Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Release Me" aka All Aboard the Betrayal Train

True Blood Season 2--”Release Me”

Previously on True Blood…

Eric called Lorena in to make trouble for Bill, Isabel offers up her man-friend to help Sookie at the FotS, SEXY SEXY VIKING FLASHBACK, Sookie wigs Barry the Bellboy out enough to make him quit his job, Jason thinks he’s being punished for getting the holy hand job, PAM shows back up to make Lafayette start selling V again, Hoyt surprised Jessica in Dallas, the Douche Newlins totally kidnap and imprison Sookie and Hugo, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, but Lorena is there to totally maker-rape him so he can’t go save her, Jason and Douche Wife finally get it on IN THE CHURCH, Daphne turns out to be the traitorous wench we always knew she would be and turns Sam over to Maryann at the Grossest Orgy In History, and Maryann wears the Bull Man Thing mask and has a knife! OH NOES! SAM!


The show picks up with someone running wildly through the woods, but it’s not who you think. It’s Andy! And he faceplants and then yells “PIIIIIIIG!” In about four seconds, Andy might have stolen the trophy for best opening ever. Anyway, he hears some crazy drums in the distance and starts to follow them, and we follow them back to the scene of that hideous orgy from last week, but instead of an orgy, it now looks like a rave where everyone took some really bad Ecstasy. Most of them are naked, sure, but instead of doing dirty things, they are now all kind of dancing around and groaning. And OOH, Eggs has a hold of Sam, and he pushes him down on a rock…a rock very similar to that one he and Tara found after their impromptu ramble on the way to get the water heater part. I think I know what Eggs is now!!

Anyway, Sam is all O.O and Zombie!Tara dances up to him, all crazy black-eyes, and goes OOOOH JUST GIVE IN HEE HEE IT’S SO GREAT, and then she sort of licks his face. Gross. Then Maryann raises up out of the crowd, and she has the crazy claw hands and is wearing the Bull Man Thing head and doing the hippy hippy shake, and THIS is when Andy comes stumbling out of the woods and goes WTF? Maryann starts advancing on Sam, and we know what is coming, but just before she can get close enough to get him, Andy fires off his gun, and everyone stops and goes o.O at him. This is just the chance Sam needs, and he head butts Eggs and then totally slaps the holy hell out of Daphne (WIN!) and takes off running like a madman. Eggs starts SCREAMING, and then everybody else starts screaming, and see what happens when you take bad Ecstasy? So no to drugs, kids, because nobody is having a good time now. They just scream like screaming things, and Maryann tears ass after Sam.

Sam meanwhile is running for his life LITERALLY, and Maryann is coming up from behind, and I’m sorry. If this was supposed to be creepy, EPIC FAIL. Maryann is wearing a dress! A Bull Man Thing in a dress is not scary! Sam is running, and he just so happens to see an owl sitting on the branch of a tree, so YAY, he can shift into an owl and fly away, which is what he does. Maryann stops and looks up like OMG WHERE YOU GO, then she picks up his discarded shirt with one of her gross hands and stares MENACINGLY at the sky! FOILED AGAIN!

Credits, now with more fish guts and rotting fox carcasses!

After the credits, we’re back on the set of When Raves Go Wrong, and Andy is just flabbergasted at what he is seeing. Everybody has lost their shit, and he’s just holding his gun and staring. But then everyone stops screaming, and they’re all just walking around like zombies that don’t even know he’s there. Andy sees Terry standing there with no pants on(!), and he’s like ZOMG TERRY PUT ON SOME PANTS but instead, Zombie!Terry decided to break Andy’s arm! Zombie!Arlene thinks this is hilarious, and they run off together as Andy writhes in pain.

Back in the Basement of the Unholy, Sookie is yelling for Godric from the insanely huge cage that Reverend Douche Newlin put her in, but Hugo is just pacing and freaking out, going on about how claustrophobic he is. What I am really noticing are the fantastic things that the FotS has in their basement. Huge statues of Jesus and easily the most hilarious collection of board games ever--the best being “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator.” And I do believe that the picture on the front of the “Send them Back to Hell” game is a cartoon of Kiefer Sutherland in “The Lost Boys.“ AHAHA. Oh, FotS, you are great for the lulz. Anyway, Sookie takes a minute to calm down that whiny bitch Hugo, and she tells him everything will be okay, like she’s trying to hypnovamp him. It apparently works because Hugo calms down immediately.

