Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Here is my advice if you go to see "X-Men Origins: Wolverine".

When you see the naked Hugh Jackman, it is time to leave the theater.

It's not really Hugh Jackman, but it is a naked guy jumping off a waterfall then running through a field. This is your signal that it is time to go. The movie is an unforgiveable tragedy after that.

One half of me, the half that wants to make excuses for movies, loved "Wolverine." Loved it. It was a nerd explosion all over the place. But the other half of me--the half that read the comics, watched the animated series, somehow muddled through the other trainwrecks that they called movies--felt as though she had been slapped in the face.

Yes, "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is THAT bad. And THAT good.

I am mystified.

You are allowed to "reboot" a series. That is totally okay. Look at Batman! It totally worked. But you are NOT allowed to make a reboot and call it a prequel, because that is what this movie is. It is a reboot, though it is a reboot that will not have movies following it, SO they dared to call it a prequel. Mistake number one.

Mistake number two: YOU CANNOT SWITCH CANON IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIES OF MOVIES.

Period. I gritted my teeth through the first three X-Men movies because I told myself, "These are the movies. They are telling their own story. They are telling their own VERY, VERY WRONG story, but nonetheless, this is the story they are telling." Even though they were a terrible amalgamation of random parts of the comic books, they were all right with me. I love those movies, I really do. But for some reason, when "Wolverine" tried to do the same thing, it felt like a complete betrayal. I sat in that theater going OMG WTF IS HAPPENING.

When you mess with the timelines and contradict what was already put to film, you run the risk of alienating everyone who gave you the benefit of the doubt the first time. I groaned and moaned when they did this in the other movies, but somehow I was able to separate them from the source material and like them on their own. This time, they wanted you to forget everything you had ever seen or read, and I just refused to do it.

The story is so very random that I can't even begin to explain it. So, all the sudden Logan, who is actually named James Howlett, is half-brothers with Victor Creed aka Sabertooth? Oh, yeah, I remember that happening. Oh, wait, NO, I DON'T. Whatever. Moving on. The opening credits are actually pretty awesome. Anyway, Silver Fox is actually some dumb bitch that "Jimmy" hooks up with. She is not a Blackfoot, and her mutant power is TACTILE PERSUASION? WTF? BAD FORM. What follows is two hours of the most random cameos I have ever seen. People just show up left and right. It's madness.

But in some strange way, the nerd in me, the girl who loves X-Men so much that she will watch anything having to do with them, loved this movie. It's awful, but at the same time great. It made me want to tear my eyes out, but at the same time, I wanted to cheer. I will warn everyone to wait for the DVD. I wish I had.

Let's break it down.

THE GOOD:

Hugh Jackman--yes, he remains awesome. He is great, and even though he spends most of the movie running around like a lunatic acting like "the animal," he still remains great. He is a MAN, a REAL man, and he doesn't let you forget it. Or more specifically, his tight tank-top doesn't let you forget it.

Wade Wilson--the four minutes you get of him are fantastic. This is Deadpool as he was meant to be, NOT the monstrosity that they turned him into. He only has a few lines, and they are hilarious. I'm not sure what his mutant power is supposed to be. It looks like his power is "moving swords really fast," but whatever. It's a great scene. Ryan Reynolds should stop doing romantic comedies and only do action movies BECAUSE HE IS GOOD IN THEM.

Liev Schreiber--this is the man that should have played Sabertooth all along. HE IS MAGNIFICENT. Truly and utterly wonderful. He looked like what I thought he should look like, not the random red haired randomite that showed up in the first X-Men movie. I know that is how he looked in the comics, sort of, but I prefered the version in this movie.

Dominic Monaghan Getting Killed--when he is killed in a movie, it is a great movie for me.

THE OKAY:
Gambit--I LOVE Taylor Kitsch, and Gambit is my second favorite character in the X-Men universe. Gambit has a few great moments where he totally steals the show from Hugh Jackman, but overall, I think he was under-used. The accent was a problem for some people, but not me. Instead of the usual Cajun accent, he just sounds a little Southern, and it makes it more believable. Overall, though, they could have and should have used him more, but they didn't.

