Luke goes nuke, Eric is a big faker and tricks Sookie into drinking his blood, which makes Bill look like he’s going to throw up, then Sookie starts having SEXY SEXY dreams about Eric and Bill knocks the holy hell out of Eric for said tricksy business. Maryann goes to get Sam out of jail, but Sam gets Sam out of jail first, and Maryann is NOT happy. Hoyt wants Jessica to meet his mom, and yeah…that doesn’t go well. Lafayette and Lettie Mae go and kidnap Tara from Maryann, after a round of beat downs. Godric reveals that he (stupidly) gave himself to the FotS, NanFlan fires him, and Godric decides that the best way to make up for his mistakes IS TO KILL HIMSELF. *headdesk* Maryann shows up and tells the whole town BRING ME SAM, LIKE, NOW, and everybody, including Hoyt’s mom gets the Black Eyes. Sam flies (AHAH GET IT) over to Andy’s hotel room, and Andy decides that Sam being naked on his doorstep isn’t weird at all and lets him in. Eric cries like a bitch, Godric lays the Maker’s Mark on him, and Sookie stays up on the roof to watch Godric die, which is probably one of the lamest moments of this show so far, as he disappears into a puff of blue sparkly flames, and Sookie goes like this ;_;
THEN SHE KISSES HIS BLOODY CHEEKS. WHUT? It’s supposed to be sweet, but honestly, all I could think was YOU ARE KISSING DRIED BLOOD. EWW, GROSS. Eric sort of looks uncomfortable for a moment as she is doing this, but then as she starts to pull away, he grabs her and pulls her back. PHWOAR. They sort of do some face nuzzling, and then they start kissing…well, Sookie starts trying to eat his upper lip, anyway. Oh, yes, how romantic. Kissing someone who is COVERED WITH BLOOD. So very sexy and romantic. Anyway, Eric lays her back on the bed, and then pops a fang. Did you ever notice that ASkars wrinkles his nose in an absolutely adorable manner when he pops a fang?
OMG it's so cute that it almost distracts me from the weirdness of this scene. Which only gets weirder as Sookie stares up at him, and then she reaches up and touches his fang. Hello, Sookie, personal space, please? That just seems a bit intrusive, don’t you think? Plus, it’s sort of hilarious. Anyway, she’s all like OOH PRETTY FANG, and Eric is kind of like GUUUUUH when she touches it, and then she turns her head like the big neck whore she is so that he can bite her, which is when I realize that this is another dream because HI NO.
And, it is, and Sookie wakes up all O.O, and she’s riding in some kind of van with Jason who goes o.O and asks her what she was dreaming about. Turns out they’re in some sort of airport van thing, and Bill is behind them in the back in his Anubis Air pod, and they’re on their way back to Bon Temps. Jason starts talking about how when he used to go away on football trips and when he got back home, things weren’t like he left them. Sookie reminds us that she’s a little sheltered girl who has never left home before, and Jason starts to say something else, but then he goes O.O, and we hear an alarm going off somewhere outside the van and its elevator music which is playing softly in the background.
HOLY CRAP the sign that says WELCOME TO BON TEMPS now says WELCOME TO BONE TEMPS, complete with a penis drawn on it and the words FUCK OFF. Oh, Show. You never disappoint me with the lulz. But then again, WTF? What has happened to this town? The place is trashed, and as they pass, they see some guy beating his head against a pole. At first I thought he was getting busy with it, but thankfully, no. Then all the sudden, there’s a big THUD and breaking glass, and OH NOES, the van driver has hit some people! Everybody jumps out of the van, and the people who got hit are all bloody and going AHAHAHAHAHA WOOOOO and taking off their clothes. Sookie asks them if they’re okay, and then Sookie and Jason see the Black Eyes, and the people just say WOOOO GOTTA GET SAM! WOOOO IT’S ALMOST TIME WOOOO! And Sookie and Jason go o.O
Credits.
