Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Nothing But the Blood"

Note: I'm suspending the season 1 recaps because HI, the new season has started, and who wants to read the old stuff when you have the new? I'll finish them later, but for now...SEASON 2!!

Note: You can also find me here at LJ.



True Blood Season 2: "Nothing But the Blood"

So, previously on “True Blood,” a lot of crazy shit happened. I mean, LIK WO.

We pick up right where we left off. Sam is walking out the back door of Shithole Bar and Grill carrying a big trash bag of money when he hears screaming!! OH NOES! He hides the money in his truck and runs to help! Sookie and Tara are losing their shit over this black leg and foot with polished toenails in the back of Andy’s car, and Andy, who is very drunk, is losing his shit over Sookie and Tara impeding his investigation. Really, they’re not impeding his investigation, but Andy is OUTRAGED that this is happening and very drunk, so, he thinks they are. There is a great moment when Tara is all freaking out and says, “Sam, we need an ambulance. Call the cops!” and Andy goes “WHAT? I AM the cops!” Greatness.

Tara starts to cry because she’s thinking what we’re all thinking--OH NOES! Lafayette! (Because it is so obviously Lafayette because he was so obviously killed in the second book which is the major plot point of said second book, and we have obviously seen that he polishes his toenails red. It is obviously Lafayette, obviously.) Andy starts to check for a pulse but then growls to forget it because there is no pulse. Sam says the most stupid thing ever--”What? Why?” BECAUSE IT’S A DEAD BODY, FOOL. *sigh* Oh, Sam, I love you. You’re pretty, but dumb. We get a close up and…it’s obviously not Lafayette. Unless Lafayette has suddenly grown the boobs of a 50 year old woman. Whoever this woman is, she has a hole in her chest where her heart should be and her face looks like this O.O and so does her mouth. WTF? WHO IS THIS BITCH? And Tara realizes when we do that it’s Lady Voodoo Hoodoo herself Miss Jeanette...well, Miss Heartless now.

And Tara screams her fool head off, and we scream YAY LAFAYETTE IS NOT DEAD! And then we scream WTF, ALAN BALL? WTF IS THIS TOMFOOLERY? But mostly YAY LAFAYETTE IS NOT DEAD!

Credits. Oh, True Blood. I missed you.

So, it’s business as usual in Bon Temps with an investigation going on over yet another dead body, and Sookie is having trouble blocking all the thoughts out of the various people at the scene. Tara blatantly lies to Kenya the Police Officer about not knowing the woman in the car, but she has an internal meltdown because she did cuss Miss Jeanette out and push her around in the pharmacy and that obviously means she ripped her heart out, since Tara is capable of this. Whatever. Coroner Mike Spencer is just as gross as usual, and Andy is complaining about people not taking him seriously, as usual. That’s when Sheriff Dearborn shows up and says GTFO U R OVERWORKED AND DRUNK. And Andy gets OUTRAGED and says OMG I AM NOT OVERWORKED. Hee.

Sookie and Sam have a little chat about how with all the people Rene killed, you could see his rage? WTF? Apparently, Sookie thinks whoever killed Miss Jeanette just wanted to see her suffer. Or just wanted to see her go like this O.O Whatever, Sook. Just go back to being blonde and curvy and STFU with your psychology bullshit. Tara comes over and says she’s ready to close up, and Sookie busts her out about knowing Miss Jeanette. Tara prepares to whip out her Black Woman Empowerment Cape, but she is too overwhelmed at the moment, and she tells Sookie and Sam about how Miss Heartless is the one who gave her the exorcism. Sookie comforts her like Tara has lost an old friend and then immediately tells her she has to tell the police. Yeah, whatever. Thanks, Mom. Tara is all worried about answering questions and how her mom is going to become a hilarious alcoholic again when she finds out.

