Recap: True Blood Season 1--"Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" aka I KNOW. I WAS THERE.

First, let me take a moment to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading these recaps all season. You have no idea how much joy you have given me. This is a lot of work every week, but I do it because I enjoy it, and I love to hear from everyone with what they thought of the show. There has been some heartache, some annoyance, some anger, and some betrayal, but overall, writing these and hearing from everyone has made the last four months AMAZING for me. SO THANK YOU.

I do hope you’ll stick around, but if you were only friending me for the recaps and wish to de-friend me now, it’s totally okay. I’ve gotten to know some of you, and there are some of you I want to get to know, so I do hope you’ll stay, but if not, I will see you next season, hopefully!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SO FANTASTIC FOR ME.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, MY LOVELIES.
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.
I know I’m not winning an award or anything, but SHUT UP. I AM THANKING YOU FOR BEING THE BEST FLIST IN THE WORLD. :D

Without further ado…



Previously on True Blood…

You’ve been watching the show all season. YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Do you really need me to tell you again? I DIDN’T THINK SO.


So, Sookie is still screaming her fool head off, and Lafayette tells Tara that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg. Tara picks it up oh so carefully, and Sookie is going TARA! TARA! the whole time, but TARA TARA doesn’t listen. She and Eggs are like HE‘S COMNG YAY and she‘s carrying the egg REALLY carefully, and all I wanted to see was her drop the egg and go NOOOOOO. Anyway they take the egg downstairs, leaving Sookie alone with Lafayette. Sookie starts going LAFAYETTE SWEETIE THIS ISN’T YOU, and she reads Lafayette’s mind, but all she hears is that stupid PREPARE FOR BROWNIES, PREPARE FOR DENTURES, PREPARE FOR YELLOW FURIOUS chant, and he pushes her away and tells her to take off her clothes. EEP WHUT? Sookie goes LAFAYETTE HEY LAFAYETTE, and Lafayette busts out his badass card aka AIDS Burger, and says “I have 1,000 year old vampire blood in me, now take off yo FUCKING CLOTHES.”

Incidentally, the guy watching the finale with me said, right before the show started, “Bets on how long passes before we see Sookie’s breasty business.” He said less than a minute, and I said five, so he was technically right, even though we didn’t actually see them.

So, Sookie strips down, and Lafayette pulls out this big long white gown, then the next thing we see is Lafayette pushing her down the stairs, and when they get to the living room…OH AHAHAHAHA. WHUT? There is Maryann in a hideously hilarious wedding dress with Arlene, Tara, and Jane Bodehouse acting as bridesmaids. They are all wearing stupid crowns of ivy, and they all turn around and Maryann goes O HAI. Sookie is INCREDULOUS and we find out that it’s GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS, THAT BITCH. Sookie goes WTF, and Maryann says that Sookie is her maid of honor! YAY!

Credits.

After the credits, Sookie is struggling against Eggs, and Eggs is telling her to just let it take her, and Sookie says HELL NAW I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT. Maryann tells her to STFU, that she’s only been borrowed, to go alone with old (Jane Bodehouse), new (Tara), and blue (Arlene.) At least I hope, because if she meant blue for Tara…that shit is just wrong. Anyway, Sookie’s only concern is that Maryann has no right to wear Gran’s dress, but honestly, aren’t there bigger things at hand here? And look! Lafayette has changed into his own bridesmaid dress! YAY! Maryann says she should have asked about the dress, but she couldn’t find Sookie, and HI Sookie is probably never going to use it anyway. (BESIDES, IT IS HIDEOUS.)

Sookie just goes WTF YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY FRIENDS…AND JANE BODEHOUSE. And honestly, I wish Jane Bodehouse would get murdered. Whoever that woman is, she is the WORST actress. Anyway, Jane Bodehouse likes Sookie because she gives her extra pickles. Whatever. Maryann gets all pissy and tells Sookie to stop being so negative on “her day”. I HATE when brides to be say that. “It’s MY DAY.” Bitch, it’s Sunday, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It’s not YOUR DAY. You’re just getting married. The world does not stop for you.

Ahem.

Sookie is OUTRAGED, and she tells Maryann that she doesn’t know HOW she did all this, but she will NOT let it happen. Maryann doesn’t like this one bit, and she makes the bridesmaids and Eggs leave so she can have some girl talk with Sookie. Once they’re gone, Maryann goes BRING IT. Sookie says BRING WHAT? A VEGETABLE OR MEAT DISH? Maryann means the Glowy Palm of Glowness because it felt like Nature herself all up in her grill, and Sookie goes WTF? I DON’T EVEN. But she steps up, and it is a hilarious moment when she presses her fingers all up on Maryann’s face, then she finally gives up and shoves her. Maryann goes -_- THAT’S HITTING ME. I was screaming, “GOUGE OUT HER EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!”

Maryann says that Sookie isn’t committing enough, and Sookie goes WTF I AM NOT AN X-MAN ANYMORE. I AM HUMAN, YA‘LL. Maryann just laughs and says that if she WAS human, the hippy hippy shake would work on her, and she demonstrates that it doesn’t. She’s all SO, WTF ARE YOU?

And then I am in love with Sookie for a moment as she responds, “I’m a waitress…what the FUCK are you?”

