Recap: True Blood Season 2--"New World In My View" aka Maryann Even makes Bill throw-up

Previously on True Blood...


Luke goes nuke, Eric is a big faker and tricks Sookie into drinking his blood, which makes Bill look like he’s going to throw up, then Sookie starts having SEXY SEXY dreams about Eric and Bill knocks the holy hell out of Eric for said tricksy business. Maryann goes to get Sam out of jail, but Sam gets Sam out of jail first, and Maryann is NOT happy. Hoyt wants Jessica to meet his mom, and yeah…that doesn’t go well. Lafayette and Lettie Mae go and kidnap Tara from Maryann, after a round of beat downs. Godric reveals that he (stupidly) gave himself to the FotS, NanFlan fires him, and Godric decides that the best way to make up for his mistakes IS TO KILL HIMSELF. *headdesk* Maryann shows up and tells the whole town BRING ME SAM, LIKE, NOW, and everybody, including Hoyt’s mom gets the Black Eyes. Sam flies (AHAH GET IT) over to Andy’s hotel room, and Andy decides that Sam being naked on his doorstep isn’t weird at all and lets him in. Eric cries like a bitch, Godric lays the Maker’s Mark on him, and Sookie stays up on the roof to watch Godric die, which is probably one of the lamest moments of this show so far, as he disappears into a puff of blue sparkly flames, and Sookie goes like this ;_;


So, we’re following Sookie down the longest hallway ever, and I suppose they had to get their money’s worth because she’s STILL wearing the picnic blanket dress. Though, she does look really really pretty in this scene. Anyway, the music is all dramatico, and she’s creeping up on a room where the door is open a little, and inside that room, is Eric who is all shirtless and hunched over, and…CRYING EVEN MORE. Really? REALLY, SHOW? Anyway, he’s crying, or at least he has been crying A LOT because there are bloody tear tracks all over his face and down his chest, and he just looks like HELL for the first time EVER in his freaking LIFE. He sort of looks all blank and zombie-like and says, “Godric is gone.” Um, yeah, he is. Gone in a big flash of sparkly blue lameness, Big E. Sookie says she knows and that she’s sorry, and then she sort of reaches down and puts her hand under Eric’s chin and makes him look up at her.

THEN SHE KISSES HIS BLOODY CHEEKS. WHUT? It’s supposed to be sweet, but honestly, all I could think was YOU ARE KISSING DRIED BLOOD. EWW, GROSS. Eric sort of looks uncomfortable for a moment as she is doing this, but then as she starts to pull away, he grabs her and pulls her back. PHWOAR. They sort of do some face nuzzling, and then they start kissing…well, Sookie starts trying to eat his upper lip, anyway. Oh, yes, how romantic. Kissing someone who is COVERED WITH BLOOD. So very sexy and romantic. Anyway, Eric lays her back on the bed, and then pops a fang. Did you ever notice that ASkars wrinkles his nose in an absolutely adorable manner when he pops a fang?
SEE?


OMG it's so cute that it almost distracts me from the weirdness of this scene. Which only gets weirder as Sookie stares up at him, and then she reaches up and touches his fang. Hello, Sookie, personal space, please? That just seems a bit intrusive, don’t you think? Plus, it’s sort of hilarious. Anyway, she’s all like OOH PRETTY FANG, and Eric is kind of like GUUUUUH when she touches it, and then she turns her head like the big neck whore she is so that he can bite her, which is when I realize that this is another dream because HI NO.

And, it is, and Sookie wakes up all O.O, and she’s riding in some kind of van with Jason who goes o.O and asks her what she was dreaming about. Turns out they’re in some sort of airport van thing, and Bill is behind them in the back in his Anubis Air pod, and they’re on their way back to Bon Temps. Jason starts talking about how when he used to go away on football trips and when he got back home, things weren’t like he left them. Sookie reminds us that she’s a little sheltered girl who has never left home before, and Jason starts to say something else, but then he goes O.O, and we hear an alarm going off somewhere outside the van and its elevator music which is playing softly in the background.

HOLY CRAP the sign that says WELCOME TO BON TEMPS now says WELCOME TO BONE TEMPS, complete with a penis drawn on it and the words FUCK OFF. Oh, Show. You never disappoint me with the lulz. But then again, WTF? What has happened to this town? The place is trashed, and as they pass, they see some guy beating his head against a pole. At first I thought he was getting busy with it, but thankfully, no. Then all the sudden, there’s a big THUD and breaking glass, and OH NOES, the van driver has hit some people! Everybody jumps out of the van, and the people who got hit are all bloody and going AHAHAHAHAHA WOOOOO and taking off their clothes. Sookie asks them if they’re okay, and then Sookie and Jason see the Black Eyes, and the people just say WOOOO GOTTA GET SAM! WOOOO IT’S ALMOST TIME WOOOO! And Sookie and Jason go o.O

Credits.

Let me preface all of this by addressing something that I’ve already seen all over the place. Why are Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, and Andy not affected by the Black Eyes power? First, there’s the question of if it’s just in the town, or if you have to be present when the Black Eyed Madness starts. Lafayette and Lettie Mae were in the room when Tara and Eggs got them, so that might suggest no, but it might also just be the Maryann is able to control Tara and Eggs much easier. Other people have argued that it’s because Lafayette has had Eric’s blood and Lettie Mae is religious, so they can’t be affected. I’m not sure about that. A lot of people have had vampire blood, and they still seem to be Black Eyed crazies. And Lafayette has always seemed sort of…different, though we can pretty much say he’s not supernatural in any way. Sookie might be protected because of her mind-reading powers, but there are other reason that she and Jason are protected that don’t come to light until well into the books, so I won’t go into that for spoilery reasons. Let’s just say they have might have natural immunity. And if you‘ll remember, Andy DID have the Black Eyes at a few parties he went to, but lately, he hasn‘t been hanging out with the devil zombies, so I guess that does mean you have to be present to get them when Maryann flexes her powers. The whole thing is a bit weird, and I suppose we’ll have to wait to see.

Anyway, back to the show. Over at Casa de WTF IS THAT? It’s like a big tree altar thing made of MEAT and vegetables. Maryann is climbing up a ladder to work on it, and we see flowers and bones and squash and MEAT in this thing, and there are flies buzzing all around, and it is DISGUSTING. WTF. Eggs is there helping her, like this is the most normal thing in the world, and Carl shows up with a bird on a tray, and she’s all like YAY FEATHERS. In the background, there are guys carrying wheelbarrows in and out of the house, and there’s a guy washing her car, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Maryann orders MORE MEAT and she wants expensive meat because this meat tree is for somebody OMG SO IMPORTANT, oh, and there are people bringing them something living to sacrifice BWUAHA. It’s also interesting to note that Eggs has the Black Eyes. Formerly, it seemed like when people had the Black Eyes, they were just mindless zombies going UUUUGHHH and ERRRGGGH and doing it all over the place. Obviously, they can function now and do household chores.

Over at Motel Sleaze, Sam is huddled down in Andy’s hotel room, jumping at every sound and generally just freaking out, and I believe he’s wearing Andy’s clothes. Andy comes in just then carrying some stuff, and he tells Sam that everybody is gone, and Sam makes sure to check Andy’s eyes. Andy has brought Sam’s clothes from the jail, and some liquor, of course, and he tells Sam that the whole sheriff’s office is empty, the town is destroyed, and people are peeing in the street. Meanwhile, Sam is changing his clothes, and I don’t even CARE what Andy is saying because NAKED SAM. But sadly, not naked, and he tells Andy that he knows the town has gone to shit but he has no idea how to defeat a maenad. “A may-WHAT?” Andy says, and Sam goes -_- because apparently he already filled Andy in on everything the night before, like how Maryann was to blame for the crazies, and oh, yes, SHE is the killer. Maryann is the killer, NOT Sam. She’s immortal, she has powers, and she is going to cut out his heart “so a bunch of naked people can watch.“ And Andy is like yeah, whatever, Crazy Pants, let’s kill that bitch.

Sam’s phone rings just then, and it’s Arlene. She’s hiding at Shithole Bar and Grill, and she’s crying and freaking out. She tells Sam that the crazies have Terry, and now they’re after her, and OH NOES HELP ME. Sam goes YEAH WHATEVER because he has seen Arlene at the crazy parties, but Arlene is like OMG I KNOW BUT HELP. The whole scene, she won’t face the camera, so, yeah, she’s totally still a Black Eyed Crazy, but Sam is noble and shit, and he tells her that he is on his way to help her. Silly puppy.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Jason is leaving a message on the police answering machine about the people getting hit by the car as Bill is being let out of his pod, and PHWOAR, BILL. I don’t know what happened, but he looks FANTASTIC. He looks much better than he has in the last few episodes, and his hair even looks more black, and GUH. Sookie goes over and tells Bill that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong because she can FEEL IT. Oh, yes, and SEE IT because HI the town is destroyed. This is when Maxine Fortenberry appears at the top of the stairs, and AHAHAHAH OMFG. She is a HOT MESS. Her hair is all crazy, and she’s got the black eyes, and she’s all like O HAI VAMPIRE AND VAMPIRE LOVER. Bill, Sookie, and Jason go WTF, and Maxine starts cackling just as Jessica and Hoyt come running out after her.

Bill goes JESSICA WTF, but for once, it’s not Jessica’s fault. Hoyt tries to explain about what’s been going on, and HI, he doesn’t have the Black Eyes either, so this pretty much confirms that you have to be in the room when she works her voodoo to get them. Anyway, Bill asks how long it’s been going on, and they tell him since the night before and how she’s been going on about giving Sam as a sacrifice to the god. Then Maxine makes us all throw up as she gets sexy voice and says, “Why don’t you offer yourself to me, Jason Stackhouse?” OMG BARF. Jason goes O.O as Maxine tries to kiss him, but Bill saves the day and says WTF DOES SHE EVER STOP? Hoyt says that playing the Wii gets her to focus, and once again, Bill’s Wonderful Wii, plot point extraordinaire, makes its triumphant return.

So, they set Maxine up playing the Wii (Dead Space maybe? Not sure.) while they have a chat about what’s been happening. Bill goes o.O as Maxine cusses a blue streak, and says that Maxine says god is coming? Hoyt says yes, that everybody is waiting at Shithole Bar and Grill so that they can take him to Maryann’s house. Sookie goes UM, where is that? And Hoyt has the horrible task of telling her that Maryann’s house is actually her house, and Sookie goes -_- because if there is one thing we know about Sookie it’s that she LOVES her house. Maxine starts crazy talking again how they’re going to cut Sam up and serve him like barbeque, and Sookie goes O.o and asks if anybody has been attacked by anything with claws. Hoyt says he heard that Lady VooDoo had scratches on her when she was found dead AND that Daphne had scars. Jason gets all excited about the possibility of fucking a new waitress at Merlotte’s, but when Bill says they should go talk to her, Hoyt lets them know that HI, she’s dead.

Jason is like WTF THIS IS MY TURF and he says he’s going to Merlotte’s to figure out just what the hell is happening. Bill has a big crush on the Stackhouses, so he tells Jason that if it’s the same thing that got Sookie, OMG IT’S NOT SAFE. But Jason tells him he’s not going to sit back and let monsters destroy his town. Sookie reminds him of the talk they had about using his brain, and Jason is like I AM, and there’s this hilarious war march type music playing in the background, and Jason tells them that this is the war he was training for. Sookie starts to complain, but Bill says that Jason can take care of himself, so Sookie lets him go, and she and Jason hug before Jason runs out the door to save the day.

Sookie then asks where Tara is, and Hoyt is like o.O Um, yeah, she’s been partying pretty hard, and that is ALL that Sookie needs to hear. She grabs her purse, and is OUT, YO, and Bill tags along. Maxine is still playing the Wii, and Hoyt asks Jessica if he should go, too. Jessica says HI, NO because that would leave her alone with Maxine, and Maxine just keeps on keeping on with her crazy self.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam and Andy are creeping up into the place, which looks totally deserted, but we know better. The bar is surprisingly clean considering the state of the rest of the town. Andy says the place is empty, but Sam does his doggy nose trick and says he can smell people. That’s when we hear insane giggling, and Arlene comes around the corner all O HAI SAM, and she has a freaking BUTCHER knife, and she’s like YAY! SACRIFICE! Then she starts some weird chant, and the place is FULL of people that were like hiding under tables and in light fixtures and shit, people that a second ago, were nowhere to be seen. Sam and Andy go EEP because they are completely surrounded, and everybody is acting CRAZY. Andy gets out his gun and fires a few shots, but this only makes the crazies laugh even LOUDER, and then Terry wrestles the gun away from Andy and kicks his ass again. Terry starts shooting up the place until he finally shoots some guy in the arm, and goes, “Aww, FUCK.” Everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS, and I think I’m sick of this storyline.

