Recap: True Blood Season 1--"First Taste"

True Blood Season 1: First Taste (Episode 2)

So, we pick up right where we left off with the Rattrays kicking the shit out of Sookie, and they call her lots of horrible names, and man, they are really giving it to her LIK WO. They randomly kiss in the middle of all this, and we throw up in our mouths. Sookie is bleeding all over the ground, and suddenly, out of nowhere, this random Collie shows up and growls and barks at the Rattrays. Mack pulls out a gun to shoot at the Collie but Sookie grabs his leg and then he’s flung into the air and over onto a tree like a rag doll. O.O Denise is all o.O, and there is some blurry blurness all over the place, and then she, too, is tossed about like a leaf on the wind. They are both so very, very dead, and the Collie looks back at Sookie O’Bleedsalot and kind of has this look like, “Whoa.” Then Sookie blacks out, and we see a foot wearing a boot and then a hand that starts to pick her up before the opening credits roll.

After the credits, the first thing we see is the Sex Tape O’Maudette and Jason, and we find that Jason is in the sheriff’s office being questioned by Sheriff Bud and Andy, and he is all kinds of torn up, as the video plainly shows that he choked Maudette OUT. We get a flashback of him realizing this and then running half naked out of the house. Back in the present time, Jason has put his head in his hands and is ready to surrender, but then, on the tape, we hear Maudette start to laugh, and then, she stands up and calls Jason a moron. YAY! Jason is not a murderer! He’s just a moron. And Maudette is…well, was…a bitch. Jason is OVERJOYED by this news, and Andy is -_- at him.

Back in the way back of Shithole Bar and Grill, VB is carrying Sookie through the woods, and she looks up at him all o.OO.o and her Shithole Bar and Grill t-shirt is completely ruined. OH NOES!

Back at the station, Jason is telling Bud and Andy about the vampire he saw on Maudette’s vampire pr0n tape. They ask if it’s the same vampire that Sookie is messing around with, and Jason gets all OUTRAGED because MY SISTA DOES NOT MESS AROUND. But then he has to say that he doesn’t know because he hasn’t met VB. He tells him how the one on the tape is bald and tattooed and scary LIK WO. Andy tells him that it’s interesting that the tape with Jason was the only tape in the house, and Jason says, well, somebody took them, and Andy says that maybe somebody took all of them except the one Jason is on to make it LOOK like Jason is innocent, but that’s only to cover up the fact that he came back and killed her later. Which, I have to say, is a pretty good piece of detective work. But Jason answers him with what we are all thinking. “I’m not that smart.” And he isn’t, and suddenly, we love Jason, if only for a minute.

Back by the shore of Lake Merlotte, VB lays Sookie down, and she is effed up something awful, and VB does the thing that all vampires do in all vampire movies that makes me want to kill myself. He takes a chunk out of his wrist and tells her to DRINK, YO. Sookie complains and says she doesn’t want to be a vampire, and VB tells her that she won’t, and that if she doesn’t DRINK, YO, she will die. Sookie gives in, and I turn away because I can’t stand to watch people in vampire shows and movies drink blood from vampires via the wrist. It is not attractive in the least, and it is gross.

Now we see Tara going home to her house o’sad somewhere in Bon Temps, and we are introduced to the source of Tara’s sadness--her mother, Lettie Mae, who is an alcoholic, and not just an alcoholic, one of those CRAY-ZEE ones. It’s interesting to note that Lettie Mae has passed out in front of the TV, and she was watching “America’s Most Smartest Model.” I loved that show. Tara finds an almost empty bottle of something, and Lettie Mae is all sprawled out on the couch with her boob hanging out, and it’s just not pretty. Cut to Lafayette, who is suddenly thugging it in some random car, and Tara pours herself a bowl of Sad O’s cereal and tells him she can’t face cleaning up her mother. Lafayette is all OMG SHUT IT and tells her that he will come get her, but they are going to a party, and she might have to find a ride home in case he gets lucky. Tara lets us know that Lafayette always gets lucky because he is a ho, and he calls her “Hookuh,” and we love them both SO MUCH.