Agent Zero--WTF WAS THIS TOMFOOLERY? Since when is Agent Zero an Asian guy? Since when is his mutant power being awesome with guns and doing crazy flips? The character was cool, but really WTFWBBQ!!

Emma Frost--yeah, not so sure what happened here. Sudden she is Silver Fox's sister? WHAT? Her diamond skin ability was actually really pretty, but she is just some random blonde girl running around with little Scott Summers. Very random.

The Blob--again, not sure what happened here. He is played by the Evil Soldier Guy on Lost, so that really made it hard for me, but it was just comic relief, yet hilarious in the first few minutes of the movie.

THE BAD:
John Wraith--Wil.i.am is a toad, and I have no idea how he got into this movie. He wears a cowboy hat and is just generally annoying. I was very happy when he got killed.

Young Cyclops--Who knew Scott Summers was a nerd? Because he is, he really, really is. I don't know why he's in this movie. He just seems random and placed in there to have one more X-Men character show up. And did no one tell him what his rescuer looked like when he was detained and experimented on in that THREE MILE ISLAND facility? "Hey, yeah, this guy came and saved us and he had insane sideburns and this metal claws!" Because when Logan shows up 15 years later and receives the douche treatment from aforementioned nerdy Scott Summers, wouldn't he go, "Hmm...this guy has out of control sideburns and metal claws. Where do I remember that from?" UGH. LAME.

Deadpool--oh, the tragedy of this needs more discussion than I can ever hope to provide. I have no idea WTF the movie makers were thinking here. Wade is "killed" off-screen, and when he shows up again, he is called Deadpool, or, as I think of him, Zombie No Mouth BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. They sew his mouth shut because OMG he talked too much? He gets Cyclops' laser eyes? Wraith's teleportation? Logan's adamantium appendages? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I will say, the fight scene between him, Logan, and Sabertooth is AWESOME, but his "death" in the movie is so beyond lame, I can't even begin to describe it. It's just bad. Every single second of it is BAD, BAD, BAD. *SIGH* Yet another great character destroyed.

Silver Fox--worst character adaptation ever. That is all I can say. It's just THAT BAD.

THE PLASTIC MONSTROSITY FORMERLY KNOWN AS CHARLES XAVIER--O.M.G. this almost did it for me. The kidnapped mutants are lead to safety by Cyclops who suddenly knows the way out DESPITE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE, and we find out that he was being lead out to safety telepathically by none other than Professor X. This helicopter shows up, and he walks off of a helicopter all OMG MY CHILDREN COME TO ME. There are two problems with this. The first problem is that HE COULD WALK. So, Xavier lost the ability to walk 15 years before the events of the first X-Men movie? REALLY? I THINK NOT. The second problem was that they used the same technique to make him look younger like they did in "X-Men: The Last Stand" except HE LOOKS TOTALLY PLASTIC. Unless I am severely mistaken, he was totally CGI, and HE LOOKS TOTALLY CGI. It was terrible.

The Not-So-Special Effects--the effects in this movie were terrible. The first time Logan gets a look at his claws, they look like inflatable ones you get for a Halloween costume. I mean, really? This huge budget and everything looks fake. Really, really fake.

The best part of this movie, and the only thing that redeems it in any way, shape, or form is the sheer amount of cheese in this movie. It's just UNBELIEVABLE. Don't get me wrong, I love the cheese. This is a comic book movie. IT SHOULD BE CHEESY. It should be ridiculous, and it is. Catapulting off a Humvee onto a helicopter? Getting shot in the head while naked then jumping off a waterfall and running across a field WHILE STILL NAKED? Being executed by firing squad and saying "Wake me when it's over"? YES. THIS MOVIE HAS ALL THESE THINGS. It is a masterpiece of cheese. If you can't handle it, don't go see this movie. It's a beautiful thing, and really, the only thing that saved the movie for me.

That being said, I give "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" 5 Kraft Singles out of 5. The cheese was magnificent.

But as an overall rating, I can't give this movie more than a 3 out of 5 stars. I hated it, but loved it. You decide for yourself. I'll still buy it on DVD. I mean, come on. I love bad movies.