Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Never Let Me Go" aka ARE YOU SERIOUS?

True Blood Season 2: “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood…Bill throws Hoyt out for getting all handsy with Jessica and it’s for Hoyt’s protection srsly, guys. Tara tells Maryann she’s going to live with Sookie, and Maryann thinks that idea is hilarious! Sookie also tells Tara she’s going to Dallas because it was a deal to save Lafayette, and Tara didn’t know Lafayette was back, but now she does and she also knows everything that happened to him. Jason gets recruited into the FotS’ crazy vampire extermination squad, and Douche Wife starts putting the moves on him in her sexy little nightgown, and the boys tell Jason she’s a big nasty skank, but Jason doesn’t believe it, ya’ll! Some random guy tries to kidnap Sookie from the airport, but Bill saves the day and finds out that it was the FotS that did it. We also see a flashback to remind us of who made Bill, the horrendous Lorena. AHAHA, we see how Eric came and gave Lafayette the Healing Elixir to make him feel better, presumably because Eric is all “intrigued” by Sookie and wants to get on her good side. Maryann throws Tara a b-day party to remember, Sam and Maryann get all snippy in the kitchen, and Maryann shows us that she is the Bull Man Thing! Sookie meets Barry the Bellboy, who is telepathic like her, but he runs away when she tries to talk to him. Daphne reveals she knows Sam’s secret! Gasp and shock!



We pick back up at the party at Sookie’s Roadhouse, and Sam and Daphne are walking through the woods away from the party, and Sam goes “Uh, what did you say?” Daphne is walking and taking off her clothes, going -_- at Sam, and Sam just keeps on saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and I think he might have even had the nervous AHAHAHAH laugh. Anyway, Daphne goes on about how she could see the loneliness in Sam’s eyes, and how it doesn’t have to be that way, and Sam is STILL going “HUH? WHUT?” but by this time, Daphne is pulling down her dress, and her gross Back of Nasty only slightly diminishes the fact that she has butt cleavage showing that is very cute, and she disappears behind a tree. Sam goes to chase after her, saying “I ain’t in the mood tonight, little girl,” and part of me goes HEEEE, CUTE! And another part of me goes O.O CREEPY. Little girl? Ick and yay! I’m so confused. Sam goes and looks in the bushes where Daphne disappeared, and instead of her, he finds a doe, a deer, a female deer! Sam sort of stares at it and goes, “Well, hey!” as though he has been friends with this deer his entire life and doesn’t realize that it’s Daphne. But then the deer turns into Daphne, and Sam goes O.O in the most hilarious OMG face I’ve ever seen, and we go to credits, so I guess he really didn’t know that it was Daphne. What a dork.

As I said in my voice post, possibly the best before the credits bit yet.

After the credits, Sam is just O.O and completely freaked out, and he’s holding all of Daphne’s clothes and pointing, and he’s just so cute. Anyway, he asks how Daphne found out about him, and it turns out that when Sam and the collie were having their run and jumping into Lake Merlotte, Daphne was being a creepo and watching, and she saw a dog go into the water and Sam come up in it. Sam is all AHAHA, and then Daphne says, “Isn’t this great?” and Sam agrees, but I am a student of the Way of Too Good to Be True, so I can already sense this isn’t going to end well for Sam. A pretty girl who is also a shape-shifter all suddenly in love with him? Yeah, that happens every day. For the moment, I’ll let Sam be cute and enjoy himself. They start kissing, and at that exact moment, Terry and Arlene come stumbling in, and Daphne and Sam go O.O. Sam tries to hide Daphne’s total nakedness, and Daphne says, “Oh, crap. Hand me my drawers.” AHA. Sam tries to play it off, and I just so happened to pause my DVR at just the right time, so you can see that Terry has the biggest cheesiest smile ever, and Arlene just looks SCANDALIZED. Terry’s hair is all messed up and cute, but Arlene still hates Daphne, so Daphne takes that time to run away, and Arlene comments “It’s in the air, I guess.” Sam is all AHAH, and Terry looks like he’s about to freak out and start killing insurgents. He then picks Arlene up and says, “Come on, special lady” and carries her away. HEEE. I love him. I really do. Sam just sort of goes o.O and goes to look for Daphne.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Sookie is still chasing Barry the Bellboy (HI, BARRY!) down the hallway, and I swear to you, he looks like the Busch brothers from NASCAR, and it’s very distracting. Anyway, Barry wants nothing to do with Sookie, but Sookie sees a new BFF, so she is not letting this one get away so easily. As he’s trying to run away, a guy comes zombie-walking up the hallway, his neck all bitten and bloody, and we get our first chance to see what it’s like inside the head of a person who has been hypnovamped. Apparently, it’s “fog and disco music.” Neat. Anyway, after that little interruption, Barry tries to run away again, and Sookie asks him if they’re able to hypnovamp him. Barry says no, but he pretends, which really is kind of smart, except when they want you to do something you don’t want to do and then you show them that you’re not hypnovamped. That is the point, I’d say, they’d kill you. Anyway, Barry seems really freaked out by the whole situation, especially when Sookie mind-asks him if he can hear vampire thoughts, and Barry finally stops and turns around says OMG NO AND DON’T EVEN SAY THAT. Sookie kind of snickers because she didn’t say it, actually.