Sam and Andy escape during the momentary distraction, and they try to run to the back door, but there are crazies back there, too! They hop into the kitchen through the little order window, and all the crazies are like WE’RE GUNNA EAT CHOO. Andy grabs a bottle of liquor as Sam leads him into the walk-in freezer thing in the back, and they lock themselves in. Oh, yes, guys. Great plan. Fantastic. Outside in the kitchen, all the crazies are doing that weird chant, and then Terry, who seems to be flourishing in this post-apocalyptic setting, takes control and says YAY WE GOT HIM. PARTY TIME! He tells Jane Bodehouse to go call Maryann so she can come pick up Sam. Inside the freezer, Sam and Andy realize that they are fucked BIG TIME because they can’t kill the people outside. Those people are their friends, neighbors, and cousins, so yeah, NO KILLING. Meanwhile, Jane Bodehouse goes to call Maryann, but instead, she calls one of those FOR A GOOD TIME CALL numbers instead. AHAHAHA.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Interventions, Tara is tied up to a chair, and she’s still got the Black Eyes, and she’s telling Lettie Mae that it BUUUURNS, and this is very upsetting to Lettie Mae, who just wants to help, and for her trouble, she gets a head butted! Awesome, Tara! It’s Lafayette’s turn next, and he sounds really scared and heartbroken, and tells Tara to get the fuck up out of there, and for HIS trouble, he gets spit on! Awesome again, Tara! She just laughs like a lunatic, and we go HOLY SHIT, TARA IS SCARY. Lettie Mae starts to pray, and we get our first glimpse of what it looks like to be a Black Eyed Crazy, and it’s sort of like looking through watery eyes. It’s very disorienting, and as Lettie Mae is praying, Tara starts to get all fidgety and bothered by it.

OF COURSE SHE DOES. OF COURSE the pagan-inspired situation is MADE ALL BETTER by praying to Jesus. *headdesk* True Blood, you are on my last nerve with this shit.

Anyway, Lafayette joins in the praying, and after they are finished, Lettie Mae is like o.O. Lafayette says, “Jesus and I agreed to see other people, but that don’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” GREAT line. Greatness, but it does not make up for the religious fuckery that has been happening on this show. Anyway, Lettie Mae says that Lafayette has been good to Tara while she, herself, has always been a rotten bitch, but Lafayette has a little emo moment and says he was too wrapped up in his own shit and he should have seen this coming. As though he could have helped. Tara meanwhile acts like a scary, crazy fucking bitch and says BWUAHAH HE’S COMING AND HE’S GONNA KEEL US.

Over at Casa de WhatUsedtoBeStackhouse, Bill and Sookie are pulling up, and they see the Meat Tree, and Bill goes WTF? Sookie says ZOMG STINKS, and they go up into the house to see that it has become like some weird tree house business. There are vines and shit growing out of the walls, and there’s dirt everywhere, and all of Maryann’s hideous statues have showed up, and OH NOES, Sookie comes in and sees that all of her pictures are off the wall, and BEFORE they even show it, I know what is coming. YES, IT’S TRUE. The Photoshop Monstrosity HAS RETURNED! Sookie stares at it all sadly, and honestly, I wonder how she is EVER going to get her house right again. This place is WRECKED.

Sookie’s phone rings, and it’s Lafayette, and she asks him where Tara is. He tells her to GTFO of her house because bad shit is going to happen, and that’s when and Bill see the Bull Head mask thing, and Sookie is like ZOMG WE GOTTA GO. They start to leave, but, of course, they run into Maryann. Maryann goes “WTF are you doing in my house?” And Sookie is like WTF BITCH THIS IS MY HOUSE. Bill tries to help by puffing his chest out and politely suggesting that Maryann GTFO, but Maryann just says NICE BOYFRIEND. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, YOU KNOW. (Note: Alan Ball, I’m going to kill you for that line. Love, Me.) Sookie goes PFFT NOT SCARY. And so Maryann straight CHOKES that bitch. When she tries to pull Maryann’s hand away from her throat, Sookie gets the little mind meldy picture things, and she sees that Maryann is the one who attacked her. OH NOES, and thanks for finally joining the party, Sookie.

Bill comes to the rescue and throws Maryann onto a couch and tells Sookie to run, and then he pops a fang and attacks Maryann, but I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. Maryann starts going OH YEAH BABY RAVAGE ME (WTF?), and Bill starts immediately like throwing up some black goo and foaming at the mouth, and Maryann is like AHAHAHAH PWN.


This is how I feel about Maryann, too. And I love this gif. FO REALZ. And yes, that is a statue of a naked man in the background, and yes, the man parts appear dangerously close to Bill's mouth.

Her blood is like greenish black, and it’s GROSS, and Sookie is trying to help Bill up, but Maryann starts to get up in Sookie’s face going WHAT ARE YOU? Just like Bill did when they first met! Maryann puts her hands all over Sookie’s face, and Sookie has had ENOUGH of this bullshit, and she smashes her hand against Maryann’s face and says NUNYA, BITCH.

AND THEN HER HAND GLOWS. HER FUCKING HAND FUCKING GLOWS, and it sort of zaps Maryann, who goes o.OO.o and Bill goes O.O, and Sookie goes O.O, and I go YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Guys, I really can’t take anymore. REALLY. Glowing hands now? I get it. I understand what it means and why it happened and all of that, but REALLY? UGH. Anyway, they take this time to GTFO, and Bill is puking up his guts with every step as Sookie drags him to her car, and Maryann is just laughing all AHAHAH WHAT ARE YOU ZOMG!

Back in the Freezer of Saddos, Sam and Andy are now freezing to death, and they’re drinking the bottle of liquor that Andy brought in for warmth. Please tell me they’re not going to start hugging. There is a big time party going on outside, and Sam starts saying how if he had left town when he wanted to, none of this would have happened. Andy is like WHATEVS. He tells him he’s been good to the town, even if he’s a sometimes nudist. BWUAHA. Sam starts freaking out about how people are going to start dying, and Andy says HI, LADY VOODOO AND DAPHNE, and Sam takes a minute to BOO HOO about how Daphne was a big liar, and Andy talks about his nanny Annie, Annie the Nanny. And then seriously, Andy starts talking about some crazy insane shit about blind people and one-eyed men and kings, and Sam actually goes WTF ARE YOU SAYING? And Andy says I HAVE NO IDEA. And we go WTF IS HAPPENING WITH THIS EPISODE.

Somewhere out the in the woods, Jason pulls up in his pick-up truck of righteousness, and it is time to GEAR UP, YO. He has all kinds of stuff, such as a nail gun, a chainsaw, and a snappy toboggan, he gets ready and sneaks into Shithole Bar and Grill. Jane Bodehouse is the only guard watching Sam and Andy’s Freezer of Fun, and Jason sneaks around and peeks out into the place, which has become…festive. Yeah, that’s about the only nice way to say it. Creepy Mike Spencer is drinking out of the tap, some girl is making some guy give her some very forceful oral sex, people are doing it on the pool tables WHILE people are playing pool. The place is just a mess. Jason goes O.O, but that would normally be his scene. Then we see a guy who is possibly snorting corn chips, and some chick covered with mustard or cheese or something that is being licked off by…GROSS FOOD SEX. I cannot handle it! Anyway, suffice it to say, this place is fucked.

Jason comes marching out with his nail gun and is like WTF PEOPLE GET OUT. Nobody listens, and they just keep on with what they’re doing, so Jason starts up his chainsaw, and still nothing. Then he goes over and freaking CHAINSAWS through the radio. The power button would have worked just fine, Jason. *patpat* This finally gets their attention, but only for a minute because then everybody goes back to what they were doing again. Jason is FURIOUS about this, and so he cocks his nail gun and gets ready to kick some ass. Some guy in a t-shirt that says THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID tries to get him, but Jason nails that guy to the bar, and he deserves it for wearing that shirt.

Jason takes Arlene hostage, and everybody starts to freak out, but then they are freaking out because they WANT him to put a nail in her head. WTF? Even Arlene is like WOOOO DO IT. Terry snaps out of the zombieness for a minute to tell Jason not to hurt his “special lady”, but Arlene says, “I need a haircut anyway, baby.” Someone explain to me what that means. I so do not get it. I need a haircut so put a nail in my head? Whatever. This gets Terry’s attention, so he asks Jason what his demands are. Jason tells them to all GTFO and then they can have Arlene. Terry agrees, and he tells everyone to LEFT RIGHT LEFT out the door. Everyone leaves, and then Jason hands her over and runs back inside.

Back in Sookie’s Car of Puke, Bill is still retching his guts up, and Sookie is like WTF IS GOING ON. Bill tells her that he’s all right, and she goes NO YOU AREN’T. NONE OF THIS IS ALL RIGHT, and then she says…”I’m calling Eric.” AHAHAHA, oh, Show. Bill immediately goes NO YOU AREN’T and hauls himself back into the car, but then Sookie mentions that she was calling Eric to get to Dr. Ludwig because Bill is fucked up LIK WO. Bill is not concerned about this. He wants to know what all that glowy palm business was about, and Sookie tells him she has no freaking idea. She also throws in that it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods, and that even though she doesn’t have any scars, she could feel her there when she touched her. HI, CREEPY. Bill goes ZOMG I WILL KEEL HER, and Sookie says GOOD, BUT HOW? This takes Bill a minute, and then he says that Tara has been under her influence, so maybe Tara can help. Bill, sweetie, Tara ain’t helping nobody do nothing. Then he’s like GIVE ME YOUR WRIST NOW BITCH, and he bites Sookie’s wrist so he can get better.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Jason lets Andy and Sam out, and they wisely check his eyes, but YAY Jason is not a devil zombie, so they come out. They realize that the doors will only hold for so long, and Jason comments that if they’re going to get out of there, they’re going to need a bigger “divergence.” That’s when Terry throws a keg and some guy through the window, and HI, that is not what Jason meant. They start to run for it again, but it’s no use. Devil zombies everywhere! Terry comes in and sits down to smoke a cigarette, and he tells them that the God Who Comes is going to get Sam AND Jason for not being cool, and Sam realizes it’s time to give up. He decides to turn himself over to save the rest of them, and the devil zombies get him and Sam does some crowd surfing as Jason and Andy go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Fun, Tara has started rocking back and forth, doing that crazy chant, and Lafayette has had just about enough of this shit, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He goes to answer it, thinking it is Sookie, but it’s not. It’s some college girl who wants to buy some V so she can get through finals week. Lafayette is like ZOMG BITCH GET OUT. Bill and Sookie pull up just then, and Bill uses his super hearing to hear what is going on, and when he hears V, he vampires out of the car to up right beside the college girl and goes GTFO NOW. Lafayette about shits a brick because OMG VAMPIRE TRAUMA, and once college girl is gone, Bill is like WTF? Lafayette IMMEDIATELY says GET OFF ME, MAN, ERIC TOLD ME TO.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Way to go, Lafayette. You just sold Eric out, and don’t you believe for a second that Bill isn’t going to rat Eric out because HE SO IS. And really, it’s no more than Eric deserves. Telling Lafayette to sell V? Really, Eric?

Anyway, Sookie runs inside, and Lafayette politely invites Bill in, and they go and check out what’s going on with Tara. Sookie is like WTF, and Lettie Mae sees Bill and goes O.O. Tara goes OMG GET OUT OF MY FACE, C-WORD. Oh, HELL NO, Tara. Sookie tries to mind meld with Tara, but all she sees is swirly blackness, and Sookie is like WTF? She tells them that Tara is totally gone, but Lafayette and Bill tell her that she has to keep trying, that she has to push farther than she ever has. Meanwhile, Lettie Mae is like WTF MIND READING? Sookie tries again, but all she gets is a few glimpses of one of the orgies, and Sookie tells them that there’s a barrier that she can’t cross.