AHAHAHAHAHA. THERE’S THE SOOKIE WE KNOW AND LOVE.

Meanwhile, across town at Maxine’s House of Bad Karaoke, Maxine is singing along with some old song and dancing in the kitchen. It’s terrifying. Hoyt has fallen asleep in a chair, and Maxine goes to sneak out with her delicious casserole when she notices this. But Hoyt is no fool. He’s tied a piece of yarn across the kitchen, Home Alone style, and when Maxine gets caught on it, it yanks up his hand and wakes him up. He goes flying into the kitchen to stop her from leaving, and she’s all LET ME GO TO THE PARTY, NORMAN BATES which I’m sure is what Hoyt has been saying to her for YEARS, except the Norman Bates part. She says OMG A GOD IS COMING HELLO, but Hoyt says they are staying home, so she hits him with her purse and tries to run. Obviously, it doesn’t work.

Back at the Stackhouse Little Chapel of Love, Maryann is telling Sookie to think back and wondering if she ever felt somebody watching over her? Sookie goes YEAH, IT WAS GOD, and Maryann goes AHAHA YES BUT NO. Then Sookie flashes back to that night when she beat up the Rattrays in the very first episode, how when she threw the chain, it actually TIGHTENED around Mack’s neck. (UM, HI, THAT WAS CLAUDINE WATCHING FROM THE WOODS, so says the deleted scene.) Sookie finally agrees that maybe possibly she isn’t all human, but what is she? Maryann says WHO KNOWS, but that she’s not outright human because she’d be able to feed off her energy if she was, and that’s rare, but not unique in Bon Temps. Then Sookie puts two and two together, and she says SAM? ZOMG YOU’RE MARRYING SAM?

This is the wrong thing to say. Maryann goes HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HUSBAND. Sam is just a wedding gift, then she gets all teary-eyed and says OH NOES I’LL SMUDGE. Sookie is like WHAT IS THIS MADNESS because Sam never did anything to her (except steal a lot of money), and Maryann says WHUT? That he appeared as a naked virgin, drawn to the statue that (incorrectly) represents her god! That means he is the vessel, DUH. HI, NO. Sam was just a hungry runaway who was looking for crap to steal. ANYWAY, Sookie is like WTF SACRIFICE? LIKE HIS HEART? Maryann says YEP. Sookie says that Sam will be able to escape, but Maryann reveals her evil plan. Once Sam realizes that Sookie is there, in danger, he’ll come running. Sookie actually has to sit down when she hears this because HI, Maryann is right. Stupid, noble Sam. Then she puts a wreath on Sookie’s head and says SO PRETTY!

Over at the Palace of the Eternally Damned and Tacky, the Yahtzee game that Bill walked out on is still going strong, but with Eric playing in Bill’s place. (This is the point when the ASkars stans started FREAKING out because OH NOES ASKARS AND ERW ARE IN THE SAME ROOM. THAT MEANS THEY ARE IN LOVE. Whatever, that whore bangs all her co-stars. At this rate, she’ll look 45 by the time she’s 30. OH WAIT, SHE ALREADY DOES AND SHE‘S ONLY 22. /rant)

ANYWAY, Eric does not look pleased to be playing Yahtzee. Obviously, his game is Mystery Date. Eric asks how long the game goes on, and the Queen says that they play to 5 million, which would be…a long time. Then she goes on one of her stupid and horribly written speeches about how Yahtzee is so great because it’s luck and losers could beat her. WHATEVER STFU NOBODY CARES.

Then after all that, she goes, OH BTW SORRY ABOUT GODRIC. THAT BLOWS. Eric looks like he’s about to puke for a second, but then he says thank you and is trying to say how kind the Queen is, but instead, she is rolling and gets another Yahtzee! Then she says YOU WERE SAYING, and Eric is VERY annoyed at this point, but she interrupts him AGAIN by mentioning the maenad in Renard Parrish. (Normally, I’d hate this whole exchange, but it does actually highlight how vampires as old as Eric and the Queen SHOULD act about their makers biting the big one. IT SHOULD BE NO BIG DEAL, definitely not something to cry big hacking sobs over.)

Anyway, she tells him about the maenad, and Eric says I KNOW. I WAS THERE. She tells him not to get involved, and that she told Bill some stuff about maenads, and MAYBE IT’S TRUE, MAYBE IT ISN’T. Then the part that the fan girls were dying over, I‘m sure. The Queen says that she thinks Bill is monogamous with Sookie, and Eric says that yes, he is in love with her. The Queen thinks this is gross and stupid, but then again, he WOULD be with HER. (Hmm, mysterious.) Then she says that Eric probably is, too. Eric pauses, looking like he’s trying to swallow the vomit that just came up, and says I DO NOT LOVE HUMANS.

