Previously on True Blood…
Daphne turned into a doe, and it freaked Sam right the hell out! Jessica called Hoyt late and Maxine got very annoyed. Lafayette asked for his job back, and everybody wants to know what happened to him. Maryann announced she was moving in with Tara, but Tara said HELL NO! Sookie volunteers to infiltrate the FotS, Bill disagrees OF COURSE, but Eric is like YES SHE WILL BECAUSE I SAY SO. Tara pays the price for annoying Maryann, and that price is getting bitched out by everyone EVER. Douche Wife gifts Jason with the Holy Handjob, making the best face EVER. Eric reveals that he is so insane about finding Godric because Godric is his maker
We open up with everybody’s second favorite Photoshop monstrosity, Hotel Carmilla, and I must again give a yell to my Team Carmilla mateys from the LiveJournal comm Definitely_Dead. Inside the hotel, there is horrible elevator music playing, and we see some kind of lounge thing, and Lorena is walking through said lounge thing, accompanied by OOOH OOOOH OOOOOOOOH music, which always means bad, bad news is coming. The next thing we know, we’re staring at Eric sucking some girl’s blood, and honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks so ridiculous. It’s like he’s looking off at something else and not really paying attention, so he’s kind of crooked, and the girl is going “OHHH, OHHHHH” like she’s in a porn, and then she says “That’s it, baby…” Mistake.
Eric pulls away, his lips all red and sexy, and goes -_- and shoves her away, going “Baby? I’m over a thousand years old…” Meals in Heels goes O.O and asks if he’s having a good time, but it is obvious he is not. Eric mentions that there just isn’t much thrill left in feeding on the willing. I knew it! He has a case of immortal ennui, which, honestly, I have always found annoying in vampire media. O, TEH_MISERY of being over 1,000 years old and incredibly hot! Shut it, BABY. YOU LIVE FOREVER. I think you can get over it. Meals in Heels asks if she should try being unwilling, and Eric looks PAINED at her stupidity and tells her only if she is VERY, VERY good at it, which, I have a feeling she will not be. So, he bites her again, and she pretends to be unwilling, and….she is horrible. I mean, really REALLY horrible. The best part is that as she’s yelling “YOU SICK, BLOOD-SUCKING BASTARD,” Eric sort of pulls back and looks at her and goes [>.<] and shakes his head. HEE. After about a second of trying, he pulls away and looks behind him and holds up a finger in the ‘wait a second’ gesture. He then says, “Buffy, go” and the girl gathers up some money. BUFFY? BUFFY!?! AHAHAHAHA. WIN. Then Eric throws Meals in Heels a bone and tells her to tell her manager she was magnificent and that he will back up her story if he calls. AWW. Meals in Heals leaves, and we see that Eric’s new visitor is…LORENA! WTF! Credits.
After the credits, we’re back, and OH LOOK, Bill and Sookie are all post-coital, and for a moment, I’m afraid we’re going to have to watch them do it AGAIN, but then we are saved by a knock on the door. Bill gets in his bathrobe and goes to answer the door, and it’s Isabel and her boyfriend, Hugo. We get a LOL because Bill is all HEY BABY BABY WHO IS THIS? And Isabel goes -_- HE IS MINE, CHICO. AHAHA, she gives Bill a dose of his own medicine, and I love her a little. Anyway, Bill heats up some TruBlood in the fanciest microwave I’ve ever seen, and he and Sookie have a sit down with Isabel and Hugo. Isabel says she knows Bill is worried about Sookie, so she is offering to let Hugo go with Sookie to the FotS. Naturally, Bill is suspicious, and Sookie reads Hugo’s mind, and all she hears is OMG FOREVER AND EVER I LOVE YOU OMG FOREVER, and so she says that Hugo totally loves Isabel, so it’s all right. I don’t know about you, but there is something suspicious about this. He just seems really intent on thinking that. Hmm… Anyway, Isabel says that the FotS will be less suspicious if a man is there with Sookie, and Sookie agrees, so of course, Bill is all OMG FINE.
Back downstairs, in the lounge of IS ERIC WEARING LEATHER PANTS??, this is exactly what I was worried about in last week’s recap, but whatever. I suppose I will have to get over it. Anyway, Lorena sits down across from Eric, and Eric lounges like a big sexy Swedish thing and says he thought about booking her the room next to Bill and Sookie, but he decided it was a bit over the top. AHAHA, oh, Eric. Lorena asks WTF about her being there, and Eric says that they want the same thing. Lorena sort of arches a brow, and then we get yet another get moment from Eric. “Okay…Bill has something I want, and he’s in the way.” HEEEEE! HE JUST SAID HE WANTS SOOKIE! Ahem, anyway. Lorena is not impressed with this because OMG A HUMAN? Eric goes on about how Sookie is more than human, but whatever she is, Bill loves her. As though this is supposed to be some kind of motivation for Lorena. Lorena asks what makes Eric thinks she wants him back, and Eric leans forward with this arms all THERE and LOVELY, and says, “Because you didn’t come all this way just to see me.” MAYBE SHE DID. HAVE YOU SEEN YOU? PHWOAR.
Anyway, Lorena gets all bitchy because she hasn’t seen Bill in over 70 years so why should she have any pull over him. Eric gets all bitchy back at her and says that he hasn’t seen Godric in much longer than that, but he’s still loyal…FIERCERLY loyal, bitch. OMG THUR LUV IS SO TRU! Lorena tries to be all sexy and gets in Eric’s face all HEY BABY BABY WISH I WAS YOUR MAKER, but then mentions that Eric is not her type, and so we know that she is a big vampy lesbian because ERIC IS EVERYONE’S TYPE. From the misty look in Lorena’s eye, we can tell that a flashback is coming up, and boy, oh boy, it’s one of the most hilarious ones we’ve seen yet. Prepare yourself. Ready?
AHAHAHA, Bill is sitting at a piano in Chicago in 1926, and his hair is all slicked back as he starts SINGING. Maximum hilariosity. I’m not sure if that’s his real singing voice, but if it is, Bill just shot up in my books. I know that’s his actual piano playing. Anyway, he looks totally hot except for the fact that he is SUPER pale, and Lorena is there, too, of course, dressed like a flapper, and it is not a good look for her AT ALL. Lorena sets her eyes on a couple sitting on a couch, and the woman of the couple looks like a transvestite. Seriously. Lorena asks them if they’re enjoying the entertainment, but she says it in the WORST French accent I have ever HEARD. I took five freaking years of French and she is…I can’t even DEAL with this. Anyway, the nub and gist is that Lorena likes the necklace the transvestite is wearing, and she invites the couple to stay after the party for a big orgy with her and GUILLAUME. Enough of that.
So, back at SEXhole Bar and Grill, Sam and Daphne are still on the pool table, which is so totally ruined, and Sam FINALLY asks Daphne about her Back of Nasty. She tells him that she has no idea what happened. She remembers it happening, but she doesn’t know what made the gross scars. UH HUH. I BET YOU DON’T. Anyway, she asks if anybody else knows about him being a shifter, and Sam says that Sookie knows, and Daphne gets a little bit growly at that, then they have a big chat about having shifter pride. I’m kind of put off by Daphne’s whole carpe diem philosophy because she’s a big fake, but in the end, they dissolve into SEXY SEX again, and Sam thinks Daphne is the best girl in the world OMG!
Back at Casa del
Over at Cult Camp, Luke and Jason are hurrying up to the church because, apparently, they have been summoned by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and Jason is very nervous because, as we know, he received the holy hand job from Douche Wife just the night before. But no, all Reverend Douche wants is for him and Luke to do some carpentry and build a platform with a cross on it. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Douche Wife seems very nervous about all of this, and Jason wants to know why they have to build this platform thing. Are they being punished for something, he asks, and he can’t stop staring at Douche Wife’s finely manicured nails. Douche Wife is no fool, and she tells Jason to STFU and be grateful for the JOB he’s been given. AHAHA. Oh, Douche Wife, you are winning me over. She points out that Jesus was also a carpenter, so Jason should shut up and like it, and Reverend Douche is all AHAHAHAH.
He decides it’s time to let Jason and the Lukeanator in on the plan, and just as we all suspected, this platform is being built for a ceremony called “Meet the Sun.” The book readers in the audience go BOOHISSNOOO, but for those who haven’t, to “meet the sun” is when a vampire commits suicide by staying out in the sunlight at dawn. It looks like church is doing this against the vampire’s will, but that is not always so. Apparently, the FotS makes a big celebration about of this, and that is what is happening in a few days time. I guess we know where Godric is. Jason is visibly disturbed by this chain of events, but Jason knows, just like all of us Southerners know, you do not become a wrench in the cogs of the church. They will mow you the fuck down.
Back at Hotel SOOKIE WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, Hugo gives Sookie a fake engagement ring to wear, and they start going over the plan once they get to the FotS. Hugh mentions that it’s probably a good idea that he does all the talking, and we agree because we know that sometimes Sookie gets brain-mouth disease and a mess just comes flowing from behind her beautifully gapped teeth. Sookie agrees and says she’ll just stand there and look pretty, and Hugo goes O.O because apparently someone warned him about the Cape, and he tells he that’s not what he meant. Sookie shows him that her hideous dress is actually the Cape in disguise and tells him YES, IT WAS what he meant, but it’s okay. It’s okay? Sookie, are you feeling all right? Sookies says that plan is good because she’ll be able to concentrate on listening to their thoughts instead of making coversation. She tells Hugo that she’s had plenty of experience hearing the horrible things that people say about vampires, so she is the perfect person to pretend she is a vampire-hater.
Then, of course, the conversation drifts into the uncomfortable area of the relationships between humans and vampires. Sookie is actually cute and vulnerable for a minute when she asks if Hugo and Isabel fight, and Hugo tells her yes, but it’s okay because all the other whores he’s dated…well, he didn’t care enough to fight with them. Um, whut? AHAH. Sookie agrees with me, but then her world is destroyed because Hugo brings up how wigged out Isabel gets when he mentions her turning him. Sookie says that this thought NEVER ENTERED HER MIND NOT ONCE, and I have a hard time believing that. Hugo does too, and he reminds her that Bill will still be smoking hot when she is a wrinkly old woman, and how could he ever love her if she’s like that? Sookie is properly traumatized, and then they set off for the FotS! YAY!
So, now we’re on the highway of Let’s Make Fun of Maryann, and Tara and Eggs are driving in Maryann’s car, and then suddenly, Eggs gets all weird and starts telling Tara about geographical markers on the road. He claims he has never been there, but he knows exactly what is coming up on the road, and he makes Tara pull over, and he jumps out of the car. Tara is freaking out, and, personally, I have no idea WTF is going on, so I am with her. Eggs just starts wandering into the woods, leaving Maryann’s very expensive car behind. Hmm.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is trying to be all cute with Terry, and she tells him that she has a surprise for him, but Terry reminds her he doesn’t like surprises. I mean, really? This comes as a shock, Arlene? Terry is just so cute I can’t stand it. Daphne is over at Maxine Fortenberry’s table, and she reminds us that she is the worst waitress ever. Maxine jokes about how all the good waitresses keep getting killed, so maybe it’s a good thing that Daphne is crap. Ex-Detective Andy walks in and tells Sam he wants to talk to Lafayette. YAY LAFAYETTE! Lafayette is buttering some rolls in the kitchen, and Andy points out what we’ve all been noticing. He says that Lafayette has lost some of his pizzazz. So true, Andy. So true. Lafayette, who is wearing fabulous blue eye shadow btw, just sort of brushes it off. Then the magic of Lafayette returns for just a minute, coupled with the weird magic of the Epileptic on Meth. It is as follows.
Andy: So, for the record, where were you all that time?
Lafayette: I was on a cruise.
Andy: A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise.
Lafayette: A gay one.
Andy: …
Lafayette: Andy, why don’t you go head an tell me what you accusing me of.
Andy: You weren’t on any damn gay cruise. ‘Cause if you were, you would have come back with MORE pizzazz, not less.
AHAHAHAHA. I love it. Terry has walked in during the middle of all of this, and he’s sort of watching the scene all o.O, and Lafayette has just about enough of this, until Andy threatens to take him down to the station and lock him up. “Lock you up” is obviously the trigger to Lafayette’s complete and total freak out, which is what he does, and he huddles down into a corner. Terry is watching this, and he knows exactly what is up. Then…and I can’t believe that I am able to type this words…the greatest moment of this show SO FAR occurs. Again, prepare yourself.
Lafayette is all shuddering and freaking out, and when he looks back at Andy…IT IS NOT ANDY. IT IS ERIC. IT IS ERIC WEARING ANDY’S CLOTHES, AND ANDY’S VOICE IS COMING OUT OF ERIC’S BODY. It is BEYOND hilarious. Mostly because Askars is making Andy-like expressions, and just from the shape his mouth takes, you can tell he’s making it look like he speaks with a Southern accent. This moment is just BEYOND fantastic. Thank you, Alan Ball. Thank you. Anyway, Terry tells Andy to GTFO and reminds us that Andy isn‘t even a cop anymore, and then he cuddles with Lafayette and tells him it will be okay, as a new wave of fan girls is born across the internet. The Terry/Lafayette ship is born.
Back out on the floor, Hoyt comes STORMING in, and he throws his phone down on the table in front of his mom. Apparently, she has shut off his phone, and Hoyt is all worried that Jessica will think he’s “one of those guys who never texts back.” AHAHA. Maxine says that is fine because Jessica is OBVIOUSLY a WHORE and a GOLD DIGGER and YES, A WHORE REMEMBER because only gold digger whores call late at night. Hoyt has obviously had enough of this, and he tells his mom to turn his phone back on, and OH YEAH, Jessica is not a whore gold digger, she is a vampire SO THERE. Maxine is all scandalized because I guess she would rather Hoyt be dating a whore gold digger than a vampire. AHAH. Greatness.
Back in the back by the soda machine, Sam is all OMG DAPHNE because he lurves her, and he tells her they should skive off work and go shift and play in the woods because he keeps looking at his pool table and thinking about SEXY SEX. OMG, they are getting so annoying. Daphne agrees, and then Sam follows, so I guess Shithole Bar and Grill has no manager for the day. Sam, you are about to hit the ground so hard your teeth are going to rattle. I can’t wait.
Over in the Cult Camp Shop Class, Jason and Luke are thinking up vampire killing nursery rhymes and discussing the ins and outs of sin as they build the big platform of death. Luke tells Jason that he was just joking about Douche Wife wanting his man parts, and he thinks that Douche Wife is totally so holy it’s not even funny. HOW WRONG HE IS. Then we get another great moment, and we find out that Luke thinks adultery is right up there with incest or bestiality. Jason’s face is so priceless during all of this, and Luke goes on and on, and he lets us know that adultery, incest, and bestiality put TOGETHER aren’t as bad as sleep with a vampire…or a dude…or a vampire dude. There you have it, folks. The worst sin on the planet is GAY VAMPIRE SEX.
At the same time as this is going on, in the background, we see a car pull up, and then we realize it’s Sookie and Hugo (which begs the point, didn’t Sookie see Jason? Or doesn’t she remember that he’s there? Anyway.) They pull into the parking lot, traffic being directed by Douche Wife herself, and Sookie comments that she recognizes her but, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding. O.o Anyway, Douche Wife and Sookie have a nice-off, and Sookie totally forgets the whole “Hugo does the talking” part of the plan, and she talks WAY more than she normally does. Douche Wife CLAIMS she happened to be looking out the window just as they were driving up, but I don’t believe that for one second. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. Anyway, Sookie delivers the story that they’re looking for a church to get married in, and they are thinking of the FotS for their ceremony.
In Reverend Douche’s office, Sookie and Hugo go on with their story, and right behind Reverend Douche is a HUGE picture of Jesus, which is just funny to me for some reason. Sookie finally gets down to business and starts reading Reverend Douche’s mind, and right out of the gate, she gets that he’s thinking about the platform of death and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement to give him the justice that 2,000 years of living couldn’t. So yes, it is Godric, and Sookie just smiles and pretends like she’s a bigot, and she’s actually very convincing.
She gives us a nice segue into vampires being blood-thirsty and vicious, and we see Lorena laying down somewhere, totally fingering some necklace that looks VERY similar to the one that the transvestite was wearing in the earlier flashback. And we get ANOTHER flashback, and the orgy obviously isn’t going to so well because Bill has the guy and Lorena has the transvestite, and it is obvious that this Bill is not the Bill we know and love(?) today. He is mean and vicious and HORRIBLE, and I FREAKING LOVE IT. It’s so insane of a scene because Bill is just BAD, and they horribly murder the couple, (complete with very realistic neck wound) and we see that Bill was a bad ass at one point, but sadly, he no longer is. We also see that the necklace that Lorena was fingering is the one that Bill ripped off the disgustingly mutilated transvestite. He rips it off and gives it to Lorena, and then they proceed to have very hideous and slightly violent sex, completely covered with blood and sinew. It is disgusting, and yet…I want to have Bill’s evil vampire babies. WTF. What a mind trip. I can’t even deal with Bill being evil. It’s too much awesome for me. Thankfully, Lorena remains disgusting, and it is obvious that she was a big liar because she totally still loves Bill.
Back in the Woods of Egg’s Is A Freak, he and Tara have been walking forever, and they come upon some weird campsite. Tara is totally freaked out, and so is Eggs. He says he’s been there before, but he can’t remember it, and there are weird markings on rocks, and clothes with blood on them, and the whole thing is just bat shit crazy. They find a scary rock with blood all over it, and Eggs starts crying and freaking out. Mostly, I just have no idea WTF is going on, and wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STORYLINE. *SIGH*
So, we head back to Cult Camp, and we’re about to be shown the Church of Eternal Creepiness. Reverend Douche warns Sookie and Hugo to be careful because sometimes when they open the doors, so much AWESOME SNUGGLY GREATNESS comes FLYING OUT that it knocks you down. You know, as much of a douche he is, I really think that the guy playing Reverend Douche is really good at it. There is something totally hilarious yet completely terrifying about him. Anyway, they throw open the doors, and we see that the church has huge windows so that tons of sunlight comes in, and suddenly, Sookie starts to lose her shit. I guess she has finally realized that this place is not a SUPER FUN AWESOME place, and Reverend Douche is all OMG HAVE YOU BEEN TO A LOCK-IN? And I go YAY THEY’RE BACK TO THE BOOKS! While Reverend Douche is telling Sookie about the lock-in, she reads his mind and finds out OH NOES! He knows that she is not there to find a place to get married! He knows all about her and her mind reading powers, and this is BAD BAD BAD for Sookie.
She also hears Douche Wife who is thinking that she doesn’t want to bring Sookie into the mess, but Reverend Douche calls Sookie a ‘fang loving freakazoid’ in his head, and Sookie just sort of gulps and has the O, SHIT look on her face. O, SHIT indeed, Sook. This is when things get even WORSE when Cro-Mitch walks up, and the music starts picking up, and it’s all crazy violins, and OH NOES!
Then suddenly, we’re driving down Drunk Ex-Cop Road, and Andy is drinking and driving when suddenly, a collie and a HUGE FUCKING PIG cross the road. OMFG DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Daphne is the pig! DAPHNE IS THE FUCKING PIG, and she is with Maryann, and I KNEW IT. Okay, so I thought Eggs was the pig, but whatever. I knew that Daphne was bad, and now we know that she is! ANYWAY, Andy tears off after them screaming, “PIG! HEY, PIG! WAIT UP, PIG!” And then he trips and falls in the grass, and Daphne and Sam run off and shift back all AHAHA THAT WAS AWESOME. Sam asks Daphne why she turned into a pig because a doe is so much cuter, and he mentions that it was like Andy recognized her. Daphne tries to brush it off, but Sam keeps on all WTF that was weird, and then Daphne plays dirty and says OMG SHUT IT and slides down to her knees to give Sam an oral exam. And all I can think is, DUDE, HE WAS JUST A DOG. YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON DOG JUNK. And then I think OMG YOU WERE JUST A PIG. SAM, THERE IS A PIG MOUTH ON YOUR DOG JUNK. And then my brain exploded.
So, now we’re in the freezer at Shithole Bar an Grill, and Lafayette and putting some stuff away, when suddenly the door opens, and it’s PAM! YAY PAM! Though her hair is ridiculous. She has her sunglasses pushed up, and it’s just not very cute. Anyway, Lafayette has a freaking heart attack, and Pam is all AWWW HOW CUTE. Lafayette asks why they didn’t glamour him because he totally has PTSD, and Pam just laughs because OH, CUTE HUMAN. She tells him that Eric sent her, and she holds up a bottle of V and tells him that he is back in business. Lafayette says OMG NO, but Pam says OMG YES. Lafayette doesn’t understand because they tortured him for selling V, and now they want him to sell V? Hmm…Eric has some kind of plan, and it is probably a scary and insane plan, which means good times for us!
Back at Cult Camp Church of Creepiness, it gets even MORE creepy because Reverend Douche tells Sookie and Hugo they are going to see his father’s tomb! YAY!. Um, WHUUUUT? Douche Wife doesn’t seem so keen on this plan, and Reverend Douche INSISTS, and the crazy music starts, and Sookie starts panicking. They make up some excuse that they are claustrophobic, and Reverend Douche is all OMG GO DOWN THERE, pointing down some creepy stairs to what looks like a stereotypical sex slave basement, and Douche Wife is all OMG NO, and Sookie is all AHAHA WE HAVE TO GO, and the tension just builds and builds an BUILDS until FINALLY, Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch grab Sookie and Hugo and start forcing them down the stairs! AHHHH! Douche Wife is screaming, and Sookie is screaming, and way back at Hotel Carmilla, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and just as he is about to jump up and go and save her, LORENA jumps on him! OH NOES!
Sookie is fighting for her life, hanging onto the railing, and Reverend Douche calls Sookie the C-Word, and even Douche Wife goes OMG STEVE! Lorena is trying to sex it up with Bill, and Bill is trying to get up, but it’s just no use. Apparently, since Lorena is his maker, she has some crazy super strength over him, and he is just powerless to get up. It’s actually a really horrible thing to see. She starts kissing him just as Sookie is dragged down in the Cult Camp Sex Basement, and Douche Wife is all freaking out and says OMG SORRY and slams the door. PHEW. That scene just completely took it out of me, so I was not prepared for the madness that was about to follow. Because I care, I tell you, yet again, PREPARE YOURSELF.
We go back to Casa de Dragon Lady, and Eggs and Tara walk into the house, and it is TRASHED, YO. I mean, seriously. Tara and Eggs are all WTF and they walk through the house and randomly pick up a joint as they look for any signs of life. There are clothes scattered everywhere, and they go out back, and we hear some creepy drum music. Tara and Eggs walk through the mountains of clothes, and when they come up into the clearing behind the house, we see…there are almost no words for the hideous sight before us.
It is yet another orgy, and this time, it is a real orgy. Instead of just sexy dancing and hilarious foot antics and dirt eating, it is SEXY SEXY AND MORE SEX. I mean, this is by far the most sex they’ve had on the show at one time, and it’s probably more sex than the whole of all the episodes so far. EVERYBODY is there. We have to see Creepy Mike Spencer getting it on with Jane Bodehouse, and Terry and Arlene are there, and everybody has the black eyes, and instead of making sexy noises, they’re all grunting like animals all UGHHH UGGGHHHH, and it’s just GROSS. In the middle of it are Weird Butler, who is wearing a hilarious robe, and Maryann who is doing her hippy hippy shake, and there is a bull head mask on the ground beside her. PHEW. At least this means that she doesn’t turn into the Bull Man Thing, she just LOOKS like she does. She gets the crazy claws, but the head is fake. I am relieved. Tara and Eggs just go WTF, and Maryann looks at them all YEAH? WHAT? And then continues on her merry way.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Back at Hotel Jailbait, the window shades are rolling up, and Jessica jumps up out of bed in her underwear and immediately checks her phone. No calls or messages from Hoyt, and she acts like an annoying teenager and throws her phone. Then she acts like an annoying teenager some more and pours $45 bottles of TruBlood down the sink while casting a petulant look at Bill‘s door. *SIGH* WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE HER? Then suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and when she goes to answer it, it is Hoyt. And he brought her flowers. And now everyone thinks they are so fantastically wonderful and cute. (Okay, Hoyt is cute, but them together…NEVER.) I am now, more than ever, convinced that she will be dead before the end of the season. That is just the way these things go.
It’s nighttime at Cult Camp, and Jason is walking into the Church Kidnap, and Douche Wife is up in the balcony crying, presumably because of the whole thing with Sookie and because she hates her husband. Jason goes up to comfort her, but Douche Wife spills the beans instead. She tells Jason that the Soldiers of the Sun are actually an army to start a war with vampires, and she just cries and cries because OMG MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE and…”he uses the c-word!” At that moment, I grew to love Douche Wife, just for a minute. Because in the next minute, she and Jason are getting it on IN THE CHURCH because GOD WANTS IT. IT’S GOD’S PLAN. And I hate her again. Though I have to say she is very cute without a shirt. Anyhoo…
Then we’re suddenly back in DON’T TRUST HER Woods, and Daphne is leading Sam somewhere, and I think we all know where that somewhere is. Sam hears the drum music and says, “In my experience, no good can come from drum music. You follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults.” AHAHAHAH, how right you are, Sam. Because in the next second, Daphne turns completely insane, and two random orgy-goers jump out of the woods and attack Sam, and they drag him over to the site of the orgy from hell, and now even Tara and Eggs are in on it, and the whole thing just makes me really, really uncomfortable. Sam is completely freaked out, as he should be, and the black-eyed crazies drag him over to Maryann, and Daphne has the craziest voice EVER as she joins Maryann and gets the bull head mask ready for her. She puts it on Maryann, who starts talking in that crazy language, and then Weird Butler brings out a big ceremonial knife, and Sam starts SCREAMING LIKE A LOON, and SO DO WE! AHHHHHHHH!
End credits.
I mean REALLY. WHAT THE HELL? Does anybody else feel completely insane after watching that mess? WHOA. At least I am seeing some semblance of the books coming back, and they are really making up for the snore fests we’ve been watching, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?
What did you think?
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