Recap: True Blood Season 1--"Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" aka I KNOW. I WAS THERE.

First, let me take a moment to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading these recaps all season. You have no idea how much joy you have given me. This is a lot of work every week, but I do it because I enjoy it, and I love to hear from everyone with what they thought of the show. There has been some heartache, some annoyance, some anger, and some betrayal, but overall, writing these and hearing from everyone has made the last four months AMAZING for me. SO THANK YOU.

I do hope you’ll stick around, but if you were only friending me for the recaps and wish to de-friend me now, it’s totally okay. I’ve gotten to know some of you, and there are some of you I want to get to know, so I do hope you’ll stay, but if not, I will see you next season, hopefully!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SO FANTASTIC FOR ME.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, MY LOVELIES.
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.
I know I’m not winning an award or anything, but SHUT UP. I AM THANKING YOU FOR BEING THE BEST FLIST IN THE WORLD. :D

Without further ado…



Previously on True Blood…

You’ve been watching the show all season. YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Do you really need me to tell you again? I DIDN’T THINK SO.


So, Sookie is still screaming her fool head off, and Lafayette tells Tara that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg. Tara picks it up oh so carefully, and Sookie is going TARA! TARA! the whole time, but TARA TARA doesn’t listen. She and Eggs are like HE‘S COMNG YAY and she‘s carrying the egg REALLY carefully, and all I wanted to see was her drop the egg and go NOOOOOO. Anyway they take the egg downstairs, leaving Sookie alone with Lafayette. Sookie starts going LAFAYETTE SWEETIE THIS ISN’T YOU, and she reads Lafayette’s mind, but all she hears is that stupid PREPARE FOR BROWNIES, PREPARE FOR DENTURES, PREPARE FOR YELLOW FURIOUS chant, and he pushes her away and tells her to take off her clothes. EEP WHUT? Sookie goes LAFAYETTE HEY LAFAYETTE, and Lafayette busts out his badass card aka AIDS Burger, and says “I have 1,000 year old vampire blood in me, now take off yo FUCKING CLOTHES.”

Incidentally, the guy watching the finale with me said, right before the show started, “Bets on how long passes before we see Sookie’s breasty business.” He said less than a minute, and I said five, so he was technically right, even though we didn’t actually see them.

So, Sookie strips down, and Lafayette pulls out this big long white gown, then the next thing we see is Lafayette pushing her down the stairs, and when they get to the living room…OH AHAHAHAHA. WHUT? There is Maryann in a hideously hilarious wedding dress with Arlene, Tara, and Jane Bodehouse acting as bridesmaids. They are all wearing stupid crowns of ivy, and they all turn around and Maryann goes O HAI. Sookie is INCREDULOUS and we find out that it’s GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS, THAT BITCH. Sookie goes WTF, and Maryann says that Sookie is her maid of honor! YAY!

Credits.

After the credits, Sookie is struggling against Eggs, and Eggs is telling her to just let it take her, and Sookie says HELL NAW I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT. Maryann tells her to STFU, that she’s only been borrowed, to go alone with old (Jane Bodehouse), new (Tara), and blue (Arlene.) At least I hope, because if she meant blue for Tara…that shit is just wrong. Anyway, Sookie’s only concern is that Maryann has no right to wear Gran’s dress, but honestly, aren’t there bigger things at hand here? And look! Lafayette has changed into his own bridesmaid dress! YAY! Maryann says she should have asked about the dress, but she couldn’t find Sookie, and HI Sookie is probably never going to use it anyway. (BESIDES, IT IS HIDEOUS.)

Sookie just goes WTF YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY FRIENDS…AND JANE BODEHOUSE. And honestly, I wish Jane Bodehouse would get murdered. Whoever that woman is, she is the WORST actress. Anyway, Jane Bodehouse likes Sookie because she gives her extra pickles. Whatever. Maryann gets all pissy and tells Sookie to stop being so negative on “her day”. I HATE when brides to be say that. “It’s MY DAY.” Bitch, it’s Sunday, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It’s not YOUR DAY. You’re just getting married. The world does not stop for you.

Ahem.

Sookie is OUTRAGED, and she tells Maryann that she doesn’t know HOW she did all this, but she will NOT let it happen. Maryann doesn’t like this one bit, and she makes the bridesmaids and Eggs leave so she can have some girl talk with Sookie. Once they’re gone, Maryann goes BRING IT. Sookie says BRING WHAT? A VEGETABLE OR MEAT DISH? Maryann means the Glowy Palm of Glowness because it felt like Nature herself all up in her grill, and Sookie goes WTF? I DON’T EVEN. But she steps up, and it is a hilarious moment when she presses her fingers all up on Maryann’s face, then she finally gives up and shoves her. Maryann goes -_- THAT’S HITTING ME. I was screaming, “GOUGE OUT HER EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!”

Maryann says that Sookie isn’t committing enough, and Sookie goes WTF I AM NOT AN X-MAN ANYMORE. I AM HUMAN, YA‘LL. Maryann just laughs and says that if she WAS human, the hippy hippy shake would work on her, and she demonstrates that it doesn’t. She’s all SO, WTF ARE YOU?

And then I am in love with Sookie for a moment as she responds, “I’m a waitress…what the FUCK are you?”

AHAHAHAHAHA. THERE’S THE SOOKIE WE KNOW AND LOVE.

Meanwhile, across town at Maxine’s House of Bad Karaoke, Maxine is singing along with some old song and dancing in the kitchen. It’s terrifying. Hoyt has fallen asleep in a chair, and Maxine goes to sneak out with her delicious casserole when she notices this. But Hoyt is no fool. He’s tied a piece of yarn across the kitchen, Home Alone style, and when Maxine gets caught on it, it yanks up his hand and wakes him up. He goes flying into the kitchen to stop her from leaving, and she’s all LET ME GO TO THE PARTY, NORMAN BATES which I’m sure is what Hoyt has been saying to her for YEARS, except the Norman Bates part. She says OMG A GOD IS COMING HELLO, but Hoyt says they are staying home, so she hits him with her purse and tries to run. Obviously, it doesn’t work.

Back at the Stackhouse Little Chapel of Love, Maryann is telling Sookie to think back and wondering if she ever felt somebody watching over her? Sookie goes YEAH, IT WAS GOD, and Maryann goes AHAHA YES BUT NO. Then Sookie flashes back to that night when she beat up the Rattrays in the very first episode, how when she threw the chain, it actually TIGHTENED around Mack’s neck. (UM, HI, THAT WAS CLAUDINE WATCHING FROM THE WOODS, so says the deleted scene.) Sookie finally agrees that maybe possibly she isn’t all human, but what is she? Maryann says WHO KNOWS, but that she’s not outright human because she’d be able to feed off her energy if she was, and that’s rare, but not unique in Bon Temps. Then Sookie puts two and two together, and she says SAM? ZOMG YOU’RE MARRYING SAM?

This is the wrong thing to say. Maryann goes HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HUSBAND. Sam is just a wedding gift, then she gets all teary-eyed and says OH NOES I’LL SMUDGE. Sookie is like WHAT IS THIS MADNESS because Sam never did anything to her (except steal a lot of money), and Maryann says WHUT? That he appeared as a naked virgin, drawn to the statue that (incorrectly) represents her god! That means he is the vessel, DUH. HI, NO. Sam was just a hungry runaway who was looking for crap to steal. ANYWAY, Sookie is like WTF SACRIFICE? LIKE HIS HEART? Maryann says YEP. Sookie says that Sam will be able to escape, but Maryann reveals her evil plan. Once Sam realizes that Sookie is there, in danger, he’ll come running. Sookie actually has to sit down when she hears this because HI, Maryann is right. Stupid, noble Sam. Then she puts a wreath on Sookie’s head and says SO PRETTY!

Over at the Palace of the Eternally Damned and Tacky, the Yahtzee game that Bill walked out on is still going strong, but with Eric playing in Bill’s place. (This is the point when the ASkars stans started FREAKING out because OH NOES ASKARS AND ERW ARE IN THE SAME ROOM. THAT MEANS THEY ARE IN LOVE. Whatever, that whore bangs all her co-stars. At this rate, she’ll look 45 by the time she’s 30. OH WAIT, SHE ALREADY DOES AND SHE‘S ONLY 22. /rant)

ANYWAY, Eric does not look pleased to be playing Yahtzee. Obviously, his game is Mystery Date. Eric asks how long the game goes on, and the Queen says that they play to 5 million, which would be…a long time. Then she goes on one of her stupid and horribly written speeches about how Yahtzee is so great because it’s luck and losers could beat her. WHATEVER STFU NOBODY CARES.

Then after all that, she goes, OH BTW SORRY ABOUT GODRIC. THAT BLOWS. Eric looks like he’s about to puke for a second, but then he says thank you and is trying to say how kind the Queen is, but instead, she is rolling and gets another Yahtzee! Then she says YOU WERE SAYING, and Eric is VERY annoyed at this point, but she interrupts him AGAIN by mentioning the maenad in Renard Parrish. (Normally, I’d hate this whole exchange, but it does actually highlight how vampires as old as Eric and the Queen SHOULD act about their makers biting the big one. IT SHOULD BE NO BIG DEAL, definitely not something to cry big hacking sobs over.)

Anyway, she tells him about the maenad, and Eric says I KNOW. I WAS THERE. She tells him not to get involved, and that she told Bill some stuff about maenads, and MAYBE IT’S TRUE, MAYBE IT ISN’T. Then the part that the fan girls were dying over, I‘m sure. The Queen says that she thinks Bill is monogamous with Sookie, and Eric says that yes, he is in love with her. The Queen thinks this is gross and stupid, but then again, he WOULD be with HER. (Hmm, mysterious.) Then she says that Eric probably is, too. Eric pauses, looking like he’s trying to swallow the vomit that just came up, and says I DO NOT LOVE HUMANS.

BUUUUT the delusional fan girls will say OMG HE HESITATED BECAUSE HE WAS SURPRISED SHE COULD TELL THE DEPTH OF HIS FEELINGS AFTER ONLY BEING IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES! IT‘S THAT OBVIOUS HOW HE LOVES ONLY SOOKIE, SOOKIE FOREVER, HIS BRIGHT SHINING STAR IN A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS, AND HOW HE IS READY TO GIVE HER HIS EVERYTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. Mark my words. That shit is going to show up somewhere. (Note: At the point that this was written, I have not yet delved into what I am sure is a myriad of insane fan girl ramblings. )

The Queen mentions that Sookie isn’t entirely human (HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THIS SHIT? WAS THERE A MEMO?) and she asks Eric if he’s tasted her. Again with the almost puking face, and he says SADLY NO, and the Queen says OMG DON’T because all she needs is another vampire falling in love. Eric says that Bill does tend to get in trouble, and the Queen goes OH YEAH, HE DOES. She asks him how the hell Bill could know that SHE is having ERIC sell VAMPIRE BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, I have been lenient, but WTF? I have no idea what the hell is going on. WHY would she be having him sell it? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Eric says he doesn’t know HOW he could know, and the Queen is like THIS IS BAD. FOR YOU. Eric leans in really close and says that Bill doesn’t know that SHE is the one supplying it, and then the Queen LAUNCHES herself at Eric and smacks him to the ground and says HE BETTER NOT, OR I CUT YOU.

Then she randomly starts eating his face off, and the ASkars stans turn off their televisions and go start cutting themselves while listening to sad songs. At first, Eric tries to pry her off him, but then, HI, instinct takes over and his fangs pop out, and the Queen goes THERE THEY ARE, HOW PRETTY, and she sort of licks them. STOP WITH THE FANG BUSINESS. IT’S WEIRD. (And why are her fangs so ugly? I mean they are HIDEOUS. Eric’s are actually pretty. So are Bill’s, and even Lorena’s. The Queen’s are FUG, which suits her, actually, so never mind.)

Even as she’s molesting him, she tells him that even though he’s a bad ass, she could have his pretty fangs for earrings if wanted so DON’T FUCK WITH ME. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill personally. TAKE CARE OF? What does that mean? Then Eric tries to eat the Queen’s face off, but that pool boy goes AHEM IT IS YAHTZEE TIME, so the Queen gets up and resumes her seat, and Eric goes FLOP back on the ground, and I don’t know if he’s relieved because ZOMG she could have killed me, or if it’s sadness because he hasn’t gotten laid in forever. I have to think he’s relieved because he didn’t look exactly willing during all of that. THE QUEEN IS A RAPIST. He sits up, hair perfectly in place, and there is this moment of awkward where everyone looks at each other like PRETEND THAT DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN. It is MAGIC. Then Eric rolls again, and the Queen goes YOU SUCK AT THIS.

What happened to the Queen not enjoying sex with men since a long fucking time ago? And why does ERW jerk her head back when she’s putting her fangs in? I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. GTFO MY SHOW.

Ahem.

Back on the Boulevard of Bromance, Andy and Jason are walking up the road discussing their plans for attack, and Jason is telling him that they are the ones who have to save the day. Then he quotes a bunch of movies, and HILARIOUSLY says “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” OH MAN. These two. They walk up on the house, and they see the wedding going on with all the people dancing around the meat tree, dressed like hippies, and playing the bongos, and they go WTF? Andy comments that at least they aren’t naked, and TRU DAT, Andy. Sheriff Bud is apparently singing into a sausage? I’m not sure about that. Jason goes ZOMG THIS IS STACKHOUSE PROPERTY, FOOLS. Andy stops him from running in because HI, they are out numbered. Jason pulls out the guns, and Andy says that he’s never killed anybody before, and Jason says , and Jason says WHO CARES. THIS IS MY FAMILY’S PLACE. They take off all CHARGE…and immediately get captured by the devil zombies. Andy goes first and gets the black eyes, and then OH NOES, Jason gets them, too, and then proceeds to make out with an old lady. WTF?

HANG ON. WHUT? Jason should NOT get the black eyes. He and Sookie have the same parents, so they should have the same immunity. I CRY FOUL AT THIS.