Let me preface all of this by addressing something that I’ve already seen all over the place. Why are Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, and Andy not affected by the Black Eyes power? First, there’s the question of if it’s just in the town, or if you have to be present when the Black Eyed Madness starts. Lafayette and Lettie Mae were in the room when Tara and Eggs got them, so that might suggest no, but it might also just be the Maryann is able to control Tara and Eggs much easier. Other people have argued that it’s because Lafayette has had Eric’s blood and Lettie Mae is religious, so they can’t be affected. I’m not sure about that. A lot of people have had vampire blood, and they still seem to be Black Eyed crazies. And Lafayette has always seemed sort of…different, though we can pretty much say he’s not supernatural in any way. Sookie might be protected because of her mind-reading powers, but there are other reason that she and Jason are protected that don’t come to light until well into the books, so I won’t go into that for spoilery reasons. Let’s just say they have might have natural immunity. And if you‘ll remember, Andy DID have the Black Eyes at a few parties he went to, but lately, he hasn‘t been hanging out with the devil zombies, so I guess that does mean you have to be present to get them when Maryann flexes her powers. The whole thing is a bit weird, and I suppose we’ll have to wait to see.
Anyway, back to the show. Over at Casa de WTF IS THAT? It’s like a big tree altar thing made of MEAT and vegetables. Maryann is climbing up a ladder to work on it, and we see flowers and bones and squash and MEAT in this thing, and there are flies buzzing all around, and it is DISGUSTING. WTF. Eggs is there helping her, like this is the most normal thing in the world, and Carl shows up with a bird on a tray, and she’s all like YAY FEATHERS. In the background, there are guys carrying wheelbarrows in and out of the house, and there’s a guy washing her car, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Maryann orders MORE MEAT and she wants expensive meat because this meat tree is for somebody OMG SO IMPORTANT, oh, and there are people bringing them something living to sacrifice BWUAHA. It’s also interesting to note that Eggs has the Black Eyes. Formerly, it seemed like when people had the Black Eyes, they were just mindless zombies going UUUUGHHH and ERRRGGGH and doing it all over the place. Obviously, they can function now and do household chores.
Over at Motel Sleaze, Sam is huddled down in Andy’s hotel room, jumping at every sound and generally just freaking out, and I believe he’s wearing Andy’s clothes. Andy comes in just then carrying some stuff, and he tells Sam that everybody is gone, and Sam makes sure to check Andy’s eyes. Andy has brought Sam’s clothes from the jail, and some liquor, of course, and he tells Sam that the whole sheriff’s office is empty, the town is destroyed, and people are peeing in the street. Meanwhile, Sam is changing his clothes, and I don’t even CARE what Andy is saying because NAKED SAM. But sadly, not naked, and he tells Andy that he knows the town has gone to shit but he has no idea how to defeat a maenad. “A may-WHAT?” Andy says, and Sam goes -_- because apparently he already filled Andy in on everything the night before, like how Maryann was to blame for the crazies, and oh, yes, SHE is the killer. Maryann is the killer, NOT Sam. She’s immortal, she has powers, and she is going to cut out his heart “so a bunch of naked people can watch.“ And Andy is like yeah, whatever, Crazy Pants, let’s kill that bitch.
Sam’s phone rings just then, and it’s Arlene. She’s hiding at Shithole Bar and Grill, and she’s crying and freaking out. She tells Sam that the crazies have Terry, and now they’re after her, and OH NOES HELP ME. Sam goes YEAH WHATEVER because he has seen Arlene at the crazy parties, but Arlene is like OMG I KNOW BUT HELP. The whole scene, she won’t face the camera, so, yeah, she’s totally still a Black Eyed Crazy, but Sam is noble and shit, and he tells her that he is on his way to help her. Silly puppy.
Back at the Old Compton Place, Jason is leaving a message on the police answering machine about the people getting hit by the car as Bill is being let out of his pod, and PHWOAR, BILL. I don’t know what happened, but he looks FANTASTIC. He looks much better than he has in the last few episodes, and his hair even looks more black, and GUH. Sookie goes over and tells Bill that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong because she can FEEL IT. Oh, yes, and SEE IT because HI the town is destroyed. This is when Maxine Fortenberry appears at the top of the stairs, and AHAHAHAH OMFG. She is a HOT MESS. Her hair is all crazy, and she’s got the black eyes, and she’s all like O HAI VAMPIRE AND VAMPIRE LOVER. Bill, Sookie, and Jason go WTF, and Maxine starts cackling just as Jessica and Hoyt come running out after her.
