam’s Trailer of I’m Getting Out of Here, Yo, the Collie runs up and starts barking at Sam as he’s packing the last of his stuff to go he doesn’t know where. Sam decides to have one last run with his buddy and he rips his shirt off and runs away with him. Oh, how cute. Dog love.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Bill and Sookie are getting home, and now we see what Bill bought for Jessica, and it’s a lot of pink. Bill brings up the fact that he misses petticoats, and Sookie mentions the Halloween store up the road that might have some. Right in the middle of this conversation, Bill and Sookie start sucking face, and when they go in, they see Jessica all up on Hoyt, but YAY, she didn’t eat him! They were just having sexy fun! Bill throws Jessica across the room, and when Hoyt sits up and says it’s okay, Bill gets all growly at him! Is he jealous? WTH?

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and the Collie run down the dock, but only Sam jumps in, and when he does, he turns back into Sam. Is that how it works? Hmm. The Collie runs off, and Sam does a merry naked swim until…what the hell? Where did Daphne come from? Sam wonders the same thing. Daphne is really different all the sudden, and they have a cute little conversation before Daphne is all OOOH, HOW’S THE WATER, and we see what’s coming. She starts stripping out of her clothes, and Sam is sort of o.O, the way a boss should be when he’s about to see an employee naked. And when Daphne takes off her shirt, Sam is all GUUUUH, but we get the back view, and we see that Daphne has THE SAME SCRATCHES THAT BMT GAVE SOOKIE! EEEP! OH NOES!

End credits.

Next week on True Blood, well, it’s not next week. THOSE BASTARDS. They’re making us wait two weeks! So in two weeks on True Blood, Lafayette is back to his pretty self and Eric is a sexy peeping tom! Reverend Douche Newlin and Jason have firearms training! Tara decides to move in with Sookie! Some hooded figure attacks Jason! They do stuff from the books! And somebody tells somebody they know what they are!! Don’t miss it!

Oh, and I was right. And I NEED THIS.

Now that I can breathe again...

In June of 1995, I was a twelve year old girl getting ready to go on vacation for a month in Connecticut where most of my family lives. The day before I got on the plane with my little sister, I was given the opportunity to buy a new CD for the trip. This was a rare gift. We were very poor, and things like Cds were usually out of my grasp. I had gotten a portable CD player the previous Christmas, and it was my most prized possession, so having another CD to listen to was a source of unimaginable joy for me. We went to the PX at Ft. Knox, but I knew exactly what CD I was going to get.

The date was June 21, 1995. Michael Jackson’s double album “HIStory: Past, Present, and Future Vol. 1” had come out the day before, and it was the only thing in the world that I wanted that day.

What followed was a Summer completely and totally filled with Michael Jackson. VH1 was constantly playing concerts and videos. The premiere of the video for “Scream” was later that summer, and I remember begging to make sure we were home when it came on the television. I listened to the ridicule and jabs from my family about my love for the King of Pop, and I didn’t care. A summer tradition back then was for me and sister to make a “movie” with my cousins. We wrote scripts and had costumes. That year, the movie was called “The Michael Jackson Murders,” and in it, I was a murderous fan who killed everyone who made fun of Michael Jackson or of me for liking him. Everyone knew of my love for that man, and I celebrated him every day. I wrote my first fan fiction that summer. It was a Batman story, and in it, my original character was the entertainment at a gala thrown by Bruce Wayne. The entertainment for that night was a dance routine performed to “The Way You Make Me Feel.” I couldn’t keep the music out of the story. It kept popping up everywhere.

We went to the Cape Cod that summer, and I spent 90% of my time either watching Michael on TV or tucked away from my family in the basement of the beach house we were staying at, headphones over my ears and my nose buried in the liner notes to the album. That album meant everything to me, but it was only the middle of a lifelong love of the man and the music.

I know that some people think it’s stupid when normal people get upset about the deaths of celebrities. This wasn’t a celebrity death. This was the death of something inside of all of us. It was the death of part of my childhood, of the childhoods of so many people. It was the death of a part of this country, this world. We will never see anything like him again. I don’t want to. I want him to remain the greatest superstar this planet has ever seen. I don’t want anyone to even consider aspiring to his level of talent, celebrity, and influence. It is simply not possible, and to suggest that it is possible is an insult to his memory and legacy.

Haters to the left.

I cried. I watched hours and hours of his music videos. I spent more money that I should on downloads. I didn’t mind. I ignored the protests of family and co-workers. I needed that time to process what was happening. I still haven’t managed to really get over it, but I’m not a moron. I know that life can’t stop, and it hasn’t, but I can say that it has slowed down. Some part of what makes me who I am is gone forever, that part that one man helped cultivate when I was a younger girl who daydreamed she was the girl in the video for “The Way You Make Me Feel.”

No, I was that girl. He was singing to me. That is the way he made me feel.

I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to listen to a song of his again without feeling a brief wash of that grief that is still so near to my heart, but in some way, I think that’s the way it should be. Ten years from now, when I hear one of his songs, I hope I get that moment of sadness. I hope I feel my chest tighten, and I hope I get goose bumps. I never want to forget the things that man and his music stirred inside me. They are some of the best parts of me, and I never want to lose that.

Goodbye, King of Pop. Thank you for what you gave me. No one will ever replace you, and I promise you will never be forgotten, at least not by me.

The End of Something

My family and friends know just how insane I have been about Michael Jackson my entire life. It really knows no bounds.

I can't even really process what has happened today, except to say rest in peace because we all know you never had it in life.

R.I.P Michael Joseph Jackson
August 29, 1958–June 25, 2009

HEEE!!

I just finished my fifth workout in seven days on the EA Sports Active game for the Wii, and I really like it. I'm not seeing results in the way of weight loss yet, but that might be because I can't stop eating Baconators from Wendy's. I LOVE BACON, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS!

Anyway, to make myself feel better, I'm going to get a tattoo today. Maybe even two! I can't wait! Pics as soon as I get it done!


P.S. I CAN SEE YOUR HALO HALO, I CAN SEE YOUR HAAAAALOOOOOOO!

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Keep This Party Going" aka Everybody Gets the Megahump

True Blood Season 2: “Keep This Party Going” aka Everybody Gets the Mega-Hump

Previously on “True Blood”…

Season premiere last week, and they’re already trying to hook us back in. Guess what? IT WORKED. Last week, we found a dead voodoo priestess, Maryann laid the smack down on Lettie Mae and Sam, Lafayette isn’t dead, Sookie met Jessica, Eggs was shady, Jason got brainwashed, Sookie and Bill had a big ol’ fight and then make-up sex, and we found out that it is Eric who has Lafayette held captive and watched him get his vamp on for the first time. AND IT WAS GOOD.