ANYWAY, over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is telling Bill that Arlene’s kids are in his trailer, but Lisa won’t sleep because she’s so worried. Bill says that wouldn’t be a problem if he’d let Bill hypnovamp them, but Sam doesn’t seem so keen on that idea. Bill says HI MAENAD WANTS YOU, Sam goes I KNOW. I WAS THERE. Bill tells Sam that he and SOOKIE, WHO YOU LOVE, need Sam to make things right, and Sam says that who knows if Maryann would stop with him if he gave himself up. KILLERS DON’T JUST STOP OMG, and Bill goes OMFG COWARD. He tells Sam that he has to come with him, and Sam says UHHH, NO. Bill gets right up in his face and says UHHH YES. GO BILL.

Back at the Little White Chapel of Crazy, we see Arlene and the bridesmaids licking that huge egg, and Sookie finally goes WTF IS THAT EGG? DID YOU LAY IT? And instead of being something AWESOME, Maryann reveals that the egg is just a symbol of fertility. BOO BORING. She also says that Sookie has to anoint the egg, which means she has to get a mouthful of blood and lick the egg. She does it, and goes BARF. Outside, Bill is walking up to the party with Sam, and Jason and Andy bust in to tell Maryann that the vessel has arrived! YAY! Sookie sees Jason’s black eyes and goes NOOO, and Jason says SOOKIE SO PRETTY. Maryann goes IT IS TIME, and Sookie spits at her I WILL NOT BE A PART OF SOMETHING SO EVIL. But it looks like she doesn’t have a choice because Maryann threatens to kill Jason, and Sookie immediately changes her mind.

Outside, the wedding has begun, and this was the moment that I realized THIS SHIT IS STUPID. Honestly, the episode could have been saved had they not gone the route of the cheesy wedding. I mean there are people playing violins and shit! Just have it be some ancient ritual and skip all the stupid dresses and stuff. BUT as it is, this is what we have to deal with, so the wedding party comes out, all the bridesmaids throwing flowers, carrying the egg, and Andy is carrying Maryann’s train. HILAROUS.

Bill shouts from the crowd and brings Sam forward, saying that he offers Sam in exchange for Sookie. Of course, Sookie is losing her shit, screaming and fighting as she’s turned over to Bill all OMG SHE WILL KILL HIM! WTF BILL, and Bill just goes THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, so automatically, you know that something fishy is going on here. They take Sam away, and Bill holds onto Sookie, who is PISSED that Bill won’t let her go. She is like WTF BILL YOU SUCK, but Bill says TRUST ME, YO.

Maryann gets all official and starts up the big ritual, looking like a lunatic in her dress and saying DIONYSUS, BACCHUS, BROWNIES, DENTURES, YELLOW FURIOUS and all that, and for the millionth time, incorrect information is given. NONE OF THOSE FUCKS IS THE HORNED GOD. But you know, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if this shit is wrong? The show is insane, so I’ll let them be insane. Anyway, everybody joins in on the chant, and Lafayette puts the bull mask on the meat tree and says “WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES.” Oh, Lafayette. I love you. They put the egg up into the middle of the meat tree, and Maryann tells some crap story about why she’s doing all this. WHO CARES. The crazy violins start up as they bring Sam out tied to a stretcher thing, and they prop him up. Maryann gets all emotional as she brings forth the big ceremonial knife. Sookie is screaming and flailing all SAM USE YOUR GIFT, and DUH, Bill says SOOKIE USE YOURS, which is what she should have done all along!

But it’s too late because Eggs shows up and STABS SAM RIGHT IN THE BELLY. I actually screamed when he did it. SAM! NO! And Sam gurgles and spits, and Eggs takes the knife to Maryann, and she’s like OH BABY BABY and half crying, and she smears the blood all over her neck. Sookie is all NOOO, and she faintly hears Sam’s voice in her head, so she runs over to him, and he tells her to DESTROY…IT…ALL..OF…IT.

Then Sookie goes BATSHIT CRAZY, and she runs over and grabs that huge egg and straight SMASHES that shit on the ground. It’s very gross, and Tara goes ZOMG OUR SACRED EGG. Sookie rips off her crap wreath and says NONE OF THIS IS SACRED. IT’S EVIL! Then she runs over to the meat tree, and she starts to push it down, but only after he palm glows a little is she able to get it pushed over. That’s when Maryann realizes that something fucked up is happening, and she goes HOW DARE YOU BITCH. She starts apologizing to Dionysus, and then…oops, she turns around to the town, and says I WILL SACRIFICE THEM ALL. She does the hippy hippy shake, and this time, it’s that scary one where everybody clutches their ears and their brains start to melt.

Sookie is like WTF NO, and Maryann gets the man voice and says YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON EVERYONE, and then she sinks her hands into the dirt, and yep, when they come up, it’s the CLAWS. NOOO! Sookie realizes this is a good time to run, but as we recall, this didn’t work out so well the first time. Sookie is running like a fool, screaming for Bill, and she trips and falls. Just as Maryann is about to catch her, we hear this roaring, groaning HORRIBLE noise, and Maryann stops and looks up like WTF? WTF indeed because I’m thinking it’s going to be a tiger or a dragon or some shit, but instead…it is a HUGE white bull, and it just comes trotting up the road.

AHAHAHAHAH WHUT?

Maryann is all OMG MY LOVE MY HUSBAND, and she goes over to it, and there’s this moment, where they look at each other under a streetlight, and Maryann reaches out to touch the bull, and she’s crying and ridiculous, and she holds out her arms like TAKE ME IM URS, and the bull DOES take her. He takes his big fucking horn and fucking STABS HER IN THE GUT.

And the world CHEERS.

So she’s gasping and flopping about with a horn through her guts, and then he turns back into NAKED SAM and pulls her heart out. She has this horrible look on her face and goes, “There was no god?” AND THEN HE SQUEEZES HER HEART, SHE TURNS INTO A SKELETON THING, AND DIES.

DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD.

The whole town immediately goes back to normal, and they all look around like WTF because really, WTF do you say to each other at a crazy marriage/sacrifice where you’re all wearing crazy clothes and playing the bongos? All I can say is that every single one of them needs to go get tested for every STD imaginable and get the morning after pill, even the men just in case, because HOLY FUCK. Eggs also notices that HI, he has blood ALL OVER his hands.

Back on Awkward Naked Guy Street, Sookie rushes forward and hugs Sam, and YES, HE IS TOTALLY NAKED. GUH. Sookie is flailing because HE KILLED YOU, but nope, that’s not what happened. Then we see Bill come limping from the woods, and it all becomes clear. Bill healed Sam up after the stabbiness, and that is why he is alive! YAY BILL AND SAM! Fantastic team together. But apparently, Sam had to drink a LOT of Bill’s blood because he’s all weak and trembly, and now OMFG WILL SAM HAVE SEXY SEXY DREAMS ABOUT BILL? PLZ. Anyway, Sookie is like EVERYTHING IS OKAY NOW, and Sam shows back up with pants and a bloody black arm and he says that even if things didn’t work out, he was okay with dying. WHUT?

Jason and Tara come wandering up, and they look at Maryann’s body and go o.O. Tara immediately goes and hugs Sookie, and apparently, she doesn’t remember anything, but Sookie tells her it’s okay. She orders Bill to get rid of Maryann’s body, and she tells Sam and Jason to get everybody the EFF out of her house. Tara then makes some horrible foreshadowing comment about how she has a bad feeling that not all the bad stuff is over yet. THAT WOULD BE A 10-4, GOOD BUDDY.

Over at Hoyt’s House of Humiliation, Maxine is back to herself, and Hoyt is like YAY. She asks what the heck happened, and he tries to tell her, but somewhere in the middle, she realizes that she’s got a vampire bite on her neck. She freaks right the hell out all HOW COULD YOU PICK A VAMPIRE OVER YOUR MOM? Then…oh, man, it’s horrible. Hoyt says that whatever it was that had control over her made her say terrible things about Jessica, him, and about the fact that Hoyt’s dad shot himself, and Maxine gets the UH OH face, which means that is true. Maxine tells him that he’s old enough to know the truth. This is apparently WRONG. She should have kept lying to him because he FREAKS OUT and screams at her, and she cries, and in the end, Hoyt says something very terrible. He says that he wishes Jessica would have finished her off. WTF HOYT. That is SO NOT COOL. So, she lied to you? BIG DEAL. Parents always lie to their kids. It’s their right. After he says the horrible thing, he gets his coat and is OUT, YO.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, Arlene is frantically calling her kids and wondering why they aren’t answering. Poor Arlene. Jason offers to give her and Terry a ride home, but then Jane Bodehouse finds her finger and is all GAH AHH OHH, and Jason grabs her up to take her to the hospital. Sheriff Bud tells Andy that he gets his badge back, and Andy is overjoyed. He promises to never touch another drink, and let’s hope he sticks to it. Sheriff Bud gives us one of the best lines of the episode: “You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on.” Which, Sheriff Bud does not. HA!

Somewhere off by himself, Sam is looking at some deer that’s staring him down that creepy way that deer do, and he’s got tears in his eyes because I guess he’s remembering Daphne. Which is stupid because Daphne willingly chose to be a servant of Maryann, so there’s no tears needing to be shed for that traitorous bitch. Bill shows up to ruin his alone time, and Sam tries to be all manly and wipe the tears away inconspicuously. Bill wants to thank him for trusting him with his life, and Sam is like WHATEVER, SOOKIE IS SAFE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. Then Bill says YOU WANTED IT TOO. And it totally sounds like they are talking about something else entirely. O.O Sam gets all sentimental about how Sookie and the town are family, and it’s his duty to save them. Bill says HEY THANKS for him revealing his secret, and Sam gets all FORESHADOWY and DEEP and says that shit is easier to deal with once you face up to it or something. Basically, it’s a sneaky way of the writers telling us HEY BILL IS HIDING SOMETHING. (PSST. He’s actually a woman.) Bill slinks off, and Sam looks back, but, aww, the deer is gone.

In the house, Eggs is scrubbing his hands but OMG DA BLOOD, and Tara is like HEYYY, but Eggs keeps going on about OMG THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS OMG. He wants his Maryann, but I guess Tara doesn’t know how to tell him that she’s a big black pile of bones and goo in a wedding dress, so she tells him that they’ll start fresh and handle it themselves. But Eggs doesn’t want to hear that. ZOMG THE BLOOD. THE BLOOOOOD. Tara tells him that Sookie helped her remember some of the stuff she forgot, but she wishes that she didn’t, and he probably doesn’t want to remember things either. OMG DA BLOOOODDDD, and he goes back to scrubbing his nails. Things are not going to end well for Eggs. Sookie comes in, and tells her that everybody is gone, and Tara tells her that Bill is upstairs, then Sookie looks at Eggs and goes THE FUCK? Tara just goes I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

THEN Tara apologizing for bringing the crazy into the house, and THANK GOD. All of this really is Tara’s fault if you think about it. Sookie’s house is destroyed, people are dead, the town is in shambles--all because Tara wanted a family? YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ’ TO DO. Then Sookie notices that Creepy Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and she goes OOPS, and Tara says she’ll take care of it while Sookie goes and snuggles with Bill. That is the LEAST she can do.

Sookie goes upstairs to find Bill in the only room that is miraculously not totally destroyed, and she asks Bill how long it is before sunrise. Bill tells her it’s 41 minutes, and Sookie says “Hold me for forty?” My heart totally melts. I know most of you are Bill haters, or if you’re not haters, you’re just more pro-Eric, but I love the Bill and Sookie schmoop. It’s what this show was based on, and we haven’t had it in a while with all the madness going on, so it’s nice to get back to it a bit.

Then the screen goes black, and when it comes back up, we’re at Shithole Bar and Grill, which is back to its pristine crappiness, so I’m guessing it’s been a week or so because NO WAY could they have cleaned up the mess that was that town overnight, but then again, it does seem like it just happened the day before. It’s business as usual, which is really kind of annoying. The town should be completely freaked out, not acting like it never happened, which is what they are doing. I guess it was the Black Eyes because nobody but Sookie and Bill and Sam remember what happened. OY.

THEN AHAHA FUCKING YAY. Charlaine Harris, mother goddess to this whole lovely mess, is sitting at the bar talking to Sam. I LOVE CAMEOS, AND I LOVE HER. AWESOME. Tara is back bartending, and she tells Sam thanks for opening because the town needs a stiff drink after all that shit. Sam is like IT’S COOL. IT’S THE TOWN’S BAR. Tara says BUT IT’S CALLED MERLOTTE’S, and then Sam makes some emo comment about how that doesn’t say anything about him. WHUT?

Over at a booth, Arlene is with her kids, and there is SO MUCH food on the table, and Lisa says that they forgive her, which breaks Arlene’s heart a little because, as she says, they shouldn’t even know what that word means. It’s a very sweet scene, actually, how the kids are forgiving, and Coby tells her that it’s okay because Sam took care of them and took them to see a flying vampire! Terry comes over and gives them some toy ray guns, and Lisa is NOT impressed by this, but he’s very cute, telling them that they look after her at home and he’ll look after her at work so she is looked after. Then as Arlene goes back to work, Coby asks if she saw Rene while she was away, and Arlene goes AHAH NO HE’S STILL ON VACATION. Once she’s gone, Lisa goes, “Yep, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.” Coby says, “Yep.” AND I AM CHARMED BY THOSE HIDEOUS CHILDREN.

Now we see our favorite gossip mongers in the booth beside them talking about how everyone is saying it was a gas leak, but one of them thinks it was aliens (because Maryann Forrester rhymes with Martian Foreigner), and the other things it was government experiments with stuff in the water, and that’s why she only drinks. Mt. Dew. OH, MT. DEW, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD. Sam comes over and tells them that it was ACTUALLY a bad batch of vodka, so Mt. Dew is the smart way to go. I certainly hope this show got paid a lot of money to promote their drink. As Sam walks away, one of the gossip girls (HO HO) says, “God bless whoever made those jeans. I swear, I’d wear him like a scrunchie.” AHAHAHAHAHA.