Bill goes JESSICA WTF, but for once, it’s not Jessica’s fault. Hoyt tries to explain about what’s been going on, and HI, he doesn’t have the Black Eyes either, so this pretty much confirms that you have to be in the room when she works her voodoo to get them. Anyway, Bill asks how long it’s been going on, and they tell him since the night before and how she’s been going on about giving Sam as a sacrifice to the god. Then Maxine makes us all throw up as she gets sexy voice and says, “Why don’t you offer yourself to me, Jason Stackhouse?” OMG BARF. Jason goes O.O as Maxine tries to kiss him, but Bill saves the day and says WTF DOES SHE EVER STOP? Hoyt says that playing the Wii gets her to focus, and once again, Bill’s Wonderful Wii, plot point extraordinaire, makes its triumphant return.
So, they set Maxine up playing the Wii (Dead Space maybe? Not sure.) while they have a chat about what’s been happening. Bill goes o.O as Maxine cusses a blue streak, and says that Maxine says god is coming? Hoyt says yes, that everybody is waiting at Shithole Bar and Grill so that they can take him to Maryann’s house. Sookie goes UM, where is that? And Hoyt has the horrible task of telling her that Maryann’s house is actually her house, and Sookie goes -_- because if there is one thing we know about Sookie it’s that she LOVES her house. Maxine starts crazy talking again how they’re going to cut Sam up and serve him like barbeque, and Sookie goes O.o and asks if anybody has been attacked by anything with claws. Hoyt says he heard that Lady VooDoo had scratches on her when she was found dead AND that Daphne had scars. Jason gets all excited about the possibility of fucking a new waitress at Merlotte’s, but when Bill says they should go talk to her, Hoyt lets them know that HI, she’s dead.
Jason is like WTF THIS IS MY TURF and he says he’s going to Merlotte’s to figure out just what the hell is happening. Bill has a big crush on the Stackhouses, so he tells Jason that if it’s the same thing that got Sookie, OMG IT’S NOT SAFE. But Jason tells him he’s not going to sit back and let monsters destroy his town. Sookie reminds him of the talk they had about using his brain, and Jason is like I AM, and there’s this hilarious war march type music playing in the background, and Jason tells them that this is the war he was training for. Sookie starts to complain, but Bill says that Jason can take care of himself, so Sookie lets him go, and she and Jason hug before Jason runs out the door to save the day.
Sookie then asks where Tara is, and Hoyt is like o.O Um, yeah, she’s been partying pretty hard, and that is ALL that Sookie needs to hear. She grabs her purse, and is OUT, YO, and Bill tags along. Maxine is still playing the Wii, and Hoyt asks Jessica if he should go, too. Jessica says HI, NO because that would leave her alone with Maxine, and Maxine just keeps on keeping on with her crazy self.
Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam and Andy are creeping up into the place, which looks totally deserted, but we know better. The bar is surprisingly clean considering the state of the rest of the town. Andy says the place is empty, but Sam does his doggy nose trick and says he can smell people. That’s when we hear insane giggling, and Arlene comes around the corner all O HAI SAM, and she has a freaking BUTCHER knife, and she’s like YAY! SACRIFICE! Then she starts some weird chant, and the place is FULL of people that were like hiding under tables and in light fixtures and shit, people that a second ago, were nowhere to be seen. Sam and Andy go EEP because they are completely surrounded, and everybody is acting CRAZY. Andy gets out his gun and fires a few shots, but this only makes the crazies laugh even LOUDER, and then Terry wrestles the gun away from Andy and kicks his ass again. Terry starts shooting up the place until he finally shoots some guy in the arm, and goes, “Aww, FUCK.” Everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS, and I think I’m sick of this storyline.
Sam and Andy escape during the momentary distraction, and they try to run to the back door, but there are crazies back there, too! They hop into the kitchen through the little order window, and all the crazies are like WE’RE GUNNA EAT CHOO. Andy grabs a bottle of liquor as Sam leads him into the walk-in freezer thing in the back, and they lock themselves in. Oh, yes, guys. Great plan. Fantastic. Outside in the kitchen, all the crazies are doing that weird chant, and then Terry, who seems to be flourishing in this post-apocalyptic setting, takes control and says YAY WE GOT HIM. PARTY TIME! He tells Jane Bodehouse to go call Maryann so she can come pick up Sam. Inside the freezer, Sam and Andy realize that they are fucked BIG TIME because they can’t kill the people outside. Those people are their friends, neighbors, and cousins, so yeah, NO KILLING. Meanwhile, Jane Bodehouse goes to call Maryann, but instead, she calls one of those FOR A GOOD TIME CALL numbers instead. AHAHAHA.
