Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Keep This Party Going" aka Everybody Gets the Megahump

True Blood Season 2: “Keep This Party Going” aka Everybody Gets the Mega-Hump

Previously on “True Blood”…

Season premiere last week, and they’re already trying to hook us back in. Guess what? IT WORKED. Last week, we found a dead voodoo priestess, Maryann laid the smack down on Lettie Mae and Sam, Lafayette isn’t dead, Sookie met Jessica, Eggs was shady, Jason got brainwashed, Sookie and Bill had a big ol’ fight and then make-up sex, and we found out that it is Eric who has Lafayette held captive and watched him get his vamp on for the first time. AND IT WAS GOOD.

We pick up right where we left off, which is one of the things I love about this show, and Eric THROWS A.B.’s frikkin’ ARM at Lafayette all slow-mo, and I’m not sure whether to be disgusted or go OMG ERIC CAN I HAVE YOUR VAMPIRE BABIES. Eric sort of throws up some blood, and I’m not sure what that is about, except maybe he just gorged himself, which, HI, he did. He’s all covered with blood, and Lafayette is all O.O in the corner. As if him coming downstairs with foil in his hair wasn’t great enough last week, we are treated to yet another GREATEST TRUE BLOOD MOMENTS…er, moment, and it is as follows

Eric: *looks at his hand all covered with blood and goo* Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: *is all O.O even more* What?
Eric: *stepping on A.B’s bones* Is. There. Blood. In. My. Hair.
Lafayette: I don’t know. I-I can’t see in this light.
Eric: *vampires over to him* How ‘bout now? *leans in close to show him his VERY blood covered hair*
Lafayette: Yeah…th-there’s a little bit of blood in there. Yeah.
Eric: Oh, this is bad. Pam is going to kill me.
Lafayette: Who the fuck is Pam?
Eric: Why? D’you want to meet her?
Lafayette: O.O No, no. I’m-I’m good.
Eric: Well, you’re going to. *unhooks him*
Lafayette: Where are you taking me?
Eric: To find out what you know. I wouldn’t try anything rash if I was you. *totally kicks A.B.’s guts and stuff out of his way IN HIS FLIP-FLOPS* I’m still hungry.

Credits. EPIC WIN! The interaction between Lafayette and Eric is PRICELESS.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie and Bill are all post-coital, and for a moment, it’s sort of cute. We get to see them as a real couple, instead of just murder, saving the damsel, etc. etc. They discuss the difference between make-up sex and “I thought you were dead” sex. There’s also a discussion about the similarities between vampires and seventeen year old girls. It’s a brilliant piece of writing, but for some reason, I’m starting to find Sookie really unlikable. I’m not sure what it is. She seems different from last season in the way that she was innocent and cute, and now she’s trying to be all wise and shit. I’m not sure what’s going on. Anyway, at least four times during the conversation, Sookie tries to strangle Bill with her Woman Empowerment Cape, and it finally dissolves into more make-up sex. Blah, blah, blah, SEXY SEX that we don’t have to watch.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam is looking at Eric’s hair in completely disgust, and Eric is trying to apologize, even telling Lafayette to defend him. He mentions “he took silver to me,” so this leads me to think that this is the reason that Eric turned into the snarling beast monster and tore A.B. asunder. Perhaps they can’t control their crazy vampire instincts when they are injured or attacked. Whatever. All I know is that it was hot, and Eric pwns. Anyway, Lafayette wants no part of this, and he tells Eric to tell him what he wants and he will give it to him. Eric tells Lafayette that he’s seen his website, and AHAH, the image of that is hilarious. Lafayette quickly shows us that he will do ANYTHING to get out of this mess, including giving Eric the names of everyone he ever sold V to, and Pam, in her hilarious way, zings him about how prostitutes are supposed to be good at keeping secrets. It is at this moment, we see the beauty of Lafayette, and I am so glad they turned him from a gay short order cook who only makes it one chapter into the second book into the glorious creature we see before us. Lafayette says, “I’m a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whole bunch of other shit after that, but a hooker dead last, so if I got even a ‘Jew at a Al-Qaeda pep rally’ shot at getting’ my black ass up out this mu-fucker, I’ll take it.” BEAUTY!

