Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Shake and Fingerpop" aka WHUUUT?

True Blood Season 2: Shake and Fingerpop

Previously on True Blood…WE HAD TO WAIT TWO WEEKS. Ahem, anyway, last time on True Blood a gross Bull Man Thing attacked Sookie and gave her the Back of Nasty, Bill came to the rescue, we were reminded AGAIN that the sheriff of area 9 has been kidnapped and his name is Godric, Sookie found Lafayette in the basement of Fangtasia, and no, he wasn’t a vampire. Sookie screams at Eric for keeping Lafayette prisoner, and Eric just sort of yawns at her. Douche Wife tells Jason that he’s “special,” and she even whips out her pudding for him! Maryann has a big skanky orgy party at her house, and Tara finally realizes that something strange is afoot at the Circle K. Sookie asks Tara to move in, and Maryann doesn’t like this one bit. Sam’s going to leave town, and he’s put Terry(!) in charge, but he’s sidetracked by Daphne who has her own Back of Nasty. Reverend Douche Newlin brainwashes Jason even more. Hoyt and Jessica make a lurve connection, but Bill walks in while they’re making out and starts throwing people around the room! Sookie makes a deal with Eric to go to Dallas and help him find Godric, you know, THE SHERIFF OF AREA 9 WHO IS MISSING? Did you forget about him? The deal is that he’ll let Lafayette go, and he does, but Lafayette is all traumatized. Poor Lafayette.

So, we pick back up at Cult Camp, and it’s all dark and scary, and Jason is walking the deserted grounds all o.O He goes into the dorm where he’s been staying, and *GASP* EVERYONE IS DEAD OMG! Except even in the brief moments we see, it’s so obvious that everyone is covered with ketchup to make it look like they’ve been eaten by vampires, so either this is some kind of weird training simulation or the guys in the dorm are playing a joke on Jason. All the sudden, a dark and shadowy figure jumps on Jason from behind, and he sounds just like Jason did when he was pretending to be a vampire attacking Dawn the Formerly Hot One. The best part is that the “vampire” says something like “I can smell that hot blood right under your skin, and, Cowboy, you smell AWESOME.” BWUAHAHA. It’s obviously the Lukeanator.

The lights come on, and everybody is all AHAHAHAHA, and I was right, it was Luke. Jason is like -_- and his lip is split open, but he’s taking the whole thing surprisingly well. He’s all “oh, AHAHA, very funny, vampires are scary.” Then Luke asks Jason how his lip is, and Jason asks Luke how his nose is. When Luke goes ‘Huh?,’ Jason totally punches him in the face. It is a moment of pure awesome. Jason then pulls off his clip-on tie and starts to have some weird soapbox moment, and he is TOTALLY channeling Reverend Douche Newlin. It’s a little disturbing.

Cue opening credits. For some reason, I feel like this episode is going to be HILARIOUS.

Once we’re back, we find ourselves at the Old Compton House right where we left Bill, Sookie, Jessica, and Hoyt. Bill is FREAKING out as Hoyt is buttoning up his pants, Jessica is all EEP, and Sookie is flailing around, trying to make sure that Bill doesn’t kill anybody. Instead, Bill gives us this line of awesome.

Sookie: Let’s everybody calm down!
Hoyt: That’s a good idea.
Bill: Are you going to leave, or am I going to throw you out…through a window…that is closed?
Sookie: BILL! That is just RUDE.
Bill: Sookie, I’ve got this.

BWUAHAHAHAHAHA. I knew it was going to be a hilarious episode, but I didn’t expect this much awesome in the first five minutes! Anyway, Hoyt decides it’s a good time to GTFO, and Bill tells him that it’s not Jessica he was protecting because baby vampire fangs are so much worse than Momma Boy Man Parts. Jessica is all MORTIFIED and her fangs look totally huge and fake, but Hoyt smiles and says he doesn’t believe Bill, and Jessica is all TEE HEE.