Back at Lafayette’s House of Interventions, Tara is tied up to a chair, and she’s still got the Black Eyes, and she’s telling Lettie Mae that it BUUUURNS, and this is very upsetting to Lettie Mae, who just wants to help, and for her trouble, she gets a head butted! Awesome, Tara! It’s Lafayette’s turn next, and he sounds really scared and heartbroken, and tells Tara to get the fuck up out of there, and for HIS trouble, he gets spit on! Awesome again, Tara! She just laughs like a lunatic, and we go HOLY SHIT, TARA IS SCARY. Lettie Mae starts to pray, and we get our first glimpse of what it looks like to be a Black Eyed Crazy, and it’s sort of like looking through watery eyes. It’s very disorienting, and as Lettie Mae is praying, Tara starts to get all fidgety and bothered by it.
OF COURSE SHE DOES. OF COURSE the pagan-inspired situation is MADE ALL BETTER by praying to Jesus. *headdesk* True Blood, you are on my last nerve with this shit.
Anyway, Lafayette joins in the praying, and after they are finished, Lettie Mae is like o.O. Lafayette says, “Jesus and I agreed to see other people, but that don’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” GREAT line. Greatness, but it does not make up for the religious fuckery that has been happening on this show. Anyway, Lettie Mae says that Lafayette has been good to Tara while she, herself, has always been a rotten bitch, but Lafayette has a little emo moment and says he was too wrapped up in his own shit and he should have seen this coming. As though he could have helped. Tara meanwhile acts like a scary, crazy fucking bitch and says BWUAHAH HE’S COMING AND HE’S GONNA KEEL US.
Over at Casa de WhatUsedtoBeStackhouse, Bill and Sookie are pulling up, and they see the Meat Tree, and Bill goes WTF? Sookie says ZOMG STINKS, and they go up into the house to see that it has become like some weird tree house business. There are vines and shit growing out of the walls, and there’s dirt everywhere, and all of Maryann’s hideous statues have showed up, and OH NOES, Sookie comes in and sees that all of her pictures are off the wall, and BEFORE they even show it, I know what is coming. YES, IT’S TRUE. The Photoshop Monstrosity HAS RETURNED! Sookie stares at it all sadly, and honestly, I wonder how she is EVER going to get her house right again. This place is WRECKED.
Sookie’s phone rings, and it’s Lafayette, and she asks him where Tara is. He tells her to GTFO of her house because bad shit is going to happen, and that’s when and Bill see the Bull Head mask thing, and Sookie is like ZOMG WE GOTTA GO. They start to leave, but, of course, they run into Maryann. Maryann goes “WTF are you doing in my house?” And Sookie is like WTF BITCH THIS IS MY HOUSE. Bill tries to help by puffing his chest out and politely suggesting that Maryann GTFO, but Maryann just says NICE BOYFRIEND. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, YOU KNOW. (Note: Alan Ball, I’m going to kill you for that line. Love, Me.) Sookie goes PFFT NOT SCARY. And so Maryann straight CHOKES that bitch. When she tries to pull Maryann’s hand away from her throat, Sookie gets the little mind meldy picture things, and she sees that Maryann is the one who attacked her. OH NOES, and thanks for finally joining the party, Sookie.
Bill comes to the rescue and throws Maryann onto a couch and tells Sookie to run, and then he pops a fang and attacks Maryann, but I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. Maryann starts going OH YEAH BABY RAVAGE ME (WTF?), and Bill starts immediately like throwing up some black goo and foaming at the mouth, and Maryann is like AHAHAHAH PWN.
This is how I feel about Maryann, too. And I love this gif. FO REALZ. And yes, that is a statue of a naked man in the background, and yes, the man parts appear dangerously close to Bill's mouth.
