Previously on True Blood…
Sam almost got killed by Maryann and the Black-Eyed Crazies, but Andy interrupted, and Sam got away! YAY! Hugo was the traitor, and that made Reverend Douche Newlin cry because he realized that Jason is Sookie’s brother! Sookie mind messaged Barry to get help, and Cro-Mitch had orders to kill Jason from Reverend Douche. Daphne told Sam what Maryann is…sorta, and Hoyt and Jessica are both adorable virgins! Reverend Douche tells Douche Wife about Jason, and she is a woman scorned and shoots him! Maryann made Eggs Daphne, and she smiled while he did it! Lorena is about to stake Bill, but Barry shows up with Sookie’s message. Eric hears it from across the hall, and vampires off to save Godric…oh, yeah, and Sookie, too, I guess. But for his trouble, Barry gets yanked into the hotel room! Cro-Mitch beats up Hugo then tries to rape Sookie, but Sookie is saved by Godric!
We pick up exactly where we left off, with Cro-Mitch struggling and Godric holding him by the neck. Cro-Mitch is all OMG DUDE, and Godric says OH SNAP to Cro-Mitch’s neck. Total PWNAGE after five seconds. Awesome. Godric tells Sookie she shouldn’t have come, and then they both hear a swooshing noise, which I guess is suddenly how you tell if a vampire is coming. I’m not sure about that because they’re usually so quiet, but maybe the vampire is running so fast that it’s loud. ANYWAY. They hear the noise, and Sookie stands up all OMG BILL YAY, but Godric smiles in complete ecstasy and says SORRY NO. Then he opens his eyes and says I AM HERE MY CHILD, and Eric vampires in the door, and is like this X_____X. He zombie walks over to Godric and sinks down to his knees and is all MASTER. Sookie looks moderately uncomfortable at this turn of events over in the corner.
Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans after him, and you can hear Eric’s heart breaking a little because of it, and Eric says he had no other choice and that the savages in the FotS are trying to destroy him. Godric says BITCH PLZ I KNOW and throws in that Hugo is the traitor. This is when Sookie remembers she is in the room, and she says that he was with the FotS and that they set a trap, but Eric does not care, YO. He asks Godric how long it’s been since he fed, and Godric tells him he doesn’t need much blood anymore, and that’s when the alarms start going off in the building. Godric tells Eric to save Sookie, but Eric says OMG NO that he is not leaving him. Godric says he can take care of himself, and he tells Eric to spill no blood on his way out. Eric bows his head, and then he shoves Sookie in front of him as they leave, and Godric looks ready to kick some ASS!
Credits. OMG OMG OMG. Fangirling is eminent.
Meanwhile, on the back roads of Woman Scorned Forest, Jason is blinking from his spot on the ground, and he realizes he’s not dead! YAY! He says Jesus saved him, and Douche Wife goes OMG STUPID because it was a paintball gun, as we all knew. Jason finally says what we have all been thinking--YOU CRAZY BITCH. Douche Wife goes on about how she let him into her house and her bed, well, her church balcony, and into her heart OMG! She violated everything she believes in to be with Jason, and that makes him worse than Judas, to which Jason responds “Why? What did he do to you?” Oh, Jason Stackhouse, you is a silly bitch. Douche Wife can finally take no more, and she goes FUCK YOU, and she shoots him in the man parts with her paintball gun. AHAHAHAHA! WIN! Douche Wife FTW. Jason howls and rolls around, and he apologizes, but I’m not sure that’s going to help.
Douche Wife says that Jason came to prey upon her and then ran like a coward, and Jason says UM, NO, that he ran from her husband and his “crazy weapon collection,” and really? Can you blame him? No. Jason thinks Douche Wife told him, but Douche Wife has only been told about him being Sookie’s brother, and then she blurts out that they have Sookie HA HA! This turns Jason into a crazy ass because any mention of Sookie makes him AWESOME, and Douche Wife says that the Stackhouses are nothing but lying, two-faced, vampire FUCKERS. (Hee.) Jason DOES NOT LIKE, and so he gets the gun from her, shoves her down, and steals her Gator of Righteous Indignation, telling her that if they’ve hurt Sookie, he’ll be back and NOT WITH NO PAINTBALL GUN! He speeds away, and Douche Wife tries to straighten herself up, but she has a long walk of shame back to Cult Camp in some mighty tall heels.