Bill gets all grouchy and reminds Jessica that there was to be no hunting in the house, and we are like OMG DUDE SHE WAS NOT GOING TO EAT HIM. Jessica tells Bill that she knows he feels like shit for making her, and he SHOULD, but she had never kissed a boy before so she would have been happy to just kiss him the whole night. Sookie, meanwhile, is not being very supportive, because you can tell she’s totally on Jessica’s side. Not a month ago, she was the same way until the Tornado of Sex and Fangs came into her life and sexed her up. Anyway, Bill looks very uncomfortable about this discussion, then Jessica brings up the way her fangs come out when she’s turned on, and in the middle of it, she realizes her fangs are out, and she covers them and giggles and runs away. For a SPLIT SECOND, she is not so terrible.

Sookie agrees because she comments that she thinks she’s going to like Jessica. Bill rains on her parade, as always, and tells her that they can’t be girlfriends because she is…and Sookie cuts in and says A VAMPIRE, YO. I GET IT. AHAHAHAHA. Finally. Sookie thinks they should take Jessica with them to Dallas for some bonding or something. Sookie makes the observation that she thinks Bill doesn’t really like vampires too much even though he is one, and Bill gives this petulant little OMG SO and gives us even more lulz by saying “I’m a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented.” What is up with Bill’s awesomeness so far in this ep? I’m loving it. Anyway, Sookie tells Bill he is not just a vampire, and that he can show Jessica how to also walk the line between vampire and human. Bill keeps the lulz coming by replying, “Yeah, because I have mastered that.” HEE!

And here is where I go off on a small tangent. This is the attitude that gets Sookie in trouble because the bottom line is, he is A VAMPIRE, YO. She gets all hurt and upset when vampirey things happen, but she is dating a vampire. It gives her this false sense of security, and that is why she’s all OMG ERIC IS GROSS. NO, Eric is not gross. ERIC IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Bill is some kind of race traitor, and Sookie likes that, but it protects her from the realities of the universe in which she is living, and that sets her up for disaster. It is one of the things I have always disliked about Sookie’s perception of Bill. But anyway…

The nub and gist of this conversation, that begins with the Sookie/Bill love theme of violins, is that it was different when Bill was made a vampire, so he’s having some doubts about his ability to raise Jessica right. Great. One more thing for Bill to be all emo about. He says he envies Jessica because of when she was made, but then he gives in and says Jessica can come along. Sookie gets all girly about how it’s their first trip together, and I really thought she was going to say “…as a family” and then I would have had to barf. Bill is all whatevs, and Sookie brings up that she was almost killed the night before AGAIN, and I guess Bill feels guilty about that, which he should not, and he sort of hugs her and kisses her forehead. Hee.

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and Daphne are having their naked midnight swim. They wax poetic about how great it is to swim in the dark and how there are no people around, and honestly, I yawned through this whole thing. I do not like Daphne, and I didn’t like her before we saw her Back of Nasty. Sam makes the comment that Bon Temps is like paradise, and Daphne, like us, go AHAH WHUT? Then Sam brings up how he’s actually totally going to leave this paradise town, and he shoots down the idea of moving to a shit because people lose touch with nature? What? Sam, I’m not following you here. Daphne is with me because she suddenly says she wants some pancakes from a truck stop, and Sam is reluctant, but Daphne tells him she has seen boy parts before. HA! She stole my word! Anyway, Daphne climbs out of the water, and Sam gets a look at her Back of Nasty and just sort of goes o.O. My first response would be WHOA, WOMAN, WTF? But no, Sam just goggles a little bit, and we move on.

Back at Maryann’s House of Never-ending Fruit, Tara is on the phone with Sookie, and it seems like the orgy last night was too much, and she’s decided to move in with Sookie. Ruh-roh. Maryann isn’t going to like this. Tara looks really beautiful for some reason, and she’s all cry face on the phone with Sookie just as Maryann walks in. There’s some Middle Eastern music playing, and Maryann is dressed like she belongs in Morocco, and I just don’t get this bitch. Is she Greek? Is she Persian? What the hell is she? And why the hell is she on my show? Anyway, Tara spills the beans that she is GingTFO, and Maryann plays it off like, “Oh, no! I will miss you so much!” But we know she is thinking “THAT SOOKIE BITCH WILL DIE.” Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs that she left, then she gives Maryann a hug and thanks her. I wouldn’t thank her so fast, Tara, because as Tara walks away, Maryann gets her laser beam eyes going. This isn’t going to end well.