Back at Bill’s House of OMG ANNOYING TEENAGERS, Bill is dealing with Jessica, the annoying teenager. Jessica talks like Julia Roberts in “Steel Magnolias” which is to say she talks with a HIDEOUS, ANNOYING, DEPLORABLE Southern accent. Is this accent real? Do people REALLY talk like this? Besides the fact that Jessica is v. annoying, this scene is very, very cute. Bill is adorable trying to explain to her the rules of the house which are as follows:

1. Bedtime is at 4 a.m. “and not a moment later.”
2. Hunting is COMPLETELY forbidden.
3. We also recycle in this house. Glass goes in the blue bucket and paper in the white container
4. Jessica may NOT have a cellphone.

In the middle of this lesson, Sookie calls and tells Bill she is going to be late, and his Must Save Sookie bone starts acting up, and he’s all OMG DO YOU NEED ME? And Sookie is very cute and says “I always need you.” SQUEE. Sam overhears his at the bar where he is cleaning up, and hatehatehates Bill SO SO much. So, Bill tells Jessica she has to go upstairs and take a shower because Sookie is coming over, and NO, JESSICA, YOU MAY NOT EAT HER. He tells her to go upstairs and wash off her make up because he will not have her looking like a slattern. Jessica is all WTF? And once again Bill shows that he will never, ever be able to mainstream because he uses outdated words and it so ADORABLE when he does it.

Now, we see Jason and he’s reading a book written by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and he has a revelation that vampires are from the devil. He also has a semi-sweet moment where he smells his sheets and remembers Amy, and you can tell he misses her SO much. It’s actually sort of cute.

Back at the sheriff’s department, Bud and Kenya are all -_- at Tara telling her about the exorcism Miss Heartless gave her and her mom. Kenya has now heard everything because, if you recall, she is the one Tara told the story to about the naked woman and her pig in the road. Miss Heartless’ name is Nancy, but Tara has no need for this. She knows Miss Heartless is Miss Voodoo Hoodoo, and there is nothing they can say that will change that! Andy, meanwhile, is trying to shift blame from himself because Miss Heartless was found in his car, but Tara fights back until Bud finally tells him to STFU, and in the middle of all of this Lettie Mae runs in and is all LORD IN HEAVEN, POOR MISS JEANETTE! Ha ha. I love her.

When Tara tells Lettie Mae that it is Miss Jeanette, Lettie Mae wigs out, and Tara tries to tell her the truth, but Lettie Mae is hearing NONE OF IT. It’s actually kind of sad because Lettie Mae is crying and upset. But she is still hilarious, so all is right in the world.

So, now we see some dripping water and some gross metal beams and just general nastiness, and we go WTF? Because really, WTF? There’s this big gear wheel type thing on the ceiling, and there are poles coming down from it and people chained to the poles. OH NOES, this is some kind of weird sex slave basement? What is this madness? And though he’s trying to hide his fabulousness, there is just no dimming the star of Lafayette, and we go YAY LAFAYETTE, but then we realize WHOA. He has a chain around his neck, and he hasn’t shaved in FOREVER, and he starts trying to drink the water dripping off the gross gear wheel thing, and we are so sad because look what has happened to our beautiful Lafayette! Suddenly, some guy starts going, “Bucket! Bucket!” And the people crawl and push their way around the circle so that the guy is by a bucket, and…oh. He takes a shit. Lovely. Suddenly, a door opens, and some guy comes down the stairs with another guy wearing a hood, and Lafayette and the others all cover their eyes and hide while New Guy is chained up.

Once we get a good look at him, we realize it’s AIDS Burger, the guy who gave Lafayette a hard time at Shithole Bar and Grill, and who Lafayette subsequently beat the shit out of in a fabulous manner. (Hi, AIDS Burger! See what homophobic bigoted idiots get in the True Blood universe? EAT IT.) AIDS Burger is all OMG WTF YOU? And we are all thinking the same thing. WTF? A.B. is all freaking out and screaming and asks Lafayette, WTF are you doing here? Lafayette says he wishes he knew, but I am smart, and I have figured it out. A.B. was one of the guys who killed Malcolm, Diane, Liam, and the coroner boy AND Lafayette was selling vampire blood. So, obviously, these people are being held captive for their crimes against vampires. OH NOES! A.B. asks Lafayette how long he’s been there, and Lafayette is very desperate when he says he has no idea. (Psst. It’s two weeks.)

