Previously on True Blood…
Eric and Godric have a big man-love reunion, Eric asks Sookie to trust him, Douche Wife shoots Jason in the man parts with a paintball gun, Jason PWNS Douche Wife, Lafayette tells Tara Eggs sucks, Eggs tells Tara that Eggs sucks, Maryann feeds them Daphne’s heart and they have a fight club, Daphne is found in Sam’s freezer and Sam is put in jail, Sookie runs in to save Sookie, but Jason actually saves her, then Sookie saves Eric, then Godric saves the FotS, and EVERYBODY IS SAVED. Bill tells Eric that Sookie will never be his, and we all laugh for days, then Lorena shows up and tries to claim Bill, but Sookie screams at her, and Godric saves Sookie from Lorena when she gets fangy, and Bill eschews her with a firm hand just as the Lukeanator shows up at Godric’s Party Palace. HATE CRIME GO KABOOM!
OH NOES! It is chaos and dust and destroyed Ikea furniture, and there are guts and people screaming, and I really do think this is better than just having them shoot up the place like they do in the book. Anyway, Bill is frantically searching for Sookie, and when he finds her, everybody goes LMAO because Eric is like SPRAWLED out on top of her in the best Jesus pose we’ve ever seen, and he’s all UGH and Sookie is all SQUASH. Bill goes to hold Sookie’s hand, and Eric is like I SAVED HER, and his fangs look SO pretty. Then he picks up his head a little and tells Bill to get the humans, and Bill growls and looks back, and there’s some little guy with a crossbow peeking in the window all IM IN UR BUSHES, STAKIN UR HEARTZ.
The little guy goes EEP and runs away, and we see there’s another guy who jumps in a car, and the little guy jumps in the back, but it is too late. Bill grabs him and drags him out of the car and throws him on ground all PWN. The guy goes O.O and says that they really didn’t think the Lukeanator would do it, and Bill is like WELL HE DID, YO, and then he bites the guy’s neck VICIOUSLY, and suddenly, I want to have Bill’s vampire babies.
Credits. HEE!
After the credits, we see Godric and Isabel appear, and they seem to be okay, so Isabel goes around checking on people and pulling wood out of legs, and Godric is looking around like ZOMG NO, MY PARTY PALACE…or, you know, SAD BLOWED UP VAMPS. Whatever. Then we go back to where Eric is still sprawled on top of Sookie, and Sookie finally goes OMG GET OFF, and she practically tells him he’s fat as she struggles to push him off of her. She sits up and starts screaming for Jason--Jason who was RIGHT BESIDE LUKE--and after yelling for him for a bit, Jason finally peeks out from under some rubble, and though he’s covered in Lukeanator pieces, he’s okay. I suppose we’re meant to believe he dived behind the fireplace wall, and that is what shielded him from the blast. WHATEVER.
Anyway, Sookie turns back, and Eric is groaning and moaning, and Sookie’s like UH OHS. And then we get either the WORST acting I have ever seen OR the most hilarious moment of Eric since the show begins--I can’t decide which, but I’m going to lean to the side of HILARIOUS because Eric goes “Had to…shield you…” all breathy and dramatic-like, and Sookie is like WTF? HEAL NOW PLZKTHNX. Eric says no can do because of the silver, and Sookie starts to go get Godric, but Eric grabs her arm and says, “No…time…Sookie…help…” And Sookie goes UH, NO because “it’s too gross…and it’s you.” AHAHAHA, I love you, Sookie. I LOVE YOU. Then hilarious Eric is all “Dying…dying…” and he actually goes “UGGGHHHH” as he lets his hand drop like he’s dead. Sookie goes [>.<] and says “SON OF A MOTHER…” And then she leaps into action.
She bends down and starts sucking on a hole in Eric’s neck, making the grossest slurping sounds EVER, and you know…this isn’t quite as sexy as I imagined it. Anyway, she sucks for a while and then finally spits out a piece of silver, and says WOOT! WIN! But Eric says ACTUALLY, NO. And his pectoral muscle looks like of flat and weird, so I’m assuming he means there’s one there, and Sookie goes OMG WTF, but she pulls down his RUINED tank top and then BLOOD COMES OUT OF HIS NIPPLE LIKE A FOUNTAIN. *headdesk* Anyway, she starts a-sucking, and Eric picks up his head and then GRINS like a LUNATIC all AHAHAHA I WIN. You go, bb! That is the Eric I know and love!
