Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Frenzy" aka Even in Drag, Eric is Hot

True Blood Season 2 “Frenzy”

Previously on True Blood…

Bon Temps is now Bone Temps, and that town is messed up LIK WO. Maryann made a meat tree, and Maxine turned into a Wii-playing maniac. Jason decides IT IS WAR, and the town is after Sam, who hides in a freezer with Andy. (Oh, yeah, and Sookie has a cousin named Hadley who disappeared from rehab. Or something.) Maryann PWNS Sookie, then Bill TRIES to PWN Maryann but gets PWNED for his trouble, but in the end Sookie PWNS Maryann with her magical Glowy Palm of Glowiness. Jason is HBIC and saves the day, and he, Sam, and Andy pretend to be the God Who Comes and fool the crazies when Sam shifts and disappears. Sookie and Bill team up to save Tara from the Black Eyes, and Bill realizes he needs help if they’re going to be Maryann. Jessica NOM NOMs Maxine, and Bill goes to see the Queen, but he walks in on OH NOES! A BLOODY FOOT!


So, we pick where we left off last week with Bill’s O.O face, and instead of the screams you might expect to hear when there is an OMG BLOODY FOOT, we hear OH OH OH of the sexy variety, and we see a redhead bent over the nether regions of a woman laying on a couch thing. WHUT? Bill looks vaguely uncomfortable as he says, “Is this a bad time?” Then we get the slow pan up the bloody leg, and Queen Sophie-Anne looks up and has a very disgusting bloody mouth, and her fangs looks TERRIBLE as she says THERE IS NO BAD AND THERE IS NO TIME. WANT SOME? Bill looks like he would rather chew glass, and woman on the couch goes OH one last time.

Credits. Whoa. Shortest intro ever. And I’m serious, Sophie-Anne’s fangs look like junk.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is still snacking on Maxine, and Maxine is like OOH YEAH BABY. Hoyt pulls Jessica away from her goes WTF CRAZY BITCH? Jessica says that Maxine was saying horrible things, so IT’S TOTALLY OKAY that she tried to eat her, and Hoyt looks at her like she IS crazy and says SHE IS MY MOM. SHE IS ALLOWED. WTF BORN IN A BARN WERE YOU? Which is SO true, isn’t it? Well, not the born in a barn part. Anyway, Jessica realizes at that moment that she has messed up BIG TIME, and she starts to quietly apologize. Hoyt goes to check on Maxine, and Maxine is like THAT WAS AWESOME. Jessica is still trying to make sure her boyfriend is still her boyfriend, but Hoyt points the FINGER OF DOOM at her and says OMG VAMPIRE BILL WAS RIGHT.

Maxine meanwhile is fluffing her hair and saying that she actually ENJOYED being savaged by a vampire, and Hoyt goes OMG THANKS JESS. MY MOM IS A WHORE NOW. He ushers Maxine out the front door, and what does Jessica do? Does she follow them and try to talk to Hoyt about what just happened? Does she apologize to Maxine? Does she at least try to clean the blood off of her chin? Nope, she doesn’t. She acts like what she is--a 17 year old girl--and she slams the door and SCREAMS and cries and goes AWRRGHH. Awesome, Jessica. I can see why everybody loves you.

Back at the Palace of the Eternally Tacky, Bill is sitting on the Couch of Awkward, looking exceedingly uncomfortable but still banging hot in his leather jacket. The bitey leg woman is laying on her Couch of Sexy watching Bill, and in between them is this hilariously small little pool. It looks like daytime in the room itself, and are those SANDCASTLES and SEA SHELLS I see in the background? *headdesk* Bill stands up respectfully as the Queen rejoins the party, and right away, I can see that she’s got a spot of blood on her breasty business, and it’s going to drive me crazy. The Queen says NO SEXY GIRL LEG BLOOD FOR YOU? GAY MUCH?

Then she calls Bill a snob and says how much she hates snobs and their small man-parts(?) and then she notices that stray spot of blood on her breasty business and she wipes it off and sticks her finger in her mouth like YUM. Only now the spot is smeared, and THIS SCENE IS RUINED FOR ME because I will not be able to pay attention to ANYTHING except that smear of blood on the Queen’s supposed upper girl parts. I say supposed because AHAHA she so obviously has the chicken cutlets in, and if you are reading this, and you are a less-endowed girl, don’t get angry. We girls with huge upper girl parts secretly envy you.