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie is being comforted by Bill as she tells him about the horrible scene at Shithole Bar and Grill, and all the while, you can see that Bill is trying to tell Sookie something, presumably about the 17 year old girl upstairs taking a shower, but Sookie is all OMFG STFU KISS NOW, and just when they’re about to kiss, Jessica comes out IN A TOWEL and is all O HAI! Sookie is less than impressed.

Outside the police station, Lettie Mae is all disapproving of Tara and still believes that Miss Heartless is Miss Voodoo Hoodoo, and if it keeps her from drinking, then I say let her go on believing. Maryann pulls up an pretty much lays the smack down on Lettie Mae about being a shitty mom and then whisks Tara away. I hate Maryanne. If she is the interpretation of who I think she is (and I’m pretty sure she is) then I hate her even more, and they are really lame-a-fying her character. BOO.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Bill and Jessica are being grilled by Sookie about how this came to be. There is a great moment when Sookie asks, “Did you have sex with her?” Bill goes OMG NO, YO. And Jessica says, “Eww! Old!” and Bill goes -_-. Hee. Bill explains what happened and then sends Jessica to bed, and he is the most jerk face vampire dad ever! Sookie is very disturbed by all of this, but she makes sure to ask if Jessica could have killed Miss Heartless. Bill says, “NO! Probably not.” Then, OF COURSE, Sookie makes sure to make it about her by going all crazy about how Bill didn’t tell her about all of this, and WAH WAH WAH. It’s actually kind of annoying, but she makes good points. She finally asks, “What else are you keeping from me?” Bill takes a minute to answer. (HA! At least they’re following THAT part of the book.) Finally, Sookie gets up to leave, flaps her Woman Empowerment Cape a little, and is OUT, YO.

Now, we are formerly introduced to Reverend Douche Newlin Jr, and his very blonde wife, who we will call Douche Wife. Douche Jr. is having an interview argument with Nan Flanagan, who I love, and afterwards, the Douche family goes to some Fellowship of the Sun party. During the party, the Old who got to Jason when he was in jail introduces Jason to the Douche family, and he is instantly smitten, and Jason is so obviously brainwashed. It’s gross, and also a great parody of religion in general. The Douches invite Jason to their weird cult summer camp, but Jason can’t afford it, and Douche Wife says in a douchey way, “Pray on it. God will give you a sign.” DUH-DUH-DUUUUUH, foreshadowing.

Over at Maryann’s, Sam has shown up with his trash bag o’ cash, and Maryann’s weird butler lets him in and goes to see if Maryann is awake IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. Sam wanders around and has a flashback of when he first met Maryann. He was a puppy who ran into her house to steal food and things, and she catches him, and she strangely looks older than she does now. In fact, she looks fuckin’ haggard, YO. Weird butler says Maryann is asleep, and Sam gets the hell out of there right quick.

Sookie is having a day of wallowing in misery, listening to old country music that she can’t possibly like, and she decides to start cleaning out Gran’s room. (Oh, Gran!) It’s a really sad and poignant moment. We see her glasses and prescription bottle still on the nightstand and her unfinished knitting, and Sookie smells it, and it’s all very sad. (Psst, she did all this in the first book with Arlene’s help and then moved into her grandmother’s bedroom. CREEPY.) In the middle of her cleaning, the doorbell rings, and resident lawer Sid Matt Lancaster shows up to give Sookie some bad news, and Sookie is used to this, but when Lancaster tells her that it’s great-uncle Bartlett and he is dead, dead, dead. Sookie is surprised, but not sad. She asks how it happened, and he tells her that he must have gotten too close to the creek behind his house and fallen in. Um, what? Fallen into a creek out of his WHEELCHAIR that he could barely push up the sidewalk? I think not. Sookie thinks not, too, and it’s obvious that she thinks Bill did it, which, of course, he did. Lancaster also gives her a check for the money that Uncle Bartlett left her and tells her about a million times what a great and kind man he was. Sookie is like AHAHAHA, no.

