Like I said, I wasn't over the moon (LOL WEREWOLF PUN) about this premiere, but it was still pretty good. I have to give them one episode of slack before I start tearing the show a new one. So, enjoy this recap, and I hope you will stick around for the rest of the season, as I'll be doing my best to get them all done in a timely fashion.
LINKAGE
My True Blood Recap Glossary, for words and phrases you might not understand
ALL of my recaps, including the first seven eps of season 1 and all of season 2.
Vlogtasia, my weekly-ish vlog about True Blood, posted after the show airs on Sunday night.
Please remember that my recaps contain spoilers (OBVS) and BOOK SPOILERS.
Season 3, Episode 1
"Bad Blood"
Previously on True Blood...
LIKE SRSLY? If you need a season two recap, GTFO.
Then somewhere else, we see Sam driving around with that paper that the old dying Mr. Merlotte gave him with his real parents' names on it. And then somewhere ELSE we see Jason running into his house, completely freaked out because, well, you know, he did totally just kill someone. He tries to drink a beer to calm down, but apparently that is a FLASHBACK BEER, and he sees himself making SCRAMBLED EGGS, and he FREAKS OUT and punishes a lamp by throwing that beer right at it. Then he's all AHHHHH and sits in his fridge. o.O
Outside of Shithole Bar and Grill, Eggs is still very dead, and Tara is holding his hand because COPS LET YOU DO THAT, and Bud covers him up, but it's no good because OMG DA BLOOOOD soaks right through the sheet, and Tara is like SOBBING, and Lafayette comes out and puts a coat on her and hugs her. Aww.
Then at the Old Compton Place, Jessica finds the flowers that Hoyt left for her, and she's all AWWW FLOWERS, but then she remembers, HI THERE IS A DYING GUY ON THE PORCH, and she drags said dying guy, presumably that gross trucker, into the house!
THEN we see what happened to Bill, and after we go HEY WAIT THIS ISN'T IN THE BOOKS, we remember that we promised everyone we wouldn't worry about the books so much, so we go O HAI BILL. It seems he was KEEDNAPPED by some gross guys, and they see that Sookie is calling Bill's phone and they're like YUM HOT NUMBER, and Bill is like I WILL TELL YOU NOTHING, and they throw his phone out the window! Bill asks them who they are, and the leader guy is all HOW 'BOUT YOU CALL US THE FUCK YOU CREW? And then HE STABS BILL WITH A KNIFE!
Credits. AHHHH!
After the credits, we are back at Cafe du Corny, and French lady is smoking a cigarette all blase like, and Kenya OH SORRY DEPUTY BITCHPANTS is asking Sookie some questions, and says HE PROPOSED AND YOU SAID WHAT, and Sookie explains that she needed a minute, and Kenya and French lady go UH HUH. French lady puts out her cigarette, and Sookie says WTF TRAMPLING ON EVIDENCE, and to myself, I go HA HA CSI BON TEMPS. (A lot of people think that ALL police departments can collect evidence and actually do something with it, but the truth is that most of them can't. So unless you live in a big city, save yourself the trouble of getting laughed at and don't ask them to take fingerprints if somewhere steals your mailbox.)
Anyway, Sookie is all WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, and she is trying her hardest to get out her Cape, and Deputy Bitchpants keeps right on bitching and asking Sookie questions, and Sookie is like OMFG WHO CARES? THE BASTARDS ARE GETTING AWAY. And Deputy Bitchpants says the thing that we are all sort of thinking...WHAT IF THERE ARE NO BASTARDS? WHAT IF BILL JUST GOT PISSED AND LEFT? Sookie counters with the fact that the tables and stuff were turned over, and those are signs of a struggle, and Deputy Bitchpants counters back with it is the sign of a man who lost his temper...with good reason. HAHAHA. Anyway, Sookie tries to charm her and asks her to PLZ file a missing person's report, but Deputy Bitchpants says 48 HOURS, THAT'S THE RULE, DO YOU WANT A RIDE OR NOT. So Sookie has to swallow her pride, and her cape, and get in the car. (Also, that is SUCH a lie. There is no required waiting period to file a missing person's report. NONE.)