In the Cult Camp mess hall, Jason is having a discussion with the Lukeanator and some other random guys about Bible Lazarus being a vampire, and maybe even Jesus being a vampire. Hmm, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. The whole time Jason is running his stupidly adorable mouth, you can see Luke and all the other guys hatehatehating him so much. Random Guy says that the first vampire was Cain, and that is why being a vampire is the Mark of Cain because they brought the first evil into the world. But Luke is quick to correct him, and I can already hear the misogyny brewing inside him. Luke reminds us that NO, Eve was the source of the first evil, and that is why it is called E-VIL. BWUAHA. At least the Lukeanator is good for laughs. Then Jason burns him by saying that Eve eating the apple wasn’t evil, it was just skirting the rules. “Evil is making the PRE-MEDICATED choice to be a dick.” AHAHAHA. Oh, Jason, you are KEELING me. After this proclamation, the loudspeaker goes off and Jason is being summoned outside to meet with Reverend Douche Newlin. As he’s leaving, the Lukeanator makes some thinly veiled threat about God making sure evil gets punished, and Jason answers, “Oh, yeah? Then explain Europe to me.” AHAHAH, whut?

Jason goes outside and gets WOO HOOed by some random Cult Camp sluts, and we see that Reverend Douche is sitting in a Gator with some kind of handgun paintball gun type thing. Jason is all O.O “Am I in trouble?” and Reverend Douche is all OMG WE’RE ALL IN TROUBLE FROM VAMPIRES. He starts up the Gator as Jason climbs in, and they ride away together. Does anyone else get the vibe that Reverend Douche wants to do unholy things with Jason?

Back at Sookie’s House of Cryface Girly Time, she’s telling Tara about their living arrangements, and she gives Tara her birthday present. Tara opens it, and it’s that HORRIFIC Photoshop monstrosity of the two of them with Gran. Then the tears and hugging start about how much they both miss Gran. Yes, girls, you have a great way of showing it. Tara finally asks why they picked Dallas for their first trip together, and Sookie tries to lie, but Tara is a lie detector and busts her out about the vampires wanting to use her mind meld ability. Tara asks her why she is with Bill if he makes her do things like this because the sex can’t be that good, but Sookie assures her it is and OMG I LUV HIM. Then Sookie makes the most ironically hilarious statement EVER. “You can’t just sit around, saving your heart for some perfect idea of a man who’s never going to come along.” Excuse me.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHUUUUUUUUT?

This from Sookie? REALLY? In that instant, I hate her. I hate her hypocrisy and her contradiction. I hate her naïveté, and I hate her acting as though she is the expert at everything. I just HATE her.

And then she whips out her Cape and tells Tara that Bill isn’t making her do anything, and I love her again. *sigh* Oh, Sook, you fickle mistress of my emotions. She tells Tara that she agreed to go to Dallas to save Lafayette, and it’s Tara’s turn to go, “Um, whut?” Apparently, Tara didn’t know that Lafayette was back, and Sookie just sort of goes, “AHAHA, oops?”