Across town, Dawn the Hot One comes STORMING out of her bedroom because somebody is banging on her door at three in the morning. It is Jason, and he is so traumatized from being questioned for 12 hours that he finds the only way he will feel better is if he buries himself between Dawn the Hot One’s boobs. She laughs at this because she knows that he is stupid, but he is good-looking, so she can forgive him.

Cut immediately to VB licking Sookie’s forehead, or, more specifically, the huge open wound in Sookie’s forehead. She wakes up and goes o.O, and he goes O.O, and we go :X because NOWHERE is forehead blood licking considered to be SEXY. But Sookie is not really freaked out by this, and she looks up at VB and asks, “Do I taste different than other people?” VB tells her that she does, and again, he asks, “What are you?” Sookie finally spills the beans that she is telepathic. VB is visibly alarmed by this, but she tells him that she can’t hear his thoughts, and though we won’t know about it for a long, long time, he BETTER be glad she can’t hear them, otherwise we wouldn’t have a show. She goes on about how it’s why she likes him so much because everybody else is so loud, and after this, the gaping head wound on Sookie’s forehead magically heals. YAY!

VB asks Sookie a “personal question,” and that question is how does she manage a social life. Sookie tells him that she doesn’t, and we get a montage of a few dates she went on where she hears her date’s thoughts and squirts one with mustard and walks out on the other one when she hears that he has thoughts about Matt Damon. Good stuff. Sookie tells VB that some people know about her talent, and that she tries to stay out of their thoughts. VB is very interested in this, and Sookie tells him that it sounds like a “stream of consciousness” or sometimes it’s images, and this is where I laugh myself silly. Stream of consciousness? How did Sookie learn that phrase? Oh, Sook, you are so cute.

All the while Sookie is telling him all of this, VB is creeping up on her, and Sookie finally does her now patented OK BAI, and VB walks her back to her car, commenting that she feels completely healed, and VB just says, “You are.” Apparently, vampire blood heals everything ever, but that is not okay for doctors to know because even though it would heal every sickness in the world, it would be bad, bad news for vampires.

Cut to a random backyard party where Lafayette is trying to get lucky, and Tara is trying to fend off creepos by telling them that her husband is a mercenary. Oh, Tara, I love you. Lafayette randomly disappears, and Tara gets the grouchies.

Back at Dawn the Hot One’s, she and Jason are going at it, and I mean REALLY going at it. In the middle, Jason stops to look in the mirror and point at himself, and I love him in that moment. And hate him.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sookie asks VB how old he is, and he tells her that he was made a vampire in 1865. Blah, blah, blah, will you come talk to the DGD, and VB gets OUTRAGED by the name because OMG WAR IS NOT GLORIOUS. But he finally asks her if it would make her happy if he agreed, and Sookie says it will make Gran ecstatic, but VB vampos her up and says “Would it make YOU happy?” and they are so cute that it’s gross. Sookie is all flattered by this and says, “Yes,” but what she really means is that it would make her even happier to have his vampire babies. VB agrees, and then asks when he may call on her, and we all melt into puddles. Now, they have a date for the next night, and Sookie is all TEE HEE. Sookie notes that Sam’s light is on in his trailer, and the audience wonders how he didn’t hear the gigantic beat down going on just outside his door. When Sookie turns around, VB has already vampired away, and Sookie is all SHIVERSHUDDERGLEE!!

It’s the next morning at Dawn the Hot One’s Shack O’Love, and while she is sleeping, Jason notices that she has fang marks. OH NOES! Jason gets the grouchies because another girl he has “spent time with” has been bitten by a vampire! How’s a ridiculously hot guy supposed to bear such a thing!