Bill suggests that he hypnovamps her, and Lettie Mae does not like this idea, and neither does Sookie, but Bill says that if they leave her with the Black Eyes, who knows what could happen to her or them. Sookie finally agrees, and Lafayette and Lettie Mae hold hands as Bill leans in and INTENSES right in Tara’s face. He says OMG CAN YOU FEEL MY INFLUENCE DON’T FIGHT IT LET ME IN, and his voice is uber sexy as he does it, and I go PHWOAR.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, the crazies tie Sam to the top of a car, and Arlene is like THANKS SAM YOU’RE AWESOME. Then suddenly, a flare goes flying through the air, and all the crazies are like OOH PRETTY, and then we hear a voice go SILENCE! Everybody looks over, and AHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I will be laughing about this for DAYS. To us, it’s very obviously Jason in a gas mask with some flares and a pair of oven mitts or something. To the crazies, he looks ZOMG IMPRESSIVE AND SCARY and his voice is LIKE THIS ARGGGH. He jumps up onto a car and goes I AM THE GOD WHO COMES. And Creepy Mike Spencer goes UM, WHUT? Sam causally reminds them that the God Who Comes has horns, so Andy runs off to get some. OMG THE LULZ.

JasonGod goes SAM MERLOTTE YOU ARE MINE, and he tells everyone to go home. The crazies are like WHAT? And JasonGod goes, “Oh, yes. He is the…best offering ever.” And that is when I totally lost my shit because this is freaking HILARIOUS. All the crazies are like WOO WE DID GOOD, and JasonGod says something about them having good crops and NOW GTFO. Terry goes BULLSHIT THE GOD HAS HORNS, and that is when Andy holds up a TREE BRANCH behind Jason, and it looks like horns, and all the crazies go OOOOOH. Sam takes that moment to climb down off the car, and I am not kidding you, I nearly peed myself.

Sam holds his arm out all LORD SMITE ME, but Jason can’t hear him through his gas mask and such, so he asks Andy what he said, and Andy says he doesn’t know. So Sam keeps having to say SMITE ME, SMITE ME, and finally he goes SMITE ME, MOTHERFUCKER. Jason finally gets it, and he goes GRRRRARRGG I SMITE THEE, SAM MERLOTTE! And Sam starts shaking and convulsing and then POOF he is gone, and all that is left is a pile of clothes.

The crazies go OMGWTF, and even Jason and Andy go OMGWTF, and Creepy Mike Spencer investigates the clothes, and then they go YAY HE’S GONE. JasonGod tells them to tell their leader that he is very happy with his offering, and to leave, and that’s when we see Terry swatting at a very persistent fly. OH, SAM. YOU SNEAKY PETE. Terry tells the crazies to report to Maryann for debriefing, and Jane Bodehouse’s nasty self says “Anybody who wants to debrief me, can do so right now!” BARF.

All of the crazies run off, and Jason takes off his god costume, and he and Andy go WTF WHERE IS SAM? And then Sam appears wearing NOTHING but a kitchen apron and a fire extinguisher to put out the flares, and might I say, his rear end is LOVELY. Andy takes a swig from his bottle and says it’s the last drink he’ll ever take, but Jason takes the bottle, and I’m guessing the swing he takes will the first of many.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Mindfucking, Bill is still trying to hypnovamp Tara, and Sookie is behind her, hugging her for all it’s worth. They are tag team mind-melding, and Sookie is getting nothing. Bill sounds really horribly desperate and panicked, and Tara is like BACK OFF, WHITE MAN, but Lafayette tells her to listen and Lettie Mae starts praying, and Bill practically pops a blood vessel and tells Sookie OMG NOW. So Sookie does her thing, and she starts to see a little more of the crazy orgy, and when Tara and Eggs first got sucked in and were doing it, and she sees Sam, and the gross Hunter Souflee, and Tara and Eggs’ Home Fight Club, and Maryann, and just all the hideous things that have been happening, and then SLOWLY the Black Eyes start to go away until finally, THEY ARE GONE! YAY! TARA HAS BEEN SAVED!

Bill and Sookie both look totally exhausted from the effort, and Tara is like WTF? WTF! OMG! OMG! And then the poignant violins start and she and Sookie are hugging and crying, and then Tara is hugging and crying with Lettie Mae, and it’s just a big hug and cry fest, and Sookie is like I NEED OUT, YO. She goes outside, and Bill follows her, and Tara looks at Lafayette, and Lafayette just sort of waves at her. It’s really cute, and she hugs Lafayette, but then realizes OMG EGGS. She gets up and says she has to get Eggs, but Lafayette beats her to the punch and locks the door and tells her NO.

Outside on the Porch of Trauma, Sookie tells Bill that there was nothing of Tara left inside her, and how she can’t believe there are other things that can hypnotize people. Bill reminds her that humans are pretty much stupid and easy to control, which, hi, we are. Sookie realizes that all of it is coming from Maryann, and how GROSS it is that they eat hearts but now Maryann wants THEIR SOULS ZOMG! And she says OMG THAT CHANT! Bill says WHAT CHANT and Sookie repeats it, but Bill finishes it for her, and we get a quick flashback to the hilarious days of Bill’s 1930’s smoking jacket, where he was reading that book before he and Lorena got into the domestic, and IT JUST SO HAPPENS he was reading about THAT EXACT THING.

OH, AHAHAHAHAHA. I love it! HOW IS THAT FOR CONTINUITY, BITCHES?

Anyway, Bill gets the OH SHIT face, and Sookie knows what that looks means. Bill says he’s read about this crazy shit, but he assumed it was a myth. Now he thinks Maryann might be one, but Sookie only wants to know how to kill her. Bill says OMG I DON’T KNOW, but he might know a vampire who does know how. MIGHT KNOW, he repeats. But if he’s going to get there before sunrise, he has got to motor, and sorry, Sookie, since you are mortal, you don’t get to come. He tells her she can do more good by staying with her friends, and he says “Tara” like “Terror” because he’s British in real life and they have a problem with things sending with “a”. Bill knows that the only way that Sookie is going to stay is if she remembers that her friends need her, and besides is the lair of a vampire queen really any place for Sookie? Probably not. So Sookie agrees because OMG look what happened when she left the first time! YES, SOOKIE, BON TEMPS REVOLVES AROUND YOU. It’s YOUR FAULT OMG.

Bill asks Sookie if she can do the glowy palm business again, but Sookie says she doesn’t even know what it was, so probably not. Bill then tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and he makes her promise she won’t go over to her house. We know that Sookie has a history of not thinking before she does things, so she promises, then Bill kisses her goodbye, and he vampires away fast and hard enough to totally blow Sookie’s hair back. PHWOAR, BILL. PHWOAR.

Back the Old Compton Place, Maxine is trying to get out the door, but Hoyt is locking her in, and for a second, it looks like she’s trying to screw him. O.O Jessica is on the stairs totally about to lose her shit, and Maxine launches into a tirade against Hoyt that is really mean and hateful. I mean, the things that she is saying are really horrible. Hoyt is just shrugging it off, but Jessica CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OMG. Maxine just keeps on going, and Jessica pops a fang, and then IT IS ON because Jessica hasn’t eaten in days, and she FLINGS Hoyt aside like a rag doll and then totally bites Maxine all vicious like. EEP! (But of course everyone will forgive Jessica for being a vampire, even though they crucify Bill for it every week. WHATEVER.)

So now we see Bill walking up to some freaking temple thing, and there are some guys who look like extras from “The Matrix” standing outside, and they’re like YOU ARE EXPECTED, SIR. They lead him across a bridge that covers a pool, and the whole place is INCREDIBLY tacky. I mean, it’s out of CONTROL and it‘s HIDEOUS and not at all what I expected. And Bill goes into a room, and starts to say WHAT UP, YOUR MAJ, but then OH NOES, he goes O.O, and we see a dangling foot with blood dripping off of it!

CREDITS!


I have to tell you that I am really pleased with this episode. We went back to the ORIGINAL madness that made the show so likeable in the beginning. Most of the fan girls have been complaining because OMG NOT ENOUGH ERIC OH NO WAAAAH, but honestly, we need a break. We’re going to get oversaturated with Eric, and after last week, I am GLAD we only saw a few moments of him. He needs to go and mourn or whatever. In his place, we got TONS of Bill, and the Bill I know and love. Sookie was fab, and Jason…OMG JASON.

Honestly, what made AB and the producers decide to do this overblown Maryann bullshit? The storyline in the book would have been sufficient, but instead, we see less and less of Sookie and more and more of the lame wads that I don’t care about. PLUS WE WOULD HAVE SEEN THE SPANDEX PANTS ON ERIC. Anyway, the only good news is that once this season is over, NO MOAR MARYANN.

I warn you, if there is any tomfoolery in the comments about OMG I HATE BILL, I am not going to be nice about it this week. Things got sort of nasty for me last week because of these recaps, and I’d really like to not have a repeat of that. So, if you can’t have intelligent discussion and just want to go OMG BILL SUCKS, please don’t leave a comment. THIS JOURNAL IS SHIP WAR FREE. THIS IS A NEUTRAL ZONE! Otherwise, BRING IT ON!

HATERS TO THE LEFT
And Vampire Bill says...

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"I Will Rise Up" aka Eric Northman is a Cry Baby

True Blood Season 2: I Will Rise Up aka Eric Northman is a Crybaby


Previously on True Blood…

Eric and Godric have a big man-love reunion, Eric asks Sookie to trust him, Douche Wife shoots Jason in the man parts with a paintball gun, Jason PWNS Douche Wife, Lafayette tells Tara Eggs sucks, Eggs tells Tara that Eggs sucks, Maryann feeds them Daphne’s heart and they have a fight club, Daphne is found in Sam’s freezer and Sam is put in jail, Sookie runs in to save Sookie, but Jason actually saves her, then Sookie saves Eric, then Godric saves the FotS, and EVERYBODY IS SAVED. Bill tells Eric that Sookie will never be his, and we all laugh for days, then Lorena shows up and tries to claim Bill, but Sookie screams at her, and Godric saves Sookie from Lorena when she gets fangy, and Bill eschews her with a firm hand just as the Lukeanator shows up at Godric’s Party Palace. HATE CRIME GO KABOOM!



So, this week, we open up a few seconds before where we left of last week, and the Lukeanator has come to the party, and he brought the fireworks! AHAHA, oh, I suck. Anyway, he tells Jason to get away from him, and let’s note that Jason is still like RIGHT behind him. He says SCUSE, VAMPS. FotS PWNS! Outside, Bill and Lorena are still talking, and Bill says that it doesn’t matter if they ever meet again because she is DEAD TO ME, YO. Lorena is like OH, YOU WILL REGRET THIS, and then she vampires away dramatically. Then, as if someone is trying to tell Bill that HE WILL REGRET THIS, Godric’s Party Palace totally BLOWS UP. HATE CRIME! Bill pops a fang, and then vampires inside.

OH NOES! It is chaos and dust and destroyed Ikea furniture, and there are guts and people screaming, and I really do think this is better than just having them shoot up the place like they do in the book. Anyway, Bill is frantically searching for Sookie, and when he finds her, everybody goes LMAO because Eric is like SPRAWLED out on top of her in the best Jesus pose we’ve ever seen, and he’s all UGH and Sookie is all SQUASH. Bill goes to hold Sookie’s hand, and Eric is like I SAVED HER, and his fangs look SO pretty. Then he picks up his head a little and tells Bill to get the humans, and Bill growls and looks back, and there’s some little guy with a crossbow peeking in the window all IM IN UR BUSHES, STAKIN UR HEARTZ.

The little guy goes EEP and runs away, and we see there’s another guy who jumps in a car, and the little guy jumps in the back, but it is too late. Bill grabs him and drags him out of the car and throws him on ground all PWN. The guy goes O.O and says that they really didn’t think the Lukeanator would do it, and Bill is like WELL HE DID, YO, and then he bites the guy’s neck VICIOUSLY, and suddenly, I want to have Bill’s vampire babies.

Credits. HEE!

After the credits, we see Godric and Isabel appear, and they seem to be okay, so Isabel goes around checking on people and pulling wood out of legs, and Godric is looking around like ZOMG NO, MY PARTY PALACE…or, you know, SAD BLOWED UP VAMPS. Whatever. Then we go back to where Eric is still sprawled on top of Sookie, and Sookie finally goes OMG GET OFF, and she practically tells him he’s fat as she struggles to push him off of her. She sits up and starts screaming for Jason--Jason who was RIGHT BESIDE LUKE--and after yelling for him for a bit, Jason finally peeks out from under some rubble, and though he’s covered in Lukeanator pieces, he’s okay. I suppose we’re meant to believe he dived behind the fireplace wall, and that is what shielded him from the blast. WHATEVER.