Over at Creepy Mike Spencer’s Office of Mutilation, we get a good look at Lady Voodoo aka Miss Jeanette’s corpse, and we see that she, too, has Back of Nasty! OOH, the plot thickens. Creepy Mike Spencer notes that there have been panther sightings, but Sheriff Bud says the cuts are too wide for a panther. Creepy Mike Spencer also tells us that there is nasty poison in the wounds, and that it probably paralyzed her while the heart was cut out. The heart-cutting was done by a knife, and so Bud declares that unless a panther learned how to use a hunting knife, they are looking for an animal-human collaboration. Bwuaha, Bud. Sometimes, he is great. Kenya is also there, and she doesn’t think it’s very funny. Detective Andy busts in at that moment, and he is looking very rough. He wants to ask Kenya about the pig that Tara said she saw, but Kenya tells him that she never saw any pig. Andy says that he saw the pig in a dollhouse, which is hilarious because it’s true. Andy is apparently drunk, and he bitches at Bud. Bud decides that since Andy is an alcoholic again he wants his badge. Andy is very sad and pathetic, but eventually he gives up the badge and shuffles out. I actually feel bad for Andy, but hi, it’s totally his fault.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Self-Medication, we see our boy is just in a bad way. He’s watching TV all sad and curled up on his couch with his hideous afghan, and, as is the norm at Lafayette’s house, somebody starts banging on the door. He looks terrified for a moment, but then I guess he realizes it’s day time, and he hears Tara start yelling, so he hauls himself up off the couch to go let her in. Tara is OUTRAGED that he didn’t call her first thing, and Sookie has apparently told Tara everything that happened to her cousin. Lafayette insists again that he doesn’t go to the hospital, and Tara is feeling very needy and sad, so she tells Lafayette she is going to stay and take care of him. Lafayette doesn’t like this plan, and he finally tells her that he doesn’t have it in him to take care of her. Tara looks a little hurt for a second, then she gets up and stalks out with a parting, “If you die, I’m going to be really pissed.” HEE. When these two are together, it is nothing but magic.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is carrying in some vegetables, and Terry is all o.O because Sam was supposed to be gone. Terry is all OMG are you going or not? Sookie comes up and asks if there are any lunch specials, and we can see that Terry is about to flip out. He gets all upset when Sookie mentions he forgot the corn chips last time he made jailhouse chili, and Terry finally declares that whatever he makes will be called Scrambled Terry Scramble. I love him. Terry tells Sookie he’s not sure if he can handle running the place when Sam leaves, and Sookie is confused, and at that moment, Sam walks out of the fridge, and Sookie gets all huffy because OMG U DIDN’T TELL ME. Sam blows her off, but Sookie is not one to be deterred by people running away from her. She chases him out back, and she makes it all about her, as usual. Sam tells her that he doesn’t have time to make her feel better because he has serious shit going on. Sookie gets all OUTRAGED because SHE has serious shit to deal, and oh yeah, can I be off for a few days? Sam is acting like a 12 year old girl and says FINE OMG I WON’T BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK. She then, again, makes it about her and huffs about throwing away years of friendship and blah, blah, blah. Sam is so done with Sookie’s nonsense, and I have to cheer for that.

Back at Cult Camp, it seems the Reverend Douche Newlin has taken Jason on some kind of vampire training simulation wherein he drives like a maniac through the woods, and Jason shoots these wooden vampires that pop up with his paintball gun. Men. I don’t get it. They finally come to a stop, and Reverend Douche congratulations Jason on being totally awesome. They are both wearing hats that say L.O.D.I. which makes me laugh for some reason. Reverend Douche tells Jason that if you shoot a vampire with wooden bullets, they explode…or so he hears. Jason corrects him and says that it’s more like a water balloon bursting. To find out that Jason has actually seen a vampire get staked makes Reverend Douche go *_____* and now he truly is in love with Jason.

Tara is laying on the couch at Sookie’s house, and she’s having a birthday cry, like most of us saddos do, and suddenly, OH NOES! There’s a creepy creeper creeping around the house! Instead of doing the smart thing which is to lock the doors and hide, Tara commits her horror movie cliché and goes to investigate the noise. It’s OMG very DRAMATIC as she’s looking around, and then…SURPRISE! It’s Maryann, Eggs, and Weird Butler, who is carrying a huge cake covered with flowers. Maryann claims that they had been planning a birthday party for days and that Tara messed it all up by moving out. Sure, Maryann. I believe that. Eggs is pretty sweet for a second, but then I suddenly get the feeling that Eggs is too good to be true. Could he possibly be some creation of Maryann’s that is supposed to be just what a person wants? Like he’s Tara’s dream guy because that is his weird power? Hmm. Anyway, Maryann says that she’s been calling all of Tara’s friends all day, but Tara remarks, “What friends?” and we are thinking the same thing. Tara’s one friend is leaving town, and oh, yeah, you’re having a huge party at that friend’s house without asking! I see broken knickknacks in the future.