BUUUUT the delusional fan girls will say OMG HE HESITATED BECAUSE HE WAS SURPRISED SHE COULD TELL THE DEPTH OF HIS FEELINGS AFTER ONLY BEING IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES! IT‘S THAT OBVIOUS HOW HE LOVES ONLY SOOKIE, SOOKIE FOREVER, HIS BRIGHT SHINING STAR IN A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS, AND HOW HE IS READY TO GIVE HER HIS EVERYTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. Mark my words. That shit is going to show up somewhere. (Note: At the point that this was written, I have not yet delved into what I am sure is a myriad of insane fan girl ramblings. )

The Queen mentions that Sookie isn’t entirely human (HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THIS SHIT? WAS THERE A MEMO?) and she asks Eric if he’s tasted her. Again with the almost puking face, and he says SADLY NO, and the Queen says OMG DON’T because all she needs is another vampire falling in love. Eric says that Bill does tend to get in trouble, and the Queen goes OH YEAH, HE DOES. She asks him how the hell Bill could know that SHE is having ERIC sell VAMPIRE BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, I have been lenient, but WTF? I have no idea what the hell is going on. WHY would she be having him sell it? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Eric says he doesn’t know HOW he could know, and the Queen is like THIS IS BAD. FOR YOU. Eric leans in really close and says that Bill doesn’t know that SHE is the one supplying it, and then the Queen LAUNCHES herself at Eric and smacks him to the ground and says HE BETTER NOT, OR I CUT YOU.

Then she randomly starts eating his face off, and the ASkars stans turn off their televisions and go start cutting themselves while listening to sad songs. At first, Eric tries to pry her off him, but then, HI, instinct takes over and his fangs pop out, and the Queen goes THERE THEY ARE, HOW PRETTY, and she sort of licks them. STOP WITH THE FANG BUSINESS. IT’S WEIRD. (And why are her fangs so ugly? I mean they are HIDEOUS. Eric’s are actually pretty. So are Bill’s, and even Lorena’s. The Queen’s are FUG, which suits her, actually, so never mind.)

Even as she’s molesting him, she tells him that even though he’s a bad ass, she could have his pretty fangs for earrings if wanted so DON’T FUCK WITH ME. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill personally. TAKE CARE OF? What does that mean? Then Eric tries to eat the Queen’s face off, but that pool boy goes AHEM IT IS YAHTZEE TIME, so the Queen gets up and resumes her seat, and Eric goes FLOP back on the ground, and I don’t know if he’s relieved because ZOMG she could have killed me, or if it’s sadness because he hasn’t gotten laid in forever. I have to think he’s relieved because he didn’t look exactly willing during all of that. THE QUEEN IS A RAPIST. He sits up, hair perfectly in place, and there is this moment of awkward where everyone looks at each other like PRETEND THAT DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN. It is MAGIC. Then Eric rolls again, and the Queen goes YOU SUCK AT THIS.

What happened to the Queen not enjoying sex with men since a long fucking time ago? And why does ERW jerk her head back when she’s putting her fangs in? I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. GTFO MY SHOW.

Ahem.

Back on the Boulevard of Bromance, Andy and Jason are walking up the road discussing their plans for attack, and Jason is telling him that they are the ones who have to save the day. Then he quotes a bunch of movies, and HILARIOUSLY says “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” OH MAN. These two. They walk up on the house, and they see the wedding going on with all the people dancing around the meat tree, dressed like hippies, and playing the bongos, and they go WTF? Andy comments that at least they aren’t naked, and TRU DAT, Andy. Sheriff Bud is apparently singing into a sausage? I’m not sure about that. Jason goes ZOMG THIS IS STACKHOUSE PROPERTY, FOOLS. Andy stops him from running in because HI, they are out numbered. Jason pulls out the guns, and Andy says that he’s never killed anybody before, and Jason says , and Jason says WHO CARES. THIS IS MY FAMILY’S PLACE. They take off all CHARGE…and immediately get captured by the devil zombies. Andy goes first and gets the black eyes, and then OH NOES, Jason gets them, too, and then proceeds to make out with an old lady. WTF?

HANG ON. WHUT? Jason should NOT get the black eyes. He and Sookie have the same parents, so they should have the same immunity. I CRY FOUL AT THIS.

ANYWAY, over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is telling Bill that Arlene’s kids are in his trailer, but Lisa won’t sleep because she’s so worried. Bill says that wouldn’t be a problem if he’d let Bill hypnovamp them, but Sam doesn’t seem so keen on that idea. Bill says HI MAENAD WANTS YOU, Sam goes I KNOW. I WAS THERE. Bill tells Sam that he and SOOKIE, WHO YOU LOVE, need Sam to make things right, and Sam says that who knows if Maryann would stop with him if he gave himself up. KILLERS DON’T JUST STOP OMG, and Bill goes OMFG COWARD. He tells Sam that he has to come with him, and Sam says UHHH, NO. Bill gets right up in his face and says UHHH YES. GO BILL.

Back at the Little White Chapel of Crazy, we see Arlene and the bridesmaids licking that huge egg, and Sookie finally goes WTF IS THAT EGG? DID YOU LAY IT? And instead of being something AWESOME, Maryann reveals that the egg is just a symbol of fertility. BOO BORING. She also says that Sookie has to anoint the egg, which means she has to get a mouthful of blood and lick the egg. She does it, and goes BARF. Outside, Bill is walking up to the party with Sam, and Jason and Andy bust in to tell Maryann that the vessel has arrived! YAY! Sookie sees Jason’s black eyes and goes NOOO, and Jason says SOOKIE SO PRETTY. Maryann goes IT IS TIME, and Sookie spits at her I WILL NOT BE A PART OF SOMETHING SO EVIL. But it looks like she doesn’t have a choice because Maryann threatens to kill Jason, and Sookie immediately changes her mind.