Anyway, Sookie turns back, and Eric is groaning and moaning, and Sookie’s like UH OHS. And then we get either the WORST acting I have ever seen OR the most hilarious moment of Eric since the show begins--I can’t decide which, but I’m going to lean to the side of HILARIOUS because Eric goes “Had to…shield you…” all breathy and dramatic-like, and Sookie is like WTF? HEAL NOW PLZKTHNX. Eric says no can do because of the silver, and Sookie starts to go get Godric, but Eric grabs her arm and says, “No…time…Sookie…help…” And Sookie goes UH, NO because “it’s too gross…and it’s you.” AHAHAHA, I love you, Sookie. I LOVE YOU. Then hilarious Eric is all “Dying…dying…” and he actually goes “UGGGHHHH” as he lets his hand drop like he’s dead. Sookie goes [>.<] and says “SON OF A MOTHER…” And then she leaps into action.

She bends down and starts sucking on a hole in Eric’s neck, making the grossest slurping sounds EVER, and you know…this isn’t quite as sexy as I imagined it. Anyway, she sucks for a while and then finally spits out a piece of silver, and says WOOT! WIN! But Eric says ACTUALLY, NO. And his pectoral muscle looks like of flat and weird, so I’m assuming he means there’s one there, and Sookie goes OMG WTF, but she pulls down his RUINED tank top and then BLOOD COMES OUT OF HIS NIPPLE LIKE A FOUNTAIN. *headdesk* Anyway, she starts a-sucking, and Eric picks up his head and then GRINS like a LUNATIC all AHAHAHA I WIN. You go, bb! That is the Eric I know and love!

Back outside on Poor Stupid Kids Street, Bill has finished biting the poor stupid kid, and the kid starts freaking out, and Bill says for him to tell the Newlins who were bitches that sent kids to do their dirty work that a vampire showed mercy like Jesus where they had none. Then he shoves the kid away, and the kid goes flailing down the street.

Inside, Jason is stomping out some little flames that are still burning, and he looks completely devastated, as though he’s finally realized what he had been a part of, and then he spots something and goes “LUKE,” and yes, it’s just a few of the Lukeanator’s fingers, his Ring of Honesty still on. I thought for a minute that Jason was going to hold them or try to do a secret handshake. THIS IS HOW MY MIND WORKS. Anyway, Isabel is walking by in her fierce boots, and Godric asks her who’s dead. Isabel tells him that Stan and some other vampires we don’t care about plus some humans. Stan? Cowboy Stan? ;_; I’d be more sad if he had been Book!Stan, and I guess we’re going to have to find a new future sheriff for Dallas. And Godric’s like WORD.

This is when Bill comes wandering back in to find Sookie, and he finds Sookie all right. He finds Sookie sucking blood out of Eric’s Viking Nipple, and Eric has his head propped like he’s relaxing on the beach! CLASSIC. In the middle of guts and chaos, Eric is just chillin’ like a villain with a human girl drinking his blood. Such win. Bill goes WTF? Sookie sits up and says I SAVED HIM YAY, and Eric sort of purrs, “She was superrrrbbbb.” Then the look that Bill gets on his face is so terribly awful. It makes my heart hurt for him. He sort of averts his gaze, and he looks like somebody just killed his puppy, and he says that Eric was in no danger. Eric slants a gaze at Sookie that says I IZ PIMP, and Sookie goes WTF?

Eric admits he lied, but it was only a “tiny falsehood,” and Bill looks DISGUSTED as he tells Sookie that he was already healing and that the bullets would have pushed themselves out. (Okay, are they bullets really? No, they’re shrapnel, but whatever.) Bill looks like he’s about to start crying as he tells Sookie that this was how Eric forced her to drink his blood. (While he’s saying this, a big piece of the Lukeanator goes sliding inconspicuously down the wall. GROSS.) Sookie goes O.O and starts saying NO, NO, NO, and Eric just lays there like YES, YES, YES. Bill tells Sookie that now Eric can sense her emotions and such, and Sookie goes “YOU BIG LYING A-HOLE!” to which Eric responds, “Bill, you’re right! I believe I can sense her emotions.” AHAHAHAHAHA. Then Sookie punches him right in the stomach and jumps up so Bill can comfort her, to which Eric says, “Sweet.” Sookie says she will never do ANYTHING to help him EVER AGAIN, MONSTER! Eric vampires up like TA DA, and Bill says OMG NOT YOUR FAULT, to which Eric responds, “I think I’m gonna cry.” And Sookie shoots him eye laser beams LIK WO. AHAHAHA.

So, Isabel tells everybody to listen, and when nobody does, Jason walks up beside her and is like YA’LL SHUT IT! Godric tells everyone to go to the Hotel Carmilla just in case the FotS comes back, and everybody starts filing out. Sookie is wiping her mouth off all OMG GROSS, and Bill gives Eric laser beam eyes, and Eric sort of looks at him like WHUT? I’M EVIL as Bill and Sookie leave. Eric stops to look at Godric, and Godric takes one last look at his ruined party palace, crying a metaphorical tear for his obliterated Ikea throne, and he leaves, too.

Back at Hotel Dumb Bitch, Sookie is coming out of the bathroom, and she’s going on about ZOMG HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH A DUMB BITCH? Bill says that Eric did take shrapnel bullets for her, so at least they’re both alive. This obviously isn’t enough for Sookie because she says she should have known better than to believe a single word out of Eric’s mouth. Then she is terribly cute as she says, “I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?” You’re a vampire groupie nice person, Sookie. That’s all. AHAHA. Bill says that Eric has had a thousand years to become a good liar, and that he did it to prove his power over Bill. Hey, Bill, bet you wish you didn’t try to man-handle him and say SHE IS MINE, YO back at the Party Palace, now do you? HA!

Sookie says she spit most of the blood out, but some of it had to go down, and Bill tells her that it only takes a few drops. Sookie says that the worst thing is that Eric will be able to tell where she is and what she’s feeling, but Bill goes O.O and says, YEAH NO. Bill tells her not to be surprised if she starts being attracted to him, you know, sexually or something. Sookie is like WTF? HE IS GROSS, but Bill says it’s going to happen, so just prepare yourself for SEXY SEXY DREAMS. Bill says it would have happened sooner or later because Eric was determined to have the bond with her, and Sookie just goes OMG! It’s very, very cute because Sookie says, “I could kill him.” Bill actually goes -_- and he says “I concur.” HEE!

Back at the Old Compton Place, Hoessica is in full-effect, and Hoyt is trying to comfort Jessica about being a perma-virg, and Jessica is saying that maybe there’s an operation she can get done because OMG VIRGIN FOREVER. Jessica gets all dramatic and tells Hoyt that he should break up with her, and Hoyt it like OMG SHUT IT NO. In fact, he wants her to meet his mom, and I’m SO SURE that’s going to go well. (Personally, I think it will end with Maxine staking the hell out of Jessica, but that’s just me. :D) Whatever, this can be paraphrased as JESSICA AND HOYT REMAIN CUTE BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hoyt sings to her as she gets into the hole in the floor, and YAWN.

Over at Casa de Fight Club, Eggs and Tara and up and feeling the effects of their insane cannibalism. They’ve very bruised up, and Maryann comes in and says WHOA and she’s right because WHOA. Maryann blames it on some acid and calls them hippies, and Tara and Eggs are like STFU. Maryann goes on about how being in control is just some box society puts us in, and WE NEED TO BE OUT OF CONTROL OMG. Tara says she doesn’t want to be blacking out, and Maryann says some crap about it being a higher state of consciousness, and Tara is like WTF NO because her mom blacked out for years and NOT FUN.

Maryann starts talking about Indian villages and shamans and their madness, and how everyone thought they were crazy, and Tara is like YEAH BECAUSE THEY WERE. Then Maryann almost starts CRYING telling her how NOT CRAZY they were because they were trying to get closer to their god. WHUT? Tara and Eggs go WHUT at each other, and Maryann gets all shitty and tells them that a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss, then she cheerfully says BLOODY MARY, ANYONE? Can I say again how much I HATE THIS BITCH? Don’t try to make her deep and shit. YOUR TEARS DO NOTHING BUT ENRAGE ME, Ro LarenMaryann. GTFO.

Over at Mayberry R.F.D., Sam is sitting in his cell watching a fly, and Bud is OVERWHELMED by the amount of crazies he has locked up. Said crazies are getting crazier by the minute, and they’re all screaming from inside the cells that are way too full. Jane Bodehouse actually says, “All I did was lose my pants! There’s no law against that!” AHAHA. What I’m wondering is if half the town is locked up, who is running the Grabbit Kwik? Bud is like STFU to all of them, and Sam finally joins in and says that he has no evidence to keep him locked up, then he beats up his jail bed in frustration.

Back at Hotel Cuckold, Bill is sleeping but Sookie gets up, and she’s goes and knocks on Jason’s door. Jason peeks out all cute and lets her in because neither of them can sleep. They have a big heart to heart on the bed about all kinds of things. This scene to me is AMAZING, but nothing escapes my snark, so here we go! They talk about how Jason was always the star of the family, and how Sookie was the weirdo. Jason says they liked him for his athletics, his good looks, and his SEX ABILITIES. AHAHA, Jason, I love you. He says that the Newlins acted like they cared about him for him, and it was a lie, but they kept his head from being too full of stuff that he won’t talk about. Sookie does says WTF about the Soldiers of the Sun, and she asks him what Gran would think, but Jason freaks out and won’t talk about Gran OMG WON’T.

Sookie says that they can’t forget her or stop loving her because it hurts, and Jason starts to cry a little, and it BREAKS MY COLD, DEAD HEART. At this point, Jason realizes that he and Sookie really are alone in the world, that they are all that is left of their family, so Sookie says they have to grow up and stick together. Jason apologize to Sookie for everything he’s ever done because he’s a dumb ass and a fuck-up. Sookie agrees and tells him HI USE YOUR BRAIN and you wouldn’t be. Jason is all sniffly, and Sookie tells him that she always loves him even when she wants to “stick his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard.” AHAHA, that is the Sookie we know and love. Jason wishes that Sookie was normal and had a normal boyfriend, but Sookie is like WTF, I didn’t have a choice. Then they decide to lay down and watch TV, which is what everyone does after a big, emotional heart-to-heart.

Guess who is on TV? The Newlins! YAY! Reverend Douche has a big red mark on his forehead where Jason shot him, and they are telling everyone that Godric VOLUNTEERED to be held prisoner. Nan Flanagan is there, too, being her usual great self, and she tells the Newlins that they used their church to form a terrorist group, and Reverend Douche is like NUH UH. Nan rips them a new one, and Douche Wife steps in and says they’re fighting for the earth and sunlight and Christmas and Easter eggs, and this is when I go AHAHAHA WTF? This is also when Reverend Douche cuts Douche Wife off, and Douche Wife has obviously had ENOUGH. She starts saying how the Reverend Douche can’t handle not being the center of attention, and “I hate your hair.” AHAHA DOUCHE WIFE. I love you, A LOT. Anyway, Jason calls them a “witch and a sumbitch,” and that’s pretty much dead on.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, there is this bitch in there who wants to see where Daphne’s dead body was, and she even has a camera, and Arlene is like WTF SICKO and kicks them out. Arlene is freaking out because at this point in time, she’s the only waitress working there, and she’s overwhelmed. She goes to talk to Lafayette and tells him how scared she is, and she thinks that there’s a curse, and Lafayette gives her a shot and tells her that he’ll look out for her if she looks out for him. Terry yells ORDER UP and Arlene goes to get it. She goes to the little window, and Terry won’t look at her, and he’s being very weird, and this is when Arlene starts crying and freaking out because she thinks he‘s still weirded out about them doing it. Terry tells her not to cry, and that he doesn’t mean to be “peculiar…at her” and he also mentions that HI he can’t remember what they did, so it’s not terrible! YAY! Hmmm. Arlene goes OMG YAY because he doesn’t remember either, and I guess this means they made up.

Tara and Eggs come walking in, and when Lafayette takes one look at them….oh, man. Tara says OMG IT WASN’T EGGS. But, HI, it was, and Lafayette is like OMFG HOOKUH WTF? Tara says she doesn’t know what happened, and Lafayette does not accept this. He says WTF to Eggs, and then it gets nasty. Eggs says that he doesn’t hurt women, and Lafayette tells him he’ll show him what it’s like to get his ass beat. And then the moment comes that makes me hate Eggs forever, and there is no coming back from me hating you for this.