Barry finally turns around and lays into Sookie. He calls Bon Temps a “fried corn-on-the-cob town,” and tells her that her vampires are lame compared to his because this is Dallas, baby. Oh, Barry. You don’t know Sookie, so you don’t know the mistake you just made. Sookie whips her Cape out from under her fluffy bathrobe, and tells him to watch his tone of voice and NOT to call her “baby.” Barry fills Sookie in on the fact that the Dallas vampires are freaking bad asses, but frankly, if Godric is the only one that we know of that is older than Eric, who is more badass than him? No one I can think of. Anyway, Barry is under the impression that if the vampires knew what he could do, they’d suck him dry, but that doesn’t really make any sense either. I mean, Eric, Pam, Chow, and Bill know what Sookie can do, and she’s just fine. ANYWAY. Barry says he doesn’t want to be Sookie’s BFF and storms away. Sookie just sort of stands in the hallway and goes “UGH!”

Back in the room, Bill is admonishing Jessica for ordering room service, and she points out that, technically, he never said she couldn’t order room service. Bill equates Jessica eating the Meal with him letting her watch porn, which is when Sookie walks in, and Jessica says OMG PORN, SOOKIE, and Sookie goes, “I know. Yuck.” Whatever, Sook. You and Bill make porn together all the time. Bill sends Jessica to her room, and she makes one of those comments that are turning out to be her signature. “You are going to be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.” As soon as Jessica is gone, Bill starts asking Sookie OMG WHERE YOU BEEN, and Sookie LIES right to Bill’s face and tells him she was asking about candy machines and continental breakfasts. Bill does not like this at all, and he tells her she can’t be wandering off because things are Dallas are more complicated than they thought.

Sookie tries to get all cute and gets all up on Bill, telling him how those vampires can’t touch her because every part of her belongs to him. I’m so sure that’s going to stop them, Sook. Sookie tries to be all SEXY SEXY, but Bill totally puts a stop to that for the first time in history. Sookie seems a bit put out by this. Then I get my first LOL of the night. Bill says to Sookie. “Tell me you understand. Promise me you’ll do as I say NOT because I say it but for your own sake.” AHAHA. He makes SURE she knows it’s not because he’s telling her because Bill has enough going on without having to worry about the Cape coming out and smacking him about the neck and shoulders. Sookie comments that she knows there’s a lot of shit going on, and she totally doesn’t want to get beaten up or dead, so she won’t do anything stupid. (RIGHT.) Then Sookie gets that gleam in her eye, and tells Bill to just STFU for once and enjoy their little vacation. Bill is not the type of guy who enjoys anything, so Sookie plays dirty and takes off her robe to show of her little white nightgown, and that gives Bill DERR Face. She pushes him back on the couch and goes on about how the hotel is “LAHT-TAAHT” so they have something to celebrate because they get to spend the whole night together. Okay, so that is kind of cute, I have to admit. They dissolve into making out, and I’m sure SEXY SEX is to follow, but thankfully, we don’t have to see it.