Outside, the wedding has begun, and this was the moment that I realized THIS SHIT IS STUPID. Honestly, the episode could have been saved had they not gone the route of the cheesy wedding. I mean there are people playing violins and shit! Just have it be some ancient ritual and skip all the stupid dresses and stuff. BUT as it is, this is what we have to deal with, so the wedding party comes out, all the bridesmaids throwing flowers, carrying the egg, and Andy is carrying Maryann’s train. HILAROUS.

Bill shouts from the crowd and brings Sam forward, saying that he offers Sam in exchange for Sookie. Of course, Sookie is losing her shit, screaming and fighting as she’s turned over to Bill all OMG SHE WILL KILL HIM! WTF BILL, and Bill just goes THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, so automatically, you know that something fishy is going on here. They take Sam away, and Bill holds onto Sookie, who is PISSED that Bill won’t let her go. She is like WTF BILL YOU SUCK, but Bill says TRUST ME, YO.

Maryann gets all official and starts up the big ritual, looking like a lunatic in her dress and saying DIONYSUS, BACCHUS, BROWNIES, DENTURES, YELLOW FURIOUS and all that, and for the millionth time, incorrect information is given. NONE OF THOSE FUCKS IS THE HORNED GOD. But you know, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if this shit is wrong? The show is insane, so I’ll let them be insane. Anyway, everybody joins in on the chant, and Lafayette puts the bull mask on the meat tree and says “WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES.” Oh, Lafayette. I love you. They put the egg up into the middle of the meat tree, and Maryann tells some crap story about why she’s doing all this. WHO CARES. The crazy violins start up as they bring Sam out tied to a stretcher thing, and they prop him up. Maryann gets all emotional as she brings forth the big ceremonial knife. Sookie is screaming and flailing all SAM USE YOUR GIFT, and DUH, Bill says SOOKIE USE YOURS, which is what she should have done all along!

But it’s too late because Eggs shows up and STABS SAM RIGHT IN THE BELLY. I actually screamed when he did it. SAM! NO! And Sam gurgles and spits, and Eggs takes the knife to Maryann, and she’s like OH BABY BABY and half crying, and she smears the blood all over her neck. Sookie is all NOOO, and she faintly hears Sam’s voice in her head, so she runs over to him, and he tells her to DESTROY…IT…ALL..OF…IT.

Then Sookie goes BATSHIT CRAZY, and she runs over and grabs that huge egg and straight SMASHES that shit on the ground. It’s very gross, and Tara goes ZOMG OUR SACRED EGG. Sookie rips off her crap wreath and says NONE OF THIS IS SACRED. IT’S EVIL! Then she runs over to the meat tree, and she starts to push it down, but only after he palm glows a little is she able to get it pushed over. That’s when Maryann realizes that something fucked up is happening, and she goes HOW DARE YOU BITCH. She starts apologizing to Dionysus, and then…oops, she turns around to the town, and says I WILL SACRIFICE THEM ALL. She does the hippy hippy shake, and this time, it’s that scary one where everybody clutches their ears and their brains start to melt.

Sookie is like WTF NO, and Maryann gets the man voice and says YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON EVERYONE, and then she sinks her hands into the dirt, and yep, when they come up, it’s the CLAWS. NOOO! Sookie realizes this is a good time to run, but as we recall, this didn’t work out so well the first time. Sookie is running like a fool, screaming for Bill, and she trips and falls. Just as Maryann is about to catch her, we hear this roaring, groaning HORRIBLE noise, and Maryann stops and looks up like WTF? WTF indeed because I’m thinking it’s going to be a tiger or a dragon or some shit, but instead…it is a HUGE white bull, and it just comes trotting up the road.

AHAHAHAHAH WHUT?

Maryann is all OMG MY LOVE MY HUSBAND, and she goes over to it, and there’s this moment, where they look at each other under a streetlight, and Maryann reaches out to touch the bull, and she’s crying and ridiculous, and she holds out her arms like TAKE ME IM URS, and the bull DOES take her. He takes his big fucking horn and fucking STABS HER IN THE GUT.

And the world CHEERS.

So she’s gasping and flopping about with a horn through her guts, and then he turns back into NAKED SAM and pulls her heart out. She has this horrible look on her face and goes, “There was no god?” AND THEN HE SQUEEZES HER HEART, SHE TURNS INTO A SKELETON THING, AND DIES.

DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD.

The whole town immediately goes back to normal, and they all look around like WTF because really, WTF do you say to each other at a crazy marriage/sacrifice where you’re all wearing crazy clothes and playing the bongos? All I can say is that every single one of them needs to go get tested for every STD imaginable and get the morning after pill, even the men just in case, because HOLY FUCK. Eggs also notices that HI, he has blood ALL OVER his hands.

Back on Awkward Naked Guy Street, Sookie rushes forward and hugs Sam, and YES, HE IS TOTALLY NAKED. GUH. Sookie is flailing because HE KILLED YOU, but nope, that’s not what happened. Then we see Bill come limping from the woods, and it all becomes clear. Bill healed Sam up after the stabbiness, and that is why he is alive! YAY BILL AND SAM! Fantastic team together. But apparently, Sam had to drink a LOT of Bill’s blood because he’s all weak and trembly, and now OMFG WILL SAM HAVE SEXY SEXY DREAMS ABOUT BILL? PLZ. Anyway, Sookie is like EVERYTHING IS OKAY NOW, and Sam shows back up with pants and a bloody black arm and he says that even if things didn’t work out, he was okay with dying. WHUT?