Over at the Newlin’s House of Douchebaggery, Douche Wife is wearing an apron and doing some serious grilling while Reverend Douche and Jason have a beer, and the hilarity continues as Jason starts to have a hallucination, accompanied by a really hilarious song, and in it, Douche Wife is dancing all sexy-like, spanking herself with a grill spatula, and tonguing a beer bottle. Reverend Douche just keeps rattling on, and Jason is just enthralled by this hallucination. It’s a great moment, and for the first time, I see Douche Wife as the hottie she actually is. Too bad her douchery destroys that.

Douche Wife brings in a huge plate of ribs to Jason and Reverend Douche, and I feel some hilarious food-sex double entendre coming our way! And we don’t have to wait long because the first thing Reverend Douche says is, “You don’t really eat Sarah’s ribs. It’s more like you take a bath in them.” BWUAHAHA. Then Douche Wife sexily helps Jason put his little bib on, and Jason is lost forever. There is seriously enough food on that table to feed an army, and that is just what the Douches start talking about. Apparently, there is a special group inside the FotS called the Soldiers of the Sun, and they want Jason to join. This is just the type of thing that redneck himbos like Jason love, and after only about three seconds of convincing, Jason is totally onboard. *sigh*

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Daphne orders up another drink for Andy, who is in the corner drunk and looking over files. The bar is totally empty, and Daphne comments it, and Arlene gets all snippy with “Lucky for you.” Hee. Sam goes over to cut Andy off, and Andy tells his tale of woe. Arlene wants to close up early to go to Tara’s party, which Sam knows nothing about, and once Arlene tells Sam that it’s Maryann who is throwing the party, he gets the mega-hump. Andy perks up, and I am overcome with joy at the idea of him going to this party, for we may see The Dance again. Arlene asks if they can go just as Daphne comes back, and when she asks “Go where?”, Arlene says “Home.” HEEEE. I love that Arlene hates Daphne. But in the end, Sam lets them go, just as…yes, you guessed it…Lettie Mae walks in. We can’t have a hilarious episode without her showing up, though she is decidedly less hilarious since she stopped drinking. Lettie Mae has a little present for Tara, and she asks Sam to give it to her and then runs out. Sam is just (>.<) at the whole situation. Poor Sam.

So, apparently, a private jet has landed in Dallas, and Sookie gets off the plane in easily the most hilarious outfit we have ever seen her wear. I mean, this thing is RIDICULOUS. It looks like she stepped out of some 50’s sitcom. She is also carrying one of those little bottles of airplane booze, and as she steps off the plane, we realize that our girl is drunk. There is a guy standing with a sign that says COMPTON PARTY, and Sookie says “YOO HOO” and runs right over to him and says, “I’ve always loved these. (the bottle) They’re like boooooze for dolls. They gave me ten.” We see the travel coffins being unloaded, and they look like space pods. Um, how long is a flight from Bon Temps to Dallas? Why did they need travel coffins? It’s dark outside. Anyway, this limo guy is acting really shady, especially after he sees the coffins, and he’s urging Sookie to get into the limo. Finally, she reads his thoughts and OH NOES, he is there to kidnap her, which he tries to do. Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and he flies out of his coffin to Sookie’s rescue. Jessica, meanwhile, knocks her coffin off the loading pad and can’t get out it. Bill goes *SIGH* and so do we because OMG SIGH, could she be more annoying?

Back to Sookie’s Roadhouse, Sam is pulling up to the party, and it is already getting way out of hand, though nobody is naked yet, so that is a plus. Sam walks up carrying Lettie Mae’s present, and we see Arlene doing a hilarious white-girl dance all up on Terry. AHAH. Maryann meets Sam at the door, and I have no idea what is going on with her outfit. She has like some weird white gown on and flowers in her hair. I cannot possibly hate this bitch more than I do. Sam goes -_- at her and tells her the present is from Tara’s mom, and Maryann goes -_- at that and directs him to the gift table. There are seriously so many people in this house that you know it’s probably gross and sweaty and the walls are probably wet. *shudder* Maryann comes up and taunts Sam some more, but he is over her shit, and he tells her to go ahead and turn him into the Collie, but if she does, then everybody will know what she is. BURN. Maryann tries to burn Sam back, but her attempt is lame, and she saunters away. This is when Sam sees Daphne through the kitchen, and he goes to join her.