Back at the house, Sookie is watching the Reverend Newlin of the Fellowship of the Sun rant and rave and insult Nan Flanagan, and she comments to Gran that she doesn’t think Jesus would mind if people were vampires. I have long held the theory that Jesus was possibly a vampire (rising from the dead, making people drink his “blood”). Or perhaps Jesus was a zombie because of the rising from the dead thing. Gran agrees, and then Sookie has this moment where she’s eating sausage and OMG it is SO GOOD. She talks about seeing the farm and tasting the soil and all kinds of random shit, and Gran goes o.O. Obviously, Sookie is feeling the after effects of having vampire blood and has gone crazy. Luckily, Tara walks in to interrupt the weird moment, and Sookie tells her that she looks terrible, but really, Tara looks as fabulous as she always does. Tara not so discreetly asks if Sookie saw VB the night before, and then they have probably my favorite exchange from the show. It goes as follows.

Tara: Did he bite you?
Sookie: NO.
Tara: Are you sure? ‘Cause you know they can hypnotize you.
Sookie: Yeah, and black people are lazy, and Jews have horns.

I also had a fan girl moment because Gran comes in carrying Community Coffee, and that is mentioned in the books. YAY for attention to detail. Gran wanders off after her favorite gossip buddy calls, and in walks Jason. He is wearing a shirt that says, “ALABAMA THUNDERPUSSY.” WTF? Tara melts into a puddle because, don’t forget, she LURVES Jason. Jason immediately begins to raid the fridge and denies he ever slept with Maudette AND insults Sookie, thus proving he is, in fact, a man. All the sudden, Gran runs in says OH NOES, you will never believe it! Her gossip buddy told her a tornado touched down and turned over a trailer in a clearing, and Mack and Denise Rattray were crushed to a pulp! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

Sookie realizes that no tornado did this, or if one did, it is the tornado of sex and fangs known as VB. So, she jumps in her car and drives over to the scene, and man, oh, man the place is a wreck. So is Sookie’s wardrobe, which consists of a bikini top and a sun dress? I’m not even sure. Sookie is in the middle of marveling at how strong VB is when a creepy black van pulls up. Unlike the rest of the free world who would RUN LIKE HELL if a creepy black van pulled up, Sookie goes to see who it is, and it is the creepy town coroner, Mike Spencer, and Sheriff Bud. Bud is all OMG SOOKIE because, technically, she is traipsing through a tornado touchdown that is actually a crime scene, but of course, HE doesn’t know that. He does mention that he had heard she wasn’t too fond of the Rattrays because his niece or something is a nurse in the hospital emergency room.

Sookie already had her Woman Empowerment Cape ready to go when these two fools pulled up, and so she waves it around, and Sheriff Bud asks if the vampire who was staying at the Compton place was the one she was defending the honor of. “The old Compton House?” Sookie blink blinks, “Just across the field from where I live?” And for this, I direct you to the oh-so wonderful Cleolinda Jones for her explanation of “Convenience Road.” And Sookie is OVERJOYED by this news.

Mike Spencer is all “Your grandmother lets you associate with a vampire?” and Sookie is OUTRAGED and just about strangles him with her Cape. Methinks she has some reason to really dislike this Mike Spencer, and she did mention that he was the one who buried her parents, but I can’t imagine why this would make her hate him. (*SPOILERY* She WILL have reason to hate him soon. BWUAHAHA.) Sookie goes on about how she was doing her civic duty by stopping the Rattrays from draining VB because it’s against the law, and Sheriff Bud is all O RLY? AND NOW THUR DED! Sookie gives the best DUH face ever, and says, “RLY! BY A TORNADO.” Sheriff Bud reminds her that tornados hop, and this one didn’t, and Sookie knows that he is suggesting that VB is somehow responsible, and we all know that is just CRAZY.

And then, then Sheriff Bud makes the worst mistake anyone could ever make when Sookie is around. He says, “Sookie, you’re a good girl. I hate to see you go down this path.” Oh, Sheriff Bud. Sookie is quietly OUTRAGED, and she flaps her Cape and says OK BAI, and she is GONE, fool.

