Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Hard-Hearted Hannah" aka Welcome to Crazy Town

True Blood Season 2 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood…

Daphne turned into a doe, and it freaked Sam right the hell out! Jessica called Hoyt late and Maxine got very annoyed. Lafayette asked for his job back, and everybody wants to know what happened to him. Maryann announced she was moving in with Tara, but Tara said HELL NO! Sookie volunteers to infiltrate the FotS, Bill disagrees OF COURSE, but Eric is like YES SHE WILL BECAUSE I SAY SO. Tara pays the price for annoying Maryann, and that price is getting bitched out by everyone EVER. Douche Wife gifts Jason with the Holy Handjob, making the best face EVER. Eric reveals that he is so insane about finding Godric because Godric is his maker and he totally loves him forever, and there were SEXY SEXY VIKINGS! Tara changes her mind and lets Maryann move in…TO SOOKIE’S HOUSE. Bill wants to do a runner, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric, and Bill is growly about it, but then they get busy OF COURSE while OH NOES! Lorena is walking up the hall! EEP!


We open up with everybody’s second favorite Photoshop monstrosity, Hotel Carmilla, and I must again give a yell to my Team Carmilla mateys from the LiveJournal comm Definitely_Dead. Inside the hotel, there is horrible elevator music playing, and we see some kind of lounge thing, and Lorena is walking through said lounge thing, accompanied by OOOH OOOOH OOOOOOOOH music, which always means bad, bad news is coming. The next thing we know, we’re staring at Eric sucking some girl’s blood, and honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks so ridiculous. It’s like he’s looking off at something else and not really paying attention, so he’s kind of crooked, and the girl is going “OHHH, OHHHHH” like she’s in a porn, and then she says “That’s it, baby…” Mistake.

Eric pulls away, his lips all red and sexy, and goes -_- and shoves her away, going “Baby? I’m over a thousand years old…” Meals in Heels goes O.O and asks if he’s having a good time, but it is obvious he is not. Eric mentions that there just isn’t much thrill left in feeding on the willing. I knew it! He has a case of immortal ennui, which, honestly, I have always found annoying in vampire media. O, TEH_MISERY of being over 1,000 years old and incredibly hot! Shut it, BABY. YOU LIVE FOREVER. I think you can get over it. Meals in Heels asks if she should try being unwilling, and Eric looks PAINED at her stupidity and tells her only if she is VERY, VERY good at it, which, I have a feeling she will not be. So, he bites her again, and she pretends to be unwilling, and….she is horrible. I mean, really REALLY horrible. The best part is that as she’s yelling “YOU SICK, BLOOD-SUCKING BASTARD,” Eric sort of pulls back and looks at her and goes [>.<] and shakes his head. HEE. After about a second of trying, he pulls away and looks behind him and holds up a finger in the ‘wait a second’ gesture. He then says, “Buffy, go” and the girl gathers up some money. BUFFY? BUFFY!?! AHAHAHAHA. WIN. Then Eric throws Meals in Heels a bone and tells her to tell her manager she was magnificent and that he will back up her story if he calls. AWW. Meals in Heals leaves, and we see that Eric’s new visitor is…LORENA! WTF! Credits.

After the credits, we’re back, and OH LOOK, Bill and Sookie are all post-coital, and for a moment, I’m afraid we’re going to have to watch them do it AGAIN, but then we are saved by a knock on the door. Bill gets in his bathrobe and goes to answer the door, and it’s Isabel and her boyfriend, Hugo. We get a LOL because Bill is all HEY BABY BABY WHO IS THIS? And Isabel goes -_- HE IS MINE, CHICO. AHAHA, she gives Bill a dose of his own medicine, and I love her a little. Anyway, Bill heats up some TruBlood in the fanciest microwave I’ve ever seen, and he and Sookie have a sit down with Isabel and Hugo. Isabel says she knows Bill is worried about Sookie, so she is offering to let Hugo go with Sookie to the FotS. Naturally, Bill is suspicious, and Sookie reads Hugo’s mind, and all she hears is OMG FOREVER AND EVER I LOVE YOU OMG FOREVER, and so she says that Hugo totally loves Isabel, so it’s all right. I don’t know about you, but there is something suspicious about this. He just seems really intent on thinking that. Hmm… Anyway, Isabel says that the FotS will be less suspicious if a man is there with Sookie, and Sookie agrees, so of course, Bill is all OMG FINE.

Back downstairs, in the lounge of IS ERIC WEARING LEATHER PANTS??, this is exactly what I was worried about in last week’s recap, but whatever. I suppose I will have to get over it. Anyway, Lorena sits down across from Eric, and Eric lounges like a big sexy Swedish thing and says he thought about booking her the room next to Bill and Sookie, but he decided it was a bit over the top. AHAHA, oh, Eric. Lorena asks WTF about her being there, and Eric says that they want the same thing. Lorena sort of arches a brow, and then we get yet another get moment from Eric. “Okay…Bill has something I want, and he’s in the way.” HEEEEE! HE JUST SAID HE WANTS SOOKIE! Ahem, anyway. Lorena is not impressed with this because OMG A HUMAN? Eric goes on about how Sookie is more than human, but whatever she is, Bill loves her. As though this is supposed to be some kind of motivation for Lorena. Lorena asks what makes Eric thinks she wants him back, and Eric leans forward with this arms all THERE and LOVELY, and says, “Because you didn’t come all this way just to see me.” MAYBE SHE DID. HAVE YOU SEEN YOU? PHWOAR.

Anyway, Lorena gets all bitchy because she hasn’t seen Bill in over 70 years so why should she have any pull over him. Eric gets all bitchy back at her and says that he hasn’t seen Godric in much longer than that, but he’s still loyal…FIERCERLY loyal, bitch. OMG THUR LUV IS SO TRU! Lorena tries to be all sexy and gets in Eric’s face all HEY BABY BABY WISH I WAS YOUR MAKER, but then mentions that Eric is not her type, and so we know that she is a big vampy lesbian because ERIC IS EVERYONE’S TYPE. From the misty look in Lorena’s eye, we can tell that a flashback is coming up, and boy, oh boy, it’s one of the most hilarious ones we’ve seen yet. Prepare yourself. Ready?

AHAHAHA, Bill is sitting at a piano in Chicago in 1926, and his hair is all slicked back as he starts SINGING. Maximum hilariosity. I’m not sure if that’s his real singing voice, but if it is, Bill just shot up in my books. I know that’s his actual piano playing. Anyway, he looks totally hot except for the fact that he is SUPER pale, and Lorena is there, too, of course, dressed like a flapper, and it is not a good look for her AT ALL. Lorena sets her eyes on a couple sitting on a couch, and the woman of the couple looks like a transvestite. Seriously. Lorena asks them if they’re enjoying the entertainment, but she says it in the WORST French accent I have ever HEARD. I took five freaking years of French and she is…I can’t even DEAL with this. Anyway, the nub and gist is that Lorena likes the necklace the transvestite is wearing, and she invites the couple to stay after the party for a big orgy with her and GUILLAUME. Enough of that.

So, back at SEXhole Bar and Grill, Sam and Daphne are still on the pool table, which is so totally ruined, and Sam FINALLY asks Daphne about her Back of Nasty. She tells him that she has no idea what happened. She remembers it happening, but she doesn’t know what made the gross scars. UH HUH. I BET YOU DON’T. Anyway, she asks if anybody else knows about him being a shifter, and Sam says that Sookie knows, and Daphne gets a little bit growly at that, then they have a big chat about having shifter pride. I’m kind of put off by Daphne’s whole carpe diem philosophy because she’s a big fake, but in the end, they dissolve into SEXY SEX again, and Sam thinks Daphne is the best girl in the world OMG!

Back at Casa del StackhouseMaryann, Tara is trying to find a water pump because apparently, the one weekend that Sookie is out of town, the thing breaks. Eggs is trying to fix it, but he is apparently crap at home improvement, and Maryann is getting a foot massage from Weird Butler. When Weird Butler asks her how her coffee is, Maryann turns into a fucking dragon lady and starts burning down villages and eating peasants. OMG MY COFFEE AND THAT SHOWER WERE COLD YOU MUST DIE! Tara tries to put her in her place by saying she’s sorry she doesn’t have a fancier place for her to squat in, but then Dragon Lady turns her attention to Tara and promptly rips her a new one. WTF, Maryann? Who the hell do you think you are? I mean, REALLY. She is just a complete and total bitch during this scene, and there is a moment where I literally wanted to put my foot through the screen. Eggs makes motions that he wants to go with Tara to get the pump, and Maryann FREAKS out because she wants him there to fix the water heater “in case he can jury-rig something” and I went OMG WHAT? Because you and I both know what people say INSTEAD of jury-rig, and it just set my teeth on edge. Maybe I’m being sensitive, but still. I hate you, Maryann. I really, really do.

Over at Cult Camp, Luke and Jason are hurrying up to the church because, apparently, they have been summoned by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and Jason is very nervous because, as we know, he received the holy hand job from Douche Wife just the night before. But no, all Reverend Douche wants is for him and Luke to do some carpentry and build a platform with a cross on it. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Douche Wife seems very nervous about all of this, and Jason wants to know why they have to build this platform thing. Are they being punished for something, he asks, and he can’t stop staring at Douche Wife’s finely manicured nails. Douche Wife is no fool, and she tells Jason to STFU and be grateful for the JOB he’s been given. AHAHA. Oh, Douche Wife, you are winning me over. She points out that Jesus was also a carpenter, so Jason should shut up and like it, and Reverend Douche is all AHAHAHAH.

He decides it’s time to let Jason and the Lukeanator in on the plan, and just as we all suspected, this platform is being built for a ceremony called “Meet the Sun.” The book readers in the audience go BOOHISSNOOO, but for those who haven’t, to “meet the sun” is when a vampire commits suicide by staying out in the sunlight at dawn. It looks like church is doing this against the vampire’s will, but that is not always so. Apparently, the FotS makes a big celebration about of this, and that is what is happening in a few days time. I guess we know where Godric is. Jason is visibly disturbed by this chain of events, but Jason knows, just like all of us Southerners know, you do not become a wrench in the cogs of the church. They will mow you the fuck down.

Back at Hotel SOOKIE WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, Hugo gives Sookie a fake engagement ring to wear, and they start going over the plan once they get to the FotS. Hugh mentions that it’s probably a good idea that he does all the talking, and we agree because we know that sometimes Sookie gets brain-mouth disease and a mess just comes flowing from behind her beautifully gapped teeth. Sookie agrees and says she’ll just stand there and look pretty, and Hugo goes O.O because apparently someone warned him about the Cape, and he tells he that’s not what he meant. Sookie shows him that her hideous dress is actually the Cape in disguise and tells him YES, IT WAS what he meant, but it’s okay. It’s okay? Sookie, are you feeling all right? Sookies says that plan is good because she’ll be able to concentrate on listening to their thoughts instead of making coversation. She tells Hugo that she’s had plenty of experience hearing the horrible things that people say about vampires, so she is the perfect person to pretend she is a vampire-hater.

Then, of course, the conversation drifts into the uncomfortable area of the relationships between humans and vampires. Sookie is actually cute and vulnerable for a minute when she asks if Hugo and Isabel fight, and Hugo tells her yes, but it’s okay because all the other whores he’s dated…well, he didn’t care enough to fight with them. Um, whut? AHAH. Sookie agrees with me, but then her world is destroyed because Hugo brings up how wigged out Isabel gets when he mentions her turning him. Sookie says that this thought NEVER ENTERED HER MIND NOT ONCE, and I have a hard time believing that. Hugo does too, and he reminds her that Bill will still be smoking hot when she is a wrinkly old woman, and how could he ever love her if she’s like that? Sookie is properly traumatized, and then they set off for the FotS! YAY!