At the same time, Tara is doing some hilarious dancing of her own with Eggs, and she realizes that she knows nobody at the party, but YAY presents. Weird Butler is twirling through the crowd with food, and Maryann is watching all of this with an eeeevil look in her eye. This is when the most hilariously crap song starts playing, and at the point this was published, everybody was freaking out because nobody can find it online anywhere. It’s called “Dig Deep Down Below,” the best lyrics is “This whole blood-sucking world is a clusterfuck.” Hilarious. Maryann goes and gets the present from Lettie Mae, and she throws it in the bushes outside! WTH! She also passes Creepy Mike Spencer all up on a girl with the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen AND Andy, who is drinking out of a bottle and goes “AHHHHH” in the camera. Greatness. Maryann, meanwhile, disappears off into the woods. Hmm.

Back the Airport O’ Kidnaps, Bill has the limo guy, whose name is Leon, in the limo, and he’s hypnovamping him to get information. Sookie is watching in something that is a mix between enjoyment and horror, and Bill looks over at Jessica and asks her if she would like try. He instructs Jessica on the ways of the hypnovamp, and it’s serious vampire bonding. Jessica obviously likes this new power, like, A LOT. Bill goes and sits by Sookie, who tells him that he was very sweet with Jessica. Bill doesn’t have time for sweetness. He tells her that somebody knew that she was coming because Leon was sent to kidnap her. Bill says it couldn’t be vampires because it was too sloppy, and vampires are known for their very clean and smooth kidnappings. Bill says it’s probably the Fellowship of the Sun, and Sookie is all AHAHAH, OH, BILL. She says that’s crazy because they are A CHURCH OMG. And Bill, like the rest of us, goes LOL because churches do pretty insane and shitty things all the time. (I’M TALKING TO YOU, WESTBORO BAPTIST DOUCHES.)

Over in the Cult Camp Frat House, Luke is reading a magazine about Vampire Marriage, and yes, his nose is broken, and he laser beam eyes Jason as he comes in, asking him what the “dork face” is about. Jason announces that he is moving out to be come a Solider of the Sun, and Luke could not possibly hate Jason more. Jason casually asks if Luke is going to bunk at the Newlins’ house, and that’s when Luke starts laughing about how Douche Wife just needs a new plaything. Jason is all o.O about this, and one of the other guys actually says the words “she wants your hot beef injection, dude.” I. AM. IN. SHOCK. The guys starts teasing Jason about Douche Wife wanting to jump Jason, and apparently, this has happened before? Jason gets all OUTRAGED and storms out because OMFG SHE IS NOT LIKE THAT. Oh, Jason, I think she is.

We see that Sookie and Bill are staying in the Hotel Carmilla, and when they check in, they find that Eric booked them a room with no bed for lulz. AHAH, Eric. They get it worked out, and during this, Bill asks what he should call Jessica, and his voice is hilarious as he does so. Bill brings up progeny, which is gross, but I believe they decide on ward, as Sookie puts it, “like Bruce Wayne.” I’ve always preferred fledgling, but that’s just me. Over in the lobby, Jessica is still having fun with Leon, and she takes his cell phone, and then she makes him so afraid for his life it’s not even funny, and she makes him scream mean things about people she doesn’t like. Oh, yes, all you Jessica lovers. This makes me just ADORE her, and it does, in no way, make her annoying. *SIGH* I just don’t get it. Anyway, Bill freaks out and yells at Jessica, and life is good again.

Back at Casa de Partyhouse, things are getting pretty rowdy, and Maryann is out back doing her crazy chanting thing, and it’s like the weird party scene in The Matrix Reloaded, and Tara is all sexy dancing up on Eggs, and them, and everybody in the place start making out. Eventually, Eggs and Tara make their way upstairs and get down to some SEXY SEX.