Inside Shithole Bar and Grill, Andy is watching Bud question Arlene, and he is mighty nervous. With good reason since we obviously know that HE is the one who made SCRAMBLED EGGS and NOT Jason. Arlene is just going on and on about what she saw, and in the background, Lafayette is funneling liquor into Tara, which ALWAYS produces GREAT results. But then suddenly, Terry comes over and sits down with Andy, and he's all YOUR FIRST KILL...IT'S TOUGH. BUT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE OF GOODNESS AND STUFF, and we go OMG WTF AHAHAHA because the whole thing is really sweet and REALLY weird. They start this huge man love scenario, and in the end, they decide to tell each other that they love each other more often. That's when Bud interrupts and tells Andy that he needs his statement, and then this is where things get REALLY weird.
Arlene is telling Bud how she's sorry that she wasn't more cooperative when Rene was totally a murderer because she totally respects law enforcement, and where would we be as a society without law enforcement, and just as I was like YOU TELL IT because I work in law enforcement, Tara jumps up and is all WTF ARLENE? THIS ISN'T A BEAUTY PAGEANT. And everybody goes O.O, and Lafayette goes AWWW SHIIIT, and Tara starts railing about how THE ONLY MAN SHE EVER LOVED after a few days of knowing him WAS JUST ZIPPED UP IN A BAG OMG AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO PRETEND YOU GIVE A FUCK. Then Arlene is super cute and says I GIVE A FUCK all sweet-like, but Tara FREAKS OUT and is all TRASH IS AS TRASH DOES, and then we don't even have time to go WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN because Arlene delivers the first great one-liner of the new season.
"I'm sorry you feel in love with a serial killer, all right, but honestly, who here hasn't?"
BRB LOLING FOREVER.
But Tara does not think it's funny. She FLIPS OUT again and is all EGGS WASN'T NO KILLER, and Andy points out that HI he confessed, which really doesn't mean anything, but we know that he WAS a killer, even if he didn't know he was killing anybody. Tara doesn't want to hear that, and she's all HE WASN'T RESPONSIBLE, and then Arlene makes the whole thing much, much worse by saying OH WHY? BECAUSE OF SOCIETY? BECAUSE OF SLAVERY? And as we are all cringing because OMFG DID THEY GO THERE, they totally went there, and Tara is all OMFG REDNECK WTF. Lafayette puts an end to this hot mess by saying that he's taking Tara over to Sookie's AND they are stealing a bottle of tequila but he's sure that doesn't surprise anybody, and they leave. Then Arlene digs that hole a little bit deeper by saying I HATE WHEN THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT RACE. Ouch.
Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has Dying Guy on the steps, and he is busy, um, dying, and she's all NO, YOU STAY WITH ME. YOU STAY WITH ME. Dying Guy says HOS...PI...TAL, and Jessica says YEAH NO, then Dying Guy says FUCK...ING...WHORE, and Jessica AGREES WTF. FEMINISM FAIL. (And really, why didn't she just leave the guy in his truck or on the side of the road or something? OH BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY BILL IS THE WORST MAKER EVER BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TEACH HER HOW TO DISPOSE OF A BODY!) Then shit gets really real because Jessica sees headlights pulling up, and she's all EEP!
Sookie busts into the place yelling for Bill, and she finds Jessica leaning up against the door to the dirt bedroom with blood all over her face, and Sookie is like...UH, IS BILL HERE, and Jessica says no, and Sookie asks her if she's okay, and Jessica is like OH, YEAH. I'M TOTES FINE. Then she corrects by saying that she's been crying because of Hoyt, and I guess Sookie buys that, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed that her dress is all torn and her upper lady parts are all hanging out, but whatever. Sookie is PREOCCUPIED, Y'ALL.
Anyway, Sookie drops the KEEDNAPPEENG bomb, and Jessica is all OMG. Then Sookie says how Bill proposed, and Jessica is like O.M.G, and Sookie stops to say how she didn't say yes or anything yet, and Jessica is like YOU REJECTED HIM, and Sookie goes OMFG IT IS NOT LIKE THAT. She tells Jessica to call her if Bill comes home, even if Bill uses the Maker's Mark and tells her not to, and Jessica is like UM, UHH, and Sookie is like JUST DO IT, and then leaves. As if Jessica wasn't already dealing with enough, she opens the door to dirt bedroom, and is all HEY, DYING GUY, LET'S GET BETTER NOW, K? But Dying Guy is no longer Dying Guy. He is Dead Guy, and Jessica is like FML. She does do a bit of fast thinking and decides to bite her wrist and give him some blood to turn him instead of letting him die, and that is pretty smart, except we all know it's not going to work.