So, now we’re on the highway of Let’s Make Fun of Maryann, and Tara and Eggs are driving in Maryann’s car, and then suddenly, Eggs gets all weird and starts telling Tara about geographical markers on the road. He claims he has never been there, but he knows exactly what is coming up on the road, and he makes Tara pull over, and he jumps out of the car. Tara is freaking out, and, personally, I have no idea WTF is going on, so I am with her. Eggs just starts wandering into the woods, leaving Maryann’s very expensive car behind. Hmm.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is trying to be all cute with Terry, and she tells him that she has a surprise for him, but Terry reminds her he doesn’t like surprises. I mean, really? This comes as a shock, Arlene? Terry is just so cute I can’t stand it. Daphne is over at Maxine Fortenberry’s table, and she reminds us that she is the worst waitress ever. Maxine jokes about how all the good waitresses keep getting killed, so maybe it’s a good thing that Daphne is crap. Ex-Detective Andy walks in and tells Sam he wants to talk to Lafayette. YAY LAFAYETTE! Lafayette is buttering some rolls in the kitchen, and Andy points out what we’ve all been noticing. He says that Lafayette has lost some of his pizzazz. So true, Andy. So true. Lafayette, who is wearing fabulous blue eye shadow btw, just sort of brushes it off. Then the magic of Lafayette returns for just a minute, coupled with the weird magic of the Epileptic on Meth. It is as follows.

Andy: So, for the record, where were you all that time?
Lafayette: I was on a cruise.
Andy: A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise.
Lafayette: A gay one.
Andy: …
Lafayette: Andy, why don’t you go head an tell me what you accusing me of.
Andy: You weren’t on any damn gay cruise. ‘Cause if you were, you would have come back with MORE pizzazz, not less.

AHAHAHAHA. I love it. Terry has walked in during the middle of all of this, and he’s sort of watching the scene all o.O, and Lafayette has just about enough of this, until Andy threatens to take him down to the station and lock him up. “Lock you up” is obviously the trigger to Lafayette’s complete and total freak out, which is what he does, and he huddles down into a corner. Terry is watching this, and he knows exactly what is up. Then…and I can’t believe that I am able to type this words…the greatest moment of this show SO FAR occurs. Again, prepare yourself.

Lafayette is all shuddering and freaking out, and when he looks back at Andy…IT IS NOT ANDY. IT IS ERIC. IT IS ERIC WEARING ANDY’S CLOTHES, AND ANDY’S VOICE IS COMING OUT OF ERIC’S BODY. It is BEYOND hilarious. Mostly because Askars is making Andy-like expressions, and just from the shape his mouth takes, you can tell he’s making it look like he speaks with a Southern accent. This moment is just BEYOND fantastic. Thank you, Alan Ball. Thank you. Anyway, Terry tells Andy to GTFO and reminds us that Andy isn‘t even a cop anymore, and then he cuddles with Lafayette and tells him it will be okay, as a new wave of fan girls is born across the internet. The Terry/Lafayette ship is born.

Back out on the floor, Hoyt comes STORMING in, and he throws his phone down on the table in front of his mom. Apparently, she has shut off his phone, and Hoyt is all worried that Jessica will think he’s “one of those guys who never texts back.” AHAHA. Maxine says that is fine because Jessica is OBVIOUSLY a WHORE and a GOLD DIGGER and YES, A WHORE REMEMBER because only gold digger whores call late at night. Hoyt has obviously had enough of this, and he tells his mom to turn his phone back on, and OH YEAH, Jessica is not a whore gold digger, she is a vampire SO THERE. Maxine is all scandalized because I guess she would rather Hoyt be dating a whore gold digger than a vampire. AHAH. Greatness.

Back in the back by the soda machine, Sam is all OMG DAPHNE because he lurves her, and he tells her they should skive off work and go shift and play in the woods because he keeps looking at his pool table and thinking about SEXY SEX. OMG, they are getting so annoying. Daphne agrees, and then Sam follows, so I guess Shithole Bar and Grill has no manager for the day. Sam, you are about to hit the ground so hard your teeth are going to rattle. I can’t wait.

Over in the Cult Camp Shop Class, Jason and Luke are thinking up vampire killing nursery rhymes and discussing the ins and outs of sin as they build the big platform of death. Luke tells Jason that he was just joking about Douche Wife wanting his man parts, and he thinks that Douche Wife is totally so holy it’s not even funny. HOW WRONG HE IS. Then we get another great moment, and we find out that Luke thinks adultery is right up there with incest or bestiality. Jason’s face is so priceless during all of this, and Luke goes on and on, and he lets us know that adultery, incest, and bestiality put TOGETHER aren’t as bad as sleep with a vampire…or a dude…or a vampire dude. There you have it, folks. The worst sin on the planet is GAY VAMPIRE SEX.

At the same time as this is going on, in the background, we see a car pull up, and then we realize it’s Sookie and Hugo (which begs the point, didn’t Sookie see Jason? Or doesn’t she remember that he’s there? Anyway.) They pull into the parking lot, traffic being directed by Douche Wife herself, and Sookie comments that she recognizes her but, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding. O.o Anyway, Douche Wife and Sookie have a nice-off, and Sookie totally forgets the whole “Hugo does the talking” part of the plan, and she talks WAY more than she normally does. Douche Wife CLAIMS she happened to be looking out the window just as they were driving up, but I don’t believe that for one second. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. Anyway, Sookie delivers the story that they’re looking for a church to get married in, and they are thinking of the FotS for their ceremony.

In Reverend Douche’s office, Sookie and Hugo go on with their story, and right behind Reverend Douche is a HUGE picture of Jesus, which is just funny to me for some reason. Sookie finally gets down to business and starts reading Reverend Douche’s mind, and right out of the gate, she gets that he’s thinking about the platform of death and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement to give him the justice that 2,000 years of living couldn’t. So yes, it is Godric, and Sookie just smiles and pretends like she’s a bigot, and she’s actually very convincing.

She gives us a nice segue into vampires being blood-thirsty and vicious, and we see Lorena laying down somewhere, totally fingering some necklace that looks VERY similar to the one that the transvestite was wearing in the earlier flashback. And we get ANOTHER flashback, and the orgy obviously isn’t going to so well because Bill has the guy and Lorena has the transvestite, and it is obvious that this Bill is not the Bill we know and love(?) today. He is mean and vicious and HORRIBLE, and I FREAKING LOVE IT. It’s so insane of a scene because Bill is just BAD, and they horribly murder the couple, (complete with very realistic neck wound) and we see that Bill was a bad ass at one point, but sadly, he no longer is. We also see that the necklace that Lorena was fingering is the one that Bill ripped off the disgustingly mutilated transvestite. He rips it off and gives it to Lorena, and then they proceed to have very hideous and slightly violent sex, completely covered with blood and sinew. It is disgusting, and yet…I want to have Bill’s evil vampire babies. WTF. What a mind trip. I can’t even deal with Bill being evil. It’s too much awesome for me. Thankfully, Lorena remains disgusting, and it is obvious that she was a big liar because she totally still loves Bill.

Back in the Woods of Egg’s Is A Freak, he and Tara have been walking forever, and they come upon some weird campsite. Tara is totally freaked out, and so is Eggs. He says he’s been there before, but he can’t remember it, and there are weird markings on rocks, and clothes with blood on them, and the whole thing is just bat shit crazy. They find a scary rock with blood all over it, and Eggs starts crying and freaking out. Mostly, I just have no idea WTF is going on, and wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STORYLINE. *SIGH*

So, we head back to Cult Camp, and we’re about to be shown the Church of Eternal Creepiness. Reverend Douche warns Sookie and Hugo to be careful because sometimes when they open the doors, so much AWESOME SNUGGLY GREATNESS comes FLYING OUT that it knocks you down. You know, as much of a douche he is, I really think that the guy playing Reverend Douche is really good at it. There is something totally hilarious yet completely terrifying about him. Anyway, they throw open the doors, and we see that the church has huge windows so that tons of sunlight comes in, and suddenly, Sookie starts to lose her shit. I guess she has finally realized that this place is not a SUPER FUN AWESOME place, and Reverend Douche is all OMG HAVE YOU BEEN TO A LOCK-IN? And I go YAY THEY’RE BACK TO THE BOOKS! While Reverend Douche is telling Sookie about the lock-in, she reads his mind and finds out OH NOES! He knows that she is not there to find a place to get married! He knows all about her and her mind reading powers, and this is BAD BAD BAD for Sookie.

She also hears Douche Wife who is thinking that she doesn’t want to bring Sookie into the mess, but Reverend Douche calls Sookie a ‘fang loving freakazoid’ in his head, and Sookie just sort of gulps and has the O, SHIT look on her face. O, SHIT indeed, Sook. This is when things get even WORSE when Cro-Mitch walks up, and the music starts picking up, and it’s all crazy violins, and OH NOES!

Then suddenly, we’re driving down Drunk Ex-Cop Road, and Andy is drinking and driving when suddenly, a collie and a HUGE FUCKING PIG cross the road. OMFG DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Daphne is the pig! DAPHNE IS THE FUCKING PIG, and she is with Maryann, and I KNEW IT. Okay, so I thought Eggs was the pig, but whatever. I knew that Daphne was bad, and now we know that she is! ANYWAY, Andy tears off after them screaming, “PIG! HEY, PIG! WAIT UP, PIG!” And then he trips and falls in the grass, and Daphne and Sam run off and shift back all AHAHA THAT WAS AWESOME. Sam asks Daphne why she turned into a pig because a doe is so much cuter, and he mentions that it was like Andy recognized her. Daphne tries to brush it off, but Sam keeps on all WTF that was weird, and then Daphne plays dirty and says OMG SHUT IT and slides down to her knees to give Sam an oral exam. And all I can think is, DUDE, HE WAS JUST A DOG. YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON DOG JUNK. And then I think OMG YOU WERE JUST A PIG. SAM, THERE IS A PIG MOUTH ON YOUR DOG JUNK. And then my brain exploded.

So, now we’re in the freezer at Shithole Bar an Grill, and Lafayette and putting some stuff away, when suddenly the door opens, and it’s PAM! YAY PAM! Though her hair is ridiculous. She has her sunglasses pushed up, and it’s just not very cute. Anyway, Lafayette has a freaking heart attack, and Pam is all AWWW HOW CUTE. Lafayette asks why they didn’t glamour him because he totally has PTSD, and Pam just laughs because OH, CUTE HUMAN. She tells him that Eric sent her, and she holds up a bottle of V and tells him that he is back in business. Lafayette says OMG NO, but Pam says OMG YES. Lafayette doesn’t understand because they tortured him for selling V, and now they want him to sell V? Hmm…Eric has some kind of plan, and it is probably a scary and insane plan, which means good times for us!

Back at Cult Camp Church of Creepiness, it gets even MORE creepy because Reverend Douche tells Sookie and Hugo they are going to see his father’s tomb! YAY!. Um, WHUUUUT? Douche Wife doesn’t seem so keen on this plan, and Reverend Douche INSISTS, and the crazy music starts, and Sookie starts panicking. They make up some excuse that they are claustrophobic, and Reverend Douche is all OMG GO DOWN THERE, pointing down some creepy stairs to what looks like a stereotypical sex slave basement, and Douche Wife is all OMG NO, and Sookie is all AHAHA WE HAVE TO GO, and the tension just builds and builds an BUILDS until FINALLY, Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch grab Sookie and Hugo and start forcing them down the stairs! AHHHH! Douche Wife is screaming, and Sookie is screaming, and way back at Hotel Carmilla, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and just as he is about to jump up and go and save her, LORENA jumps on him! OH NOES!

Sookie is fighting for her life, hanging onto the railing, and Reverend Douche calls Sookie the C-Word, and even Douche Wife goes OMG STEVE! Lorena is trying to sex it up with Bill, and Bill is trying to get up, but it’s just no use. Apparently, since Lorena is his maker, she has some crazy super strength over him, and he is just powerless to get up. It’s actually a really horrible thing to see. She starts kissing him just as Sookie is dragged down in the Cult Camp Sex Basement, and Douche Wife is all freaking out and says OMG SORRY and slams the door. PHEW. That scene just completely took it out of me, so I was not prepared for the madness that was about to follow. Because I care, I tell you, yet again, PREPARE YOURSELF.

We go back to Casa de Dragon Lady, and Eggs and Tara walk into the house, and it is TRASHED, YO. I mean, seriously. Tara and Eggs are all WTF and they walk through the house and randomly pick up a joint as they look for any signs of life. There are clothes scattered everywhere, and they go out back, and we hear some creepy drum music. Tara and Eggs walk through the mountains of clothes, and when they come up into the clearing behind the house, we see…there are almost no words for the hideous sight before us.