We pick up right where we left off, which is one of the things I love about this show, and Eric THROWS A.B.’s frikkin’ ARM at Lafayette all slow-mo, and I’m not sure whether to be disgusted or go OMG ERIC CAN I HAVE YOUR VAMPIRE BABIES. Eric sort of throws up some blood, and I’m not sure what that is about, except maybe he just gorged himself, which, HI, he did. He’s all covered with blood, and Lafayette is all O.O in the corner. As if him coming downstairs with foil in his hair wasn’t great enough last week, we are treated to yet another GREATEST TRUE BLOOD MOMENTS…er, moment, and it is as follows

Eric: *looks at his hand all covered with blood and goo* Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: *is all O.O even more* What?
Eric: *stepping on A.B’s bones* Is. There. Blood. In. My. Hair.
Lafayette: I don’t know. I-I can’t see in this light.
Eric: *vampires over to him* How ‘bout now? *leans in close to show him his VERY blood covered hair*
Lafayette: Yeah…th-there’s a little bit of blood in there. Yeah.
Eric: Oh, this is bad. Pam is going to kill me.
Lafayette: Who the fuck is Pam?
Eric: Why? D’you want to meet her?
Lafayette: O.O No, no. I’m-I’m good.
Eric: Well, you’re going to. *unhooks him*
Lafayette: Where are you taking me?
Eric: To find out what you know. I wouldn’t try anything rash if I was you. *totally kicks A.B.’s guts and stuff out of his way IN HIS FLIP-FLOPS* I’m still hungry.

Credits. EPIC WIN! The interaction between Lafayette and Eric is PRICELESS.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie and Bill are all post-coital, and for a moment, it’s sort of cute. We get to see them as a real couple, instead of just murder, saving the damsel, etc. etc. They discuss the difference between make-up sex and “I thought you were dead” sex. There’s also a discussion about the similarities between vampires and seventeen year old girls. It’s a brilliant piece of writing, but for some reason, I’m starting to find Sookie really unlikable. I’m not sure what it is. She seems different from last season in the way that she was innocent and cute, and now she’s trying to be all wise and shit. I’m not sure what’s going on. Anyway, at least four times during the conversation, Sookie tries to strangle Bill with her Woman Empowerment Cape, and it finally dissolves into more make-up sex. Blah, blah, blah, SEXY SEX that we don’t have to watch.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam is looking at Eric’s hair in completely disgust, and Eric is trying to apologize, even telling Lafayette to defend him. He mentions “he took silver to me,” so this leads me to think that this is the reason that Eric turned into the snarling beast monster and tore A.B. asunder. Perhaps they can’t control their crazy vampire instincts when they are injured or attacked. Whatever. All I know is that it was hot, and Eric pwns. Anyway, Lafayette wants no part of this, and he tells Eric to tell him what he wants and he will give it to him. Eric tells Lafayette that he’s seen his website, and AHAH, the image of that is hilarious. Lafayette quickly shows us that he will do ANYTHING to get out of this mess, including giving Eric the names of everyone he ever sold V to, and Pam, in her hilarious way, zings him about how prostitutes are supposed to be good at keeping secrets. It is at this moment, we see the beauty of Lafayette, and I am so glad they turned him from a gay short order cook who only makes it one chapter into the second book into the glorious creature we see before us. Lafayette says, “I’m a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whole bunch of other shit after that, but a hooker dead last, so if I got even a ‘Jew at a Al-Qaeda pep rally’ shot at getting’ my black ass up out this mu-fucker, I’ll take it.” BEAUTY!

We get to the meat of it. Eric wants to know what happened to Eddie, and Lafayette spills the beans that he thinks Jason took him, which, he did, sort of. Eric and Pam have a conversation in Swedish(?) and decide that it’s not worth killing Sookie’s brother because she’d get the mega-hump about it. Eric also asks about V buyers in Dallas, and we find out that Godric, his buddy from Dallas who we can also assume is the Sheriff of that area, has gone missing, but Lafayette says he hasn’t heard of any new product, and Eric tells Chow to lock Lafayette back up. This means YAY NOT DEAD YET, but Lafayette doesn’t see it that way, and he pitches the biggest fit ever, and Chow actually has to drag him back downstairs, kicking and screaming and knocking shit over.

It’s interesting to note that on Eric’s desk, side by side, are a bottle of Tabasco Sauce and a bottle of Southern Comfort. Hmm…

On the Bus of the Brainwashed, Jason is trying to sing-along with some random Cult Camp song, and we meet Luke McDonald, and he is a big muscley type jock boy, and already, I am sensing something strange about him. Luke gets very annoyed that Jason has only wanted to go to Cult Camp for two days AND because he’s has breakfast with Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife. He and Jason bond over football and decide to be roommates, and then they sing another random song, and I shit you not, one of the lyrics is “They live forever, but WE WERE HERE FIRST!” AHAH Cult Camp is going to be HILARIOUS.

Over at Maryann’s House of Butler Slapping, Tara and Eggs are all huggy and snuggly, and Tara starts to get nosy about Eggs’ past because she knows nothing about him. Eggs is uncomfortable with this, and we find out that it’s because he has no job, he’s homeless, and he went to jail for drugs, armed robbery, and assault. Basically, Eggs is every offensive stereotype, and he gets the mega-hump and stalks away when Tara is a little unsettled by this information. Boo hoo, Eggs, go cry over some mangoes.

At Casa de Stackhouse, Sookie’s hair is getting more hideous by the minute, and she’s drinking coffee when she sees Jessica’s parents on TV pleading for her safe return. Ooh, creepy. Sookie goes upstairs to Gran’s room and looks at some old picture of her and Tara with Gran, and it is HORRIBLY Photoshopped. I laughed out loud at how horrible it is.

Back at Cult Camp, the campers are getting their “Honesty Rings” which, coincidentally Douche Wife mentions, they are made of silver, so they can be used for defense in case of vampire. Jason gets his first look at Ashley, the resident Cult Camp shank, and some random guy screams “DIE, FANGERS!” The Cult Camp t-shirts are hideous, and as I said, Cult Camp is HILARIOUS.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Daphne, the waitress from last week who worked at Cracker Barrel, is crap at pouring mustard from one jar to the next, and Tara comes in late, trailed by Maryann. Sam gets the mega-hump about this, as anyone would in the situation, and he goes over to tell Maryann to GTFO, and Maryann is just as cool and aloof as usual. She brings up the fact that Sam stole a whole bunch of money from her, so he lets her stay, and then she orders pretty much everything from the menu, which makes Sam go O.O.

Oh, the hilarity CONTINUES at Cult Camp, and we see a flag football game set to the song “God Bless Texas” by Little Texas, which is on my list of all-time hilariously awful songs. During the game, Jason completely wipes the field with anyone and everyone in his path, including his new frenemy, Luke, and Luke gets pissed and tackles Jason. Everybody sort of goes o.O, and then Jason tackles him right back and wins the game. Do I detect a bit of lurve from the Douches toward Jason? I think Douche Wife might have the hots for our boy. I sort of have the hots for him watching him run around with his shirt on his head. He is a lurvely man. Dumb, but pretty.

Lunch at Shithole Bar and Grill, and Sookie stops by to see Tara, and we see Terry freaking out in the kitchen because Daphne’s handwriting is so bad. Sookie and Tara sneak into the bathroom, giggling like fools.