So, in the other room, while her vampire dad is getting it on, Jessica uses her stolen cell phone to call Hoyt, who answers his phone, “You’re talkin’ to the maaan.” AHAHAHA. I should point out, he’s reading a comic book in his bedroom, which is in his mother’s house. Anyway, Jessica is all “You might not remember me…” but Hoyt totally remembers her, and they have a schmoop-off to see who can make us more sick. (I should bring up another point from my voice post. Everybody screams about Bill/Sookie schmoop, but then everything LOVES Hoyt and Jessica and THEIR SCHMOOP IS WORSE.) This is the point when Maxine walks in and starts yelling at Hoyt for having phone calls so late, so Hoyt pushes her out and locks the door, then settles down to do that thing that everybody does when they are fifteen on the phone--let’s watch TV on the phone together, or, I KNOW, I’ll read you my comic book. HOW ROMANTIC. *headdesk*

Over at Cult Camp, we see Jason sleeping peacefully in his bed of MARRIAGE KILLING, and then suddenly, some guy who looks like a more Cro-Magnon version of Mitch Pileggi (Skinner in the HIZZY, YO!) comes in and blows an air horn. Jason flies out of bed, and Cro-Mitch tells him to OMG GET UP AND GET YOUR SWEATS ON FOR JESUS. Outside, the Jesus Warriors are lining up for morning PT? I am not even sure what’s happening here. Is this God Army? I mean, honestly. At least there is an ample portion of Luke pwnage because Luke can eat it. Jason and Luke have a push-up contest, and Jason starts to do one-armed ones, which is pretty hilarious. Cro-Mitch says, “ I pray Jesus isn’t watching this crap today.” I wish I wasn’t watching it either. Oy.

Back at Sookie’s Roadhouse, which has turned into Tara’s House of Lurve, she is waking up with Eggs in her bed (the person, not the food, thankfully, though after that party, who knows) and she has some quiet reflection moments where she puts her ear against Eggs’ chest, presumably to listen to his heart beat. Weird, but okay. Then she turns over and grabs the Photoshop Monstrosity and looks it all lovingly. This is when Eggs wakes up, and they have some morning schmoop where Tara tells Eggs all about how great Gran was. I know I should be happy for Tara, but something about all of this just isn’t right. I’m telling you that Eggs is going to turn out to be some weird Maryann robot who is just there to give Tara what she wants. Hopefully, he will bite it in the end, but probably not.

Anyway, it’s also morning back at Second Worst Photoshop Ever Hotel, and Sookie is waking up beside Bill, and we see her upper girl parts in shadow because we just can’t go an episode without seeing AP’s fantastic nakedness. Bill is all snuggled up with a pillow because he’s used to sleeping in the dirt under his house. It’s sort of cute. Remember how Sookie said she wasn’t going to do anything stupid? Well, she doesn’t either because she totally sneaks out of the hotel room and goes down to bother Barry some more. I mean, it’s not like the vampires are going to be up to bother her or anything, but so far, most of Sookie’s troubles have come from non-vampire folk.

Downstairs, Barry is setting up the continental breakfast, and Sookie, who apparently has never stayed in a hotel ever, thinks the continental breakfast should be more continental. Grouchy Pants Barry grumbles, “Well, the danishes are Danish, and they’re free.” OMG FREE? Sookie is very excited about this, but let’s face it, I would be, too, because I love free stuff. No matter what it is. If it’s free, I want it. Sookie tries to get down to business, but Barry still wants nothing to do with her. Sookie just doesn’t get this point, and she’s sort of becoming an annoying stalker. We find out it’s because Barry is a saddo about his ability. He thinks it’s a curse, and he’s never really figured out how to block people out so he’s a little crazy. Barry forever has a place in my heart because of one moment in this scene. Sookie is babbling on about…well, who even knows what…but she says, “But lately, since I met my boyfriend…” and Barry rolls his eyes and goes -_-. HA HA, Barry, that is how we all feel these days.

Just then, some hideously awful fang banger’s thoughts come into Sookie and Barry’s heads, and she’s going on about getting her girl parts waxed, and Barry is all O.o and Sookie tries to help him learn to shut her out by jabbering on inside his head a million miles a minute. Barry looks like his head is going to explode, and, thankfully, the fang banger walks over to interrupt. Barry starts to walk off with her, but Sookie is not to be deterred, and she grabs Barry’s arm and tells him he can control it and that she can be his teacher. Poor Barry is just overwhelmed, so he tells Sookie to GTFO and then runs away. Sookie settles for taking a banana and goes back up to her room, defeated but not beaten.