Her blood is like greenish black, and it’s GROSS, and Sookie is trying to help Bill up, but Maryann starts to get up in Sookie’s face going WHAT ARE YOU? Just like Bill did when they first met! Maryann puts her hands all over Sookie’s face, and Sookie has had ENOUGH of this bullshit, and she smashes her hand against Maryann’s face and says NUNYA, BITCH.
AND THEN HER HAND GLOWS. HER FUCKING HAND FUCKING GLOWS, and it sort of zaps Maryann, who goes o.OO.o and Bill goes O.O, and Sookie goes O.O, and I go YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
Guys, I really can’t take anymore. REALLY. Glowing hands now? I get it. I understand what it means and why it happened and all of that, but REALLY? UGH. Anyway, they take this time to GTFO, and Bill is puking up his guts with every step as Sookie drags him to her car, and Maryann is just laughing all AHAHAH WHAT ARE YOU ZOMG!
Back in the Freezer of Saddos, Sam and Andy are now freezing to death, and they’re drinking the bottle of liquor that Andy brought in for warmth. Please tell me they’re not going to start hugging. There is a big time party going on outside, and Sam starts saying how if he had left town when he wanted to, none of this would have happened. Andy is like WHATEVS. He tells him he’s been good to the town, even if he’s a sometimes nudist. BWUAHA. Sam starts freaking out about how people are going to start dying, and Andy says HI, LADY VOODOO AND DAPHNE, and Sam takes a minute to BOO HOO about how Daphne was a big liar, and Andy talks about his nanny Annie, Annie the Nanny. And then seriously, Andy starts talking about some crazy insane shit about blind people and one-eyed men and kings, and Sam actually goes WTF ARE YOU SAYING? And Andy says I HAVE NO IDEA. And we go WTF IS HAPPENING WITH THIS EPISODE.
Somewhere out the in the woods, Jason pulls up in his pick-up truck of righteousness, and it is time to GEAR UP, YO. He has all kinds of stuff, such as a nail gun, a chainsaw, and a snappy toboggan, he gets ready and sneaks into Shithole Bar and Grill. Jane Bodehouse is the only guard watching Sam and Andy’s Freezer of Fun, and Jason sneaks around and peeks out into the place, which has become…festive. Yeah, that’s about the only nice way to say it. Creepy Mike Spencer is drinking out of the tap, some girl is making some guy give her some very forceful oral sex, people are doing it on the pool tables WHILE people are playing pool. The place is just a mess. Jason goes O.O, but that would normally be his scene. Then we see a guy who is possibly snorting corn chips, and some chick covered with mustard or cheese or something that is being licked off by…GROSS FOOD SEX. I cannot handle it! Anyway, suffice it to say, this place is fucked.
Jason comes marching out with his nail gun and is like WTF PEOPLE GET OUT. Nobody listens, and they just keep on with what they’re doing, so Jason starts up his chainsaw, and still nothing. Then he goes over and freaking CHAINSAWS through the radio. The power button would have worked just fine, Jason. *patpat* This finally gets their attention, but only for a minute because then everybody goes back to what they were doing again. Jason is FURIOUS about this, and so he cocks his nail gun and gets ready to kick some ass. Some guy in a t-shirt that says THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID tries to get him, but Jason nails that guy to the bar, and he deserves it for wearing that shirt.
Jason takes Arlene hostage, and everybody starts to freak out, but then they are freaking out because they WANT him to put a nail in her head. WTF? Even Arlene is like WOOOO DO IT. Terry snaps out of the zombieness for a minute to tell Jason not to hurt his “special lady”, but Arlene says, “I need a haircut anyway, baby.” Someone explain to me what that means. I so do not get it. I need a haircut so put a nail in my head? Whatever. This gets Terry’s attention, so he asks Jason what his demands are. Jason tells them to all GTFO and then they can have Arlene. Terry agrees, and he tells everyone to LEFT RIGHT LEFT out the door. Everyone leaves, and then Jason hands her over and runs back inside.