Lafayette is all his fabulous self again, and he catches Sookie as she walks by, and tells her that he feels sorry for her because she’s the only one who knows what happens and ZOMG he does NOT want to know. TRU DAT. Jane Bodehouse, who wants the jambalaya, is telling everyone that she has no idea how her finger got cut off, but she thinks it was an alligator that must have got her while she was sunbathing. Team Bromance is sitting at the next table, and Andy is OUTRAGED by this because he knows what happened, and when she’s done talking he says, “Wasn’t no gator, and you weren’t down by the lake. I saw you pull that finger out a giant statue of meat, just like I saw you getting it from behind from Mike Spencer.” Jane and her tablemates just go AHAHAH DRUNK. Andy holds up his drink and says IT’S DIET COKE WITH LIME.

Andy is very upset that nobody can remember what happened because they can’t face up to it. Jason tries to console him by saying that they totally saved everybody, even if nobody can remember, so that makes them heroes. Andy feels as though it doesn’t count, because nobody can remember anything but Jason says OF COURSE IT COUNTS. They set out to save the town from Maryann, Maryann is gone, so YAY THEY DID IT. Jason says the whole point of being a hero is to do something bigger than yourself, and they don’t need glory or girls because they are bigger men than that. YUP. Oh, man, they are the BEST.

Back in the back, Sookie is filling up some mustard, and Sam comes up and asks if she can manage without him for a few days because HI, he needs a break. Sookie says she doesn’t have the words to thank him, but Sam says STFU because he doesn’t want anybody knowing his secret. Sookie hugs him and tells him she wishes everybody knew how special he is, but they are interrupted by the most cheerful person I have ever seen, who is bringing Sookie a special delivery. Sam leaves her alone to open it, and Sookie goes out back to sit down with her present. There is a very fancy card, and inside, there is a note from Bill saying how he has owed her a night out for a LONG time, and now she is going to get it, complete with a pretty purple dress. AWWW, ROMANCE. Or, is it guilt? Hmm.

Just then, Eggs shows up and he looks TERRIBLE. He’s still freaking out, and he wants Sookie to help him remember the stuff that happened during the blackouts. He has to know what he did, and Sookie is very reluctant to help, but Eggs goes OMG DA BLOOOOD, so Sookie gives in, even though she warns him that what she finds might be gross. He’s just a crying mess, and it’s actually really sad. So, Sookie puts her hands on Eggs, and she tells him to open his mind and let her in. Sookie tries to work her magic, and Eggs is remembering riding in a car with Maryann, laughing and having a great time, and then it goes black. Sookie tells him to try harder, and when he does, we see Miss Jeanette, and then Maryann says that she’s a vessel to another world or something, and OH NOES, we watch Eggs kill her and rip out her heart! And it’s GROSS.

Sookie pulls away, but it’s too late because now Eggs remembers everything. He remembers killing Daphne, and he remembers stabbing Sam, and OMG DA BLOOOOOD and he runs away. Sookie chases him and tries to tell him that it wasn’t him, it wasn’t his free will. Eggs will not be consoled. IT WAS MY HANDS THAT DID IT OMG DA BLOOOD. Sookie tries her best, but it’s no use. He runs away in his hoodie, and that is that.

Sometime later, at the Old Compton Place, we see Jessica coming down the steps, and Bill catches her as she’s leaving, and he’s wearing a tuxedo, and PHWOAR. He tells Jessica she looks pretty, and this whole scene is totally sweet with him being nice to her, which is rare. He’s totally a dork. He asks her if she’s going to see Hoyt, and she immediately says OMG YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOOKIE SO WHAT, but then Bill says CALM DOWN, YO. HAVE FUN. He mentions that gentlemen called on the lady in his day, but oh, times have changed. He also notes that his living room is Maxine free, and Jessica tells him that she went home, and he hopes she is okay. Just as Bill is trying to leave, Jessica reaches out and tells him that she and Hoyt had a fight. AWWWW, BONDING. She tells him she was going over to apologize, and Bill says that Hoyt would be a fool not to accept. He tells her that he and Sookie are going to a French restaurant, and she says BE HOME BY FIVE HA HA, and he says YOU BE HOME BY FOUR.

Then we see Sam ringing some random doorbell, and when the door opens, HOLY CRAP! IT’S SAM’S ADOPTED MOM. AND SHE IS WAY OLD. They go into the house, and Sam notes that they don’t have any pictures of him. Mom says that it would be hard to explain since they never had any kids, and Sam is like WHATEVER. She starts trying to apologize, but Sam isn’t there for apologies. He’s not interested in assuaging her guilt. What is there for is to find out about his real parents, and Mom goes SORRY NO. CAN’T SAY. Then this little baby monitor thing goes off, and the Mom goes GULP. WTF? Are aliens coming or something? Sam goes back into this bedroom, and laying on a hospital bed with tubes and machines and shit is his old adopted dad, who is obviously dying a horrible death. He’s writing something on a paper that he hands to Sam, and it’s got the names of his real parents along with I’M SORRY. Oy, this part got me in the guts. I mean, UMPH. Poor Sam, but YAY NEW STORYLINE.

Incidentally, Sam’s parents’ names are Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens, and they last lived in Magnolia, Arkansas. OH NOES, SAM IS A MOUNTAIN PERSON.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Hoyt has put on his Sunday best, and he’s got flowers, and he’s knocking on the door looking for Jessica. How cute! She went to him to apologize, and he went to her! It’s so sweet, and…wait a tick. What is this truck stop business? WHAT THE HELL, JESSICA? She’s in the cab of a truck making out with some truck driver, and the truck driver pulls out a condom, and she says, TEE HEE WAIT I’M A VIRGIN. Truck Driver goes S’OKAY I BE GENTLE AND I LIKE IT. Gross. Jessica then gets crazy eyes and says WELL I DON’T, then she TOTALLY BITES HIS NECK LIKE A BEAST! O.O Whoa, Jess. What the? Hoyt is unaware of this, of course, so he leaves the flowers on the doorstep and slinks away, defeated and heartbroken.

Meanwhile, over at Café du Corny, Sookie finds out that Bill actually rented out the whole restaurant OMG SWOON, and she asks him what he’s going to do while she eats. Bill says WE CAN DANCE. This terrible country song starts up, and these two dorks start dancing like loons in the restaurant. OY CHEESY. Yes, it’s lame and stupid, and why would they play that music in a French restaurant? BUT I DON’T CARE. It’s a sweet moment, and randomly, it is SO obvious that AP and SMoyer are totally in love. SO CUTE.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, in an eerie similarity to last year’s finale, Andy is walking out to his car, and I swear he starts to check the backseat for a dead body when suddenly HOLY CRAP. Eggs is behind him WITH THE HUGE BLOOD-STAINED CEREMONIAL KNIFE. He’s all freaking out and saying DA BLOOOOODD, and that he is the murderer and that he did it and ZOMG ARREST ME. Andy realizes then that he doesn’t have his gun. UH OHS. Andy asks him to put the knife down, and Eggs goes OMFG THIS IS THE MURDER WEAPON. Andy tells him that he was under Maryann’s spell, that it wasn’t him, but again, Eggs has had his brains scrambled (OH, PUN. I suck, I know.) He is crazy, and I DID IT. IT WAS ME. THEY WERE INNOCENT. Andy tries to take the knife, but Eggs pulls out some ninja moves and pushes Andy to the ground. He puts the knife RIGHT UP AGAINST Andy’s eye and says I SAW THEIR EYES AS I KILLED THEM. I have an eye phobia, so I was VERY uncomfortable with this, and I was SO SO afraid Andy was going to get killed.

Instead, the back of Eggs’ head gets blown off just as I think he’s about to kill Andy, and Eggs goes THUD against the ground. I ACTUALLY GASPED. Turns out, it was JASON, who is an incredible shot because WHOA, and he is now totally freaked out because OMG I KILLED HIM. Andy gets up and is like SHIT. And Jason is like SHIT. And we are like SHIT. Andy demands the gun, and he quickly starts wiping off Jason‘s prints. He tells Jason that he didn’t see anything, and he wasn’t there, and to GTFO LIKE NOW. Jason runs away in terror. TEAM BROMANCE FTW. Breaking the law, and cracking eggs. BWUAHAHA. I KNOW, I KNOW. I SUCK.

Just then Arlene comes running out all WHAT HAPPENED, and Andy announces to everyone that Eggs confessed, and that he came after him with a knife, so he had to shoot him. Tara comes out, too, and oh, man. This made me totally sad. She sees dead Eggs, and she collapses beside him all NO NO NO. It’s really awful. But honestly, Tara, did you think you’d get to keep him? That’s not how it works. I’m glad Eggs is gone, but sad for Tara because now she’s going to get all promiscuous and end up with crappy abusive vampire Franklin Mott. I MEAN…IGNORE ALL OF THAT. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. HA HA HA.

Back at Café du Cliffhanger, Sookie is gushing about how GREAT the food is, and she’s finishing up her dessert, and Bill tells her that he has another gift for her. So, raise your hands…who saw this coming? Bill pulls out some plane tickets, and Sookie looks at them and says WHERE IS BURLINGTON. This is when I screamed IT’S IN VERMONT because I have been to Burlington, and then I screamed OMG BECAUSE THEY CAN GET MARRIED THERE. Then Bill whips out the little ring box, and Sookie just stares at it like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

Bill is like I LOVE YOU, YO. MARRY ME AND SHIT. Sookie starts crying and says that she’s been dreaming of that day since she was little, and her dreams, she always says yes. SO WHY CAN’T SHE SAY YES? Bill looks horrified, and I am horrified because THIS IS AWFUL. Bill picked absolutely the WORST time to propose, even though I feel as though his actions were genuine, and perhaps motivated by Sam’s little speech about guilt, but WHAT THE FUCK. Sookie starts blubbering and saying how her life is insane, so much has happened, and she doesn’t even know if she’s human OMG! Bill actually echoes my sentiments when he goes WHUT? Sookie keeps going on about how she might be a freak, and she’s only met one person like her and who knows where the hell Barry is, and OMG I WILL GET OLD AND UGLY AND YOU WILL STILL BE HOT. Bill speaks up and says he doesn’t care, that he wants her just like she is, but yeah, not helping. SOOKIE IS NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS!!

Then Bill looks as though he has been punched and says, “Are you saying no?” Sookie practically screams at him NO BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING. Then she runs off to the bathroom to clean herself up. OMG THE DRAMA. THIS SHOW HAZ IT. In the bathroom, Sookie is looking in the mirror, then she looks at the ring, then she looks at herself, and IT IS A LOOKING PARTY OF LOOKING LOOKS. But even as she is crying, the Bookie love theme is playing louder and louder, and she puts on the ring, and she gets this cheesy look on her face and this moment of realization that YES, YES, YES I WILL MARRY HIM.

TOO LATE, SOOKIE. For out in the restaurant, Bill is sitting there all LA LA LA, waiting for Sookie to come back and probably break his heart, when OH NOES! SOME BLACK GLOVED HANDS GET A SILVER CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK AND DRAG HIM AWAY! DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH.

Sookis is putting on some touch up lipstick, and she comes running out of the bathroom going YES, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU, but then she notices that Bill is GONE. The table is trashed, the door is wide open, and Sookie goes O.O and says, “Bill?”

CREDITS.

PHWOAR.


SO. This episode, like the whole season, had problems. Yes, a lot of problems. But really, I loved it. Season finales are never good. They are annoying and cliché, and they leave us with terrible cliffhangers, and this episode had all those things. BUT I LIKED IT.

To combat some of the things I saw last night, NO THIS EPISODE DID NOT NEED MOAR ERIC. Eric is a minor character in the books, and he’s actually a minor character on the show if you think about it. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND RUIN BILL AND SOOKIE’S NIGHT. HE WAS NOT NEEDED. They did right in this episode and only had him a little bit as not to take away with the wrapping up of the storyline and moving into the new one. ERIC IS NOT ESSENTIAL TO EVERYTHING.

That being said, ending with Bill getting kidnapped…yes, it totally changes the dynamic of the third season in comparison to the book. They part on different terms, and yes, Bill gets kidnapped, but it’s not quite this same way.

STOP HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS.
Why was the person wearing gloves? To not get burned by the chain and to not show that she has pretty feminine fingernails. IT WAS NOT ERIC. At least, I don’t think it was. Eric would have just walked up in that bitch and been like YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. He wouldn’t have had to overpower him with silver at all. Lorena probably doesn’t have to either, being his maker, but it was much more dramatic, and Bill wouldn’t have been able to fight and make a ruckus. It’s likely that Eric called Lorena and told her where they were, but no, it was totally NOT Eric who kidnapped him.

Why didn’t Bill hear his attacker? It was a vampire, that’s why, and guess what, he was sleeping and Lorena was sitting on his bed like a CREEPER and he didn’t notice her until he woke up. Makers can sense their children, but children cannot sense their makers. This has already been proven. People have made the comment OH HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ERIC. Again, I say, Eric would not have snuck up on him. NOT ERIC.

LOVED that we got back to Our Gal Sook. LOVED IT. There were some really fantastic moments in this episode for a lot of characters. Overall, the season was good. Probably a seven for me, and I still liked the first season better. MUCH better. But we’re moving into probably one of the best books in the series with season three, so we’ll see what happens.

I’ll have a longer, more in depth round-up of the whole season, but for now, I will say I LOVE THIS SHOW, EVEN IF IT IS CRAP. HATERS TO THE LEFT. :D

And videos!

Here are the newest projects I've been working on! All True Blood related, of course!!

Vlogtasia 06




True Blood crack!vid





True Blood Season 2 Episode 1 "Nothing But the Blood" Video Recap

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Frenzy" aka Even in Drag, Eric is Hot

True Blood Season 2 “Frenzy”

Previously on True Blood…

Bon Temps is now Bone Temps, and that town is messed up LIK WO. Maryann made a meat tree, and Maxine turned into a Wii-playing maniac. Jason decides IT IS WAR, and the town is after Sam, who hides in a freezer with Andy. (Oh, yeah, and Sookie has a cousin named Hadley who disappeared from rehab. Or something.) Maryann PWNS Sookie, then Bill TRIES to PWN Maryann but gets PWNED for his trouble, but in the end Sookie PWNS Maryann with her magical Glowy Palm of Glowiness. Jason is HBIC and saves the day, and he, Sam, and Andy pretend to be the God Who Comes and fool the crazies when Sam shifts and disappears. Sookie and Bill team up to save Tara from the Black Eyes, and Bill realizes he needs help if they’re going to be Maryann. Jessica NOM NOMs Maxine, and Bill goes to see the Queen, but he walks in on OH NOES! A BLOODY FOOT!