ANYWAY. The Queen looks down at sexy girl on the couch and goes GTFO. Sexy girl leaves, and the Queen asks if Bill has eaten anything. Bill says no, and Sophie-Anne tells him she got a new Latvian boy on her court that Bill simply MUST try. Then he goes on about how he’s not polluted like other humans, and how the boy tastes like people did right after she was turned, until the Industrial Revolution “fucked everything to hell.” (Wait WHUT? Are they trying to say she’s less than 300 years old? HI NO. Or am I misunderstanding? The Queen is a little older than Eric in the books, but this is the SHOW after all and the SHOW doesn’t care about source material.) It is with that sentence that my hatred for Sophie-Anne is sealed. I don’t like the actress, and I don’t like this portrayal. I KNOW, I KNOW THESE AREN’T THE BOOKS. But Sophie-Anne in the books is amazing--she’s regal, she’s proper, she’s a freaking 1100 year old badass vampire queen who looks 15 years old and conducts herself with class. THIS WHORE that we’re seeing…YEAH, NO. So yes, Alan Ball, you have annoyed me. BIG TIME.

ANYWAY, Bill politely declines the Queen’s offer of Latvian boys, and Bill looks as though he just wants to run screaming from the room, and he asks her HI, how do I kill a maenad? The Queen goes UM, SCUSE? Bill says YEAH, and he tells her that Bon Temps is now zombie town, and Sophie-Anne says that means Maryann is old. Then she mentions that all the maenads are old, and Bill brings up his learnin’ from the BIG BOOK OF PLOT POINT, and the Queen says HI BEFORE THAT. Then she says ORGIES? SACRIFICE? CANNIBALS? Bill says YEAAHHH…and Sophie-Anne goes FUN! Then she proceeds to read some old Vogue magazine. Bill goes UH, HELLO? How do I kill it?

The Queen gives him the bad news that he can’t kill it. Apparently, since Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, that means she’s is. WHAT? It’s as easy as that? HEY GUYS I’M IMMORTAL AND TOTALLY RICH AND SKINNY. Guess what? That means I am! Bill is just as confused as we are, and Sophie-Anne goes REALLY, WILLIAM? Then she proceeds to give us a history lesson as she puts on even MORE make-up than she already has on which is LIKE, A LOT. She tells Bill to imagine he’s a wild young girl (BWUAHA) who is married to a douche that is also doing a 14 year old boy. I guess this is how maenads came to be. They were all sad housewives who dreamed of having sex in the mud, and then they were immortal. WHUT? Okay, it’s more than that. Sophie-Anne says that some religion came along that told them to get drunk and sleep with everybody, and Bill says SOUNDS GOOD. The part about this scene that I don’t like is the elitist dismissal of a religion, but I’ll skip that soap box for now.

Anyway, the Queen says that the maenads took the next logical steps--killing stuff--because it brought them closer to the divine. Bill goes THAT BE CRAZY, YO, and Sophie-Anne gives us at least one good quote--”Never underestimate the power of blind faith.” TRUFAX. Bill mentions that when he bit Maryann he got poisoned, and the Queen says DUH because vampires can only drink human blood, and Maryann is nothing even remotely human. Bill brings up that she started out human, and Sophie-Anne counters with the fact that so did vampires. Bill looks all broody over this point, and Sophie-Anne checks her watch, lamenting that dawn is only two hours away. Then she casually says, “Shall we have sex?” Bill cuts his eyes over to her like this -_- and Sophie-Anne goes OMG KIDDING. I’M TOTES GAY FOR THE MOMENT.

Bill then gets up and starts to leave, but Sophie-Anne is like OH, PLEASE STAY. Bill complains, but she says OMG SOOKIE IS FINE, and Bill STILL protests, but then she goes OMG I INSIST and she gives him crazy bitch eyes, and so he wisely sits back down. RUH-ROH. Then she looks around and says that Bill hasn’t told her if he likes her new day room. Bill sort of looks around and goes “It’s lovely” in a voice that says he agrees with me in the notion that it is THE MOST HIDEOUS ROOM EVER. I can say that because I HAVE A LIGHTHOUSE BATHROOM, so I KNOW HIDEOUS.

Back at Lafayette’s International House of Crazy, Tara is pacing around and whining about going to get Eggs, and it’s obvious that Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae have had ENOUGH. Sookie says that they’ll go once Bill gets back with his maybe kinda possible information about how to beat Maryann. Tara reminds Sookie that she has risked her life 8 billion times for Bill so how come she can’t? All the cool girls are doing it! Lettie Mae says it’s better if she doesn’t go, and then we hear wild screams from outside, and Lafayette says that Maryann is a-comin’ for Tara, and he runs into his bedroom and gets a big ass gun.

Tara continues to plead her case that’s she’s finally found a strong (murderer), beautiful (homophobic), good (MURDERER) man who loves her, and how do you think she’ll feel if something bad happens to him! Lafayette brings up the fact that Eggs beat Tara up, and yes, I do agree that it wasn’t entirely Eggs fault, but still. Lettie Mae goes WTF, and Tara tries to explain, but it’s no use. YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO DRUG ADDICTS WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY NEED MORE DRUGS. Sookie and Co. know this. Lafayette decides the only way is by force, and he tells Sookie to get the handcuffs out of his back pocket. Sookie pulls them out, and they have PURPLE FUR, and Sookie goes o.O. Lafayette handcuffs Tara to his coffee table, and that’s when Tara shows her true colors. In the span of 30 seconds, she calls Lafayette a fucking freak who will never find love, tells Lettie Mae she doesn’t want her to be happy because she never was, and tells Sookie she had to settle for a dead man.