Sookie starts talking about the fact that the Douches knew who they were when they got there, AND they knew to try to get Sookie at the airport. We’ve got a leak! Hugo mentions that it might be a vampire *coughStancough* using the FotS to get Godric out of the way, but Sookie says that’s crazy, and she would know about crazy. Hugo says, WELL DUH, but Sookie brings up that Bill and Eric would do worse to Stan when they found out, so that logic is pretty sound. AHAHA, this is when Sookie realizes…OH YEAH. WTF BILL? She looks kind of sad when she mentions that Bill must have sensed her fear and that he’d be busting up in that bitch any minute, but she really doesn’t sound very sure about that or she’s scared about something. Turns out, yes, she is because if the FotSers are going to cook a vampire for everyone to see, what the hell else could they do?

Back in the Hotel Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Bill is screaming at Lorena to let him GTFO, but she’s right in front of the door, and when Bill comes up to her, she takes a big whiff and says “You smell like her. Sweet…and cheap.” WTF LORENA! I mean, yes, Sookie is cheap, but this evil whorebitch doesn’t get to say that! Only WE get to say that. Bill tries to get past her, but Lorena just calmly throws him over furniture, and then she puts the heel of her stiletto right against his heart and says PFFF LAME. Bill manages to get free by throwing HER across the room, but she beats him to the door and says SRSLY? This was the point when Lorena’s accent finally made me sick, and we deal with Bill every week, so you know it has to be bad. Bill asks her why she there, and then she smiles and says, “I’ve missed you.” AND I BARF. OMFG Lorena is so LAME and PATHETIC.

As I’m sure we’re about to see in yet another hilarious flashback into the lives of Bill and Lorena! It’s 1935 now, and Bill is wearing a HILARIOUS smoking jacket and reading a book, and it is obvious that somewhere between that last flashback with the transvestite flapper and now, Bill has become Grouchy Pants McGee. I don’t know, I think it’s the set of his eyebrows. He just looks…CURMUDGEONY. Lorena comes in wearing a very unflattering green dress, and Bill gets that look that battered housewives get when their husband comes home from work early and unexpectedly. Lorena says she hates musicals, but apparently, she doesn’t hate chorus girls because one comes in behind her. This chorus girl is named Frances, and OMG she’s insipid. Lorena tells Frances to show “Alfred” her talent, and Frances starts dancing around like a loon until Bill turns off the record player and goes HMPH.

Lorena lays the hypnovamp on Frances and tells her that Bill is in one of his moods again, but then Bill vampires up behind her and tells Lorena OMG I SAID NO MORE. Lorena brushes this off and gets all vampire porn star on him, all fangalicious up on Frances’ neck and talking about how she smells like apricots. And if you thought Lorena could not get more hideous, you were wrong. When her fangs are out and she’s trying to talk, WOOF. Anyway, poor Bill can only take so much so his fangs pop out, and he slinks up to them, but at the last minute, he says OMG LEAVE. And Frances goes KAY and bolts for the door. Lorena goes -_- and says “You are such a wet blanket,” which yes, made me laugh. But it is obvious it is not another day in paradise in the Compton-Whorebitch household. The honeymoon is over BIG TIME.

Bill makes me love him just a little more when he tells Lorena he can’t stand the sight of her, and Lorena just goes OMG DRAMA QUEEN. I think one of the problems I have with Lorena is that her facial features and terrible acting make it impossible for me to tell what emotion she is trying to express. That, and she’s a whorebitch. Anyway, Lorena says maybe they should head back south so that Bill is less depressed, and Bill goes AHAHA I’M NOT DEPRESSED. I JUST HATE YOU. Bill goes all IT’S OVER and ZOMG THE INNOCENTS. Apparently, Bill has a case of the grouchies because he feels bad about all the horrible things he’s done. Lorena goes OMFG PEOPLE ARE FOOD GET OVER IT. But Bill is on a roll now, and he starts yelling about how she’s lost her humanity and stolen his, and I AM A MONSTER!

