Prepare yourself, I am about to say unpopular things, which honestly, if you didn’t know that I have a tendency to say unpopular things WHAT, ARE YOU NEW? That is what I do! I say unpopular things in ALL CAPS with lots of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!1!one! It is how I roll, and this shall be no exception.
Everyone thinks that Star Trek is above reproach, and to that, I say WHAT ARE YOU? NEW? Everyone, including Star Trek fans (either Trekkies or Trekkers) LOVE to complain and nitpick Star Trek. No, they’re not as bad as the Star Wars fans, who are, let’s face, completely insane, but they are pretty bad. They think they’re so ELITE OMG and that their opinions MATTER. (If you think your opinions matter, please reference Star Trek V and Star Trek: Generations. YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.)
I, myself, am a Trekkie, and if you do not know the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker, please GTFO of this review. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME. Or, more accurately, you have some sort of a semblance of a life, and therefore, I cannot relate to you.
I also have a love/hate relationship with Star Trek in that I love Star Trek: The Next Generation and I hate Star Trek: The Original Series. KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. I do not care if that is blasphemy. I DO NOT CARE. TNG is what got me into Star Trek, and I only went back and watched the important episodes of TOS because I was forced to by my more enthusiastic Star Trek friends. TNG is a superior show, in every way, because TNG has Patrick Stewart and the lovely hunk of bearded man meat known as William T. Riker (real name, not important).
However, because the Newest Star Trek, sometimes stupidly referred to as Star Trek 0 or Star Trek 11, which is WRONG on so many levels, is a reboot. Do not let people tell you that it is a reMAKE or a re-imagining or any other word that starts with re. IT IS A REBOOT because J.J. Abrams is a lunatic fool if he thinks he won’t make another one. This movie made kajillions of dollars, and LOST is over next year, so he needs something to do. THIS MOVIE IS A REBOOT.
Which is a good thing seeing as how I loathed TOS except for Bones and Spock, and I can happily say that the Newest Star Trek did what the show should have done and that is focus completely and totally on Spock and only give Kirk ten minutes of crybaby time. Let’s face it, Kirk has always been exceptionally less interesting than everyone around him. HE IS A DUDE FROM IOWA. That is not compelling storytelling. A half-Vulcan, half-human guy is SO much more interesting, and if I had my druthers, I would say TO HELL WITH KIRK, LET’S CALL THIS THE SPOCK MOVIE AND BE DONE WITH IT.
The story of the Newest Star Trek was cranked out of the GENERIC STAR TREK STORYLINE MACHINE. Some bad guy has some grudge against the Federation and decides to use some horribly destructive machine to destroy some picturesque planet from which at least one person on the Enterprise hails, therefore setting in motion a story of revenge and, ultimately, the finding of oneself.
EXCEPT THAT IS NOT THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE.
The plot of his movie is Eric Bana is Captain Nero, the character with the worst name in the history of Star Trek because of the thinly veiled symbolism. Anyway, Captain Nero has a grudge against Spock from the future because Spock from the future couldn’t prevent a totally unpreventable disaster from destroying Romulus, and nobody in the Federation cried about it because THE ROMULANS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BAD GUYS. But, Nero is sad in his pants because his wife and unborn spawn died in the ASPLODE, and now he has been waiting for 25 years to catch up with Spock from the future, who is not Zachary Quinto, but is, in fact, Leonard Nimoy, and OH WHO THE HELL CARES. THE PLOT IS NOT IMPORTANT.
But I will stop to say that J.J. Abrams needs to stop drinking the Kool-Aid supplied by whoever told him it was a good idea to include time travel in everything he does ever. First, LOST, then Fringe, now this mess. TIME TRAVEL CONFUSES PEOPLE. Meaning it confuses me, so DON’T DO IT OMG. What IS important in this movie is the casting, and I have to say that I have a few complaints, but overall, I’m pleased. Let’s just address the elephant in the room, and that elephant’s name is Chris Pine.
WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET THIS GUY?
I hated him. HATED. HIM. I could barely get past his voice which sounds a lot like a cross between Christian Slater (Star Trek VI HOLLA) and that guy who plays Matt on Nip/Tuck. His Kirk is WHINY and ANNOYING, and NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE. We are supposed to like him. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR CAPTAIN, and he is supposed to lead us on this incredible journey, and instead, he just stands around and goes WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? His casting was a fail. I had never heard of him before this movie, and sadly, I believe I will keep hearing about him when they make more of these movies, and that makes me said.
His horribleness, however, cannot eclipse the wonder that is Zachary Quinto. The man terrifies me on Heroes, and his eyebrows are…well, they are the Sybrows, and if the people of the world would put their faith in the Sybrows, I am convinced they could solve world hunger and disarm the nuclear weapons. THE MAN IS AMAZING. I had my doubts because he was taking on one of the most beloved sci-fi characters of all time, but he and his amazing eyebrows (Spockbrows?) managed it, and THEY MANAGED IT GOOD.
The rest of them…eh, I hate Karl Urban. I don’t know why, I just do. I have never been a fan. I think he is a good actor, yes, and he looks lovely riding a horse with his long blond flowing locks trailing behind him, but there is something about him that irks me. For him to be playing my favorite Star Trek character…it was difficult for me at first. However, I think he did a great job. Also, SIMON PEGG. That is all that needs to be said. He is amazing. END OF STORY. Zoe Saldana is lovely, and I thought she was all right, but then we have John Cho, and I LOVED HIM. A LOT.
What caught my eye were the random cameos. WINONA RYDER? REALLY? And WTF was Tyler Perry doing as a Starfleet Admiral? MY MIND WAS BLONW. And don’t think I didn’t hear your voice, Greg Grunberg. OH, I DID, AND I LOVED IT.
I think rather than saying the things I did like about this movie, I will list what I didn’t like. The Spock/Uhura thing FREAKED ME OUT. I’m not sure if it’s because I always viewed Spock as asexual, or if I was just annoyed that they thought THIS WILL PLEASE THE GIRLS. Well, this girl is NOT PLEASED. I also do not appreciate them throwing in “cute” things that are a “tribute” to the original series. YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU, GREEN GIRL WHO HAS A NAME THAT I DO NOT CARE TO REMEMBER.
The problem with that is that if this is a reboot, then reboot it. DO NOT DO THINGS THE SAME AS THEY WERE DONE. Distance yourself from the original material, and set the standard for the movies to come after this. I think the movie managed it, and then some, but the little things that I am sure made hardcore fans pee their pants just made me go OMFG THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF STAR TREK.
Let me clarify something. I FREAKING LOVED THIS MOVIE. But I am not over the moon like most fans were. I think it has problems, but it is a Star Trek movie, so of course it will have problems. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it because I did. A LOT. In fact, I am already watching it again, and I will probably watch it four or five times before the week is over. I just think there were things that could have been changed, or maybe, it’s better to say things I didn’t like. The movie is just fine the way it is. It’s good. It’s really good.
AND WHEN DID SULU START KICKING SO MUCH ASS? Even though they totally looked like Power Rangers sailing through the sky like that.
Random fandom aside: THANK YOU, JJ, FOR NOT OVERBLOWING THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT BETWEEN KIRK AND SPOCK. It was better directed at Kirk and Bones. OMFG THEY WERE TOTALLY BOYFRIENDS.
In summation, this movie SETS ITS PHASER TO STUN. AHAHA OMFG I suck at life. No, really. I loved it. Really loved it, and I cannot wait for more of them provided that Spock and Uhura break up, and we never have to see Chris Pine in a fight scene ever again because obviously, dude cannot win a brawl.
4.5 POINTY-EARED HOTTIES OUT OF 5
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
1 year ago
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