Back in Sookie’s Car of Puke, Bill is still retching his guts up, and Sookie is like WTF IS GOING ON. Bill tells her that he’s all right, and she goes NO YOU AREN’T. NONE OF THIS IS ALL RIGHT, and then she says…”I’m calling Eric.” AHAHAHA, oh, Show. Bill immediately goes NO YOU AREN’T and hauls himself back into the car, but then Sookie mentions that she was calling Eric to get to Dr. Ludwig because Bill is fucked up LIK WO. Bill is not concerned about this. He wants to know what all that glowy palm business was about, and Sookie tells him she has no freaking idea. She also throws in that it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods, and that even though she doesn’t have any scars, she could feel her there when she touched her. HI, CREEPY. Bill goes ZOMG I WILL KEEL HER, and Sookie says GOOD, BUT HOW? This takes Bill a minute, and then he says that Tara has been under her influence, so maybe Tara can help. Bill, sweetie, Tara ain’t helping nobody do nothing. Then he’s like GIVE ME YOUR WRIST NOW BITCH, and he bites Sookie’s wrist so he can get better.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Jason lets Andy and Sam out, and they wisely check his eyes, but YAY Jason is not a devil zombie, so they come out. They realize that the doors will only hold for so long, and Jason comments that if they’re going to get out of there, they’re going to need a bigger “divergence.” That’s when Terry throws a keg and some guy through the window, and HI, that is not what Jason meant. They start to run for it again, but it’s no use. Devil zombies everywhere! Terry comes in and sits down to smoke a cigarette, and he tells them that the God Who Comes is going to get Sam AND Jason for not being cool, and Sam realizes it’s time to give up. He decides to turn himself over to save the rest of them, and the devil zombies get him and Sam does some crowd surfing as Jason and Andy go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Over at Lafayette’s House of Fun, Tara has started rocking back and forth, doing that crazy chant, and Lafayette has had just about enough of this shit, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He goes to answer it, thinking it is Sookie, but it’s not. It’s some college girl who wants to buy some V so she can get through finals week. Lafayette is like ZOMG BITCH GET OUT. Bill and Sookie pull up just then, and Bill uses his super hearing to hear what is going on, and when he hears V, he vampires out of the car to up right beside the college girl and goes GTFO NOW. Lafayette about shits a brick because OMG VAMPIRE TRAUMA, and once college girl is gone, Bill is like WTF? Lafayette IMMEDIATELY says GET OFF ME, MAN, ERIC TOLD ME TO.
AHAHAHAHAHA. Way to go, Lafayette. You just sold Eric out, and don’t you believe for a second that Bill isn’t going to rat Eric out because HE SO IS. And really, it’s no more than Eric deserves. Telling Lafayette to sell V? Really, Eric?
Anyway, Sookie runs inside, and Lafayette politely invites Bill in, and they go and check out what’s going on with Tara. Sookie is like WTF, and Lettie Mae sees Bill and goes O.O. Tara goes OMG GET OUT OF MY FACE, C-WORD. Oh, HELL NO, Tara. Sookie tries to mind meld with Tara, but all she sees is swirly blackness, and Sookie is like WTF? She tells them that Tara is totally gone, but Lafayette and Bill tell her that she has to keep trying, that she has to push farther than she ever has. Meanwhile, Lettie Mae is like WTF MIND READING? Sookie tries again, but all she gets is a few glimpses of one of the orgies, and Sookie tells them that there’s a barrier that she can’t cross.
Bill suggests that he hypnovamps her, and Lettie Mae does not like this idea, and neither does Sookie, but Bill says that if they leave her with the Black Eyes, who knows what could happen to her or them. Sookie finally agrees, and Lafayette and Lettie Mae hold hands as Bill leans in and INTENSES right in Tara’s face. He says OMG CAN YOU FEEL MY INFLUENCE DON’T FIGHT IT LET ME IN, and his voice is uber sexy as he does it, and I go PHWOAR.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, the crazies tie Sam to the top of a car, and Arlene is like THANKS SAM YOU’RE AWESOME. Then suddenly, a flare goes flying through the air, and all the crazies are like OOH PRETTY, and then we hear a voice go SILENCE! Everybody looks over, and AHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I will be laughing about this for DAYS. To us, it’s very obviously Jason in a gas mask with some flares and a pair of oven mitts or something. To the crazies, he looks ZOMG IMPRESSIVE AND SCARY and his voice is LIKE THIS ARGGGH. He jumps up onto a car and goes I AM THE GOD WHO COMES. And Creepy Mike Spencer goes UM, WHUT? Sam causally reminds them that the God Who Comes has horns, so Andy runs off to get some. OMG THE LULZ.