Back in the Dungeon of Manly Flip-Flops, Lafayette is all OH NOES, and what follows is probably one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. Last week, A.B. mentioned that he had an accident a few years ago and that almost his entire ass is made of metal. Lafayette is all sad, and then suddenly, EUREKA! He sees what is left of A.B. and gets a great idea. He maneuvers over to A.B.’s guts and…well, actually, I fast-forwarded the DVR through this because it was so gross. Basically, he gets a piece of metal out of what used to be A.B.’s ass and uses it to break free. YAY! This scene definitely proves that Lafayette is, indeed, a survivor. Could you dig through viscera and guts to get a metal rod out of somebody’s dismembered body to break free from a dungeon? I don’t think so.

Back in the Bathroom of Girly Girls, Sookie has told Tara about Jessica, and Tara tells Sookie about Maryann and Eggs, and Sookie asks Tara to move in with her! YAY, girlie girlness every day! Suddenly, there is a crash outside, and Tara and Sookie run out to see that Dapne has dropped a tray of stuff onto Sam’s foot, and Sookie decides to make tracks before Sam asks her to work. On her way out, Sookie is grabbed by Maryann, who flatters her LIK WO, and when Sookie tries to read Maryann’s thoughts, all she gets is the same thing over and over in a language I can’t recognize. Sookie decides then that she is OUT, and asks Tara to think about moving in with her, and when Maryann hears this, she gets this face -_-. Mega-humptastic.

Back at the Bar of Historical Stereotypes, Lafayette is running for the door, neck shackle and all, and when he gets there, he finds that it is locked. OH NOES! He also finds the waitress from season one who helped get Longshadow killed. Ginger is hiding behind the bar, and she has a gun! Lafayette tries to smooth-talk her, but it doesn’t work. She actually does end up shooting him in the leg, and she goes O.O and he goes O.O, and she apologizes and screams, and it is greatness. Lafayette tells her to get a towel, and when she gets them, she screams again and says, “These are all dirty!” I’m so sure that a guy who has been locked in a dungeon for two weeks is really going to care about dirty towels. (Oh, and a note. I learned it from Emergency Medical Dispatch. Do not use towels to stop bleeding. Towels are used to absorb things. You do not want to absorb blood out of your leg. A sheet or a t-shirt works better. Just a tip. :D)

Apparently, Cult Camp has a variety show because we are treated to Ashley Skank singing a hilariously craptastic song called “Jesus Asked Me Out Today,” which we are reminded is available on iTunes. Oh, product placement. (I would rather scoop my eyeballs out than download that song.) After the music, Reverend Douche Newlin gets on stage for some role-playing activities. This session is about how to deal with vampire sympathizers. Douche Wife is going to be play the heathen sympathizer, and Reverend Douche calls Jason up to play the “Good Guy.” Jason even goes o.O at this, and Luke McDonald goes -_- and hateshateshates Jason.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Sookie lets herself in and finds only Jessica, who has just seen her parents on TV, and she is being her usual annoying self. She starts to cry blood, and I’m not really crazy about that part of vampire media. I’ve never thought it made sense that they could cry at all. Sookie and Jessica have a big girl talk about how hard it is to lose somebody you love, except Jessica’s family is still alive and Sookie’s is very, very dead. Somehow, Jessica manages to talk Sookie into taking her to see her old house and to maybe get a peek at her parents, and Jessica promises that she will OF COURSE stay in the car, and she will, in no way, attempt to leave the car and go talk to her parents. Shyeah. This is going to go well.

Now we see Bill in some kind of clothing store, and he looks very out of place, and a random saleslady comes over to help him, showing him a very short miniskirt, and we know better. Bill is very old-fashioned. In the middle of this, the saleslady realizes that Bill is a vampire, and suddenly, she’s all wanting to try on the miniskirt in the dressing room for him. AHAH, fangbanger. While this is going on, just over Bill’s shoulder, we see a big blond guy in a track suit? With short hair? It’s Eric, with his new fancy haircut, but why is he wearing a track suit? I mean, really? What is this super casual wardrobe all the sudden? I do like the hair, though. I can’t believe I’m saying that, seeing as how Book Eric has beautiful flowing blond hair and TV Eric doesn’t, but it’s okay. Thus is the power of Askars. He calls Bill “Old Sport,” and he asks if he likes the new ‘do. Bill says yes, “Very much,” and saleslady is all “Ohhhhh…,” and it’s very true. Eric and Bill are like gay vampire boyfriends, and we love them very much. Eric gets the smirky smile because he knows what’s up, but of course, Bill is all DERRR? So cute. Eric gets all serious and says, “We need to talk.”

Back at the Cult Camp Variety Show, Jason is doing his best during the role-play session with Douche Wife, who is definitely crushing on Jason. In the middle of the skit, Douche Wife turns around and puts in a pair of really awful fake fangs, and I guess it makes Jason have some kind of post-traumatic stress flashback because he goes all crazy and grabs the American flag and breaks the pole and makes like he’s going to stab Douche Wife, and yes, we all wish he would. It’s a very tense moment where everyone is all O.O, but then Reverend Douche starts a slow clap, and then everyone, except Luke McDonald (who hatehatehates Jason,) goes all crazy, and Jason is the hero forever. But he IS having flashbacks of Eddie and how Crazy Amy stabbed him and how it hurt his heart, and poor Jason. He’s so confuzzled.

Dinner at Shithole Bar and Grill, and Terry is having a meltdown in the kitchen, and even more hints of a Terry/Arlene relationship are thrown at us as she goes into the kitchen and takes over for him so he can have a break. Terry is hilarious. I mean, really. Arlene demands that Terry give her his “tawwwwngs” which I assume is the word “tongs”, and I hate Arlene soSO much. Terry realizes that a lot of orders are going to Table 4, and asks WTH is going on at Table 4? Table 4 is Maryann’s party, and it’s just her there. Across the bar, Sam goes over to Andy Bellefleur’s table, and he’s drunk, of course. He’s swimming in his sea of sad, and Sam sort of lets him. They both comment on how there are people dancing, and people never dance at Shithole Bar and Grill. Sam LIKES that nobody dances, and Andy does, too, because apparently, once he danced at a club in Shreveport, and a girl told him he looked like “an epileptic on meth.” “Never again, Sam. Never again,” he says. This I must see.

Maryann suddenly slinks out of her booth and starts sexy dancing, or what she THINKS is sexy dancing. Suddenly, she has become that sad old wannabe MILF in a bar, who sits alone and hopes somebody will dance with her, and I hate her more than I already did. But whatever, she gets her “groove” on, and when she does, suddenly, the whole bar starts to get the sexy slinky look about them. It’s like they’re in some sort of weird sexy trance. There’s even some butch lesbians getting into it. WTF is going on here?

Back at the Department Store for the Undead, Eric tells Bill that the Area 9 Sheriff of Texas, Godric, has gone missing, and Eric reveals his master plan. He wants to take Sookie to Dallas with him to try to find this Godric. Bill gets the mega-hump about this, and Eric reminds him that Sookie made the deal, and that is that. Bill refuses, and Eric reminds him, HELLO, I am your master, and Bill STILL refuses. Eric makes it known that he can just take Sookie if he wants her, and Bill STILL refuses. Eric offers to dance in a thong while covered in chocolate, and Bill STILL refuses. Kidding! The last part isn’t true, but OH, if it was. Anyway, Eric says WTFever, and is OUT, yo, and Bill is left to be surly.