We get to the meat of it. Eric wants to know what happened to Eddie, and Lafayette spills the beans that he thinks Jason took him, which, he did, sort of. Eric and Pam have a conversation in Swedish(?) and decide that it’s not worth killing Sookie’s brother because she’d get the mega-hump about it. Eric also asks about V buyers in Dallas, and we find out that Godric, his buddy from Dallas who we can also assume is the Sheriff of that area, has gone missing, but Lafayette says he hasn’t heard of any new product, and Eric tells Chow to lock Lafayette back up. This means YAY NOT DEAD YET, but Lafayette doesn’t see it that way, and he pitches the biggest fit ever, and Chow actually has to drag him back downstairs, kicking and screaming and knocking shit over.

It’s interesting to note that on Eric’s desk, side by side, are a bottle of Tabasco Sauce and a bottle of Southern Comfort. Hmm…

On the Bus of the Brainwashed, Jason is trying to sing-along with some random Cult Camp song, and we meet Luke McDonald, and he is a big muscley type jock boy, and already, I am sensing something strange about him. Luke gets very annoyed that Jason has only wanted to go to Cult Camp for two days AND because he’s has breakfast with Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife. He and Jason bond over football and decide to be roommates, and then they sing another random song, and I shit you not, one of the lyrics is “They live forever, but WE WERE HERE FIRST!” AHAH Cult Camp is going to be HILARIOUS.

Over at Maryann’s House of Butler Slapping, Tara and Eggs are all huggy and snuggly, and Tara starts to get nosy about Eggs’ past because she knows nothing about him. Eggs is uncomfortable with this, and we find out that it’s because he has no job, he’s homeless, and he went to jail for drugs, armed robbery, and assault. Basically, Eggs is every offensive stereotype, and he gets the mega-hump and stalks away when Tara is a little unsettled by this information. Boo hoo, Eggs, go cry over some mangoes.

At Casa de Stackhouse, Sookie’s hair is getting more hideous by the minute, and she’s drinking coffee when she sees Jessica’s parents on TV pleading for her safe return. Ooh, creepy. Sookie goes upstairs to Gran’s room and looks at some old picture of her and Tara with Gran, and it is HORRIBLY Photoshopped. I laughed out loud at how horrible it is.

Back at Cult Camp, the campers are getting their “Honesty Rings” which, coincidentally Douche Wife mentions, they are made of silver, so they can be used for defense in case of vampire. Jason gets his first look at Ashley, the resident Cult Camp shank, and some random guy screams “DIE, FANGERS!” The Cult Camp t-shirts are hideous, and as I said, Cult Camp is HILARIOUS.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Daphne, the waitress from last week who worked at Cracker Barrel, is crap at pouring mustard from one jar to the next, and Tara comes in late, trailed by Maryann. Sam gets the mega-hump about this, as anyone would in the situation, and he goes over to tell Maryann to GTFO, and Maryann is just as cool and aloof as usual. She brings up the fact that Sam stole a whole bunch of money from her, so he lets her stay, and then she orders pretty much everything from the menu, which makes Sam go O.O.

Oh, the hilarity CONTINUES at Cult Camp, and we see a flag football game set to the song “God Bless Texas” by Little Texas, which is on my list of all-time hilariously awful songs. During the game, Jason completely wipes the field with anyone and everyone in his path, including his new frenemy, Luke, and Luke gets pissed and tackles Jason. Everybody sort of goes o.O, and then Jason tackles him right back and wins the game. Do I detect a bit of lurve from the Douches toward Jason? I think Douche Wife might have the hots for our boy. I sort of have the hots for him watching him run around with his shirt on his head. He is a lurvely man. Dumb, but pretty.

Lunch at Shithole Bar and Grill, and Sookie stops by to see Tara, and we see Terry freaking out in the kitchen because Daphne’s handwriting is so bad. Sookie and Tara sneak into the bathroom, giggling like fools.

Back in the Dungeon of Manly Flip-Flops, Lafayette is all OH NOES, and what follows is probably one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. Last week, A.B. mentioned that he had an accident a few years ago and that almost his entire ass is made of metal. Lafayette is all sad, and then suddenly, EUREKA! He sees what is left of A.B. and gets a great idea. He maneuvers over to A.B.’s guts and…well, actually, I fast-forwarded the DVR through this because it was so gross. Basically, he gets a piece of metal out of what used to be A.B.’s ass and uses it to break free. YAY! This scene definitely proves that Lafayette is, indeed, a survivor. Could you dig through viscera and guts to get a metal rod out of somebody’s dismembered body to break free from a dungeon? I don’t think so.