JasonGod goes SAM MERLOTTE YOU ARE MINE, and he tells everyone to go home. The crazies are like WHAT? And JasonGod goes, “Oh, yes. He is the…best offering ever.” And that is when I totally lost my shit because this is freaking HILARIOUS. All the crazies are like WOO WE DID GOOD, and JasonGod says something about them having good crops and NOW GTFO. Terry goes BULLSHIT THE GOD HAS HORNS, and that is when Andy holds up a TREE BRANCH behind Jason, and it looks like horns, and all the crazies go OOOOOH. Sam takes that moment to climb down off the car, and I am not kidding you, I nearly peed myself.
Sam holds his arm out all LORD SMITE ME, but Jason can’t hear him through his gas mask and such, so he asks Andy what he said, and Andy says he doesn’t know. So Sam keeps having to say SMITE ME, SMITE ME, and finally he goes SMITE ME, MOTHERFUCKER. Jason finally gets it, and he goes GRRRRARRGG I SMITE THEE, SAM MERLOTTE! And Sam starts shaking and convulsing and then POOF he is gone, and all that is left is a pile of clothes.
The crazies go OMGWTF, and even Jason and Andy go OMGWTF, and Creepy Mike Spencer investigates the clothes, and then they go YAY HE’S GONE. JasonGod tells them to tell their leader that he is very happy with his offering, and to leave, and that’s when we see Terry swatting at a very persistent fly. OH, SAM. YOU SNEAKY PETE. Terry tells the crazies to report to Maryann for debriefing, and Jane Bodehouse’s nasty self says “Anybody who wants to debrief me, can do so right now!” BARF.
All of the crazies run off, and Jason takes off his god costume, and he and Andy go WTF WHERE IS SAM? And then Sam appears wearing NOTHING but a kitchen apron and a fire extinguisher to put out the flares, and might I say, his rear end is LOVELY. Andy takes a swig from his bottle and says it’s the last drink he’ll ever take, but Jason takes the bottle, and I’m guessing the swing he takes will the first of many.
Back at Lafayette’s House of Mindfucking, Bill is still trying to hypnovamp Tara, and Sookie is behind her, hugging her for all it’s worth. They are tag team mind-melding, and Sookie is getting nothing. Bill sounds really horribly desperate and panicked, and Tara is like BACK OFF, WHITE MAN, but Lafayette tells her to listen and Lettie Mae starts praying, and Bill practically pops a blood vessel and tells Sookie OMG NOW. So Sookie does her thing, and she starts to see a little more of the crazy orgy, and when Tara and Eggs first got sucked in and were doing it, and she sees Sam, and the gross Hunter Souflee, and Tara and Eggs’ Home Fight Club, and Maryann, and just all the hideous things that have been happening, and then SLOWLY the Black Eyes start to go away until finally, THEY ARE GONE! YAY! TARA HAS BEEN SAVED!
Bill and Sookie both look totally exhausted from the effort, and Tara is like WTF? WTF! OMG! OMG! And then the poignant violins start and she and Sookie are hugging and crying, and then Tara is hugging and crying with Lettie Mae, and it’s just a big hug and cry fest, and Sookie is like I NEED OUT, YO. She goes outside, and Bill follows her, and Tara looks at Lafayette, and Lafayette just sort of waves at her. It’s really cute, and she hugs Lafayette, but then realizes OMG EGGS. She gets up and says she has to get Eggs, but Lafayette beats her to the punch and locks the door and tells her NO.
Outside on the Porch of Trauma, Sookie tells Bill that there was nothing of Tara left inside her, and how she can’t believe there are other things that can hypnotize people. Bill reminds her that humans are pretty much stupid and easy to control, which, hi, we are. Sookie realizes that all of it is coming from Maryann, and how GROSS it is that they eat hearts but now Maryann wants THEIR SOULS ZOMG! And she says OMG THAT CHANT! Bill says WHAT CHANT and Sookie repeats it, but Bill finishes it for her, and we get a quick flashback to the hilarious days of Bill’s 1930’s smoking jacket, where he was reading that book before he and Lorena got into the domestic, and IT JUST SO HAPPENS he was reading about THAT EXACT THING.