Back in the Church of Immortal BAMFs, everyone is running for their lives in a calm and orderly fashion, with Reverend Douche on the intercom telling them instructions, and I swear to you at once point it sounds like it says “…will provide you with skanks and silver.” BWUAHA. Eric and Sookie come up from the basement, and Eric is trying to find a way out, saying that he could have her out in seconds, but Sookie says OMG NO THE KIDS because there are a lot of innocent people running around. Sookie asks why he didn’t bring Bill, and Eric says that Bill’s insane devotion to her is
And every fangirl’s heart EXPLODES.
Eric goes back to looking for a way out, just as the crazies are locking the front door, and he goes to do something, but Sookie goes ERIC, NO. Eric looks at her, then leans in SUPER CLOSE OMG and says, TRUST ME. (HEEEEE!) And then what is easily in the top five best moments of this show, Eric shows Sookie that he has a plan.
That plan is to pretend to be an FotSer by adopting the most HILARIOUS accent, and looking instantly like THE BIGGEST NERD EVER. Nerd!Skars in born, and it’s really a tribute to the kind of actor Askars is because EVERYTHING about him changes in that second. His voice, the set of his shoulders, his walk--it’s AMAZING. He walks over to the crazies and says, “Hey, ya’ll, how’s it goin’?”
AND THEN I DIED. END OF RECAP. THANK YOU FOR READING.
Eric tells the crazies that Steve sent him to watch the door, and the crazies look suspicious, and Eric looks strangely like Jim Carrey. O.o. But Nerd!Skars lays it on thick, grinning, and saying DANG, and the guys start to believe him, until they realize he doesn’t have a stake! He asks if he can borrow one of theirs, and when the guy refuses, EVERY trace of Nerd!Skars in gone, and Eric is back, laying the hypnovamp on the guy to get his stake from him. This is when another of the crazies get wise to the fact that HI, VAMPIRE, and moves to stake Eric. Sookie screams STAKE, YO, STAKE! And then the badassery begins, as Eric beats every one of the crazies up, and looks like a SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE while doing it.
He gets the last of the crazies pinned up against the wall, a stake to his throat, and Sookie comes flailing out all NO ERIC OMG! Eric pauses for a moment, then throws the stake down like DAMMIT FINE and drops the guy. He peeks out the front door, but the Soldiers of the Sun are on their way in and HI NO, so they go through the sanctuary, which is littered with sleeping bags and such. What a happy place for a massacre! They get halfway across the room, and Sookie says there are all kinds of exits, but then Reverend Douche’s voice dramatically rises up and says YEAH…TO HELL.
The Soldiers of the Sun and all the members of the church come in, and I’m betting Eric is having flashbacks of angry mobs with pitchforks, and Sookie says OMG NO ONE HAS TO DIE, but Reverend Douche is like SHUT IT WHORE. He says that the vampires cast the first stone by killing his family and IT IS ON, YO. Sookie starts yapping again about how Godric is a sheriff and how he got away, and now there are probably vampires on the way, but Reverend Douche is like PFT WHO CARES. He says that any vampire will do, and LOOKEY HERE. Sookie looks at Eric like O.O, and Eric looks at her and says “I’ll be fine.”
WHEN DID THESE TWO BECOME BFFS? DID WE MISS IT?
Anyway, Eric walks up and looks at Reverend Douche, and Reverend Douche asks like the crazy fuck that he is and is all YESSSS. VICTORY.
Back in at Hotel Poor Barry, Lorena has yanked Barry into the room and says YAY ROOM SERVICE! Barry goes o.O and in the middle of it, Bill goes O.O as his Sookie Sense is tingling, and says “Sookie.” Lorena goes [>.<] and says Sookie is like an annoying alarm clock. Whatevs. She tells Bill she’ll give him first bite of Barry, and Bill says OMG NOT HUNGRY. Lorena just rolls her eyes and says he’s lame, and Barry goes OMG NO DIE PLEASE. But Lorena bites him, then stops and goes o.O because he tastes funny.
This is when Bill smashes her over the head WITH A FLATSCREEN TV. EPIC BILL. EPIC.
Bill beats her ass one more time with the TV, then he throws it down, grabs Barry, and is OUT, YO. Lorena lays a-bleeding on the floor as we cut to…OMG CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Hoessica are going at it, and I’m very VERY disturbed, but whatever. I will try to deal with it. They’re going at it, and Bill busts in and when he realizes what he’s seeing, he gets the CUTEST embarrassed face EVER. Jessica screams and is all ZOMG DAD, and Hoyt tells Bill that whatever he heard, they were screams of pleasure. Bill just goes *FACEPALM* and tells Hoyt that if he cares about Jessica that he will take her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises, and then he vampires out of the room again.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Lafayette is reading Tara’s tarot cards (he can do that now?) and, predictably, her future is full of bad shit. Eggs comes busting in all the sudden, and Lafayette realizes this is the time for him to make an exit. Eggs is all manic asking what time it is because OH NOES he blacked out again, and he thinks he might have done something bad. Then he cries. Really, Eggs? Tara is comforting, and they leave, and Eggs cries. CRIES. And Lafayette looks nervous.
Back at the Church of the Flaming Vampire, Jason comes riding up in the gator, and tells the guys guarding the door that it’s okay because he’s a cadet at the L.O.D.I., and he holds up his paintball gun like it’s real, and says HONESTY, YO, and the guard guy says DUDE and holds up his ring and they go WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE. Oh, Show. I love you. Jason heads up the church, and the guy tosses out that they have a vampire and a fangbanger chick, and that’s when Guy realizes it’s just a paintball gun, and Jason hits him in the face with it and runs away. WORD, JASON. WORD.
Now we’re creeping up on somebody sleeping in a car, and it turns out it’s Sam. He wakes up just as his phone starts ringing, and it says MURDERED GIRL IN YOUR FREEZER CALLING, and when he answers THERE’S NOBODY THERE except creepy breathing! He goes back to Shithole Bar and Grill and finds Daphne in his freezer sans heart. And the best part? He’s not even sad. He’s upset because they’re going to think he’s a murderer again. He starts to put Daphne in garbage bags(?) but then reconsiders and starts to call the police. But guess what? THE POLICE ARE ALREADY THERE. OOOOH.
Over at Casa de MaryannSucksHouse, Maryann is making some vegetables in a pan, and then she prepares the secret ingredient. DAPHNE’S HEART. This scene is really just too gross for words, so we’ll skip it. She makes Heart Stirfry, and she looks like a crazy whorebitch while she does it.
Back at Our Lady of Crucified Vikings, they’ve got Eric on their goofy throne thing, and he’s being held down by silver chains that are burning him up, and Reverend Douche says, “Just as Our Lord, Our Savior was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!” To which Sookie, who is being forcibly restrained, says, “That doesn’t make any sense!” Which, it doesn’t. ANYWAY. Eric gets all dramatic and says all breathy-like that he’s “offering himself in exchange for Godric…and oh, yeah, Sookie, too, I guess.” But Reverend Douche is having none of that and says THANKS BUT NO because she is a WHOREY WHORE and maybe they should tie her to Eric so she can meet the sun, too!
This is when there are screams and zooming from outside, and Bill comes running in and screams SOOOKIIIIEEEEE, and Sookie goes HEE! Bill vampires up, but Reverend Douche has a REAL gun, and he points it at Sookie, which stops Bill dead. (HA pun!) Bill responds by saying that if he shoots her, everybody will DIE, YO. Reverend Douche goes JEEZ and asks Sookie what they see in her, but as he orders the Soldiers of the Sun to get some chains for Bill, a voice screams NEWLIN and Reverend Douche gets shot in the hand…with a paintball rifle…by Jason who then shoots him again RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. Can I describe to you how much WIN this scene has become?
Bill takes that moment to vampire up and knock everybody down to rescue Sookie, but Sookie pulls away and runs up to take the chains off Eric. (OOOH, symbolic of how she saved Bill the same way and Bill was in LURVE.) Bill is like SOOKIE WTF, and as Eric gets up, he looks like the crazy psycho he is, and he grabs Reverend Douche and is all fangy staring down at him like I KEEL YOU. Sookie is screaming NO ERIC, and Jason is screaming DO IT, and Reverend Douche is like BRING IT FOOLS. WE ARE READY TO DIE. But I have to tell you, nobody else in that place looks ready to die.
TOO BAD because Team Vampire has showed up, and they are lead by Stan who is all WHAT UP, PARTNER, LET’S DO THIS THANG. Everybody is starting to get very nervous, and Stan tosses out that HI, YEAH, they did kill the first Reverend Douche, and Bill goes [>.<] and Sookie goes OMG NO, though she already knew this. Reverend Douche goes OMG MURDERER, and Stan goes DUH, and says KILL THESE FOOLS, and all of Team Vampire gets out their fangs, and every one of them grabs an FotSer. Stan grabs the Lukeanator, and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t going EAT HIM because you SO WERE. Anyway, they all grab their church-goer and prepare to eat, and then…
Then Godric’s dulcet tones ring from on high (LITERALLY) and I’m pretty sure that Godric is wearing a track suit, so now we know where Eric gets his fashion sense. Everybody stops and looks up at Godric, and Godric says LET THERE BE PEACE, and there was, and it was good. Godric says that there’s no reason for killing, and he asks Reverend Douche if he will be peaceful, and Reverend Douche says HELLS NO, and that he doesn’t negotiate with sub-humans. Then he yanks down his tie and gets on his knees in front of Eric and is all DO IT, JESUS WILL SAVE ME. This is when Godric says that he’s older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have met him.
AND I DIE AGAIN. THANKS FOR COMING FOLKS.
Godric then vampires down faster than any we’ve seen yet, and he grabs Reverend Douche and asks the people if any of them are willing to die for their crazy crazy preacher. Of course, none of them are, and Godric tells Team Vampire to stand down, and tells the people to GTFO, and they make tracks LIK WO. Sookie snuggles up against Bill, and Stan looks very depressed he didn’t get to eat anyone, and then, randomly, the Lukeanator looks like HE would have died for Reverend Douche if Godric had given him a second to answer. Reverend Douche is going OMG DON’T LEAVE ME, but everybody does. ;_; Godric is like HA HA, REV, and tells everyone LET’S GO. Stan steps up and says WTF? And Godric says I SAID LET’S GO, and Stan reluctantly obeys.
Then we flash over to where Bill and Sookie are standing, and Eric, who was just nearly fried by the sun and was made all mushy by silver, looks at Sookie and says, “Are you sure you’re okay?” just as sweet as can be. Bill goes WTF I KEEL YOU at Eric and tells him to go with his maker, and WTF, BILL? Who are you to order your sheriff to do anything? But whatevs, Eric goes, and Jason runs over to hug Sookie and apologizes to her for being a brainwashed fucktard. He says that Reverend Douche sucked out his brain and planted a bunch of babies in there. Reverend Douche goes OMG SHUT IT and tells them that they’ll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.
To which our little Jason Stackhouse responds that he’s already been to heaven and IT’S INSIDE YOUR WIFE, and then he punches Reverend Douche RIGHT THE FUCK OUT, and he is only stopped by Bill. As they’re leaving he throws his ring at Reverend Douche and calls him a ‘white suit-wearing motherfucker.’ Reverend Douche just sits down and cries as they leave.
Who loves Jason right now? Show of hands?
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sheriff Bud and Kenya are interrogating Sam, and apparently, it was an anonymous tip that sent them out there before Sam could even call. Sam is like DUH FRAME JOB, and Kenya brings up that he and Daphne were supposedly dating. Sam says they broke up (ooh), and Kenya says that this is the second time in two weeks a woman has been found at the bar with no heart (ouch), AND it’s the third waitress of his that has been murdered (not looking good). Sam mentions that it was RENE OMG who killed the other ones, and he says YOU KNOW ME. But Andy says, yeah, not so much because Sam’s past is mysterious.
This is when Andy walks in, and he hasn’t changed clothes from the day before, and he tells Bud OMG it is NOT Sam, and that he saw the orgy, and it was the BULL WITH THE CLAWS IN THE DRESS WITH CLAWS. Bud and Kenya just go OMG. WTF. Andy has been so great. SO GREAT. Andy is like SAM BACK ME UP, and Sam is like HI, NO. And Andy goes AWWW, SHIT.
Back at Casa de Blackout, Tara tells Eggs that they aren’t the only ones who are blacking out, and Eggs says that think she did something really bad, which OF COURSE is when Maryann shows up and says HI HEY WHAT’S UP. Eggs says that he’s trying to piece everything together, and Maryann says that maybe Eggs has been enjoying himself too much, and suggests they let up on the partying. LIKE IT’S HIS FAULT. Then she says HAAAAAAAAAAAAAY SNACKS READY. WTF? What is this bitch on?
Tara and Eggs go into the dining room, and Maryann brings out this souffle, and all of us starting going “No…they woudn’t…no, no way!” BUT YES WAY. YES FUCKING WAY, and Maryann calls it Hunter Souflee, and when Tara cuts into it, IT IS BLOODY, and BLOOD COMES OUT of the BLOOD PASTRY and they act like they don’t even notice! LIKE IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. Then they start eating it, and it is SO GOOD, and they start feeding each other, and then my food weirdness kicks in, and I have to stop watching. But they are like STUFFING their faces and laughing, and saying MMMMM.
Party at Godric’s crib, and the joint is rockin’ and full of vampires. Godric is sitting in his chair from Ikea, and everybody is coming up to say welcome back or something, and Stan walks up and says that everybody is very relieved he is home, but Godric doesn’t look so convinced. Next in line is…Jason? WTF? Jason says he’s sorry for what the FotS did, and as he starts to leave, Godric says that he helped save a lot of lives, and that he will always have friends in Dallas when he visits. Jason says he probably won’t be visiting any time soon KTHNXBAI.
Jason starts to wander off, but as he comes around the corner, he runs smack into Eric. Eric says that while Jason is a hero in Dallas, back home, he buys and uses V. Jason goes EEP and tries to say that he doesn’t do it anymore, but Eric tells him that they’re even since he helped save Godric. Eric tells him DON’T DO THAT NO MORE, and Jason says okay, then Eric says, “Good boy. Run along.” And Jason does, and Eric grins like a loon. HEEEEEE.
We finally see Sookie, and she’s dressed in some weird coat dress thing that the vampires gave her, but WHOA, she might have been better off in the Kidnap Dress. As soon as they’re alone, Sookie is like WTF BILL. She asks him what the hell took him so long to find her, and why is he avoiding her? Bill tries to brush it all off, but Sookie is having none of that, and wouldn’t you know? Somewhere under that hideous dress thing, Sookie has found her Woman Empowerment Cape.
Oh, Sookie. Welcome back. We have missed you.
She grills Bill about why he didn’t come running for her, and Bill says he was “held” and immediately Sookie assumes it was Eric. As soon as she says it, we hear this “Hmmmmmm…” and Eric saunters over and says “I heard my name.” And his ARMS and, like, THERE and BIG and LOVELY, and he says he hopes Sookie was speaking well of him. Apparently, Sookie forgets that they were just BFF and gets all grouchy about how he let her walk into a trap. Eric says he’s that he regrets that and pretends like he didn’t know it was a possibility, but Sookie calls him out on that shit and says OMG YOU DID KNOW and that because it was Godric, he didn’t care. Eric pretty much agrees with that and says that the bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than she can imagine, but PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT.
DEAD. AGAIN. SO DEAD.
Bill does not like this talk, and he goes I KEEL YOU at Eric. There’s a whole lot of eye-moving. Bill looks at Eric, and Eric looks at Sookie, and Sookie looks at Bill and then at Eric, and Eric looks at Bill and then Sookie, and it’s just a LOOKAPALOOZA.
Over in Bon Temps, Hoessica is back at Bill’s, and they’re making some more child porn, but as they start getting busy again, Jessica starts to say OW OW OW, and that’s when they realize…and yes, this is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE…that because Jessica is a vampire…her V-Card grows back. It will grow back EVERY TIME she has sex. AHAHAHAHAHA. How freaking tragic is that?
Back at Godric’s House of Male Superiority, Bill corners Eric and grabs him by the arm. Eric goes UM, WHUT, and tells Bill “I don’t like being touched.” Bill answers “Oh, believe me, I don’t like touching you.”
SO WOULD WE ALL.
Bill hisses that Sookie will NEVER be Eric’s
Sookie notices Bill is trying to do a runner after the show is over, and she corners him and asks him why he would be talking to Eric if he kidnapped him. For a minute, we think that Bill is going to lie, but he doesn’t have the chance. Jason shows up and asks to talk to Bill. It’s like Sookie’s HEAD is going to explode at this point, but Bill says OKAY LET’S GO, and he and Jason head out back to talk.
Over at Not the Killer State Penitentiary, Bud is leading a hand-cuffed Sam into a jail cell, for his “protection,” and we see that some of our Black-Eyed Crazies are also locked up, most notably Creepy Mike Spencer who is in jail for sodomizing a pine tree. W.T.F. Sam is incredulous because really WTF?
Out back of Godric’s House of Awkward Male Bonding, Jason asks Bill to forgive him for being a close-minded bigoted moron. Bill says thank you and tells Jason that he’s thankful that Jason helped rescue Sookie, and Jason says it was the least he could do and that he’s sorry it took so long for him to wake up. And then…you know it’s coming…you can see it in Jason’s eyes…you know what he’s going to do…AND THEN HE DOES IT. He HUGS Bill. Awkward Man Hug FTW! When he pulls back, he asks Bill if that was okay for him, and Bill says “It was fine.” HEEEEEEEEEE!
Inside the house, Isabel and Eric are back, and Eric dismisses some skank from talking to Godric with just the nod of his head and goes down to sit beside Godric like the drooling fan boy that he is. Hugo has been dispatched, and Eric has arranged for an AB Negative human for Godric. Godric says THANKS NO HUNGRY, and Eric acts like his mom and says YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. This is too hilarious for words. Godric tells him that the FotS didn’t treat him badly and that they’re just ordinary people. Eric is quietly outraged by this because they are making everybody hate vampires, and Godric is like HELLO? WE ARE SCARY. He says it’s the fault too because after thousands of years, they haven’t evolved either, they’ve only gotten worse. Godric is a human-loving vampire, obviously, but in a way that indicates how old and wise he is. Eric says that is why he didn’t fight when the came to take him, and Godric says that he could have PWNED those fools, but what would it have proven? Eric just sort of stares at him like DUDE, YOU ARE DEEP.
Back at OMFG GROSS WTF, Tara and Eggs ate the whole disgusting snack Maryann made for them, and Tara is like ZOMG I AM SO FAT, and then something strange happens. Eggs is like OMG I AM ALIVE. Then they start to argue in a AHAHAHA way. Then…they start hitting each other. Then they start REALLY hitting each other. By the end, they’re kicking each other’s asses, and then laying on the floor for SEXY SEXY, and Maryann is watching with glee, and I am COMPETELY and TOTALLY disturbed.
Back at Godric’s House of Foreshadowing, we see somebody pull up in front of the place, and then he starts creepy creeping up to the house all slow like, but WHO IS IT? Inside, trouble has just walked through another door, and that trouble’s name is Lorena, and she looks more FUG than ever. Her hair is a mess, and her dress is ORANGE, and I can’t stop laughing because OMG YOU PSYCHO. She makes a beeline for Sookie, and in her weird squinty way, she’s like O HAI. Sookie is just as bright and cheerful as ever as she introduces herself, and honestly, I don’t know how Lorena can see her out of those SQUINTY eyes. Lorena starts the bitchfight off by calling Sookie a morsel, and Sookie goes SCUSE? Lorena says they have a friend in common, and she can’t believe that bill hasn’t mentioned here because HI, MAKER. That is when Bill comes rushing in and is like LORENA WTF?
Bill is like I CAN EXPLAIN, and Lorena says EXPLAIN THE LAST TWO NIGHTS, which really sound worse than it is, and Sookie goes WTF. Lorena mentions that Bill hit her with a television, and Sookie acts like that is the best thing she’s ever heard. Lorena does give us one moment of lulz by saying she hopes that Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” because there is no excuse for domestic violence. AHAHAHA. Bill loses his rag at this point and tells Sookie that Lorena was holding him hostage. Lorena is like WHAT? NO, and when she goes to touch Bill, Sookie steps up to the plate and knocks this shit out of the park.
Sookie says DO NOT TOUCH BITCH, and everyone is suddenly looking over at the catfight. Lorena goes AHAHA WHATEVER, HAPPY MEAL, and she tells Sookie that she can’t win. This is absolutely the WRONG thing to say to Sookie, and Sookie says AHAH I ALREADY DID. She says that Bill chose her, and still Lorena is a pathetic saddo who won’t give up. Bill intervenes because, yes, though this is WONDERFUL, Lorena could kill Sookie in a second. Lorena tells Sookie to listen and to RUN AWAY, LITTLE GIRL. Sookie is OUTRAGED, but Lorena walks around the table toward Bill and says that they are in love FOREVER AND EVER, and Bill says HI NO and tells Lorena to GTFO because she is CRAZY.
Sookie can take no more, and she flaps her Cape about and tells Lorena that while she might love Bill, Bill does NOT love her, and he never has, SO THERE. This is now too much for Lorena, who pops a fang and tells Sookie to TAKE IT BACK OMG. Bill tries to wrestle Sookie out the door, but NO ONE can contain Sookie when HER MAN IS ON LINE, and she says STFU FUCKING BITCH AND DIAF! Lorena throws Bill out of the way like he is a rag doll and grabs Sookie Jason is starting to run forward to save his sister, but there is no need, for a hand appears and pulls Lorena off Sookie oh so gently.
Godric, of course, and he tells Lorena to Retract. Her. Fangs. She does, and Godric says that he doesn’t know or care who she is, but in that area, and deffo in that house, he is the boss, GOT IT? And Eric is like RIGHT THERE beside Godric, as though Godric needs protecting, but it’s kind of cute. Lorena says she understands, and Godric lets her go and tells her that Sookie is the shit so WTF? Lorena says that Sookie provoked her, and Godric gets up in her face and says YOU PROVOKE ME BITCH. He says he could snap her like a twig, but he hasn’t. Why? And Lorena who is SHAKING with terror says because it’s his choice. And Godric says WORD, BITCH. He tells her that she’s had hundreds of years to better herself, but she hasn’t. She sucks, and she’s the reason people hate vampires, so she needs to GTFO. Godric tells Bill to escort her and to GTFO of his area before dawn.
Lorena takes the walk of shame with Bill, and she tries to make us feel sorry for her by saying she doesn’t know how it got that way, that she can’t help if she still loves him. Then she starts crying and shows that she is such a pathetic waste of fangs that I can’t even stand it. It’s RIDICULOUS. Lorena asks when they’ll see each other again, and Bill says NEVER, YO. Lorena is like PFF RIGHT.
Back inside the house, everyone has calmed down, and Jason is back to his old manwhore ways with some girl, and that creepy creeper from before starts walking slowly into the room, and IT’S THE LUKEANATOR. Jason sees him and goes WTF? Luke tells him to stay away and pushes him out, telling him go, then he raises his voice and says O HAI EVERYBODY FOTS IN THE HIZZY. He tells them that he has a message from Reverend Douche, and then he unzips his coat and HE IS WRAPPED IN SILVER CHAINS AND A BOMB!
AND HE PUSHES THE DETONATOR!
WHICH BLOWS US AWAY TO THE CREDITS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BEST. EPISODE. EVER. See my vlog later today for deeper thoughts.
What did you think?
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Love your blog! Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeletewow!! oh and this may be a dumb question i can't remeber what is a v-card?
ReplyDeleteJust got into True Blood & I'm catching up on all the episodes I've missed. Gotta say, I don't watch a single episode without reading your recaps after. You've typed what's going through my mind as I'm watching. So, your blog pretty much completes my True Blood experience.
ReplyDeletemkaythnx :)