So, we pick where we left off last week with Bill’s O.O face, and instead of the screams you might expect to hear when there is an OMG BLOODY FOOT, we hear OH OH OH of the sexy variety, and we see a redhead bent over the nether regions of a woman laying on a couch thing. WHUT? Bill looks vaguely uncomfortable as he says, “Is this a bad time?” Then we get the slow pan up the bloody leg, and Queen Sophie-Anne looks up and has a very disgusting bloody mouth, and her fangs looks TERRIBLE as she says THERE IS NO BAD AND THERE IS NO TIME. WANT SOME? Bill looks like he would rather chew glass, and woman on the couch goes OH one last time.

Credits. Whoa. Shortest intro ever. And I’m serious, Sophie-Anne’s fangs look like junk.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is still snacking on Maxine, and Maxine is like OOH YEAH BABY. Hoyt pulls Jessica away from her goes WTF CRAZY BITCH? Jessica says that Maxine was saying horrible things, so IT’S TOTALLY OKAY that she tried to eat her, and Hoyt looks at her like she IS crazy and says SHE IS MY MOM. SHE IS ALLOWED. WTF BORN IN A BARN WERE YOU? Which is SO true, isn’t it? Well, not the born in a barn part. Anyway, Jessica realizes at that moment that she has messed up BIG TIME, and she starts to quietly apologize. Hoyt goes to check on Maxine, and Maxine is like THAT WAS AWESOME. Jessica is still trying to make sure her boyfriend is still her boyfriend, but Hoyt points the FINGER OF DOOM at her and says OMG VAMPIRE BILL WAS RIGHT.

Maxine meanwhile is fluffing her hair and saying that she actually ENJOYED being savaged by a vampire, and Hoyt goes OMG THANKS JESS. MY MOM IS A WHORE NOW. He ushers Maxine out the front door, and what does Jessica do? Does she follow them and try to talk to Hoyt about what just happened? Does she apologize to Maxine? Does she at least try to clean the blood off of her chin? Nope, she doesn’t. She acts like what she is--a 17 year old girl--and she slams the door and SCREAMS and cries and goes AWRRGHH. Awesome, Jessica. I can see why everybody loves you.

Back at the Palace of the Eternally Tacky, Bill is sitting on the Couch of Awkward, looking exceedingly uncomfortable but still banging hot in his leather jacket. The bitey leg woman is laying on her Couch of Sexy watching Bill, and in between them is this hilariously small little pool. It looks like daytime in the room itself, and are those SANDCASTLES and SEA SHELLS I see in the background? *headdesk* Bill stands up respectfully as the Queen rejoins the party, and right away, I can see that she’s got a spot of blood on her breasty business, and it’s going to drive me crazy. The Queen says NO SEXY GIRL LEG BLOOD FOR YOU? GAY MUCH?

Then she calls Bill a snob and says how much she hates snobs and their small man-parts(?) and then she notices that stray spot of blood on her breasty business and she wipes it off and sticks her finger in her mouth like YUM. Only now the spot is smeared, and THIS SCENE IS RUINED FOR ME because I will not be able to pay attention to ANYTHING except that smear of blood on the Queen’s supposed upper girl parts. I say supposed because AHAHA she so obviously has the chicken cutlets in, and if you are reading this, and you are a less-endowed girl, don’t get angry. We girls with huge upper girl parts secretly envy you.

ANYWAY. The Queen looks down at sexy girl on the couch and goes GTFO. Sexy girl leaves, and the Queen asks if Bill has eaten anything. Bill says no, and Sophie-Anne tells him she got a new Latvian boy on her court that Bill simply MUST try. Then he goes on about how he’s not polluted like other humans, and how the boy tastes like people did right after she was turned, until the Industrial Revolution “fucked everything to hell.” (Wait WHUT? Are they trying to say she’s less than 300 years old? HI NO. Or am I misunderstanding? The Queen is a little older than Eric in the books, but this is the SHOW after all and the SHOW doesn’t care about source material.) It is with that sentence that my hatred for Sophie-Anne is sealed. I don’t like the actress, and I don’t like this portrayal. I KNOW, I KNOW THESE AREN’T THE BOOKS. But Sophie-Anne in the books is amazing--she’s regal, she’s proper, she’s a freaking 1100 year old badass vampire queen who looks 15 years old and conducts herself with class. THIS WHORE that we’re seeing…YEAH, NO. So yes, Alan Ball, you have annoyed me. BIG TIME.

ANYWAY, Bill politely declines the Queen’s offer of Latvian boys, and Bill looks as though he just wants to run screaming from the room, and he asks her HI, how do I kill a maenad? The Queen goes UM, SCUSE? Bill says YEAH, and he tells her that Bon Temps is now zombie town, and Sophie-Anne says that means Maryann is old. Then she mentions that all the maenads are old, and Bill brings up his learnin’ from the BIG BOOK OF PLOT POINT, and the Queen says HI BEFORE THAT. Then she says ORGIES? SACRIFICE? CANNIBALS? Bill says YEAAHHH…and Sophie-Anne goes FUN! Then she proceeds to read some old Vogue magazine. Bill goes UH, HELLO? How do I kill it?

The Queen gives him the bad news that he can’t kill it. Apparently, since Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, that means she’s is. WHAT? It’s as easy as that? HEY GUYS I’M IMMORTAL AND TOTALLY RICH AND SKINNY. Guess what? That means I am! Bill is just as confused as we are, and Sophie-Anne goes REALLY, WILLIAM? Then she proceeds to give us a history lesson as she puts on even MORE make-up than she already has on which is LIKE, A LOT. She tells Bill to imagine he’s a wild young girl (BWUAHA) who is married to a douche that is also doing a 14 year old boy. I guess this is how maenads came to be. They were all sad housewives who dreamed of having sex in the mud, and then they were immortal. WHUT? Okay, it’s more than that. Sophie-Anne says that some religion came along that told them to get drunk and sleep with everybody, and Bill says SOUNDS GOOD. The part about this scene that I don’t like is the elitist dismissal of a religion, but I’ll skip that soap box for now.

Anyway, the Queen says that the maenads took the next logical steps--killing stuff--because it brought them closer to the divine. Bill goes THAT BE CRAZY, YO, and Sophie-Anne gives us at least one good quote--”Never underestimate the power of blind faith.” TRUFAX. Bill mentions that when he bit Maryann he got poisoned, and the Queen says DUH because vampires can only drink human blood, and Maryann is nothing even remotely human. Bill brings up that she started out human, and Sophie-Anne counters with the fact that so did vampires. Bill looks all broody over this point, and Sophie-Anne checks her watch, lamenting that dawn is only two hours away. Then she casually says, “Shall we have sex?” Bill cuts his eyes over to her like this -_- and Sophie-Anne goes OMG KIDDING. I’M TOTES GAY FOR THE MOMENT.

Bill then gets up and starts to leave, but Sophie-Anne is like OH, PLEASE STAY. Bill complains, but she says OMG SOOKIE IS FINE, and Bill STILL protests, but then she goes OMG I INSIST and she gives him crazy bitch eyes, and so he wisely sits back down. RUH-ROH. Then she looks around and says that Bill hasn’t told her if he likes her new day room. Bill sort of looks around and goes “It’s lovely” in a voice that says he agrees with me in the notion that it is THE MOST HIDEOUS ROOM EVER. I can say that because I HAVE A LIGHTHOUSE BATHROOM, so I KNOW HIDEOUS.

Back at Lafayette’s International House of Crazy, Tara is pacing around and whining about going to get Eggs, and it’s obvious that Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae have had ENOUGH. Sookie says that they’ll go once Bill gets back with his maybe kinda possible information about how to beat Maryann. Tara reminds Sookie that she has risked her life 8 billion times for Bill so how come she can’t? All the cool girls are doing it! Lettie Mae says it’s better if she doesn’t go, and then we hear wild screams from outside, and Lafayette says that Maryann is a-comin’ for Tara, and he runs into his bedroom and gets a big ass gun.

Tara continues to plead her case that’s she’s finally found a strong (murderer), beautiful (homophobic), good (MURDERER) man who loves her, and how do you think she’ll feel if something bad happens to him! Lafayette brings up the fact that Eggs beat Tara up, and yes, I do agree that it wasn’t entirely Eggs fault, but still. Lettie Mae goes WTF, and Tara tries to explain, but it’s no use. YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO DRUG ADDICTS WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY NEED MORE DRUGS. Sookie and Co. know this. Lafayette decides the only way is by force, and he tells Sookie to get the handcuffs out of his back pocket. Sookie pulls them out, and they have PURPLE FUR, and Sookie goes o.O. Lafayette handcuffs Tara to his coffee table, and that’s when Tara shows her true colors. In the span of 30 seconds, she calls Lafayette a fucking freak who will never find love, tells Lettie Mae she doesn’t want her to be happy because she never was, and tells Sookie she had to settle for a dead man.

WHOA. TARA. Sookie’s response is the appropriate one, and she says, “Wow, that’s supposed to get me on your side?” Tara, you are walking on thin ice with me. I warn you. The screaming starts up again outside, and Lafayette decides to go stand on guard duty in case Maryann shows up. Sookie asks him if he thinks she will, and Lafayette replies, “All I know is if it’s supernatural, and it wants you, it ain’t gon wait for you to come to it.” LIKE ERIC, YOU MEAN? LAFAYETTE, DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ERIC? Sookie’s like TRU DAT, and when Tara gives her the evil eye, she decides to go outside with Lafayette. Lettie Mae sits down on the couch and starts busting out crying, and I’m with Tara for a moment when Tara says OMFG REALLY?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Team Bromance are discussing Sam’s ability to shape shift, so I guess THAT’s different from the books. HI, remember the big reveal in Book 9? Whatever. Jason thinks that Sam being a shifter is awesome, but Andy is like HELLO? MAENAD TO KILL? (It’s hilarious to point out that Sam says he has to IMPRINT on an animal to shift into it, and I die a little inside. IMPRINT? Gag me.) Sam tells Andy that they can’t deal with Maryann. Jason asks about going and getting the police, and Andy says HI POLICE, and then realizing that Andy is the sucky police, he says that THEY have to be the police. He says he read a book about it. He says that this is “Armageddon” and it’s “the oral history of the zombie war.” WORLD WAR Z REFERENCE FTW. You have no idea how pleased I was when I heard that! Anyway, that means that they need guns. A LOT of guns.

Sam breaks in and says HI she is IMMORTAL, and the devil zombies are the townspeople, so they can’t start killing them, though really, a lot of them could get killed and I wouldn’t be sad. Jason gets all deep and says something like “sometimes you have to destroy something to save it” and according to him, that’s in the Bible or the Constitution. OH, JASON. I LOVE YOU. Just then, there is some whispering outside, and Sam turns to see two little heads peeking up into his window. They’re Arlene’s kids (I know because I have DVR and I paused it to see), and Sam goes chasing after them as they run into the woods. They finally come out when Sam calls them, and they ask him if their mom is there, and HI, will he make them some lunch because they’re starving. It’s a really sad moment because YEAH I never stopped to think about the fact that all the devil zombies have kids, and WHO IS WATCHING THOSE KIDS.

Jason and Andy come outside and tell Sam that they’re going to the sheriff’s department to get some guns, and Sam reminds them that they are idiots. Jason says WHATEVS, and Sam says YOU WILL GET YOURSELF KILLED. Jason does not care. Andy has a moment of hesitation, but Jason reminds Andy that he has been to A LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE, and so that makes him qualified to make decisions. Sam just says WHATEVER, IDIOT, and yes, it’s true. The short-lived Team Bromance is breaking up. Jason got Andy in the divorce, and Sam just goes WHATEVER some more and takes Arlene’s kids into the bar while Jason RUNS INTO A TREE, and then he and Andy get in the truck and drive away.

Back at Ruby Ridge, Lafayette is standing guard on the porch acting like a squirrel on meth, and Sookie is sitting at a little table going PLEASE SIT DOWN. She gets a text on her phone from Bill, but it came FIVE HOURS AGO OMG, and as she checks it, she mentions that she will be getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette goes O.O YOU ARE WORKING FOR MY BOYFRIEND ERIC? Sookie says yes and then notes that the text says Bill isn’t coming home, and Lafayette says, “Well, then I guess we better not plan on him saving us.” YES, THAT IS A GOOD BET. I love you, Bill, but you do have a tendency to get sidetracked and held hostage by crazy bitches.

Inside the house, we launch into probably the worst scene in the history of this show. Tara is trying to persuade Lettie Mae to let her out by saying all kinds of terrible things that she knows will get to her mother. She starts talking about Jesus and the Devil, and IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU’LL DO THIS. I just want to SCREAM. Tara is on my shitlist for this episode. I cannot BELIEVE she would lower herself to this point FOR A MAN. She is doing all of this FOR A MAN. This shows how truly pathetic Tara is. She is so starved for love and attention that she will alienate her friends, emotionally destroy and manipulate her mother, and risk her life FOR A MAN. That is not love. That is INSANITY. Fuck this. Tara says all kinds of mean things, and so Lettie Mae drops down and starts to pray as Tara starts to cry. Whatever.

Outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head, and Sookie gets all distant and glassy-eyed and says it was a CRAZY PLACE, YO where anything can happen and you can feel your guts getting bigger and there’s an emptying feeling, and IT IS GREAT AND TERRIBLE. And Lafayette is like SIGN ME UP.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is feeding Arlene’s kids, and they ask him what’s wrong with their mom. How do you explain to kids that their mom is a devil zombie that just wants to have sex and cut out hearts? Sam doesn’t. He just says that Arlene’s not feeling well, and he asks the kids if Arlene has been sick in front of them, and they say SHE IS NOT SICK, SHE IS CRAZY. They mention her kissing Terry and doing “other gross stuff” and that alarms me, and then they ask Sam if they can get her a doctor or somebody to fix her, and Sam goes UH, WELL, and that is when the boy kid goes LIKE A VAMPIRE. And the girl kid goes YEAH LIKE VAMPIRE BILL. Now, why these kids think a vampire would know what to do, I don’t know but I don’t care because HA HA HA, Sam still thinks that Bill is in Dallas, and there is only ONE OTHER vampire he knows. BWUAHAHA. (But wait, how does he know Eric? From that one time he came into the bar and roughed up the customers and passed out coupons? This makes them BFFs?) WHATEVER. IT MEANS ERIC.