Back upstairs, Sookie changes into a nightgown and tries to crawl back into bed with Bill before he wakes up, but of course, he does wake up, and we find out why we don’t see vampires in the day time. WHOA. Bill looks completely haggard and scary--I mean, more than usual--and he, of course, gets the mega-hump about Sookie wandering off into the hotel. She tells him about Barry, and then Bill gripes at her for telling Barry what he is, but Sookie just does not see why this is a problem. Barry is a grouch, and Sookie thinks he’s harmless, but Bill goes on and on about how everybody knowing about Sookie’s mind-melding makes it harder for him to keep her safe. Sookie has had about enough of this talk, and she gets on her soapbox about how she is SO great at mind-melding, and if she was just supposed to come to Dallas to be quiet and take orders that she might as well be back at Shithole Bar and Grill serving beer. What? How does that analogy even work? Sookie makes my head hurt when she tries to be intelligent. Sookie reminds Bill that he’s the one who told her she’s more than just a waitress. OH, so it’s BILL’S fault we have to deal with her this way! DAMN YOU, BILL.

Actually, if I remember correctly, and I’d like to think I do, when Bill said that, it was in a totally different context, but whatever. Bill knows this is a lost cause, so he gets all pouty and sits up, and Sookie is all OMG BILL TALK TO ME. Uh oh, she’s starting that thing that women do that makes men run away. But Bill is no ordinary man, and he starts on about how he’s supposed to keep Sookie and Jessica safe, but none of the decisions that are made are his. WELCOME TO LIFE, BILL. Sookie pipes up and is all AHAH LIKE A HUMAN? But Bill says NO, LIKE A WAITRESS. AHAH, owned, Sookie. Sookie makes a stupid reply of “You’re walking in my shoes, and it’s giving you blisters.” Like Sookie’s shoes as a telepathic waitress are just SO uncomfortable and you have to have SUCH SKILL to walk in them. OMG STFU, Sookie. I’m not saying it’s not hard to be a waitress. It totally is. But there are harder things, like, I don’t know BEING A VAMPIRE IN A HATEFUL AND BIGOTED WORLD WHERE YOU ARE HUNTED FOR YOUR BLOOD? Ugh. Sookie is really testing my patience anymore.

Then Bill brings up that Eric is “strangely intense” about everything that’s going on, and that makes Bill nervous. Sookie is all PFFT WHATEVS AT ERIC, but Bill reminds her that he is a crazy badass who doesn’t care about anybody. His exact words are something like, “What’s it to him to break a contract with a girl?” And Sookie goes -_- and flaps her Cape about and says “A WOMAN.” Bill actually laughs. Go, Bill! Sookie says that Eric needs her (HEE!) and that he won’t want to make her mad. AHAHAHA WHUT? I’m so sure Sookie is SOOO SCARY when she’s mad that Eric will be nice to her. I THINK NOT. Bill then tries to get all serious again, saying he can’t lose Sookie, and Sookie answers that he never will, and their love violins start playing, but it’s really hard to take them seriously because they are underneath a purple comforter. A VELVET, PURPLE COMFORTER.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is sitting down smoking and drinking a soda while Daphne is working, and they get into a little spat. Terry walks in, and Arlene is all HEY, BABY, BABY, and Terry just sort of goes o.O at her. Awww, Terry. They then give him a PTSD moment about making some ice tea, and…

This is the point where I went back and read what I had written, and now I totally get Sookie’s attempt at analogy because ALL waitresses do is shut up and take orders! So, actually, it is a good analogy, but WTFever, Sookie. You’re getting paid to work, not to have a brain, so STFU.

Anyway! Arlene chases after Terry to make him feel better, and Sam comes out, so he and Daphne get all googly eyed at each other. Sam asks her why she ran off, and she tells him she always needs a run after a shift, and that she thought she had blown his mind enough for one night, I mean, with all the shifting and nakedness. Sam is all NUH UH, and I am more and more sad by Daphne’s inevitable betrayal. I just feel it coming. Arlene is being all nosy about this, but as Daphne is walking away, Arlene goes O.O and YAY, it’s Lafayette! He is looking his fabulous self, and wants to talk to Sam. This should be interesting.

Except that it’s not. Lafayette doesn’t tell him a damn thing. He just wants to know if he can have his job back. Sam tries to have a big fight with him, but Lafayette really doesn’t say a word, and in the end, Sam gives him his job back, of course. Meanwhile, Lafayette looks totally pretty, and I love him, but there’s something about this scene that is off-putting. He was just sort of blah and sad, and that is not the Lafayette we saw last week who was humping a chair. I hope he gets himself worked out AND FAST.