Then we're back in the Homoeroticism Wagon, and the KEEDNAPPERS are all DRINKING BILL'S BLOOD AHHH! And Bill is ilke UGGGHHH, but they are all OHMYGIDDYGOD THIS IS AWESOME and feeling themselves up and stuff. Then there is this really random moment where the guy in the front seat is complaining because he hasn't had any, but he can't really reach Bill, so Leader Guy tells Other Guy to spit some blood into Front Seat Guy's mouth. And Other Guy goes...THAT'S GAY. And the Leader Guy says OH AND PLAYING WITH YOUR OWN TITTIES IN A CAR FULL OF DUDES AIN'T? Other Guy is like TOUCHE, and sucks some of Bill's blood and totally spits it into the guy in the front seat's mouth. It is TOTES GROSS and yet hilarious, and Bill is sitting there going OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A BUNCH OF GAY BIKERS.
No, seriously, Bill tells them that if they had orders not to kill him, they're about to disobey because they are draining him way too fast, and Leader Guy is taking off his leather gloves because he's got blood on them, and Bill starts looking at his hand all O.O, but we can't see it because it's off screen, and we go OMG NOT FAIR!
Back at Jason's Former House of Love, Jason is trying to clean up the lamp he murdered--OH WAIT, THAT WAS EGGS--and Andy comes in and scares him. He tells Jason that he parked around back and snuck through his window. Yeah...creepy. But anyway, another great scene from Team Bromance starts up, and Jason asks how Tara is. Andy tells him that Tara is a fucking mess, and Jason is like UGH, and Andy says DON'T YOU FREAK OUT ON ME. He says they have to keep their story straight because it has holes in it. Like, for example, how the gun that killed Eggs was fired from OVER 20 FEET AWAY OMG. So, this makes Jason freak out even MORE, and he says that they should just go tell Bud everything, but Andy is like WE WILL GO TO JAIL, and Jason knows that he is way too pretty to go to jail.
Andy says that he needs to man up and just deal with it. He says that Bud is a good man, but he's old, so he's starting to suck at police work, so they are going to get through it if they just act normal. And Jason brings up a good point that he doesn't even know what normal is anymore, and Andy brings up another good point that normal for Jason is chasing women. And Jason is like BUT I WANT TO BE NEW JASON, and Andy tells him after they get away with murdering a guy, he can be New Jason, but for now, he is Old Jason, and that means CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON, AND EVERYTHING'S GUN BE ALL RIGHT.
Let me just say that again: CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON.
BRB LOLING FOREVER AGAIN.
Jason is like FINE, and Andy gets up and says SAY IT WITH ME, and says CONSCIENCE OFF, and Jason repeats after him, and Andy says DICK WHAT? And Jason says DICK ON. AND EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
Ladies and gents, we have a new motto for life.
In another stunningly bad move, Sookie goes all the way to Fangtasia because OBVIOUSLY Eric is behind this except there is no evidence that Eric is behind it. Sookie walks right in, and Pam, in one of her worst outfits yet is all, HEEYYYYY, and Sookie says I'M IN NO MOOD FOR LESBIAN WEIRDNESS TONIGHT, PAM. She asks where Bill is, and Pam is like WHO? Then she asks where Eric is, and Pam is like UM...BUSY, and Sookie is like WAT and immediately heads for...the basement? Pam follows her and is all SOOKIE, STOP. DON'T. COME BACK in her most hilarious voice, and then...
Then I'm not sure how this scene was supposed to play, but to me, it was not sexytimes at all. We hear some girl going OH OH OH OH OH, and we see Eric banging said girl, and said girl is all tied up and sort of suspended in the air, and...yeah, he's using the blurry blurness to do said banging and he doesn't even look like he's having a good time and...I don't know. It's just...yuck. It's a bit disturbing to me that not a week or so ago, there were dead guys and shit buckets in that basement, and now Eric is banging some girl down there? In any case, the scene is only saved by us getting a random shot of NAKED ERIC ASS, and you have to remember that the whole time he is talking to Sookie...HE IS TOTALLY NAKED.
Anyway, Eric manparts give the most awkward introduction ever between Sookie and said girl, who is Yvetta, and Sookie is like HI WHATEVER. Eric's manparts walk over to Sookie and ask her what she's doing there, and Sookie is all BILL IS MISSING, AND I THINK YOU DID IT. Eric's manparts say I DIDN'T. NEXT. Sookie asks him where he was around 11 o'clock, and Eric's manparts say that he was there with Yvetta. And Sookie is like YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SIX HOURS? And Eric's manparts say WHAT? IS BILL'S STAMINA NOT UP TO SNUFF? And I know Sookie loves Bill, but you have to assume that she was thinking PHWOAR at this point, at least a little bit.