OH, AHAHAHAHAHA. I love it! HOW IS THAT FOR CONTINUITY, BITCHES?
Anyway, Bill gets the OH SHIT face, and Sookie knows what that looks means. Bill says he’s read about this crazy shit, but he assumed it was a myth. Now he thinks Maryann might be one, but Sookie only wants to know how to kill her. Bill says OMG I DON’T KNOW, but he might know a vampire who does know how. MIGHT KNOW, he repeats. But if he’s going to get there before sunrise, he has got to motor, and sorry, Sookie, since you are mortal, you don’t get to come. He tells her she can do more good by staying with her friends, and he says “Tara” like “Terror” because he’s British in real life and they have a problem with things sending with “a”. Bill knows that the only way that Sookie is going to stay is if she remembers that her friends need her, and besides is the lair of a vampire queen really any place for Sookie? Probably not. So Sookie agrees because OMG look what happened when she left the first time! YES, SOOKIE, BON TEMPS REVOLVES AROUND YOU. It’s YOUR FAULT OMG.
Bill asks Sookie if she can do the glowy palm business again, but Sookie says she doesn’t even know what it was, so probably not. Bill then tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and he makes her promise she won’t go over to her house. We know that Sookie has a history of not thinking before she does things, so she promises, then Bill kisses her goodbye, and he vampires away fast and hard enough to totally blow Sookie’s hair back. PHWOAR, BILL. PHWOAR.
Back the Old Compton Place, Maxine is trying to get out the door, but Hoyt is locking her in, and for a second, it looks like she’s trying to screw him. O.O Jessica is on the stairs totally about to lose her shit, and Maxine launches into a tirade against Hoyt that is really mean and hateful. I mean, the things that she is saying are really horrible. Hoyt is just shrugging it off, but Jessica CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OMG. Maxine just keeps on going, and Jessica pops a fang, and then IT IS ON because Jessica hasn’t eaten in days, and she FLINGS Hoyt aside like a rag doll and then totally bites Maxine all vicious like. EEP! (But of course everyone will forgive Jessica for being a vampire, even though they crucify Bill for it every week. WHATEVER.)
So now we see Bill walking up to some freaking temple thing, and there are some guys who look like extras from “The Matrix” standing outside, and they’re like YOU ARE EXPECTED, SIR. They lead him across a bridge that covers a pool, and the whole place is INCREDIBLY tacky. I mean, it’s out of CONTROL and it‘s HIDEOUS and not at all what I expected. And Bill goes into a room, and starts to say WHAT UP, YOUR MAJ, but then OH NOES, he goes O.O, and we see a dangling foot with blood dripping off of it!
CREDITS!
I have to tell you that I am really pleased with this episode. We went back to the ORIGINAL madness that made the show so likeable in the beginning. Most of the fan girls have been complaining because OMG NOT ENOUGH ERIC OH NO WAAAAH, but honestly, we need a break. We’re going to get oversaturated with Eric, and after last week, I am GLAD we only saw a few moments of him. He needs to go and mourn or whatever. In his place, we got TONS of Bill, and the Bill I know and love. Sookie was fab, and Jason…OMG JASON.
Honestly, what made AB and the producers decide to do this overblown Maryann bullshit? The storyline in the book would have been sufficient, but instead, we see less and less of Sookie and more and more of the lame wads that I don’t care about. PLUS WE WOULD HAVE SEEN THE SPANDEX PANTS ON ERIC. Anyway, the only good news is that once this season is over, NO MOAR MARYANN.
I warn you, if there is any tomfoolery in the comments about OMG I HATE BILL, I am not going to be nice about it this week. Things got sort of nasty for me last week because of these recaps, and I’d really like to not have a repeat of that. So, if you can’t have intelligent discussion and just want to go OMG BILL SUCKS, please don’t leave a comment. THIS JOURNAL IS SHIP WAR FREE. THIS IS A NEUTRAL ZONE! Otherwise, BRING IT ON!
And Vampire Bill says...
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No recap this week? I'm jonesing over here.
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