WHOA. TARA. Sookie’s response is the appropriate one, and she says, “Wow, that’s supposed to get me on your side?” Tara, you are walking on thin ice with me. I warn you. The screaming starts up again outside, and Lafayette decides to go stand on guard duty in case Maryann shows up. Sookie asks him if he thinks she will, and Lafayette replies, “All I know is if it’s supernatural, and it wants you, it ain’t gon wait for you to come to it.” LIKE ERIC, YOU MEAN? LAFAYETTE, DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ERIC? Sookie’s like TRU DAT, and when Tara gives her the evil eye, she decides to go outside with Lafayette. Lettie Mae sits down on the couch and starts busting out crying, and I’m with Tara for a moment when Tara says OMFG REALLY?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Team Bromance are discussing Sam’s ability to shape shift, so I guess THAT’s different from the books. HI, remember the big reveal in Book 9? Whatever. Jason thinks that Sam being a shifter is awesome, but Andy is like HELLO? MAENAD TO KILL? (It’s hilarious to point out that Sam says he has to IMPRINT on an animal to shift into it, and I die a little inside. IMPRINT? Gag me.) Sam tells Andy that they can’t deal with Maryann. Jason asks about going and getting the police, and Andy says HI POLICE, and then realizing that Andy is the sucky police, he says that THEY have to be the police. He says he read a book about it. He says that this is “Armageddon” and it’s “the oral history of the zombie war.” WORLD WAR Z REFERENCE FTW. You have no idea how pleased I was when I heard that! Anyway, that means that they need guns. A LOT of guns.

Sam breaks in and says HI she is IMMORTAL, and the devil zombies are the townspeople, so they can’t start killing them, though really, a lot of them could get killed and I wouldn’t be sad. Jason gets all deep and says something like “sometimes you have to destroy something to save it” and according to him, that’s in the Bible or the Constitution. OH, JASON. I LOVE YOU. Just then, there is some whispering outside, and Sam turns to see two little heads peeking up into his window. They’re Arlene’s kids (I know because I have DVR and I paused it to see), and Sam goes chasing after them as they run into the woods. They finally come out when Sam calls them, and they ask him if their mom is there, and HI, will he make them some lunch because they’re starving. It’s a really sad moment because YEAH I never stopped to think about the fact that all the devil zombies have kids, and WHO IS WATCHING THOSE KIDS.

Jason and Andy come outside and tell Sam that they’re going to the sheriff’s department to get some guns, and Sam reminds them that they are idiots. Jason says WHATEVS, and Sam says YOU WILL GET YOURSELF KILLED. Jason does not care. Andy has a moment of hesitation, but Jason reminds Andy that he has been to A LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE, and so that makes him qualified to make decisions. Sam just says WHATEVER, IDIOT, and yes, it’s true. The short-lived Team Bromance is breaking up. Jason got Andy in the divorce, and Sam just goes WHATEVER some more and takes Arlene’s kids into the bar while Jason RUNS INTO A TREE, and then he and Andy get in the truck and drive away.

Back at Ruby Ridge, Lafayette is standing guard on the porch acting like a squirrel on meth, and Sookie is sitting at a little table going PLEASE SIT DOWN. She gets a text on her phone from Bill, but it came FIVE HOURS AGO OMG, and as she checks it, she mentions that she will be getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette goes O.O YOU ARE WORKING FOR MY BOYFRIEND ERIC? Sookie says yes and then notes that the text says Bill isn’t coming home, and Lafayette says, “Well, then I guess we better not plan on him saving us.” YES, THAT IS A GOOD BET. I love you, Bill, but you do have a tendency to get sidetracked and held hostage by crazy bitches.

Inside the house, we launch into probably the worst scene in the history of this show. Tara is trying to persuade Lettie Mae to let her out by saying all kinds of terrible things that she knows will get to her mother. She starts talking about Jesus and the Devil, and IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU’LL DO THIS. I just want to SCREAM. Tara is on my shitlist for this episode. I cannot BELIEVE she would lower herself to this point FOR A MAN. She is doing all of this FOR A MAN. This shows how truly pathetic Tara is. She is so starved for love and attention that she will alienate her friends, emotionally destroy and manipulate her mother, and risk her life FOR A MAN. That is not love. That is INSANITY. Fuck this. Tara says all kinds of mean things, and so Lettie Mae drops down and starts to pray as Tara starts to cry. Whatever.

Outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head, and Sookie gets all distant and glassy-eyed and says it was a CRAZY PLACE, YO where anything can happen and you can feel your guts getting bigger and there’s an emptying feeling, and IT IS GREAT AND TERRIBLE. And Lafayette is like SIGN ME UP.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is feeding Arlene’s kids, and they ask him what’s wrong with their mom. How do you explain to kids that their mom is a devil zombie that just wants to have sex and cut out hearts? Sam doesn’t. He just says that Arlene’s not feeling well, and he asks the kids if Arlene has been sick in front of them, and they say SHE IS NOT SICK, SHE IS CRAZY. They mention her kissing Terry and doing “other gross stuff” and that alarms me, and then they ask Sam if they can get her a doctor or somebody to fix her, and Sam goes UH, WELL, and that is when the boy kid goes LIKE A VAMPIRE. And the girl kid goes YEAH LIKE VAMPIRE BILL. Now, why these kids think a vampire would know what to do, I don’t know but I don’t care because HA HA HA, Sam still thinks that Bill is in Dallas, and there is only ONE OTHER vampire he knows. BWUAHAHA. (But wait, how does he know Eric? From that one time he came into the bar and roughed up the customers and passed out coupons? This makes them BFFs?) WHATEVER. IT MEANS ERIC.

Back on the Porch of Girltalk, Sookie asks Lafayette how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever. When Sookie asks how that is possible, Lafayette says HI My Boyfriend MADE me drink his blood. Sookie goes OMG ME TOO HE TRICKED ME. Lafayette says, “Somebody need to slap that bitch.”

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE RIGHT THERE. LAFAYETTE IS THE WINNER.

Sookie mentions that she did slap him, and then she casually asks him if he’s had any, oh, I don’t know, dreams about Eric. Lafayette goes O.O and asks her how she could know that. (YAY! They closed a plot hole that everybody will not stop talking about! You got your answers, NOW SHUT IT.) Sookie asks him what kind of dreams they are, and Lafayette goes HE IS IN MY BRAIN AND THEY ARE SEXY SEXY DREAMS. That fact scares the crap out of him because he HATES Eric. Riiiight. Lettie Mae comes busting out of the house crying just then, and tells them that Tara is saying horrible things, so she wants to keep guard instead of watching Tara.

It’s at this point that I started screaming at my TV going DON’T DO IT! Nobody ever listens to me though, and after some witty banter about how Lettie Mae was the one who taught Lafayette how to shoot so YES she can handle a gun, Lafayette turns it over. Just as soon as he does, Lettie Mae yells GOT THE GUN, TARA, and Sookie and Lafayette go *FACEPALM* Lettie Mae tells them they’re going to let Tara out, and when they refuse, she fires the gun into the air, which sends Lafayette cowering behind a lawn chair into another PTSD freak out. Sookie practically molests him as she attempts to comfort him, and she goes LETTIE MAE WTF? She tells Sookie she has a chance to win her daughter back, so she is going to take it, so OMFG GO UNLOCK HER. Sookie goes to get the keys, and she notices an exceptionally large ashtray within grabbing distance, but she leaves it be and goes into the house to let Tara go.

When she does, Lafayette is left alone, and then…THEN…OMFG, my dears, THEN. Remember that time that Andy Bellfleur was yelling at Lafayette, and Lafayette started to hallucinate? YES? WELL THEN, BUCKLE UP, BITCHES. THAT SHIT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

Lafayette turns back, and ERIC IS WEARING LETTIE MAE’S CLOTHES. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. Eric is standing there, in Lettie Mae’s clothes, with Lettie Mae’s voice, holding the gun, and Lafayette goes O.O as we go OMFG BWUAHAHA. On a personal note, I go PHWOAR because OMG ASKARS ARMS. HIS MUSCLEY, ONLY SLIGHTLY HAIRY, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT ARMS.

*THUD*

It’s really interesting how Askars can make his mouth look like he’s saying the lines JUST like Lettie Mae says them, just like he did when he was Eric!Andy. It’s just blows me away, and it shows that Askars is the best, most greatest, wonderful man in the universe. Anyway, Eric!Mae starts talking about how Lafayette’s mom hates him, and how he won’t let Lafayette keep him and Tara apart, but then it turns into Eric‘s voice, and he says, “And that’s why I’m gonna hafta kill you.” And he cocks the gun …

…AND MY SOUTHERN BELLE OVARIES ASPLODE. GUNS MAKE US WANT TO HAVE BABIES. It‘s a genetic flaw. SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRES with GUNS in DRAG make us want to leave our families and our homes and our jobs and join a commune of faithful worshippers of said magnificent creature, where we promise to have his VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE BABIES, even though they will karate chop their way out of our bellies and probably be drunk and wear horns and try to kill us. WE DO NOT CARE. WE WILL DO IT FOR HIM, OUR HOLY MASTER--ERIC, KING OF ALL THE WORLD.