It is yet another orgy, and this time, it is a real orgy. Instead of just sexy dancing and hilarious foot antics and dirt eating, it is SEXY SEXY AND MORE SEX. I mean, this is by far the most sex they’ve had on the show at one time, and it’s probably more sex than the whole of all the episodes so far. EVERYBODY is there. We have to see Creepy Mike Spencer getting it on with Jane Bodehouse, and Terry and Arlene are there, and everybody has the black eyes, and instead of making sexy noises, they’re all grunting like animals all UGHHH UGGGHHHH, and it’s just GROSS. In the middle of it are Weird Butler, who is wearing a hilarious robe, and Maryann who is doing her hippy hippy shake, and there is a bull head mask on the ground beside her. PHEW. At least this means that she doesn’t turn into the Bull Man Thing, she just LOOKS like she does. She gets the crazy claws, but the head is fake. I am relieved. Tara and Eggs just go WTF, and Maryann looks at them all YEAH? WHAT? And then continues on her merry way.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Back at Hotel Jailbait, the window shades are rolling up, and Jessica jumps up out of bed in her underwear and immediately checks her phone. No calls or messages from Hoyt, and she acts like an annoying teenager and throws her phone. Then she acts like an annoying teenager some more and pours $45 bottles of TruBlood down the sink while casting a petulant look at Bill‘s door. *SIGH* WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE HER? Then suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and when she goes to answer it, it is Hoyt. And he brought her flowers. And now everyone thinks they are so fantastically wonderful and cute. (Okay, Hoyt is cute, but them together…NEVER.) I am now, more than ever, convinced that she will be dead before the end of the season. That is just the way these things go.

It’s nighttime at Cult Camp, and Jason is walking into the Church Kidnap, and Douche Wife is up in the balcony crying, presumably because of the whole thing with Sookie and because she hates her husband. Jason goes up to comfort her, but Douche Wife spills the beans instead. She tells Jason that the Soldiers of the Sun are actually an army to start a war with vampires, and she just cries and cries because OMG MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE and…”he uses the c-word!” At that moment, I grew to love Douche Wife, just for a minute. Because in the next minute, she and Jason are getting it on IN THE CHURCH because GOD WANTS IT. IT’S GOD’S PLAN. And I hate her again. Though I have to say she is very cute without a shirt. Anyhoo…

Then we’re suddenly back in DON’T TRUST HER Woods, and Daphne is leading Sam somewhere, and I think we all know where that somewhere is. Sam hears the drum music and says, “In my experience, no good can come from drum music. You follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults.” AHAHAHAH, how right you are, Sam. Because in the next second, Daphne turns completely insane, and two random orgy-goers jump out of the woods and attack Sam, and they drag him over to the site of the orgy from hell, and now even Tara and Eggs are in on it, and the whole thing just makes me really, really uncomfortable. Sam is completely freaked out, as he should be, and the black-eyed crazies drag him over to Maryann, and Daphne has the craziest voice EVER as she joins Maryann and gets the bull head mask ready for her. She puts it on Maryann, who starts talking in that crazy language, and then Weird Butler brings out a big ceremonial knife, and Sam starts SCREAMING LIKE A LOON, and SO DO WE! AHHHHHHHH!

End credits.

I mean REALLY. WHAT THE HELL? Does anybody else feel completely insane after watching that mess? WHOA. At least I am seeing some semblance of the books coming back, and they are really making up for the snore fests we’ve been watching, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?

What did you think?

Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

aka Snape is the Mack Daddy of Harry Potter PWNAGE

Pincers. That's all I have to say.



Kidding.

So, I saw "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," and I'm of two minds about the whole thing.

WARNING WARNING WARNING! SPOILERIFICUS TOTALUS AHEAD!

AHAHA, how can you spoil a movie about a book that has been out for five years? I mean, really? You know you've read the book, so how can it be spoiled?

Anyway...

Let me say this first. I have always been able to separate the movies from the books. I am able to watch the movies and think, "Okay, this is the story that they are telling in the movies. Anything that does not happen in the movie DOES NOT HAPPEN." That is how I've always been able to like the movies.

That being said, I really really really like HBP. There were problems, yes, but no problems that I could not overlook. I enjoyed every minute of it, though it does make me really worry for DH 1 and 2. How are they going to fix everything they've left out of all the other movies that ends up being so important? How can they just expect us to forget everything up to this point? They can't, so they have a lot of scrambling to do to make all of us psychos happy by the time the credits on DH 2 roll. Otherwise, I will be a very angry little Slytherin.

HBP is my favorite of all the Potter books, so I had high expectations, but I wasn't expecting miracles. There is only so much you can do, and just like always, I knew things would be cut--important, wonderful things, but in the end, something has to go, and someone has the unfortunate job of deciding what stays and what goes. Without further ado...

THE GOOD:
--Bellatrix. This movie really should have been called "Harry Potter and the Look How Badass Bellatrix Is" She's just all over the place with her CRAZY CRAZY self, and she is fantastic, especially the Unbreakable Vow scene. GUH.

--Quidditch. AHHHH. I'm so glad that when they finally did bring Quidditch back that they did it right! It was all cool looking, and it was totally brutal, and HEEE GINNY ON A BROOM. Good stuff. I wish there was more Quidditch in the movies. You can never have enough Quidditch.

--Draco. FINALLY this kid gets a chance to show that he can act. It is unbelievable how sorry you feel for him. He does an amazing job, and by the end, when he pulls up his sleeve and shows his Dark Mark, I felt like I was punched in the gut. It was just strangely heart-wrenching that this kid, this poor, poor child had to go through all of this, and he went through it alone. It's just terrible.

--Michael Gambon as Dumbledore. A lot of people have hated this guy since he took over in PoA, but I never did. Of course, at first, I was sad because I wanted the original, but then I realize that he was just fine. I like Michael Gambon a lot and I think he was doing a great job. That was until I saw him making the fire swirl of doom to kill the Inferi and then I FREAKING LOVED HIM. GUH. It was so strangely poetic that he would suddenly show us the greatness of Dumbledore right before he died.

--Slughorn. Jim Broadbent is fantastic, and though I thought he should have been fatter to be Slughorn, and, of course, he didn't have the walrus mustache, he was awesome. I kept thinking of "Moulin Rouge" the whole time though. Unfortunate side-effect of being me. I can never forget other, memorable roles that actors have done, hence the reason I loathe and despise Paul Reiser because he freaking fed Ripley and Newt to the face-huggers. DAMN YOU, PAUL REISER.



THE BAD:
--The Siege of Hogwarts. Oh, you don't remember that part? THAT'S BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. UGH. We get the stupid burning down on the Burrow WHICH IS NOT IN THE BOOK, but yet we don't get the most awesome scene in the book (possibly one of the most awesome in the series)? WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THIS MAKE?

--Lavender Brown. Could there be a more annoying character? She ranks up there with Dobby and Moaning Myrtle. YES, we get it. WE GET THAT THEY ARE TEENAGERS IN LOVE. She was just absolutely EVERYWHERE and so insufferable. I'm not sure if that means it was good casting or what. Either way, GTFO, Lav.

--Snape. So far, every single time that Snape has freaked out in the book has been left out of the movies. This one was especially bad. He and Harry have a freaking duel on the Hogwarts grounds, and there's that lovely DON'T CALL ME COWARD bit, but did we see that? Nope. We saw him totally own Harry with one spell then casually say "I'm the Half-Blood Prince" and then he sauntered off. Why do they insist on keeping him so understated? There is NOTHING understated about Severus Snape, and they're really starting to piss me off with this shit.

--Avada Kedavra. Yeah, it's green, guys. Not blue. Though it might have just been the lighting in the scene because everything looked blue. If that's the case, it should have been SUPER green.

--Harry/Ginny. I do recall there was a bit more description of their relationship in the book. I would have liked to have seen that, honestly. It seemed cheap that most of it was taken out.

--Sirius. Remember how he died in the last movie? Remember how devastated Harry was? NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO. Ugh, I really felt like we should have seen more of Harry's sadness, but I guess there's enough emo going around that we didn't need left over from the movie before. Meh.


THE RANDOM:
--a lot of people are apparently miffed about the Room of Requirement and all that went on in there. On the one hand, it looked exactly as it was supposed to. On the other, if Harry didn't hide the potions book, then he never saw the diadem of Ravenclaw and so in DH, he won't remember having seen it. I'm guessing he'll just go, "Oh, it's probably in the RoR!" I'm okay with that, I guess.

--another complaint was that there was no funeral scene. I honestly don't care about that myself. They got the emotional pay off with the wands to the sky bit, which I liked, actually. I didn't need to sit there for twenty more minutes watching his funeral. It would have been all right had they included it, but I'm not going to yell and throw things just because they left it out.

--Hey, did you know Bill and Fleur are engaged and getting married in DH? Why leave this out? The Death Eaters attacking at the wedding after Kingsley's patronus shows up and tells them about Scrimgeour is AWESOME. Now, I doubt we will see that because there is no mention of them in this movie. I know from paparazzi photos that they have filmed the burial of Dobby at Shell Cottage which is where Bill and Fleur live, so I'm sure they're going to do some fancy work to make it all okay.

--I'm just generally worried about DH 1 & 2. They have a big mess to clean up from all the other movies. There is SO MUCH they have to cover, so it's a good thing we're getting two instead of just one, which honestly, is how GoF and OotP should have been. I have faith in them, but I can still be worried, and I am. Very, VERY worried.


All in all though, I totally loved it. HBP is my favorite of all the books, and though a lot of what made it my favorite was taken out, I still thought this movie was great in the context of all the other movies. You can't be mad at one movie for following the trend set by all the others. Look at them as two separate things, and you'll enjoy them much more.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Never Let Me Go" aka ARE YOU SERIOUS?

True Blood Season 2: “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood…Bill throws Hoyt out for getting all handsy with Jessica and it’s for Hoyt’s protection srsly, guys. Tara tells Maryann she’s going to live with Sookie, and Maryann thinks that idea is hilarious! Sookie also tells Tara she’s going to Dallas because it was a deal to save Lafayette, and Tara didn’t know Lafayette was back, but now she does and she also knows everything that happened to him. Jason gets recruited into the FotS’ crazy vampire extermination squad, and Douche Wife starts putting the moves on him in her sexy little nightgown, and the boys tell Jason she’s a big nasty skank, but Jason doesn’t believe it, ya’ll! Some random guy tries to kidnap Sookie from the airport, but Bill saves the day and finds out that it was the FotS that did it. We also see a flashback to remind us of who made Bill, the horrendous Lorena. AHAHA, we see how Eric came and gave Lafayette the Healing Elixir to make him feel better, presumably because Eric is all “intrigued” by Sookie and wants to get on her good side. Maryann throws Tara a b-day party to remember, Sam and Maryann get all snippy in the kitchen, and Maryann shows us that she is the Bull Man Thing! Sookie meets Barry the Bellboy, who is telepathic like her, but he runs away when she tries to talk to him. Daphne reveals she knows Sam’s secret! Gasp and shock!



We pick back up at the party at Sookie’s Roadhouse, and Sam and Daphne are walking through the woods away from the party, and Sam goes “Uh, what did you say?” Daphne is walking and taking off her clothes, going -_- at Sam, and Sam just keeps on saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and I think he might have even had the nervous AHAHAHAH laugh. Anyway, Daphne goes on about how she could see the loneliness in Sam’s eyes, and how it doesn’t have to be that way, and Sam is STILL going “HUH? WHUT?” but by this time, Daphne is pulling down her dress, and her gross Back of Nasty only slightly diminishes the fact that she has butt cleavage showing that is very cute, and she disappears behind a tree. Sam goes to chase after her, saying “I ain’t in the mood tonight, little girl,” and part of me goes HEEEE, CUTE! And another part of me goes O.O CREEPY. Little girl? Ick and yay! I’m so confused. Sam goes and looks in the bushes where Daphne disappeared, and instead of her, he finds a doe, a deer, a female deer! Sam sort of stares at it and goes, “Well, hey!” as though he has been friends with this deer his entire life and doesn’t realize that it’s Daphne. But then the deer turns into Daphne, and Sam goes O.O in the most hilarious OMG face I’ve ever seen, and we go to credits, so I guess he really didn’t know that it was Daphne. What a dork.

As I said in my voice post, possibly the best before the credits bit yet.