Across town at Jessica’s parents house, Sookie pulls up in front, and Jessica starts to get all sad. This is when Sookie busts out that she’s sorry because it’s her fault that Jessica is a vampire. Let’s go back, shall we? I do believe that Bill had to make Jessica because he killed Longshadow who was trying to kill Sookie because Sookie was reading Ginger’s mind, and Ginger told her that Longshadow was stealing money from the club. So I do believe that this is all Longshadow’s fault, and Longshadow is very, very dead, so STFU about it already, Sookie. It’s not your fault! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Jessica realizes this because in the middle of Sookie’s little cryfest speech, she sees her sister in the window of the house and runs out of the car and starts banging on the door like a maniac. This is going to go well. Jessica’s mom answers the door, and yes, one thing leads to another, and Jessica and Sookie get invited in, which really doesn’t make sense. Isn’t that Jessica’s house? Shouldn’t she be allowed to go in without an invitation? Or does that stop when the person becomes a vampire? Who knows. Jessica gets her invite, and Sookie goes, too.

Shithole Bar and Grill has become Sexhole Bar and Grill. Eggs shows up and tells Tara that he wants her, and it’s actually cute, in a weird way. Meanwhile, Maryann goes over to get Andy to dance, and YES, we are going to see it! We are going to the see Epileptic Meth Dance!

In the bathroom of Cult Camp, Luke randomly starts verbally attacking Jason, saying “You think you walk on water, don’t you?” Jason, who is nonchalantly flossing his teeth, replies, “No, I think that was Moses.” Oh, Jason. Luke is all OMG THAT WAS JESUS. Luke calls him “Muslim Buffy with a Dick,” and that isn’t very Christian. Luke promises that even though day one belonged to Jason, day two will belong to the Lukeanator. WTF? Jason has some more flashbacks of Eddie, and we cry a metaphorical tear for Jason and his confusion. ;_;

In the supply room of Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam realizes that something crazy is going on in his bar, and he goes out to investigate. The place has turned into Dance Party USA, and then…yes…it’s true. We see it. We see the EPILEPTIC METH DANCE. It is GLORIOUS. Sam comes out and harshes everybody’s buzz, and pulls Maryann into his office and tells her to GTFO of town, and that it’s HIS BAR OMG, and they are HIS PEOPLE OMG! Then Maryann gets all shaky shuddery and OMG! She turns Sam into the Collie, and she tells him she can do it whenever she wants, so he better watch it, buddy. EEP.

Back at Jessica’s Parents’ House, Jessica’s dad comes home and hugs her OMG SO HAPPY and then he FREAKS OUT. He starts shaking her and screaming at her, and yes, this is a very bad idea, because suddenly Jessica vamps out, and tells him OMG GET UR BELT, BITCH but this time I PWN YOU.

Eric’s office at Fangtasia, and Lafayette is slowly bleeding to death on Eric’s couch, and Pam and Chow are waiting for Eric so they can eat dinner. (Note that Pam is wearing a VELVET track suit, and I am very alarmed at the state of fashion on this show.) Eric finally shows up, and scolds Lafayette for trying to escape, and then Lafayette lays a whammy on them all. He tells Eric to make him a vampire. Eric, just like us, is all O.O I BEG YOUR PARDON? Lafayette then lists the pros of him being a vampire, and he does have a good point. He’s a good dancer, after all! He also has a poor moral character, and he’s almost able to glamour people without vampire powers! This sounds like a great deal! But then he puts the clincher on it. He tells Eric, “Not only will I be a bad ass vampire, but I’ll be YOUR bad ass vampire.” Eric gets the drooly face and is all “Interesting…” in his sexy way, but then he totally ruins Lafayette’s day by saying the corniest line in the history of the show. “Pam…Chow…chow time.” They couldn’t think of another word that wasn’t the name of a guy on the show? I guess not. They get all fangy, and the three of them attack Lafayette, and all that sexy biting we have seen so far…this is not that. It is gross, but Askars’ tramp-stamp area shows, so all is well.

Jessica’s about to eat her whole family, and she gets ready to eat her dad first because he is a major jerk, and she pushes Sookie around, but the whole time, I can only pay attention to how bad her fangs look. One of the things I loved about this show was the way all of the vampires have these spring-loaded fangs. They make that cool noise when they come out, and they’re sort of in the middle of their mouths, unlike most vampire media where they are just extended versions of human canine teeth. I thought that was very inventive. But now, I’m noticing that when the fangs first come out, they are in the middle, but when Jessica starts to tell us how teh_suck her parents are, her fangs have moved over, and it’s ridiculous. I’m not sure what that is about, but I do not like it.

Anyhoo, Jessica is about to eat her dad when suddenly Bill shows off and blows the freaking door off its hinges, and suddenly, for the first time, Bill is a fucking BADASS! He commands Jessica to stop, which she does, and when Sookie is all “OMG BILL YAY!” he tells her to SHUT UP, and she does. Then Jessica’s little sister comes around the corner, and Bill lays the whammy on her in a very creepy yet sexy way and HIS fangs are in that weird place, too, and I hate it, but I don’t know who could resist him. She invites him in, and he goes crazy and tells Sookie to get the hell out because OMG this is all her fault! He shoves her out the door, and then he vampires all over the place, and he gives Jessica a look like OMFG and then looks at the camera like OMFG, and it fades to black and we go OMFG!

Next week on “True Blood”…is Lafayette a vampire? Of course they won’t give us any hints! Teasing bastards! What we do see is a lot of Bill yelling at Sookie, Hoyt meting Jessica, Tara realizing that Maryann makes orgies happen, Sookie in a Fangtasia t-shirt, and what looks like us getting back on track with the books when the beast monter…well, I won’t spoil it.

A Glossary of Terms

It occurred to me that some people might not be able to understand the terminology that I used in my "True Blood" recaps, so, taking a cue from the indomitable cleolinda, I put together something of a glossary just in case you were wondering. Enjoy.


A

A.B.
aka AIDS Burger aka the guy who Lafayette beat up for saying he wanted his burger without AIDS aka the guy that Eric sexily dismembers. (The way Eric dismembers him his sexy, not the dismemberment itself.)

ASkars
Alexander Skarsgard, aka Eric Northman

A VAMPIRE, YO
the way that Bill constantly reminds Sookie that he is a vampire because, obviously, she could forget


B

Black Woman Empowerment Cape
Tara's version of Sookie's cape, usually dosed with a heavy amount of racial observations

blurry blurness
see vampires


C

Cult Camp
the Light of Day workship that the Fellowship of the Sun puts on which Jason attends


D

Douche Wife
Reverend Douche Newlin, Jr.'s wife, a blonde monstrosity


E

eye-hating
aka laser beams eyes, when you look at someone like this -_- because you are imagining you have laser beams coming out your eyes to destroy them

eye-loving
giving someone the googly eyes because you are OMG so in love with them, or want to sleep with them. Either one.