Back in the Bathroom of Girly Girls, Sookie has told Tara about Jessica, and Tara tells Sookie about Maryann and Eggs, and Sookie asks Tara to move in with her! YAY, girlie girlness every day! Suddenly, there is a crash outside, and Tara and Sookie run out to see that Dapne has dropped a tray of stuff onto Sam’s foot, and Sookie decides to make tracks before Sam asks her to work. On her way out, Sookie is grabbed by Maryann, who flatters her LIK WO, and when Sookie tries to read Maryann’s thoughts, all she gets is the same thing over and over in a language I can’t recognize. Sookie decides then that she is OUT, and asks Tara to think about moving in with her, and when Maryann hears this, she gets this face -_-. Mega-humptastic.

Back at the Bar of Historical Stereotypes, Lafayette is running for the door, neck shackle and all, and when he gets there, he finds that it is locked. OH NOES! He also finds the waitress from season one who helped get Longshadow killed. Ginger is hiding behind the bar, and she has a gun! Lafayette tries to smooth-talk her, but it doesn’t work. She actually does end up shooting him in the leg, and she goes O.O and he goes O.O, and she apologizes and screams, and it is greatness. Lafayette tells her to get a towel, and when she gets them, she screams again and says, “These are all dirty!” I’m so sure that a guy who has been locked in a dungeon for two weeks is really going to care about dirty towels. (Oh, and a note. I learned it from Emergency Medical Dispatch. Do not use towels to stop bleeding. Towels are used to absorb things. You do not want to absorb blood out of your leg. A sheet or a t-shirt works better. Just a tip. :D)

Apparently, Cult Camp has a variety show because we are treated to Ashley Skank singing a hilariously craptastic song called “Jesus Asked Me Out Today,” which we are reminded is available on iTunes. Oh, product placement. (I would rather scoop my eyeballs out than download that song.) After the music, Reverend Douche Newlin gets on stage for some role-playing activities. This session is about how to deal with vampire sympathizers. Douche Wife is going to be play the heathen sympathizer, and Reverend Douche calls Jason up to play the “Good Guy.” Jason even goes o.O at this, and Luke McDonald goes -_- and hateshateshates Jason.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Sookie lets herself in and finds only Jessica, who has just seen her parents on TV, and she is being her usual annoying self. She starts to cry blood, and I’m not really crazy about that part of vampire media. I’ve never thought it made sense that they could cry at all. Sookie and Jessica have a big girl talk about how hard it is to lose somebody you love, except Jessica’s family is still alive and Sookie’s is very, very dead. Somehow, Jessica manages to talk Sookie into taking her to see her old house and to maybe get a peek at her parents, and Jessica promises that she will OF COURSE stay in the car, and she will, in no way, attempt to leave the car and go talk to her parents. Shyeah. This is going to go well.

Now we see Bill in some kind of clothing store, and he looks very out of place, and a random saleslady comes over to help him, showing him a very short miniskirt, and we know better. Bill is very old-fashioned. In the middle of this, the saleslady realizes that Bill is a vampire, and suddenly, she’s all wanting to try on the miniskirt in the dressing room for him. AHAH, fangbanger. While this is going on, just over Bill’s shoulder, we see a big blond guy in a track suit? With short hair? It’s Eric, with his new fancy haircut, but why is he wearing a track suit? I mean, really? What is this super casual wardrobe all the sudden? I do like the hair, though. I can’t believe I’m saying that, seeing as how Book Eric has beautiful flowing blond hair and TV Eric doesn’t, but it’s okay. Thus is the power of Askars. He calls Bill “Old Sport,” and he asks if he likes the new ‘do. Bill says yes, “Very much,” and saleslady is all “Ohhhhh…,” and it’s very true. Eric and Bill are like gay vampire boyfriends, and we love them very much. Eric gets the smirky smile because he knows what’s up, but of course, Bill is all DERRR? So cute. Eric gets all serious and says, “We need to talk.”