Eggs’ response is “You might want to take those eyelashes out yo eyes!” This is a disgusting homophobic insult, and Eggs is DEAD TO ME. In fact, I hope Eggs GETS DEAD. FUCK YOU, EGGS. Anyway, Lafayette starts to get rowdy, telling Tara that Eggs is poison and that he’s never going to change, and Tara gets in between them, which is the wrong thing to do because when they start fighting, Eggs totally hits Tara right in the face to get to Lafayette. Oops, I GUESS YOU DO HURT WOMEN, FUCKER. Everybody in the place is watching and is like WOOOO GET IT, and finally Tara pushes Eggs out the door and leaves with him. All the customers are like WOO HOO LAFAYETTE, but Lafayette is like OMFG SHUT IT REDNECKS. Randomly, I think Lafayette would win a fight between the two of them.

Over at Maxine's House of Toaster Oven Lovin’, Maxine is ripping Hoyt a new one for running off to Dallas as she’s making him a hilarious sandwich, and Hoyt is looking at her like he’s going to stab her at any minute. The nub and gist of this scene is that Maxine thinks Hoyt is a different person since he met Jessica, and Maxine wants her SWEET BAYBEE OMG back. Also, Maxine hates Methodists, Catholic priests and nuns, African Americans (“Hush! That‘s a secret!”), people who don’t take care of their gardens, people who park their trucks up on their lawns, ladies who wear red shoes (“It looks cheap!”), families with lots of kids, checkered curtains, cats, dogs, bait(?), and every girl Hoyt has ever liked. AHAHAH, oh, Maxine. She then says that she “simply objects to a girlfriend who will kill you and eat you,” and I suppose she has a valid point there. Hoyt has had enough of this shit, and he tells Hoyt that he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, and if she’s not nice, he will leave OMG! FOREVER OMG! He finally screams that he’s NOT A BABY OMG! HE’S A GROWN ASS MAN! And then he contradicts that by taking half of the sandwich that she made him and leaving. AHAHA. Oh, Show. I love you.

Back at Hotel SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE Dreams, Sookie is back in bed with Bill, but when she rolls over, the screen goes all gauzy, and OMFG THANKS BE. She’s in bed with ERIC…NAKED NAKED VIKING ERIC. She rolls back over to look at him, and he tells her to finish telling him why she thinks she won’t be a good vampire. Sookie's boob says it’s because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, and Eric goes HA HA with this big dorky grin, and his hair looks REALLY weird not all slicked back. But HE IS NAKED, though really we can’t see much. The two of them are all schmoopy and wonderful, and I bet everybody just LOVES it, yet they give Bill shit when he and Sookie are that way.

NAKED NAKED VIKING. Stay on track here. They have their hands all twined together, and Eric randomly kisses Sookie’s hand, and to me that, is HAWT, more HAWT than nakedness. It’s just such a personal, intimate gesture, and OMFG I WILL DIE WHEN THIS IS REALITY. Eric’s voice sounds nothing like his normal voice, and he’s talking all sweet and sugary, and it’s wonderful, but it’s NOT ERIC, guys. NOT HIM. This is some weird dream version of him. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is Eric in his private time when he doesn’t have to be big and bad and awesome. I’m not sure. Anyway, he tells Sookie she has the right temperament to be a vampire because she’s blood-thirsty and ruthless when it comes to those she loves. “Everybody thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” he says, and Sookie answers cutely, “I am a darling.” Eric says she’d do anything for the people she loves like her brother, her friends…”…and me.” But then some disembodied voice that sounds VERY familiar says, “Bill?”

Sookie sits up and is like AHAH BILL? WHERE’S BILL? And that voice belongs to LORENA. GAH! How could they ruin a sexy dream with LORENA? Anyway, Lorena says that Sookie has already abandoned Bill, and Eric is all molesting her neck and such, but when Sookie says NUH HUH I LOVE BILL, Eric gets all grabby and pulls her down hard and tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor. (WHUT? Have you seen her clothes!?!) Sookie says she used to think that Eric was made of cold, hard stone and empty inside. But then she says she knows he’s A BIG FAKER and that he’s wonderful and there‘s love in him, and he says ONLY FOR SOOKIE OMG and then they dissolve into intense kissing. Lorena is like OMG WHORE, and Sookie tries to say that she loves Bill, but Eric is like NOM NOM NOM, and pushes her down all rough, says “This is the beginning.“ PHWOAR. But I have to say…the kissing is a bit awkward and weird. Very tonguey and slobbery, and Eric is VERY INTENSE when he kisses. And Sookie’s boob keeps poking out like I AM HERE. YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME.

Then Sookie wakes up, and we all scream. Sookie, for her cheating dream having part, snuggles up to Bill. AHAHAHA, Sook. You poor thing.

Back at Mayberry R.F.D., there are MORE town crazies waiting to go into cells, but Maryann walks in and they are all like YAY SHE WILL SAVE US! Maryann is like PFFT and just says that they had a good time because she’s on a mission to find Bud. She does, and Bud is pushing another girl in the cell when he hears Maryann calling for him. Sam hears her too, and he goes O.O and starts looking for a way out. The natives next door are going crazy, and that’s when Sam sees a fly buzzing around and gets a bright idea.

Bud tells Maryann that everybody has gone crazy, but nobody can remember what they did! It’s very strange! HOLY CRIME WAVE Maryann says, and she wants to help Sam get out of jail. Bud is like NOPE, but I’ll take you to see him. Bud is like ZOMG I AM SO TIRED. So, of course, as normal people do, Maryann jumps up to give him a backrub. WHAT? But then the backrub turns into the hippy hippy shake, and Bud has the Black Eyes! NO! Everybody in the cells starts going crazy when Maryann walks in, and she’s like WHERE IS SAM, BITCHES? But Sam is not here! We just see his clothes, and Maryann is like OMG I KEEL. Then she lets all the prisoners out! Oh, Bon Temps, you are in TRUBS.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is having the Dinner of Awkward with Hoyt and Jessica, and Jessica is trying very, very hard to get along with her, but Maxine is being HORRIBLE. Jessica also makes the terrible mistake of mentioning red shoes, and then it is all downhill from there. Maxine says she would like to meet Jessica’s family, and Jessica is like ZOMG I AM AN ORPHAN, and she and Hoyt get all schmoopy, and Maxine is :X like me. She does say that she’s sorry how Jessica became a vampire, but she throws in that Hoyt is a good boy with a bright future, and by bright, she means IN THE SUN, BITCH. She keeps on going about how she won’t let her son wander around all night in the dark for some orphan vampire, and then Jessica has had enough. She pops a fang, and IT IS ON! Jessica says it’s for HOYT TO DECIDE OMG, and Maxine says OMG LIFE RUINER. Jessica yells that she can give him everything a human girl can, and before Maxine even says it, I know what is coming. “HARDLY!” “LIKE WHAT?” “LIKE BABIES!”

Maxine FTW. Jessica is DEVASTATED because I guess she didn’t think of that, and neither did Hoyt obviously, but Hoyt might just look more upset because Jessica is upset. Jessica decides to flee the scene, and Hoyt is like OMG MOM, and he says he’s NEVER coming home. Maxine decides it’s time for a beer. For a LOT of beers.

Back at Casa de ThisAin’tGonnaBeGoodhouse, Tara, Eggs, and Maryann are playing poker, and of course, they’re drinking, and OH LOOK, there’s a very inconspicuous fly on the table! In walk Lafayette and Lettie Mae, and Tara immediately goes on the offensive and calls them aliens? What? Anyway, Maryann is like HEY BABY BABY to Lafayette, but Lafayette is not there to play around. They are there to get Tara, but Maryann won’t go down so easily. She starts trying to tempt Lettie Mae into drinking, but Lettie Mae stands firm, and for once, I really like her. Lafayette is like WTF TARA, and Tara just keeps drinking. Maryann keeps on with the talk trying to get Lettie Mae to fall of the wagon, but Lafayette steps in. Lafayette is like o.O and says he is “feelin’ her” and that she’s a soulless bitch! WOOT! He also throws in that Eggs is crap, and it is time to GO, but Tara…oh, Tara has the Black Eyes! OH NOES!

She gets up and advances on Lettie Mae, and it’s about to get REAL IN HERRE, SUCKA. Lafayette and Lettie Mae both go WTF at her eyes, but there’s no time to figure it out because Tara starts beating up Lettie Mae, and Eggs joins in and starts beating up Lafayette. IT IS A BRAWL, YO! By the end, however, just as I suspected, Lafayette has PWNED Eggs, and he grabs Tara and runs out the door with her. Tara is screaming EGGGGGGSSS MARRRYYYANNNNNN, but nothing doing. Lafayette throws her in the car, and he and Lettie Mae drive away with her, leaving Maryann and Eggs looking like too saddos on a porch. Oh, and the Sam-Fly is there being a creeper and listening in.

Over in Hotel HBIC, Nan Flanagan has shown up, and she is PISSED. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m sensing she’s pretty old, and she is NOT HAPPY about what has happened in Dallas. Eric mentions that HI, Stan went to the FotS on his own, but as he’s talking, Sookie is looking at him all INTENSE, and he sort of looks back at her like WHOA CREEPER BACK OFF. Anyway, Nan says that it’s not her problem that they didn’t realize Stan was a psycho, it’s Godric problem. Eric gets all growly and tells her to STFU, and Nan says NO, YOU. And HE DOES. NAN FTW!

Nan finally gets it revealed that, HI, the FotS didn’t kidnap Godric. He admits he went there freely since he thought they would eventually get a vampire, and Eric goes O.O at this news. Nan goes WTF and Godric says WHY NOT? Nan cannot believe that Godric wanted to Meet the Sun, but Godric is like BELIEVE IT, YO, and Nan says YOU CRAZY, BITCH. And another piece of Eric’s heart breaks off. Nan also brings up Hugo, but Godric says NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG as Isabel shifts uncomfortably in the background. Godric says he’ll take responsibility, and Nan says YEP. Eric does not like this and says YOU COLD BITCH. (HEE!)

Nan does not care what Eric thinks, and she tells them all that it’s been a national vampire disaster, and NOBODY at the top has any sympathy for them. She flat fires Godric, and Godric AGREES, and another piece of Eric‘s heart dies. He says Isabel should take over, and THAT is how they are going to make up for Stan getting dead. SNEAKY. Anyway, Isabel is like GODRIC NO, but Eric is ENRAGED, and he actually shouts, “What are you saying? Sh-sh-she’s a bureaucrat! You don’t have to take shit from her!” WHOA. Stuttering and cussing? JEEZ, ERIC. CHILL. Nan is like SHUT IT VIKING OR I SHALL PWN YOU, TOO. Eric says that she doesn’t have the power to take his area away, and she says that she is on TV, so YEAH, SHE DOES.

Isabel jumps in and says that it’s her fault for not keeping a better hold on Stan, but Godric tells her to SHUT IT. He agrees to remove himself from all positions of authority, and now Eric looks like he’s definitely going to go put on some black eyeliner and make collages in his journal after the meeting is over. Sookie gets all ansty, and Bill is like STOP IT, but Sookie will not be denied. She tells Nan that Godric rescued her from Cro-Mitch, and Nan is like SO? But Sookie will not shut up, and she goes on to say that Godric saved humans and vampires both, and that it could have been much worse. Sookie says that she should be THANKING Godric. Nan goes OMFG FOR WHAT? HE SCREWED UP.

Eric has had enough of this, and he launches himself out of his chair, but Isabel intercepts him, and Godric just calmly says, “Eric,” and the SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE is stopped dead in his tracks. OOOH, GURRRL. Everybody settles down, and Nan wants to know every detail of the bombing, so Godric launches into the tale and calls Luke a ‘boy’. HEEE! OLD!

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is DRUNK, YO, and complaining about Hoyt, but there is bigger shit on the menu tonight, as Maryann walks in, accompanied by video music wind, and she’s like WHERE THE HELL IS SAM? THE GOD DEMANDS A SACRIFICE! Everybody gets the Black Eyes, and Arlene tells her he hasn’t been in all day, and Terry says he was planning on leaving town. Maryann is like FIND HIM!!! And she gets this crazy man voice, and OH NOES! Maxine gets the Black Eyes, too! EEPS!