After the credits, Sam is just O.O and completely freaked out, and he’s holding all of Daphne’s clothes and pointing, and he’s just so cute. Anyway, he asks how Daphne found out about him, and it turns out that when Sam and the collie were having their run and jumping into Lake Merlotte, Daphne was being a creepo and watching, and she saw a dog go into the water and Sam come up in it. Sam is all AHAHA, and then Daphne says, “Isn’t this great?” and Sam agrees, but I am a student of the Way of Too Good to Be True, so I can already sense this isn’t going to end well for Sam. A pretty girl who is also a shape-shifter all suddenly in love with him? Yeah, that happens every day. For the moment, I’ll let Sam be cute and enjoy himself. They start kissing, and at that exact moment, Terry and Arlene come stumbling in, and Daphne and Sam go O.O. Sam tries to hide Daphne’s total nakedness, and Daphne says, “Oh, crap. Hand me my drawers.” AHA. Sam tries to play it off, and I just so happened to pause my DVR at just the right time, so you can see that Terry has the biggest cheesiest smile ever, and Arlene just looks SCANDALIZED. Terry’s hair is all messed up and cute, but Arlene still hates Daphne, so Daphne takes that time to run away, and Arlene comments “It’s in the air, I guess.” Sam is all AHAH, and Terry looks like he’s about to freak out and start killing insurgents. He then picks Arlene up and says, “Come on, special lady” and carries her away. HEEE. I love him. I really do. Sam just sort of goes o.O and goes to look for Daphne.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Sookie is still chasing Barry the Bellboy (HI, BARRY!) down the hallway, and I swear to you, he looks like the Busch brothers from NASCAR, and it’s very distracting. Anyway, Barry wants nothing to do with Sookie, but Sookie sees a new BFF, so she is not letting this one get away so easily. As he’s trying to run away, a guy comes zombie-walking up the hallway, his neck all bitten and bloody, and we get our first chance to see what it’s like inside the head of a person who has been hypnovamped. Apparently, it’s “fog and disco music.” Neat. Anyway, after that little interruption, Barry tries to run away again, and Sookie asks him if they’re able to hypnovamp him. Barry says no, but he pretends, which really is kind of smart, except when they want you to do something you don’t want to do and then you show them that you’re not hypnovamped. That is the point, I’d say, they’d kill you. Anyway, Barry seems really freaked out by the whole situation, especially when Sookie mind-asks him if he can hear vampire thoughts, and Barry finally stops and turns around says OMG NO AND DON’T EVEN SAY THAT. Sookie kind of snickers because she didn’t say it, actually.

Barry finally turns around and lays into Sookie. He calls Bon Temps a “fried corn-on-the-cob town,” and tells her that her vampires are lame compared to his because this is Dallas, baby. Oh, Barry. You don’t know Sookie, so you don’t know the mistake you just made. Sookie whips her Cape out from under her fluffy bathrobe, and tells him to watch his tone of voice and NOT to call her “baby.” Barry fills Sookie in on the fact that the Dallas vampires are freaking bad asses, but frankly, if Godric is the only one that we know of that is older than Eric, who is more badass than him? No one I can think of. Anyway, Barry is under the impression that if the vampires knew what he could do, they’d suck him dry, but that doesn’t really make any sense either. I mean, Eric, Pam, Chow, and Bill know what Sookie can do, and she’s just fine. ANYWAY. Barry says he doesn’t want to be Sookie’s BFF and storms away. Sookie just sort of stands in the hallway and goes “UGH!”

Back in the room, Bill is admonishing Jessica for ordering room service, and she points out that, technically, he never said she couldn’t order room service. Bill equates Jessica eating the Meal with him letting her watch porn, which is when Sookie walks in, and Jessica says OMG PORN, SOOKIE, and Sookie goes, “I know. Yuck.” Whatever, Sook. You and Bill make porn together all the time. Bill sends Jessica to her room, and she makes one of those comments that are turning out to be her signature. “You are going to be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.” As soon as Jessica is gone, Bill starts asking Sookie OMG WHERE YOU BEEN, and Sookie LIES right to Bill’s face and tells him she was asking about candy machines and continental breakfasts. Bill does not like this at all, and he tells her she can’t be wandering off because things are Dallas are more complicated than they thought.

Sookie tries to get all cute and gets all up on Bill, telling him how those vampires can’t touch her because every part of her belongs to him. I’m so sure that’s going to stop them, Sook. Sookie tries to be all SEXY SEXY, but Bill totally puts a stop to that for the first time in history. Sookie seems a bit put out by this. Then I get my first LOL of the night. Bill says to Sookie. “Tell me you understand. Promise me you’ll do as I say NOT because I say it but for your own sake.” AHAHA. He makes SURE she knows it’s not because he’s telling her because Bill has enough going on without having to worry about the Cape coming out and smacking him about the neck and shoulders. Sookie comments that she knows there’s a lot of shit going on, and she totally doesn’t want to get beaten up or dead, so she won’t do anything stupid. (RIGHT.) Then Sookie gets that gleam in her eye, and tells Bill to just STFU for once and enjoy their little vacation. Bill is not the type of guy who enjoys anything, so Sookie plays dirty and takes off her robe to show of her little white nightgown, and that gives Bill DERR Face. She pushes him back on the couch and goes on about how the hotel is “LAHT-TAAHT” so they have something to celebrate because they get to spend the whole night together. Okay, so that is kind of cute, I have to admit. They dissolve into making out, and I’m sure SEXY SEX is to follow, but thankfully, we don’t have to see it.

So, in the other room, while her vampire dad is getting it on, Jessica uses her stolen cell phone to call Hoyt, who answers his phone, “You’re talkin’ to the maaan.” AHAHAHA. I should point out, he’s reading a comic book in his bedroom, which is in his mother’s house. Anyway, Jessica is all “You might not remember me…” but Hoyt totally remembers her, and they have a schmoop-off to see who can make us more sick. (I should bring up another point from my voice post. Everybody screams about Bill/Sookie schmoop, but then everything LOVES Hoyt and Jessica and THEIR SCHMOOP IS WORSE.) This is the point when Maxine walks in and starts yelling at Hoyt for having phone calls so late, so Hoyt pushes her out and locks the door, then settles down to do that thing that everybody does when they are fifteen on the phone--let’s watch TV on the phone together, or, I KNOW, I’ll read you my comic book. HOW ROMANTIC. *headdesk*

Over at Cult Camp, we see Jason sleeping peacefully in his bed of MARRIAGE KILLING, and then suddenly, some guy who looks like a more Cro-Magnon version of Mitch Pileggi (Skinner in the HIZZY, YO!) comes in and blows an air horn. Jason flies out of bed, and Cro-Mitch tells him to OMG GET UP AND GET YOUR SWEATS ON FOR JESUS. Outside, the Jesus Warriors are lining up for morning PT? I am not even sure what’s happening here. Is this God Army? I mean, honestly. At least there is an ample portion of Luke pwnage because Luke can eat it. Jason and Luke have a push-up contest, and Jason starts to do one-armed ones, which is pretty hilarious. Cro-Mitch says, “ I pray Jesus isn’t watching this crap today.” I wish I wasn’t watching it either. Oy.

Back at Sookie’s Roadhouse, which has turned into Tara’s House of Lurve, she is waking up with Eggs in her bed (the person, not the food, thankfully, though after that party, who knows) and she has some quiet reflection moments where she puts her ear against Eggs’ chest, presumably to listen to his heart beat. Weird, but okay. Then she turns over and grabs the Photoshop Monstrosity and looks it all lovingly. This is when Eggs wakes up, and they have some morning schmoop where Tara tells Eggs all about how great Gran was. I know I should be happy for Tara, but something about all of this just isn’t right. I’m telling you that Eggs is going to turn out to be some weird Maryann robot who is just there to give Tara what she wants. Hopefully, he will bite it in the end, but probably not.

Anyway, it’s also morning back at Second Worst Photoshop Ever Hotel, and Sookie is waking up beside Bill, and we see her upper girl parts in shadow because we just can’t go an episode without seeing AP’s fantastic nakedness. Bill is all snuggled up with a pillow because he’s used to sleeping in the dirt under his house. It’s sort of cute. Remember how Sookie said she wasn’t going to do anything stupid? Well, she doesn’t either because she totally sneaks out of the hotel room and goes down to bother Barry some more. I mean, it’s not like the vampires are going to be up to bother her or anything, but so far, most of Sookie’s troubles have come from non-vampire folk.

Downstairs, Barry is setting up the continental breakfast, and Sookie, who apparently has never stayed in a hotel ever, thinks the continental breakfast should be more continental. Grouchy Pants Barry grumbles, “Well, the danishes are Danish, and they’re free.” OMG FREE? Sookie is very excited about this, but let’s face it, I would be, too, because I love free stuff. No matter what it is. If it’s free, I want it. Sookie tries to get down to business, but Barry still wants nothing to do with her. Sookie just doesn’t get this point, and she’s sort of becoming an annoying stalker. We find out it’s because Barry is a saddo about his ability. He thinks it’s a curse, and he’s never really figured out how to block people out so he’s a little crazy. Barry forever has a place in my heart because of one moment in this scene. Sookie is babbling on about…well, who even knows what…but she says, “But lately, since I met my boyfriend…” and Barry rolls his eyes and goes -_-. HA HA, Barry, that is how we all feel these days.

Just then, some hideously awful fang banger’s thoughts come into Sookie and Barry’s heads, and she’s going on about getting her girl parts waxed, and Barry is all O.o and Sookie tries to help him learn to shut her out by jabbering on inside his head a million miles a minute. Barry looks like his head is going to explode, and, thankfully, the fang banger walks over to interrupt. Barry starts to walk off with her, but Sookie is not to be deterred, and she grabs Barry’s arm and tells him he can control it and that she can be his teacher. Poor Barry is just overwhelmed, so he tells Sookie to GTFO and then runs away. Sookie settles for taking a banana and goes back up to her room, defeated but not beaten.

Back upstairs, Sookie changes into a nightgown and tries to crawl back into bed with Bill before he wakes up, but of course, he does wake up, and we find out why we don’t see vampires in the day time. WHOA. Bill looks completely haggard and scary--I mean, more than usual--and he, of course, gets the mega-hump about Sookie wandering off into the hotel. She tells him about Barry, and then Bill gripes at her for telling Barry what he is, but Sookie just does not see why this is a problem. Barry is a grouch, and Sookie thinks he’s harmless, but Bill goes on and on about how everybody knowing about Sookie’s mind-melding makes it harder for him to keep her safe. Sookie has had about enough of this talk, and she gets on her soapbox about how she is SO great at mind-melding, and if she was just supposed to come to Dallas to be quiet and take orders that she might as well be back at Shithole Bar and Grill serving beer. What? How does that analogy even work? Sookie makes my head hurt when she tries to be intelligent. Sookie reminds Bill that he’s the one who told her she’s more than just a waitress. OH, so it’s BILL’S fault we have to deal with her this way! DAMN YOU, BILL.

Actually, if I remember correctly, and I’d like to think I do, when Bill said that, it was in a totally different context, but whatever. Bill knows this is a lost cause, so he gets all pouty and sits up, and Sookie is all OMG BILL TALK TO ME. Uh oh, she’s starting that thing that women do that makes men run away. But Bill is no ordinary man, and he starts on about how he’s supposed to keep Sookie and Jessica safe, but none of the decisions that are made are his. WELCOME TO LIFE, BILL. Sookie pipes up and is all AHAH LIKE A HUMAN? But Bill says NO, LIKE A WAITRESS. AHAH, owned, Sookie. Sookie makes a stupid reply of “You’re walking in my shoes, and it’s giving you blisters.” Like Sookie’s shoes as a telepathic waitress are just SO uncomfortable and you have to have SUCH SKILL to walk in them. OMG STFU, Sookie. I’m not saying it’s not hard to be a waitress. It totally is. But there are harder things, like, I don’t know BEING A VAMPIRE IN A HATEFUL AND BIGOTED WORLD WHERE YOU ARE HUNTED FOR YOUR BLOOD? Ugh. Sookie is really testing my patience anymore.

Then Bill brings up that Eric is “strangely intense” about everything that’s going on, and that makes Bill nervous. Sookie is all PFFT WHATEVS AT ERIC, but Bill reminds her that he is a crazy badass who doesn’t care about anybody. His exact words are something like, “What’s it to him to break a contract with a girl?” And Sookie goes -_- and flaps her Cape about and says “A WOMAN.” Bill actually laughs. Go, Bill! Sookie says that Eric needs her (HEE!) and that he won’t want to make her mad. AHAHAHA WHUT? I’m so sure Sookie is SOOO SCARY when she’s mad that Eric will be nice to her. I THINK NOT. Bill then tries to get all serious again, saying he can’t lose Sookie, and Sookie answers that he never will, and their love violins start playing, but it’s really hard to take them seriously because they are underneath a purple comforter. A VELVET, PURPLE COMFORTER.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is sitting down smoking and drinking a soda while Daphne is working, and they get into a little spat. Terry walks in, and Arlene is all HEY, BABY, BABY, and Terry just sort of goes o.O at her. Awww, Terry. They then give him a PTSD moment about making some ice tea, and…

This is the point where I went back and read what I had written, and now I totally get Sookie’s attempt at analogy because ALL waitresses do is shut up and take orders! So, actually, it is a good analogy, but WTFever, Sookie. You’re getting paid to work, not to have a brain, so STFU.

