Twilight aka The Biggest Waste of Four Bucks EVER

So, against my better judgment, I bought "Twilight" On Demand last night. I could somehow justify the four dollars because it was cheaper than renting it, and no one would ever know that I had watched it except me and the cable company. ALAS, I am now telling everyone that I watched it because I feel it is my sworn duty to warn others of the eyeball-melting monstrosity contained in this "movie".

The following are my play-by-play style notes that I took while watching this "movie". At the end of them, I will sum up my feelings.

SPOILERS AHEAD...though really, nothing I could say would spoil this movie. It's just THAT. BAD.



OOOH, terrifying vampire killing innocent deer! Worst opening sequence EVER.

Kristin Stewart is so uninspiring. She's not particularly cute, yet she's not ugly. She's just there. WTF is up with that?

I'm already completely disgusted by the music because Stephenie Meyer is a big stupid soundtrack maker. See her website for that tragedy that is her music selection.

I want Bella to be fatter. I don't know why.

Billy is cooler than I imagined. I was already on Team Jacob. Now I am firmly planted there. He is lovely.

Bella's truck is already irritating. I remember thinking, "How could an author spend this much time talking about a truck?" while reading the "books".

Gaysian Eric! EPIC WIN!! AHAH! Mike is great! Jessica is...Jessica. Boobs and teeth. Bella is grossly pale. Angela is totally cute.

And, oh, the loveliness of the impossibly beautiful vampires enters is slow mo. Rosalie and Emmett. BARF. Alice is so cute, and Jasper's hair is fantastic.

OMG the make-up is as bad as they all said! Edward's hair...OMG. It will now be referred to as his Moses Hair i.e. the way Charlton Heston's hair looked in "The Ten Commandments" after he saw the Burning Bush o' God. One word for Ed's eyebrows...TWEEZERS.

Point #1 (of the movie that was not totally revolting):
Edward's :X face at Bella during Biology. Yes, Ed, we all know how you feel.

Ed is beyond creepy, and he is totally an emo loser.

Charlie is very random. His relationship with Bella reminds me of my relationship with my dad. I am seriously creeped out.

Robert Pattinson is not as cute as everyone thinks.

Ed's random turn around in behavior is even more stupid and out of place in the movie than it was in the book.

Point #2:
Bella's slack-jawed loveface was actually cute.

Ed's scruff is not cute under the pancake make-up. He's also a complete spaz. Jasper on the other hand, is totally swoony.

Carlisle is disgusting. I had such high hopes.

Kristen Stewart's two front teeth are MASSIVE. It's distracting me from the rest of the craptasticness of this movie.

Why does everyone have chapped lips? It's very gross.

Point #3:
Ed's jealous look over Mike's shoulder. SWOON.

Ed's peacoat makes him look like A FOP.

OMG the drama is choking me. "Why didn't you just let the van crush me!?!" I forgot how ridiculous this shit is.

Fuck you with that apple trick. As cleolinda said I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Robert Pattinson is sickeningly hairy. *SHUDDER*

The Native Americans are all so CUTE!! Jacob called us "pale faces"!! Is that PC? I don't even care. I normally hate werewolves in any and every incarnation they come in. I know that Jacob and Co. aren't actually werewolves, but close enough. However, they are so less repugnant than the Cullens, so I heart them.

WTF James. Is he hot or is he disgusting?

HOW DARE YOU DEFILE A PARAMOUR SONG!! I can never like that song now.

OOH! Scary rapists in an alley!! So more terrible than vampires WHO KILL PEOPLE. Because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and to her sex is more evil than murder. I mean it makes PERFECT SENSE!!!

Ed is much less hideous in romantic restaurant light.

"I feel very protective of you." Oh, it SEEMS very innocent. It is not. It's the beginning of the misery that is "Twilight". Bella is pathetic and Ed must protect her. It's insulting and reason #42 why I hate "Twilight".

What is wrong with this picture? She finds out he's a vampire and a murderer and she's more googly eyed?!?

This movie lost any credibility that it had--AND BELIEVE ME IT WAS VERY, VERY LITTLE--during the running up the mountain/sparkly killer scene. The vampire movements in this movie are ridiculous (a la "Queen of the Damned") and Ed is such an emo that it makes me ill.

ROBERT PATTINSON IS HAIRY AND HE IS A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

"You're like my own personal brand of heroin." "So the lion fell in love with the lamb..." GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

"Let's lay down in the grass so that we're not even touching each other--NOT EVEN OUR FULLY CLOTHED KNEES--and call it a sex scene!!"

I am now officially more stupid from watching this.

Ed's "Risky Business" sunglasses are...ridiculous.

It should not be hot watching Carlisle bite Edward, but it sadly was.

This movie is a mess of flannel.

Rosalie should have been prettier, but Esme is totally cute.

Does Stephenie Meyer think that Ed listening to Debussy and playing the piano gives him depth? FAIL.

TREE CLIMBING SCENE = STOOPID.

Ed and Bella's relationship is so CHASTE. It's disgusting.

"I like watching you sleep" is the creepiest thing that can be said to a girl, and Bella thinks it is romantic. IS ANYBODY ELSE UNDERSTANDING WHY I HATE THIS SHIT!?!

Most awkward kissing scene ever.

The baseball scene was absolutely ludicrous. They were supposed to look cool, but instead, with that stupid song, it was very 80's montage. Alice's pitching stance was stupid. Good thing James, Blacula, and the chick showed up to stop the lameness.

I decided. James = hot except for his peach fuzz.

I never understood why suddenly Bella realizes "OOH! VAMPIRES ARE SCARY!" once James wants to eat her. "Vegetarian" vampires are okay, but real ones are not. (PSSST! "Vegetarian" is code for celibate. Don't tell!!)

Rosalie had the right idea. Bella should be hated and despised. KILL THE OUTLANDER!!

The beauty of the almost death scene was immediately destroyed by Bella's pathetic "OMG j00 CAN'T LEEEEVE MEEEE!" freak out.


SOOOOOO...

I hated this movie. It is awful. I will admit here for the world to see that I actually did like "Twilight" the book. THE FIRST BOOK AND ONLY THE FIRST BOOK. When I read it, I thought it was sweet, and thought it was a nice piece of fluff when I had nothing better to do. However, the hideousness of the rest of the books destroyed anything I liked about the original. This movie reminds me of everything I should have hated from the beginning. I was wrong to think I could ever look at this piece of crap with anything but disgust and contempt.

The only good thing about this movie was Jacob. He was lovely. The best thing about it was that it was over quickly.

DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE OR IT WILL MELT YOUR EYEBALLS.