Back outside on Poor Stupid Kids Street, Bill has finished biting the poor stupid kid, and the kid starts freaking out, and Bill says for him to tell the Newlins who were bitches that sent kids to do their dirty work that a vampire showed mercy
Inside, Jason is stomping out some little flames that are still burning, and he looks completely devastated, as though he’s finally realized what he had been a part of, and then he spots something and goes “LUKE,” and yes, it’s just a few of the Lukeanator’s fingers, his Ring of Honesty still on. I thought for a minute that Jason was going to hold them or try to do a secret handshake. THIS IS HOW MY MIND WORKS. Anyway, Isabel is walking by in her fierce boots, and Godric asks her who’s dead. Isabel tells him that Stan and some other vampires we don’t care about plus some humans. Stan? Cowboy Stan? ;_; I’d be more sad if he had been Book!Stan,
This is when Bill comes wandering back in to find Sookie, and he finds Sookie all right. He finds Sookie sucking blood out of Eric’s Viking Nipple, and Eric has his head propped like he’s relaxing on the beach! CLASSIC. In the middle of guts and chaos, Eric is just chillin’ like a villain with a human girl drinking his blood. Such win. Bill goes WTF? Sookie sits up and says I SAVED HIM YAY, and Eric sort of purrs, “She was superrrrbbbb.” Then the look that Bill gets on his face is so terribly awful. It makes my heart hurt for him. He sort of averts his gaze, and he looks like somebody just killed his puppy, and he says that Eric was in no danger. Eric slants a gaze at Sookie that says I IZ PIMP, and Sookie goes WTF?
Eric admits he lied, but it was only a “tiny falsehood,” and Bill looks DISGUSTED as he tells Sookie that he was already healing and that the bullets would have pushed themselves out.
So, Isabel tells everybody to listen, and when nobody does, Jason walks up beside her and is like YA’LL SHUT IT! Godric tells everyone to go to the Hotel Carmilla just in case the FotS comes back, and everybody starts filing out. Sookie is wiping her mouth off all OMG GROSS, and Bill gives Eric laser beam eyes, and Eric sort of looks at him like WHUT? I’M EVIL as Bill and Sookie leave. Eric stops to look at Godric, and Godric takes one last look at his ruined party palace, crying a metaphorical tear for his obliterated Ikea throne, and he leaves, too.
Back at Hotel Dumb Bitch, Sookie is coming out of the bathroom, and she’s going on about ZOMG HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH A DUMB BITCH? Bill says that Eric did take
Sookie says she spit most of the blood out, but some of it had to go down, and Bill tells her that it only takes a few drops. Sookie says that the worst thing is that Eric will be able to tell where she is and what she’s feeling, but Bill goes O.O and says, YEAH NO. Bill tells her not to be surprised if she starts being attracted to him, you know, sexually or something. Sookie is like WTF? HE IS GROSS, but Bill says it’s going to happen, so just prepare yourself for SEXY SEXY DREAMS. Bill says it would have happened sooner or later because Eric was determined to have the bond with her, and Sookie just goes OMG! It’s very, very cute because Sookie says, “I could kill him.” Bill actually goes -_- and he says “I concur.” HEE!
Back at the Old Compton Place, Hoessica is in full-effect, and Hoyt is trying to comfort Jessica about being a perma-virg, and Jessica is saying that maybe there’s an operation she can get done because OMG VIRGIN FOREVER. Jessica gets all dramatic and tells Hoyt that he should break up with her, and Hoyt it like OMG SHUT IT NO. In fact, he wants her to meet his mom, and I’m SO SURE that’s going to go well. (Personally, I think it will end with Maxine staking the hell out of Jessica, but that’s just me. :D) Whatever, this can be paraphrased as JESSICA AND HOYT REMAIN CUTE BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hoyt sings to her as she gets into the hole in the floor, and YAWN.