Anyway! Arlene chases after Terry to make him feel better, and Sam comes out, so he and Daphne get all googly eyed at each other. Sam asks her why she ran off, and she tells him she always needs a run after a shift, and that she thought she had blown his mind enough for one night, I mean, with all the shifting and nakedness. Sam is all NUH UH, and I am more and more sad by Daphne’s inevitable betrayal. I just feel it coming. Arlene is being all nosy about this, but as Daphne is walking away, Arlene goes O.O and YAY, it’s Lafayette! He is looking his fabulous self, and wants to talk to Sam. This should be interesting.

Except that it’s not. Lafayette doesn’t tell him a damn thing. He just wants to know if he can have his job back. Sam tries to have a big fight with him, but Lafayette really doesn’t say a word, and in the end, Sam gives him his job back, of course. Meanwhile, Lafayette looks totally pretty, and I love him, but there’s something about this scene that is off-putting. He was just sort of blah and sad, and that is not the Lafayette we saw last week who was humping a chair. I hope he gets himself worked out AND FAST.

Back at Vampire Killing Boot Camp, Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch are chasing the recruits around in a Gator, going on about being out of ammo and vampires chasing them. The whole thing is just insane. Just then, some loser guy falls down, and Jason tries to get him to get back up while Luke just leaves him behind. Jason warns him to pace himself, and Luke is all AHAH THIS IS MY PACE. Jason grumbles and catches back up, leaving the loser behind, and Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch zoom on past him, too.

In the kitchen of Guests That Won’t Leave, Maryann is cutting up fruit, and there is fruit EVERYWHERE. Where does she get it all? I mean, this is ridiculous. Do they eat anything else? Tara comes in and sees her and is all o.O about why she is still there, and Maryann drops the bomb that she, Eggs, and Weird Butler are going to stay there and live with her! YAY! Tara does not think this is YAY because doesn’t Maryann have that big beautiful house? Maryann reveals that no, it wasn’t her house, it was a client’s house and he came home from Peru or something. What? What? A client? What kind of client? So Maryann is homeless? What the hell is this? Tara feels the same way and tells Maryann that they can’t stay there. It is, after all, Sookie’s house. When Tara tells her this, Maryann gets all hurt and upset and storms out. Isn’t that how it always is? People claim to do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but when they want something in return and you can’t give it, they get all pissed off. In Maryann’s case, it’s probably not such a good idea to piss her off, though.

Tara goes into the living room where Eggs is playing the guitar, and Tara is all like WTF? Eggs is like oh, yeah, we’re homeless, but if you don’t want us to move in, whatevs. Tara is just flabbergasted, and now she wants to know just what the hell is going on. She’s mad about being lied to, and then she asks what the hell Eggs’ deal is with Maryann. “I’m not her dog” he says, and I say AH HA! A clue! Eggs tells Tara it’s really about her being so messed up from having a crazy alcoholic mom that she doesn’t know what family is. I beg to differ, sir. She has horrible Photoshop proof that she knows what family is! Then Eggs gets all huffy and huffs out. Poor Tara.

Back at Cult Camp, they’re making the recruits climb a fence, and when Luke can’t do it, Cro-Mitch is all OMG YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD ON THE OTHER SIDE, and Jason loves this shit so much that when Luke fails, Jason jumps up on the fence and gives Luke a hand up, telling him he can do it. Luke hates it, but he takes Jason’s hand, and Jason proceeds to push him off the fence. AHAHA, Jason 2, Luke 0. I should note that Douche Wife is all HEY BABY, BABY during all of this.

And now the part everyone has been waiting for! ERIC! We’re in some fancy house, and I can only assume that the two other vampires in the room are Stan and Isabel. Stan is just as hilarious as I always imagined, and the chick who plays Isabel was on The Dresden Files, and I hated her, so I hate her on principle. Sookie, meanwhile, is wearing yet another hilarious outfit, and it is a dress that looks like it’s made of a huge red bandana. Her hair is a tragedy, and I just have to laugh myself silly at the styling going on here. I mean, what? Eric is all pacing and bitchy, asking if they are sure Godric was kidnapped by the FotS, but the Isabel and Stan can’t agree. Stan wants to annihilate the FotS, but Isabel is all “OHH, vampire hating church annihilated…wonder who did it.” BWUAHA, good times. Bill goes on about how the King of Texas wouldn’t like it, but Stan doesn’t care, and Isabel mentions this isn’t the time for a power play. Hmm…

This is when Eric freaks right the fuck out and is all OMG YOU ARE INCOMPETENT. Stan and Isabel are all o.O THE FUCK? Isabel reminds Eric they only invited him to be nice and that he has no say in Texas. Stan is all AHAH YEAH take your puppets and go home. Eric is all UH, NO, and Sookie has to flap her Cape and point out that she is no one’s puppet (except, she totally is.) Bill tries to diffuse the situation by coming up with a plan. Stan says he has a plan because OMG THIS IS WAR, and Eric just goes IDIOTS and dramatically stalks from the room.

Back at the Mansion that Jesus built, we see Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife having an argument while Cro-Mitch tries not to hear. Obviously, Douche Wife is not happy with the status of her home life, and she thinks Reverend Douche is getting all insane about Jesus Boot Camp and not paying enough attention to her. Aww, poor Douche Wife. Jason comes downstairs at that moment, and Douche Wife is all OMG JASON! They act like nothing is wrong, and they tell Jason that he’s risen to the next level. When Jason asks what that is, Reverend Douche grabs him up and leads him off to show him. Douche Wife is all “I’ll go too!” but Reverend Douche says WE GOT THIS. Douche Wife goes ;_;

On the way down to the super secret room, Reverend Douche is all OMG MARRIAGE YUCK. Jason is slightly scandalized by this, but Reverend Douche is all never mind about that. Look what we have! LOTS OF GUNS! Guns, flamethrowers, bows and arrows--it’s just a mess of weapons for vampire killing. This place just went from hilarious to totally frightening. Reverend Douche mentions they’ve got a guillotine on order, except he pronounces it “gill-o-teen” which makes me hate him a little bit more. Not to mention Jason, who picks up a rocket launcher and joins in on the fun. *SIGH* Unbelievable.

Outside Shithole Bar and Grill, Maryann and Weird Butler pull up, but Maryann tells him they aren’t going inside. She stares all intensely at the bar with laser beam eyes. Uh oh. Inside, everything starts to go to hell. Apparently, along with working everybody into a SEXY SEXY frenzy, Maryann can also make them fight. Everybody starts screaming and yelling at Tara, and the whole thing would be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t so sad and terrible for Tara. Arlene is probably the most hilarious one of all of them, which is saying a lot since I hate her. Anyway, finally Tara has had enough after we hear TARA! TARA! TARA! TARA! Like a million times, and she tells everybody OMG FUCK YOU and goes to the end of the bar to collect herself. Outside, Maryann looks like she just had an orgasm and says, “We’re done.” and they drive away. OOOH, BITCH.

Back in the tackiest bathroom ever, Jason is having a bath, when suddenly, Douche Wife sneaks in! Jason is all O.O, but we have seen this coming for a while now. After a moment of her smooth talking, where she talks about Mary Magdalene and Jesus and shows off her SEXY SEXY bath poof, Jason totally gives in, and he gets a Holy Handjob. Honestly, though, from the way Douche Wife was acting, I don’t know that this is a normal thing for her. She seemed nervous, and she looks like she genuinely likes Jason as more than just a friend, not just somebody to jump. Eh, either way, WHORE.

Back at Stan’s House of Terrible Plans, Stan is going on about his terrible plan of killing everyone in the FotS, and Isabel is screaming back at him about what an idiot he is, and in the middle of their little spat, Eric shows his incredible skill of PWNING random décor by violently destroying a vase, and FREAKING out. He’s all, “OMG GODRIC IS AWESOME AND YOU GUYS SUCK.” ASkars’ accent starts to slip out when he’s angry and yelling, and I LOVE IT. Bill tries to cut in to, again, diffuse the argument, mentioning that HELLO, YOU HAVE A TRAITOR. Sookie remembers she is in the room after staring at Eric all O.O for about a year and reminds them that she was totally almost kidnapped, ya’ll. Bill mentions that they were the only people who knew that Sookie was coming, and they start accusing each other until Sookie gets fed up and decapitates them all with her Cape.

She tells them that is going to infiltrate the FotS, and Bill goes OMG NO, and Eric is like SHUT IT, BILL. Sookie tells them it’s totally easy, and nobody knows who she is so they’ll never suspect. She’ll sneak it, listen to people’s thoughts, and then be gone. Because, yes, everything on this show goes as planned, especially things that Sookie plans. Stan is tired of this nonsense, so he puts on his cowboy hat and is OUT, YO. Isabel agrees that it’s probably the easiest way to get what they want, and Eric makes the proclamation that Sookie is going to do it, and that is that. Bill looks properly bitch slapped, and he asks Eric for a word. They slip off together, and Bill finally gets down to it. He is all WTF ERIC? Remember the Bull Man Thing? Everything is crazy! Eric just keeps that same face he always has, and Bill asks “All this for a colleague?” WTF IS UP WITH YOU AND GODRIC. Eric gets that slack-jawed face everybody gets when they’re about to have a flashback, and…

FLASHBACK! We see three SEXY SEXY Vikings, completely with furry boots and shields, and one of them is Eric, and they’ve obviously been in a pretty rough battle because Eric is messed up big time. The other two lay him down, and I swear it looks like he’s wearing and old-timey version of his black tank top. I almost laughed myself silly. Anyway, Eric is all OMG LEAVE ME, I AM FINISHED, and the Vikings just be Vikings and talk about Valhalla and beer and women, and they’re like AHAHA ERIC LOVES WOMEN. So, they pick him up and take him to camp, and he’s laying there totally dying, when suddenly, some crazy THING starts running around totally killing all of his men. I mean, it is blood fountains everywhere, and Eric is all o.O, and then we FINALLY get to see Godric.

And this is when I had to pause because I couldn’t stop laughing. Godric looks like he’s about twelve, and he’s all covered with tattoos, and he looks like a twink at a rave. I mean, SRSLY? This is the guy who made the awesomeness that is Eric? A RAVER TWINK? AHAHAHAHA, I love this show. Anyway, Godric is looking at Eric like he’s totally in love with him, and he goes on about how he watched him on the battlefield and how he’s OMG SO MAGNIFICENT. I mean, this guy is seriously crushing on Eric like there is no tomorrow. Eric takes a moment to bitch about his men getting killed, and even on his death bed, he’s totally awesome and says he would totally fight Godric for killing his men. That’s when Godric is like HEY BABY, BABY, and is all “Wanna be my companion?”

Again, tons of lulz for me because Godric makes this speech how he will be Eric’s father, brother, and child (AND LOVER AHAHA), and in classic(!) Eric fashion, Eric’s response is, “What’s in it for me?” AHAHA. Of course, he agrees because this means he gets to live, and Godric bites him, and Eric is all >.<, and then we flashback to present time, and Eric is all emo and answers Bill by telling him that Godric is his maker. That is so not what Bill was expecting, and Eric sort of looks down all ;_; because his daddy is missing.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, it’s closing time, and since only Sam and Daphne are left, we can assume it’s also SEXY SEX time. They start talking about what it’s like to shift, and apparently, it involves a lot of pressure on their neither regions. Wow, sounds like fun. O.o. Anyway, they start getting naked on the pool table, and then…I shit you not, this is what is said.

Sam: Well, are you going to say it, or should I?
Daphne: Say what?
Sam: Nice rack.
Daphne: Nice balls.

OMG SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? *stabstabstab*

Anyway, back at Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill are walking back in, and she stops him and says she has some human business to attend to. She goes over to the counter and asks if Barry is working, but the receptionist says that Barry quit. AHAHA, way to go, Sook.