Back on the Porch of Girltalk, Sookie asks Lafayette how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever. When Sookie asks how that is possible, Lafayette says HI My Boyfriend MADE me drink his blood. Sookie goes OMG ME TOO HE TRICKED ME. Lafayette says, “Somebody need to slap that bitch.”

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE RIGHT THERE. LAFAYETTE IS THE WINNER.

Sookie mentions that she did slap him, and then she casually asks him if he’s had any, oh, I don’t know, dreams about Eric. Lafayette goes O.O and asks her how she could know that. (YAY! They closed a plot hole that everybody will not stop talking about! You got your answers, NOW SHUT IT.) Sookie asks him what kind of dreams they are, and Lafayette goes HE IS IN MY BRAIN AND THEY ARE SEXY SEXY DREAMS. That fact scares the crap out of him because he HATES Eric. Riiiight. Lettie Mae comes busting out of the house crying just then, and tells them that Tara is saying horrible things, so she wants to keep guard instead of watching Tara.

It’s at this point that I started screaming at my TV going DON’T DO IT! Nobody ever listens to me though, and after some witty banter about how Lettie Mae was the one who taught Lafayette how to shoot so YES she can handle a gun, Lafayette turns it over. Just as soon as he does, Lettie Mae yells GOT THE GUN, TARA, and Sookie and Lafayette go *FACEPALM* Lettie Mae tells them they’re going to let Tara out, and when they refuse, she fires the gun into the air, which sends Lafayette cowering behind a lawn chair into another PTSD freak out. Sookie practically molests him as she attempts to comfort him, and she goes LETTIE MAE WTF? She tells Sookie she has a chance to win her daughter back, so she is going to take it, so OMFG GO UNLOCK HER. Sookie goes to get the keys, and she notices an exceptionally large ashtray within grabbing distance, but she leaves it be and goes into the house to let Tara go.

When she does, Lafayette is left alone, and then…THEN…OMFG, my dears, THEN. Remember that time that Andy Bellfleur was yelling at Lafayette, and Lafayette started to hallucinate? YES? WELL THEN, BUCKLE UP, BITCHES. THAT SHIT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

Lafayette turns back, and ERIC IS WEARING LETTIE MAE’S CLOTHES. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. Eric is standing there, in Lettie Mae’s clothes, with Lettie Mae’s voice, holding the gun, and Lafayette goes O.O as we go OMFG BWUAHAHA. On a personal note, I go PHWOAR because OMG ASKARS ARMS. HIS MUSCLEY, ONLY SLIGHTLY HAIRY, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT ARMS.

*THUD*

It’s really interesting how Askars can make his mouth look like he’s saying the lines JUST like Lettie Mae says them, just like he did when he was Eric!Andy. It’s just blows me away, and it shows that Askars is the best, most greatest, wonderful man in the universe. Anyway, Eric!Mae starts talking about how Lafayette’s mom hates him, and how he won’t let Lafayette keep him and Tara apart, but then it turns into Eric‘s voice, and he says, “And that’s why I’m gonna hafta kill you.” And he cocks the gun …

…AND MY SOUTHERN BELLE OVARIES ASPLODE. GUNS MAKE US WANT TO HAVE BABIES. It‘s a genetic flaw. SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRES with GUNS in DRAG make us want to leave our families and our homes and our jobs and join a commune of faithful worshippers of said magnificent creature, where we promise to have his VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE BABIES, even though they will karate chop their way out of our bellies and probably be drunk and wear horns and try to kill us. WE DO NOT CARE. WE WILL DO IT FOR HIM, OUR HOLY MASTER--ERIC, KING OF ALL THE WORLD.

Back now. He crouches down and aims the gun with his cheek all resting against it so cute-like, and then Eric looks so sweet and tells Lafayette that he thought he wanted to be a vampire, and how he feels with his blood inside him (PHWOAR) is how it feels to be a vampire, but it’s like that x A MILLION. Then he says “Goodbye, sweetheart.” I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD.

LOOK! I’m the savior for I have risen from the dead to give you my HOLY WORD. (Bwuaha, blasphemy is HILARIOUS. :D) Tara and Sookie come out of the house then, and Sookie goes WTF DID YOU DO TO HIM as Lafayette is freaking out more than ever, and she goes back over to molest comfort him. Tara takes off to get in the car, but she has to stop and come back and get Sookie’s keys, giving Sookie the opportunity to tell her that she’s a fucking idiot. Tara gets in Sookie’s car and takes off at top speed to go save Eggs.

At the same time, what’s left of Team Bromance is pulling up in front of the sheriff’s office, and Jason is asking if Andy thinks Sam ever turned into a dog and did it with a girl dog, and Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. Everlee Mason is running across the lawn of the place in her underwear, and then Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN. They go inside and find that secretary girl who is a black-eyed crazy, and all she wants to do is get it on with Jason. Jason agrees, and Andy goes SRSLY? But Jason reveals it’s just his plan to keep the whore busy while Andy goes and gets the guns. Riiiiight.

Andy goes into the back and starts getting the guns out of the weapons locker, but then OH NOES! Somebody starts shooting at him! Andy turns around and IT’S SHERIFF BUD…in his underwear. He asks Andy to dance with him, and then they proceed to start square dancing until Bud says he has to go do number 2 and runs off. Andy goes WTF and then ZOMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL.

Back at Lafayette’s PTSD Recovery Center for the Terminally Fabulous, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is freaking out, and Sookie screams HE IS TRAUMATIZED. Lettie Mae says OMG ME TOO. Then Sookie starts whispering in Lafayette’s ear and tells him when she makes her move, he needs to get the gun when Lettie Mae drops it. Lafayette agrees, and Sookie convinces Lettie Mae to lower the gun. When she does, Sookie picks up that big ashtray from earlier and chucks it right at Lettie Mae’s head. She drops the gun, Lafayette gets it, and they run off and get into Lafayette’s car. Lettie Mae just keeps screaming IT’S NOT MY FAULT from the porch. YES, IT IS. But really, couldn’t Sookie have hit her in the stomach or something? The head? That’s cold, Sook.

Now we see that Sam is sitting with Arlene’s kids in his car outside of Fangtasia. WIN. The girl kid starts asking if Sam knows their dad, and this whole part makes me really uncomfortable, but we find out that the kids’ dad was named Dwayne and that he tattooed Arlene’s name on his stomach. I SMELL FORESHADOWING. Just then, Sam sees Ginger heading into Fangtasia in her hooker heels and coochie-cutter shorts, and he jumps out and runs up to her. This, of course, makes Ginger scream her hilarious scream, and has she always been covered with gross vampire bites? I’ve never noticed it before. Anyway, Sam tells her that he needs to see Eric, and Ginger says DUH he won’t be here until after dark, and Sam goes -_- but bribes Ginger into letting him and the kids come inside to wait. YES, BRING THOSE KIDS INTO ANOTHER BAR, SAM. Fantastic baby-sitting.

Now we’re traveling down the Back Roads of CGI Fail, and Lafayette is like this O.O driving the car and holding the gun, and Sookie finally says that he has to SUCK IT UP, and if the time comes, he has to shoot Maryann IN THE HEAD. Got that? SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD.

Back at the House Formerly Known as Sookie’s, Tara is creeping up into the place, and she sees Eggs sitting at the table. She rushes over to him, but OH NOES, he still has the black eyes. She tries to get him to leave with her, but TOO LATE. Maryann shows up and goes O HAI. Tara tells her to let them go, but Maryann goes UM, NO, you called me. Apparently, when Tara got the exorcism, that Mini-Tara was actually Maryann because Tara summoned her, and Lady VooDoo wasn‘t the vessel but she had to try anyway. Um, WHUT? Is anybody else buying this? Let’s just let this one go, shall we?

Tara freaks out, but Maryann decides to do the hippy hippy shake. Tara puffs out her chest and tells Maryann that won’t work on her anymore. Maryann then decides to take another route, and she reaches back and punches Tara right in the face. OH NOES, it works because Tara has the black eyes again, and she hugs Maryann like YAY I’M HOME, and Tara and Eggs run off together, reunited in their Black-Eyed Crazies love. *SIGH*

Just then, Terry, Arlene, Creepy Mike Spencer, Jane Bodehouse, and some random skank come in, and they are carrying Sam’s clothes, and they go YAY! WE DID IT! Maryann stops and goes DID WHAT? And they say that the God Who Comes came! WOOOO! Naturally, Maryann says WHAT? They tell her all about the Jason!God and how he smote Sam, and all that’s left of Sam is his clothes! YAY! Maryann then looks as though she is going to eat every single one of them and she goes OMFG IDIOTS, and then she makes this crazy sound that even makes MY teeth hurt through the screen, and all of the devil zombies go running for their lives. Maryann then says OMFG NOW I HAVE TO DO IT.

Back at the Crazy Town Sheriff’s Department, Jason is trying to talk to Random Skank about weapons, but all she wants to do is blow him. *headdesk* Jason says he would never take advantage of a woman who was all messed up, but their hilarious conversation is interrupted when some random cop sticks a gun to the back of Jason’s head and suggests they play Russia roulette. Luckily, Andy comes to save the day, but then HE GETS SHOT FOR HIS TROUBLE. ANDY…NOOO! Jason wrestles the gun away from Random Cop Kevin and prepares to shoot him to avenge the death of his beloved Andy when beloved Andy goes YAY NOT DEAD and shows him the Kevlar vest he wisely put on. YAY! Jason asks if there’s one for him, but Andy says no.

Judging by the sight of some HILARIOUS old pictures, we are back at Maxine Fortenberry’s House of Horrible Cooking, and she is making some insane dish for “the big day.” That dish includes potato chips, Snickers bars, and what looks like cheese. Then she adds hot sauce, and we throw up a little. Hoyt is like WTF MOM, and he tells her that she is not going anywhere, and that was obviously the wrong thing to say. It’s terrible exposition time for Hoyt, and Maxine tells him a slew of awful things, including how his dad was NOT killed defending his family from a burglar. He killed himself, actually, and Maxine lied so they’d get insurance money. Poor Hoyt. We can label him traumatized now.

Back at Casa de Naked Dancing Guy, Sookie and Lafayette are watching the house from a distance, and Sookie is going on about how all of the people are defiling Gran by being in the house and being naked and crazy. She then makes one of the worst comments I’ve ever heard (thank you Alan Ball for that beautiful bit of writing) and she says that almost getting raped in Dallas was not as bad as people messing up her house. WHUT. Lafayette tries to comfort her by saying that the people aren’t themselves, and then Sookie says she should have known because Maryann was thinking weird foreign thoughts the first time they met. She asks Lafayette why people suck and do terrible things, and Lafayette tells her it’s because people are weak. Sookie then has this beautiful moment where she becomes everything we have wanted her to be, and she tells Lafayette that she is NOT weak, and she is NOT afraid, and it is time for AN ASS-KICKING.

Then of course that moment is ruined when we see Arlene and Terry in a tree, and Arlene says they are trespassing, and they have to pay a fine. The two of them jump out of the tree like freaking NINJAS, and Arlene says the fine is “100 million dollars and your pants” as she points to Sookie, and she and Terry advance on them. Guess what? Drug dealer Lafayette to the rescue! He throws a bag of prescription medication at them like chicken feed, and Sookie escapes and runs into the house. Arlene and Terry are really hilarious in this scene even as they are terrible.

HAPPY HOUR AT FANGTASIA and Eric is…a Playgirl model? BWUAHA, WTF? He’s like stretched out on some bench all HEY BABY BABY, but he’s wearing a suit, so we can forgive him. In fact, I will be perfectly willing to be impregnated with his children on that couch. Pam, on the other hand, BWUAHAHA. WHAT THE HELL? I have NO idea what she is wearing. It’s like some sparkly vinyl jumpsuit thing, and her hair and make-up are atrocious, and for the first time, Pam looks a bit haggard. Whatever, she is still HBIC.

Anyway, Sam is there with the kids, and he is like HELP, and Eric asks him why he should help a shifter. Sam says that someday he might be able to give him something he needs. Eric immediately goes CAN YOU GIVE ME SOOKIE, and Pam rolls her eyes while Sam goes EWW, NO. Arlene’s kids are watching Eric like this O.O, and Eric leans forward and tells Sam that he’s not known for his vampire friendly attitude. Sam says HELLO the world is about to end in Bon Temps, so it’s time to start trusting each other. (Eric is the LAST person anyone should trust, actually.) Eric finally relents and says that he doesn’t know the maenad, but it must be the Bull Man Thing. Pam mentions that it owes her a pair of shoes. Sam says HELP THEN? Eric says he might know somebody who MIGHT be able to help. MIGHT. (Um, the Queen? Thanks for joining the party, Eric!)

Arlene’s boy kid suddenly goes CAN WE SEE YOUR FANGS, and Eric pops a fang for them. (His fangs are so pretty, UNLIKE Sophie-Anne’s fangs of fail.) Girl kid is like EEP, and Eric’s like DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES? And he’s staring at her in a creeper way, and Sam goes ERIC WTF. Girl kid says that their almost-step dad didn’t like them, but they do. Pam chimes in and says that they make her glad she never had any kids. BWUAHA, Pam. Eric goes “Come on, Pam, they’re funny!” AND THEN HE CALLS THEM TEA CUP HUMANS AND WRINKLES HIS NOSE. *THUD*

Eww, but then…then…Pam starts talking in Swedish, and she says, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” And Eric responds, “But delicious.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Try to gloss that one over, you crazy rabid Eric fan girls! HE LIKES TO EAT BABIES.