Over at Casa de Fight Club, Eggs and Tara and up and feeling the effects of their insane cannibalism. They’ve very bruised up, and Maryann comes in and says WHOA and she’s right because WHOA. Maryann blames it on some acid and calls them hippies, and Tara and Eggs are like STFU. Maryann goes on about how being in control is just some box society puts us in, and WE NEED TO BE OUT OF CONTROL OMG. Tara says she doesn’t want to be blacking out, and Maryann says some crap about it being a higher state of consciousness, and Tara is like WTF NO because her mom blacked out for years and NOT FUN.
Maryann starts talking about Indian villages and shamans and their madness, and how everyone thought they were crazy, and Tara is like YEAH BECAUSE THEY WERE. Then Maryann almost starts CRYING telling her how NOT CRAZY they were because they were trying to get closer to their god. WHUT? Tara and Eggs go WHUT at each other, and Maryann gets all shitty and tells them that a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss, then she cheerfully says BLOODY MARY, ANYONE? Can I say again how much I HATE THIS BITCH? Don’t try to make her deep and shit. YOUR TEARS DO NOTHING BUT ENRAGE ME,
Over at Mayberry R.F.D., Sam is sitting in his cell watching a fly, and Bud is OVERWHELMED by the amount of crazies he has locked up. Said crazies are getting crazier by the minute, and they’re all screaming from inside the cells that are way too full. Jane Bodehouse actually says, “All I did was lose my pants! There’s no law against that!” AHAHA. What I’m wondering is if half the town is locked up, who is running the Grabbit Kwik? Bud is like STFU to all of them, and Sam finally joins in and says that he has no evidence to keep him locked up, then he beats up his jail bed in frustration.
Back at Hotel Cuckold, Bill is sleeping but Sookie gets up, and she’s goes and knocks on Jason’s door. Jason peeks out all cute and lets her in because neither of them can sleep. They have a big heart to heart on the bed about all kinds of things. This scene to me is AMAZING, but nothing escapes my snark, so here we go! They talk about how Jason was always the star of the family, and how Sookie was the weirdo. Jason says they liked him for his athletics, his good looks, and his SEX ABILITIES. AHAHA, Jason, I love you. He says that the Newlins acted like they cared about him for him, and it was a lie, but they kept his head from being too full of stuff that he won’t talk about. Sookie does says WTF about the Soldiers of the Sun, and she asks him what Gran would think, but Jason freaks out and won’t talk about Gran OMG WON’T.
Sookie says that they can’t forget her or stop loving her because it hurts, and Jason starts to cry a little, and it BREAKS MY COLD, DEAD HEART. At this point, Jason realizes that he and Sookie really are alone in the world, that they are all that is left of their family, so Sookie says they have to grow up and stick together. Jason apologize to Sookie for everything he’s ever done because he’s a dumb ass and a fuck-up. Sookie agrees and tells him HI USE YOUR BRAIN and you wouldn’t be. Jason is all sniffly, and Sookie tells him that she always loves him even when she wants to “stick his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard.” AHAHA, that is the Sookie we know and love. Jason wishes that Sookie was normal and had a normal boyfriend, but Sookie is like WTF, I didn’t have a choice. Then they decide to lay down and watch TV, which is what everyone does after a big, emotional heart-to-heart.
Guess who is on TV? The Newlins! YAY! Reverend Douche has a big red mark on his forehead where Jason shot him, and they are telling everyone that Godric VOLUNTEERED to be held prisoner. Nan Flanagan is there, too, being her usual great self, and she tells the Newlins that they used their church to form a terrorist group, and Reverend Douche is like NUH UH. Nan rips them a new one, and Douche Wife steps in and says they’re fighting for the earth and sunlight and Christmas and Easter eggs, and this is when I go AHAHAHA WTF? This is also when Reverend Douche cuts Douche Wife off, and Douche Wife has obviously had ENOUGH. She starts saying how the Reverend Douche can’t handle not being the center of attention, and “I hate your hair.” AHAHA DOUCHE WIFE. I love you, A LOT. Anyway, Jason calls them a “witch and a sumbitch,” and that’s pretty much dead on.
