My First-Born Child Will Be Named Starscream

This movie really could have been called two things other than "Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen."

It could have been called "Transformers: Megatron Pwnz0rs All," or "Transformers: Revenge of Megan Fox's Boobs," because that is what this movie is-- Megatron owning everybody and Megan Fox running around with Megan Fox's boobs in Megan Fox's incredibly tight white pants. I am good with both of those things.

The first thing you should know about this movie is that it is an action movie. That's it. Remember that going in, and you will love it. If you expect it to be anything more, you will leave the theater disappointed. If you go in thinking it will be better than the first one, you will be disappointed. If you go in thinking you will not stare at Megan Fox's boobs, you will be disappointed.

1--THIS IS AN ACTION MOVIE
2--IT IS NOT BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE.
3--YOU WILL STARE AT MEGAN FOX'S BOOBS.

Accept these three things and you will have a great time!

Yes, the movie has problems. It's a given that it would have problems. But none of the problems it has are so bad that I can't overlook them. That being said...


THE GOOD

Megatron--or more specifically, Hugo Weaving as Megatron. He's great! The voice is just amazing, and finally, in this one, I heard Hugo Weaving whereas in the first one, if you didn't know, you probably wouldn't know it was him. This movie was a Megatronpalooza, and that is win.

The Sound Effects and Music--You know how at the beginning of Dreamworks movies they have the little guy sitting on the moon fishing and his little bobber thing plops into the water? Ha, not in a Transformers movie. Instead, during the studio credits, we get the roboty sounds. It's a great way to get you sucked right into the movie. It's like OMFG YES TRANSFORMERS!!1!1 The sounds they make when they transform and the cool sound it makes when they shoot their weapons...it's so just awesome! Plus, when the Decepticons talk to each other in their weird language it totally shook the seats in the theater. WIN! Plus, incorporating the sound of Linkin Park's song from the first movie was genius. The new single for this one isn't as good as "What I've Done," but since "The New Divide" was written especially for the movie, I think they did a damn good job. The score is fantastic, too.

The Parents--Sam's parents are hilarious. His mom actually gets stoned and acts insane, and it is magic. There's a scene between Sam and his parents that will absolutely choke you up. It's a strange poignant moment in the middle of insane robot death matches. They're a great comic relief in the mess of murder and destruction.

Shia LeBeouf--I don't care what ANYBODY says. I can NEVER have enough LeBeouf.

Starscream--I maintain that Starscream is the coolest of all the Transformers, but he is always third behind the nostalgic favorite Optimus Prime and Megatron, who is my favorite. You really get to see just how abused Starscream is in this movie. He is very obviously Megatron's bitch, and they are gay robot boyfriends. He has new Decepticon tattoos, and there's just something scary about the times when they see him coming. In the audience, people were going OMG NOOOOO! IT'S STARSCREAM! Starscream will be the name of my first-born child.

The Decepticons--in general, they are awesome. Soundwave, Devastator (even though Devastator was a typo in the first movie for one that was named Brawl), and ESPECIALLY Ravage. An asteroid crashes into the ocean and a robot jaguar jumps out? WHAT IS MORE AWESOME THAN THAT?

Characterization--I was very happy to see that they gave the Transformers personalities. We got to see more than just them transforming and fighting. We got to see the dynamic between Megatron and Starscream. We got to see that they have lives behind just being robots that cause mayhem, and that is awesome.

The Way You Feel When You See Optimus Prime--nevermind the fact that he turned into a fire truck originally. Every time you see that blue Peterbuilt truck with the flames, I think the six year old inside all of us screams and dances. At least mine does. It reminds me of a different time, a happier time when I was little and didn't know what I know now.

Megan Fox's Boobs--they're fantastic.


THE BAD

The Fallen--I'm not sure why they decided to go with this storyline, but it's not what I would have chosen if it was my choice. After the insanity of the first one, it makes more sense that the Decepticons would rescue Megatron, and it would be HIS revenge for his defeat. Instead, The Fallen just sort of appears, and Megatron goes to serve him. Unless we're suppose to forget everything that happened in the first movie, and in that case, hey! It makes perfect sense. Sorry, no. They said Megatron crash landed on Earth thousands of years before the events of the movie, and what? The Fallen was just hanging out waiting for him to thaw? I don't think so.

The Story--I will admit, it gets a little convoluted. It's a lot to follow if you're not in the know about Transformers. I don't know everything, but I know a little, and even I was like, "WHAT?" They get a bit deeper into the mythology than really needs to be done, but in the end, it's a movie about alien robots. What am I expecting?

The Dialogue--the whole first thirty minutes of the movie, everyone is talking so fast you can barely understand them. I found myself wishing for closed captioning just so I could follow along. I know Sam is neurotic, but whoa.

The Twins, Mudflap and Skids--there were accusations of racism about these two. Usually, I don't buy into the stupid claims of such things since IT IS A MOVIE ABOUT ALIEN ROBOTS, but I'm going to have to agree. They have gold teeth! GOLD TEETH. It wasn't enough to outrage me, but it was enough that I saw what they were talking about and agreed. Bad move on the producer's part. I could have done without them in the movie alltogether, honestly.

Dead Optimus Prime--I swear, I almost cried. Why would they do that to us? It's just wrong in so many ways. On the upside, his death scene, which is an all out brawl between him and Megatron, is made of win.

Dead Sam--RESURRECTION? FROM BEING TOLD 'I LOVE YOU'? So over-played and annoying. Some angelic Autobots tell Sam to go back and not die? REALLY? REALLY!?!


THE RANDOM

--There were so many damn robots in this movie that it was almost hard to keep up. It's especially difficult once you get the Constructicons involved. Who is a good guy? Who's a bad guy? I don't know how the army guys knew who to shoot.

--Why is it that the first time we see them transform it takes twelve hours, but after that it's like BOOM TRANSFORMED?

--The opening scene takes place in China where this special team of humans and Autobots have some kind of partnership to go around and catch lingering Decepticons who are hiding on Earth. They practically destroy the entire town they are in. So all of that property damage and death to civilians is worth catching one Decepticon who was hanging out as a bulldozer and not hurting anybody?

--Be warned. This movie has much harsher language than the first. They even use the "P-word," which is a no-no for me. I could see uncomfortable parents with their six year olds going o.O Hey, it's a PG-13 movie. Get over it.

--I'm pretty ambivalent about the new guy, Leo. I don't like or dislike him. He's sort of just there.

--I really think they could have left Jetfire out of it, but the scenes where they go to find him are pretty funny.


Overall, I pretty much loved this movie. I thought it was great. I'm not sure what the critics found so wrong about it because I found it every kind of right.

Especially Megan Fox's boobs.