Across town, we see the fly go up to a motel room door, and inside the room, Andy Bellefleur is drunk, again, and then there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and Sam is standing on the other side. Andy lets him in, and he doesn’t even ask why Sam is naked. I guess he’s decided to just go with it.

HBIC 4 LYFE Nan Flanagan is back in Room High Drama telling them what a fiasco the whole thing has been. Godric is looking at Nan, Eric is looking at Godric, Sookie is looking at Eric, and Bill is going WTF HOOR at Sookie. Nan tells Godric to come to her room to sign the papers, but Godric has some stuff to say first. OF COURSE HE DOES. He says he’s sorry for fucking everyone’s shit up, for all the dead people, and he will make amends. Sookie looks at Eric, and Eric looks like this O.O and some dramatic, mournful violins start up in the background. Nan is like WHATEVS and tells him it’s just a few signatures, but it’s obviously not. She leaves, and Eric jumps up and gets Godric’s face and says NO, and they are so close that I think their foreheads touched.

No? No what? Godric says “Look in my heart.” Eric is like LISTEN TO ME, and Godric says STFU. He says he’s going to the roof, and Eric is like TRAUMA FACE. Godric leaves, and Bill stands up, looking at Eric, and says “We have a score to settle.” And SHOO BOY does he look scary. Eric is all TRAUMA FACE NOT NOW, and Bill says UM, YEAH NOW, and he hauls off and punches the holy hell out of Eric, hard enough to make him spit blood. And Eric goes TRAUMA FACE some more, and Bill says GET IT, FUCKER? Eric just sort of goes PFFT, WHATEVS. He says it’s done, and that he’s part of her now (PHWOAR), so Bill needs to get over it and get out of his way. Bill does, of course, and Sookie just sort of stands there awkwardly IN A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE A PICNIC BLANKET.

I have to tell you. I’m totally in love with Bill at this point. I LOVE that he didn’t just sit there and take it like a wuss. He “spoke” his feelings to Eric, with no regard for Eric’s personal trauma at that moment, just the same way that Eric has NEVER had any regard for Bill’s feelings. Bill has been a bit of a victim. Eric has SHAMELESSLY abused his power and position to get what he wants, never mind that it constantly breaks Bill’s heart. YOU GO, BILL. YOU GO.

Anyway, Sookie says she’s going to go find Godric, and Bill is like OMG WHY. He’s not her concern, but she says that if it wasn’t for him, she’d be dead, and she has to do SOMEthing because Godric is in pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH, Sookie is so kind and sweet. We get it. Bill finally relents, and though he wants to go, Sookie says that he can’t because the sun is coming up. Sookie says that she’s safe, not to worry, and Bill comments on how tender-hearted Sookie is. And she is, guys. That’s one of the things that makes her great. Bill asks her what she can do for him, and Sookie says she doesn’t know, but that she just has to be there. Bill understands, kisses her, and sends her on her way.

On the roof of Hotel Self-Immolation, Sookie runs up the steps just in time to interrupt a male-bonding session. She really just should have waited for them to hug it out.

I’m going to stop right here and say that if I attempt to make the last scene of the episode funny in any way, I think people are going to track me down and immolate me. So, I’m not going to. I’m going to take the high road and just let everyone wallow in their grief and misery, and…

AHAHAHAH, RIGHT. NOT A CHANCE.

Anyway, Sookie runs up the steps just as Godric is telling Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric is like OMG I DON’T ACCEPT IT in this really awful cry-voice. He says it’s insanity, and Godric is like DUDE WE ARE VAMPIRES. WE ARE INSANITY. But really, Eric is right. How does killing yourself make amends for some fucktard coming in and blowing up your house? Does this make sense? NO. Which is a big fat plot hole. HELLO, in the books, Godfrey WANTED to kill himself, so after the big ruckus, he did. This LAME attempt at saying that Godric killing himself is a way to make amends for the chaos and dead people is RIDICULOUS. He’s SACRIFICING HIMSELF for the SINS OF OTHERS.

REALLY, ALAN BALL? REALLY? SHALL WE BUILD HIM A CROSS TO LEAN AGAINST WHILE HE DOES THIS? IS THIS THE HOTEL CALVARY? REALLY?

UGH.

Anyway, Eric is FREAKING OUT, screaming at Godric and then telling him that he will keep him alive BY FORCE. Godric sort of goes YEAH RIGHT, but then he says something that really sort of got me. He says, “Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?” And apparently, it gets Eric too because he starts with the lip trembling and the CRYING and he goes back to Swedish and is all PLEASE NO PLEASE. Godric tells him they’ve had centuries of faith and love between them, and Eric loses his shit big time. He starts crying and whining and blubbering, and I am sitting here going ARE YOU SERIOUS? He falls to his knees and is SOBBING HYSTERICALLY, and we see a shot of Sookie, and she just shakes her head. I AM WITH YOU, SOOKIE. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

Eric keeps on flipping out, and then…THEN…even my cold, dead heart melts a little because Godric says something that he said to Eric when he made him a vampire. The ETERNALLY AWESOME BELOVED BY FANDOM PHRASE:

“Father, brother, son. Lover“

INSTANT DEATH.

Back now, and Eric STILL sobs, but then Godric says “Let me go,” and then the stupid red tears start streaking down Eric’s face, and he STOPS blubbering for a moment to say, “I won’t you let you die alone.” I actually went WHAT at my TV, but Godric saved me, and he says, “Yes, you will.” Which starts ANOTHER crying jag from Eric, and honestly, people, how are we supposed to accept this? One tear, I will buy that. BUT THIS? NEVER. NEV-ER. Eric is a BITCH ASS. YOU HEAR ME? A BITCH ASS.

Godric has apparently had enough of this, too, and he puts his hand on the back of Eric’s neck, and that is obviously enough to calm him because Eric stops crying long enough to look up at him, and Godric delivers the ultimate vampire smack down: AS YOUR MAKER, I COMMAND YOU.

So, now Eric has no choice, and he stands up, and the sun is coming up a little, so he looks terribly pretty, and he starts to walk away, casting a look back at Godric. Sookie grabs Eric’s hand and tells him that she’ll stay with Godric, and Eric slinks away looking creepily like Jim Carrey. Godric tells Sookie that it won’t take long because he’s so old, and Sookie tells him that he was a dumbass for going to the FotS, and Godric is like YEAH, I KNOW. Then they have some talk about God that I am not going to talk about. SORRY, NO.

Godric eventually asks Sookie to care for Eric, and Sookie is like WHUT? HAVE YOU MET HIM? Godric sort of laughs and says that the way Eric is happens to be his fault, but Sookie says NO, HE’S JUST HIM. She asks him if he’s afraid, and he Godric starts to smoke and says, “I’m full of joy.” GUH. KILLER. MAN. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I mean, it’s HORRIBLE and SAD, but he’s smoking the whole time. This is unintentionally funny for a moment, and then Godric says that a human being with him at the end and crying is surprising. Sookie just cries her guts out, like A LOT. I’m talking tears flopping off her face all over the place.

The sun comes up, and he sort of motions for her to get away, and he takes off his shirt to reveal his awesome sexiness…just in time to strike a half-Jesus pose, and yes, burn up. But instead of the burning up we saw in season 1 when Bill did it--which was like flaking and ashes and such--Godric gets a little spark AND THEN HE IS COVERED WITH BLUE FLAMES.

BLUE. FLAMES.

WORST CGI FAIL IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.

Don’t try to tell me they’re blue because it’s so hot. THAT IS NOT WHY THEY ARE BLUE. And Godric is all flamey around his face, and he sort of goes SIGH and then POOF, he is gone.

Credits.

WHUT?



Post Episode Reaction:

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Here's the vlog from this week!

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Timebomb" aka GODric is Good

True Blood Season 2: “Timebomb” aka GODric is Good.

Previously on True Blood…

Sam almost got killed by Maryann and the Black-Eyed Crazies, but Andy interrupted, and Sam got away! YAY! Hugo was the traitor, and that made Reverend Douche Newlin cry because he realized that Jason is Sookie’s brother! Sookie mind messaged Barry to get help, and Cro-Mitch had orders to kill Jason from Reverend Douche. Daphne told Sam what Maryann is…sorta, and Hoyt and Jessica are both adorable virgins! Reverend Douche tells Douche Wife about Jason, and she is a woman scorned and shoots him! Maryann made Eggs Daphne, and she smiled while he did it! Lorena is about to stake Bill, but Barry shows up with Sookie’s message. Eric hears it from across the hall, and vampires off to save Godric…oh, yeah, and Sookie, too, I guess. But for his trouble, Barry gets yanked into the hotel room! Cro-Mitch beats up Hugo then tries to rape Sookie, but Sookie is saved by Godric!


We pick up exactly where we left off, with Cro-Mitch struggling and Godric holding him by the neck. Cro-Mitch is all OMG DUDE, and Godric says OH SNAP to Cro-Mitch’s neck. Total PWNAGE after five seconds. Awesome. Godric tells Sookie she shouldn’t have come, and then they both hear a swooshing noise, which I guess is suddenly how you tell if a vampire is coming. I’m not sure about that because they’re usually so quiet, but maybe the vampire is running so fast that it’s loud. ANYWAY. They hear the noise, and Sookie stands up all OMG BILL YAY, but Godric smiles in complete ecstasy and says SORRY NO. Then he opens his eyes and says I AM HERE MY CHILD, and Eric vampires in the door, and is like this X_____X. He zombie walks over to Godric and sinks down to his knees and is all MASTER. Sookie looks moderately uncomfortable at this turn of events over in the corner.

Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans after him, and you can hear Eric’s heart breaking a little because of it, and Eric says he had no other choice and that the savages in the FotS are trying to destroy him. Godric says BITCH PLZ I KNOW and throws in that Hugo is the traitor. This is when Sookie remembers she is in the room, and she says that he was with the FotS and that they set a trap, but Eric does not care, YO. He asks Godric how long it’s been since he fed, and Godric tells him he doesn’t need much blood anymore, and that’s when the alarms start going off in the building. Godric tells Eric to save Sookie, but Eric says OMG NO that he is not leaving him. Godric says he can take care of himself, and he tells Eric to spill no blood on his way out. Eric bows his head, and then he shoves Sookie in front of him as they leave, and Godric looks ready to kick some ASS!

Credits. OMG OMG OMG. Fangirling is eminent.

Meanwhile, on the back roads of Woman Scorned Forest, Jason is blinking from his spot on the ground, and he realizes he’s not dead! YAY! He says Jesus saved him, and Douche Wife goes OMG STUPID because it was a paintball gun, as we all knew. Jason finally says what we have all been thinking--YOU CRAZY BITCH. Douche Wife goes on about how she let him into her house and her bed, well, her church balcony, and into her heart OMG! She violated everything she believes in to be with Jason, and that makes him worse than Judas, to which Jason responds “Why? What did he do to you?” Oh, Jason Stackhouse, you is a silly bitch. Douche Wife can finally take no more, and she goes FUCK YOU, and she shoots him in the man parts with her paintball gun. AHAHAHAHA! WIN! Douche Wife FTW. Jason howls and rolls around, and he apologizes, but I’m not sure that’s going to help.

Douche Wife says that Jason came to prey upon her and then ran like a coward, and Jason says UM, NO, that he ran from her husband and his “crazy weapon collection,” and really? Can you blame him? No. Jason thinks Douche Wife told him, but Douche Wife has only been told about him being Sookie’s brother, and then she blurts out that they have Sookie HA HA! This turns Jason into a crazy ass because any mention of Sookie makes him AWESOME, and Douche Wife says that the Stackhouses are nothing but lying, two-faced, vampire FUCKERS. (Hee.) Jason DOES NOT LIKE, and so he gets the gun from her, shoves her down, and steals her Gator of Righteous Indignation, telling her that if they’ve hurt Sookie, he’ll be back and NOT WITH NO PAINTBALL GUN! He speeds away, and Douche Wife tries to straighten herself up, but she has a long walk of shame back to Cult Camp in some mighty tall heels.