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, there is this bitch in there who wants to see where Daphne’s dead body was, and she even has a camera, and Arlene is like WTF SICKO and kicks them out. Arlene is freaking out because at this point in time, she’s the only waitress working there, and she’s overwhelmed. She goes to talk to Lafayette and tells him how scared she is, and she thinks that there’s a curse, and Lafayette gives her a shot and tells her that he’ll look out for her if she looks out for him. Terry yells ORDER UP and Arlene goes to get it. She goes to the little window, and Terry won’t look at her, and he’s being very weird, and this is when Arlene starts crying and freaking out because she thinks he‘s still weirded out about them doing it. Terry tells her not to cry, and that he doesn’t mean to be “peculiar…at her” and he also mentions that HI he can’t remember what they did, so it’s not terrible! YAY! Hmmm. Arlene goes OMG YAY because he doesn’t remember either, and I guess this means they made up.
Tara and Eggs come walking in, and when Lafayette takes one look at them….oh, man. Tara says OMG IT WASN’T EGGS. But, HI, it was, and Lafayette is like OMFG HOOKUH WTF? Tara says she doesn’t know what happened, and Lafayette does not accept this. He says WTF to Eggs, and then it gets nasty. Eggs says that he doesn’t hurt women, and Lafayette tells him he’ll show him what it’s like to get his ass beat. And then the moment comes that makes me hate Eggs forever, and there is no coming back from me hating you for this.
Eggs’ response is “You might want to take those eyelashes out yo eyes!” This is a disgusting homophobic insult, and Eggs is DEAD TO ME. In fact, I hope Eggs GETS DEAD. FUCK YOU, EGGS. Anyway, Lafayette starts to get rowdy, telling Tara that Eggs is poison and that he’s never going to change, and Tara gets in between them, which is the wrong thing to do because when they start fighting, Eggs totally hits Tara right in the face to get to Lafayette. Oops, I GUESS YOU DO HURT WOMEN, FUCKER. Everybody in the place is watching and is like WOOOO GET IT, and finally Tara pushes Eggs out the door and leaves with him. All the customers are like WOO HOO LAFAYETTE, but Lafayette is like OMFG SHUT IT REDNECKS. Randomly, I think Lafayette would win a fight between the two of them.
Over at Maxine's House of Toaster Oven Lovin’, Maxine is ripping Hoyt a new one for running off to Dallas as she’s making him a hilarious sandwich, and Hoyt is looking at her like he’s going to stab her at any minute. The nub and gist of this scene is that Maxine thinks Hoyt is a different person since he met Jessica, and Maxine wants her SWEET BAYBEE OMG back. Also, Maxine hates Methodists, Catholic priests and nuns, African Americans (“Hush! That‘s a secret!”), people who don’t take care of their gardens, people who park their trucks up on their lawns, ladies who wear red shoes (“It looks cheap!”), families with lots of kids, checkered curtains, cats, dogs, bait(?), and every girl Hoyt has ever liked. AHAHAH, oh, Maxine. She then says that she “simply objects to a girlfriend who will kill you and eat you,” and I suppose she has a valid point there. Hoyt has had enough of this shit, and he tells Hoyt that he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, and if she’s not nice, he will leave OMG! FOREVER OMG! He finally screams that he’s NOT A BABY OMG! HE’S A GROWN ASS MAN! And then he contradicts that by taking half of the sandwich that she made him and leaving. AHAHA. Oh, Show. I love you.
Back at Hotel SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE Dreams, Sookie is back in bed with Bill, but when she rolls over, the screen goes all gauzy, and OMFG THANKS BE. She’s in bed with ERIC…NAKED NAKED VIKING ERIC. She rolls back over to look at him, and he tells her to finish telling him why she thinks she won’t be a good vampire. Sookie
NAKED NAKED VIKING. Stay on track here. They have their hands all twined together, and Eric randomly kisses Sookie’s hand, and to me that, is HAWT, more HAWT than nakedness. It’s just such a personal, intimate gesture, and OMFG I WILL DIE WHEN THIS IS REALITY. Eric’s voice sounds nothing like his normal voice, and he’s talking all sweet and sugary, and it’s wonderful, but it’s NOT ERIC, guys. NOT HIM. This is some weird dream version of him. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is Eric in his private time when he doesn’t have to be big and bad and awesome. I’m not sure. Anyway, he tells Sookie she has the right temperament to be a vampire because she’s blood-thirsty and ruthless when it comes to those she loves. “Everybody thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” he says, and Sookie answers cutely, “I am a darling.” Eric says she’d do anything for the people she loves like her brother, her friends…”…and me.” But then some disembodied voice that sounds VERY familiar says, “Bill?”