Tara comes in after her disastrous day at work, and we have the second ARE YOU SERIOUS moment of the show. Maryann, the guest who will not leave, is sitting at the kitchen table DRESSED IN AN APRON LIKE GRAN. She is even reading a book, and I’m pretty sure that book was called HOMESICK. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! Tara is wigged out by this, too, and Maryann makes sure that Tara knows they went and looked at houses but they couldn’t find anything but they’d be out by morning. Oh, by the way, Tara, Maryann also put all your favorite things in the fridge and made you dinner. *headdesk* This is when Tara, of course, tells her that she doesn’t want her to go, and says that she will call Sookie and it will be all right OMG PLZ STAY. Oh, that Maryann is a sneaky bitch.

Then we’re back in the Room of I Hate Vampires But I Am One, Bill is going on about how stupid and petty Stan and Isabel are because they live together, and Sookie starts going on about how Bill isn’t like that because he has a heart even though it doesn’t beat. She says there wasn’t another vampire in that room that could say that they are able to love, but AHAHAHA, HOW WRONG SHE IS. Bill wants to sneak back home, but Sookie says no because she gave her word to Eric. Bill then starts on about how if anything happens to Sookie at the FotS, but she shuts him right up and tells him it’s no big deal. Then of course, she has to put the moves on him, and Bill says that it’s been a long night, and she doesn’t have to…you know…because he’d be satisfied to simply hold her. HEE, Bill is being cute, but Sookie has to ruin it because OMG SHE WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED. She wants him “every which way.” Sookie has turned into such a nympho, and, of course, their love violins start, and they get down to business.

But then…walking down another hall, we see…LORENA! NOOO, and she hears what’s going on in that room, and she gets this look in her eye that cannot mean good things for Sookie. OH NOES!

End.


Next week, YAY PAM!


THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE BOOKS, SO IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS FOR UPCOMING STUFF, DO NOT READ IT!

The little promo for next week shows what I think is Eric having summoned Lorena to show up in Dallas. I do not like this idea if that is indeed what we are seeing. It seems like he’s trying to push a wedge between Bill and Sookie, and those of us who have read the books know that this is not how it happened. What happens between Bill and Sookie is free of Eric, and that is what makes it so horrible. If he is using Lorena to get between Bill and Sookie…I’m not sure I can forgive the producers. That is just such a cheap way to go. We’ll see, I suppose, but I am worried.

3 Year Olds = Meth Addicts

So, it is now day two of Potterpalooza, and yesterday, I learned what a slice of life with a three-year old is like.

It is like dealing with a tiny meth addict.

OMG. I've known this little boy since he was a zygote, and since I only get to see him at three or four month intervals, it's pretty interesting to see how he changes from the last time I saw him. Last time, he was this little talking, walking thing who called me Auntie Brooke.

Now, he is a tornado...a tornado of screaming, throwing things, and running around like a lunatic, but still calling me Auntie Brooke.

PHEW. Last night, we went to the grocery to get stuff for me to make Potter cookies--okay, they're just cookies, but for this weekend, they are POTTER cookies. In the grocery store, it was impossible for me to keep my eye on him. One minute, he's poking the bags of marshmallows, the next he's at the end of the aisle. It's exhausting.

The no bake cookies turned out to be a disaster. I'm not sure what happened. I've made them four quadrillion times, but this time, they just didn't come out right. They crumbled like no other. Maja claims I used too much oats, but I did what the recipe said, like I always do, and just...tragedy. *SIGH* I'm trying again today with the chocolate peanut butter chip ones, and THEY BETTER TURN OUT RIGHT.

We also went to the Gattitown last night. AHAHAHAHA, what possessed me to suggest taking a three-year old to a place like that? It was uber-crowded, but OMG THE PIZZA. Who knew you could put coconut on a pizza? I DID NOT, BUT NOW I DO. Then we played games for about four million hours, all the while surrounded by an entire room of little meth addicts, just running around and screaming and getting prizes for throwing things.
Whoever came up with that place...I'd really like to fong them right in the nards.

Anyway, today is the day we see the movie, and at this moment, it is 9:47 in the morning, and I am preparing to make cookies. Tonight is also #1 China Buffet. Isn't that the greatest name? Though, of course, you couldn't call it #2 China Buffet. That wouldn't be very appealing.

Work = FAIL

Me: 911, where is your emergency?
Woman: [blah blah blah street]
Me: Okay, what's going on?
Woman: My house got broken into. The front door is broken a little.
Me: All right, have you noticed anything missing yet?
Woman: Well...yes.
Me: ...okay, what's missing?
Woman: This is going to sound so crazy, but I'm OCD. I'm a hoarder, and somebody came into my house and stole all of my food.
Me: ...
Woman: I mean, it's all gone. Who would do this to somebody?
Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* Okay, is there anything else missing?
Woman: Well, I took my trash out yesterday and there was only a little in the can this morning when I left, and now that is gone, too.
Me: (O.O) Someone took your trash?
Woman: Well, took it out. There's an empty bag in it now, but the trash is gone.
Me: I'm not sure that I've ever heard anything like this.
Woman: I know! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't be laughing!
Woman: Why not? It's really funny. AHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Okay, so it's just the food and the trash then?
Woman: AHAHAHA, yes. They took everything. Even my mustard packets from the drawer where I save them.
Me: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Woman: You must think I'm so crazy!
Me: No, no, not at all.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Shake and Fingerpop" aka WHUUUT?

True Blood Season 2: Shake and Fingerpop

Previously on True Blood…WE HAD TO WAIT TWO WEEKS. Ahem, anyway, last time on True Blood a gross Bull Man Thing attacked Sookie and gave her the Back of Nasty, Bill came to the rescue, we were reminded AGAIN that the sheriff of area 9 has been kidnapped and his name is Godric, Sookie found Lafayette in the basement of Fangtasia, and no, he wasn’t a vampire. Sookie screams at Eric for keeping Lafayette prisoner, and Eric just sort of yawns at her. Douche Wife tells Jason that he’s “special,” and she even whips out her pudding for him! Maryann has a big skanky orgy party at her house, and Tara finally realizes that something strange is afoot at the Circle K. Sookie asks Tara to move in, and Maryann doesn’t like this one bit. Sam’s going to leave town, and he’s put Terry(!) in charge, but he’s sidetracked by Daphne who has her own Back of Nasty. Reverend Douche Newlin brainwashes Jason even more. Hoyt and Jessica make a lurve connection, but Bill walks in while they’re making out and starts throwing people around the room! Sookie makes a deal with Eric to go to Dallas and help him find Godric, you know, THE SHERIFF OF AREA 9 WHO IS MISSING? Did you forget about him? The deal is that he’ll let Lafayette go, and he does, but Lafayette is all traumatized. Poor Lafayette.

So, we pick back up at Cult Camp, and it’s all dark and scary, and Jason is walking the deserted grounds all o.O He goes into the dorm where he’s been staying, and *GASP* EVERYONE IS DEAD OMG! Except even in the brief moments we see, it’s so obvious that everyone is covered with ketchup to make it look like they’ve been eaten by vampires, so either this is some kind of weird training simulation or the guys in the dorm are playing a joke on Jason. All the sudden, a dark and shadowy figure jumps on Jason from behind, and he sounds just like Jason did when he was pretending to be a vampire attacking Dawn the Formerly Hot One. The best part is that the “vampire” says something like “I can smell that hot blood right under your skin, and, Cowboy, you smell AWESOME.” BWUAHAHA. It’s obviously the Lukeanator.

The lights come on, and everybody is all AHAHAHAHA, and I was right, it was Luke. Jason is like -_- and his lip is split open, but he’s taking the whole thing surprisingly well. He’s all “oh, AHAHA, very funny, vampires are scary.” Then Luke asks Jason how his lip is, and Jason asks Luke how his nose is. When Luke goes ‘Huh?,’ Jason totally punches him in the face. It is a moment of pure awesome. Jason then pulls off his clip-on tie and starts to have some weird soapbox moment, and he is TOTALLY channeling Reverend Douche Newlin. It’s a little disturbing.

Cue opening credits. For some reason, I feel like this episode is going to be HILARIOUS.

Once we’re back, we find ourselves at the Old Compton House right where we left Bill, Sookie, Jessica, and Hoyt. Bill is FREAKING out as Hoyt is buttoning up his pants, Jessica is all EEP, and Sookie is flailing around, trying to make sure that Bill doesn’t kill anybody. Instead, Bill gives us this line of awesome.

Sookie: Let’s everybody calm down!
Hoyt: That’s a good idea.
Bill: Are you going to leave, or am I going to throw you out…through a window…that is closed?
Sookie: BILL! That is just RUDE.
Bill: Sookie, I’ve got this.

BWUAHAHAHAHAHA. I knew it was going to be a hilarious episode, but I didn’t expect this much awesome in the first five minutes! Anyway, Hoyt decides it’s a good time to GTFO, and Bill tells him that it’s not Jessica he was protecting because baby vampire fangs are so much worse than Momma Boy Man Parts. Jessica is all MORTIFIED and her fangs look totally huge and fake, but Hoyt smiles and says he doesn’t believe Bill, and Jessica is all TEE HEE.

Bill gets all grouchy and reminds Jessica that there was to be no hunting in the house, and we are like OMG DUDE SHE WAS NOT GOING TO EAT HIM. Jessica tells Bill that she knows he feels like shit for making her, and he SHOULD, but she had never kissed a boy before so she would have been happy to just kiss him the whole night. Sookie, meanwhile, is not being very supportive, because you can tell she’s totally on Jessica’s side. Not a month ago, she was the same way until the Tornado of Sex and Fangs came into her life and sexed her up. Anyway, Bill looks very uncomfortable about this discussion, then Jessica brings up the way her fangs come out when she’s turned on, and in the middle of it, she realizes her fangs are out, and she covers them and giggles and runs away. For a SPLIT SECOND, she is not so terrible.

Sookie agrees because she comments that she thinks she’s going to like Jessica. Bill rains on her parade, as always, and tells her that they can’t be girlfriends because she is…and Sookie cuts in and says A VAMPIRE, YO. I GET IT. AHAHAHAHA. Finally. Sookie thinks they should take Jessica with them to Dallas for some bonding or something. Sookie makes the observation that she thinks Bill doesn’t really like vampires too much even though he is one, and Bill gives this petulant little OMG SO and gives us even more lulz by saying “I’m a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented.” What is up with Bill’s awesomeness so far in this ep? I’m loving it. Anyway, Sookie tells Bill he is not just a vampire, and that he can show Jessica how to also walk the line between vampire and human. Bill keeps the lulz coming by replying, “Yeah, because I have mastered that.” HEE!

And here is where I go off on a small tangent. This is the attitude that gets Sookie in trouble because the bottom line is, he is A VAMPIRE, YO. She gets all hurt and upset when vampirey things happen, but she is dating a vampire. It gives her this false sense of security, and that is why she’s all OMG ERIC IS GROSS. NO, Eric is not gross. ERIC IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Bill is some kind of race traitor, and Sookie likes that, but it protects her from the realities of the universe in which she is living, and that sets her up for disaster. It is one of the things I have always disliked about Sookie’s perception of Bill. But anyway…

The nub and gist of this conversation, that begins with the Sookie/Bill love theme of violins, is that it was different when Bill was made a vampire, so he’s having some doubts about his ability to raise Jessica right. Great. One more thing for Bill to be all emo about. He says he envies Jessica because of when she was made, but then he gives in and says Jessica can come along. Sookie gets all girly about how it’s their first trip together, and I really thought she was going to say “…as a family” and then I would have had to barf. Bill is all whatevs, and Sookie brings up that she was almost killed the night before AGAIN, and I guess Bill feels guilty about that, which he should not, and he sort of hugs her and kisses her forehead. Hee.

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and Daphne are having their naked midnight swim. They wax poetic about how great it is to swim in the dark and how there are no people around, and honestly, I yawned through this whole thing. I do not like Daphne, and I didn’t like her before we saw her Back of Nasty. Sam makes the comment that Bon Temps is like paradise, and Daphne, like us, go AHAH WHUT? Then Sam brings up how he’s actually totally going to leave this paradise town, and he shoots down the idea of moving to a shit because people lose touch with nature? What? Sam, I’m not following you here. Daphne is with me because she suddenly says she wants some pancakes from a truck stop, and Sam is reluctant, but Daphne tells him she has seen boy parts before. HA! She stole my word! Anyway, Daphne climbs out of the water, and Sam gets a look at her Back of Nasty and just sort of goes o.O. My first response would be WHOA, WOMAN, WTF? But no, Sam just goggles a little bit, and we move on.

Back at Maryann’s House of Never-ending Fruit, Tara is on the phone with Sookie, and it seems like the orgy last night was too much, and she’s decided to move in with Sookie. Ruh-roh. Maryann isn’t going to like this. Tara looks really beautiful for some reason, and she’s all cry face on the phone with Sookie just as Maryann walks in. There’s some Middle Eastern music playing, and Maryann is dressed like she belongs in Morocco, and I just don’t get this bitch. Is she Greek? Is she Persian? What the hell is she? And why the hell is she on my show? Anyway, Tara spills the beans that she is GingTFO, and Maryann plays it off like, “Oh, no! I will miss you so much!” But we know she is thinking “THAT SOOKIE BITCH WILL DIE.” Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs that she left, then she gives Maryann a hug and thanks her. I wouldn’t thank her so fast, Tara, because as Tara walks away, Maryann gets her laser beam eyes going. This isn’t going to end well.

In the Cult Camp mess hall, Jason is having a discussion with the Lukeanator and some other random guys about Bible Lazarus being a vampire, and maybe even Jesus being a vampire. Hmm, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. The whole time Jason is running his stupidly adorable mouth, you can see Luke and all the other guys hatehatehating him so much. Random Guy says that the first vampire was Cain, and that is why being a vampire is the Mark of Cain because they brought the first evil into the world. But Luke is quick to correct him, and I can already hear the misogyny brewing inside him. Luke reminds us that NO, Eve was the source of the first evil, and that is why it is called E-VIL. BWUAHA. At least the Lukeanator is good for laughs. Then Jason burns him by saying that Eve eating the apple wasn’t evil, it was just skirting the rules. “Evil is making the PRE-MEDICATED choice to be a dick.” AHAHAHA. Oh, Jason, you are KEELING me. After this proclamation, the loudspeaker goes off and Jason is being summoned outside to meet with Reverend Douche Newlin. As he’s leaving, the Lukeanator makes some thinly veiled threat about God making sure evil gets punished, and Jason answers, “Oh, yeah? Then explain Europe to me.” AHAHAH, whut?

Jason goes outside and gets WOO HOOed by some random Cult Camp sluts, and we see that Reverend Douche is sitting in a Gator with some kind of handgun paintball gun type thing. Jason is all O.O “Am I in trouble?” and Reverend Douche is all OMG WE’RE ALL IN TROUBLE FROM VAMPIRES. He starts up the Gator as Jason climbs in, and they ride away together. Does anyone else get the vibe that Reverend Douche wants to do unholy things with Jason?

Back at Sookie’s House of Cryface Girly Time, she’s telling Tara about their living arrangements, and she gives Tara her birthday present. Tara opens it, and it’s that HORRIFIC Photoshop monstrosity of the two of them with Gran. Then the tears and hugging start about how much they both miss Gran. Yes, girls, you have a great way of showing it. Tara finally asks why they picked Dallas for their first trip together, and Sookie tries to lie, but Tara is a lie detector and busts her out about the vampires wanting to use her mind meld ability. Tara asks her why she is with Bill if he makes her do things like this because the sex can’t be that good, but Sookie assures her it is and OMG I LUV HIM. Then Sookie makes the most ironically hilarious statement EVER. “You can’t just sit around, saving your heart for some perfect idea of a man who’s never going to come along.” Excuse me.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHUUUUUUUUT?

This from Sookie? REALLY? In that instant, I hate her. I hate her hypocrisy and her contradiction. I hate her naïveté, and I hate her acting as though she is the expert at everything. I just HATE her.

And then she whips out her Cape and tells Tara that Bill isn’t making her do anything, and I love her again. *sigh* Oh, Sook, you fickle mistress of my emotions. She tells Tara that she agreed to go to Dallas to save Lafayette, and it’s Tara’s turn to go, “Um, whut?” Apparently, Tara didn’t know that Lafayette was back, and Sookie just sort of goes, “AHAHA, oops?”

Over at Creepy Mike Spencer’s Office of Mutilation, we get a good look at Lady Voodoo aka Miss Jeanette’s corpse, and we see that she, too, has Back of Nasty! OOH, the plot thickens. Creepy Mike Spencer notes that there have been panther sightings, but Sheriff Bud says the cuts are too wide for a panther. Creepy Mike Spencer also tells us that there is nasty poison in the wounds, and that it probably paralyzed her while the heart was cut out. The heart-cutting was done by a knife, and so Bud declares that unless a panther learned how to use a hunting knife, they are looking for an animal-human collaboration. Bwuaha, Bud. Sometimes, he is great. Kenya is also there, and she doesn’t think it’s very funny. Detective Andy busts in at that moment, and he is looking very rough. He wants to ask Kenya about the pig that Tara said she saw, but Kenya tells him that she never saw any pig. Andy says that he saw the pig in a dollhouse, which is hilarious because it’s true. Andy is apparently drunk, and he bitches at Bud. Bud decides that since Andy is an alcoholic again he wants his badge. Andy is very sad and pathetic, but eventually he gives up the badge and shuffles out. I actually feel bad for Andy, but hi, it’s totally his fault.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Self-Medication, we see our boy is just in a bad way. He’s watching TV all sad and curled up on his couch with his hideous afghan, and, as is the norm at Lafayette’s house, somebody starts banging on the door. He looks terrified for a moment, but then I guess he realizes it’s day time, and he hears Tara start yelling, so he hauls himself up off the couch to go let her in. Tara is OUTRAGED that he didn’t call her first thing, and Sookie has apparently told Tara everything that happened to her cousin. Lafayette insists again that he doesn’t go to the hospital, and Tara is feeling very needy and sad, so she tells Lafayette she is going to stay and take care of him. Lafayette doesn’t like this plan, and he finally tells her that he doesn’t have it in him to take care of her. Tara looks a little hurt for a second, then she gets up and stalks out with a parting, “If you die, I’m going to be really pissed.” HEE. When these two are together, it is nothing but magic.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is carrying in some vegetables, and Terry is all o.O because Sam was supposed to be gone. Terry is all OMG are you going or not? Sookie comes up and asks if there are any lunch specials, and we can see that Terry is about to flip out. He gets all upset when Sookie mentions he forgot the corn chips last time he made jailhouse chili, and Terry finally declares that whatever he makes will be called Scrambled Terry Scramble. I love him. Terry tells Sookie he’s not sure if he can handle running the place when Sam leaves, and Sookie is confused, and at that moment, Sam walks out of the fridge, and Sookie gets all huffy because OMG U DIDN’T TELL ME. Sam blows her off, but Sookie is not one to be deterred by people running away from her. She chases him out back, and she makes it all about her, as usual. Sam tells her that he doesn’t have time to make her feel better because he has serious shit going on. Sookie gets all OUTRAGED because SHE has serious shit to deal, and oh yeah, can I be off for a few days? Sam is acting like a 12 year old girl and says FINE OMG I WON’T BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK. She then, again, makes it about her and huffs about throwing away years of friendship and blah, blah, blah. Sam is so done with Sookie’s nonsense, and I have to cheer for that.

Back at Cult Camp, it seems the Reverend Douche Newlin has taken Jason on some kind of vampire training simulation wherein he drives like a maniac through the woods, and Jason shoots these wooden vampires that pop up with his paintball gun. Men. I don’t get it. They finally come to a stop, and Reverend Douche congratulations Jason on being totally awesome. They are both wearing hats that say L.O.D.I. which makes me laugh for some reason. Reverend Douche tells Jason that if you shoot a vampire with wooden bullets, they explode…or so he hears. Jason corrects him and says that it’s more like a water balloon bursting. To find out that Jason has actually seen a vampire get staked makes Reverend Douche go *_____* and now he truly is in love with Jason.

Tara is laying on the couch at Sookie’s house, and she’s having a birthday cry, like most of us saddos do, and suddenly, OH NOES! There’s a creepy creeper creeping around the house! Instead of doing the smart thing which is to lock the doors and hide, Tara commits her horror movie cliché and goes to investigate the noise. It’s OMG very DRAMATIC as she’s looking around, and then…SURPRISE! It’s Maryann, Eggs, and Weird Butler, who is carrying a huge cake covered with flowers. Maryann claims that they had been planning a birthday party for days and that Tara messed it all up by moving out. Sure, Maryann. I believe that. Eggs is pretty sweet for a second, but then I suddenly get the feeling that Eggs is too good to be true. Could he possibly be some creation of Maryann’s that is supposed to be just what a person wants? Like he’s Tara’s dream guy because that is his weird power? Hmm. Anyway, Maryann says that she’s been calling all of Tara’s friends all day, but Tara remarks, “What friends?” and we are thinking the same thing. Tara’s one friend is leaving town, and oh, yeah, you’re having a huge party at that friend’s house without asking! I see broken knickknacks in the future.

Over at the Newlin’s House of Douchebaggery, Douche Wife is wearing an apron and doing some serious grilling while Reverend Douche and Jason have a beer, and the hilarity continues as Jason starts to have a hallucination, accompanied by a really hilarious song, and in it, Douche Wife is dancing all sexy-like, spanking herself with a grill spatula, and tonguing a beer bottle. Reverend Douche just keeps rattling on, and Jason is just enthralled by this hallucination. It’s a great moment, and for the first time, I see Douche Wife as the hottie she actually is. Too bad her douchery destroys that.

Douche Wife brings in a huge plate of ribs to Jason and Reverend Douche, and I feel some hilarious food-sex double entendre coming our way! And we don’t have to wait long because the first thing Reverend Douche says is, “You don’t really eat Sarah’s ribs. It’s more like you take a bath in them.” BWUAHAHA. Then Douche Wife sexily helps Jason put his little bib on, and Jason is lost forever. There is seriously enough food on that table to feed an army, and that is just what the Douches start talking about. Apparently, there is a special group inside the FotS called the Soldiers of the Sun, and they want Jason to join. This is just the type of thing that redneck himbos like Jason love, and after only about three seconds of convincing, Jason is totally onboard. *sigh*

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Daphne orders up another drink for Andy, who is in the corner drunk and looking over files. The bar is totally empty, and Daphne comments it, and Arlene gets all snippy with “Lucky for you.” Hee. Sam goes over to cut Andy off, and Andy tells his tale of woe. Arlene wants to close up early to go to Tara’s party, which Sam knows nothing about, and once Arlene tells Sam that it’s Maryann who is throwing the party, he gets the mega-hump. Andy perks up, and I am overcome with joy at the idea of him going to this party, for we may see The Dance again. Arlene asks if they can go just as Daphne comes back, and when she asks “Go where?”, Arlene says “Home.” HEEEE. I love that Arlene hates Daphne. But in the end, Sam lets them go, just as…yes, you guessed it…Lettie Mae walks in. We can’t have a hilarious episode without her showing up, though she is decidedly less hilarious since she stopped drinking. Lettie Mae has a little present for Tara, and she asks Sam to give it to her and then runs out. Sam is just (>.<) at the whole situation. Poor Sam.

So, apparently, a private jet has landed in Dallas, and Sookie gets off the plane in easily the most hilarious outfit we have ever seen her wear. I mean, this thing is RIDICULOUS. It looks like she stepped out of some 50’s sitcom. She is also carrying one of those little bottles of airplane booze, and as she steps off the plane, we realize that our girl is drunk. There is a guy standing with a sign that says COMPTON PARTY, and Sookie says “YOO HOO” and runs right over to him and says, “I’ve always loved these. (the bottle) They’re like boooooze for dolls. They gave me ten.” We see the travel coffins being unloaded, and they look like space pods. Um, how long is a flight from Bon Temps to Dallas? Why did they need travel coffins? It’s dark outside. Anyway, this limo guy is acting really shady, especially after he sees the coffins, and he’s urging Sookie to get into the limo. Finally, she reads his thoughts and OH NOES, he is there to kidnap her, which he tries to do. Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and he flies out of his coffin to Sookie’s rescue. Jessica, meanwhile, knocks her coffin off the loading pad and can’t get out it. Bill goes *SIGH* and so do we because OMG SIGH, could she be more annoying?

Back to Sookie’s Roadhouse, Sam is pulling up to the party, and it is already getting way out of hand, though nobody is naked yet, so that is a plus. Sam walks up carrying Lettie Mae’s present, and we see Arlene doing a hilarious white-girl dance all up on Terry. AHAH. Maryann meets Sam at the door, and I have no idea what is going on with her outfit. She has like some weird white gown on and flowers in her hair. I cannot possibly hate this bitch more than I do. Sam goes -_- at her and tells her the present is from Tara’s mom, and Maryann goes -_- at that and directs him to the gift table. There are seriously so many people in this house that you know it’s probably gross and sweaty and the walls are probably wet. *shudder* Maryann comes up and taunts Sam some more, but he is over her shit, and he tells her to go ahead and turn him into the Collie, but if she does, then everybody will know what she is. BURN. Maryann tries to burn Sam back, but her attempt is lame, and she saunters away. This is when Sam sees Daphne through the kitchen, and he goes to join her.

At the same time, Tara is doing some hilarious dancing of her own with Eggs, and she realizes that she knows nobody at the party, but YAY presents. Weird Butler is twirling through the crowd with food, and Maryann is watching all of this with an eeeevil look in her eye. This is when the most hilariously crap song starts playing, and at the point this was published, everybody was freaking out because nobody can find it online anywhere. It’s called “Dig Deep Down Below,” the best lyrics is “This whole blood-sucking world is a clusterfuck.” Hilarious. Maryann goes and gets the present from Lettie Mae, and she throws it in the bushes outside! WTH! She also passes Creepy Mike Spencer all up on a girl with the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen AND Andy, who is drinking out of a bottle and goes “AHHHHH” in the camera. Greatness. Maryann, meanwhile, disappears off into the woods. Hmm.

Back the Airport O’ Kidnaps, Bill has the limo guy, whose name is Leon, in the limo, and he’s hypnovamping him to get information. Sookie is watching in something that is a mix between enjoyment and horror, and Bill looks over at Jessica and asks her if she would like try. He instructs Jessica on the ways of the hypnovamp, and it’s serious vampire bonding. Jessica obviously likes this new power, like, A LOT. Bill goes and sits by Sookie, who tells him that he was very sweet with Jessica. Bill doesn’t have time for sweetness. He tells her that somebody knew that she was coming because Leon was sent to kidnap her. Bill says it couldn’t be vampires because it was too sloppy, and vampires are known for their very clean and smooth kidnappings. Bill says it’s probably the Fellowship of the Sun, and Sookie is all AHAHAH, OH, BILL. She says that’s crazy because they are A CHURCH OMG. And Bill, like the rest of us, goes LOL because churches do pretty insane and shitty things all the time. (I’M TALKING TO YOU, WESTBORO BAPTIST DOUCHES.)

Over in the Cult Camp Frat House, Luke is reading a magazine about Vampire Marriage, and yes, his nose is broken, and he laser beam eyes Jason as he comes in, asking him what the “dork face” is about. Jason announces that he is moving out to be come a Solider of the Sun, and Luke could not possibly hate Jason more. Jason casually asks if Luke is going to bunk at the Newlins’ house, and that’s when Luke starts laughing about how Douche Wife just needs a new plaything. Jason is all o.O about this, and one of the other guys actually says the words “she wants your hot beef injection, dude.” I. AM. IN. SHOCK. The guys starts teasing Jason about Douche Wife wanting to jump Jason, and apparently, this has happened before? Jason gets all OUTRAGED and storms out because OMFG SHE IS NOT LIKE THAT. Oh, Jason, I think she is.

We see that Sookie and Bill are staying in the Hotel Carmilla, and when they check in, they find that Eric booked them a room with no bed for lulz. AHAH, Eric. They get it worked out, and during this, Bill asks what he should call Jessica, and his voice is hilarious as he does so. Bill brings up progeny, which is gross, but I believe they decide on ward, as Sookie puts it, “like Bruce Wayne.” I’ve always preferred fledgling, but that’s just me. Over in the lobby, Jessica is still having fun with Leon, and she takes his cell phone, and then she makes him so afraid for his life it’s not even funny, and she makes him scream mean things about people she doesn’t like. Oh, yes, all you Jessica lovers. This makes me just ADORE her, and it does, in no way, make her annoying. *SIGH* I just don’t get it. Anyway, Bill freaks out and yells at Jessica, and life is good again.

Back at Casa de Partyhouse, things are getting pretty rowdy, and Maryann is out back doing her crazy chanting thing, and it’s like the weird party scene in The Matrix Reloaded, and Tara is all sexy dancing up on Eggs, and them, and everybody in the place start making out. Eventually, Eggs and Tara make their way upstairs and get down to some SEXY SEX.

Over at Lafayette’s House of Hilariously Crap Cartoons, Lafayette is laying on the couch when OMG ALL THE SUDDEN, Eric vampires up to his window and is all “Good evening, Lafayette.” Lafayette falls off the couch in terror because HI, this guy just totally tortured him for two weeks, but the rest of us are like OMG YAY ERIC FINALLY. Lafayette helpfully remembers that Eric can’t come in unless invited, but Eric reminds Lafayette that he can wait for, like, ever, except in the day time, so I guess that threat doesn’t really work. Hmm. Anyway. Lafayette is all OMGWTF YOU LET ME GO. Eric says “I gave you a very generous gift, the gift of not killing you, and I’m here to give you something else.”

AHAHAHA, and what follows is one of my favorite moments because it’s so cheesy and ridiculous, but it’s SO something a thousand year old vampire would say. Eric reaches his arm in through the window with a dramatic finger flourish and rolls up his sleeve and says, “The healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.” AHAHAHAHA, WHUT? Oh, Eric, I love you. He’s also sort of molesting his own wrist with his thumb, I guess to make it all sexy-like. Lafayette looks tempted, but then he tells Eric he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Eric immediately pulls his arm back and goes -_-, and he tells Lafayette that he can smell his infected leg, and that it will probably fall off if he doesn’t drink the HEALING ELIXIR (bwuaha). Lafayette asks Eric why he wants to give him his blood, and Eric sort of leans in the window, and he is totally unbelievably cute when he says “I like you.”

And the fangirls EXPLODE.

Lafayette calls Eric’s bluff, and Eric finally admits it’s because Sookie likes him, and whatever Sookie likes, Eric finds…curious. Eric points out that Lafayette has no choice, complete with eyebrow raise, and Lafayette is like FUCK. Eric grins like a maniac just as the hilariously crap cartoon on the tv shows some guy killing a skeleton that busts into a million pieces. OOOH, FORESHADOWING.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Bill is doing his interrogation of Leon, and it seems that Jessica has fucked this guy up royally. When Bill asks her what she did, she is in the other room and screams, “ I AM ON THE PHONE!” AHAHA. A funny moment amongst a million annoying ones. Anyway, we find out that yes, it was the FotS who engineered the kidnapping, but that is all that Leon knows. Leon doesn’t know who hired him or why, doesn’t know Sookie’s name, and he doesn’t know where Godric is. Bill hypnovamps Leon into thinking that the Compton Party never showed up! Hee hee!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Homoeroticism, Eric is watching that hilariously crap cartoon while Lafayette is drinking his blood, and GUH. I have to say it is a very hot moment, if not a little disturbing. Lafayette is all NOMNOMNOM, and Eric is all hot in his tank top, and the fangirls are doing the pee-pee dance of excitement. Eric oh so calmly says “that’s enough” but Lafayette keeps nomming, so Eric is forced to smack him across the room, chiding him “Don’t get greedy.” Eric’s phone rings, and in a super cool way, the wound on his arm heals as he is answering it. OMG THOSE ARMS. I swear…PHEW.

Anyway, it’s Bill, and Eric gripes at him for not calling right as they landed, but Bill tells him of the almost kidnapping, and Eric pretends not to know who did it. Bill is not buying this, and Eric admits that he had a suspicion that the FotS was involved. Bill gets all shirty about not being told about this, and Eric is all OMG BITCH STEP OFF. Eric is the sheriff, and Bill is the underling. GET OVER IT. Some random music starts up in the background, and Eric hangs up on Bill.

And awesome Lafayette returns as he JUMPS back into frame and starts doing insane dances. Mostly he’s just banging a chair, the fireplace, and the floor. O.o Eric is all YAWN about this and says, “How nice for you…well, I must fly.” AND WE KNOW HE MEANS THIS LITERALLY. I’m almost afraid to see how it looks when he flies because I’m sure it will be ridiculous, but for now, we just see him leave, and Lafayette does the Worm on the floor. WELCOME BACK, LAFAYETTE.

Back at Cult Camp, Jason is unpacking his stuff in his new bedroom, and the place is just as unbelievable tacky as we would have imagined. Douche Wife comes in wearing her sexy little nightgown, and the whole scene is just uncomfortable and tense with SEXY SEXNESS. Jason is all EEP at the exposed cleavage. Douche Wife claims that he’s staying with them because the SoS bunks only hold 14 and Jason makes 15, but we don’t buy that for a minute.

Up in the Room of SEXY SEX, Bill and Sookie are making out all passionately, when BWUAHA, there’s a knock at the door, and yes, of course, it is Eric, cock-blocking him yet again. Down in the bar, Eric tells Bill he thinks it’s lulzy that he can’t protect Sookie. Bill says that Eric is a monster because he doesn’t care about anybody but himself, and Eric is all OMG NUH UH, I care about others! Bill then notes that for some reason, Eric cares about Godric. (I will not spoil it for those who have not obsessively combed the HBO website and saw the little teaser thing on Eric’s page, but yes, he cares about Godric. Like, A LOT.)

Eric gives some bullshit runaround about how Godric is beloved by his subjects, and how Godric is twice as old as him and OMG SO POWERFUL, so if he can be taken, anybody can be. OOOH, SCARY! Bill then tries to get Eric to release Sookie from her agreement, but Eric is having none of that. I also noticed at this point how freaking STILL Eric is. It’s kind of creepy. And delicious. Eric mentions that Texas is crazy and the vampires there will start a big war with humans if they don’t get Godric back. Oh, Eric. We love you.

Back at the Party of SEXY SEXY ORGY, Daphne is all TEE HEE with Sam, and in the course of their making out, she drops a bombshell on him. OMG I NO WHUT U R, she whispers all sexily, and Sam goes O.O, and Daphne pulls him out the back door, and then we realize that this party has gone off the rails. Eggs and Tara are having big time SEXY SEX, and we almost see Tara’s girl parts, but NO. DENIED. We do see that girl with Creepy Mike Spencer’s girl parts, and we see Arlene all up on Terry, and then suddenly, everybody starts diving into food. They’re like slamming it into their faces and using it as face scrub. It’s really bizarre. Some people are drinking wine, and others are just acting like they’re on ecstasy, and everybody has the black eyes of doom. Maryann is in the backyard doing her blurry shaky thing as usual, and the more she does it, the more crazy everybody gets until a fight breaks out, and some chick starts rolling around on the ground and eating dirt? WTF!!?! Then we see Maryann is also digging in the dirt, and when she finishes doing the Hippy Hippy Shake, she lifts her arms up, and OH NOES! She has the scary claw hands that gave Sookie the Back of Nasty! SHE IS THE BULL MAN THING!

Much less dramatic things are going on back at Hotel Cockblock, and Sookie is browsing the television channels. She checks out the porn, and there is one called “Intercourse with the Vampire.” HILARIOUS. There is a knock at the door, and when Sookie goes to answer it, Jessica comes out and tells Sookie she ordered something. There is a bellboy on the other side of the door who shows in the room service, and the room service is a hot boy in a bathrobe. AHAHA. This hotel is awesome. Jessica and Meal disappear, and for once, we hear Sookie’s thoughts, and while she’s thinking about how old the Meal is, the bellboy answers out loud that the Meal is 21, and Sookie goes O.O and says “That’s weird…almost like he read my mind.” And bellboy thinks back, “I did read your mind. Oh, Fuck.” BARRY! YAY! IT’S BARRY! HI, BARRY!

Barry realizes that Sookie is reading his mind, and Sookie realizes that Barry is reading hers, and then Barry goes O.O and takes off running, and Sookie chases after him. End credits.

This episode gives me mixed feelings. They threw a lot of plot at us, but at the same time, I’m left a little unsatisfied. But, after watching this episode…

--I don’t think Jessica is going to make it to the end of the season. I have a feeling they will kill her off as a way to give Bill more angst.
--Barry is going to be great.
--Eric PWNS EVERYONE, and Lafayette is going to be fantastic and totally his slave forever.

I love this show. :D