Back at the Cult Camp Variety Show, Jason is doing his best during the role-play session with Douche Wife, who is definitely crushing on Jason. In the middle of the skit, Douche Wife turns around and puts in a pair of really awful fake fangs, and I guess it makes Jason have some kind of post-traumatic stress flashback because he goes all crazy and grabs the American flag and breaks the pole and makes like he’s going to stab Douche Wife, and yes, we all wish he would. It’s a very tense moment where everyone is all O.O, but then Reverend Douche starts a slow clap, and then everyone, except Luke McDonald (who hatehatehates Jason,) goes all crazy, and Jason is the hero forever. But he IS having flashbacks of Eddie and how Crazy Amy stabbed him and how it hurt his heart, and poor Jason. He’s so confuzzled.

Dinner at Shithole Bar and Grill, and Terry is having a meltdown in the kitchen, and even more hints of a Terry/Arlene relationship are thrown at us as she goes into the kitchen and takes over for him so he can have a break. Terry is hilarious. I mean, really. Arlene demands that Terry give her his “tawwwwngs” which I assume is the word “tongs”, and I hate Arlene soSO much. Terry realizes that a lot of orders are going to Table 4, and asks WTH is going on at Table 4? Table 4 is Maryann’s party, and it’s just her there. Across the bar, Sam goes over to Andy Bellefleur’s table, and he’s drunk, of course. He’s swimming in his sea of sad, and Sam sort of lets him. They both comment on how there are people dancing, and people never dance at Shithole Bar and Grill. Sam LIKES that nobody dances, and Andy does, too, because apparently, once he danced at a club in Shreveport, and a girl told him he looked like “an epileptic on meth.” “Never again, Sam. Never again,” he says. This I must see.

Maryann suddenly slinks out of her booth and starts sexy dancing, or what she THINKS is sexy dancing. Suddenly, she has become that sad old wannabe MILF in a bar, who sits alone and hopes somebody will dance with her, and I hate her more than I already did. But whatever, she gets her “groove” on, and when she does, suddenly, the whole bar starts to get the sexy slinky look about them. It’s like they’re in some sort of weird sexy trance. There’s even some butch lesbians getting into it. WTF is going on here?

Back at the Department Store for the Undead, Eric tells Bill that the Area 9 Sheriff of Texas, Godric, has gone missing, and Eric reveals his master plan. He wants to take Sookie to Dallas with him to try to find this Godric. Bill gets the mega-hump about this, and Eric reminds him that Sookie made the deal, and that is that. Bill refuses, and Eric reminds him, HELLO, I am your master, and Bill STILL refuses. Eric makes it known that he can just take Sookie if he wants her, and Bill STILL refuses. Eric offers to dance in a thong while covered in chocolate, and Bill STILL refuses. Kidding! The last part isn’t true, but OH, if it was. Anyway, Eric says WTFever, and is OUT, yo, and Bill is left to be surly.

Across town at Jessica’s parents house, Sookie pulls up in front, and Jessica starts to get all sad. This is when Sookie busts out that she’s sorry because it’s her fault that Jessica is a vampire. Let’s go back, shall we? I do believe that Bill had to make Jessica because he killed Longshadow who was trying to kill Sookie because Sookie was reading Ginger’s mind, and Ginger told her that Longshadow was stealing money from the club. So I do believe that this is all Longshadow’s fault, and Longshadow is very, very dead, so STFU about it already, Sookie. It’s not your fault! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Jessica realizes this because in the middle of Sookie’s little cryfest speech, she sees her sister in the window of the house and runs out of the car and starts banging on the door like a maniac. This is going to go well. Jessica’s mom answers the door, and yes, one thing leads to another, and Jessica and Sookie get invited in, which really doesn’t make sense. Isn’t that Jessica’s house? Shouldn’t she be allowed to go in without an invitation? Or does that stop when the person becomes a vampire? Who knows. Jessica gets her invite, and Sookie goes, too.

Shithole Bar and Grill has become Sexhole Bar and Grill. Eggs shows up and tells Tara that he wants her, and it’s actually cute, in a weird way. Meanwhile, Maryann goes over to get Andy to dance, and YES, we are going to see it! We are going to the see Epileptic Meth Dance!