Sookie sits up and is like AHAH BILL? WHERE’S BILL? And that voice belongs to LORENA. GAH! How could they ruin a sexy dream with LORENA? Anyway, Lorena says that Sookie has already abandoned Bill, and Eric is all molesting her neck and such, but when Sookie says NUH HUH I LOVE BILL, Eric gets all grabby and pulls her down hard and tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor. (WHUT? Have you seen her clothes!?!) Sookie says she used to think that Eric was made of cold, hard stone and empty inside. But then she says she knows he’s A BIG FAKER and that he’s wonderful and there‘s love in him, and he says ONLY FOR SOOKIE OMG and then they dissolve into intense kissing. Lorena is like OMG WHORE, and Sookie tries to say that she loves Bill, but Eric is like NOM NOM NOM, and pushes her down all rough, says “This is the beginning.“ PHWOAR. But I have to say…the kissing is a bit awkward and weird. Very tonguey and slobbery, and Eric is VERY INTENSE when he kisses. And Sookie’s boob keeps poking out like I AM HERE. YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME.
Then Sookie wakes up, and we all scream. Sookie, for her cheating dream having part, snuggles up to Bill. AHAHAHA, Sook. You poor thing.
Back at Mayberry R.F.D., there are MORE town crazies waiting to go into cells, but Maryann walks in and they are all like YAY SHE WILL SAVE US! Maryann is like PFFT and just says that they had a good time because she’s on a mission to find Bud. She does, and Bud is pushing another girl in the cell when he hears Maryann calling for him. Sam hears her too, and he goes O.O and starts looking for a way out. The natives next door are going crazy, and that’s when Sam sees a fly buzzing around and gets a bright idea.
Bud tells Maryann that everybody has gone crazy, but nobody can remember what they did! It’s very strange! HOLY CRIME WAVE Maryann says, and she wants to help Sam get out of jail. Bud is like NOPE, but I’ll take you to see him. Bud is like ZOMG I AM SO TIRED. So, of course, as normal people do, Maryann jumps up to give him a backrub. WHAT? But then the backrub turns into the hippy hippy shake, and Bud has the Black Eyes! NO! Everybody in the cells starts going crazy when Maryann walks in, and she’s like WHERE IS SAM, BITCHES? But Sam is not here! We just see his clothes, and Maryann is like OMG I KEEL. Then she lets all the prisoners out! Oh, Bon Temps, you are in TRUBS.
Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is having the Dinner of Awkward with Hoyt and Jessica, and Jessica is trying very, very hard to get along with her, but Maxine is being HORRIBLE. Jessica also makes the terrible mistake of mentioning red shoes, and then it is all downhill from there. Maxine says she would like to meet Jessica’s family, and Jessica is like ZOMG I AM AN ORPHAN, and she and Hoyt get all schmoopy, and Maxine is :X like me. She does say that she’s sorry how Jessica became a vampire, but she throws in that Hoyt is a good boy with a bright future, and by bright, she means IN THE SUN, BITCH. She keeps on going about how she won’t let her son wander around all night in the dark for some orphan vampire, and then Jessica has had enough. She pops a fang, and IT IS ON! Jessica says it’s for HOYT TO DECIDE OMG, and Maxine says OMG LIFE RUINER. Jessica yells that she can give him everything a human girl can, and before Maxine even says it, I know what is coming. “HARDLY!” “LIKE WHAT?” “LIKE BABIES!”
Maxine FTW. Jessica is DEVASTATED because I guess she didn’t think of that, and neither did Hoyt obviously, but Hoyt might just look more upset because Jessica is upset. Jessica decides to flee the scene, and Hoyt is like OMG MOM, and he says he’s NEVER coming home. Maxine decides it’s time for a beer. For a LOT of beers.