Back now. He crouches down and aims the gun with his cheek all resting against it so cute-like, and then Eric looks so sweet and tells Lafayette that he thought he wanted to be a vampire, and how he feels with his blood inside him (PHWOAR) is how it feels to be a vampire, but it’s like that x A MILLION. Then he says “Goodbye, sweetheart.” I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD.

LOOK! I’m the savior for I have risen from the dead to give you my HOLY WORD. (Bwuaha, blasphemy is HILARIOUS. :D) Tara and Sookie come out of the house then, and Sookie goes WTF DID YOU DO TO HIM as Lafayette is freaking out more than ever, and she goes back over to molest comfort him. Tara takes off to get in the car, but she has to stop and come back and get Sookie’s keys, giving Sookie the opportunity to tell her that she’s a fucking idiot. Tara gets in Sookie’s car and takes off at top speed to go save Eggs.

At the same time, what’s left of Team Bromance is pulling up in front of the sheriff’s office, and Jason is asking if Andy thinks Sam ever turned into a dog and did it with a girl dog, and Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. Everlee Mason is running across the lawn of the place in her underwear, and then Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN. They go inside and find that secretary girl who is a black-eyed crazy, and all she wants to do is get it on with Jason. Jason agrees, and Andy goes SRSLY? But Jason reveals it’s just his plan to keep the whore busy while Andy goes and gets the guns. Riiiiight.

Andy goes into the back and starts getting the guns out of the weapons locker, but then OH NOES! Somebody starts shooting at him! Andy turns around and IT’S SHERIFF BUD…in his underwear. He asks Andy to dance with him, and then they proceed to start square dancing until Bud says he has to go do number 2 and runs off. Andy goes WTF and then ZOMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL.

Back at Lafayette’s PTSD Recovery Center for the Terminally Fabulous, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is freaking out, and Sookie screams HE IS TRAUMATIZED. Lettie Mae says OMG ME TOO. Then Sookie starts whispering in Lafayette’s ear and tells him when she makes her move, he needs to get the gun when Lettie Mae drops it. Lafayette agrees, and Sookie convinces Lettie Mae to lower the gun. When she does, Sookie picks up that big ashtray from earlier and chucks it right at Lettie Mae’s head. She drops the gun, Lafayette gets it, and they run off and get into Lafayette’s car. Lettie Mae just keeps screaming IT’S NOT MY FAULT from the porch. YES, IT IS. But really, couldn’t Sookie have hit her in the stomach or something? The head? That’s cold, Sook.

Now we see that Sam is sitting with Arlene’s kids in his car outside of Fangtasia. WIN. The girl kid starts asking if Sam knows their dad, and this whole part makes me really uncomfortable, but we find out that the kids’ dad was named Dwayne and that he tattooed Arlene’s name on his stomach. I SMELL FORESHADOWING. Just then, Sam sees Ginger heading into Fangtasia in her hooker heels and coochie-cutter shorts, and he jumps out and runs up to her. This, of course, makes Ginger scream her hilarious scream, and has she always been covered with gross vampire bites? I’ve never noticed it before. Anyway, Sam tells her that he needs to see Eric, and Ginger says DUH he won’t be here until after dark, and Sam goes -_- but bribes Ginger into letting him and the kids come inside to wait. YES, BRING THOSE KIDS INTO ANOTHER BAR, SAM. Fantastic baby-sitting.

Now we’re traveling down the Back Roads of CGI Fail, and Lafayette is like this O.O driving the car and holding the gun, and Sookie finally says that he has to SUCK IT UP, and if the time comes, he has to shoot Maryann IN THE HEAD. Got that? SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD.

Back at the House Formerly Known as Sookie’s, Tara is creeping up into the place, and she sees Eggs sitting at the table. She rushes over to him, but OH NOES, he still has the black eyes. She tries to get him to leave with her, but TOO LATE. Maryann shows up and goes O HAI. Tara tells her to let them go, but Maryann goes UM, NO, you called me. Apparently, when Tara got the exorcism, that Mini-Tara was actually Maryann because Tara summoned her, and Lady VooDoo wasn‘t the vessel but she had to try anyway. Um, WHUT? Is anybody else buying this? Let’s just let this one go, shall we?

Tara freaks out, but Maryann decides to do the hippy hippy shake. Tara puffs out her chest and tells Maryann that won’t work on her anymore. Maryann then decides to take another route, and she reaches back and punches Tara right in the face. OH NOES, it works because Tara has the black eyes again, and she hugs Maryann like YAY I’M HOME, and Tara and Eggs run off together, reunited in their Black-Eyed Crazies love. *SIGH*

Just then, Terry, Arlene, Creepy Mike Spencer, Jane Bodehouse, and some random skank come in, and they are carrying Sam’s clothes, and they go YAY! WE DID IT! Maryann stops and goes DID WHAT? And they say that the God Who Comes came! WOOOO! Naturally, Maryann says WHAT? They tell her all about the Jason!God and how he smote Sam, and all that’s left of Sam is his clothes! YAY! Maryann then looks as though she is going to eat every single one of them and she goes OMFG IDIOTS, and then she makes this crazy sound that even makes MY teeth hurt through the screen, and all of the devil zombies go running for their lives. Maryann then says OMFG NOW I HAVE TO DO IT.