Back at Vampire Killing Boot Camp, Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch are chasing the recruits around in a Gator, going on about being out of ammo and vampires chasing them. The whole thing is just insane. Just then, some loser guy falls down, and Jason tries to get him to get back up while Luke just leaves him behind. Jason warns him to pace himself, and Luke is all AHAH THIS IS MY PACE. Jason grumbles and catches back up, leaving the loser behind, and Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch zoom on past him, too.

In the kitchen of Guests That Won’t Leave, Maryann is cutting up fruit, and there is fruit EVERYWHERE. Where does she get it all? I mean, this is ridiculous. Do they eat anything else? Tara comes in and sees her and is all o.O about why she is still there, and Maryann drops the bomb that she, Eggs, and Weird Butler are going to stay there and live with her! YAY! Tara does not think this is YAY because doesn’t Maryann have that big beautiful house? Maryann reveals that no, it wasn’t her house, it was a client’s house and he came home from Peru or something. What? What? A client? What kind of client? So Maryann is homeless? What the hell is this? Tara feels the same way and tells Maryann that they can’t stay there. It is, after all, Sookie’s house. When Tara tells her this, Maryann gets all hurt and upset and storms out. Isn’t that how it always is? People claim to do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but when they want something in return and you can’t give it, they get all pissed off. In Maryann’s case, it’s probably not such a good idea to piss her off, though.

Tara goes into the living room where Eggs is playing the guitar, and Tara is all like WTF? Eggs is like oh, yeah, we’re homeless, but if you don’t want us to move in, whatevs. Tara is just flabbergasted, and now she wants to know just what the hell is going on. She’s mad about being lied to, and then she asks what the hell Eggs’ deal is with Maryann. “I’m not her dog” he says, and I say AH HA! A clue! Eggs tells Tara it’s really about her being so messed up from having a crazy alcoholic mom that she doesn’t know what family is. I beg to differ, sir. She has horrible Photoshop proof that she knows what family is! Then Eggs gets all huffy and huffs out. Poor Tara.

Back at Cult Camp, they’re making the recruits climb a fence, and when Luke can’t do it, Cro-Mitch is all OMG YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD ON THE OTHER SIDE, and Jason loves this shit so much that when Luke fails, Jason jumps up on the fence and gives Luke a hand up, telling him he can do it. Luke hates it, but he takes Jason’s hand, and Jason proceeds to push him off the fence. AHAHA, Jason 2, Luke 0. I should note that Douche Wife is all HEY BABY, BABY during all of this.

And now the part everyone has been waiting for! ERIC! We’re in some fancy house, and I can only assume that the two other vampires in the room are Stan and Isabel. Stan is just as hilarious as I always imagined, and the chick who plays Isabel was on The Dresden Files, and I hated her, so I hate her on principle. Sookie, meanwhile, is wearing yet another hilarious outfit, and it is a dress that looks like it’s made of a huge red bandana. Her hair is a tragedy, and I just have to laugh myself silly at the styling going on here. I mean, what? Eric is all pacing and bitchy, asking if they are sure Godric was kidnapped by the FotS, but the Isabel and Stan can’t agree. Stan wants to annihilate the FotS, but Isabel is all “OHH, vampire hating church annihilated…wonder who did it.” BWUAHA, good times. Bill goes on about how the King of Texas wouldn’t like it, but Stan doesn’t care, and Isabel mentions this isn’t the time for a power play. Hmm…

This is when Eric freaks right the fuck out and is all OMG YOU ARE INCOMPETENT. Stan and Isabel are all o.O THE FUCK? Isabel reminds Eric they only invited him to be nice and that he has no say in Texas. Stan is all AHAH YEAH take your puppets and go home. Eric is all UH, NO, and Sookie has to flap her Cape and point out that she is no one’s puppet (except, she totally is.) Bill tries to diffuse the situation by coming up with a plan. Stan says he has a plan because OMG THIS IS WAR, and Eric just goes IDIOTS and dramatically stalks from the room.