Over at Lafayette’s House of Hilariously Crap Cartoons, Lafayette is laying on the couch when OMG ALL THE SUDDEN, Eric vampires up to his window and is all “Good evening, Lafayette.” Lafayette falls off the couch in terror because HI, this guy just totally tortured him for two weeks, but the rest of us are like OMG YAY ERIC FINALLY. Lafayette helpfully remembers that Eric can’t come in unless invited, but Eric reminds Lafayette that he can wait for, like, ever, except in the day time, so I guess that threat doesn’t really work. Hmm. Anyway. Lafayette is all OMGWTF YOU LET ME GO. Eric says “I gave you a very generous gift, the gift of not killing you, and I’m here to give you something else.”

AHAHAHA, and what follows is one of my favorite moments because it’s so cheesy and ridiculous, but it’s SO something a thousand year old vampire would say. Eric reaches his arm in through the window with a dramatic finger flourish and rolls up his sleeve and says, “The healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.” AHAHAHAHA, WHUT? Oh, Eric, I love you. He’s also sort of molesting his own wrist with his thumb, I guess to make it all sexy-like. Lafayette looks tempted, but then he tells Eric he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Eric immediately pulls his arm back and goes -_-, and he tells Lafayette that he can smell his infected leg, and that it will probably fall off if he doesn’t drink the HEALING ELIXIR (bwuaha). Lafayette asks Eric why he wants to give him his blood, and Eric sort of leans in the window, and he is totally unbelievably cute when he says “I like you.”

And the fangirls EXPLODE.

Lafayette calls Eric’s bluff, and Eric finally admits it’s because Sookie likes him, and whatever Sookie likes, Eric finds…curious. Eric points out that Lafayette has no choice, complete with eyebrow raise, and Lafayette is like FUCK. Eric grins like a maniac just as the hilariously crap cartoon on the tv shows some guy killing a skeleton that busts into a million pieces. OOOH, FORESHADOWING.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Bill is doing his interrogation of Leon, and it seems that Jessica has fucked this guy up royally. When Bill asks her what she did, she is in the other room and screams, “ I AM ON THE PHONE!” AHAHA. A funny moment amongst a million annoying ones. Anyway, we find out that yes, it was the FotS who engineered the kidnapping, but that is all that Leon knows. Leon doesn’t know who hired him or why, doesn’t know Sookie’s name, and he doesn’t know where Godric is. Bill hypnovamps Leon into thinking that the Compton Party never showed up! Hee hee!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Homoeroticism, Eric is watching that hilariously crap cartoon while Lafayette is drinking his blood, and GUH. I have to say it is a very hot moment, if not a little disturbing. Lafayette is all NOMNOMNOM, and Eric is all hot in his tank top, and the fangirls are doing the pee-pee dance of excitement. Eric oh so calmly says “that’s enough” but Lafayette keeps nomming, so Eric is forced to smack him across the room, chiding him “Don’t get greedy.” Eric’s phone rings, and in a super cool way, the wound on his arm heals as he is answering it. OMG THOSE ARMS. I swear…PHEW.

Anyway, it’s Bill, and Eric gripes at him for not calling right as they landed, but Bill tells him of the almost kidnapping, and Eric pretends not to know who did it. Bill is not buying this, and Eric admits that he had a suspicion that the FotS was involved. Bill gets all shirty about not being told about this, and Eric is all OMG BITCH STEP OFF. Eric is the sheriff, and Bill is the underling. GET OVER IT. Some random music starts up in the background, and Eric hangs up on Bill.

And awesome Lafayette returns as he JUMPS back into frame and starts doing insane dances. Mostly he’s just banging a chair, the fireplace, and the floor. O.o Eric is all YAWN about this and says, “How nice for you…well, I must fly.” AND WE KNOW HE MEANS THIS LITERALLY. I’m almost afraid to see how it looks when he flies because I’m sure it will be ridiculous, but for now, we just see him leave, and Lafayette does the Worm on the floor. WELCOME BACK, LAFAYETTE.