Back at the Crazy Town Sheriff’s Department, Jason is trying to talk to Random Skank about weapons, but all she wants to do is blow him. *headdesk* Jason says he would never take advantage of a woman who was all messed up, but their hilarious conversation is interrupted when some random cop sticks a gun to the back of Jason’s head and suggests they play Russia roulette. Luckily, Andy comes to save the day, but then HE GETS SHOT FOR HIS TROUBLE. ANDY…NOOO! Jason wrestles the gun away from Random Cop Kevin and prepares to shoot him to avenge the death of his beloved Andy when beloved Andy goes YAY NOT DEAD and shows him the Kevlar vest he wisely put on. YAY! Jason asks if there’s one for him, but Andy says no.

Judging by the sight of some HILARIOUS old pictures, we are back at Maxine Fortenberry’s House of Horrible Cooking, and she is making some insane dish for “the big day.” That dish includes potato chips, Snickers bars, and what looks like cheese. Then she adds hot sauce, and we throw up a little. Hoyt is like WTF MOM, and he tells her that she is not going anywhere, and that was obviously the wrong thing to say. It’s terrible exposition time for Hoyt, and Maxine tells him a slew of awful things, including how his dad was NOT killed defending his family from a burglar. He killed himself, actually, and Maxine lied so they’d get insurance money. Poor Hoyt. We can label him traumatized now.

Back at Casa de Naked Dancing Guy, Sookie and Lafayette are watching the house from a distance, and Sookie is going on about how all of the people are defiling Gran by being in the house and being naked and crazy. She then makes one of the worst comments I’ve ever heard (thank you Alan Ball for that beautiful bit of writing) and she says that almost getting raped in Dallas was not as bad as people messing up her house. WHUT. Lafayette tries to comfort her by saying that the people aren’t themselves, and then Sookie says she should have known because Maryann was thinking weird foreign thoughts the first time they met. She asks Lafayette why people suck and do terrible things, and Lafayette tells her it’s because people are weak. Sookie then has this beautiful moment where she becomes everything we have wanted her to be, and she tells Lafayette that she is NOT weak, and she is NOT afraid, and it is time for AN ASS-KICKING.

Then of course that moment is ruined when we see Arlene and Terry in a tree, and Arlene says they are trespassing, and they have to pay a fine. The two of them jump out of the tree like freaking NINJAS, and Arlene says the fine is “100 million dollars and your pants” as she points to Sookie, and she and Terry advance on them. Guess what? Drug dealer Lafayette to the rescue! He throws a bag of prescription medication at them like chicken feed, and Sookie escapes and runs into the house. Arlene and Terry are really hilarious in this scene even as they are terrible.

HAPPY HOUR AT FANGTASIA and Eric is…a Playgirl model? BWUAHA, WTF? He’s like stretched out on some bench all HEY BABY BABY, but he’s wearing a suit, so we can forgive him. In fact, I will be perfectly willing to be impregnated with his children on that couch. Pam, on the other hand, BWUAHAHA. WHAT THE HELL? I have NO idea what she is wearing. It’s like some sparkly vinyl jumpsuit thing, and her hair and make-up are atrocious, and for the first time, Pam looks a bit haggard. Whatever, she is still HBIC.

Anyway, Sam is there with the kids, and he is like HELP, and Eric asks him why he should help a shifter. Sam says that someday he might be able to give him something he needs. Eric immediately goes CAN YOU GIVE ME SOOKIE, and Pam rolls her eyes while Sam goes EWW, NO. Arlene’s kids are watching Eric like this O.O, and Eric leans forward and tells Sam that he’s not known for his vampire friendly attitude. Sam says HELLO the world is about to end in Bon Temps, so it’s time to start trusting each other. (Eric is the LAST person anyone should trust, actually.) Eric finally relents and says that he doesn’t know the maenad, but it must be the Bull Man Thing. Pam mentions that it owes her a pair of shoes. Sam says HELP THEN? Eric says he might know somebody who MIGHT be able to help. MIGHT. (Um, the Queen? Thanks for joining the party, Eric!)