Back at home, Gran is vacuuming, and Sookie brings up that since VB sleeps in the ground, he probably won’t care about the rug, but Gran is all STEP, BITCH, and tells her she’s not doing it for VB. Then Sookie starts smelling rotten food, and is all :X because OMG it is overpowering, but Gran can’t smell it. Sookie finds the source of the UNBELIEVABLY AWFUL AND TERRIBLE ODOR…and it’s half a Cheez-It under a chair. Gran is all o.O, and we are all OMG VAMPIRE BLOOD DRINKER. Gran also throws in that Jason and Tara are coming over for VB’s little visit, too, and Sookie gets all pouty about it. I mean, REALLY pouty, and Gran picks up on this and says, “Did you want to be alone with him?” Sookie thinks, “No, I want to have his vampire babies,” but just says “maybe” to Gran. But Gran is not fooled.

After the sun goes down, we see Jason’s truck driving up to the house, and it is so not as offensive as the one in the book, which has pink and turquoise flames. I would have loved to have seen that. In the house, Sookie, Tara, and Jason are sitting in the kitchen, and Sookie is wearing yet another skimpy sundress, and she stomps and huffs when Jason starts in about how he knows more about vampires than he cares to--which is to say he knows that some of them are tattooed and have sex. Yes, Jason, you are the expert. Then Jason and Tara flirt in the kitchen. Well, Tara flirts, and Jason is oblivious.

Sookie is outside sweeping the non-existent dirt off of the front porch in a pair of heels that are absolutely ridiculous for such activity, and suddenly, VB vampires up behind her, and Sookie nearly has a heart attack. She tells him that she doesn’t like it when he does that, and VB actually says, “I’ve upset you.” JEEZ, DUDE, SETTLE DOWN. Sookie says no and starts to head inside, and we find out that, like all vampire media worth its salt, the vampires of “True Blood” can’t come in unless they are invited. Sookie finds this endlessly hilarious, and VB is very -_- about it. Sookie comments that she’ll “have to remember that,” and yes, Sookie, please do. It will come in handy eventually. I MEAN, NO, SOOKIE, DON’T REMEMBER. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. Ahem.

Back inside, Gran tries to serve VB some sandwiches, and VB is all o.O, not wanting to be rude, but then Gran realizes her mistake, and is all “AHAHAHA” in that nervous way. Jason, by the way, makes a big show of biting into a sandwich as if to say, “Well, motherfucker, I can eat, so that means I am better at sex than you. SO THERE.” They proceed to have a sit down, during which we learn that VB came back to Bon Temps because his last living relative died, and Jason brings up the fact that he thinks vampires are teh_suck (AHAHA, pun), and Gran smacks him down a little bit. We also find out that VB’s father owned slaves because Tara rudely asks him about it, and Tara is very -_- at this. Jason is -_- about everything that VB says or does or looks at. So then, after about a minute of talking about old timey things, VB says he wants to take a walk with Sookie, and even asks Gran’s permission, and Jason is the one that jumps and says, “OH, HELL NO!” and Gran smacks him down again with a “You better respect me, boy.” Sookie AHAHA’s at Jason and walks out with VB into the night, but not before VB pauses to give Jason the vampo death glare FTW! Gran also pauses to remind Jason that he does “not need help lookin’ like a fool” after he accuses her of doing just that. So really, it’s Gran FTW!

Sookie is walking outside with VB and tells him that she went and saw the Rattray’s trailer, and VB brushes it off by reminding her that he is very strong. Sookie reminds him that tornados hop and don’t just land in one place. VB is properly chastised. As they are walking, VB notices a collie in the bushes watching them, the same collie from the first time he met Sookie. COINCIDENCE? I think not, my furry friend. Sookie asks if VB fed from the Rattrays, and VB tells her, yes, because you DRANK MY BLOOD, YO. LIKE, A LOT. Sookie asks what it will do to her, and VB basically tells her everything we’ve already noticed (improved senses) and, oh, yeah, you will want to have SEXY SEX like, A LOT. Sookie finds this mildly amusing. VB also mentions that he’ll be able to find her fast whenever she is trouble. It is built in stalker radar! Hooray! Sookie is visibly troubled by all of this information, and she tells VB to back off for a few, so he, of course, follows right behind her as she starts walking into a graveyard.