But getting back to the matter at hand, Sookie randomly asks where she can find Lorena because if Eric didn't do it, then Lorena TOTES did. Eric's manparts say that he should probably deal with Lorena after how Sookie's last meeting went with her, and Sookie is all HOW DO I KNOW YOU WILL, and Eric's manparts say that since he is sheriff, he is duty-bound to find Bill or whatever, even if Bill has something he wants. Then he eye-loves all over Sookie, and we go PHWOAR, and Sookie goes AWKWARD K BAI, and she stomps up the steps and says OH, BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME TEN GRAND. And Eric's manparts are sad to see her go.
Then back in the Homoerotic Wagon, Front Seat Guy is now Roof Guy, and he is like WOOO YEAAAHHH V IS AWESOME. Driver Guy is like STOP IT OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSEF...and then Bill is all UP IN HIS GRILL and Bill says...KILLED. THEN BILL TOTALLY KILLS THE DRIVER AND YANKS THE WHEEL, AND THE CAR GOES FLYING OFF THE ROAD AND OMFG BILL, WHAT A BAMF.
Though some people have brought up UM HI HE WAS JUST DYING, but it's possible that either a) he was faking or b) even when he's dying, Bill is still a BAMF. In any case, he crawls his way out of that totally destroyed car, and I'm not sure why HE'S wearing gloves, but whatever. That's when we realize that OMG THEY FIXED THAT HORRIBLE MAKE UP PROBLEM, and even covered with blood and guts, BILL IS HOT AGAIN YAY! Anyway, he gets out of the wreckage, and he walks away LIKE A BOSS. But before he does, he does this weird JESSICUH, and at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up all AHHHH O.O AHHHH, so this is like...Vampire Phone? Not sure, but Jessica is laying in the dirt bedroom beside Dead Guy, so she's got other things on her mind.
Back at Casa de Stackhouse, which apparently still looks like hell and nobody seems to mind, Lafayette has apparently drugged Tara up with some tequila and klonopin, and Tara is like YEAAAH, I GUESSS I FEEEEL BETTTERRRR, and Sookie walks in, and she's like TARA? TARA? WHAT'S THE MATTER? And she goes over and tries to heal Tara's pain with a hug, and Tara starts crying again, and they tell Sookie that Eggs got scrambled, and Sookie is like OH FUCK I SHOWED HIM HE WAS A MURDERER. And Tara is like OH FUCK, I KILL YOU NOW, and she starts choking Sookie!! And after Lafayette recovers from the shock of what the hell is happening, he gets up and gets Tara off of Sookie, and is like HELLO THIS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. And Sookie is like BILL IS GONE TOO, HELLO, and Tara is like WHATEVER, FUCK ALL, Y'ALL and leaves. GAH!
Over in the Basement of Sexual Sadism, Eric is storming around, wearing a silky red robe and talking into a Bluetooth headset, and he's telling some guy HI I TOLD YOU TO GET ME BILL COMPTON. And the guy is like B-B-BUT MISTAH NORTHMAN, SOMEBODY DONE GOT HIM ALREADY, and then Eric COMPLETELY LOSES HIS SHIT, and I swear, I thought the headset was going to shatter into a million pieces from the FORCE OF HIS WRATH. And Pam is like UH, ERIC, WHOA. She tells him that he is LOSING IT, and Eric is like THANK YOU, LADY OBVIOUS. Pam tells him to call the Queen, and Eric is like HI WORST IDEA EVER because Bill is the only vampire who knows that Eric is selling blood for the queen, and if he suddenly goes missing, what is the Queen going to think? And Pam is like BETTER YOU THAN SOMEONE ELSE, and Eric is like HMM, but then he tells Pam to GTFO, and Pam is like UGH, FINE!
Now all the way in Whitetrashfamily, Arkansas, Sam is some shitty motel room, and he's looking for the Mickens family in the phonebook, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He's like WTF, and a voice from the other side says IT'S BILL COMPTON, YO. WTF? Bill? Sam opens the door, and it is, indeed, Bill, but he's all...clean? And Bill tells Sam that he could find him because he drank like a BUNCH of his blood. So, Sam invites him in, and Bill asks him if he can take a shower, and Sam is like OF COURSE, and then Bill says he needs a shirt, and Sam is like I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT...BUT YOU CAN HAVE THE ONE OFF MY BACK.