L

Lake Merlotte
the random body of water behind Merlotte's

LIK WO
"like whoa" from a song by Mya called "My Love Is Like...Wo!" one of the most hilariously crap songs ever. The spelling of LIK came from a typo.


O

OH NOES!
the ultimate drama, when things are just too dramatic to be possible

OUTRAGED
the people on this show sometimes tend to overact, and when they are mad, they are not just mad. They are OUTRAGED.


R

Reverend Douche Newlin Jr.
son of Reverend Douche Newlin, Sr., who becomes leader of the Fellowship of the Son after his father is mysteriously killed in a mysterious car wreck mysteriously. (after recap 2.01, he just just referred to as Reverend Douche Newlin)


S

Scary Noises
the horror movie staple of strange noises alerting us that danger is around

SEXY SEXY
usually listed as SEXY SEXY ___, when something is just TOO SEXY for one all-caps SEXY

Shithole Bar and Grill
Merlotte's, where Sookie works


V

vampires
aka blurry blurness, a verb that means the way that vampires move super fast. It can also be the way that the scene around them slows down so we know HEY, THIS HERE IS A VAMPIRE,

vampire tractor beam
the way that vampires can beckon humans with a look or a gesture and OMG THEY. MUST. OBEY. and they do that sort of dazed walk

vampo voice
that insane voice vampires always use in vampire media that is supposed to charm the pants (literally) off people. See also SEXY VOICE

VB
Vampire Bill aka the Tornado of Sex and Fangs


W

Woman Empowerment Cape
Sookie has a way of getting all offended when people insinuate that she can't do something because she's a woman. She gets all puffed up and puts on her Woman Empowerment Cape and sets them straight.

Confessions of a Retail Mind

I have been a dispatcher for one year, four months, six days, 22 hours, and 21 minutes, and in that time, I have not once been asked to unpack a box of office supplies. This is because when I started this job, I annnounced, quite emphatically, that I would not unpack a box of office supplies ever again. I spent nearly seven thankless years working at CVS, where every week I had to unpack boxes of a random assortment of items, including office supplies. I did not spend six months waiting for a new job, not to mention the rigorous state testing it took to get the new job, only to have to unpack boxes of anything. I did not go to the Telecommunications Academy and lose an entire month of my life in the roasting-ass heat of August in Kentucky to unpack boxes. That part of my life was over. I would never have another papercut caused by a cardboard box. I broke free from that soul-sucking job, and I swore I would never go back.

Today, I unpacked a box of office supplies.

A piece of my soul died as I put away nine containers of creamer, five containers of sugar, Clorox Toilet Bowl cleaner, and Lysol spray. I blocked and faced them without even thinking as I put them away under the cabinet in our kitchen in the dispatch center. (For laypeople, "blocking and facing" is where you make a block with the product in its correct place on the shelf and make sure the label is facing front. I find myself doing this at Wal-Mart, Target, and my own bathroom.) I realized with sudden horror that even now, after all this time away from CVS, that I will never be free of things I learned there. I will never look at a store the same way. I no longer see just rows and rows of products. I see endcaps. I see SKUs. I see planograms, and I know why L'Oreal haircolor is on the top shelf. (Product placement is not random. Companies PAY to be at eye-level.) I am in a completely different field of work, but yet, I will never be free of the brainwashing.

That is what it is. It's brainwashing. CVS, and I'm sure other retail companies, spend endless hours training their employees on how to do even the most minute task. I had to learn how to vacuum properly. I am not making this up. I had to learn how drape sale papers over the child's seat of a bascart. (Yes, they are bascarts. They are not baskets. They are not carts. THEY ARE BASCARTS.) I haven't worked at CVS for over a year, and still I find myself saying "Well, at my CVS, we did..." That is the depth of the brainwashing. It is not my CVS anymore. It will never be my CVS ever again. I opened that box and saw all of the random items inside, and, for a moment, I was back at CVS on truck day, mentally running inventory and deciding what to put away first. I almost checked to make sure my sky blue polo shirt with its embroidered logo was properly tucked in according to the dress code.

This is not normal.

Will I never be free of that place? Do the things we do and learn stay with us forever, to the point that it becomes a part of our daily lives even when we don't want it to?

Spammy Goodness

I normally wouldn't make another post so soon, but this is too great!!



1. SUPER OBAMA'S PANTS! AHAHAHAHAHAH.
2. The name of my cousin's band in a weird sex spam! EPIC WIN!

So You Think You Can Dance Week 2--Thoughts and Opinions

Forgive me if I spell names wrong. I'm horrible at it.



Randi and Evan--Jive
I'm not normally a big fan of jive, but wow, Randi and Evan did a pretty great job. It's very fast and crazy! They are so short, and I love them. Of all of the couples, these two have the smiley faces to do jive.


Melissa and Ade--Jazz
I hate Melissa. Her face is very strange. She looks quite demented. I am sick of the "naughty ballerina." Sonya's routines are so insane, and this one was no different. I have to admit that if I don't "get" the dance, I have a hard time liking the routine. How was that mess about a "high maintenance girl playing hard to get"? I don't get it. They both have talent, but I just do not get it. AT ALL. Ade is definitely the better dancer of the two.


Caitlin and Jason--Hip Hop
These two PWNED everyone last week with the Bollywood number, so this week they better own this shit. And YAY Shane Sparks! He is good stuff. This week, Jason once again shows up his partner. He is amazing. Caitlin is good too, but in his shadow is where she is going to stay. She just looked completely awkward. Overall, not so great, but Jason was still good.


Janette and Brandon--Disco
I LOVE Brandon. I am NOT a fan of the chick though. And this crazy bitch who does Disco is ALWAYS horrible. She might spell disaster for them. But in the end, it was okay. I'm not crazy about disco, but these two work great together, and Brandon's body is SICK. Janette and do some pretty crazy moves, so overall, it was fun. Not my thing, and there were some parts completely off. The lifts were great, except for the one where it was like "HI, HERE IS HER VAGINA!"


Asuka and Vitolio--Waltz
I hate Louie van Amstel's work, and I hate ballroom, so I don't have high hopes for this. I do, however, like Vitolio, and this week they were very pretty together. That's about all I can say.


Kayla and Max--Pop Jazz
WTF is pop jazz? I have never heard of such a thing. Oh, I see now. They meant incredibly lame slam dancing seizure movements. -_- Again, I don't get the "story" they put behind it, and again, they are talented, but I just don't get it, so I can't say I liked it or them. It was all very random and insane, and Kayla looked like some kind of weird parrot. Blah. I don't get why they love them so much. They're just okay for me.

(And who the hell does Lil' C think he is? WTF are all his weird sayings?)

Karla and Jonathan--Contemporary
Contemp is my favorite kind of dance, so we'll see how this goes. I also like Jonathan, but I think they're getting hosed by not getting Mia Michaels and getting his n00b instead. In the end, THEY WERE FREAKING GREAT. Contemp is the BEST, and they were freaking great at it, especially since Jonathan has never done it. I'm a firm believer that a good contemp piece should make them look like they're having sex standing up, and this did. GREATNESS.