Back in the house, Jason is laying on the couch all woe-is-me-like, so Tara brings him a Love Beer and sits down beside him to console him and massage his pride. The two of them have a saddo session, and then they start to get a little snuggly, and just when Tara is warm and comfortable on the couch of love, Jason remembers OH NOES, he was supposed to pick up Dawn the Hot One from work, and Tara wants to kill herself as he runs out and leaves her alone, but instead, she just laughs.

Back in the graveyard of SEXY SEX talk, Sookie brings up this glamouring thing that vampires apparently do. (This is one of my vampire media hang-ups. I don’t like the idea of glamouring, or at least, I don’t like that every vampire can do it. It gives them some sort free reign to do all sorts of things to humans outside of their free will. I am no fan of that idea. Vampires are superior enough to humans. Do they really need some crazy hynovamping power that makes humans lose total control of themselves? WE GET IT ALREADY. Humans are SO below vampires on the food chain. They are chicken a la king, and we are McNuggets. We don’t need to be reminded every five minutes. WE GET IT ALREADY. Ahem, end rant.)

VB explains that it’s sort of like hypnosis and that all humans are susceptible to it. Sookie gets out her Woman Empowerment Cape because it’s a little chilly in the graveyard and asks VB if he has ever glamoured her, and VB sees that Cape and knows its power and quickly tells her NO, YO, and I NEVER WILL. Sookie then dares him to do it, and this obviously makes VB uncomfortable, but he succumbs to Sookie’s charms (read: boobs) and tries. Glamouring someone obviously involves a lot of vampo voice and intense glaring, and VB gets all up on Sookie and vampos, “Can you feel my influence?” and the audience AHAHAs because his influence is probably pressing against her leg as they speak, and yes, it ends with an EPIC FAIL of Sookie laughing in his face because it doesn’t work.

Poor VB.

VB notes that most people are more squeamish about vampires than Sookie is and she starts on some soapbox sermon about the reasons why she has no business being squeamish about weird things, since she, herself, is a weird thing. We are then treated to a flashback of Baby Sookie, who is intolerably cute, and how her telepathy manifested at an early age and made everyone very o.O around her. Sookie laments her strange childhood, and we find out that her parents were both killed in a flash flood when she was seven. BOO HOOS. VB tries to make Sookie feel better by telling her that he lost his wife and children, and that most of his family is buried in the cemetery that they are walking in! FEEL BETTER, SOOKIE. If it were me, I would not feel better. No, not at all. Then VB has another episode of “I’m A VAMPIRE, YO”, and stalks off all dramatico.

Sookie starts asking him all sorts of stupid questions about being a vampire, and VB thinks this is v. amusing, but Sookie thinks the fact that he can’t turn into a bat, fly, or turn invisible makes him a crap vampire, and she laughs and says, “Well, what can you do?” VB gets this very intense, yet at the same time tender look on his face and answers, “I can bring you back to life.” And we all melt into a puddle of goo and wish that we could have his vampire babies.

They just happen upon the Old Compton House, and it is HUGE and pretty much falling apart, and VB finds a fancy way of getting to see Sookie again by going on about how he can’t get in touch with anybody to come and get electricity into his house. Sookie fiddles with her Cape and tells him that she will do the work for him and get people for him to contact, and VB says thank you, but then he commits one of the creepiest moments of the show for me.

VB is just staring at Sookie, and he randomly says, “Take your clip out.” It sounds like he says “club,” but we realize that he is talking about Sookie’s hairclip, and she sort of stares at him like WTF, but she does it anyway. Then VB gets up close and vampos her and says, “May I?” and that is when I realize, with growing horror, that he means he wants to touch her hair. And he does, and THEN HE SMELLS IT. I cannot describe to you the way this creeps me out when people do this. It’s just…NO. NO, NO, NO. But obviously, Sookie does not find this creepy. She gets O-face, and then VB sort of smells her neck, and this I DO find to be SEXY SEX, and VB pulls back and says, “I can smell the sunlight on your skin.” Now they have me forever because that is one of my favorite things in vampire media. I love when objects of affection remind vampires of the sunlight. (I also, of course, have a very dirty brain and think that Sookie’s blonde hair reminds VB of another blond that he knows, and so it makes him all shivery, but that is for another post. :D)

Then VB just sort of stares in the general vicinity of Sookie’s boobs and then sort of moves in for the kiss, but he hesitates, and Sookie is having none of that and grabs VB and eats his face. It is very swoony, and VB thinks so, too, because his fangs sort of pop out, and obviously, this is very embarrassing for VB, and he says OK BAI and takes Sookie home.