Arlene’s boy kid suddenly goes CAN WE SEE YOUR FANGS, and Eric pops a fang for them. (His fangs are so pretty, UNLIKE Sophie-Anne’s fangs of fail.) Girl kid is like EEP, and Eric’s like DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES? And he’s staring at her in a creeper way, and Sam goes ERIC WTF. Girl kid says that their almost-step dad didn’t like them, but they do. Pam chimes in and says that they make her glad she never had any kids. BWUAHA, Pam. Eric goes “Come on, Pam, they’re funny!” AND THEN HE CALLS THEM TEA CUP HUMANS AND WRINKLES HIS NOSE. *THUD*

Eww, but then…then…Pam starts talking in Swedish, and she says, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” And Eric responds, “But delicious.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Try to gloss that one over, you crazy rabid Eric fan girls! HE LIKES TO EAT BABIES.

ANYWAY. Sam is like HI CALL THAT BITCH, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has leave right away, so he’ll walk Sam out. Pam starts yelling about how she’ll smell the kids for a week, and Eric is like AHAHA. Out in the parking lot, Sam is like SO CALL ME SOME TIME, and Eric says he’ll let him know what he finds out. Then he bends down and looks at Arlene’s kids and says, “Goodnight, tiny humans” and winks at them. And then he takes off and FUCKING FLIES AWAY. FLYING ERIC. Except it was sort of lame because we didn’t really see him fly so much as take off, and he looked like Superman, so honestly, FAIL. Not impressed at all. Arlene’s kids are, though, and Sam is like OMG LET’S GO, and he looks seriously creeped out.

Back at Casa de Crazy House, Sookie is creeping up on the house, and she sees Jane Bodehouse who is singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” but she’s saying “Lo, Lo Bromios” and it is HILARIOUS. That is until she turns around and shows Sookie what she was doing, which is CUTTING OFF HER OWN FINGER. WHUT? Sookie walks past that crazy into the kitchen where she finds a naked guy taking a bath in her sink, and Creepy Mike Spencer grabs her leg and tries to molest her while saying creepy things like, “Remember when your Gran was laying here, all bloody and dead?” OMG WTF IS THIS NIGHTMARE. When Sookie tries to escape, the crazies start yelling like lunatics, so Sookie changes tactics, and she says SHHHH, and she actually LAYS DOWN AND SPOONS WITH MIKE SPENCER who continues to be very, very creepy. Excuse me while I go and throw up.

Finally, we get back to the beach…OH WAIT, it’s NOT the beach. It’s Sophie-Anne’s House of Fail, and she, Bill, and some random girl I assume to be Hadley--yes, Sookie’s cousin Hadley--are all in their bathing suits by the pool. AHAHA WHAT IS THIS SHOW? There are a bunch of people in various states of undress on the other side of the pool, and we can assume this is her “court.” I really despise how this portrayal of her is so cheapening the awesome way that Charlaine Harris has set up the vampire government. Sophie-Anne is in a position of power, someone who is to be respected because she governs her people fairly and keeps the peace. Instead, we see a decadent, self-absorbed trendy BRAT, and I could SCREAM. ANYWAY.

Sophie-Anne asks Bill what he’s in the mood for, and Bill goes NONE FOR ME THANKS. The Queen says she needs him in top form FOR THEIR YAHTZEE GAME, and then Bill casually mentions he only drinks from Sookie. Hadley looks up when he says that, so I’m guessing that she didn’t know about Bill and Sookie, and the Queen goes WTF? WHY? She calls over who I assume is the Latvian boy, and Bill is like OMG I HAVE TO GO, but the Queen tells Bill DRINK, and Latvian boy blinks cutely at Bill and says, “I will have the sex with you.” BWUAHAHAHA. Oh, Show, you slightly redeem yourself. Bill finally gives in and bites the kid, and the Queen is like PHWOAR MAN-SEX.

Back at Casa de Meat Tree, Lafayette is creeping up to the house, when suddenly, OH NOES, Maryann and Carl show up behind him. Maryann’s talk about some crap herb or something, and Lafayette is like I KEEL YOU BITCH, but Maryann just keeps on coming, and so Lafayette pulls the trigger. Only…Maryann puts up her hand and deflects the bullet…RIGHT INTO CARL’S HEAD. NOOOO! CARL!! Sadness. Lafayette is like O.O, and Maryann goes HMM, YOU COOK, RIGHT? AHHHH! NOOO! LAFAYETTE!!

It’s YAHTZEE time, and the Queen hates threes, and finally, Bill has had enough. He gets up to go, and as he does, the Queen starts in about maenads and what they are all about. Apparently, they’re trying to call for the God Who Comes, but they’ve been sucking at it for centuries because they can’t get the right recipe and they need just the right vessel. The best vessel, obviously, is a shape shifter or a were because maenads don’t want vampires due to their lack of a beating heart. Anyway, when this God That Comes shows up, he will ravish and devour the maenad and that’s their ultimate goal. HI WHUT? The important part of this story is that the only time that Maryann can be killed is when she willingly surrenders herself to the God Who Comes AND now it’s obvious why Maryann has been after Sam. HE IS THE VESSEL! OH NOES!