Jeanine and Phillip--Tango
I love Phillip and Jeanine both, but tango? Eek. What I loved about Phillip during tryouts is that he looked as though he could pick up on anything, and while he wasn't the sharpest at the tango, he wasn't terrible either. Overall, it wasn't a great performance, but it was acceptable enough for me, which means they will land in the bottom three and probably be eliminated.


Ashley and Kupono--Hip-Hop
These two were so weird last week that I don't know if they recover. I hope so. I love Kupono and his weirdness. I'm not huge of hip hop usually, but I thought they were really good. I'm starting to like Ashley more and more. Kupono is still really weird, and I still really love him.


I'm not really sure who will be the bottom three, but I'm pretty sure that Jeanine and Phillip will go home. BOO at that.

Spammy Goodness

Today I present the first of what I am sure is to be many issues of Things In My Spam Folder.



1. Indeed.
2. The best part is "how feel give pant?" AHAHAHA
3. Very well-off? Oh, I have to get me one of those.



1. Ankles? What is so wrong about ankles?
2. Pink hubby gooey. Hmmm...
3. WTF is trebuket? Nevermind the rest of that nonsense.
4. I knew it. Apple is a bunch of damn murderers!
5. If I ever get famous, my stage name is SO going to be Britaglious.
6. Scamp cue module brazil!
7. I think that is an understatement.
8. None of those adjectives describe manhood. I mean, really.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Nothing But the Blood"

Note: I'm suspending the season 1 recaps because HI, the new season has started, and who wants to read the old stuff when you have the new? I'll finish them later, but for now...SEASON 2!!

Note: You can also find me here at LJ.



True Blood Season 2: "Nothing But the Blood"

So, previously on “True Blood,” a lot of crazy shit happened. I mean, LIK WO.

We pick up right where we left off. Sam is walking out the back door of Shithole Bar and Grill carrying a big trash bag of money when he hears screaming!! OH NOES! He hides the money in his truck and runs to help! Sookie and Tara are losing their shit over this black leg and foot with polished toenails in the back of Andy’s car, and Andy, who is very drunk, is losing his shit over Sookie and Tara impeding his investigation. Really, they’re not impeding his investigation, but Andy is OUTRAGED that this is happening and very drunk, so, he thinks they are. There is a great moment when Tara is all freaking out and says, “Sam, we need an ambulance. Call the cops!” and Andy goes “WHAT? I AM the cops!” Greatness.

Tara starts to cry because she’s thinking what we’re all thinking--OH NOES! Lafayette! (Because it is so obviously Lafayette because he was so obviously killed in the second book which is the major plot point of said second book, and we have obviously seen that he polishes his toenails red. It is obviously Lafayette, obviously.) Andy starts to check for a pulse but then growls to forget it because there is no pulse. Sam says the most stupid thing ever--”What? Why?” BECAUSE IT’S A DEAD BODY, FOOL. *sigh* Oh, Sam, I love you. You’re pretty, but dumb. We get a close up and…it’s obviously not Lafayette. Unless Lafayette has suddenly grown the boobs of a 50 year old woman. Whoever this woman is, she has a hole in her chest where her heart should be and her face looks like this O.O and so does her mouth. WTF? WHO IS THIS BITCH? And Tara realizes when we do that it’s Lady Voodoo Hoodoo herself Miss Jeanette...well, Miss Heartless now.

And Tara screams her fool head off, and we scream YAY LAFAYETTE IS NOT DEAD! And then we scream WTF, ALAN BALL? WTF IS THIS TOMFOOLERY? But mostly YAY LAFAYETTE IS NOT DEAD!

Credits. Oh, True Blood. I missed you.

So, it’s business as usual in Bon Temps with an investigation going on over yet another dead body, and Sookie is having trouble blocking all the thoughts out of the various people at the scene. Tara blatantly lies to Kenya the Police Officer about not knowing the woman in the car, but she has an internal meltdown because she did cuss Miss Jeanette out and push her around in the pharmacy and that obviously means she ripped her heart out, since Tara is capable of this. Whatever. Coroner Mike Spencer is just as gross as usual, and Andy is complaining about people not taking him seriously, as usual. That’s when Sheriff Dearborn shows up and says GTFO U R OVERWORKED AND DRUNK. And Andy gets OUTRAGED and says OMG I AM NOT OVERWORKED. Hee.

Sookie and Sam have a little chat about how with all the people Rene killed, you could see his rage? WTF? Apparently, Sookie thinks whoever killed Miss Jeanette just wanted to see her suffer. Or just wanted to see her go like this O.O Whatever, Sook. Just go back to being blonde and curvy and STFU with your psychology bullshit. Tara comes over and says she’s ready to close up, and Sookie busts her out about knowing Miss Jeanette. Tara prepares to whip out her Black Woman Empowerment Cape, but she is too overwhelmed at the moment, and she tells Sookie and Sam about how Miss Heartless is the one who gave her the exorcism. Sookie comforts her like Tara has lost an old friend and then immediately tells her she has to tell the police. Yeah, whatever. Thanks, Mom. Tara is all worried about answering questions and how her mom is going to become a hilarious alcoholic again when she finds out.

Back at Bill’s House of OMG ANNOYING TEENAGERS, Bill is dealing with Jessica, the annoying teenager. Jessica talks like Julia Roberts in “Steel Magnolias” which is to say she talks with a HIDEOUS, ANNOYING, DEPLORABLE Southern accent. Is this accent real? Do people REALLY talk like this? Besides the fact that Jessica is v. annoying, this scene is very, very cute. Bill is adorable trying to explain to her the rules of the house which are as follows:

1. Bedtime is at 4 a.m. “and not a moment later.”
2. Hunting is COMPLETELY forbidden.
3. We also recycle in this house. Glass goes in the blue bucket and paper in the white container
4. Jessica may NOT have a cellphone.

In the middle of this lesson, Sookie calls and tells Bill she is going to be late, and his Must Save Sookie bone starts acting up, and he’s all OMG DO YOU NEED ME? And Sookie is very cute and says “I always need you.” SQUEE. Sam overhears his at the bar where he is cleaning up, and hatehatehates Bill SO SO much. So, Bill tells Jessica she has to go upstairs and take a shower because Sookie is coming over, and NO, JESSICA, YOU MAY NOT EAT HER. He tells her to go upstairs and wash off her make up because he will not have her looking like a slattern. Jessica is all WTF? And once again Bill shows that he will never, ever be able to mainstream because he uses outdated words and it so ADORABLE when he does it.

Now, we see Jason and he’s reading a book written by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and he has a revelation that vampires are from the devil. He also has a semi-sweet moment where he smells his sheets and remembers Amy, and you can tell he misses her SO much. It’s actually sort of cute.

Back at the sheriff’s department, Bud and Kenya are all -_- at Tara telling her about the exorcism Miss Heartless gave her and her mom. Kenya has now heard everything because, if you recall, she is the one Tara told the story to about the naked woman and her pig in the road. Miss Heartless’ name is Nancy, but Tara has no need for this. She knows Miss Heartless is Miss Voodoo Hoodoo, and there is nothing they can say that will change that! Andy, meanwhile, is trying to shift blame from himself because Miss Heartless was found in his car, but Tara fights back until Bud finally tells him to STFU, and in the middle of all of this Lettie Mae runs in and is all LORD IN HEAVEN, POOR MISS JEANETTE! Ha ha. I love her.

When Tara tells Lettie Mae that it is Miss Jeanette, Lettie Mae wigs out, and Tara tries to tell her the truth, but Lettie Mae is hearing NONE OF IT. It’s actually kind of sad because Lettie Mae is crying and upset. But she is still hilarious, so all is right in the world.

So, now we see some dripping water and some gross metal beams and just general nastiness, and we go WTF? Because really, WTF? There’s this big gear wheel type thing on the ceiling, and there are poles coming down from it and people chained to the poles. OH NOES, this is some kind of weird sex slave basement? What is this madness? And though he’s trying to hide his fabulousness, there is just no dimming the star of Lafayette, and we go YAY LAFAYETTE, but then we realize WHOA. He has a chain around his neck, and he hasn’t shaved in FOREVER, and he starts trying to drink the water dripping off the gross gear wheel thing, and we are so sad because look what has happened to our beautiful Lafayette! Suddenly, some guy starts going, “Bucket! Bucket!” And the people crawl and push their way around the circle so that the guy is by a bucket, and…oh. He takes a shit. Lovely. Suddenly, a door opens, and some guy comes down the stairs with another guy wearing a hood, and Lafayette and the others all cover their eyes and hide while New Guy is chained up.

Once we get a good look at him, we realize it’s AIDS Burger, the guy who gave Lafayette a hard time at Shithole Bar and Grill, and who Lafayette subsequently beat the shit out of in a fabulous manner. (Hi, AIDS Burger! See what homophobic bigoted idiots get in the True Blood universe? EAT IT.) AIDS Burger is all OMG WTF YOU? And we are all thinking the same thing. WTF? A.B. is all freaking out and screaming and asks Lafayette, WTF are you doing here? Lafayette says he wishes he knew, but I am smart, and I have figured it out. A.B. was one of the guys who killed Malcolm, Diane, Liam, and the coroner boy AND Lafayette was selling vampire blood. So, obviously, these people are being held captive for their crimes against vampires. OH NOES! A.B. asks Lafayette how long he’s been there, and Lafayette is very desperate when he says he has no idea. (Psst. It’s two weeks.)

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie is being comforted by Bill as she tells him about the horrible scene at Shithole Bar and Grill, and all the while, you can see that Bill is trying to tell Sookie something, presumably about the 17 year old girl upstairs taking a shower, but Sookie is all OMFG STFU KISS NOW, and just when they’re about to kiss, Jessica comes out IN A TOWEL and is all O HAI! Sookie is less than impressed.

Outside the police station, Lettie Mae is all disapproving of Tara and still believes that Miss Heartless is Miss Voodoo Hoodoo, and if it keeps her from drinking, then I say let her go on believing. Maryann pulls up an pretty much lays the smack down on Lettie Mae about being a shitty mom and then whisks Tara away. I hate Maryanne. If she is the interpretation of who I think she is (and I’m pretty sure she is) then I hate her even more, and they are really lame-a-fying her character. BOO.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Bill and Jessica are being grilled by Sookie about how this came to be. There is a great moment when Sookie asks, “Did you have sex with her?” Bill goes OMG NO, YO. And Jessica says, “Eww! Old!” and Bill goes -_-. Hee. Bill explains what happened and then sends Jessica to bed, and he is the most jerk face vampire dad ever! Sookie is very disturbed by all of this, but she makes sure to ask if Jessica could have killed Miss Heartless. Bill says, “NO! Probably not.” Then, OF COURSE, Sookie makes sure to make it about her by going all crazy about how Bill didn’t tell her about all of this, and WAH WAH WAH. It’s actually kind of annoying, but she makes good points. She finally asks, “What else are you keeping from me?” Bill takes a minute to answer. (HA! At least they’re following THAT part of the book.) Finally, Sookie gets up to leave, flaps her Woman Empowerment Cape a little, and is OUT, YO.

Now, we are formerly introduced to Reverend Douche Newlin Jr, and his very blonde wife, who we will call Douche Wife. Douche Jr. is having an interview argument with Nan Flanagan, who I love, and afterwards, the Douche family goes to some Fellowship of the Sun party. During the party, the Old who got to Jason when he was in jail introduces Jason to the Douche family, and he is instantly smitten, and Jason is so obviously brainwashed. It’s gross, and also a great parody of religion in general. The Douches invite Jason to their weird cult summer camp, but Jason can’t afford it, and Douche Wife says in a douchey way, “Pray on it. God will give you a sign.” DUH-DUH-DUUUUUH, foreshadowing.

Over at Maryann’s, Sam has shown up with his trash bag o’ cash, and Maryann’s weird butler lets him in and goes to see if Maryann is awake IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. Sam wanders around and has a flashback of when he first met Maryann. He was a puppy who ran into her house to steal food and things, and she catches him, and she strangely looks older than she does now. In fact, she looks fuckin’ haggard, YO. Weird butler says Maryann is asleep, and Sam gets the hell out of there right quick.

Sookie is having a day of wallowing in misery, listening to old country music that she can’t possibly like, and she decides to start cleaning out Gran’s room. (Oh, Gran!) It’s a really sad and poignant moment. We see her glasses and prescription bottle still on the nightstand and her unfinished knitting, and Sookie smells it, and it’s all very sad. (Psst, she did all this in the first book with Arlene’s help and then moved into her grandmother’s bedroom. CREEPY.) In the middle of her cleaning, the doorbell rings, and resident lawer Sid Matt Lancaster shows up to give Sookie some bad news, and Sookie is used to this, but when Lancaster tells her that it’s great-uncle Bartlett and he is dead, dead, dead. Sookie is surprised, but not sad. She asks how it happened, and he tells her that he must have gotten too close to the creek behind his house and fallen in. Um, what? Fallen into a creek out of his WHEELCHAIR that he could barely push up the sidewalk? I think not. Sookie thinks not, too, and it’s obvious that she thinks Bill did it, which, of course, he did. Lancaster also gives her a check for the money that Uncle Bartlett left her and tells her about a million times what a great and kind man he was. Sookie is like AHAHAHA, no.

Over at Maryann’s house, she, Tara, and Eggs are eating fruit and smoking pot by the pool. Tara and Eggs have a heart to heart and ALMOST kiss, but then Weird Butler shows up and interrupts them with fresh towels. Tara goes in since the moment is ruined, and when she is gone, Maryann smacks the crap out of Weird Butler for interrupting them. Hmm…

Now we see Hoyt and Jason at work, and they spend some time lamenting the loss of Rene, their best friend and town murderer. Jason seems to have forgotten that he murdered Gran. Hoyt starts to get on Jason’s case after Jason starts talking about his brainwashing. Hoyt isn’t having any of this nonsense, but Jason is oh-so-crazy about Jesus and the FotS. Sookie pulls up in the middle of it to tell Jason about Uncle Bartlett and to FORCE him to take the check. Jason then sees some sun through the trees, and OF COURSE, it’s JESUS telling him THIS IS YOUR SIGN, YO.