The next day, Dawn the Hot One is getting ready for work, and in the background, we see Jason is tied to the bed. AHAHA, Dawn the Hot One gets points for this because she totally LEAVES him there and goes to work. Hilarity.

Evening at Merlotte’s, and Tara spends some time berating a drunk lady at the bar. Good times. Sam comes in and gets on Tara for not wearing a uniform, to which Tara whips out her Black Woman Empowerment Cape and starts on how Sam likes to sexualize the females that he employs, and blah, blah, blah, but we are introduced to Terry Bellefleur, cousin to Detective Andy, and Terry is an Iraq War vet, and he is greatness. And a little scary, but mostly great. In the end, Sam just cannot deal with the Cape business so early in the evening, so he tells Tara she can wear whatever she wants.

Sookie is taking the orders of some frat boys, and one of them is being particularly nasty and grabs a hold of Sookie’s considerable backside, when out of nowhere, Rene jumps in and is all OMG I BREAK U ARM. Sookie is a little o.O at this, and does start to get out her Cape, but yes, does think Rene is fantastico for coming to her rescue. Where’s that Cape now, Sookie? HUH? Rene makes some creepy comment about how Sookie reminds him of his sister and gets a little handsy with the hair brushing-back, and Sookie goes and tells Arlene to tell Rene thanks again, but Arlene is having a moment in her head where she worries about being pregnant, and when Sookie randomly hugs her, Arlene flips RTFO and huffs away. Sam picks that moment to call Sookie into his office, and Sookie is all OMG GIVE ME A BREAK.

In Sam’s office that looks like a study in a British guy’s house, Sookie tells him that she’s sorry about reading Arlene’s mind. She can’t always control it, she says, and Sam asks if it’s true that she can’t hear the vampire’s thoughts. Sookie sort of nods, and we can see Sam’s dreams go up in smoke as he tries to make nice about all of it. Sam then asks if Sookie can hear him, and Sookie sort of coyly laughs and says she doesn’t want to read his mind because she likes working for him and would have to quit if she did. Oh, Sook, would you ever. Sam goes on and on about how she might be surprised at what she would find if she did read his mind, and I sort of gag because this is his way of telling her that he lurves her? Really? Man up, doggie, I mean SAM. Things get weird for a second, and he tells Sookie she has a job whenever she wants it and gives her longing look, and Sookie goes AHAH OK BAI and runs out. On the wall of Sam’s office, we see a picture of a COLLIE WATCHING OVER A SLEEPING BLONDE CHILD.

*face palm*

Sookie goes back to work, pausing only for a kind, encouraging word from Lafayette. He manages to remain fabulous in about 12 seconds of screen time. Tara then needles Dawn the Hot One about Jason and tries to find out if they are still back together, and Dawn the Hot One sees right through this and saunters away. Sookie sees a news report just then about the evil Reverend Newlin and his family being killed in a horrible car accident. OH NOES, dead bigots!

Cut to the outside of the Old Compton House, and there is another car in the make-shift driveway, and it has a license plate that says FANGS 1, and bumper stickers that says VAMPIRES SUCK and HONK IF YOU’RE A BLOOD DONOR. Oh, har, har. Vampire humor! Sookie wiggles herself up to the house and goes to knock on the door, but before she does, it opens, and a FABULOUS Foxy Cleopatra from “Austin Powers” type girl answers and smarms up to Sookie all, “Hey there, little human chick.” Sookie tries to remain calm and asks for VB, but it’s not VB who joins her. It’s some Eurotrash looking guy with a ponytail who says she smells “fresh,” and when Sookie tries to OK BAI, she turns around and runs into…THE BALD VAMPIRE WITH TATTOOS WHO HAS SEX!! And his mouth is all BLOODY! OH NOES!

End credits.