ANYWAY. Sam is like HI CALL THAT BITCH, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has leave right away, so he’ll walk Sam out. Pam starts yelling about how she’ll smell the kids for a week, and Eric is like AHAHA. Out in the parking lot, Sam is like SO CALL ME SOME TIME, and Eric says he’ll let him know what he finds out. Then he bends down and looks at Arlene’s kids and says, “Goodnight, tiny humans” and winks at them. And then he takes off and FUCKING FLIES AWAY. FLYING ERIC. Except it was sort of lame because we didn’t really see him fly so much as take off, and he looked like Superman, so honestly, FAIL. Not impressed at all. Arlene’s kids are, though, and Sam is like OMG LET’S GO, and he looks seriously creeped out.

Back at Casa de Crazy House, Sookie is creeping up on the house, and she sees Jane Bodehouse who is singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” but she’s saying “Lo, Lo Bromios” and it is HILARIOUS. That is until she turns around and shows Sookie what she was doing, which is CUTTING OFF HER OWN FINGER. WHUT? Sookie walks past that crazy into the kitchen where she finds a naked guy taking a bath in her sink, and Creepy Mike Spencer grabs her leg and tries to molest her while saying creepy things like, “Remember when your Gran was laying here, all bloody and dead?” OMG WTF IS THIS NIGHTMARE. When Sookie tries to escape, the crazies start yelling like lunatics, so Sookie changes tactics, and she says SHHHH, and she actually LAYS DOWN AND SPOONS WITH MIKE SPENCER who continues to be very, very creepy. Excuse me while I go and throw up.

Finally, we get back to the beach…OH WAIT, it’s NOT the beach. It’s Sophie-Anne’s House of Fail, and she, Bill, and some random girl I assume to be Hadley--yes, Sookie’s cousin Hadley--are all in their bathing suits by the pool. AHAHA WHAT IS THIS SHOW? There are a bunch of people in various states of undress on the other side of the pool, and we can assume this is her “court.” I really despise how this portrayal of her is so cheapening the awesome way that Charlaine Harris has set up the vampire government. Sophie-Anne is in a position of power, someone who is to be respected because she governs her people fairly and keeps the peace. Instead, we see a decadent, self-absorbed trendy BRAT, and I could SCREAM. ANYWAY.

Sophie-Anne asks Bill what he’s in the mood for, and Bill goes NONE FOR ME THANKS. The Queen says she needs him in top form FOR THEIR YAHTZEE GAME, and then Bill casually mentions he only drinks from Sookie. Hadley looks up when he says that, so I’m guessing that she didn’t know about Bill and Sookie, and the Queen goes WTF? WHY? She calls over who I assume is the Latvian boy, and Bill is like OMG I HAVE TO GO, but the Queen tells Bill DRINK, and Latvian boy blinks cutely at Bill and says, “I will have the sex with you.” BWUAHAHAHA. Oh, Show, you slightly redeem yourself. Bill finally gives in and bites the kid, and the Queen is like PHWOAR MAN-SEX.

Back at Casa de Meat Tree, Lafayette is creeping up to the house, when suddenly, OH NOES, Maryann and Carl show up behind him. Maryann’s talk about some crap herb or something, and Lafayette is like I KEEL YOU BITCH, but Maryann just keeps on coming, and so Lafayette pulls the trigger. Only…Maryann puts up her hand and deflects the bullet…RIGHT INTO CARL’S HEAD. NOOOO! CARL!! Sadness. Lafayette is like O.O, and Maryann goes HMM, YOU COOK, RIGHT? AHHHH! NOOO! LAFAYETTE!!

It’s YAHTZEE time, and the Queen hates threes, and finally, Bill has had enough. He gets up to go, and as he does, the Queen starts in about maenads and what they are all about. Apparently, they’re trying to call for the God Who Comes, but they’ve been sucking at it for centuries because they can’t get the right recipe and they need just the right vessel. The best vessel, obviously, is a shape shifter or a were because maenads don’t want vampires due to their lack of a beating heart. Anyway, when this God That Comes shows up, he will ravish and devour the maenad and that’s their ultimate goal. HI WHUT? The important part of this story is that the only time that Maryann can be killed is when she willingly surrenders herself to the God Who Comes AND now it’s obvious why Maryann has been after Sam. HE IS THE VESSEL! OH NOES!

Just then, some random bodyguard WHO BETTER NOT BE ANDRE, interrupts the party, and Hadley and Bill have a chat. Hadley asks how Sookie is, and Bill tells her she’s great, and then Hadley asks about Gran, and Bill goes YEAH, UM. It’s a terribly awkward and ironic moment, and I love the show for it. The Queen comes back and says that Eric is there, and Bill goes -_- TIME TO GO. Then Sophie-Anne makes me like her for about five seconds when she says, “This alpha male posturing…you two really should just fuck each other and get it over with.”

AHAHAHAHAHAH I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR MONTHS.

On Bill’s way out, the Queen is like CAN’T WAIT TO MEET SOOKIE, and Bill goes -_-. Uh ohs. As Bill is heading out the door, Eric is heading in, and Bill goes WHY ARE YOU HERE, and ERIC HAS MESSED UP CRAZY HAIR. I AM DEAD AGAIN. Eric says he’s there to figure out how to kick a maenad’s ass, and Bill is like WHY? SO SOOKIE WILL LOVE YOU? Eric just casually fixes his hair as he asks “Billy” if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill goes NO, LAME-O. He says it’s desperate that Eric would trick her into drinking his blood just she’d find him attractive, and Eric goes AHAHA LIKE YOU? AND Bill did it the first night they met. First Bill goes WTF HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? Eric doesn’t answer that question, and Bill counters with saying he did it to save her life. “Isn’t that convenient,” Eric answers.

Uh oh, it’s about to be a catfight. Bill says STAY AWAY FROM SOOKIE, and then he pulls out the trump card, that one I mentioned last week. Bill tells Eric to stay away or he’ll tell the Queen about Eric having humans sell V for him. Eric goes VERY still and he has a hint of an OH SHIT look in his eyes. “You wouldn’t,” he answers, and Bill says, “I won’t as long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.” Eric reminds Bill that he doesn’t like threats, and Bill says ME EITHER and he dramatically stalks away, leaving Eric to go o.O and walk into the Palace of Tacky. Guys, I have to say…Bill won that round. No doubt about it.

Somewhere on the edge of Sookie’s property, Jason and Andy pull up, and they eat Special K bars (HEY, I EAT THOSE) for carbs. Then we get down to it. We find out the reason that Andy hates Jason. It’s because Jason has had it easy--football, popularity, women. And Jason is like OMFG WTF? He has knee problems, he has to work out and watch porn to learn sex abilities. Jason smacks him down and tells Andy all about how horrible his life has been--dead parents, no money, murdered girlfriend, etc. Jason says it doesn’t matter if they like each other, though. They have received the calling to save the town, and that is why they have to bury the hatchet. Then the Bromantic Duo make up and decide that the town full of crazies are still American crazies, and that means something, so they clasp hands, they get their weapons, and they move out.

Over at the Trailer of the Vessel, Sam is sitting on his steps looking all pensive, and then out of nowhere, Bill vampires up and looks at him in a very Edward Cullen-stalker type way. Sam just goes O.O Hmmm…

Back in the Kitchen of Molestation, Creepy Mike Spencer is still being creepy and molesting Sookie, but Sookie has had enough of this. She tells him to skip the foreplay so they can just do it, but she wants to be on top. Creepy Mike Spencer is like HEY BABY BABY as Sookie climbs on top of him, but he is like UGH UGH UGH when Sookie grabs a pot and beans him on the head with it. SOOKIE FTW! She goes up stairs and peeks into Tara’s bedroom, but it’s not Tara she finds. It’s some guy wearing one of her dresses who says, “Too much?” Sookie just closes the door because WHUT and then she hears glass breaking from up the hall. Naturally, she follows the noise of violence and death, and what she finds is Tara and Eggs in Gran’s old room, and they are breaking EVERYTHING and the room is a mess. It makes me so SAD that they’re breaking Gran’s stuff, and when Sookie is like WTF Tara says it’s for the nest.

The nest? WTF IS THE NEST?

Oh, it turns out the nest is ACTUALLY A NEST, and it’s on the bed and there is a HUGE egg inside of it. OMGWTF? Did Tara lay that egg? WHERE DID THAT EGG COME FROM? And more importantly, WHAT IS GOING TO HATCH OUT OF IT? Nobody said anything about an egg!

Just then, Sookie feels a tap on her shoulder, and she turns around as Lafayette says, “Where you been at?” OH NOES! HE HAS THE BLACK EYES! Sookie feels like we do, and she just screams her fool head off as we go to credits.

AHAHAH, WTF?

I won’t even go into the preview for next week except to say SOPHIE-ANN BETTER NOT TRY TO FUCK ERIC, AND ERIC BETTER NOT TRY FUCK HER BACK. THAT IS ALL I AM SAYING.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"New World In My View" aka Maryann Even makes Bill throw-up

Previously on True Blood...


Luke goes nuke, Eric is a big faker and tricks Sookie into drinking his blood, which makes Bill look like he’s going to throw up, then Sookie starts having SEXY SEXY dreams about Eric and Bill knocks the holy hell out of Eric for said tricksy business. Maryann goes to get Sam out of jail, but Sam gets Sam out of jail first, and Maryann is NOT happy. Hoyt wants Jessica to meet his mom, and yeah…that doesn’t go well. Lafayette and Lettie Mae go and kidnap Tara from Maryann, after a round of beat downs. Godric reveals that he (stupidly) gave himself to the FotS, NanFlan fires him, and Godric decides that the best way to make up for his mistakes IS TO KILL HIMSELF. *headdesk* Maryann shows up and tells the whole town BRING ME SAM, LIKE, NOW, and everybody, including Hoyt’s mom gets the Black Eyes. Sam flies (AHAH GET IT) over to Andy’s hotel room, and Andy decides that Sam being naked on his doorstep isn’t weird at all and lets him in. Eric cries like a bitch, Godric lays the Maker’s Mark on him, and Sookie stays up on the roof to watch Godric die, which is probably one of the lamest moments of this show so far, as he disappears into a puff of blue sparkly flames, and Sookie goes like this ;_;


So, we’re following Sookie down the longest hallway ever, and I suppose they had to get their money’s worth because she’s STILL wearing the picnic blanket dress. Though, she does look really really pretty in this scene. Anyway, the music is all dramatico, and she’s creeping up on a room where the door is open a little, and inside that room, is Eric who is all shirtless and hunched over, and…CRYING EVEN MORE. Really? REALLY, SHOW? Anyway, he’s crying, or at least he has been crying A LOT because there are bloody tear tracks all over his face and down his chest, and he just looks like HELL for the first time EVER in his freaking LIFE. He sort of looks all blank and zombie-like and says, “Godric is gone.” Um, yeah, he is. Gone in a big flash of sparkly blue lameness, Big E. Sookie says she knows and that she’s sorry, and then she sort of reaches down and puts her hand under Eric’s chin and makes him look up at her.

THEN SHE KISSES HIS BLOODY CHEEKS. WHUT? It’s supposed to be sweet, but honestly, all I could think was YOU ARE KISSING DRIED BLOOD. EWW, GROSS. Eric sort of looks uncomfortable for a moment as she is doing this, but then as she starts to pull away, he grabs her and pulls her back. PHWOAR. They sort of do some face nuzzling, and then they start kissing…well, Sookie starts trying to eat his upper lip, anyway. Oh, yes, how romantic. Kissing someone who is COVERED WITH BLOOD. So very sexy and romantic. Anyway, Eric lays her back on the bed, and then pops a fang. Did you ever notice that ASkars wrinkles his nose in an absolutely adorable manner when he pops a fang?
SEE?


OMG it's so cute that it almost distracts me from the weirdness of this scene. Which only gets weirder as Sookie stares up at him, and then she reaches up and touches his fang. Hello, Sookie, personal space, please? That just seems a bit intrusive, don’t you think? Plus, it’s sort of hilarious. Anyway, she’s all like OOH PRETTY FANG, and Eric is kind of like GUUUUUH when she touches it, and then she turns her head like the big neck whore she is so that he can bite her, which is when I realize that this is another dream because HI NO.

And, it is, and Sookie wakes up all O.O, and she’s riding in some kind of van with Jason who goes o.O and asks her what she was dreaming about. Turns out they’re in some sort of airport van thing, and Bill is behind them in the back in his Anubis Air pod, and they’re on their way back to Bon Temps. Jason starts talking about how when he used to go away on football trips and when he got back home, things weren’t like he left them. Sookie reminds us that she’s a little sheltered girl who has never left home before, and Jason starts to say something else, but then he goes O.O, and we hear an alarm going off somewhere outside the van and its elevator music which is playing softly in the background.

HOLY CRAP the sign that says WELCOME TO BON TEMPS now says WELCOME TO BONE TEMPS, complete with a penis drawn on it and the words FUCK OFF. Oh, Show. You never disappoint me with the lulz. But then again, WTF? What has happened to this town? The place is trashed, and as they pass, they see some guy beating his head against a pole. At first I thought he was getting busy with it, but thankfully, no. Then all the sudden, there’s a big THUD and breaking glass, and OH NOES, the van driver has hit some people! Everybody jumps out of the van, and the people who got hit are all bloody and going AHAHAHAHAHA WOOOOO and taking off their clothes. Sookie asks them if they’re okay, and then Sookie and Jason see the Black Eyes, and the people just say WOOOO GOTTA GET SAM! WOOOO IT’S ALMOST TIME WOOOO! And Sookie and Jason go o.O

Credits.

Let me preface all of this by addressing something that I’ve already seen all over the place. Why are Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, and Andy not affected by the Black Eyes power? First, there’s the question of if it’s just in the town, or if you have to be present when the Black Eyed Madness starts. Lafayette and Lettie Mae were in the room when Tara and Eggs got them, so that might suggest no, but it might also just be the Maryann is able to control Tara and Eggs much easier. Other people have argued that it’s because Lafayette has had Eric’s blood and Lettie Mae is religious, so they can’t be affected. I’m not sure about that. A lot of people have had vampire blood, and they still seem to be Black Eyed crazies. And Lafayette has always seemed sort of…different, though we can pretty much say he’s not supernatural in any way. Sookie might be protected because of her mind-reading powers, but there are other reason that she and Jason are protected that don’t come to light until well into the books, so I won’t go into that for spoilery reasons. Let’s just say they have might have natural immunity. And if you‘ll remember, Andy DID have the Black Eyes at a few parties he went to, but lately, he hasn‘t been hanging out with the devil zombies, so I guess that does mean you have to be present to get them when Maryann flexes her powers. The whole thing is a bit weird, and I suppose we’ll have to wait to see.