Jason and Tara come wandering up, and they look at Maryann’s body and go o.O. Tara immediately goes and hugs Sookie, and apparently, she doesn’t remember anything, but Sookie tells her it’s okay. She orders Bill to get rid of Maryann’s body, and she tells Sam and Jason to get everybody the EFF out of her house. Tara then makes some horrible foreshadowing comment about how she has a bad feeling that not all the bad stuff is over yet. THAT WOULD BE A 10-4, GOOD BUDDY.

Over at Hoyt’s House of Humiliation, Maxine is back to herself, and Hoyt is like YAY. She asks what the heck happened, and he tries to tell her, but somewhere in the middle, she realizes that she’s got a vampire bite on her neck. She freaks right the hell out all HOW COULD YOU PICK A VAMPIRE OVER YOUR MOM? Then…oh, man, it’s horrible. Hoyt says that whatever it was that had control over her made her say terrible things about Jessica, him, and about the fact that Hoyt’s dad shot himself, and Maxine gets the UH OH face, which means that is true. Maxine tells him that he’s old enough to know the truth. This is apparently WRONG. She should have kept lying to him because he FREAKS OUT and screams at her, and she cries, and in the end, Hoyt says something very terrible. He says that he wishes Jessica would have finished her off. WTF HOYT. That is SO NOT COOL. So, she lied to you? BIG DEAL. Parents always lie to their kids. It’s their right. After he says the horrible thing, he gets his coat and is OUT, YO.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, Arlene is frantically calling her kids and wondering why they aren’t answering. Poor Arlene. Jason offers to give her and Terry a ride home, but then Jane Bodehouse finds her finger and is all GAH AHH OHH, and Jason grabs her up to take her to the hospital. Sheriff Bud tells Andy that he gets his badge back, and Andy is overjoyed. He promises to never touch another drink, and let’s hope he sticks to it. Sheriff Bud gives us one of the best lines of the episode: “You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on.” Which, Sheriff Bud does not. HA!

Somewhere off by himself, Sam is looking at some deer that’s staring him down that creepy way that deer do, and he’s got tears in his eyes because I guess he’s remembering Daphne. Which is stupid because Daphne willingly chose to be a servant of Maryann, so there’s no tears needing to be shed for that traitorous bitch. Bill shows up to ruin his alone time, and Sam tries to be all manly and wipe the tears away inconspicuously. Bill wants to thank him for trusting him with his life, and Sam is like WHATEVER, SOOKIE IS SAFE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. Then Bill says YOU WANTED IT TOO. And it totally sounds like they are talking about something else entirely. O.O Sam gets all sentimental about how Sookie and the town are family, and it’s his duty to save them. Bill says HEY THANKS for him revealing his secret, and Sam gets all FORESHADOWY and DEEP and says that shit is easier to deal with once you face up to it or something. Basically, it’s a sneaky way of the writers telling us HEY BILL IS HIDING SOMETHING. (PSST. He’s actually a woman.) Bill slinks off, and Sam looks back, but, aww, the deer is gone.

In the house, Eggs is scrubbing his hands but OMG DA BLOOD, and Tara is like HEYYY, but Eggs keeps going on about OMG THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS OMG. He wants his Maryann, but I guess Tara doesn’t know how to tell him that she’s a big black pile of bones and goo in a wedding dress, so she tells him that they’ll start fresh and handle it themselves. But Eggs doesn’t want to hear that. ZOMG THE BLOOD. THE BLOOOOOD. Tara tells him that Sookie helped her remember some of the stuff she forgot, but she wishes that she didn’t, and he probably doesn’t want to remember things either. OMG DA BLOOOODDDD, and he goes back to scrubbing his nails. Things are not going to end well for Eggs. Sookie comes in, and tells her that everybody is gone, and Tara tells her that Bill is upstairs, then Sookie looks at Eggs and goes THE FUCK? Tara just goes I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

THEN Tara apologizing for bringing the crazy into the house, and THANK GOD. All of this really is Tara’s fault if you think about it. Sookie’s house is destroyed, people are dead, the town is in shambles--all because Tara wanted a family? YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ’ TO DO. Then Sookie notices that Creepy Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and she goes OOPS, and Tara says she’ll take care of it while Sookie goes and snuggles with Bill. That is the LEAST she can do.

Sookie goes upstairs to find Bill in the only room that is miraculously not totally destroyed, and she asks Bill how long it is before sunrise. Bill tells her it’s 41 minutes, and Sookie says “Hold me for forty?” My heart totally melts. I know most of you are Bill haters, or if you’re not haters, you’re just more pro-Eric, but I love the Bill and Sookie schmoop. It’s what this show was based on, and we haven’t had it in a while with all the madness going on, so it’s nice to get back to it a bit.

Then the screen goes black, and when it comes back up, we’re at Shithole Bar and Grill, which is back to its pristine crappiness, so I’m guessing it’s been a week or so because NO WAY could they have cleaned up the mess that was that town overnight, but then again, it does seem like it just happened the day before. It’s business as usual, which is really kind of annoying. The town should be completely freaked out, not acting like it never happened, which is what they are doing. I guess it was the Black Eyes because nobody but Sookie and Bill and Sam remember what happened. OY.