We jump immediately into another flashback of Sam, and teenage Sam is getting ridden hard by Maryann, and in the middle of it she starts to do that weird blurry shaking thing, and Sam gets very freaked out by this, as anyone would. Sam gets interrupted during his daydream by Arlene, who comes in and bitches about not having enough waitresses, and OH LOOK, here is Daphne, you can hire her. Daphne is v. cute, and she worked at the Cracker Barrel! YAY!

Now we’re back in the Cellar of Grossness with Lafayette and A.B., and A.B. has lost his rag LIK WO, and he’s revealing all of his sins and shortcomings to Lafayette, who really does not want to listen, but he does anyway because really, what are you going to do in a Cellar of Grossness? Lafayette laments a little, too, but he is too proud to wallow too much. He lets A.B. do all that for him. A.B. also admits that he let a guy blow at summer camp to make Lafayette feel better. Um…whatever.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Andy is drunk again and questioning random patrons. Some random whore is trying to sleaze up on Jason, and he is having none of that. I mean, he turns down sex? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO JASON? Hoyt also turns her down, but once she is gone, Jason tells her that he can hit that if he wants. Hoyt says he’s not much of a hitter. Hee. I love Hoyt. Some random bitches start talking about Miss Heartless, and then naturally progress to talking about Rene, and how the American Vampire League dug him up and turned him into a vampire as punishment, and then just laugh all AHAHA…just as Arlene walks up and FREAKS OUT. It’s actually kind of sad. Terry Bellefleur, who is so in love with Arlene, comes over and smacks some money down on the bitches’ tables tells them to GTFO and says my favorite phrase in such situations, “Don’t eyeball me!” HA! Arlene hugs Terry and Terry is all googly eyed and smells Arlene’s hair. Oh-kay.

In the back, Jason is telling Sookie about the Cult Summer Camp, and they’re getting along better than ever. Drunk Andy comes and is all “STAAACKHOUSE…I wanna taaaalk to youu..” Oh, Andy. He was cleared and STILL Andy wants to blame him. Suddenly, Bud Dearborn and who I assume is his wife come in with a trophy wearing the most INSANE outfits I have ever seen. I’m guessing they won a square dance contest. Whatever.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Bill is trying to find a Tru Blood that Jessica will like, and she whines about how Eric let her feed on people, and Bill is all GRUMBLEGRUMBLE I AM NOT ERIC, YO. Jessica is all OMG NO YOU AREN’T and then she puts glass into the wrong recycle container! Bitch!

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sookie goes out back to talk to Sam, and Sam is Mr. Grouchy Pants and all drunk and surly. He goes on and on about how OMG IT’S ALL ABOUT SOOKIE, which, hi, it is. Back inside, Sheriff Bud once again tells Andy to GTFO, but this time, he takes Andy off the case. Poor Andy. Sam continues his flashback outside and remembers how he robbed Maryann after their creepy sex, and while he’s taking her jewelry and stuff, he finds a drawer FULL of money. Naturally, he steals it. Back in the present day, Maryann shows up and is all YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF MINE, and when Sam tries to give her back the money, she laughs and tells him, HI, NO. He then accuses her of trying to take away Tara, and Maryann is all AHAH SILLY PUPPY, so not about you.

Out at the bar, Eggs is there, too, and he’s schmoozing up to Tara, and he even manages to sneaky kiss her, and it’s very cute. This is, of course, when Sam walks out, and Tara making out with Eggs is totally harshing his buzz.

Sookie goes over to Bill’s where he has finally found a good combination of blood for Jessica. Sookie plays the girl card on Jessica to get her to leave, and it’s beauty. Jessica is all HEE and goes to bed early. Bill is impressed, but in the middle of it, Sookie is all OMG DID YOU KILL UNCLE BARLETT. Bill gets very choked up and only can say, “He…hurt…you.” It’s heart-wrenching. Sookie is all offended and says OMG IS IT THAT EASY TO KILL? Um, yes, Sookie. HE IS A VAMPIRE. Why do you always forget this. HE IS A VAMPIRE, YO. She goes on this big rant about how killing Rene haunts her and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Bill just sort of stands there until Sookie says that it might not work out because they’re so different, and then Bill vampires over to the door before she can leave, and it happens.

It is the best speech on this show to date. Here is the speech. Prepare your ovaries for explosion.

Bill: Sookie…I cannot and I will not lose you. For all the ways I have dismayed, be grieved, or failed you, I swear I will atone. But I am not sorry. I refuse to apologize for what you have awakened in me. You…you are my miracle, Sookie. For the first time in 140 years, I felt something I thought had been lost to me forever. I love you…and for that, I shall never feel sorry.
Sookie: Goddamn you, Bill Compton. I love you.

And then yes, obligatory face eating and creepy Couple In Real Life sex that is very, very dirty. They totally get blood EVERYWHERE. It’s very upsetting to see red blood going on a pretty white bed. Not to mention Anna Paquin’s boobs, and the fact that we are seeing the way she and Stephen Moyer ACTUALLY HAVE SEX IN REAL LIFE. It’s too much. I have to look away.

When I look back, we see that we are back in Cellar of Grossness, and A.B. tells Lafayette that he has a plan to get out, but the door at the top of the stairs opens, and Lafayette is all OMG SHUSH MOTHERFUCKER because OMG SOMEONE IS COMING. This someone is humming all cheerfully, and we get the close-up and…IT’S ERIC. And he has HIGHLIGHTING FOIL AND A HAIRDRESSING CAPE ON. The joy of this moment cannot be adequately described in words. He looks at Lafayette in his deadly stare way and says, “Ohhh, shushing won’t do any good, sweetheart. We hear everything.” They really give no explanation as to why he comes down in his foil and cape, but it doesn’t matter. It is magic. He rips the cape off to reveal everybody’s favorite black tank-top and track pants, and says he’s going to take out the garbage and unhooks A.B.

Eric reveals that AHAH of course, I was right, and they’re down there for crimes against vampires, and he reveals that a vampire sheriff has gone missing, and they want information. As Eric is using his very muscley, beautiful arms to take A.B. upstairs, A.B. reveals his master plan--he smashes a silver cross right into Eric’s perfectly beautiful face, and ERIC LOSES HIS SHIT. Eric is 1,000 years old, and as I guessed, old vampires are more powerful and crazy than young ones, and he goes COMPLETELY bat shit crazy, all roaring like a beast, and he throws A.B. and then lifts him up and eats his stomach, and there is sinew in his fangs (all done in creepy shadow), and then we see shadow of him ripping off the guy’s arm, and Eric flings the blood all over Lafayette who is O.O and sort of obsessed and in love at the same time.

End credits.

Next week on True Blood…well, to be honest, I can’t remember anything except Eric having short hair (I assume murder in the middle of highlighting might have some adverse effects) and Lafayette asking Eric to make him a vampire and Eric going “Excuse me?” VAMPIRE LAFAYETTE? PLZOMG. Since they’re completely going crazy with not going by the books, why not?

VICTORY. ERIC PWNS ALL.