Back at Cult Camp, Jason is unpacking his stuff in his new bedroom, and the place is just as unbelievable tacky as we would have imagined. Douche Wife comes in wearing her sexy little nightgown, and the whole scene is just uncomfortable and tense with SEXY SEXNESS. Jason is all EEP at the exposed cleavage. Douche Wife claims that he’s staying with them because the SoS bunks only hold 14 and Jason makes 15, but we don’t buy that for a minute.

Up in the Room of SEXY SEX, Bill and Sookie are making out all passionately, when BWUAHA, there’s a knock at the door, and yes, of course, it is Eric, cock-blocking him yet again. Down in the bar, Eric tells Bill he thinks it’s lulzy that he can’t protect Sookie. Bill says that Eric is a monster because he doesn’t care about anybody but himself, and Eric is all OMG NUH UH, I care about others! Bill then notes that for some reason, Eric cares about Godric. (I will not spoil it for those who have not obsessively combed the HBO website and saw the little teaser thing on Eric’s page, but yes, he cares about Godric. Like, A LOT.)

Eric gives some bullshit runaround about how Godric is beloved by his subjects, and how Godric is twice as old as him and OMG SO POWERFUL, so if he can be taken, anybody can be. OOOH, SCARY! Bill then tries to get Eric to release Sookie from her agreement, but Eric is having none of that. I also noticed at this point how freaking STILL Eric is. It’s kind of creepy. And delicious. Eric mentions that Texas is crazy and the vampires there will start a big war with humans if they don’t get Godric back. Oh, Eric. We love you.

Back at the Party of SEXY SEXY ORGY, Daphne is all TEE HEE with Sam, and in the course of their making out, she drops a bombshell on him. OMG I NO WHUT U R, she whispers all sexily, and Sam goes O.O, and Daphne pulls him out the back door, and then we realize that this party has gone off the rails. Eggs and Tara are having big time SEXY SEX, and we almost see Tara’s girl parts, but NO. DENIED. We do see that girl with Creepy Mike Spencer’s girl parts, and we see Arlene all up on Terry, and then suddenly, everybody starts diving into food. They’re like slamming it into their faces and using it as face scrub. It’s really bizarre. Some people are drinking wine, and others are just acting like they’re on ecstasy, and everybody has the black eyes of doom. Maryann is in the backyard doing her blurry shaky thing as usual, and the more she does it, the more crazy everybody gets until a fight breaks out, and some chick starts rolling around on the ground and eating dirt? WTF!!?! Then we see Maryann is also digging in the dirt, and when she finishes doing the Hippy Hippy Shake, she lifts her arms up, and OH NOES! She has the scary claw hands that gave Sookie the Back of Nasty! SHE IS THE BULL MAN THING!

Much less dramatic things are going on back at Hotel Cockblock, and Sookie is browsing the television channels. She checks out the porn, and there is one called “Intercourse with the Vampire.” HILARIOUS. There is a knock at the door, and when Sookie goes to answer it, Jessica comes out and tells Sookie she ordered something. There is a bellboy on the other side of the door who shows in the room service, and the room service is a hot boy in a bathrobe. AHAHA. This hotel is awesome. Jessica and Meal disappear, and for once, we hear Sookie’s thoughts, and while she’s thinking about how old the Meal is, the bellboy answers out loud that the Meal is 21, and Sookie goes O.O and says “That’s weird…almost like he read my mind.” And bellboy thinks back, “I did read your mind. Oh, Fuck.” BARRY! YAY! IT’S BARRY! HI, BARRY!

Barry realizes that Sookie is reading his mind, and Sookie realizes that Barry is reading hers, and then Barry goes O.O and takes off running, and Sookie chases after him. End credits.

This episode gives me mixed feelings. They threw a lot of plot at us, but at the same time, I’m left a little unsatisfied. But, after watching this episode…

--I don’t think Jessica is going to make it to the end of the season. I have a feeling they will kill her off as a way to give Bill more angst.
--Barry is going to be great.
--Eric PWNS EVERYONE, and Lafayette is going to be fantastic and totally his slave forever.

I love this show. :D