THEN AHAHA FUCKING YAY. Charlaine Harris, mother goddess to this whole lovely mess, is sitting at the bar talking to Sam. I LOVE CAMEOS, AND I LOVE HER. AWESOME. Tara is back bartending, and she tells Sam thanks for opening because the town needs a stiff drink after all that shit. Sam is like IT’S COOL. IT’S THE TOWN’S BAR. Tara says BUT IT’S CALLED MERLOTTE’S, and then Sam makes some emo comment about how that doesn’t say anything about him. WHUT?

Over at a booth, Arlene is with her kids, and there is SO MUCH food on the table, and Lisa says that they forgive her, which breaks Arlene’s heart a little because, as she says, they shouldn’t even know what that word means. It’s a very sweet scene, actually, how the kids are forgiving, and Coby tells her that it’s okay because Sam took care of them and took them to see a flying vampire! Terry comes over and gives them some toy ray guns, and Lisa is NOT impressed by this, but he’s very cute, telling them that they look after her at home and he’ll look after her at work so she is looked after. Then as Arlene goes back to work, Coby asks if she saw Rene while she was away, and Arlene goes AHAH NO HE’S STILL ON VACATION. Once she’s gone, Lisa goes, “Yep, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.” Coby says, “Yep.” AND I AM CHARMED BY THOSE HIDEOUS CHILDREN.

Now we see our favorite gossip mongers in the booth beside them talking about how everyone is saying it was a gas leak, but one of them thinks it was aliens (because Maryann Forrester rhymes with Martian Foreigner), and the other things it was government experiments with stuff in the water, and that’s why she only drinks. Mt. Dew. OH, MT. DEW, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD. Sam comes over and tells them that it was ACTUALLY a bad batch of vodka, so Mt. Dew is the smart way to go. I certainly hope this show got paid a lot of money to promote their drink. As Sam walks away, one of the gossip girls (HO HO) says, “God bless whoever made those jeans. I swear, I’d wear him like a scrunchie.” AHAHAHAHAHA.

Lafayette is all his fabulous self again, and he catches Sookie as she walks by, and tells her that he feels sorry for her because she’s the only one who knows what happens and ZOMG he does NOT want to know. TRU DAT. Jane Bodehouse, who wants the jambalaya, is telling everyone that she has no idea how her finger got cut off, but she thinks it was an alligator that must have got her while she was sunbathing. Team Bromance is sitting at the next table, and Andy is OUTRAGED by this because he knows what happened, and when she’s done talking he says, “Wasn’t no gator, and you weren’t down by the lake. I saw you pull that finger out a giant statue of meat, just like I saw you getting it from behind from Mike Spencer.” Jane and her tablemates just go AHAHAH DRUNK. Andy holds up his drink and says IT’S DIET COKE WITH LIME.

Andy is very upset that nobody can remember what happened because they can’t face up to it. Jason tries to console him by saying that they totally saved everybody, even if nobody can remember, so that makes them heroes. Andy feels as though it doesn’t count, because nobody can remember anything but Jason says OF COURSE IT COUNTS. They set out to save the town from Maryann, Maryann is gone, so YAY THEY DID IT. Jason says the whole point of being a hero is to do something bigger than yourself, and they don’t need glory or girls because they are bigger men than that. YUP. Oh, man, they are the BEST.

Back in the back, Sookie is filling up some mustard, and Sam comes up and asks if she can manage without him for a few days because HI, he needs a break. Sookie says she doesn’t have the words to thank him, but Sam says STFU because he doesn’t want anybody knowing his secret. Sookie hugs him and tells him she wishes everybody knew how special he is, but they are interrupted by the most cheerful person I have ever seen, who is bringing Sookie a special delivery. Sam leaves her alone to open it, and Sookie goes out back to sit down with her present. There is a very fancy card, and inside, there is a note from Bill saying how he has owed her a night out for a LONG time, and now she is going to get it, complete with a pretty purple dress. AWWW, ROMANCE. Or, is it guilt? Hmm.

Just then, Eggs shows up and he looks TERRIBLE. He’s still freaking out, and he wants Sookie to help him remember the stuff that happened during the blackouts. He has to know what he did, and Sookie is very reluctant to help, but Eggs goes OMG DA BLOOOOD, so Sookie gives in, even though she warns him that what she finds might be gross. He’s just a crying mess, and it’s actually really sad. So, Sookie puts her hands on Eggs, and she tells him to open his mind and let her in. Sookie tries to work her magic, and Eggs is remembering riding in a car with Maryann, laughing and having a great time, and then it goes black. Sookie tells him to try harder, and when he does, we see Miss Jeanette, and then Maryann says that she’s a vessel to another world or something, and OH NOES, we watch Eggs kill her and rip out her heart! And it’s GROSS.

Sookie pulls away, but it’s too late because now Eggs remembers everything. He remembers killing Daphne, and he remembers stabbing Sam, and OMG DA BLOOOOOD and he runs away. Sookie chases him and tries to tell him that it wasn’t him, it wasn’t his free will. Eggs will not be consoled. IT WAS MY HANDS THAT DID IT OMG DA BLOOOD. Sookie tries her best, but it’s no use. He runs away in his hoodie, and that is that.