In the bathroom of Cult Camp, Luke randomly starts verbally attacking Jason, saying “You think you walk on water, don’t you?” Jason, who is nonchalantly flossing his teeth, replies, “No, I think that was Moses.” Oh, Jason. Luke is all OMG THAT WAS JESUS. Luke calls him “Muslim Buffy with a Dick,” and that isn’t very Christian. Luke promises that even though day one belonged to Jason, day two will belong to the Lukeanator. WTF? Jason has some more flashbacks of Eddie, and we cry a metaphorical tear for Jason and his confusion. ;_;

In the supply room of Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam realizes that something crazy is going on in his bar, and he goes out to investigate. The place has turned into Dance Party USA, and then…yes…it’s true. We see it. We see the EPILEPTIC METH DANCE. It is GLORIOUS. Sam comes out and harshes everybody’s buzz, and pulls Maryann into his office and tells her to GTFO of town, and that it’s HIS BAR OMG, and they are HIS PEOPLE OMG! Then Maryann gets all shaky shuddery and OMG! She turns Sam into the Collie, and she tells him she can do it whenever she wants, so he better watch it, buddy. EEP.

Back at Jessica’s Parents’ House, Jessica’s dad comes home and hugs her OMG SO HAPPY and then he FREAKS OUT. He starts shaking her and screaming at her, and yes, this is a very bad idea, because suddenly Jessica vamps out, and tells him OMG GET UR BELT, BITCH but this time I PWN YOU.

Eric’s office at Fangtasia, and Lafayette is slowly bleeding to death on Eric’s couch, and Pam and Chow are waiting for Eric so they can eat dinner. (Note that Pam is wearing a VELVET track suit, and I am very alarmed at the state of fashion on this show.) Eric finally shows up, and scolds Lafayette for trying to escape, and then Lafayette lays a whammy on them all. He tells Eric to make him a vampire. Eric, just like us, is all O.O I BEG YOUR PARDON? Lafayette then lists the pros of him being a vampire, and he does have a good point. He’s a good dancer, after all! He also has a poor moral character, and he’s almost able to glamour people without vampire powers! This sounds like a great deal! But then he puts the clincher on it. He tells Eric, “Not only will I be a bad ass vampire, but I’ll be YOUR bad ass vampire.” Eric gets the drooly face and is all “Interesting…” in his sexy way, but then he totally ruins Lafayette’s day by saying the corniest line in the history of the show. “Pam…Chow…chow time.” They couldn’t think of another word that wasn’t the name of a guy on the show? I guess not. They get all fangy, and the three of them attack Lafayette, and all that sexy biting we have seen so far…this is not that. It is gross, but Askars’ tramp-stamp area shows, so all is well.

Jessica’s about to eat her whole family, and she gets ready to eat her dad first because he is a major jerk, and she pushes Sookie around, but the whole time, I can only pay attention to how bad her fangs look. One of the things I loved about this show was the way all of the vampires have these spring-loaded fangs. They make that cool noise when they come out, and they’re sort of in the middle of their mouths, unlike most vampire media where they are just extended versions of human canine teeth. I thought that was very inventive. But now, I’m noticing that when the fangs first come out, they are in the middle, but when Jessica starts to tell us how teh_suck her parents are, her fangs have moved over, and it’s ridiculous. I’m not sure what that is about, but I do not like it.

Anyhoo, Jessica is about to eat her dad when suddenly Bill shows off and blows the freaking door off its hinges, and suddenly, for the first time, Bill is a fucking BADASS! He commands Jessica to stop, which she does, and when Sookie is all “OMG BILL YAY!” he tells her to SHUT UP, and she does. Then Jessica’s little sister comes around the corner, and Bill lays the whammy on her in a very creepy yet sexy way and HIS fangs are in that weird place, too, and I hate it, but I don’t know who could resist him. She invites him in, and he goes crazy and tells Sookie to get the hell out because OMG this is all her fault! He shoves her out the door, and then he vampires all over the place, and he gives Jessica a look like OMFG and then looks at the camera like OMFG, and it fades to black and we go OMFG!

Next week on “True Blood”…is Lafayette a vampire? Of course they won’t give us any hints! Teasing bastards! What we do see is a lot of Bill yelling at Sookie, Hoyt meting Jessica, Tara realizing that Maryann makes orgies happen, Sookie in a Fangtasia t-shirt, and what looks like us getting back on track with the books when the beast monter…well, I won’t spoil it.