Back at Casa de ThisAin’tGonnaBeGoodhouse, Tara, Eggs, and Maryann are playing poker, and of course, they’re drinking, and OH LOOK, there’s a very inconspicuous fly on the table! In walk Lafayette and Lettie Mae, and Tara immediately goes on the offensive and calls them aliens? What? Anyway, Maryann is like HEY BABY BABY to Lafayette, but Lafayette is not there to play around. They are there to get Tara, but Maryann won’t go down so easily. She starts trying to tempt Lettie Mae into drinking, but Lettie Mae stands firm, and for once, I really like her. Lafayette is like WTF TARA, and Tara just keeps drinking. Maryann keeps on with the talk trying to get Lettie Mae to fall of the wagon, but Lafayette steps in. Lafayette is like o.O and says he is “feelin’ her” and that she’s a soulless bitch! WOOT! He also throws in that Eggs is crap, and it is time to GO, but Tara…oh, Tara has the Black Eyes! OH NOES!
She gets up and advances on Lettie Mae, and it’s about to get REAL IN HERRE, SUCKA. Lafayette and Lettie Mae both go WTF at her eyes, but there’s no time to figure it out because Tara starts beating up Lettie Mae, and Eggs joins in and starts beating up Lafayette. IT IS A BRAWL, YO! By the end, however, just as I suspected, Lafayette has PWNED Eggs, and he grabs Tara and runs out the door with her. Tara is screaming EGGGGGGSSS MARRRYYYANNNNNN, but nothing doing. Lafayette throws her in the car, and he and Lettie Mae drive away with her, leaving Maryann and Eggs looking like too saddos on a porch. Oh, and the Sam-Fly is there being a creeper and listening in.
Over in Hotel HBIC, Nan Flanagan has shown up, and she is PISSED. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m sensing she’s pretty old, and she is NOT HAPPY about what has happened in Dallas. Eric mentions that HI, Stan went to the FotS on his own, but as he’s talking, Sookie is looking at him all INTENSE, and he sort of looks back at her like WHOA CREEPER BACK OFF. Anyway, Nan says that it’s not her problem that they didn’t realize Stan was a psycho, it’s Godric problem. Eric gets all growly and tells her to STFU, and Nan says NO, YOU. And HE DOES. NAN FTW!
Nan finally gets it revealed that, HI, the FotS didn’t kidnap Godric. He admits he went there freely since he thought they would eventually get a vampire, and Eric goes O.O at this news. Nan goes WTF and Godric says WHY NOT? Nan cannot believe that Godric wanted to Meet the Sun, but Godric is like BELIEVE IT, YO, and Nan says YOU CRAZY, BITCH. And another piece of Eric’s heart breaks off. Nan also brings up Hugo, but Godric says NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG as Isabel shifts uncomfortably in the background. Godric says he’ll take responsibility, and Nan says YEP. Eric does not like this and says YOU COLD BITCH. (HEE!)
Nan does not care what Eric thinks, and she tells them all that it’s been a national vampire disaster, and NOBODY at the top has any sympathy for them. She flat fires Godric, and Godric AGREES, and another piece of Eric‘s heart dies. He says Isabel should take over, and THAT is how they are going to make up for Stan getting dead. SNEAKY. Anyway, Isabel is like GODRIC NO, but Eric is ENRAGED, and he actually shouts, “What are you saying? Sh-sh-she’s a bureaucrat! You don’t have to take shit from her!” WHOA. Stuttering and cussing? JEEZ, ERIC. CHILL. Nan is like SHUT IT VIKING OR I SHALL PWN YOU, TOO. Eric says that she doesn’t have the power to take his area away, and she says that she is on TV, so YEAH, SHE DOES.
Isabel jumps in and says that it’s her fault for not keeping a better hold on Stan, but Godric tells her to SHUT IT. He agrees to remove himself from all positions of authority, and now Eric looks like he’s definitely going to go put on some black eyeliner and make collages in his journal after the meeting is over. Sookie gets all ansty, and Bill is like STOP IT, but Sookie will not be denied. She tells Nan that Godric rescued her from Cro-Mitch, and Nan is like SO? But Sookie will not shut up, and she goes on to say that Godric saved humans and vampires both, and that it could have been much worse. Sookie says that she should be THANKING Godric. Nan goes OMFG FOR WHAT? HE SCREWED UP.