Sometime later, at the Old Compton Place, we see Jessica coming down the steps, and Bill catches her as she’s leaving, and he’s wearing a tuxedo, and PHWOAR. He tells Jessica she looks pretty, and this whole scene is totally sweet with him being nice to her, which is rare. He’s totally a dork. He asks her if she’s going to see Hoyt, and she immediately says OMG YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOOKIE SO WHAT, but then Bill says CALM DOWN, YO. HAVE FUN. He mentions that gentlemen called on the lady in his day, but oh, times have changed. He also notes that his living room is Maxine free, and Jessica tells him that she went home, and he hopes she is okay. Just as Bill is trying to leave, Jessica reaches out and tells him that she and Hoyt had a fight. AWWWW, BONDING. She tells him she was going over to apologize, and Bill says that Hoyt would be a fool not to accept. He tells her that he and Sookie are going to a French restaurant, and she says BE HOME BY FIVE HA HA, and he says YOU BE HOME BY FOUR.

Then we see Sam ringing some random doorbell, and when the door opens, HOLY CRAP! IT’S SAM’S ADOPTED MOM. AND SHE IS WAY OLD. They go into the house, and Sam notes that they don’t have any pictures of him. Mom says that it would be hard to explain since they never had any kids, and Sam is like WHATEVER. She starts trying to apologize, but Sam isn’t there for apologies. He’s not interested in assuaging her guilt. What is there for is to find out about his real parents, and Mom goes SORRY NO. CAN’T SAY. Then this little baby monitor thing goes off, and the Mom goes GULP. WTF? Are aliens coming or something? Sam goes back into this bedroom, and laying on a hospital bed with tubes and machines and shit is his old adopted dad, who is obviously dying a horrible death. He’s writing something on a paper that he hands to Sam, and it’s got the names of his real parents along with I’M SORRY. Oy, this part got me in the guts. I mean, UMPH. Poor Sam, but YAY NEW STORYLINE.

Incidentally, Sam’s parents’ names are Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens, and they last lived in Magnolia, Arkansas. OH NOES, SAM IS A MOUNTAIN PERSON.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Hoyt has put on his Sunday best, and he’s got flowers, and he’s knocking on the door looking for Jessica. How cute! She went to him to apologize, and he went to her! It’s so sweet, and…wait a tick. What is this truck stop business? WHAT THE HELL, JESSICA? She’s in the cab of a truck making out with some truck driver, and the truck driver pulls out a condom, and she says, TEE HEE WAIT I’M A VIRGIN. Truck Driver goes S’OKAY I BE GENTLE AND I LIKE IT. Gross. Jessica then gets crazy eyes and says WELL I DON’T, then she TOTALLY BITES HIS NECK LIKE A BEAST! O.O Whoa, Jess. What the? Hoyt is unaware of this, of course, so he leaves the flowers on the doorstep and slinks away, defeated and heartbroken.

Meanwhile, over at Café du Corny, Sookie finds out that Bill actually rented out the whole restaurant OMG SWOON, and she asks him what he’s going to do while she eats. Bill says WE CAN DANCE. This terrible country song starts up, and these two dorks start dancing like loons in the restaurant. OY CHEESY. Yes, it’s lame and stupid, and why would they play that music in a French restaurant? BUT I DON’T CARE. It’s a sweet moment, and randomly, it is SO obvious that AP and SMoyer are totally in love. SO CUTE.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, in an eerie similarity to last year’s finale, Andy is walking out to his car, and I swear he starts to check the backseat for a dead body when suddenly HOLY CRAP. Eggs is behind him WITH THE HUGE BLOOD-STAINED CEREMONIAL KNIFE. He’s all freaking out and saying DA BLOOOOODD, and that he is the murderer and that he did it and ZOMG ARREST ME. Andy realizes then that he doesn’t have his gun. UH OHS. Andy asks him to put the knife down, and Eggs goes OMFG THIS IS THE MURDER WEAPON. Andy tells him that he was under Maryann’s spell, that it wasn’t him, but again, Eggs has had his brains scrambled (OH, PUN. I suck, I know.) He is crazy, and I DID IT. IT WAS ME. THEY WERE INNOCENT. Andy tries to take the knife, but Eggs pulls out some ninja moves and pushes Andy to the ground. He puts the knife RIGHT UP AGAINST Andy’s eye and says I SAW THEIR EYES AS I KILLED THEM. I have an eye phobia, so I was VERY uncomfortable with this, and I was SO SO afraid Andy was going to get killed.

Instead, the back of Eggs’ head gets blown off just as I think he’s about to kill Andy, and Eggs goes THUD against the ground. I ACTUALLY GASPED. Turns out, it was JASON, who is an incredible shot because WHOA, and he is now totally freaked out because OMG I KILLED HIM. Andy gets up and is like SHIT. And Jason is like SHIT. And we are like SHIT. Andy demands the gun, and he quickly starts wiping off Jason‘s prints. He tells Jason that he didn’t see anything, and he wasn’t there, and to GTFO LIKE NOW. Jason runs away in terror. TEAM BROMANCE FTW. Breaking the law, and cracking eggs. BWUAHAHA. I KNOW, I KNOW. I SUCK.