Back at the Mansion that Jesus built, we see Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife having an argument while Cro-Mitch tries not to hear. Obviously, Douche Wife is not happy with the status of her home life, and she thinks Reverend Douche is getting all insane about Jesus Boot Camp and not paying enough attention to her. Aww, poor Douche Wife. Jason comes downstairs at that moment, and Douche Wife is all OMG JASON! They act like nothing is wrong, and they tell Jason that he’s risen to the next level. When Jason asks what that is, Reverend Douche grabs him up and leads him off to show him. Douche Wife is all “I’ll go too!” but Reverend Douche says WE GOT THIS. Douche Wife goes ;_;

On the way down to the super secret room, Reverend Douche is all OMG MARRIAGE YUCK. Jason is slightly scandalized by this, but Reverend Douche is all never mind about that. Look what we have! LOTS OF GUNS! Guns, flamethrowers, bows and arrows--it’s just a mess of weapons for vampire killing. This place just went from hilarious to totally frightening. Reverend Douche mentions they’ve got a guillotine on order, except he pronounces it “gill-o-teen” which makes me hate him a little bit more. Not to mention Jason, who picks up a rocket launcher and joins in on the fun. *SIGH* Unbelievable.

Outside Shithole Bar and Grill, Maryann and Weird Butler pull up, but Maryann tells him they aren’t going inside. She stares all intensely at the bar with laser beam eyes. Uh oh. Inside, everything starts to go to hell. Apparently, along with working everybody into a SEXY SEXY frenzy, Maryann can also make them fight. Everybody starts screaming and yelling at Tara, and the whole thing would be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t so sad and terrible for Tara. Arlene is probably the most hilarious one of all of them, which is saying a lot since I hate her. Anyway, finally Tara has had enough after we hear TARA! TARA! TARA! TARA! Like a million times, and she tells everybody OMG FUCK YOU and goes to the end of the bar to collect herself. Outside, Maryann looks like she just had an orgasm and says, “We’re done.” and they drive away. OOOH, BITCH.

Back in the tackiest bathroom ever, Jason is having a bath, when suddenly, Douche Wife sneaks in! Jason is all O.O, but we have seen this coming for a while now. After a moment of her smooth talking, where she talks about Mary Magdalene and Jesus and shows off her SEXY SEXY bath poof, Jason totally gives in, and he gets a Holy Handjob. Honestly, though, from the way Douche Wife was acting, I don’t know that this is a normal thing for her. She seemed nervous, and she looks like she genuinely likes Jason as more than just a friend, not just somebody to jump. Eh, either way, WHORE.

Back at Stan’s House of Terrible Plans, Stan is going on about his terrible plan of killing everyone in the FotS, and Isabel is screaming back at him about what an idiot he is, and in the middle of their little spat, Eric shows his incredible skill of PWNING random décor by violently destroying a vase, and FREAKING out. He’s all, “OMG GODRIC IS AWESOME AND YOU GUYS SUCK.” ASkars’ accent starts to slip out when he’s angry and yelling, and I LOVE IT. Bill tries to cut in to, again, diffuse the argument, mentioning that HELLO, YOU HAVE A TRAITOR. Sookie remembers she is in the room after staring at Eric all O.O for about a year and reminds them that she was totally almost kidnapped, ya’ll. Bill mentions that they were the only people who knew that Sookie was coming, and they start accusing each other until Sookie gets fed up and decapitates them all with her Cape.

She tells them that is going to infiltrate the FotS, and Bill goes OMG NO, and Eric is like SHUT IT, BILL. Sookie tells them it’s totally easy, and nobody knows who she is so they’ll never suspect. She’ll sneak it, listen to people’s thoughts, and then be gone. Because, yes, everything on this show goes as planned, especially things that Sookie plans. Stan is tired of this nonsense, so he puts on his cowboy hat and is OUT, YO. Isabel agrees that it’s probably the easiest way to get what they want, and Eric makes the proclamation that Sookie is going to do it, and that is that. Bill looks properly bitch slapped, and he asks Eric for a word. They slip off together, and Bill finally gets down to it. He is all WTF ERIC? Remember the Bull Man Thing? Everything is crazy! Eric just keeps that same face he always has, and Bill asks “All this for a colleague?” WTF IS UP WITH YOU AND GODRIC. Eric gets that slack-jawed face everybody gets when they’re about to have a flashback, and…

FLASHBACK! We see three SEXY SEXY Vikings, completely with furry boots and shields, and one of them is Eric, and they’ve obviously been in a pretty rough battle because Eric is messed up big time. The other two lay him down, and I swear it looks like he’s wearing and old-timey version of his black tank top. I almost laughed myself silly. Anyway, Eric is all OMG LEAVE ME, I AM FINISHED, and the Vikings just be Vikings and talk about Valhalla and beer and women, and they’re like AHAHA ERIC LOVES WOMEN. So, they pick him up and take him to camp, and he’s laying there totally dying, when suddenly, some crazy THING starts running around totally killing all of his men. I mean, it is blood fountains everywhere, and Eric is all o.O, and then we FINALLY get to see Godric.

And this is when I had to pause because I couldn’t stop laughing. Godric looks like he’s about twelve, and he’s all covered with tattoos, and he looks like a twink at a rave. I mean, SRSLY? This is the guy who made the awesomeness that is Eric? A RAVER TWINK? AHAHAHAHA, I love this show. Anyway, Godric is looking at Eric like he’s totally in love with him, and he goes on about how he watched him on the battlefield and how he’s OMG SO MAGNIFICENT. I mean, this guy is seriously crushing on Eric like there is no tomorrow. Eric takes a moment to bitch about his men getting killed, and even on his death bed, he’s totally awesome and says he would totally fight Godric for killing his men. That’s when Godric is like HEY BABY, BABY, and is all “Wanna be my companion?”

Again, tons of lulz for me because Godric makes this speech how he will be Eric’s father, brother, and child (AND LOVER AHAHA), and in classic(!) Eric fashion, Eric’s response is, “What’s in it for me?” AHAHA. Of course, he agrees because this means he gets to live, and Godric bites him, and Eric is all >.<, and then we flashback to present time, and Eric is all emo and answers Bill by telling him that Godric is his maker. That is so not what Bill was expecting, and Eric sort of looks down all ;_; because his daddy is missing.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, it’s closing time, and since only Sam and Daphne are left, we can assume it’s also SEXY SEX time. They start talking about what it’s like to shift, and apparently, it involves a lot of pressure on their neither regions. Wow, sounds like fun. O.o. Anyway, they start getting naked on the pool table, and then…I shit you not, this is what is said.

Sam: Well, are you going to say it, or should I?
Daphne: Say what?
Sam: Nice rack.
Daphne: Nice balls.

OMG SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? *stabstabstab*

Anyway, back at Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill are walking back in, and she stops him and says she has some human business to attend to. She goes over to the counter and asks if Barry is working, but the receptionist says that Barry quit. AHAHA, way to go, Sook.

Tara comes in after her disastrous day at work, and we have the second ARE YOU SERIOUS moment of the show. Maryann, the guest who will not leave, is sitting at the kitchen table DRESSED IN AN APRON LIKE GRAN. She is even reading a book, and I’m pretty sure that book was called HOMESICK. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! Tara is wigged out by this, too, and Maryann makes sure that Tara knows they went and looked at houses but they couldn’t find anything but they’d be out by morning. Oh, by the way, Tara, Maryann also put all your favorite things in the fridge and made you dinner. *headdesk* This is when Tara, of course, tells her that she doesn’t want her to go, and says that she will call Sookie and it will be all right OMG PLZ STAY. Oh, that Maryann is a sneaky bitch.

Then we’re back in the Room of I Hate Vampires But I Am One, Bill is going on about how stupid and petty Stan and Isabel are because they live together, and Sookie starts going on about how Bill isn’t like that because he has a heart even though it doesn’t beat. She says there wasn’t another vampire in that room that could say that they are able to love, but AHAHAHA, HOW WRONG SHE IS. Bill wants to sneak back home, but Sookie says no because she gave her word to Eric. Bill then starts on about how if anything happens to Sookie at the FotS, but she shuts him right up and tells him it’s no big deal. Then of course, she has to put the moves on him, and Bill says that it’s been a long night, and she doesn’t have to…you know…because he’d be satisfied to simply hold her. HEE, Bill is being cute, but Sookie has to ruin it because OMG SHE WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED. She wants him “every which way.” Sookie has turned into such a nympho, and, of course, their love violins start, and they get down to business.

But then…walking down another hall, we see…LORENA! NOOO, and she hears what’s going on in that room, and she gets this look in her eye that cannot mean good things for Sookie. OH NOES!

End.


Next week, YAY PAM!


THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE BOOKS, SO IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS FOR UPCOMING STUFF, DO NOT READ IT!

The little promo for next week shows what I think is Eric having summoned Lorena to show up in Dallas. I do not like this idea if that is indeed what we are seeing. It seems like he’s trying to push a wedge between Bill and Sookie, and those of us who have read the books know that this is not how it happened. What happens between Bill and Sookie is free of Eric, and that is what makes it so horrible. If he is using Lorena to get between Bill and Sookie…I’m not sure I can forgive the producers. That is just such a cheap way to go. We’ll see, I suppose, but I am worried.