Just then, some random bodyguard WHO BETTER NOT BE ANDRE, interrupts the party, and Hadley and Bill have a chat. Hadley asks how Sookie is, and Bill tells her she’s great, and then Hadley asks about Gran, and Bill goes YEAH, UM. It’s a terribly awkward and ironic moment, and I love the show for it. The Queen comes back and says that Eric is there, and Bill goes -_- TIME TO GO. Then Sophie-Anne makes me like her for about five seconds when she says, “This alpha male posturing…you two really should just fuck each other and get it over with.”

AHAHAHAHAHAH I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR MONTHS.

On Bill’s way out, the Queen is like CAN’T WAIT TO MEET SOOKIE, and Bill goes -_-. Uh ohs. As Bill is heading out the door, Eric is heading in, and Bill goes WHY ARE YOU HERE, and ERIC HAS MESSED UP CRAZY HAIR. I AM DEAD AGAIN. Eric says he’s there to figure out how to kick a maenad’s ass, and Bill is like WHY? SO SOOKIE WILL LOVE YOU? Eric just casually fixes his hair as he asks “Billy” if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill goes NO, LAME-O. He says it’s desperate that Eric would trick her into drinking his blood just she’d find him attractive, and Eric goes AHAHA LIKE YOU? AND Bill did it the first night they met. First Bill goes WTF HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? Eric doesn’t answer that question, and Bill counters with saying he did it to save her life. “Isn’t that convenient,” Eric answers.

Uh oh, it’s about to be a catfight. Bill says STAY AWAY FROM SOOKIE, and then he pulls out the trump card, that one I mentioned last week. Bill tells Eric to stay away or he’ll tell the Queen about Eric having humans sell V for him. Eric goes VERY still and he has a hint of an OH SHIT look in his eyes. “You wouldn’t,” he answers, and Bill says, “I won’t as long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.” Eric reminds Bill that he doesn’t like threats, and Bill says ME EITHER and he dramatically stalks away, leaving Eric to go o.O and walk into the Palace of Tacky. Guys, I have to say…Bill won that round. No doubt about it.

Somewhere on the edge of Sookie’s property, Jason and Andy pull up, and they eat Special K bars (HEY, I EAT THOSE) for carbs. Then we get down to it. We find out the reason that Andy hates Jason. It’s because Jason has had it easy--football, popularity, women. And Jason is like OMFG WTF? He has knee problems, he has to work out and watch porn to learn sex abilities. Jason smacks him down and tells Andy all about how horrible his life has been--dead parents, no money, murdered girlfriend, etc. Jason says it doesn’t matter if they like each other, though. They have received the calling to save the town, and that is why they have to bury the hatchet. Then the Bromantic Duo make up and decide that the town full of crazies are still American crazies, and that means something, so they clasp hands, they get their weapons, and they move out.

Over at the Trailer of the Vessel, Sam is sitting on his steps looking all pensive, and then out of nowhere, Bill vampires up and looks at him in a very Edward Cullen-stalker type way. Sam just goes O.O Hmmm…

Back in the Kitchen of Molestation, Creepy Mike Spencer is still being creepy and molesting Sookie, but Sookie has had enough of this. She tells him to skip the foreplay so they can just do it, but she wants to be on top. Creepy Mike Spencer is like HEY BABY BABY as Sookie climbs on top of him, but he is like UGH UGH UGH when Sookie grabs a pot and beans him on the head with it. SOOKIE FTW! She goes up stairs and peeks into Tara’s bedroom, but it’s not Tara she finds. It’s some guy wearing one of her dresses who says, “Too much?” Sookie just closes the door because WHUT and then she hears glass breaking from up the hall. Naturally, she follows the noise of violence and death, and what she finds is Tara and Eggs in Gran’s old room, and they are breaking EVERYTHING and the room is a mess. It makes me so SAD that they’re breaking Gran’s stuff, and when Sookie is like WTF Tara says it’s for the nest.

The nest? WTF IS THE NEST?

Oh, it turns out the nest is ACTUALLY A NEST, and it’s on the bed and there is a HUGE egg inside of it. OMGWTF? Did Tara lay that egg? WHERE DID THAT EGG COME FROM? And more importantly, WHAT IS GOING TO HATCH OUT OF IT? Nobody said anything about an egg!

Just then, Sookie feels a tap on her shoulder, and she turns around as Lafayette says, “Where you been at?” OH NOES! HE HAS THE BLACK EYES! Sookie feels like we do, and she just screams her fool head off as we go to credits.

AHAHAH, WTF?

I won’t even go into the preview for next week except to say SOPHIE-ANN BETTER NOT TRY TO FUCK ERIC, AND ERIC BETTER NOT TRY FUCK HER BACK. THAT IS ALL I AM SAYING.