WAIT, WAT?
And then it gets all SEXY and we're like WAAAAAAAAAAAAT, and then they are standing there all CLOSE and SHIRTLESS, and BILL IS LIKE OOOH YOU LOOK NICE, and SAM IS LIKE THANKS, and Bill is like I'LL TAKE THAT SHOWER NOW...UNLESS YOU'D CARE TO JOIN ME..and Sam is like YEAAAAH, I THINK I WOULDand we are like WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN, and Bill says I HEAR THE WATER IN ARKANSAS IS...VERY HARD. AND THEN THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER AND THEY ALMOST KISS.
And then SAM WAKES UP.
AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXPLODES.
I need a minute here. Phew.
So, yes, Sam's phone ringing is what woke him up, and he tells the lady who is calling from the Chamber of Commerce that he is SO glad that she woke him up. She tells him that she doesn't have any listings for Mickens in the town, but then she gives him secret inside info, that they were last evicted from some house, and OH THEY HAVE A SON, AND HIS NAME IS TOMMY, AND HE WORKS AT THIS CAR FIXING PLACE. And Sam is like KTHNXBAI after he has a little trauma face.
Back in Bone Temps...I mean, Bon Temps, Jason and Hoyt are working on the road crew, and Hoyt is telling Jason how betrayed he feels that his mom lied to him all those years about his dad. Then Jason has this really emo moment where he's like IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY SOMEONE'S LIFE, TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Then he asks Hoyt if he can steal some black eyeliner from his mom and tells him he has to go to Wal-Mart to buy a My Chemical Romance CD.
Oh, and Jason is wearing a hat with a panther on it. LOL SYMBOLISM. Also, Hoyt asks if he can stay with Jason. YAY ROOMMATES!
Then we see Lettie Mae pulling up to Lafayette's House of Blues, and Lafayette is on his way out to work. Lafayette tells her not to leave Tara alone because she is super crazysauce, but Tara was asking for her mom, so that's why he called her. Lettie Mae starts going on with OH THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING MY DAUGHTER BACK, and Lafayette is like SHUT IT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. Lettie Mae is all OH SORRY I SHOT A GUN AT YOU, and Lafayette flat tells her "Bitch, You and Me Bridge ain't never gun motherfuckin' happen." GOD I LOVE LAFAYETTE.
Over at Mayberry PD, Sookie is telling Bud about what happened, and Bud brings up that Sookie was a bit of a bitch right back at Deputy Bitchpants. Sookie is all THE PERSON I WOULD BE ENGAGED TO IF I HAD A CHANCE TO SAY YES HAS BEEN KEEDNAPPED. Except HI YOU DID HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY YES, AND YOU CRIED AND FLAILED INSTEAD. But anyway. Bud makes the mistake of saying that a Missing Person's Report isn't even needed because VAMPIRES AREN'T EVEN PEOPLE. FINALLY, Sookie has some space to spread her Cape, and OH HOW SHE SPREADS IT. Sookie says DON'T MAKE ME FORGET TO RESPECT MY ELDERS. BILL IS YOUR ELDER, SO RESPECK!
Bud is like -_-, but Sookie just keeps right on flapping about how she needs help finding Lorena, but Bud tells her that he's got DEAD HUMAN BODIES piling up, and the town is in a bit of a wreck, so he does have a point. But Sookie is like WTF I LOVE BILL LIKE YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND GRANDBABIES. Then she gives one last might flap of her Cape and she is OUT, YO. The most important part of this scene is that we see now that Sookie BADLY needs a dye job. HER HAIR IS BLACK UNDERNEATH. BLACK.
Back in Whatthefuckery, Arkansas, Sam is pulling up to this car-fixing place, and there is a guy working on a car who has TOMMY written on his shirt. But this guy was LJ on "Prison Break," so he's not Tommy to me. He's LJ. Anyway, Sam pulls up to talk to TommyLJ, and TommyLJ is like NO, I'M NOT THAT GUY. I'M SOME OTHER TOMMY WHO WORKS HERE. THAT TOMMY MICKENS IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT ME. Sam obviously doesn't buy this load of crap, so he makes some random remark about coming back to buy tires, and TommyLJ is like I'LL GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL, UNLIKE THAT TOMMY MICKENS WOULD, THAT TOMMY MICKENS WHO IS NOT ME.
So, back at Lafayette's House of the LAWD, Lettie Mae figures that the best way for Tara to get over the fact that her boyfriend was killed is to get some Jesus in her. Lettie Mae's preacher tells her that all of the bad shit that happened was God's plan to get her to go back to her mother. And Lettie Mae is like IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW AHAHAHA, and Tara is laying there looking like YOU ARE NOT HELPING. OH LAWD, A LIFE WITH JUST LETTIE MAE. BRB NEED TO TAKE SWALLOW A MEDICINE CABINET, I MEAN, TAKE A SHOWER.
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, we see Bill climbing out of the dirt, and I have to say, he's doing it pretty sexily, even though he's totally muddy and looks like he REALLY needs a homoerotic shower.
Back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up for the night, and Dead Guy is still Dead Guy, and Jessica is like OH FUCK ME. She gets out of the dirt bedroom to answer her phone, and she thinks it's Bill, but it's Hoyt, and here comes one of those romantic moments that make me gag, but I will attempt to quell my urge to vomit. Hoyt is all DID YOU GET MY FLOWERS I MISS YOU, and Jessica is like I MISS YOU, TOO, BUT THIS IS A BAD TIME, and Hoyt keeps talking about his random haircut, and she's like MUST GO, DEAD GUYS TO BURY, and hangs up, and Hoyt is like OMFG FML! Jessica spends a minute hugging her flowers, and then she sees Dead Guy again, so it sort of ruins the moment.
Over at Fangtasia, Yvetta is falling out of her corset doing a pole-dance for Eric, but Eric's pole is going to have to wait because UH OHS, trouble walks in the door, and that trouble is wearing a fur coat and seriously needs to wash her hair. It's the Queen and...HELLS YES, THE MAGISTER. Eric is like GULP, and he vampires over to greet them. They suggest clearing the place out because they need to talk, and Eric suggests using his office, but the Queen is like NO I BUGGEST YOUR OFFICE LOL! Then the Queen is like EVERYBODY OUT EXCEPT HOT POLE-DANCING FANGBANGERS, and the Magister is like LAW AND ORDUH HEARUH, NO HUMANSSS. I NEED BOTHH OF YOU AT FULL ATTENSHUN, and we go LOL ERIC IS ALREADY AT ATTENTION. So Yvetta leaves. Bye, Yvetta.
The Magister makes himself at home in Eric's Throne of Viking Vikingness, and he tells Eric that SHIT HAS GOTTEN REAL because his area is a big hot mess and is becoming the V capital of the world. And the Queen is like WAAAT, and she says that Eric is the only vampire that can be trusted with this information, and Eric is like -_- at her. The Magister says that THE BLOOD IS SACRED. WASTING IT ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROCREATION IS BLASPHEMY.
Why does that sound familiar....
And the Queen and Eric are like BLASPHEMY! MADNESS! DESECRATION! The Magister asks if Eric has noticed an increase in V users, and Eric says no, but the Magister says HI EVERYBODY ELSE HAS, LOSER. He has deduced that the amount of V flowing around has to mean that a vampire is behind it, and when Eric is like SAY WHAT, the Magister is like *SIGH* There are no missing vampires--EXCEPT BILL, thinks Eric--and no missing vampires means that drainers aren't doing it, so OBVIOUSLY, STUPID LITTLE VIKING, a vampire is supplying the blood. And the Queen is like OMG WHO IS THAT EMO, AND WHOEVER IT IS SHOULD FALL ON HIS OWN STAKE, and she looks at Eric, and Eric goes -_- again, but he says he'll look into the matter of who could be doing this.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is standing around smelling chili, and she asks Lafayette if he's done something different, and at the same time they both say THERE BE CINNAMON IN IT. Lafayette is like WHOA, WOLVERINE, HOW DID YOU SMELL THAT, and Arlene goes OHMYGOD I'M PREGNANT and runs away. WAAAAT?
Across the bar, Hoyt is going back to the table that he is sharing with Jason and these two girls, and at first, these two girls don't look so bad, but then one of them opens her mouth and OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING. BLACK AND DECKER PECKER WRECKER MOUTH. *SHUDDER* Apparently, these girls are driving across the South on their way to California to go to school to become dog psychologists. And Jason is like LOL WAT DOG SHRINK, and there's this whole thing about how dogs can't tell us what's wrong, and Hoyt looks like a puppy or something, and I'm not really even sure what the point of this scene was except to show that Old Jason is in full effect, and Hoyt needs to get used to the "pussy overflow" if he's going to be Jason's roommate. And Andy looks on approvingly as Jason and Hoyt take the girls home.
Back at Fangtasia, Eric and the Queen are walking the Magister out, and the Queen asks what will happen to the vampire responsible. The Magister says that THIS KIND OF MORAL ANARCHY CANNOT BE ALLOWED and assures them that the responsible party will TOTES get punished. And then he says WHAT COLOR IS THE PAINT ON THESE WALLS? IS THAT FORESHADOW? And he leaves. Once's outside, the Queen is all I THOUGHT MORAL ANARCHY WAS THE POINT, and though I have left the books behind, it makes me sad that we will never see Sophie-Anne as she was meant to be. I'd even forgive Evan Rachel Whore for being such a whore if she was playing Book!Queen. Alas.
Anyway, Eric is like SORRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE BUT OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, and the Queen is like YOU DON'T THINK HE BELIEVED US, and Eric is like UH, NO. The Queen says the best solution is to sell everything Eric has, and when Eric is like CRAZY BITCH SAYS WHAT, the Queen says that the IRS is breathing down her neck and she needs money. Wait, what? LOL WHAT? YOUR PALACE OF TACKY WAS TOO EXPENSIVE? Anyway, she tells Eric to sell ALL the V that he has, and she doesn't care for how much, but just get rid of the evidence. And Eric is like UM, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT...
AND THEN THE QUEEN GOES BATSHIT AND SHE CLIMBS ALL UP ON ERIC LIKE HE'S A TREE AND SHE IS SHRIEKING LIKE A BANSHEE AND SHE SMASHES ERIC'S MANPARTS IN HER HAND, AND SHE'S ALL HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A VAMPIRE QUEEN BROKE. Then she climbs down like it ain't no thang.
So, yeah, that bad ass.
Except OMFG HER FANGS ARE SO HUGE AND HIDEOUS. What IS that? Why don't hers fit right? They were bad last season, but they are way worse now. And Eric is like OMFG DIAF, and we are like OH GURL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
But then Eric gets his panties out of the wad they were in, and he's like OH BTW, I LOST BILL. And the Queen is like BILL WHO? GET ME MONEY. BYE BITCH. Godga, I hope the Magister kills her.
Back at Casa de Craphouse, Sookie is apparently on the phone with Isabel from Dallas, and there is a knock at the door. OH, LOOK! IT'S PAM! AND SHE'S WEARING PINK! Pam walks in asks Sookie why she had to kill Maryann because Maryann is an awesome decorator. Oh, Pam. Sookie is all WHAT ABOUT BILL, and Pam is like BILL WHO? She says she is just making her rounds, and she gives Sookie a check from Eric. Sookie is like THIS IS TOO MUCH MONEY, and Pam is like YOU DESERVE A BONUS FOR SUCKING HIS CHEST, I MEAN GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND AND ALMOST GETTING RAPED AND BLOWN UP AND STUFF.
Then Pam goes UUUGGGH and shivers, and Sookie is like WTF, and Pam explains that Eric just "called her", apparently on the Vampire Phone, and Pam vampires out, and that's when Sookie realizes HEY, JESSICA HAS VAMPIRE PHONE WITH BILL.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Terry is looking for Arlene, and he finds her in Sam's office, and he's like DATE NIGHT Y/Y, and she FREAKS out and is all I HAVE TO THINK OF MY KIDS OMG. Hey, wait. So, season 2 started two weeks after Rene was killed, and all of season 2 was only like what two weeks in real time? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ARLENE IS PREGGO WITH SERIAL KILLER BABY? I'm sure not, but PLOT HOLE!
In the walk-in fridge, Pam has brought a bunch of V to Lafayette who is like HALF OFF WHAT, and she says they want the money by the next night, and Lafayette starts to say HOOKUH, WTF, and then PAM freaks out and gets all up on Lafayette and gives one of the best speeches of the show, which I will transcribe for you here:
Pam: I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if i need to, and also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.
Lafayette: Aight.
Pam: Yeah? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?
BRB DYING OF LOVE FOR PAM FOREVER.
She leaves, and Lafayette is like FML HARDCORE WITH NO LUBE.
Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie walks in, and Jessica is like RIGHT THERE, and she's like CALL FIRST MUCH. Sookie brings up the Vampire Phone, and Jessica says that yes, she did feel a bit sick and shivery, and MAYBE she saw a place where Bill might be, so Sookie throws her the keys and says ROAD TRIP. But then Sookie is like UGH WHAT IS THAT SMELL, and Jessica says OH, JUST A DEAD GUY...POSSUM. DEAD POSSUM.
So, back on Half-Dead Vampire Street, Bill stumbles along and comes up to a house and rings the bell, and oh no. An old lady with an oxygen tank answer the door, and she's all STANLEY? STANLEY, MAH BOY, IS THAT CHOO? But it is not Stanley, it is the Tornado of Sex and Fangs, and she says he looks hungry and invites him in, and well, you can guess the rest.
Back at Lafayette's House of Conversion, the pastor is done, and Tara jumps up and says ALL BETTER. I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER, and Lettie Mae stupidly lets her go because she's more interested in the pastor. She's all OH YOU'RE THE BEST CAN I HUG YOU, and she does, and she TOTALLY MOLESTS THE PREACHER, and he's like O.O and gets out of there quick. Meanwhile in Lafayette's awesome bathroom, Tara runs the shower, then locks the door and sits on the toilet, and this isn't going to end well.
All the way over in Wherethefuckarewe, Arkansas, Sam is being a creeper and he follows TommyLJ home, and he sneaks up and looks in the mailbox and finds all of these past due bills addressed to THE MICKENS FAMILY. TOMMYLJ IS A LIAR! This is the point where I'd say that Sam might be better off just going back home.
Back at Jason's House of ED, he's having some trouble getting going with the girl from Shithole Bar and Grill, and apparently, it's because he keeps seeing her with a bullethole in her head. The other girl comes in because Hoyt is all crying about Jessica, so maybe this will work. Two girls surely will cure his problems! But instead, they BOTH have bulletholes. So, he tells them to "pay attention to" each other, but EVEN THAT DOESN'T WORK. They're like WTF, and he says, WELL I KEEP SEEING BULLETHOLES IN YOUR HEADS, and the girls are like UHH, BYE. So, Jason sits down and starts cussing at Little Jason for failing him, but knowing Jason, he probably named it Maximus or something.
Why do guys name their manparts? That's ubercreepy if you ask me.
Anyway.
Over at Old Lady Buffet, Bill has had his dinner, but he didn't kill the old lady! YAY! He lays the hypnovamp on her, and he tells her THIS NEVER HAPPENED, KAY? HERE IS SOME MONEY, AND YOUR SON VISITED, AND IT WAS GREAT. But while he's talking to her, he hears all these wolves howling outside, and we're like UM, WHAT, and Bill asks the old lady where they are, and she's like M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, and Bill is like NO TIME FOR SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK. GOTTA GO. And he runs off into the night, wearing a very fabulous flowered shirt. And the wolves are outside going ahOOOOOH.
Back at Lafayette's House of Intervention, Lettie Mae is reading a magazine when Lafayette gets home and is like WHERE BE TARA, and Lettie Mae says she's in the shower, and Lafayette is like HELLO WITH RAZORS AND MY WHOLE CABINET OF PILLS? And he runs to the bathroom, but it's too late because Tara is already gobbling down all the pills she can find! WHAT THE HELL? YOU KNEW EGGS FOR A WEEK. My man friend left me without a word after TWO YEARS, and all I did was have a cry and eat a whole chocolate cake. WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BLACK WOMAN EMPOWERMENT CAPE, TARA? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? SHOP AT HOT TOPIC, CUT YOUR HAIR, AND GET OVER IT.
So, on No Longer Half Dead Vampire Street, Jessica is driving up to where Bill pulled his BAMF move, and Sookie runs down to see that there are bodies in the car. Jessica pulls one out, but there are no wallets or phones or anything, but they do find a sort of brand on his neck, and it looks like a squiggly line or something, and they're like WTF?
SO JESSICA LOOKS ON THE ANCIENT RUNES APP THAT SOOKIE HAS ON HER PHONE THAT GET SERVICE ALL THE WAY IN MISSISSIPPI AND THEY FIND IT. IT MEANS OPERATION WERWOLF.
I'm sorry, but I have to call bullshit here. EXCUSE ME? WHAT? I swear.
Anyway, speaking of Operation Werewolf, Bill is vampiring through the woods like a...vampire, and he suddenly stops because HOLY SHIT there are like FIVE WOLVES SURROUNDING HIM. And they have lame glowing eyes, and they're like GRR ARGH, and Bill is like, I SHOULD WARN YOU, YO. I FED. And the wolves are like BRING IT. And Bill is like IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT'N.
END.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
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