Over at Maryann’s house, she, Tara, and Eggs are eating fruit and smoking pot by the pool. Tara and Eggs have a heart to heart and ALMOST kiss, but then Weird Butler shows up and interrupts them with fresh towels. Tara goes in since the moment is ruined, and when she is gone, Maryann smacks the crap out of Weird Butler for interrupting them. Hmm…

Now we see Hoyt and Jason at work, and they spend some time lamenting the loss of Rene, their best friend and town murderer. Jason seems to have forgotten that he murdered Gran. Hoyt starts to get on Jason’s case after Jason starts talking about his brainwashing. Hoyt isn’t having any of this nonsense, but Jason is oh-so-crazy about Jesus and the FotS. Sookie pulls up in the middle of it to tell Jason about Uncle Bartlett and to FORCE him to take the check. Jason then sees some sun through the trees, and OF COURSE, it’s JESUS telling him THIS IS YOUR SIGN, YO.

We jump immediately into another flashback of Sam, and teenage Sam is getting ridden hard by Maryann, and in the middle of it she starts to do that weird blurry shaking thing, and Sam gets very freaked out by this, as anyone would. Sam gets interrupted during his daydream by Arlene, who comes in and bitches about not having enough waitresses, and OH LOOK, here is Daphne, you can hire her. Daphne is v. cute, and she worked at the Cracker Barrel! YAY!

Now we’re back in the Cellar of Grossness with Lafayette and A.B., and A.B. has lost his rag LIK WO, and he’s revealing all of his sins and shortcomings to Lafayette, who really does not want to listen, but he does anyway because really, what are you going to do in a Cellar of Grossness? Lafayette laments a little, too, but he is too proud to wallow too much. He lets A.B. do all that for him. A.B. also admits that he let a guy blow at summer camp to make Lafayette feel better. Um…whatever.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Andy is drunk again and questioning random patrons. Some random whore is trying to sleaze up on Jason, and he is having none of that. I mean, he turns down sex? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO JASON? Hoyt also turns her down, but once she is gone, Jason tells her that he can hit that if he wants. Hoyt says he’s not much of a hitter. Hee. I love Hoyt. Some random bitches start talking about Miss Heartless, and then naturally progress to talking about Rene, and how the American Vampire League dug him up and turned him into a vampire as punishment, and then just laugh all AHAHA…just as Arlene walks up and FREAKS OUT. It’s actually kind of sad. Terry Bellefleur, who is so in love with Arlene, comes over and smacks some money down on the bitches’ tables tells them to GTFO and says my favorite phrase in such situations, “Don’t eyeball me!” HA! Arlene hugs Terry and Terry is all googly eyed and smells Arlene’s hair. Oh-kay.

In the back, Jason is telling Sookie about the Cult Summer Camp, and they’re getting along better than ever. Drunk Andy comes and is all “STAAACKHOUSE…I wanna taaaalk to youu..” Oh, Andy. He was cleared and STILL Andy wants to blame him. Suddenly, Bud Dearborn and who I assume is his wife come in with a trophy wearing the most INSANE outfits I have ever seen. I’m guessing they won a square dance contest. Whatever.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Bill is trying to find a Tru Blood that Jessica will like, and she whines about how Eric let her feed on people, and Bill is all GRUMBLEGRUMBLE I AM NOT ERIC, YO. Jessica is all OMG NO YOU AREN’T and then she puts glass into the wrong recycle container! Bitch!

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sookie goes out back to talk to Sam, and Sam is Mr. Grouchy Pants and all drunk and surly. He goes on and on about how OMG IT’S ALL ABOUT SOOKIE, which, hi, it is. Back inside, Sheriff Bud once again tells Andy to GTFO, but this time, he takes Andy off the case. Poor Andy. Sam continues his flashback outside and remembers how he robbed Maryann after their creepy sex, and while he’s taking her jewelry and stuff, he finds a drawer FULL of money. Naturally, he steals it. Back in the present day, Maryann shows up and is all YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF MINE, and when Sam tries to give her back the money, she laughs and tells him, HI, NO. He then accuses her of trying to take away Tara, and Maryann is all AHAH SILLY PUPPY, so not about you.

Out at the bar, Eggs is there, too, and he’s schmoozing up to Tara, and he even manages to sneaky kiss her, and it’s very cute. This is, of course, when Sam walks out, and Tara making out with Eggs is totally harshing his buzz.

Sookie goes over to Bill’s where he has finally found a good combination of blood for Jessica. Sookie plays the girl card on Jessica to get her to leave, and it’s beauty. Jessica is all HEE and goes to bed early. Bill is impressed, but in the middle of it, Sookie is all OMG DID YOU KILL UNCLE BARLETT. Bill gets very choked up and only can say, “He…hurt…you.” It’s heart-wrenching. Sookie is all offended and says OMG IS IT THAT EASY TO KILL? Um, yes, Sookie. HE IS A VAMPIRE. Why do you always forget this. HE IS A VAMPIRE, YO. She goes on this big rant about how killing Rene haunts her and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Bill just sort of stands there until Sookie says that it might not work out because they’re so different, and then Bill vampires over to the door before she can leave, and it happens.

It is the best speech on this show to date. Here is the speech. Prepare your ovaries for explosion.

Bill: Sookie…I cannot and I will not lose you. For all the ways I have dismayed, be grieved, or failed you, I swear I will atone. But I am not sorry. I refuse to apologize for what you have awakened in me. You…you are my miracle, Sookie. For the first time in 140 years, I felt something I thought had been lost to me forever. I love you…and for that, I shall never feel sorry.
Sookie: Goddamn you, Bill Compton. I love you.

And then yes, obligatory face eating and creepy Couple In Real Life sex that is very, very dirty. They totally get blood EVERYWHERE. It’s very upsetting to see red blood going on a pretty white bed. Not to mention Anna Paquin’s boobs, and the fact that we are seeing the way she and Stephen Moyer ACTUALLY HAVE SEX IN REAL LIFE. It’s too much. I have to look away.

When I look back, we see that we are back in Cellar of Grossness, and A.B. tells Lafayette that he has a plan to get out, but the door at the top of the stairs opens, and Lafayette is all OMG SHUSH MOTHERFUCKER because OMG SOMEONE IS COMING. This someone is humming all cheerfully, and we get the close-up and…IT’S ERIC. And he has HIGHLIGHTING FOIL AND A HAIRDRESSING CAPE ON. The joy of this moment cannot be adequately described in words. He looks at Lafayette in his deadly stare way and says, “Ohhh, shushing won’t do any good, sweetheart. We hear everything.” They really give no explanation as to why he comes down in his foil and cape, but it doesn’t matter. It is magic. He rips the cape off to reveal everybody’s favorite black tank-top and track pants, and says he’s going to take out the garbage and unhooks A.B.

Eric reveals that AHAH of course, I was right, and they’re down there for crimes against vampires, and he reveals that a vampire sheriff has gone missing, and they want information. As Eric is using his very muscley, beautiful arms to take A.B. upstairs, A.B. reveals his master plan--he smashes a silver cross right into Eric’s perfectly beautiful face, and ERIC LOSES HIS SHIT. Eric is 1,000 years old, and as I guessed, old vampires are more powerful and crazy than young ones, and he goes COMPLETELY bat shit crazy, all roaring like a beast, and he throws A.B. and then lifts him up and eats his stomach, and there is sinew in his fangs (all done in creepy shadow), and then we see shadow of him ripping off the guy’s arm, and Eric flings the blood all over Lafayette who is O.O and sort of obsessed and in love at the same time.

End credits.

Next week on True Blood…well, to be honest, I can’t remember anything except Eric having short hair (I assume murder in the middle of highlighting might have some adverse effects) and Lafayette asking Eric to make him a vampire and Eric going “Excuse me?” VAMPIRE LAFAYETTE? PLZOMG. Since they’re completely going crazy with not going by the books, why not?

VICTORY. ERIC PWNS ALL.