Just then Arlene comes running out all WHAT HAPPENED, and Andy announces to everyone that Eggs confessed, and that he came after him with a knife, so he had to shoot him. Tara comes out, too, and oh, man. This made me totally sad. She sees dead Eggs, and she collapses beside him all NO NO NO. It’s really awful. But honestly, Tara, did you think you’d get to keep him? That’s not how it works. I’m glad Eggs is gone, but sad for Tara because now she’s going to get all promiscuous and end up with crappy abusive vampire Franklin Mott. I MEAN…IGNORE ALL OF THAT. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. HA HA HA.

Back at Café du Cliffhanger, Sookie is gushing about how GREAT the food is, and she’s finishing up her dessert, and Bill tells her that he has another gift for her. So, raise your hands…who saw this coming? Bill pulls out some plane tickets, and Sookie looks at them and says WHERE IS BURLINGTON. This is when I screamed IT’S IN VERMONT because I have been to Burlington, and then I screamed OMG BECAUSE THEY CAN GET MARRIED THERE. Then Bill whips out the little ring box, and Sookie just stares at it like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

Bill is like I LOVE YOU, YO. MARRY ME AND SHIT. Sookie starts crying and says that she’s been dreaming of that day since she was little, and her dreams, she always says yes. SO WHY CAN’T SHE SAY YES? Bill looks horrified, and I am horrified because THIS IS AWFUL. Bill picked absolutely the WORST time to propose, even though I feel as though his actions were genuine, and perhaps motivated by Sam’s little speech about guilt, but WHAT THE FUCK. Sookie starts blubbering and saying how her life is insane, so much has happened, and she doesn’t even know if she’s human OMG! Bill actually echoes my sentiments when he goes WHUT? Sookie keeps going on about how she might be a freak, and she’s only met one person like her and who knows where the hell Barry is, and OMG I WILL GET OLD AND UGLY AND YOU WILL STILL BE HOT. Bill speaks up and says he doesn’t care, that he wants her just like she is, but yeah, not helping. SOOKIE IS NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS!!

Then Bill looks as though he has been punched and says, “Are you saying no?” Sookie practically screams at him NO BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING. Then she runs off to the bathroom to clean herself up. OMG THE DRAMA. THIS SHOW HAZ IT. In the bathroom, Sookie is looking in the mirror, then she looks at the ring, then she looks at herself, and IT IS A LOOKING PARTY OF LOOKING LOOKS. But even as she is crying, the Bookie love theme is playing louder and louder, and she puts on the ring, and she gets this cheesy look on her face and this moment of realization that YES, YES, YES I WILL MARRY HIM.

TOO LATE, SOOKIE. For out in the restaurant, Bill is sitting there all LA LA LA, waiting for Sookie to come back and probably break his heart, when OH NOES! SOME BLACK GLOVED HANDS GET A SILVER CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK AND DRAG HIM AWAY! DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH.

Sookis is putting on some touch up lipstick, and she comes running out of the bathroom going YES, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU, but then she notices that Bill is GONE. The table is trashed, the door is wide open, and Sookie goes O.O and says, “Bill?”

CREDITS.

PHWOAR.


SO. This episode, like the whole season, had problems. Yes, a lot of problems. But really, I loved it. Season finales are never good. They are annoying and cliché, and they leave us with terrible cliffhangers, and this episode had all those things. BUT I LIKED IT.

To combat some of the things I saw last night, NO THIS EPISODE DID NOT NEED MOAR ERIC. Eric is a minor character in the books, and he’s actually a minor character on the show if you think about it. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND RUIN BILL AND SOOKIE’S NIGHT. HE WAS NOT NEEDED. They did right in this episode and only had him a little bit as not to take away with the wrapping up of the storyline and moving into the new one. ERIC IS NOT ESSENTIAL TO EVERYTHING.

That being said, ending with Bill getting kidnapped…yes, it totally changes the dynamic of the third season in comparison to the book. They part on different terms, and yes, Bill gets kidnapped, but it’s not quite this same way.

STOP HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS.
Why was the person wearing gloves? To not get burned by the chain and to not show that she has pretty feminine fingernails. IT WAS NOT ERIC. At least, I don’t think it was. Eric would have just walked up in that bitch and been like YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. He wouldn’t have had to overpower him with silver at all. Lorena probably doesn’t have to either, being his maker, but it was much more dramatic, and Bill wouldn’t have been able to fight and make a ruckus. It’s likely that Eric called Lorena and told her where they were, but no, it was totally NOT Eric who kidnapped him.

Why didn’t Bill hear his attacker? It was a vampire, that’s why, and guess what, he was sleeping and Lorena was sitting on his bed like a CREEPER and he didn’t notice her until he woke up. Makers can sense their children, but children cannot sense their makers. This has already been proven. People have made the comment OH HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ERIC. Again, I say, Eric would not have snuck up on him. NOT ERIC.

LOVED that we got back to Our Gal Sook. LOVED IT. There were some really fantastic moments in this episode for a lot of characters. Overall, the season was good. Probably a seven for me, and I still liked the first season better. MUCH better. But we’re moving into probably one of the best books in the series with season three, so we’ll see what happens.

I’ll have a longer, more in depth round-up of the whole season, but for now, I will say I LOVE THIS SHOW, EVEN IF IT IS CRAP. HATERS TO THE LEFT. :D