Back in the Church of Immortal BAMFs, everyone is running for their lives in a calm and orderly fashion, with Reverend Douche on the intercom telling them instructions, and I swear to you at once point it sounds like it says “…will provide you with skanks and silver.” BWUAHA. Eric and Sookie come up from the basement, and Eric is trying to find a way out, saying that he could have her out in seconds, but Sookie says OMG NO THE KIDS because there are a lot of innocent people running around. Sookie asks why he didn’t bring Bill, and Eric says that Bill’s insane devotion to her is boring annoying distracting, and that he would kill all the kids to save her. Sookie says WHY AREN’T YOU, as though he CARES about her or something, and Eric goes BITCH PLZ, and he’s following Godric’s orders. Sookie looks at him all AWWWW, and asks if Godric is his maker, to which Eric responds “Don’t use words you don’t understand.” Sookie then says “You have a lot of love for him,” to which Eric responds, “Don’t use words I don’t understand.”

And every fangirl’s heart EXPLODES.

Eric goes back to looking for a way out, just as the crazies are locking the front door, and he goes to do something, but Sookie goes ERIC, NO. Eric looks at her, then leans in SUPER CLOSE OMG and says, TRUST ME. (HEEEEE!) And then what is easily in the top five best moments of this show, Eric shows Sookie that he has a plan.

That plan is to pretend to be an FotSer by adopting the most HILARIOUS accent, and looking instantly like THE BIGGEST NERD EVER. Nerd!Skars in born, and it’s really a tribute to the kind of actor Askars is because EVERYTHING about him changes in that second. His voice, the set of his shoulders, his walk--it’s AMAZING. He walks over to the crazies and says, “Hey, ya’ll, how’s it goin’?”

AND THEN I DIED. END OF RECAP. THANK YOU FOR READING.

Eric tells the crazies that Steve sent him to watch the door, and the crazies look suspicious, and Eric looks strangely like Jim Carrey. O.o. But Nerd!Skars lays it on thick, grinning, and saying DANG, and the guys start to believe him, until they realize he doesn’t have a stake! He asks if he can borrow one of theirs, and when the guy refuses, EVERY trace of Nerd!Skars in gone, and Eric is back, laying the hypnovamp on the guy to get his stake from him. This is when another of the crazies get wise to the fact that HI, VAMPIRE, and moves to stake Eric. Sookie screams STAKE, YO, STAKE! And then the badassery begins, as Eric beats every one of the crazies up, and looks like a SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE while doing it.

He gets the last of the crazies pinned up against the wall, a stake to his throat, and Sookie comes flailing out all NO ERIC OMG! Eric pauses for a moment, then throws the stake down like DAMMIT FINE and drops the guy. He peeks out the front door, but the Soldiers of the Sun are on their way in and HI NO, so they go through the sanctuary, which is littered with sleeping bags and such. What a happy place for a massacre! They get halfway across the room, and Sookie says there are all kinds of exits, but then Reverend Douche’s voice dramatically rises up and says YEAH…TO HELL.

The Soldiers of the Sun and all the members of the church come in, and I’m betting Eric is having flashbacks of angry mobs with pitchforks, and Sookie says OMG NO ONE HAS TO DIE, but Reverend Douche is like SHUT IT WHORE. He says that the vampires cast the first stone by killing his family and IT IS ON, YO. Sookie starts yapping again about how Godric is a sheriff and how he got away, and now there are probably vampires on the way, but Reverend Douche is like PFT WHO CARES. He says that any vampire will do, and LOOKEY HERE. Sookie looks at Eric like O.O, and Eric looks at her and says “I’ll be fine.”

WHEN DID THESE TWO BECOME BFFS? DID WE MISS IT?

Anyway, Eric walks up and looks at Reverend Douche, and Reverend Douche asks like the crazy fuck that he is and is all YESSSS. VICTORY.

Back in at Hotel Poor Barry, Lorena has yanked Barry into the room and says YAY ROOM SERVICE! Barry goes o.O and in the middle of it, Bill goes O.O as his Sookie Sense is tingling, and says “Sookie.” Lorena goes [>.<] and says Sookie is like an annoying alarm clock. Whatevs. She tells Bill she’ll give him first bite of Barry, and Bill says OMG NOT HUNGRY. Lorena just rolls her eyes and says he’s lame, and Barry goes OMG NO DIE PLEASE. But Lorena bites him, then stops and goes o.O because he tastes funny.

This is when Bill smashes her over the head WITH A FLATSCREEN TV. EPIC BILL. EPIC.

Bill beats her ass one more time with the TV, then he throws it down, grabs Barry, and is OUT, YO. Lorena lays a-bleeding on the floor as we cut to…OMG CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Hoessica are going at it, and I’m very VERY disturbed, but whatever. I will try to deal with it. They’re going at it, and Bill busts in and when he realizes what he’s seeing, he gets the CUTEST embarrassed face EVER. Jessica screams and is all ZOMG DAD, and Hoyt tells Bill that whatever he heard, they were screams of pleasure. Bill just goes *FACEPALM* and tells Hoyt that if he cares about Jessica that he will take her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises, and then he vampires out of the room again.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Lafayette is reading Tara’s tarot cards (he can do that now?) and, predictably, her future is full of bad shit. Eggs comes busting in all the sudden, and Lafayette realizes this is the time for him to make an exit. Eggs is all manic asking what time it is because OH NOES he blacked out again, and he thinks he might have done something bad. Then he cries. Really, Eggs? Tara is comforting, and they leave, and Eggs cries. CRIES. And Lafayette looks nervous.

Back at the Church of the Flaming Vampire, Jason comes riding up in the gator, and tells the guys guarding the door that it’s okay because he’s a cadet at the L.O.D.I., and he holds up his paintball gun like it’s real, and says HONESTY, YO, and the guard guy says DUDE and holds up his ring and they go WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE. Oh, Show. I love you. Jason heads up the church, and the guy tosses out that they have a vampire and a fangbanger chick, and that’s when Guy realizes it’s just a paintball gun, and Jason hits him in the face with it and runs away. WORD, JASON. WORD.

Now we’re creeping up on somebody sleeping in a car, and it turns out it’s Sam. He wakes up just as his phone starts ringing, and it says MURDERED GIRL IN YOUR FREEZER CALLING, and when he answers THERE’S NOBODY THERE except creepy breathing! He goes back to Shithole Bar and Grill and finds Daphne in his freezer sans heart. And the best part? He’s not even sad. He’s upset because they’re going to think he’s a murderer again. He starts to put Daphne in garbage bags(?) but then reconsiders and starts to call the police. But guess what? THE POLICE ARE ALREADY THERE. OOOOH.

Over at Casa de MaryannSucksHouse, Maryann is making some vegetables in a pan, and then she prepares the secret ingredient. DAPHNE’S HEART. This scene is really just too gross for words, so we’ll skip it. She makes Heart Stirfry, and she looks like a crazy whorebitch while she does it.

Back at Our Lady of Crucified Vikings, they’ve got Eric on their goofy throne thing, and he’s being held down by silver chains that are burning him up, and Reverend Douche says, “Just as Our Lord, Our Savior was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!” To which Sookie, who is being forcibly restrained, says, “That doesn’t make any sense!” Which, it doesn’t. ANYWAY. Eric gets all dramatic and says all breathy-like that he’s “offering himself in exchange for Godric…and oh, yeah, Sookie, too, I guess.” But Reverend Douche is having none of that and says THANKS BUT NO because she is a WHOREY WHORE and maybe they should tie her to Eric so she can meet the sun, too!

This is when there are screams and zooming from outside, and Bill comes running in and screams SOOOKIIIIEEEEE, and Sookie goes HEE! Bill vampires up, but Reverend Douche has a REAL gun, and he points it at Sookie, which stops Bill dead. (HA pun!) Bill responds by saying that if he shoots her, everybody will DIE, YO. Reverend Douche goes JEEZ and asks Sookie what they see in her, but as he orders the Soldiers of the Sun to get some chains for Bill, a voice screams NEWLIN and Reverend Douche gets shot in the hand…with a paintball rifle…by Jason who then shoots him again RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. Can I describe to you how much WIN this scene has become?

Bill takes that moment to vampire up and knock everybody down to rescue Sookie, but Sookie pulls away and runs up to take the chains off Eric. (OOOH, symbolic of how she saved Bill the same way and Bill was in LURVE.) Bill is like SOOKIE WTF, and as Eric gets up, he looks like the crazy psycho he is, and he grabs Reverend Douche and is all fangy staring down at him like I KEEL YOU. Sookie is screaming NO ERIC, and Jason is screaming DO IT, and Reverend Douche is like BRING IT FOOLS. WE ARE READY TO DIE. But I have to tell you, nobody else in that place looks ready to die.

TOO BAD because Team Vampire has showed up, and they are lead by Stan who is all WHAT UP, PARTNER, LET’S DO THIS THANG. Everybody is starting to get very nervous, and Stan tosses out that HI, YEAH, they did kill the first Reverend Douche, and Bill goes [>.<] and Sookie goes OMG NO, though she already knew this. Reverend Douche goes OMG MURDERER, and Stan goes DUH, and says KILL THESE FOOLS, and all of Team Vampire gets out their fangs, and every one of them grabs an FotSer. Stan grabs the Lukeanator, and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t going EAT HIM because you SO WERE. Anyway, they all grab their church-goer and prepare to eat, and then…

Then Godric’s dulcet tones ring from on high (LITERALLY) and I’m pretty sure that Godric is wearing a track suit, so now we know where Eric gets his fashion sense. Everybody stops and looks up at Godric, and Godric says LET THERE BE PEACE, and there was, and it was good. Godric says that there’s no reason for killing, and he asks Reverend Douche if he will be peaceful, and Reverend Douche says HELLS NO, and that he doesn’t negotiate with sub-humans. Then he yanks down his tie and gets on his knees in front of Eric and is all DO IT, JESUS WILL SAVE ME. This is when Godric says that he’s older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have met him.

AND I DIE AGAIN. THANKS FOR COMING FOLKS.

Godric then vampires down faster than any we’ve seen yet, and he grabs Reverend Douche and asks the people if any of them are willing to die for their crazy crazy preacher. Of course, none of them are, and Godric tells Team Vampire to stand down, and tells the people to GTFO, and they make tracks LIK WO. Sookie snuggles up against Bill, and Stan looks very depressed he didn’t get to eat anyone, and then, randomly, the Lukeanator looks like HE would have died for Reverend Douche if Godric had given him a second to answer. Reverend Douche is going OMG DON’T LEAVE ME, but everybody does. ;_; Godric is like HA HA, REV, and tells everyone LET’S GO. Stan steps up and says WTF? And Godric says I SAID LET’S GO, and Stan reluctantly obeys.

Then we flash over to where Bill and Sookie are standing, and Eric, who was just nearly fried by the sun and was made all mushy by silver, looks at Sookie and says, “Are you sure you’re okay?” just as sweet as can be. Bill goes WTF I KEEL YOU at Eric and tells him to go with his maker, and WTF, BILL? Who are you to order your sheriff to do anything? But whatevs, Eric goes, and Jason runs over to hug Sookie and apologizes to her for being a brainwashed fucktard. He says that Reverend Douche sucked out his brain and planted a bunch of babies in there. Reverend Douche goes OMG SHUT IT and tells them that they’ll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.

To which our little Jason Stackhouse responds that he’s already been to heaven and IT’S INSIDE YOUR WIFE, and then he punches Reverend Douche RIGHT THE FUCK OUT, and he is only stopped by Bill. As they’re leaving he throws his ring at Reverend Douche and calls him a ‘white suit-wearing motherfucker.’ Reverend Douche just sits down and cries as they leave.

Who loves Jason right now? Show of hands?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sheriff Bud and Kenya are interrogating Sam, and apparently, it was an anonymous tip that sent them out there before Sam could even call. Sam is like DUH FRAME JOB, and Kenya brings up that he and Daphne were supposedly dating. Sam says they broke up (ooh), and Kenya says that this is the second time in two weeks a woman has been found at the bar with no heart (ouch), AND it’s the third waitress of his that has been murdered (not looking good). Sam mentions that it was RENE OMG who killed the other ones, and he says YOU KNOW ME. But Andy says, yeah, not so much because Sam’s past is mysterious.

This is when Andy walks in, and he hasn’t changed clothes from the day before, and he tells Bud OMG it is NOT Sam, and that he saw the orgy, and it was the BULL WITH THE CLAWS IN THE DRESS WITH CLAWS. Bud and Kenya just go OMG. WTF. Andy has been so great. SO GREAT. Andy is like SAM BACK ME UP, and Sam is like HI, NO. And Andy goes AWWW, SHIT.

Back at Casa de Blackout, Tara tells Eggs that they aren’t the only ones who are blacking out, and Eggs says that think she did something really bad, which OF COURSE is when Maryann shows up and says HI HEY WHAT’S UP. Eggs says that he’s trying to piece everything together, and Maryann says that maybe Eggs has been enjoying himself too much, and suggests they let up on the partying. LIKE IT’S HIS FAULT. Then she says HAAAAAAAAAAAAAY SNACKS READY. WTF? What is this bitch on?

Tara and Eggs go into the dining room, and Maryann brings out this souffle, and all of us starting going “No…they woudn’t…no, no way!” BUT YES WAY. YES FUCKING WAY, and Maryann calls it Hunter Souflee, and when Tara cuts into it, IT IS BLOODY, and BLOOD COMES OUT of the BLOOD PASTRY and they act like they don’t even notice! LIKE IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. Then they start eating it, and it is SO GOOD, and they start feeding each other, and then my food weirdness kicks in, and I have to stop watching. But they are like STUFFING their faces and laughing, and saying MMMMM.

Party at Godric’s crib, and the joint is rockin’ and full of vampires. Godric is sitting in his chair from Ikea, and everybody is coming up to say welcome back or something, and Stan walks up and says that everybody is very relieved he is home, but Godric doesn’t look so convinced. Next in line is…Jason? WTF? Jason says he’s sorry for what the FotS did, and as he starts to leave, Godric says that he helped save a lot of lives, and that he will always have friends in Dallas when he visits. Jason says he probably won’t be visiting any time soon KTHNXBAI.

Jason starts to wander off, but as he comes around the corner, he runs smack into Eric. Eric says that while Jason is a hero in Dallas, back home, he buys and uses V. Jason goes EEP and tries to say that he doesn’t do it anymore, but Eric tells him that they’re even since he helped save Godric. Eric tells him DON’T DO THAT NO MORE, and Jason says okay, then Eric says, “Good boy. Run along.” And Jason does, and Eric grins like a loon. HEEEEEE.

We finally see Sookie, and she’s dressed in some weird coat dress thing that the vampires gave her, but WHOA, she might have been better off in the Kidnap Dress. As soon as they’re alone, Sookie is like WTF BILL. She asks him what the hell took him so long to find her, and why is he avoiding her? Bill tries to brush it all off, but Sookie is having none of that, and wouldn’t you know? Somewhere under that hideous dress thing, Sookie has found her Woman Empowerment Cape.

Oh, Sookie. Welcome back. We have missed you.

She grills Bill about why he didn’t come running for her, and Bill says he was “held” and immediately Sookie assumes it was Eric. As soon as she says it, we hear this “Hmmmmmm…” and Eric saunters over and says “I heard my name.” And his ARMS and, like, THERE and BIG and LOVELY, and he says he hopes Sookie was speaking well of him. Apparently, Sookie forgets that they were just BFF and gets all grouchy about how he let her walk into a trap. Eric says he’s that he regrets that and pretends like he didn’t know it was a possibility, but Sookie calls him out on that shit and says OMG YOU DID KNOW and that because it was Godric, he didn’t care. Eric pretty much agrees with that and says that the bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than she can imagine, but PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT.

DEAD. AGAIN. SO DEAD.

Bill does not like this talk, and he goes I KEEL YOU at Eric. There’s a whole lot of eye-moving. Bill looks at Eric, and Eric looks at Sookie, and Sookie looks at Bill and then at Eric, and Eric looks at Bill and then Sookie, and it’s just a LOOKAPALOOZA.

Over in Bon Temps, Hoessica is back at Bill’s, and they’re making some more child porn, but as they start getting busy again, Jessica starts to say OW OW OW, and that’s when they realize…and yes, this is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE…that because Jessica is a vampire…her V-Card grows back. It will grow back EVERY TIME she has sex. AHAHAHAHAHA. How freaking tragic is that?

Back at Godric’s House of Male Superiority, Bill corners Eric and grabs him by the arm. Eric goes UM, WHUT, and tells Bill “I don’t like being touched.” Bill answers “Oh, believe me, I don’t like touching you.” LIAR LIAR FANGS ON FIRE. Bill tells Eric that him and Sookie’s BFFness is OVER. Eric says BITCH PLZ. Bill tells him that calling in Lorena because he couldn’t land Sookie himself is LAME and RIDICULOUS, even for him. Eric just grins, and is all AHAHA ARE YOU PICKING A FIGHT? Like it’s the CUTEST thing he’s ever heard, and adds, “I’d like to see you try.”

SO WOULD WE ALL.

Bill hisses that Sookie will NEVER be Eric’s AHAHAHAHAH, and there is NOTHING he can do so he should just GET OVER IT, YO. Just then, Isabel comes in, dragging Hugo with her, and everybody goes OOH, GIRL because she is SO going to be in trouble for letting a traitor in. She brings Hugo and throws him on the floor in front of Godric. She’s been crying, and it’s actually really sad because she totally loves him. Godric knows this, and since he is a kind and merciful Lord, Godric lets Hugo go, but he tells him to NEVER come back. Stan doesn’t like this development, but really, there’s nothing he can do. He beckons Eric to escort Hugo and Isabel out, and Eric is like YES, GODRIC.

Sookie notices Bill is trying to do a runner after the show is over, and she corners him and asks him why he would be talking to Eric if he kidnapped him. For a minute, we think that Bill is going to lie, but he doesn’t have the chance. Jason shows up and asks to talk to Bill. It’s like Sookie’s HEAD is going to explode at this point, but Bill says OKAY LET’S GO, and he and Jason head out back to talk.

Over at Not the Killer State Penitentiary, Bud is leading a hand-cuffed Sam into a jail cell, for his “protection,” and we see that some of our Black-Eyed Crazies are also locked up, most notably Creepy Mike Spencer who is in jail for sodomizing a pine tree. W.T.F. Sam is incredulous because really WTF?

Out back of Godric’s House of Awkward Male Bonding, Jason asks Bill to forgive him for being a close-minded bigoted moron. Bill says thank you and tells Jason that he’s thankful that Jason helped rescue Sookie, and Jason says it was the least he could do and that he’s sorry it took so long for him to wake up. And then…you know it’s coming…you can see it in Jason’s eyes…you know what he’s going to do…AND THEN HE DOES IT. He HUGS Bill. Awkward Man Hug FTW! When he pulls back, he asks Bill if that was okay for him, and Bill says “It was fine.” HEEEEEEEEEE!

Inside the house, Isabel and Eric are back, and Eric dismisses some skank from talking to Godric with just the nod of his head and goes down to sit beside Godric like the drooling fan boy that he is. Hugo has been dispatched, and Eric has arranged for an AB Negative human for Godric. Godric says THANKS NO HUNGRY, and Eric acts like his mom and says YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. This is too hilarious for words. Godric tells him that the FotS didn’t treat him badly and that they’re just ordinary people. Eric is quietly outraged by this because they are making everybody hate vampires, and Godric is like HELLO? WE ARE SCARY. He says it’s the fault too because after thousands of years, they haven’t evolved either, they’ve only gotten worse. Godric is a human-loving vampire, obviously, but in a way that indicates how old and wise he is. Eric says that is why he didn’t fight when the came to take him, and Godric says that he could have PWNED those fools, but what would it have proven? Eric just sort of stares at him like DUDE, YOU ARE DEEP.

Back at OMFG GROSS WTF, Tara and Eggs ate the whole disgusting snack Maryann made for them, and Tara is like ZOMG I AM SO FAT, and then something strange happens. Eggs is like OMG I AM ALIVE. Then they start to argue in a AHAHAHA way. Then…they start hitting each other. Then they start REALLY hitting each other. By the end, they’re kicking each other’s asses, and then laying on the floor for SEXY SEXY, and Maryann is watching with glee, and I am COMPETELY and TOTALLY disturbed.

Back at Godric’s House of Foreshadowing, we see somebody pull up in front of the place, and then he starts creepy creeping up to the house all slow like, but WHO IS IT? Inside, trouble has just walked through another door, and that trouble’s name is Lorena, and she looks more FUG than ever. Her hair is a mess, and her dress is ORANGE, and I can’t stop laughing because OMG YOU PSYCHO. She makes a beeline for Sookie, and in her weird squinty way, she’s like O HAI. Sookie is just as bright and cheerful as ever as she introduces herself, and honestly, I don’t know how Lorena can see her out of those SQUINTY eyes. Lorena starts the bitchfight off by calling Sookie a morsel, and Sookie goes SCUSE? Lorena says they have a friend in common, and she can’t believe that bill hasn’t mentioned here because HI, MAKER. That is when Bill comes rushing in and is like LORENA WTF?

Bill is like I CAN EXPLAIN, and Lorena says EXPLAIN THE LAST TWO NIGHTS, which really sound worse than it is, and Sookie goes WTF. Lorena mentions that Bill hit her with a television, and Sookie acts like that is the best thing she’s ever heard. Lorena does give us one moment of lulz by saying she hopes that Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” because there is no excuse for domestic violence. AHAHAHA. Bill loses his rag at this point and tells Sookie that Lorena was holding him hostage. Lorena is like WHAT? NO, and when she goes to touch Bill, Sookie steps up to the plate and knocks this shit out of the park.

Sookie says DO NOT TOUCH BITCH, and everyone is suddenly looking over at the catfight. Lorena goes AHAHA WHATEVER, HAPPY MEAL, and she tells Sookie that she can’t win. This is absolutely the WRONG thing to say to Sookie, and Sookie says AHAH I ALREADY DID. She says that Bill chose her, and still Lorena is a pathetic saddo who won’t give up. Bill intervenes because, yes, though this is WONDERFUL, Lorena could kill Sookie in a second. Lorena tells Sookie to listen and to RUN AWAY, LITTLE GIRL. Sookie is OUTRAGED, but Lorena walks around the table toward Bill and says that they are in love FOREVER AND EVER, and Bill says HI NO and tells Lorena to GTFO because she is CRAZY.

Sookie can take no more, and she flaps her Cape about and tells Lorena that while she might love Bill, Bill does NOT love her, and he never has, SO THERE. This is now too much for Lorena, who pops a fang and tells Sookie to TAKE IT BACK OMG. Bill tries to wrestle Sookie out the door, but NO ONE can contain Sookie when HER MAN IS ON LINE, and she says STFU FUCKING BITCH AND DIAF! Lorena throws Bill out of the way like he is a rag doll and grabs Sookie Jason is starting to run forward to save his sister, but there is no need, for a hand appears and pulls Lorena off Sookie oh so gently.

Godric, of course, and he tells Lorena to Retract. Her. Fangs. She does, and Godric says that he doesn’t know or care who she is, but in that area, and deffo in that house, he is the boss, GOT IT? And Eric is like RIGHT THERE beside Godric, as though Godric needs protecting, but it’s kind of cute. Lorena says she understands, and Godric lets her go and tells her that Sookie is the shit so WTF? Lorena says that Sookie provoked her, and Godric gets up in her face and says YOU PROVOKE ME BITCH. He says he could snap her like a twig, but he hasn’t. Why? And Lorena who is SHAKING with terror says because it’s his choice. And Godric says WORD, BITCH. He tells her that she’s had hundreds of years to better herself, but she hasn’t. She sucks, and she’s the reason people hate vampires, so she needs to GTFO. Godric tells Bill to escort her and to GTFO of his area before dawn.

Lorena takes the walk of shame with Bill, and she tries to make us feel sorry for her by saying she doesn’t know how it got that way, that she can’t help if she still loves him. Then she starts crying and shows that she is such a pathetic waste of fangs that I can’t even stand it. It’s RIDICULOUS. Lorena asks when they’ll see each other again, and Bill says NEVER, YO. Lorena is like PFF RIGHT.

Back inside the house, everyone has calmed down, and Jason is back to his old manwhore ways with some girl, and that creepy creeper from before starts walking slowly into the room, and IT’S THE LUKEANATOR. Jason sees him and goes WTF? Luke tells him to stay away and pushes him out, telling him go, then he raises his voice and says O HAI EVERYBODY FOTS IN THE HIZZY. He tells them that he has a message from Reverend Douche, and then he unzips his coat and HE IS WRAPPED IN SILVER CHAINS AND A BOMB!

AND HE PUSHES THE DETONATOR!

WHICH BLOWS US AWAY TO THE CREDITS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


BEST. EPISODE. EVER. See my vlog later today for deeper thoughts.

What did you think?