Eric has had enough of this, and he launches himself out of his chair, but Isabel intercepts him, and Godric just calmly says, “Eric,” and the SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE is stopped dead in his tracks. OOOH, GURRRL. Everybody settles down, and Nan wants to know every detail of the bombing, so Godric launches into the tale and calls Luke a ‘boy’. HEEE! OLD!
Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is DRUNK, YO, and complaining about Hoyt, but there is bigger shit on the menu tonight, as Maryann walks in, accompanied by video music wind, and she’s like WHERE THE HELL IS SAM? THE GOD DEMANDS A SACRIFICE! Everybody gets the Black Eyes, and Arlene tells her he hasn’t been in all day, and Terry says he was planning on leaving town. Maryann is like FIND HIM!!! And she gets this crazy man voice, and OH NOES! Maxine gets the Black Eyes, too! EEPS!
Across town, we see the fly go up to a motel room door, and inside the room, Andy Bellefleur is drunk, again, and then there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and Sam is standing on the other side. Andy lets him in, and he doesn’t even ask why Sam is naked. I guess he’s decided to just go with it.
HBIC 4 LYFE Nan Flanagan is back in Room High Drama telling them what a fiasco the whole thing has been. Godric is looking at Nan, Eric is looking at Godric, Sookie is looking at Eric, and Bill is going WTF HOOR at Sookie. Nan tells Godric to come to her room to sign the papers, but Godric has some stuff to say first. OF COURSE HE DOES. He says he’s sorry for fucking everyone’s shit up, for all the dead people, and he will make amends. Sookie looks at Eric, and Eric looks like this O.O and some dramatic, mournful violins start up in the background. Nan is like WHATEVS and tells him it’s just a few signatures, but it’s obviously not. She leaves, and Eric jumps up and gets Godric’s face and says NO, and they are so close that I think their foreheads touched.
No? No what? Godric says “Look in my heart.” Eric is like LISTEN TO ME, and Godric says STFU. He says he’s going to the roof, and Eric is like TRAUMA FACE. Godric leaves, and Bill stands up, looking at Eric, and says “We have a score to settle.” And SHOO BOY does he look scary. Eric is all TRAUMA FACE NOT NOW, and Bill says UM, YEAH NOW, and he hauls off and punches the holy hell out of Eric, hard enough to make him spit blood. And Eric goes TRAUMA FACE some more, and Bill says GET IT, FUCKER? Eric just sort of goes PFFT, WHATEVS. He says it’s done, and that he’s part of her now (PHWOAR), so Bill needs to get over it and get out of his way. Bill does, of course, and Sookie just sort of stands there awkwardly IN A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE A PICNIC BLANKET.
I have to tell you. I’m totally in love with Bill at this point. I LOVE that he didn’t just sit there and take it like a wuss. He “spoke” his feelings to Eric, with no regard for Eric’s personal trauma at that moment, just the same way that Eric has NEVER had any regard for Bill’s feelings. Bill has been a bit of a victim. Eric has SHAMELESSLY abused his power and position to get what he wants, never mind that it constantly breaks Bill’s heart. YOU GO, BILL. YOU GO.
Anyway, Sookie says she’s going to go find Godric, and Bill is like OMG WHY. He’s not her concern, but she says that if it wasn’t for him, she’d be dead, and she has to do SOMEthing because Godric is in pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH, Sookie is so kind and sweet. We get it. Bill finally relents, and though he wants to go, Sookie says that he can’t because the sun is coming up. Sookie says that she’s safe, not to worry, and Bill comments on how tender-hearted Sookie is. And she is, guys. That’s one of the things that makes her great. Bill asks her what she can do for him, and Sookie says she doesn’t know, but that she just has to be there. Bill understands, kisses her, and sends her on her way.
On the roof of Hotel Self-Immolation, Sookie runs up the steps just in time to interrupt a male-bonding session. She really just should have waited for them to hug it out.
I’m going to stop right here and say that if I attempt to make the last scene of the episode funny in any way, I think people are going to track me down and immolate me. So, I’m not going to. I’m going to take the high road and just let everyone wallow in their grief and misery, and…
AHAHAHAH, RIGHT. NOT A CHANCE.