Lorena goes YAWN and tells him that he’ll get over that pesky conscience, but Bill says NO BITCH, and Lorena is upset? Sad? Happy? Who knows, but we do know that she has decided it is time for a big fat domestic and she picks up a hideous lamp and chucks it at Bill who catches like O RLY? We flash back to present time, and Bill puts on his best SERIOUS FACE, and tells Lorena that if anything has happened to Sookie, I KEEL YOU BITCH. Lorena just sort of stares at him and says “It’s true. You are in love with a human.” And she finds that full of lulz, and then she does LOL, like, A LOT.

Over on the Back Lawn of Cult Camp, Isabel and Eric are standing there being leather-clad badasses. Eric looks down at Cult Camp and says SRSLY? THIS IS IT? Isabel says not to overestimate them because they are fanatics, and fanatics are insane and will totally die for their cause. Eric makes this little growly sound, and all of us faint because ZOMG ERIC GROWLED. Isabel tells him to settle down, and Eric mentions that Hugo and Sookie have been in the church for way too long. Isabel says NUH UH, that she felt Hugo FREAK OUT for a minute a while ago, but it’s nothing. NOTHING? The guy is about to pass out in the basement, and it’s nothing? Isabel sucks

Eric asks her what she finds so great about having a human boyfriend, and Isabel says it’s because they feel more strongly than vampires, and everything is OMG URGENT because their lives are so temporary. Eric goes PFF “They certainly don’t keep well.” AHAH oh, Eric. Then he asks if the fact that Hugo will grow old and ick makes her sick, and she says no because it’s interesting…LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. WTF? Then Isabel asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric is the biggest liar EVER and says he isn’t interested in Sookie. LIAR LIAR LEATHER JACKET ON FIRE. Oh, and he doesn’t care how Bill feels. He only cares about finding Godric, and Isabel is like RIGHT. Eric then mentions how it’s totally not possible for the FotS to keep Godric captive because he’s the eternal BAMF, so it’s got to be something else…something NOT HUMAN! OH NOES!

Now we go inside the Church of BrownChickenBrownCow, and Jason and Douche Wife are all snuggly post-coital, and Jason is like SCORE. But Douche Wife is…crying? AHAHA. It’s always better when they cry. But it turns out, she’s crying because she’s HAPPY. She’s so HAPPY because SHE LOVES HIM. THEY ARE MEANT TO BE. Turns out, Douche Wife is just like any other woman meaning she is crazy, and Jason starts to get freaked out just in time for Douche Wife to tell him that they have to go…AND TELL REVEREND DOUCHE. Uhh, WHUT? Jason brings up the fact that Reverend Douche has guns, and they’re having a lock-in, and they will be locked-in with Steven and his guns. Douche Wife comes to her senses and decides to put the lock-in before her personal feelings, and they decide to tell Reverend Douche after the Meet the Sun ceremony. Douche Wife runs off, and Jason goes O.O

Back at Hotel Underage Girl Much, Hoyt and Jessica are making out, and yes, how cute, we find out that Hoyt is actually a virgin. Jessica laughs all AHAHAH but tells him that she’s a virgin, too, so that is fine. Honestly, guys, I am trying to care here and be unbiased in my recaps, but I am finding it difficult. I am creeped out because Hoyt says he is 28, and Jessica is only 17, and that is BEYOND ick to me. So anyway, yes, they decide they’re going to do it sometime in the near future, but not tonight, so they snuggle down to sleep, and Jessica warns Hoyt not to freak out if she looks a little dead. HA. Okay, so that was cute.

Now we’re walking up the Hallway of Eric Hates Everyone, and Stan is going on about how maybe Hugo and Sookie joined the FotS and that’s why they’re not back, but Isabel reminds him OMG HUGO IS MINE, and Stan makes a good point in saying that if she really cared, they would have been at the church already. Eric is walking ahead of them with this -_- look because it’s obvious that he can’t stand Stan, but really, who can? Isabel tells him that’s why he’ll never be sheriff because he’s a dumbass, and Stan counters by saying that she’s too chicken to do anything, and that’s why HE’S been getting Godric’s coffee for 40 years. What? Huh?

Anyway, then Stan turns on Eric, who is trying to ignore the situation and just get into his room, and he says that they’ve got Eric’s maker and his telepath, and he hasn’t done anything about it. You can see it in Eric’s eyes that he has had about enough of this shit, and he vampires over and pushes Stan up against the wall and looks HELLA scary. Even Isabel is like GULP. Eric finally tells Stan that he thinks this is all so he can become sheriff, and Isabel reminds him that they don’t have any proof. Eric assures Stan that once he finds the proof OMG NO MERCY. But in the meantime, he doesn’t care if they bicker or if they go to the FotS and kill everyone. I DON’T CARE, YO. All he cares about is finding Godric because, and I quote, “If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back with I have lost.” And then HE CRIES A SINGLE TEAR OF BLOOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredulous I felt at this ERIC DOES NOT CRY. ERIC WOULD NOT CRY. And beyond that, is it really THAT big of a deal? How long has it been since he saw Godric? Are they BFFs? I mean after a thousand years, are you really going to be THAT UPSET about your maker being gone? I’m not sure I understand the dynamic here, but I do know that ERIC WOULD NOT CRY, and so this scene is EPIC FAIL to me. UGH. I’ll talk more about this at the end. For now, ONWARD!

We’re back at Casa de Sexhouse, and Tara and Eggs are just waking up in the living room, and Tara immediately starts freaking out because she can’t remember how she got there. In fact, she can’t remember anything except going into the woods. The whole night is just blanked out of her memory. Eggs says it might be the joint they smoked because Maryann’s weed is serious shit, and Tara goes AH HA! She mentions this to Eggs, how he couldn’t remember being at the creepy campsite either, but Eggs says I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. When Tara starts freaking out because yes OBVIOUSLY this makes her like her mother, Eggs comforts her and she is properly distracted. Smooth move, Eggs. Then Tara says sometimes Eggs is like Sookie because it’s like he can read her mind, and I go WTF? Tara just spills the beans like that about Sookie? What kind of secret-keeper is she?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam comes running in after his night on the prOWL (AHAHA I suck.), and he’s completely freaking out, as he should. He goes into his office and digs in this secret area of his fireplace and pulls out a huge handgun. I don’t know that that’s going to help, Sam.

It’s morning in the Fangbanger Holding Cage, and Reverend Douche comes down to visit, just as cheerful and bright-eyed as can be. He even brings Sookie and Hugo some water! Sookie jumps up and immediately starts in with OMG MY VAMPIRE WILL KILL YOU, and Reverend Douche is like AHAH WHERE IS HE? BRING IT! Sookie warns them that they’re going to get themselves killed, and Reverend Douche tells her that the vampires just have her all messed up with their SEXINESS and their VIKINGNESS and their SEXY VIKINGNESS. Okay, no, he didn’t say that. He said hypnovamping and empty promises and evil blood. My version was better. Sookie is OUTRAGED and tells him JESUS IS ASHAMED OF YOU. Reverend Douche just goes AHAH at that, and he pulls up a chair to apologize how things got out of control. He claims that all he wants is some answers, and then he’ll give them some breakfast and send them on their way. RIIIIGHT.

But Hugo seems to think this is a great plan, and he jumps up and starts spilling the beans. He tells them that she is Sookie Stackhouse and he is…but Reverend Douche doesn’t hear a word after Stackhouse. He gets this horrible, awful Betrayal!Face because, yes, it’s true, he realizes that HE knows a Stackhouse. He knows a Stackhouse, and he LOVES Jason, and WHAT? HOW COULD THIS BE? Reverend Douche is like WTF JASON? And Sookie realizes UH OH, and Reverend Douche runs out to write in his journal and make a mix tape, and Sookie is like WTF!

Hugo is like GREAT JOB, and Sookie finally tells him to STFU, but she actually says it! GO SOOKIE! Then she gets a bright idea, and she starts trying to mind meld with Barry. I guess she thinks maybe Barry is listening somewhere, wherever he might be, and she gives him a rundown of where she is, that Godric is there, and things have gone to shit! OMG BARRY HELP!

We’re back in Room Bitch You Crazy, and Bill and Lorena have apparently not gone to sleep, and that is bad for vampires. Bill is acting like he’s totally stoned, and as they are bickering EVEN MORE, they both start to bleed from random places. It’s a pretty creepy effect actually. Bill wants to rest, but Lorena thinks that as soon as she falls asleep, Bill will run into the sun to save her and get dead. Bill is like OMFG WOMAN SRSLY? Bill sees his cellphone on the table, but Lorena jumps up and gets it first. He begs her to let him call Eric who will go and get Sookie. When Bill says Eric’s name, Lorena starts to go AHAHAHA. Bill says that Eric is the reason that Sookie is in trouble, and Lorena says AND WHY I’M HERE, NOOB. She crushes his phone and tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie and he should just let Eric have her. And Bill has Betrayal!Face, but his beats Reverend Douche’s because there is blood with his. Bloody Betrayal!Face Bill! (Alliteration FTW!)

Back at Cult Camp, Jason has realized it is time to GTFO, and he is carrying all his stuff across the campus when Reverend Douche pulls up in his car and is like HEY JASON WHATCHA DOIN’? Jason tells him he’s just going for a walk…with all of his stuff…and Reverend Douche has Cro-Mitch jump out and pull a knife on Jason and force him into the car. OH NOES!

We’re now at Mayberry R.F.D., and Andy is telling Bud what he saw the night before. Now, everyone knows Andy is a drunk, and he looks totally crazy as he’s telling this story about a bull mask, and giant claws, and everybody had big black-saucer eyes LIKE ZOMBIES. Andy is actually so great this episode. The way he says zombie cracks me up. Zaaawwmbees. It’s actually pretty great.

Back at Casa de Sexhouse, Tara and Eggs are watching some hilariously crap show, and while they are watching, somebody with some busted ass feet and legs comes sneaking in, and the feet are bloody, and whoever it is happens to be carrying a dead rabbit and is dripping blood all over the floor. A skirt drops and we see that it is Maryann, and she’s all like O HAI, and Tara and Eggs go WTF! She tells them she slept outside to commune with her animal nature and saw the rabbit and thought YUM. OMG I am so tired of this bitch. Tara tries to snark about her throwing a big party without permission, but Maryann is like SHUT IT, and Tara does. Tara is very freaked out by this, but Eggs thinks Maryann is fantastic.

We’re back at Camp Cutthroat, and that is exactly what Cro-Mitch is about to do. He is about to cut Jason’s pretty neck, and this scene is moderately funny because Jason thinks Reverend Douche is talking about him banging Douche Wife, but Reverend Douche is actually talking about Jason being in league with the vampires. In the end, Reverend Douche tells Cro-Mitch to take care of the problem, and Cro-Mitch walks Jason off into the woods. OH NOES!

On the shores of Lake Merlotte, Daphne is putting her feet in the water all LA LA LA, and Sam walks up out of nowhere and pulls his huge gun on her. Daphne goes YAWN and tries to act like nothing happened. Sam is not having any of that shit, and he realizes how she got her scars. He calls her a whore, which she is, but Daphne claims it’s not whoring if you do it for love. Sam goes AHAH RIGHT, and Daphne deals him a low blow and says AHAH NOT YOU, SILLY. Sam gets on the Betrayal Train, and his voice cracks, and it’s just so SAD! Poor Sam. Daphne starts to tell Sam the story of her and Maryann, but Sam, like me, doesn’t care.

Sam finally asks why Maryann is trying to get him, and Daphne says it’s because she can’t control Sam. The crazy black eyes don’t work on supernatural creatures, and so she wants Sam to submit, and OMG HE WON’T. Then Daphne says OMG I’M SWEATING LIKE A PIG. And we go, OMG DAPHNE GO DIAF. Sam gets all OUTRAGED and Daphne has a big swim, and says WTF IS SHE? And Daphne says OMG SHE’S GOD. And Sam goes O.O and we go NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE.

Back in the Cage of BIG FAT LIARS, Hugo has finally freaked out, and he’s rattling the cage screaming that he has to go potty. Sookie gets up to calm him down again, and she touches his arm, and FWOOOOM, she mind melds with him and finds out OMG HUGO IS THE TRAITOR. If you are shocked, I say..what, are you new?

Back at Lake Plot Exposition, Daphne is going on and on about Maryann, and I am going to be serious here for a moment. I’m not going to go into detail about this section because for the first time, probably ever, I have been offended by a television show. Daphne’s speech on what Maryann is was way over the line, and when they used the names of goddesses of actual religions, Gaia and Isis most specifically, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. To insinuate that a character on a television show, especially a rancid whorebeast like Maryann, is a goddess of my religion…NO. HI, NO. So, I will paraphrase by saying Daphne tells him that she’s a maenad, gives him a very incorrect history, and claims that Dionysus was also called “The Horned God” which AGAIN is WRONG, SO WRONG so Sam makes the logical jump to Satan. Do you see why I am offended here? UGH ANYWAY.

Daphne goes on and on with her plot exposition, and Sam briefly considers turning himself over to save the town, but Daphne says that won’t work because Maryann is having too much fun. Daphne suggests Sam turning himself in anyway because she might let him live, and then Sam gets all huffy and runs away. Poor Sam!

Back in the Basement of Traitors, Hugo tells Sookie why he turned on Isabel, and it’s because she wouldn’t turn him. REALLY HUGO? What is with the pathetic losers this week? Sookie is just as disgusted as we are, and Hugo tries to make Sookie mad by talking about Bill using her and such, and then Sookie says OMG IF YOU’RE SO GREAT WHY ARE YOU HERE? And that’s when Hugo realizes HEY, SHE’S RIGHT, and he jumps up and starts calling for Cro-Mitch to let him out. But Cro-Mitch does come, and Sookie says WHUT, BITCH. For an instant, we have our old Sookie back! YAY!

Outside at the Church of FAIL, the lock-in is starting, and lots of blond people are showing up in their pajamas! How cute! Douche Wife is wearing some monstrosity of an outfit, and Reverend Douche comes out and tells her in his serious voice that they need to talk, in private, about Jason. OH NOES! Meanwhile, Cro-Mitch is walking Jason through the woods, and Jason tells him OMG MISTAKE, and Cro-Mitch makes a fatal error. He gets all snarly and tells Jason that HE is the mistake, and that Sookie is a whore. Jason FREAKS OUT and beats up Cro-Mitch and says ZOMG NEVER TALK ABOUT MY SISTER! Cro-Mitch spits out some blood, and says, “Is that the best you can do…Sister-Fucker?“ AHAHAHAH. And then the beat down is on. Jason wins in the end, and he calls Cro-Mitch a dick-brain(?), kicks him in the man parts, and takes his knife and runs away. YAY!

In the Bathroom of Fabulous…LAFAYETTE IS BACK! He is putting on his make-up and dealing his V over the phone, just like Pam told him to. YAY! Eggs and Tara are making out the bar, and Arlene comes in, and something is up with her. She is very upset, and she steals Tara and runs off to the bathroom. Lafayette is in that bathroom, and Arlene says OMG LADIES ONLY to which Lafayette replies, “So what you skank hos doing in here?” Tara gives him the hairy eyeball, so she must know he’s dealing V again, but Lafayette just takes his fine self on out the door.

Anyway, Arlene starts freaking out and tells Tara that she might have done something REAAAAALLLL BAD. Apparently, she and Terry weren’t sleeping together, no matter what she tried, and the night before, the night of the Orgy from Hell, she got Terry all liquored up…and then she blacked out! Tara goes O.O because OMG SHE BLACKED OUT TOO, and the bad thing Arlene thinks she did is…she thinks she had her way with him…”a lil’ bit”…against his will. Arlene, the Date Rapist. Arlene is terribly cute for once on this show, and she is really upset, but all Tara cares about is that this blacking out thing isn’t just her and Eggs.

Meanwhile, Lafayette goes out to the bar where he sees Eggs, and he goes X____X at him and says it’s not fair because for the first time he’s not chasing trouble, but trouble keeps finding him. Eggs is like o.O, and Lafayette says that there is no good that could come out of something so pretty, and that is when Eggs realizes that this is Lafayette, as though that explains EVERYTHING. He calls him Tara’s Eggs, to which Tara shows back up and comments that it sounds weird, and it SO does. HEE HEE, then we get one of those great Lafayette moments where Tara asks why he is called Eggs. “Your name is Benedict. Why don’t people call you Ben?” And Lafayette jumps in and says, “Or Dict.” AHAHAH. Then Lafayette gives one of his cryptic warnings, like the one he made about the cornbread in season one, remember? He calls Eggs “Satan in a Sunday Hat,” and I say YES HI DUH.

Just then, Andy walks in, and OH MAN, the hilarity. He starts screaming for Terry, and everyone starts staring at him. He is a lunatic, and he calls Tara a “devil worshipper” and tells everyone that he saw what they were doing OMG! Sam is creeping up on the scene, and he ALSO saw what everyone was doing, but I’m not sure that Andy saw Terry. Anyway, Arlene tells him that Terry isn’t there, and Terry says, “Fuck you, Zombie Woman! Fuck all ya’ll devil zombies!” OMG. I about peed myself. Andy is officially my favorite part of this episode. Andy screams how he’ll put a stop to all of it and then leaves, and everybody goes AHAHAH OH, ANDY. Sam finally shows his face, and when Eggs is leaving and says bye to him, Sam sort of flinches because, yes, Eggs was the one holding him down to be sacrificed, remember? Everybody goes o.O at Sam, and Sam goes o.O at everybody.

Back to Hotel Pedo--NO, KIDDING. I swear. Anyway, the song BLEEDING LOVE is playing in the background as Hoyt sets up what he thinks is a romantic night, with rose petals and blood-scented(!) candles everywhere, and Jessica wakes up and looks horrified for a second, but then she tells him to take off his pants, and they collapse into giggles, and what I assume is virginal NOT SO SEXY SEX.

Now we’re back to the back woods of Cult Camp, and Jason has been running for hours, and headlights come up behind him. He’s sure it’s Reverend Douche, but I would recognize that hair anywhere. Douche Wife jumps out of the Gator of Righteous Indignation with her big Texas hair, and Jason tries to explain about Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch, but Douche Wife pulls a big gun on him and Jason goes O.O. Before he can do anything, Douche Wife shoots him, and he goes O.O and falls back in slo-mo. OH NOES! Except NOT OH NOES. That gun she had was the same paintball gun that Reverend Douche had in an earlier episode, and next week we will see that Jason is not dead, but he probably did get a paintball in the man parts.

Back to Lake Merlotte, and Daphne is standing on the edge of the dock looking out at the water. Maryann comes up like a creepy creeper from behind her, and Daphne is all HEE I LOVE YOU, and Maryann says THNX BITCH, kisses her, and then FWOOM, Daphne gets a knife in the heart from BLACK-EYED EGGS! OH NOES! I KNEW IT! When I saw the way he was holding Sam down on the rock like that, it was obvious. Eggs is the “killer” but it’s all Maryann’s doing, and so the bitch must die. Daphne just gurgles up some blood, and Maryann smiles at her. THE BITCH MUST DIE.

Over to the Basement of Cro-Mitch Got PWNED by Jason, Cro-Mitch finally shows up and opens the cage as Hugo is like OMG CRO-MITCH FINALLY, but Cro-Mitch does not let Hugo out. Instead, he proceeds to thoroughly kick Hugo’s ass. Sookie forgets that he’s a traitor, and she tries to stop Cro-Mitch by jumping on his back. Cro-Mitch then starts to kick her ass and yes, obviously, it has to go to the rape place. *SIGH* I will keep my personal thoughts on this personal. Anyway, Sookie screams and we go back to Bill, who goes O.O as his Sookie Sense starts going off again. Lorena is just BLAH BLAH BLAHing in the background, and Bill tries a clever distraction of throwing a table at her, but Lorena gets to him just as he gets to the door, and OH YEAH, she has a stake to his back. Lorena says OMG I WILL END YOU.

And we flashback to 1935 and the domestic that we left, and Lorena shows her true pathetic self and is all OMG I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? Bill is begging her to let him go, but Lorena says OMG YOU ARE MINE. Bill loses his rag and starts screaming about OMG I KILLED PEOPLE FOR YOU and I DO NOT, I CANNOT, I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. OMG, this is so the wrong thing to say, and Lorena is literally shaking with rage, and if her accent wasn’t so terrible, I might believe her, but instead, her squinchy face and terrible accent ruin the scene. She says that men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one NAHT with her, but then she crumbles into the pathetic beast she is. It’s really disgusting, and it’s sort of a comment on how women are portrayed on this show.

Anyway, Bill continues to PWN her verbally until she PWNS him through a coffee table, and he picks up a piece of the wood and holds it out as a stake toward her. She’s all OMG YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH, but that stake isn’t for her. Bill begs her to let him go, and she says OMG CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, and Bill says TOO BAD BITCH! He starts to push the stake through his own chest, but Lorena stops him, and with bloody tears, she says, “As your maker, I release you.” Bill gets an O-face from this, and now we know where he picked up his favorite line!

We flashback to present time, and Bill says OMG YOU RELEASED ME. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, but Bill will never believe that, so he starts to fight, and just as Lorena starts to stake him, there is a knock at the door! It’s BARRY! HI BARRY! Lorena covers Bill’s mouth and says that Bill is TIED UP AHAHA but can she take a message? Barry relays everything that Sookie mind messaged to him, but Bill and Lorena are not the only ones who hear. As soon as Barry says “FotS“ and “basement“ and “sheriff,” Eric, who is across the hall, goes WHUT and vampires out of the room OMG SO QUICK and IS GONE, YO. Don’t let people get it twisted. Eric did NOT perk up when he heard Sookie’s name. It was when he said “sheriff” that Eric cared. Eric is NOT going to save Sookie because he OMG LOVES HER. He’s going after Godric. Because he OMG LOVES HIM.

Anyway, Barry finishes the message, then mind melds back to Sookie, who probably has to take a message because she can’t get to the phone since she is about to be raped, that it is the LAST time that he is helping, but before he can say anymore, a hand reaches out into the hall way and OMG GRABS BARRY AND PULLS HIM INTO THE ROOM! Now, I have gone back and watched this several times to check it, and the room he gets pulled into is Bill’s. Barry is facing Bill’s door, then Eric comes out of the room behind him, Barry turns around to go WTF, and so his back is now to Bill’s door. That is the door that opens, and we can assume that the arm that pulls him in his Lorena’s. OH NOES! BARRY!

Meanwhile, Sookie is about to get raped by Cro-Mitch, and it is very uncomfortable to watch, and just as he’s about to get down to it, something pulls him off Sookie! YAY! Sookie rolls over and looks and…IT’S GODRIC! A much different, more frat boy looking Godric, but IT IS GODRIC. GUH! And he is holding Cro-Mitch by the scruff of his neck, and Sookie goes o.O “Godric?” and Godric goes PWN…without saying a word.

Credits. The most hilarious song EVER, by the way.

PHEW. Next week, I think I will be killed. The first four seconds of the preview KEELED ME already. Godric says “I AM HERE, MY CHILD.” And Eric goes X_____X and then sacrifices himself to the FotS to save Godric? WHAT? DEATH! DEATH TO ME I SAY!!

Just a few things since this has already run on WAY too long. I’m hating what they are doing to Eric. I HATE IT. Everything that made me love Eric in the books is GONE. I don’t even know what the hell they are doing, but we better get AWESOMENESS after this. AND A LOT OF IT. The crying was FAIL, and his attitude altogether lately is FAIL. They better MAKE UP FOR IT. LIKE, A LOT.

Secondly, Godric is far less impressive to me now. I liked the raver-twink monster guy. Now he looks like a frat boy with a bad haircut. It doesn’t matter. Not really anyway. BECAUSE GODRIC PWNS. SRSLY. GUH. And his interactions with Eric are going to make me EXPLODE.

Good episode this week, mostly. There were a few things, but the good definitely made up for the bad. LIK WO. Thanks for reading!!