Anyway, back to the show. Over at Casa de WTF IS THAT? It’s like a big tree altar thing made of MEAT and vegetables. Maryann is climbing up a ladder to work on it, and we see flowers and bones and squash and MEAT in this thing, and there are flies buzzing all around, and it is DISGUSTING. WTF. Eggs is there helping her, like this is the most normal thing in the world, and Carl shows up with a bird on a tray, and she’s all like YAY FEATHERS. In the background, there are guys carrying wheelbarrows in and out of the house, and there’s a guy washing her car, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Maryann orders MORE MEAT and she wants expensive meat because this meat tree is for somebody OMG SO IMPORTANT, oh, and there are people bringing them something living to sacrifice BWUAHA. It’s also interesting to note that Eggs has the Black Eyes. Formerly, it seemed like when people had the Black Eyes, they were just mindless zombies going UUUUGHHH and ERRRGGGH and doing it all over the place. Obviously, they can function now and do household chores.

Over at Motel Sleaze, Sam is huddled down in Andy’s hotel room, jumping at every sound and generally just freaking out, and I believe he’s wearing Andy’s clothes. Andy comes in just then carrying some stuff, and he tells Sam that everybody is gone, and Sam makes sure to check Andy’s eyes. Andy has brought Sam’s clothes from the jail, and some liquor, of course, and he tells Sam that the whole sheriff’s office is empty, the town is destroyed, and people are peeing in the street. Meanwhile, Sam is changing his clothes, and I don’t even CARE what Andy is saying because NAKED SAM. But sadly, not naked, and he tells Andy that he knows the town has gone to shit but he has no idea how to defeat a maenad. “A may-WHAT?” Andy says, and Sam goes -_- because apparently he already filled Andy in on everything the night before, like how Maryann was to blame for the crazies, and oh, yes, SHE is the killer. Maryann is the killer, NOT Sam. She’s immortal, she has powers, and she is going to cut out his heart “so a bunch of naked people can watch.“ And Andy is like yeah, whatever, Crazy Pants, let’s kill that bitch.

Sam’s phone rings just then, and it’s Arlene. She’s hiding at Shithole Bar and Grill, and she’s crying and freaking out. She tells Sam that the crazies have Terry, and now they’re after her, and OH NOES HELP ME. Sam goes YEAH WHATEVER because he has seen Arlene at the crazy parties, but Arlene is like OMG I KNOW BUT HELP. The whole scene, she won’t face the camera, so, yeah, she’s totally still a Black Eyed Crazy, but Sam is noble and shit, and he tells her that he is on his way to help her. Silly puppy.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Jason is leaving a message on the police answering machine about the people getting hit by the car as Bill is being let out of his pod, and PHWOAR, BILL. I don’t know what happened, but he looks FANTASTIC. He looks much better than he has in the last few episodes, and his hair even looks more black, and GUH. Sookie goes over and tells Bill that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong because she can FEEL IT. Oh, yes, and SEE IT because HI the town is destroyed. This is when Maxine Fortenberry appears at the top of the stairs, and AHAHAHAH OMFG. She is a HOT MESS. Her hair is all crazy, and she’s got the black eyes, and she’s all like O HAI VAMPIRE AND VAMPIRE LOVER. Bill, Sookie, and Jason go WTF, and Maxine starts cackling just as Jessica and Hoyt come running out after her.

Bill goes JESSICA WTF, but for once, it’s not Jessica’s fault. Hoyt tries to explain about what’s been going on, and HI, he doesn’t have the Black Eyes either, so this pretty much confirms that you have to be in the room when she works her voodoo to get them. Anyway, Bill asks how long it’s been going on, and they tell him since the night before and how she’s been going on about giving Sam as a sacrifice to the god. Then Maxine makes us all throw up as she gets sexy voice and says, “Why don’t you offer yourself to me, Jason Stackhouse?” OMG BARF. Jason goes O.O as Maxine tries to kiss him, but Bill saves the day and says WTF DOES SHE EVER STOP? Hoyt says that playing the Wii gets her to focus, and once again, Bill’s Wonderful Wii, plot point extraordinaire, makes its triumphant return.

So, they set Maxine up playing the Wii (Dead Space maybe? Not sure.) while they have a chat about what’s been happening. Bill goes o.O as Maxine cusses a blue streak, and says that Maxine says god is coming? Hoyt says yes, that everybody is waiting at Shithole Bar and Grill so that they can take him to Maryann’s house. Sookie goes UM, where is that? And Hoyt has the horrible task of telling her that Maryann’s house is actually her house, and Sookie goes -_- because if there is one thing we know about Sookie it’s that she LOVES her house. Maxine starts crazy talking again how they’re going to cut Sam up and serve him like barbeque, and Sookie goes O.o and asks if anybody has been attacked by anything with claws. Hoyt says he heard that Lady VooDoo had scratches on her when she was found dead AND that Daphne had scars. Jason gets all excited about the possibility of fucking a new waitress at Merlotte’s, but when Bill says they should go talk to her, Hoyt lets them know that HI, she’s dead.

Jason is like WTF THIS IS MY TURF and he says he’s going to Merlotte’s to figure out just what the hell is happening. Bill has a big crush on the Stackhouses, so he tells Jason that if it’s the same thing that got Sookie, OMG IT’S NOT SAFE. But Jason tells him he’s not going to sit back and let monsters destroy his town. Sookie reminds him of the talk they had about using his brain, and Jason is like I AM, and there’s this hilarious war march type music playing in the background, and Jason tells them that this is the war he was training for. Sookie starts to complain, but Bill says that Jason can take care of himself, so Sookie lets him go, and she and Jason hug before Jason runs out the door to save the day.

Sookie then asks where Tara is, and Hoyt is like o.O Um, yeah, she’s been partying pretty hard, and that is ALL that Sookie needs to hear. She grabs her purse, and is OUT, YO, and Bill tags along. Maxine is still playing the Wii, and Hoyt asks Jessica if he should go, too. Jessica says HI, NO because that would leave her alone with Maxine, and Maxine just keeps on keeping on with her crazy self.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam and Andy are creeping up into the place, which looks totally deserted, but we know better. The bar is surprisingly clean considering the state of the rest of the town. Andy says the place is empty, but Sam does his doggy nose trick and says he can smell people. That’s when we hear insane giggling, and Arlene comes around the corner all O HAI SAM, and she has a freaking BUTCHER knife, and she’s like YAY! SACRIFICE! Then she starts some weird chant, and the place is FULL of people that were like hiding under tables and in light fixtures and shit, people that a second ago, were nowhere to be seen. Sam and Andy go EEP because they are completely surrounded, and everybody is acting CRAZY. Andy gets out his gun and fires a few shots, but this only makes the crazies laugh even LOUDER, and then Terry wrestles the gun away from Andy and kicks his ass again. Terry starts shooting up the place until he finally shoots some guy in the arm, and goes, “Aww, FUCK.” Everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS, and I think I’m sick of this storyline.

Sam and Andy escape during the momentary distraction, and they try to run to the back door, but there are crazies back there, too! They hop into the kitchen through the little order window, and all the crazies are like WE’RE GUNNA EAT CHOO. Andy grabs a bottle of liquor as Sam leads him into the walk-in freezer thing in the back, and they lock themselves in. Oh, yes, guys. Great plan. Fantastic. Outside in the kitchen, all the crazies are doing that weird chant, and then Terry, who seems to be flourishing in this post-apocalyptic setting, takes control and says YAY WE GOT HIM. PARTY TIME! He tells Jane Bodehouse to go call Maryann so she can come pick up Sam. Inside the freezer, Sam and Andy realize that they are fucked BIG TIME because they can’t kill the people outside. Those people are their friends, neighbors, and cousins, so yeah, NO KILLING. Meanwhile, Jane Bodehouse goes to call Maryann, but instead, she calls one of those FOR A GOOD TIME CALL numbers instead. AHAHAHA.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Interventions, Tara is tied up to a chair, and she’s still got the Black Eyes, and she’s telling Lettie Mae that it BUUUURNS, and this is very upsetting to Lettie Mae, who just wants to help, and for her trouble, she gets a head butted! Awesome, Tara! It’s Lafayette’s turn next, and he sounds really scared and heartbroken, and tells Tara to get the fuck up out of there, and for HIS trouble, he gets spit on! Awesome again, Tara! She just laughs like a lunatic, and we go HOLY SHIT, TARA IS SCARY. Lettie Mae starts to pray, and we get our first glimpse of what it looks like to be a Black Eyed Crazy, and it’s sort of like looking through watery eyes. It’s very disorienting, and as Lettie Mae is praying, Tara starts to get all fidgety and bothered by it.

OF COURSE SHE DOES. OF COURSE the pagan-inspired situation is MADE ALL BETTER by praying to Jesus. *headdesk* True Blood, you are on my last nerve with this shit.

Anyway, Lafayette joins in the praying, and after they are finished, Lettie Mae is like o.O. Lafayette says, “Jesus and I agreed to see other people, but that don’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” GREAT line. Greatness, but it does not make up for the religious fuckery that has been happening on this show. Anyway, Lettie Mae says that Lafayette has been good to Tara while she, herself, has always been a rotten bitch, but Lafayette has a little emo moment and says he was too wrapped up in his own shit and he should have seen this coming. As though he could have helped. Tara meanwhile acts like a scary, crazy fucking bitch and says BWUAHAH HE’S COMING AND HE’S GONNA KEEL US.

Over at Casa de WhatUsedtoBeStackhouse, Bill and Sookie are pulling up, and they see the Meat Tree, and Bill goes WTF? Sookie says ZOMG STINKS, and they go up into the house to see that it has become like some weird tree house business. There are vines and shit growing out of the walls, and there’s dirt everywhere, and all of Maryann’s hideous statues have showed up, and OH NOES, Sookie comes in and sees that all of her pictures are off the wall, and BEFORE they even show it, I know what is coming. YES, IT’S TRUE. The Photoshop Monstrosity HAS RETURNED! Sookie stares at it all sadly, and honestly, I wonder how she is EVER going to get her house right again. This place is WRECKED.

Sookie’s phone rings, and it’s Lafayette, and she asks him where Tara is. He tells her to GTFO of her house because bad shit is going to happen, and that’s when and Bill see the Bull Head mask thing, and Sookie is like ZOMG WE GOTTA GO. They start to leave, but, of course, they run into Maryann. Maryann goes “WTF are you doing in my house?” And Sookie is like WTF BITCH THIS IS MY HOUSE. Bill tries to help by puffing his chest out and politely suggesting that Maryann GTFO, but Maryann just says NICE BOYFRIEND. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, YOU KNOW. (Note: Alan Ball, I’m going to kill you for that line. Love, Me.) Sookie goes PFFT NOT SCARY. And so Maryann straight CHOKES that bitch. When she tries to pull Maryann’s hand away from her throat, Sookie gets the little mind meldy picture things, and she sees that Maryann is the one who attacked her. OH NOES, and thanks for finally joining the party, Sookie.

Bill comes to the rescue and throws Maryann onto a couch and tells Sookie to run, and then he pops a fang and attacks Maryann, but I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. Maryann starts going OH YEAH BABY RAVAGE ME (WTF?), and Bill starts immediately like throwing up some black goo and foaming at the mouth, and Maryann is like AHAHAHAH PWN.


This is how I feel about Maryann, too. And I love this gif. FO REALZ. And yes, that is a statue of a naked man in the background, and yes, the man parts appear dangerously close to Bill's mouth.

Her blood is like greenish black, and it’s GROSS, and Sookie is trying to help Bill up, but Maryann starts to get up in Sookie’s face going WHAT ARE YOU? Just like Bill did when they first met! Maryann puts her hands all over Sookie’s face, and Sookie has had ENOUGH of this bullshit, and she smashes her hand against Maryann’s face and says NUNYA, BITCH.

AND THEN HER HAND GLOWS. HER FUCKING HAND FUCKING GLOWS, and it sort of zaps Maryann, who goes o.OO.o and Bill goes O.O, and Sookie goes O.O, and I go YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Guys, I really can’t take anymore. REALLY. Glowing hands now? I get it. I understand what it means and why it happened and all of that, but REALLY? UGH. Anyway, they take this time to GTFO, and Bill is puking up his guts with every step as Sookie drags him to her car, and Maryann is just laughing all AHAHAH WHAT ARE YOU ZOMG!

Back in the Freezer of Saddos, Sam and Andy are now freezing to death, and they’re drinking the bottle of liquor that Andy brought in for warmth. Please tell me they’re not going to start hugging. There is a big time party going on outside, and Sam starts saying how if he had left town when he wanted to, none of this would have happened. Andy is like WHATEVS. He tells him he’s been good to the town, even if he’s a sometimes nudist. BWUAHA. Sam starts freaking out about how people are going to start dying, and Andy says HI, LADY VOODOO AND DAPHNE, and Sam takes a minute to BOO HOO about how Daphne was a big liar, and Andy talks about his nanny Annie, Annie the Nanny. And then seriously, Andy starts talking about some crazy insane shit about blind people and one-eyed men and kings, and Sam actually goes WTF ARE YOU SAYING? And Andy says I HAVE NO IDEA. And we go WTF IS HAPPENING WITH THIS EPISODE.

Somewhere out the in the woods, Jason pulls up in his pick-up truck of righteousness, and it is time to GEAR UP, YO. He has all kinds of stuff, such as a nail gun, a chainsaw, and a snappy toboggan, he gets ready and sneaks into Shithole Bar and Grill. Jane Bodehouse is the only guard watching Sam and Andy’s Freezer of Fun, and Jason sneaks around and peeks out into the place, which has become…festive. Yeah, that’s about the only nice way to say it. Creepy Mike Spencer is drinking out of the tap, some girl is making some guy give her some very forceful oral sex, people are doing it on the pool tables WHILE people are playing pool. The place is just a mess. Jason goes O.O, but that would normally be his scene. Then we see a guy who is possibly snorting corn chips, and some chick covered with mustard or cheese or something that is being licked off by…GROSS FOOD SEX. I cannot handle it! Anyway, suffice it to say, this place is fucked.

Jason comes marching out with his nail gun and is like WTF PEOPLE GET OUT. Nobody listens, and they just keep on with what they’re doing, so Jason starts up his chainsaw, and still nothing. Then he goes over and freaking CHAINSAWS through the radio. The power button would have worked just fine, Jason. *patpat* This finally gets their attention, but only for a minute because then everybody goes back to what they were doing again. Jason is FURIOUS about this, and so he cocks his nail gun and gets ready to kick some ass. Some guy in a t-shirt that says THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID tries to get him, but Jason nails that guy to the bar, and he deserves it for wearing that shirt.

Jason takes Arlene hostage, and everybody starts to freak out, but then they are freaking out because they WANT him to put a nail in her head. WTF? Even Arlene is like WOOOO DO IT. Terry snaps out of the zombieness for a minute to tell Jason not to hurt his “special lady”, but Arlene says, “I need a haircut anyway, baby.” Someone explain to me what that means. I so do not get it. I need a haircut so put a nail in my head? Whatever. This gets Terry’s attention, so he asks Jason what his demands are. Jason tells them to all GTFO and then they can have Arlene. Terry agrees, and he tells everyone to LEFT RIGHT LEFT out the door. Everyone leaves, and then Jason hands her over and runs back inside.

Back in Sookie’s Car of Puke, Bill is still retching his guts up, and Sookie is like WTF IS GOING ON. Bill tells her that he’s all right, and she goes NO YOU AREN’T. NONE OF THIS IS ALL RIGHT, and then she says…”I’m calling Eric.” AHAHAHA, oh, Show. Bill immediately goes NO YOU AREN’T and hauls himself back into the car, but then Sookie mentions that she was calling Eric to get to Dr. Ludwig because Bill is fucked up LIK WO. Bill is not concerned about this. He wants to know what all that glowy palm business was about, and Sookie tells him she has no freaking idea. She also throws in that it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods, and that even though she doesn’t have any scars, she could feel her there when she touched her. HI, CREEPY. Bill goes ZOMG I WILL KEEL HER, and Sookie says GOOD, BUT HOW? This takes Bill a minute, and then he says that Tara has been under her influence, so maybe Tara can help. Bill, sweetie, Tara ain’t helping nobody do nothing. Then he’s like GIVE ME YOUR WRIST NOW BITCH, and he bites Sookie’s wrist so he can get better.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Jason lets Andy and Sam out, and they wisely check his eyes, but YAY Jason is not a devil zombie, so they come out. They realize that the doors will only hold for so long, and Jason comments that if they’re going to get out of there, they’re going to need a bigger “divergence.” That’s when Terry throws a keg and some guy through the window, and HI, that is not what Jason meant. They start to run for it again, but it’s no use. Devil zombies everywhere! Terry comes in and sits down to smoke a cigarette, and he tells them that the God Who Comes is going to get Sam AND Jason for not being cool, and Sam realizes it’s time to give up. He decides to turn himself over to save the rest of them, and the devil zombies get him and Sam does some crowd surfing as Jason and Andy go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Fun, Tara has started rocking back and forth, doing that crazy chant, and Lafayette has had just about enough of this shit, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He goes to answer it, thinking it is Sookie, but it’s not. It’s some college girl who wants to buy some V so she can get through finals week. Lafayette is like ZOMG BITCH GET OUT. Bill and Sookie pull up just then, and Bill uses his super hearing to hear what is going on, and when he hears V, he vampires out of the car to up right beside the college girl and goes GTFO NOW. Lafayette about shits a brick because OMG VAMPIRE TRAUMA, and once college girl is gone, Bill is like WTF? Lafayette IMMEDIATELY says GET OFF ME, MAN, ERIC TOLD ME TO.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Way to go, Lafayette. You just sold Eric out, and don’t you believe for a second that Bill isn’t going to rat Eric out because HE SO IS. And really, it’s no more than Eric deserves. Telling Lafayette to sell V? Really, Eric?

Anyway, Sookie runs inside, and Lafayette politely invites Bill in, and they go and check out what’s going on with Tara. Sookie is like WTF, and Lettie Mae sees Bill and goes O.O. Tara goes OMG GET OUT OF MY FACE, C-WORD. Oh, HELL NO, Tara. Sookie tries to mind meld with Tara, but all she sees is swirly blackness, and Sookie is like WTF? She tells them that Tara is totally gone, but Lafayette and Bill tell her that she has to keep trying, that she has to push farther than she ever has. Meanwhile, Lettie Mae is like WTF MIND READING? Sookie tries again, but all she gets is a few glimpses of one of the orgies, and Sookie tells them that there’s a barrier that she can’t cross.

Bill suggests that he hypnovamps her, and Lettie Mae does not like this idea, and neither does Sookie, but Bill says that if they leave her with the Black Eyes, who knows what could happen to her or them. Sookie finally agrees, and Lafayette and Lettie Mae hold hands as Bill leans in and INTENSES right in Tara’s face. He says OMG CAN YOU FEEL MY INFLUENCE DON’T FIGHT IT LET ME IN, and his voice is uber sexy as he does it, and I go PHWOAR.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, the crazies tie Sam to the top of a car, and Arlene is like THANKS SAM YOU’RE AWESOME. Then suddenly, a flare goes flying through the air, and all the crazies are like OOH PRETTY, and then we hear a voice go SILENCE! Everybody looks over, and AHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I will be laughing about this for DAYS. To us, it’s very obviously Jason in a gas mask with some flares and a pair of oven mitts or something. To the crazies, he looks ZOMG IMPRESSIVE AND SCARY and his voice is LIKE THIS ARGGGH. He jumps up onto a car and goes I AM THE GOD WHO COMES. And Creepy Mike Spencer goes UM, WHUT? Sam causally reminds them that the God Who Comes has horns, so Andy runs off to get some. OMG THE LULZ.

JasonGod goes SAM MERLOTTE YOU ARE MINE, and he tells everyone to go home. The crazies are like WHAT? And JasonGod goes, “Oh, yes. He is the…best offering ever.” And that is when I totally lost my shit because this is freaking HILARIOUS. All the crazies are like WOO WE DID GOOD, and JasonGod says something about them having good crops and NOW GTFO. Terry goes BULLSHIT THE GOD HAS HORNS, and that is when Andy holds up a TREE BRANCH behind Jason, and it looks like horns, and all the crazies go OOOOOH. Sam takes that moment to climb down off the car, and I am not kidding you, I nearly peed myself.

Sam holds his arm out all LORD SMITE ME, but Jason can’t hear him through his gas mask and such, so he asks Andy what he said, and Andy says he doesn’t know. So Sam keeps having to say SMITE ME, SMITE ME, and finally he goes SMITE ME, MOTHERFUCKER. Jason finally gets it, and he goes GRRRRARRGG I SMITE THEE, SAM MERLOTTE! And Sam starts shaking and convulsing and then POOF he is gone, and all that is left is a pile of clothes.

The crazies go OMGWTF, and even Jason and Andy go OMGWTF, and Creepy Mike Spencer investigates the clothes, and then they go YAY HE’S GONE. JasonGod tells them to tell their leader that he is very happy with his offering, and to leave, and that’s when we see Terry swatting at a very persistent fly. OH, SAM. YOU SNEAKY PETE. Terry tells the crazies to report to Maryann for debriefing, and Jane Bodehouse’s nasty self says “Anybody who wants to debrief me, can do so right now!” BARF.

All of the crazies run off, and Jason takes off his god costume, and he and Andy go WTF WHERE IS SAM? And then Sam appears wearing NOTHING but a kitchen apron and a fire extinguisher to put out the flares, and might I say, his rear end is LOVELY. Andy takes a swig from his bottle and says it’s the last drink he’ll ever take, but Jason takes the bottle, and I’m guessing the swing he takes will the first of many.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Mindfucking, Bill is still trying to hypnovamp Tara, and Sookie is behind her, hugging her for all it’s worth. They are tag team mind-melding, and Sookie is getting nothing. Bill sounds really horribly desperate and panicked, and Tara is like BACK OFF, WHITE MAN, but Lafayette tells her to listen and Lettie Mae starts praying, and Bill practically pops a blood vessel and tells Sookie OMG NOW. So Sookie does her thing, and she starts to see a little more of the crazy orgy, and when Tara and Eggs first got sucked in and were doing it, and she sees Sam, and the gross Hunter Souflee, and Tara and Eggs’ Home Fight Club, and Maryann, and just all the hideous things that have been happening, and then SLOWLY the Black Eyes start to go away until finally, THEY ARE GONE! YAY! TARA HAS BEEN SAVED!

Bill and Sookie both look totally exhausted from the effort, and Tara is like WTF? WTF! OMG! OMG! And then the poignant violins start and she and Sookie are hugging and crying, and then Tara is hugging and crying with Lettie Mae, and it’s just a big hug and cry fest, and Sookie is like I NEED OUT, YO. She goes outside, and Bill follows her, and Tara looks at Lafayette, and Lafayette just sort of waves at her. It’s really cute, and she hugs Lafayette, but then realizes OMG EGGS. She gets up and says she has to get Eggs, but Lafayette beats her to the punch and locks the door and tells her NO.

Outside on the Porch of Trauma, Sookie tells Bill that there was nothing of Tara left inside her, and how she can’t believe there are other things that can hypnotize people. Bill reminds her that humans are pretty much stupid and easy to control, which, hi, we are. Sookie realizes that all of it is coming from Maryann, and how GROSS it is that they eat hearts but now Maryann wants THEIR SOULS ZOMG! And she says OMG THAT CHANT! Bill says WHAT CHANT and Sookie repeats it, but Bill finishes it for her, and we get a quick flashback to the hilarious days of Bill’s 1930’s smoking jacket, where he was reading that book before he and Lorena got into the domestic, and IT JUST SO HAPPENS he was reading about THAT EXACT THING.

OH, AHAHAHAHAHA. I love it! HOW IS THAT FOR CONTINUITY, BITCHES?

Anyway, Bill gets the OH SHIT face, and Sookie knows what that looks means. Bill says he’s read about this crazy shit, but he assumed it was a myth. Now he thinks Maryann might be one, but Sookie only wants to know how to kill her. Bill says OMG I DON’T KNOW, but he might know a vampire who does know how. MIGHT KNOW, he repeats. But if he’s going to get there before sunrise, he has got to motor, and sorry, Sookie, since you are mortal, you don’t get to come. He tells her she can do more good by staying with her friends, and he says “Tara” like “Terror” because he’s British in real life and they have a problem with things sending with “a”. Bill knows that the only way that Sookie is going to stay is if she remembers that her friends need her, and besides is the lair of a vampire queen really any place for Sookie? Probably not. So Sookie agrees because OMG look what happened when she left the first time! YES, SOOKIE, BON TEMPS REVOLVES AROUND YOU. It’s YOUR FAULT OMG.

Bill asks Sookie if she can do the glowy palm business again, but Sookie says she doesn’t even know what it was, so probably not. Bill then tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and he makes her promise she won’t go over to her house. We know that Sookie has a history of not thinking before she does things, so she promises, then Bill kisses her goodbye, and he vampires away fast and hard enough to totally blow Sookie’s hair back. PHWOAR, BILL. PHWOAR.

Back the Old Compton Place, Maxine is trying to get out the door, but Hoyt is locking her in, and for a second, it looks like she’s trying to screw him. O.O Jessica is on the stairs totally about to lose her shit, and Maxine launches into a tirade against Hoyt that is really mean and hateful. I mean, the things that she is saying are really horrible. Hoyt is just shrugging it off, but Jessica CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OMG. Maxine just keeps on going, and Jessica pops a fang, and then IT IS ON because Jessica hasn’t eaten in days, and she FLINGS Hoyt aside like a rag doll and then totally bites Maxine all vicious like. EEP! (But of course everyone will forgive Jessica for being a vampire, even though they crucify Bill for it every week. WHATEVER.)

So now we see Bill walking up to some freaking temple thing, and there are some guys who look like extras from “The Matrix” standing outside, and they’re like YOU ARE EXPECTED, SIR. They lead him across a bridge that covers a pool, and the whole place is INCREDIBLY tacky. I mean, it’s out of CONTROL and it‘s HIDEOUS and not at all what I expected. And Bill goes into a room, and starts to say WHAT UP, YOUR MAJ, but then OH NOES, he goes O.O, and we see a dangling foot with blood dripping off of it!

CREDITS!


I have to tell you that I am really pleased with this episode. We went back to the ORIGINAL madness that made the show so likeable in the beginning. Most of the fan girls have been complaining because OMG NOT ENOUGH ERIC OH NO WAAAAH, but honestly, we need a break. We’re going to get oversaturated with Eric, and after last week, I am GLAD we only saw a few moments of him. He needs to go and mourn or whatever. In his place, we got TONS of Bill, and the Bill I know and love. Sookie was fab, and Jason…OMG JASON.

Honestly, what made AB and the producers decide to do this overblown Maryann bullshit? The storyline in the book would have been sufficient, but instead, we see less and less of Sookie and more and more of the lame wads that I don’t care about. PLUS WE WOULD HAVE SEEN THE SPANDEX PANTS ON ERIC. Anyway, the only good news is that once this season is over, NO MOAR MARYANN.

I warn you, if there is any tomfoolery in the comments about OMG I HATE BILL, I am not going to be nice about it this week. Things got sort of nasty for me last week because of these recaps, and I’d really like to not have a repeat of that. So, if you can’t have intelligent discussion and just want to go OMG BILL SUCKS, please don’t leave a comment. THIS JOURNAL IS SHIP WAR FREE. THIS IS A NEUTRAL ZONE! Otherwise, BRING IT ON!

HATERS TO THE LEFT
And Vampire Bill says...