Anyway, Sookie runs up the steps just as Godric is telling Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric is like OMG I DON’T ACCEPT IT in this really awful cry-voice. He says it’s insanity, and Godric is like DUDE WE ARE VAMPIRES. WE ARE INSANITY. But really, Eric is right. How does killing yourself make amends for some fucktard coming in and blowing up your house? Does this make sense? NO. Which is a big fat plot hole. HELLO, in the books, Godfrey WANTED to kill himself, so after the big ruckus, he did. This LAME attempt at saying that Godric killing himself is a way to make amends for the chaos and dead people is RIDICULOUS. He’s SACRIFICING HIMSELF for the SINS OF OTHERS.
REALLY, ALAN BALL? REALLY? SHALL WE BUILD HIM A CROSS TO LEAN AGAINST WHILE HE DOES THIS? IS THIS THE HOTEL CALVARY? REALLY?
UGH.
Anyway, Eric is FREAKING OUT, screaming at Godric and then telling him that he will keep him alive BY FORCE. Godric sort of goes YEAH RIGHT, but then he says something that really sort of got me. He says, “Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?” And apparently, it gets Eric too because he starts with the lip trembling and the CRYING and he goes back to Swedish and is all PLEASE NO PLEASE. Godric tells him they’ve had centuries of faith and love between them, and Eric loses his shit big time. He starts crying and whining and blubbering, and I am sitting here going ARE YOU SERIOUS? He falls to his knees and is SOBBING HYSTERICALLY, and we see a shot of Sookie, and she just shakes her head. I AM WITH YOU, SOOKIE. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?
Eric keeps on flipping out, and then…THEN…even my cold, dead heart melts a little because Godric says something that he said to Eric when he made him a vampire. The ETERNALLY AWESOME BELOVED BY FANDOM PHRASE:
“Father, brother, son.
INSTANT DEATH.
Back now, and Eric STILL sobs, but then Godric says “Let me go,” and then the stupid red tears start streaking down Eric’s face, and he STOPS blubbering for a moment to say, “I won’t you let you die alone.” I actually went WHAT at my TV, but Godric saved me, and he says, “Yes, you will.” Which starts ANOTHER crying jag from Eric, and honestly, people, how are we supposed to accept this? One tear, I will buy that. BUT THIS? NEVER. NEV-ER. Eric is a BITCH ASS. YOU HEAR ME? A BITCH ASS.
Godric has apparently had enough of this, too, and he puts his hand on the back of Eric’s neck, and that is obviously enough to calm him because Eric stops crying long enough to look up at him, and Godric delivers the ultimate vampire smack down: AS YOUR MAKER, I COMMAND YOU.
So, now Eric has no choice, and he stands up, and the sun is coming up a little, so he looks terribly pretty, and he starts to walk away, casting a look back at Godric. Sookie grabs Eric’s hand and tells him that she’ll stay with Godric, and Eric slinks away
Godric eventually asks Sookie to care for Eric, and Sookie is like WHUT? HAVE YOU MET HIM? Godric sort of laughs and says that the way Eric is happens to be his fault, but Sookie says NO, HE’S JUST HIM. She asks him if he’s afraid, and he Godric starts to smoke and says, “I’m full of joy.” GUH. KILLER. MAN. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I mean, it’s HORRIBLE and SAD, but he’s smoking the whole time. This is unintentionally funny for a moment, and then Godric says that a human being with him at the end and crying is surprising. Sookie just cries her guts out, like A LOT. I’m talking tears flopping off her face all over the place.
The sun comes up, and he sort of motions for her to get away, and he takes off his shirt to reveal his awesome sexiness…just in time to strike a half-Jesus pose, and yes, burn up. But instead of the burning up we saw in season 1 when Bill did it--which was like flaking and ashes and such--Godric gets a little spark AND THEN HE IS COVERED WITH BLUE FLAMES.
BLUE. FLAMES.
WORST CGI FAIL IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.
Don’t try to tell me they’re blue because it’s so hot. THAT IS NOT WHY THEY ARE BLUE. And Godric is all flamey around his face, and he sort of goes SIGH and then POOF, he is gone.
Credits.
WHUT?
Post Episode Reaction:
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment