Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Release Me" aka All Aboard the Betrayal Train

True Blood Season 2--”Release Me”

Previously on True Blood…

Eric called Lorena in to make trouble for Bill, Isabel offers up her man-friend to help Sookie at the FotS, SEXY SEXY VIKING FLASHBACK, Sookie wigs Barry the Bellboy out enough to make him quit his job, Jason thinks he’s being punished for getting the holy hand job, PAM shows back up to make Lafayette start selling V again, Hoyt surprised Jessica in Dallas, the Douche Newlins totally kidnap and imprison Sookie and Hugo, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, but Lorena is there to totally maker-rape him so he can’t go save her, Jason and Douche Wife finally get it on IN THE CHURCH, Daphne turns out to be the traitorous wench we always knew she would be and turns Sam over to Maryann at the Grossest Orgy In History, and Maryann wears the Bull Man Thing mask and has a knife! OH NOES! SAM!


The show picks up with someone running wildly through the woods, but it’s not who you think. It’s Andy! And he faceplants and then yells “PIIIIIIIG!” In about four seconds, Andy might have stolen the trophy for best opening ever. Anyway, he hears some crazy drums in the distance and starts to follow them, and we follow them back to the scene of that hideous orgy from last week, but instead of an orgy, it now looks like a rave where everyone took some really bad Ecstasy. Most of them are naked, sure, but instead of doing dirty things, they are now all kind of dancing around and groaning. And OOH, Eggs has a hold of Sam, and he pushes him down on a rock…a rock very similar to that one he and Tara found after their impromptu ramble on the way to get the water heater part. I think I know what Eggs is now!!

Anyway, Sam is all O.O and Zombie!Tara dances up to him, all crazy black-eyes, and goes OOOOH JUST GIVE IN HEE HEE IT’S SO GREAT, and then she sort of licks his face. Gross. Then Maryann raises up out of the crowd, and she has the crazy claw hands and is wearing the Bull Man Thing head and doing the hippy hippy shake, and THIS is when Andy comes stumbling out of the woods and goes WTF? Maryann starts advancing on Sam, and we know what is coming, but just before she can get close enough to get him, Andy fires off his gun, and everyone stops and goes o.O at him. This is just the chance Sam needs, and he head butts Eggs and then totally slaps the holy hell out of Daphne (WIN!) and takes off running like a madman. Eggs starts SCREAMING, and then everybody else starts screaming, and see what happens when you take bad Ecstasy? So no to drugs, kids, because nobody is having a good time now. They just scream like screaming things, and Maryann tears ass after Sam.

Sam meanwhile is running for his life LITERALLY, and Maryann is coming up from behind, and I’m sorry. If this was supposed to be creepy, EPIC FAIL. Maryann is wearing a dress! A Bull Man Thing in a dress is not scary! Sam is running, and he just so happens to see an owl sitting on the branch of a tree, so YAY, he can shift into an owl and fly away, which is what he does. Maryann stops and looks up like OMG WHERE YOU GO, then she picks up his discarded shirt with one of her gross hands and stares MENACINGLY at the sky! FOILED AGAIN!

Credits, now with more fish guts and rotting fox carcasses!

After the credits, we’re back on the set of When Raves Go Wrong, and Andy is just flabbergasted at what he is seeing. Everybody has lost their shit, and he’s just holding his gun and staring. But then everyone stops screaming, and they’re all just walking around like zombies that don’t even know he’s there. Andy sees Terry standing there with no pants on(!), and he’s like ZOMG TERRY PUT ON SOME PANTS but instead, Zombie!Terry decided to break Andy’s arm! Zombie!Arlene thinks this is hilarious, and they run off together as Andy writhes in pain.

Back in the Basement of the Unholy, Sookie is yelling for Godric from the insanely huge cage that Reverend Douche Newlin put her in, but Hugo is just pacing and freaking out, going on about how claustrophobic he is. What I am really noticing are the fantastic things that the FotS has in their basement. Huge statues of Jesus and easily the most hilarious collection of board games ever--the best being “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator.” And I do believe that the picture on the front of the “Send them Back to Hell” game is a cartoon of Kiefer Sutherland in “The Lost Boys.“ AHAHA. Oh, FotS, you are great for the lulz. Anyway, Sookie takes a minute to calm down that whiny bitch Hugo, and she tells him everything will be okay, like she’s trying to hypnovamp him. It apparently works because Hugo calms down immediately.

Sookie starts talking about the fact that the Douches knew who they were when they got there, AND they knew to try to get Sookie at the airport. We’ve got a leak! Hugo mentions that it might be a vampire *coughStancough* using the FotS to get Godric out of the way, but Sookie says that’s crazy, and she would know about crazy. Hugo says, WELL DUH, but Sookie brings up that Bill and Eric would do worse to Stan when they found out, so that logic is pretty sound. AHAHA, this is when Sookie realizes…OH YEAH. WTF BILL? She looks kind of sad when she mentions that Bill must have sensed her fear and that he’d be busting up in that bitch any minute, but she really doesn’t sound very sure about that or she’s scared about something. Turns out, yes, she is because if the FotSers are going to cook a vampire for everyone to see, what the hell else could they do?

Back in the Hotel Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Bill is screaming at Lorena to let him GTFO, but she’s right in front of the door, and when Bill comes up to her, she takes a big whiff and says “You smell like her. Sweet…and cheap.” WTF LORENA! I mean, yes, Sookie is cheap, but this evil whorebitch doesn’t get to say that! Only WE get to say that. Bill tries to get past her, but Lorena just calmly throws him over furniture, and then she puts the heel of her stiletto right against his heart and says PFFF LAME. Bill manages to get free by throwing HER across the room, but she beats him to the door and says SRSLY? This was the point when Lorena’s accent finally made me sick, and we deal with Bill every week, so you know it has to be bad. Bill asks her why she there, and then she smiles and says, “I’ve missed you.” AND I BARF. OMFG Lorena is so LAME and PATHETIC.

As I’m sure we’re about to see in yet another hilarious flashback into the lives of Bill and Lorena! It’s 1935 now, and Bill is wearing a HILARIOUS smoking jacket and reading a book, and it is obvious that somewhere between that last flashback with the transvestite flapper and now, Bill has become Grouchy Pants McGee. I don’t know, I think it’s the set of his eyebrows. He just looks…CURMUDGEONY. Lorena comes in wearing a very unflattering green dress, and Bill gets that look that battered housewives get when their husband comes home from work early and unexpectedly. Lorena says she hates musicals, but apparently, she doesn’t hate chorus girls because one comes in behind her. This chorus girl is named Frances, and OMG she’s insipid. Lorena tells Frances to show “Alfred” her talent, and Frances starts dancing around like a loon until Bill turns off the record player and goes HMPH.

Lorena lays the hypnovamp on Frances and tells her that Bill is in one of his moods again, but then Bill vampires up behind her and tells Lorena OMG I SAID NO MORE. Lorena brushes this off and gets all vampire porn star on him, all fangalicious up on Frances’ neck and talking about how she smells like apricots. And if you thought Lorena could not get more hideous, you were wrong. When her fangs are out and she’s trying to talk, WOOF. Anyway, poor Bill can only take so much so his fangs pop out, and he slinks up to them, but at the last minute, he says OMG LEAVE. And Frances goes KAY and bolts for the door. Lorena goes -_- and says “You are such a wet blanket,” which yes, made me laugh. But it is obvious it is not another day in paradise in the Compton-Whorebitch household. The honeymoon is over BIG TIME.

Bill makes me love him just a little more when he tells Lorena he can’t stand the sight of her, and Lorena just goes OMG DRAMA QUEEN. I think one of the problems I have with Lorena is that her facial features and terrible acting make it impossible for me to tell what emotion she is trying to express. That, and she’s a whorebitch. Anyway, Lorena says maybe they should head back south so that Bill is less depressed, and Bill goes AHAHA I’M NOT DEPRESSED. I JUST HATE YOU. Bill goes all IT’S OVER and ZOMG THE INNOCENTS. Apparently, Bill has a case of the grouchies because he feels bad about all the horrible things he’s done. Lorena goes OMFG PEOPLE ARE FOOD GET OVER IT. But Bill is on a roll now, and he starts yelling about how she’s lost her humanity and stolen his, and I AM A MONSTER!

Lorena goes YAWN and tells him that he’ll get over that pesky conscience, but Bill says NO BITCH, and Lorena is upset? Sad? Happy? Who knows, but we do know that she has decided it is time for a big fat domestic and she picks up a hideous lamp and chucks it at Bill who catches like O RLY? We flash back to present time, and Bill puts on his best SERIOUS FACE, and tells Lorena that if anything has happened to Sookie, I KEEL YOU BITCH. Lorena just sort of stares at him and says “It’s true. You are in love with a human.” And she finds that full of lulz, and then she does LOL, like, A LOT.

Over on the Back Lawn of Cult Camp, Isabel and Eric are standing there being leather-clad badasses. Eric looks down at Cult Camp and says SRSLY? THIS IS IT? Isabel says not to overestimate them because they are fanatics, and fanatics are insane and will totally die for their cause. Eric makes this little growly sound, and all of us faint because ZOMG ERIC GROWLED. Isabel tells him to settle down, and Eric mentions that Hugo and Sookie have been in the church for way too long. Isabel says NUH UH, that she felt Hugo FREAK OUT for a minute a while ago, but it’s nothing. NOTHING? The guy is about to pass out in the basement, and it’s nothing? Isabel sucks

Eric asks her what she finds so great about having a human boyfriend, and Isabel says it’s because they feel more strongly than vampires, and everything is OMG URGENT because their lives are so temporary. Eric goes PFF “They certainly don’t keep well.” AHAH oh, Eric. Then he asks if the fact that Hugo will grow old and ick makes her sick, and she says no because it’s interesting…LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. WTF? Then Isabel asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric is the biggest liar EVER and says he isn’t interested in Sookie. LIAR LIAR LEATHER JACKET ON FIRE. Oh, and he doesn’t care how Bill feels. He only cares about finding Godric, and Isabel is like RIGHT. Eric then mentions how it’s totally not possible for the FotS to keep Godric captive because he’s the eternal BAMF, so it’s got to be something else…something NOT HUMAN! OH NOES!

Now we go inside the Church of BrownChickenBrownCow, and Jason and Douche Wife are all snuggly post-coital, and Jason is like SCORE. But Douche Wife is…crying? AHAHA. It’s always better when they cry. But it turns out, she’s crying because she’s HAPPY. She’s so HAPPY because SHE LOVES HIM. THEY ARE MEANT TO BE. Turns out, Douche Wife is just like any other woman meaning she is crazy, and Jason starts to get freaked out just in time for Douche Wife to tell him that they have to go…AND TELL REVEREND DOUCHE. Uhh, WHUT? Jason brings up the fact that Reverend Douche has guns, and they’re having a lock-in, and they will be locked-in with Steven and his guns. Douche Wife comes to her senses and decides to put the lock-in before her personal feelings, and they decide to tell Reverend Douche after the Meet the Sun ceremony. Douche Wife runs off, and Jason goes O.O

Back at Hotel Underage Girl Much, Hoyt and Jessica are making out, and yes, how cute, we find out that Hoyt is actually a virgin. Jessica laughs all AHAHAH but tells him that she’s a virgin, too, so that is fine. Honestly, guys, I am trying to care here and be unbiased in my recaps, but I am finding it difficult. I am creeped out because Hoyt says he is 28, and Jessica is only 17, and that is BEYOND ick to me. So anyway, yes, they decide they’re going to do it sometime in the near future, but not tonight, so they snuggle down to sleep, and Jessica warns Hoyt not to freak out if she looks a little dead. HA. Okay, so that was cute.

Now we’re walking up the Hallway of Eric Hates Everyone, and Stan is going on about how maybe Hugo and Sookie joined the FotS and that’s why they’re not back, but Isabel reminds him OMG HUGO IS MINE, and Stan makes a good point in saying that if she really cared, they would have been at the church already. Eric is walking ahead of them with this -_- look because it’s obvious that he can’t stand Stan, but really, who can? Isabel tells him that’s why he’ll never be sheriff because he’s a dumbass, and Stan counters by saying that she’s too chicken to do anything, and that’s why HE’S been getting Godric’s coffee for 40 years. What? Huh?

Anyway, then Stan turns on Eric, who is trying to ignore the situation and just get into his room, and he says that they’ve got Eric’s maker and his telepath, and he hasn’t done anything about it. You can see it in Eric’s eyes that he has had about enough of this shit, and he vampires over and pushes Stan up against the wall and looks HELLA scary. Even Isabel is like GULP. Eric finally tells Stan that he thinks this is all so he can become sheriff, and Isabel reminds him that they don’t have any proof. Eric assures Stan that once he finds the proof OMG NO MERCY. But in the meantime, he doesn’t care if they bicker or if they go to the FotS and kill everyone. I DON’T CARE, YO. All he cares about is finding Godric because, and I quote, “If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back with I have lost.” And then HE CRIES A SINGLE TEAR OF BLOOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredulous I felt at this ERIC DOES NOT CRY. ERIC WOULD NOT CRY. And beyond that, is it really THAT big of a deal? How long has it been since he saw Godric? Are they BFFs? I mean after a thousand years, are you really going to be THAT UPSET about your maker being gone? I’m not sure I understand the dynamic here, but I do know that ERIC WOULD NOT CRY, and so this scene is EPIC FAIL to me. UGH. I’ll talk more about this at the end. For now, ONWARD!

We’re back at Casa de Sexhouse, and Tara and Eggs are just waking up in the living room, and Tara immediately starts freaking out because she can’t remember how she got there. In fact, she can’t remember anything except going into the woods. The whole night is just blanked out of her memory. Eggs says it might be the joint they smoked because Maryann’s weed is serious shit, and Tara goes AH HA! She mentions this to Eggs, how he couldn’t remember being at the creepy campsite either, but Eggs says I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. When Tara starts freaking out because yes OBVIOUSLY this makes her like her mother, Eggs comforts her and she is properly distracted. Smooth move, Eggs. Then Tara says sometimes Eggs is like Sookie because it’s like he can read her mind, and I go WTF? Tara just spills the beans like that about Sookie? What kind of secret-keeper is she?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam comes running in after his night on the prOWL (AHAHA I suck.), and he’s completely freaking out, as he should. He goes into his office and digs in this secret area of his fireplace and pulls out a huge handgun. I don’t know that that’s going to help, Sam.

It’s morning in the Fangbanger Holding Cage, and Reverend Douche comes down to visit, just as cheerful and bright-eyed as can be. He even brings Sookie and Hugo some water! Sookie jumps up and immediately starts in with OMG MY VAMPIRE WILL KILL YOU, and Reverend Douche is like AHAH WHERE IS HE? BRING IT! Sookie warns them that they’re going to get themselves killed, and Reverend Douche tells her that the vampires just have her all messed up with their SEXINESS and their VIKINGNESS and their SEXY VIKINGNESS. Okay, no, he didn’t say that. He said hypnovamping and empty promises and evil blood. My version was better. Sookie is OUTRAGED and tells him JESUS IS ASHAMED OF YOU. Reverend Douche just goes AHAH at that, and he pulls up a chair to apologize how things got out of control. He claims that all he wants is some answers, and then he’ll give them some breakfast and send them on their way. RIIIIGHT.

But Hugo seems to think this is a great plan, and he jumps up and starts spilling the beans. He tells them that she is Sookie Stackhouse and he is…but Reverend Douche doesn’t hear a word after Stackhouse. He gets this horrible, awful Betrayal!Face because, yes, it’s true, he realizes that HE knows a Stackhouse. He knows a Stackhouse, and he LOVES Jason, and WHAT? HOW COULD THIS BE? Reverend Douche is like WTF JASON? And Sookie realizes UH OH, and Reverend Douche runs out to write in his journal and make a mix tape, and Sookie is like WTF!

Hugo is like GREAT JOB, and Sookie finally tells him to STFU, but she actually says it! GO SOOKIE! Then she gets a bright idea, and she starts trying to mind meld with Barry. I guess she thinks maybe Barry is listening somewhere, wherever he might be, and she gives him a rundown of where she is, that Godric is there, and things have gone to shit! OMG BARRY HELP!

We’re back in Room Bitch You Crazy, and Bill and Lorena have apparently not gone to sleep, and that is bad for vampires. Bill is acting like he’s totally stoned, and as they are bickering EVEN MORE, they both start to bleed from random places. It’s a pretty creepy effect actually. Bill wants to rest, but Lorena thinks that as soon as she falls asleep, Bill will run into the sun to save her and get dead. Bill is like OMFG WOMAN SRSLY? Bill sees his cellphone on the table, but Lorena jumps up and gets it first. He begs her to let him call Eric who will go and get Sookie. When Bill says Eric’s name, Lorena starts to go AHAHAHA. Bill says that Eric is the reason that Sookie is in trouble, and Lorena says AND WHY I’M HERE, NOOB. She crushes his phone and tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie and he should just let Eric have her. And Bill has Betrayal!Face, but his beats Reverend Douche’s because there is blood with his. Bloody Betrayal!Face Bill! (Alliteration FTW!)

Back at Cult Camp, Jason has realized it is time to GTFO, and he is carrying all his stuff across the campus when Reverend Douche pulls up in his car and is like HEY JASON WHATCHA DOIN’? Jason tells him he’s just going for a walk…with all of his stuff…and Reverend Douche has Cro-Mitch jump out and pull a knife on Jason and force him into the car. OH NOES!

We’re now at Mayberry R.F.D., and Andy is telling Bud what he saw the night before. Now, everyone knows Andy is a drunk, and he looks totally crazy as he’s telling this story about a bull mask, and giant claws, and everybody had big black-saucer eyes LIKE ZOMBIES. Andy is actually so great this episode. The way he says zombie cracks me up. Zaaawwmbees. It’s actually pretty great.

Back at Casa de Sexhouse, Tara and Eggs are watching some hilariously crap show, and while they are watching, somebody with some busted ass feet and legs comes sneaking in, and the feet are bloody, and whoever it is happens to be carrying a dead rabbit and is dripping blood all over the floor. A skirt drops and we see that it is Maryann, and she’s all like O HAI, and Tara and Eggs go WTF! She tells them she slept outside to commune with her animal nature and saw the rabbit and thought YUM. OMG I am so tired of this bitch. Tara tries to snark about her throwing a big party without permission, but Maryann is like SHUT IT, and Tara does. Tara is very freaked out by this, but Eggs thinks Maryann is fantastic.

We’re back at Camp Cutthroat, and that is exactly what Cro-Mitch is about to do. He is about to cut Jason’s pretty neck, and this scene is moderately funny because Jason thinks Reverend Douche is talking about him banging Douche Wife, but Reverend Douche is actually talking about Jason being in league with the vampires. In the end, Reverend Douche tells Cro-Mitch to take care of the problem, and Cro-Mitch walks Jason off into the woods. OH NOES!

On the shores of Lake Merlotte, Daphne is putting her feet in the water all LA LA LA, and Sam walks up out of nowhere and pulls his huge gun on her. Daphne goes YAWN and tries to act like nothing happened. Sam is not having any of that shit, and he realizes how she got her scars. He calls her a whore, which she is, but Daphne claims it’s not whoring if you do it for love. Sam goes AHAH RIGHT, and Daphne deals him a low blow and says AHAH NOT YOU, SILLY. Sam gets on the Betrayal Train, and his voice cracks, and it’s just so SAD! Poor Sam. Daphne starts to tell Sam the story of her and Maryann, but Sam, like me, doesn’t care.

Sam finally asks why Maryann is trying to get him, and Daphne says it’s because she can’t control Sam. The crazy black eyes don’t work on supernatural creatures, and so she wants Sam to submit, and OMG HE WON’T. Then Daphne says OMG I’M SWEATING LIKE A PIG. And we go, OMG DAPHNE GO DIAF. Sam gets all OUTRAGED and Daphne has a big swim, and says WTF IS SHE? And Daphne says OMG SHE’S GOD. And Sam goes O.O and we go NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE.

Back in the Cage of BIG FAT LIARS, Hugo has finally freaked out, and he’s rattling the cage screaming that he has to go potty. Sookie gets up to calm him down again, and she touches his arm, and FWOOOOM, she mind melds with him and finds out OMG HUGO IS THE TRAITOR. If you are shocked, I say..what, are you new?

Back at Lake Plot Exposition, Daphne is going on and on about Maryann, and I am going to be serious here for a moment. I’m not going to go into detail about this section because for the first time, probably ever, I have been offended by a television show. Daphne’s speech on what Maryann is was way over the line, and when they used the names of goddesses of actual religions, Gaia and Isis most specifically, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. To insinuate that a character on a television show, especially a rancid whorebeast like Maryann, is a goddess of my religion…NO. HI, NO. So, I will paraphrase by saying Daphne tells him that she’s a maenad, gives him a very incorrect history, and claims that Dionysus was also called “The Horned God” which AGAIN is WRONG, SO WRONG so Sam makes the logical jump to Satan. Do you see why I am offended here? UGH ANYWAY.

Daphne goes on and on with her plot exposition, and Sam briefly considers turning himself over to save the town, but Daphne says that won’t work because Maryann is having too much fun. Daphne suggests Sam turning himself in anyway because she might let him live, and then Sam gets all huffy and runs away. Poor Sam!

Back in the Basement of Traitors, Hugo tells Sookie why he turned on Isabel, and it’s because she wouldn’t turn him. REALLY HUGO? What is with the pathetic losers this week? Sookie is just as disgusted as we are, and Hugo tries to make Sookie mad by talking about Bill using her and such, and then Sookie says OMG IF YOU’RE SO GREAT WHY ARE YOU HERE? And that’s when Hugo realizes HEY, SHE’S RIGHT, and he jumps up and starts calling for Cro-Mitch to let him out. But Cro-Mitch does come, and Sookie says WHUT, BITCH. For an instant, we have our old Sookie back! YAY!

Outside at the Church of FAIL, the lock-in is starting, and lots of blond people are showing up in their pajamas! How cute! Douche Wife is wearing some monstrosity of an outfit, and Reverend Douche comes out and tells her in his serious voice that they need to talk, in private, about Jason. OH NOES! Meanwhile, Cro-Mitch is walking Jason through the woods, and Jason tells him OMG MISTAKE, and Cro-Mitch makes a fatal error. He gets all snarly and tells Jason that HE is the mistake, and that Sookie is a whore. Jason FREAKS OUT and beats up Cro-Mitch and says ZOMG NEVER TALK ABOUT MY SISTER! Cro-Mitch spits out some blood, and says, “Is that the best you can do…Sister-Fucker?“ AHAHAHAH. And then the beat down is on. Jason wins in the end, and he calls Cro-Mitch a dick-brain(?), kicks him in the man parts, and takes his knife and runs away. YAY!

In the Bathroom of Fabulous…LAFAYETTE IS BACK! He is putting on his make-up and dealing his V over the phone, just like Pam told him to. YAY! Eggs and Tara are making out the bar, and Arlene comes in, and something is up with her. She is very upset, and she steals Tara and runs off to the bathroom. Lafayette is in that bathroom, and Arlene says OMG LADIES ONLY to which Lafayette replies, “So what you skank hos doing in here?” Tara gives him the hairy eyeball, so she must know he’s dealing V again, but Lafayette just takes his fine self on out the door.

Anyway, Arlene starts freaking out and tells Tara that she might have done something REAAAAALLLL BAD. Apparently, she and Terry weren’t sleeping together, no matter what she tried, and the night before, the night of the Orgy from Hell, she got Terry all liquored up…and then she blacked out! Tara goes O.O because OMG SHE BLACKED OUT TOO, and the bad thing Arlene thinks she did is…she thinks she had her way with him…”a lil’ bit”…against his will. Arlene, the Date Rapist. Arlene is terribly cute for once on this show, and she is really upset, but all Tara cares about is that this blacking out thing isn’t just her and Eggs.

Meanwhile, Lafayette goes out to the bar where he sees Eggs, and he goes X____X at him and says it’s not fair because for the first time he’s not chasing trouble, but trouble keeps finding him. Eggs is like o.O, and Lafayette says that there is no good that could come out of something so pretty, and that is when Eggs realizes that this is Lafayette, as though that explains EVERYTHING. He calls him Tara’s Eggs, to which Tara shows back up and comments that it sounds weird, and it SO does. HEE HEE, then we get one of those great Lafayette moments where Tara asks why he is called Eggs. “Your name is Benedict. Why don’t people call you Ben?” And Lafayette jumps in and says, “Or Dict.” AHAHAH. Then Lafayette gives one of his cryptic warnings, like the one he made about the cornbread in season one, remember? He calls Eggs “Satan in a Sunday Hat,” and I say YES HI DUH.

Just then, Andy walks in, and OH MAN, the hilarity. He starts screaming for Terry, and everyone starts staring at him. He is a lunatic, and he calls Tara a “devil worshipper” and tells everyone that he saw what they were doing OMG! Sam is creeping up on the scene, and he ALSO saw what everyone was doing, but I’m not sure that Andy saw Terry. Anyway, Arlene tells him that Terry isn’t there, and Terry says, “Fuck you, Zombie Woman! Fuck all ya’ll devil zombies!” OMG. I about peed myself. Andy is officially my favorite part of this episode. Andy screams how he’ll put a stop to all of it and then leaves, and everybody goes AHAHAH OH, ANDY. Sam finally shows his face, and when Eggs is leaving and says bye to him, Sam sort of flinches because, yes, Eggs was the one holding him down to be sacrificed, remember? Everybody goes o.O at Sam, and Sam goes o.O at everybody.

Back to Hotel Pedo--NO, KIDDING. I swear. Anyway, the song BLEEDING LOVE is playing in the background as Hoyt sets up what he thinks is a romantic night, with rose petals and blood-scented(!) candles everywhere, and Jessica wakes up and looks horrified for a second, but then she tells him to take off his pants, and they collapse into giggles, and what I assume is virginal NOT SO SEXY SEX.

Now we’re back to the back woods of Cult Camp, and Jason has been running for hours, and headlights come up behind him. He’s sure it’s Reverend Douche, but I would recognize that hair anywhere. Douche Wife jumps out of the Gator of Righteous Indignation with her big Texas hair, and Jason tries to explain about Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch, but Douche Wife pulls a big gun on him and Jason goes O.O. Before he can do anything, Douche Wife shoots him, and he goes O.O and falls back in slo-mo. OH NOES! Except NOT OH NOES. That gun she had was the same paintball gun that Reverend Douche had in an earlier episode, and next week we will see that Jason is not dead, but he probably did get a paintball in the man parts.

Back to Lake Merlotte, and Daphne is standing on the edge of the dock looking out at the water. Maryann comes up like a creepy creeper from behind her, and Daphne is all HEE I LOVE YOU, and Maryann says THNX BITCH, kisses her, and then FWOOM, Daphne gets a knife in the heart from BLACK-EYED EGGS! OH NOES! I KNEW IT! When I saw the way he was holding Sam down on the rock like that, it was obvious. Eggs is the “killer” but it’s all Maryann’s doing, and so the bitch must die. Daphne just gurgles up some blood, and Maryann smiles at her. THE BITCH MUST DIE.

Over to the Basement of Cro-Mitch Got PWNED by Jason, Cro-Mitch finally shows up and opens the cage as Hugo is like OMG CRO-MITCH FINALLY, but Cro-Mitch does not let Hugo out. Instead, he proceeds to thoroughly kick Hugo’s ass. Sookie forgets that he’s a traitor, and she tries to stop Cro-Mitch by jumping on his back. Cro-Mitch then starts to kick her ass and yes, obviously, it has to go to the rape place. *SIGH* I will keep my personal thoughts on this personal. Anyway, Sookie screams and we go back to Bill, who goes O.O as his Sookie Sense starts going off again. Lorena is just BLAH BLAH BLAHing in the background, and Bill tries a clever distraction of throwing a table at her, but Lorena gets to him just as he gets to the door, and OH YEAH, she has a stake to his back. Lorena says OMG I WILL END YOU.

And we flashback to 1935 and the domestic that we left, and Lorena shows her true pathetic self and is all OMG I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? Bill is begging her to let him go, but Lorena says OMG YOU ARE MINE. Bill loses his rag and starts screaming about OMG I KILLED PEOPLE FOR YOU and I DO NOT, I CANNOT, I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. OMG, this is so the wrong thing to say, and Lorena is literally shaking with rage, and if her accent wasn’t so terrible, I might believe her, but instead, her squinchy face and terrible accent ruin the scene. She says that men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one NAHT with her, but then she crumbles into the pathetic beast she is. It’s really disgusting, and it’s sort of a comment on how women are portrayed on this show.

Anyway, Bill continues to PWN her verbally until she PWNS him through a coffee table, and he picks up a piece of the wood and holds it out as a stake toward her. She’s all OMG YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH, but that stake isn’t for her. Bill begs her to let him go, and she says OMG CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, and Bill says TOO BAD BITCH! He starts to push the stake through his own chest, but Lorena stops him, and with bloody tears, she says, “As your maker, I release you.” Bill gets an O-face from this, and now we know where he picked up his favorite line!

We flashback to present time, and Bill says OMG YOU RELEASED ME. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, but Bill will never believe that, so he starts to fight, and just as Lorena starts to stake him, there is a knock at the door! It’s BARRY! HI BARRY! Lorena covers Bill’s mouth and says that Bill is TIED UP AHAHA but can she take a message? Barry relays everything that Sookie mind messaged to him, but Bill and Lorena are not the only ones who hear. As soon as Barry says “FotS“ and “basement“ and “sheriff,” Eric, who is across the hall, goes WHUT and vampires out of the room OMG SO QUICK and IS GONE, YO. Don’t let people get it twisted. Eric did NOT perk up when he heard Sookie’s name. It was when he said “sheriff” that Eric cared. Eric is NOT going to save Sookie because he OMG LOVES HER. He’s going after Godric. Because he OMG LOVES HIM.

Anyway, Barry finishes the message, then mind melds back to Sookie, who probably has to take a message because she can’t get to the phone since she is about to be raped, that it is the LAST time that he is helping, but before he can say anymore, a hand reaches out into the hall way and OMG GRABS BARRY AND PULLS HIM INTO THE ROOM! Now, I have gone back and watched this several times to check it, and the room he gets pulled into is Bill’s. Barry is facing Bill’s door, then Eric comes out of the room behind him, Barry turns around to go WTF, and so his back is now to Bill’s door. That is the door that opens, and we can assume that the arm that pulls him in his Lorena’s. OH NOES! BARRY!

Meanwhile, Sookie is about to get raped by Cro-Mitch, and it is very uncomfortable to watch, and just as he’s about to get down to it, something pulls him off Sookie! YAY! Sookie rolls over and looks and…IT’S GODRIC! A much different, more frat boy looking Godric, but IT IS GODRIC. GUH! And he is holding Cro-Mitch by the scruff of his neck, and Sookie goes o.O “Godric?” and Godric goes PWN…without saying a word.

Credits. The most hilarious song EVER, by the way.

PHEW. Next week, I think I will be killed. The first four seconds of the preview KEELED ME already. Godric says “I AM HERE, MY CHILD.” And Eric goes X_____X and then sacrifices himself to the FotS to save Godric? WHAT? DEATH! DEATH TO ME I SAY!!

Just a few things since this has already run on WAY too long. I’m hating what they are doing to Eric. I HATE IT. Everything that made me love Eric in the books is GONE. I don’t even know what the hell they are doing, but we better get AWESOMENESS after this. AND A LOT OF IT. The crying was FAIL, and his attitude altogether lately is FAIL. They better MAKE UP FOR IT. LIKE, A LOT.

Secondly, Godric is far less impressive to me now. I liked the raver-twink monster guy. Now he looks like a frat boy with a bad haircut. It doesn’t matter. Not really anyway. BECAUSE GODRIC PWNS. SRSLY. GUH. And his interactions with Eric are going to make me EXPLODE.

Good episode this week, mostly. There were a few things, but the good definitely made up for the bad. LIK WO. Thanks for reading!!

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Hard-Hearted Hannah" aka Welcome to Crazy Town

True Blood Season 2 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood…

Daphne turned into a doe, and it freaked Sam right the hell out! Jessica called Hoyt late and Maxine got very annoyed. Lafayette asked for his job back, and everybody wants to know what happened to him. Maryann announced she was moving in with Tara, but Tara said HELL NO! Sookie volunteers to infiltrate the FotS, Bill disagrees OF COURSE, but Eric is like YES SHE WILL BECAUSE I SAY SO. Tara pays the price for annoying Maryann, and that price is getting bitched out by everyone EVER. Douche Wife gifts Jason with the Holy Handjob, making the best face EVER. Eric reveals that he is so insane about finding Godric because Godric is his maker and he totally loves him forever, and there were SEXY SEXY VIKINGS! Tara changes her mind and lets Maryann move in…TO SOOKIE’S HOUSE. Bill wants to do a runner, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric, and Bill is growly about it, but then they get busy OF COURSE while OH NOES! Lorena is walking up the hall! EEP!


We open up with everybody’s second favorite Photoshop monstrosity, Hotel Carmilla, and I must again give a yell to my Team Carmilla mateys from the LiveJournal comm Definitely_Dead. Inside the hotel, there is horrible elevator music playing, and we see some kind of lounge thing, and Lorena is walking through said lounge thing, accompanied by OOOH OOOOH OOOOOOOOH music, which always means bad, bad news is coming. The next thing we know, we’re staring at Eric sucking some girl’s blood, and honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks so ridiculous. It’s like he’s looking off at something else and not really paying attention, so he’s kind of crooked, and the girl is going “OHHH, OHHHHH” like she’s in a porn, and then she says “That’s it, baby…” Mistake.

Eric pulls away, his lips all red and sexy, and goes -_- and shoves her away, going “Baby? I’m over a thousand years old…” Meals in Heels goes O.O and asks if he’s having a good time, but it is obvious he is not. Eric mentions that there just isn’t much thrill left in feeding on the willing. I knew it! He has a case of immortal ennui, which, honestly, I have always found annoying in vampire media. O, TEH_MISERY of being over 1,000 years old and incredibly hot! Shut it, BABY. YOU LIVE FOREVER. I think you can get over it. Meals in Heels asks if she should try being unwilling, and Eric looks PAINED at her stupidity and tells her only if she is VERY, VERY good at it, which, I have a feeling she will not be. So, he bites her again, and she pretends to be unwilling, and….she is horrible. I mean, really REALLY horrible. The best part is that as she’s yelling “YOU SICK, BLOOD-SUCKING BASTARD,” Eric sort of pulls back and looks at her and goes [>.<] and shakes his head. HEE. After about a second of trying, he pulls away and looks behind him and holds up a finger in the ‘wait a second’ gesture. He then says, “Buffy, go” and the girl gathers up some money. BUFFY? BUFFY!?! AHAHAHAHA. WIN. Then Eric throws Meals in Heels a bone and tells her to tell her manager she was magnificent and that he will back up her story if he calls. AWW. Meals in Heals leaves, and we see that Eric’s new visitor is…LORENA! WTF! Credits.

After the credits, we’re back, and OH LOOK, Bill and Sookie are all post-coital, and for a moment, I’m afraid we’re going to have to watch them do it AGAIN, but then we are saved by a knock on the door. Bill gets in his bathrobe and goes to answer the door, and it’s Isabel and her boyfriend, Hugo. We get a LOL because Bill is all HEY BABY BABY WHO IS THIS? And Isabel goes -_- HE IS MINE, CHICO. AHAHA, she gives Bill a dose of his own medicine, and I love her a little. Anyway, Bill heats up some TruBlood in the fanciest microwave I’ve ever seen, and he and Sookie have a sit down with Isabel and Hugo. Isabel says she knows Bill is worried about Sookie, so she is offering to let Hugo go with Sookie to the FotS. Naturally, Bill is suspicious, and Sookie reads Hugo’s mind, and all she hears is OMG FOREVER AND EVER I LOVE YOU OMG FOREVER, and so she says that Hugo totally loves Isabel, so it’s all right. I don’t know about you, but there is something suspicious about this. He just seems really intent on thinking that. Hmm… Anyway, Isabel says that the FotS will be less suspicious if a man is there with Sookie, and Sookie agrees, so of course, Bill is all OMG FINE.

Back downstairs, in the lounge of IS ERIC WEARING LEATHER PANTS??, this is exactly what I was worried about in last week’s recap, but whatever. I suppose I will have to get over it. Anyway, Lorena sits down across from Eric, and Eric lounges like a big sexy Swedish thing and says he thought about booking her the room next to Bill and Sookie, but he decided it was a bit over the top. AHAHA, oh, Eric. Lorena asks WTF about her being there, and Eric says that they want the same thing. Lorena sort of arches a brow, and then we get yet another get moment from Eric. “Okay…Bill has something I want, and he’s in the way.” HEEEEE! HE JUST SAID HE WANTS SOOKIE! Ahem, anyway. Lorena is not impressed with this because OMG A HUMAN? Eric goes on about how Sookie is more than human, but whatever she is, Bill loves her. As though this is supposed to be some kind of motivation for Lorena. Lorena asks what makes Eric thinks she wants him back, and Eric leans forward with this arms all THERE and LOVELY, and says, “Because you didn’t come all this way just to see me.” MAYBE SHE DID. HAVE YOU SEEN YOU? PHWOAR.

Anyway, Lorena gets all bitchy because she hasn’t seen Bill in over 70 years so why should she have any pull over him. Eric gets all bitchy back at her and says that he hasn’t seen Godric in much longer than that, but he’s still loyal…FIERCERLY loyal, bitch. OMG THUR LUV IS SO TRU! Lorena tries to be all sexy and gets in Eric’s face all HEY BABY BABY WISH I WAS YOUR MAKER, but then mentions that Eric is not her type, and so we know that she is a big vampy lesbian because ERIC IS EVERYONE’S TYPE. From the misty look in Lorena’s eye, we can tell that a flashback is coming up, and boy, oh boy, it’s one of the most hilarious ones we’ve seen yet. Prepare yourself. Ready?

AHAHAHA, Bill is sitting at a piano in Chicago in 1926, and his hair is all slicked back as he starts SINGING. Maximum hilariosity. I’m not sure if that’s his real singing voice, but if it is, Bill just shot up in my books. I know that’s his actual piano playing. Anyway, he looks totally hot except for the fact that he is SUPER pale, and Lorena is there, too, of course, dressed like a flapper, and it is not a good look for her AT ALL. Lorena sets her eyes on a couple sitting on a couch, and the woman of the couple looks like a transvestite. Seriously. Lorena asks them if they’re enjoying the entertainment, but she says it in the WORST French accent I have ever HEARD. I took five freaking years of French and she is…I can’t even DEAL with this. Anyway, the nub and gist is that Lorena likes the necklace the transvestite is wearing, and she invites the couple to stay after the party for a big orgy with her and GUILLAUME. Enough of that.

So, back at SEXhole Bar and Grill, Sam and Daphne are still on the pool table, which is so totally ruined, and Sam FINALLY asks Daphne about her Back of Nasty. She tells him that she has no idea what happened. She remembers it happening, but she doesn’t know what made the gross scars. UH HUH. I BET YOU DON’T. Anyway, she asks if anybody else knows about him being a shifter, and Sam says that Sookie knows, and Daphne gets a little bit growly at that, then they have a big chat about having shifter pride. I’m kind of put off by Daphne’s whole carpe diem philosophy because she’s a big fake, but in the end, they dissolve into SEXY SEX again, and Sam thinks Daphne is the best girl in the world OMG!

Back at Casa del StackhouseMaryann, Tara is trying to find a water pump because apparently, the one weekend that Sookie is out of town, the thing breaks. Eggs is trying to fix it, but he is apparently crap at home improvement, and Maryann is getting a foot massage from Weird Butler. When Weird Butler asks her how her coffee is, Maryann turns into a fucking dragon lady and starts burning down villages and eating peasants. OMG MY COFFEE AND THAT SHOWER WERE COLD YOU MUST DIE! Tara tries to put her in her place by saying she’s sorry she doesn’t have a fancier place for her to squat in, but then Dragon Lady turns her attention to Tara and promptly rips her a new one. WTF, Maryann? Who the hell do you think you are? I mean, REALLY. She is just a complete and total bitch during this scene, and there is a moment where I literally wanted to put my foot through the screen. Eggs makes motions that he wants to go with Tara to get the pump, and Maryann FREAKS out because she wants him there to fix the water heater “in case he can jury-rig something” and I went OMG WHAT? Because you and I both know what people say INSTEAD of jury-rig, and it just set my teeth on edge. Maybe I’m being sensitive, but still. I hate you, Maryann. I really, really do.

Over at Cult Camp, Luke and Jason are hurrying up to the church because, apparently, they have been summoned by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and Jason is very nervous because, as we know, he received the holy hand job from Douche Wife just the night before. But no, all Reverend Douche wants is for him and Luke to do some carpentry and build a platform with a cross on it. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Douche Wife seems very nervous about all of this, and Jason wants to know why they have to build this platform thing. Are they being punished for something, he asks, and he can’t stop staring at Douche Wife’s finely manicured nails. Douche Wife is no fool, and she tells Jason to STFU and be grateful for the JOB he’s been given. AHAHA. Oh, Douche Wife, you are winning me over. She points out that Jesus was also a carpenter, so Jason should shut up and like it, and Reverend Douche is all AHAHAHAH.

He decides it’s time to let Jason and the Lukeanator in on the plan, and just as we all suspected, this platform is being built for a ceremony called “Meet the Sun.” The book readers in the audience go BOOHISSNOOO, but for those who haven’t, to “meet the sun” is when a vampire commits suicide by staying out in the sunlight at dawn. It looks like church is doing this against the vampire’s will, but that is not always so. Apparently, the FotS makes a big celebration about of this, and that is what is happening in a few days time. I guess we know where Godric is. Jason is visibly disturbed by this chain of events, but Jason knows, just like all of us Southerners know, you do not become a wrench in the cogs of the church. They will mow you the fuck down.

Back at Hotel SOOKIE WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, Hugo gives Sookie a fake engagement ring to wear, and they start going over the plan once they get to the FotS. Hugh mentions that it’s probably a good idea that he does all the talking, and we agree because we know that sometimes Sookie gets brain-mouth disease and a mess just comes flowing from behind her beautifully gapped teeth. Sookie agrees and says she’ll just stand there and look pretty, and Hugo goes O.O because apparently someone warned him about the Cape, and he tells he that’s not what he meant. Sookie shows him that her hideous dress is actually the Cape in disguise and tells him YES, IT WAS what he meant, but it’s okay. It’s okay? Sookie, are you feeling all right? Sookies says that plan is good because she’ll be able to concentrate on listening to their thoughts instead of making coversation. She tells Hugo that she’s had plenty of experience hearing the horrible things that people say about vampires, so she is the perfect person to pretend she is a vampire-hater.

Then, of course, the conversation drifts into the uncomfortable area of the relationships between humans and vampires. Sookie is actually cute and vulnerable for a minute when she asks if Hugo and Isabel fight, and Hugo tells her yes, but it’s okay because all the other whores he’s dated…well, he didn’t care enough to fight with them. Um, whut? AHAH. Sookie agrees with me, but then her world is destroyed because Hugo brings up how wigged out Isabel gets when he mentions her turning him. Sookie says that this thought NEVER ENTERED HER MIND NOT ONCE, and I have a hard time believing that. Hugo does too, and he reminds her that Bill will still be smoking hot when she is a wrinkly old woman, and how could he ever love her if she’s like that? Sookie is properly traumatized, and then they set off for the FotS! YAY!

So, now we’re on the highway of Let’s Make Fun of Maryann, and Tara and Eggs are driving in Maryann’s car, and then suddenly, Eggs gets all weird and starts telling Tara about geographical markers on the road. He claims he has never been there, but he knows exactly what is coming up on the road, and he makes Tara pull over, and he jumps out of the car. Tara is freaking out, and, personally, I have no idea WTF is going on, so I am with her. Eggs just starts wandering into the woods, leaving Maryann’s very expensive car behind. Hmm.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is trying to be all cute with Terry, and she tells him that she has a surprise for him, but Terry reminds her he doesn’t like surprises. I mean, really? This comes as a shock, Arlene? Terry is just so cute I can’t stand it. Daphne is over at Maxine Fortenberry’s table, and she reminds us that she is the worst waitress ever. Maxine jokes about how all the good waitresses keep getting killed, so maybe it’s a good thing that Daphne is crap. Ex-Detective Andy walks in and tells Sam he wants to talk to Lafayette. YAY LAFAYETTE! Lafayette is buttering some rolls in the kitchen, and Andy points out what we’ve all been noticing. He says that Lafayette has lost some of his pizzazz. So true, Andy. So true. Lafayette, who is wearing fabulous blue eye shadow btw, just sort of brushes it off. Then the magic of Lafayette returns for just a minute, coupled with the weird magic of the Epileptic on Meth. It is as follows.

Andy: So, for the record, where were you all that time?
Lafayette: I was on a cruise.
Andy: A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise.
Lafayette: A gay one.
Andy: …
Lafayette: Andy, why don’t you go head an tell me what you accusing me of.
Andy: You weren’t on any damn gay cruise. ‘Cause if you were, you would have come back with MORE pizzazz, not less.

AHAHAHAHA. I love it. Terry has walked in during the middle of all of this, and he’s sort of watching the scene all o.O, and Lafayette has just about enough of this, until Andy threatens to take him down to the station and lock him up. “Lock you up” is obviously the trigger to Lafayette’s complete and total freak out, which is what he does, and he huddles down into a corner. Terry is watching this, and he knows exactly what is up. Then…and I can’t believe that I am able to type this words…the greatest moment of this show SO FAR occurs. Again, prepare yourself.

Lafayette is all shuddering and freaking out, and when he looks back at Andy…IT IS NOT ANDY. IT IS ERIC. IT IS ERIC WEARING ANDY’S CLOTHES, AND ANDY’S VOICE IS COMING OUT OF ERIC’S BODY. It is BEYOND hilarious. Mostly because Askars is making Andy-like expressions, and just from the shape his mouth takes, you can tell he’s making it look like he speaks with a Southern accent. This moment is just BEYOND fantastic. Thank you, Alan Ball. Thank you. Anyway, Terry tells Andy to GTFO and reminds us that Andy isn‘t even a cop anymore, and then he cuddles with Lafayette and tells him it will be okay, as a new wave of fan girls is born across the internet. The Terry/Lafayette ship is born.

Back out on the floor, Hoyt comes STORMING in, and he throws his phone down on the table in front of his mom. Apparently, she has shut off his phone, and Hoyt is all worried that Jessica will think he’s “one of those guys who never texts back.” AHAHA. Maxine says that is fine because Jessica is OBVIOUSLY a WHORE and a GOLD DIGGER and YES, A WHORE REMEMBER because only gold digger whores call late at night. Hoyt has obviously had enough of this, and he tells his mom to turn his phone back on, and OH YEAH, Jessica is not a whore gold digger, she is a vampire SO THERE. Maxine is all scandalized because I guess she would rather Hoyt be dating a whore gold digger than a vampire. AHAH. Greatness.

Back in the back by the soda machine, Sam is all OMG DAPHNE because he lurves her, and he tells her they should skive off work and go shift and play in the woods because he keeps looking at his pool table and thinking about SEXY SEX. OMG, they are getting so annoying. Daphne agrees, and then Sam follows, so I guess Shithole Bar and Grill has no manager for the day. Sam, you are about to hit the ground so hard your teeth are going to rattle. I can’t wait.

Over in the Cult Camp Shop Class, Jason and Luke are thinking up vampire killing nursery rhymes and discussing the ins and outs of sin as they build the big platform of death. Luke tells Jason that he was just joking about Douche Wife wanting his man parts, and he thinks that Douche Wife is totally so holy it’s not even funny. HOW WRONG HE IS. Then we get another great moment, and we find out that Luke thinks adultery is right up there with incest or bestiality. Jason’s face is so priceless during all of this, and Luke goes on and on, and he lets us know that adultery, incest, and bestiality put TOGETHER aren’t as bad as sleep with a vampire…or a dude…or a vampire dude. There you have it, folks. The worst sin on the planet is GAY VAMPIRE SEX.

At the same time as this is going on, in the background, we see a car pull up, and then we realize it’s Sookie and Hugo (which begs the point, didn’t Sookie see Jason? Or doesn’t she remember that he’s there? Anyway.) They pull into the parking lot, traffic being directed by Douche Wife herself, and Sookie comments that she recognizes her but, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding. O.o Anyway, Douche Wife and Sookie have a nice-off, and Sookie totally forgets the whole “Hugo does the talking” part of the plan, and she talks WAY more than she normally does. Douche Wife CLAIMS she happened to be looking out the window just as they were driving up, but I don’t believe that for one second. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. Anyway, Sookie delivers the story that they’re looking for a church to get married in, and they are thinking of the FotS for their ceremony.

In Reverend Douche’s office, Sookie and Hugo go on with their story, and right behind Reverend Douche is a HUGE picture of Jesus, which is just funny to me for some reason. Sookie finally gets down to business and starts reading Reverend Douche’s mind, and right out of the gate, she gets that he’s thinking about the platform of death and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement to give him the justice that 2,000 years of living couldn’t. So yes, it is Godric, and Sookie just smiles and pretends like she’s a bigot, and she’s actually very convincing.

She gives us a nice segue into vampires being blood-thirsty and vicious, and we see Lorena laying down somewhere, totally fingering some necklace that looks VERY similar to the one that the transvestite was wearing in the earlier flashback. And we get ANOTHER flashback, and the orgy obviously isn’t going to so well because Bill has the guy and Lorena has the transvestite, and it is obvious that this Bill is not the Bill we know and love(?) today. He is mean and vicious and HORRIBLE, and I FREAKING LOVE IT. It’s so insane of a scene because Bill is just BAD, and they horribly murder the couple, (complete with very realistic neck wound) and we see that Bill was a bad ass at one point, but sadly, he no longer is. We also see that the necklace that Lorena was fingering is the one that Bill ripped off the disgustingly mutilated transvestite. He rips it off and gives it to Lorena, and then they proceed to have very hideous and slightly violent sex, completely covered with blood and sinew. It is disgusting, and yet…I want to have Bill’s evil vampire babies. WTF. What a mind trip. I can’t even deal with Bill being evil. It’s too much awesome for me. Thankfully, Lorena remains disgusting, and it is obvious that she was a big liar because she totally still loves Bill.

Back in the Woods of Egg’s Is A Freak, he and Tara have been walking forever, and they come upon some weird campsite. Tara is totally freaked out, and so is Eggs. He says he’s been there before, but he can’t remember it, and there are weird markings on rocks, and clothes with blood on them, and the whole thing is just bat shit crazy. They find a scary rock with blood all over it, and Eggs starts crying and freaking out. Mostly, I just have no idea WTF is going on, and wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STORYLINE. *SIGH*

So, we head back to Cult Camp, and we’re about to be shown the Church of Eternal Creepiness. Reverend Douche warns Sookie and Hugo to be careful because sometimes when they open the doors, so much AWESOME SNUGGLY GREATNESS comes FLYING OUT that it knocks you down. You know, as much of a douche he is, I really think that the guy playing Reverend Douche is really good at it. There is something totally hilarious yet completely terrifying about him. Anyway, they throw open the doors, and we see that the church has huge windows so that tons of sunlight comes in, and suddenly, Sookie starts to lose her shit. I guess she has finally realized that this place is not a SUPER FUN AWESOME place, and Reverend Douche is all OMG HAVE YOU BEEN TO A LOCK-IN? And I go YAY THEY’RE BACK TO THE BOOKS! While Reverend Douche is telling Sookie about the lock-in, she reads his mind and finds out OH NOES! He knows that she is not there to find a place to get married! He knows all about her and her mind reading powers, and this is BAD BAD BAD for Sookie.

She also hears Douche Wife who is thinking that she doesn’t want to bring Sookie into the mess, but Reverend Douche calls Sookie a ‘fang loving freakazoid’ in his head, and Sookie just sort of gulps and has the O, SHIT look on her face. O, SHIT indeed, Sook. This is when things get even WORSE when Cro-Mitch walks up, and the music starts picking up, and it’s all crazy violins, and OH NOES!

Then suddenly, we’re driving down Drunk Ex-Cop Road, and Andy is drinking and driving when suddenly, a collie and a HUGE FUCKING PIG cross the road. OMFG DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Daphne is the pig! DAPHNE IS THE FUCKING PIG, and she is with Maryann, and I KNEW IT. Okay, so I thought Eggs was the pig, but whatever. I knew that Daphne was bad, and now we know that she is! ANYWAY, Andy tears off after them screaming, “PIG! HEY, PIG! WAIT UP, PIG!” And then he trips and falls in the grass, and Daphne and Sam run off and shift back all AHAHA THAT WAS AWESOME. Sam asks Daphne why she turned into a pig because a doe is so much cuter, and he mentions that it was like Andy recognized her. Daphne tries to brush it off, but Sam keeps on all WTF that was weird, and then Daphne plays dirty and says OMG SHUT IT and slides down to her knees to give Sam an oral exam. And all I can think is, DUDE, HE WAS JUST A DOG. YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON DOG JUNK. And then I think OMG YOU WERE JUST A PIG. SAM, THERE IS A PIG MOUTH ON YOUR DOG JUNK. And then my brain exploded.

So, now we’re in the freezer at Shithole Bar an Grill, and Lafayette and putting some stuff away, when suddenly the door opens, and it’s PAM! YAY PAM! Though her hair is ridiculous. She has her sunglasses pushed up, and it’s just not very cute. Anyway, Lafayette has a freaking heart attack, and Pam is all AWWW HOW CUTE. Lafayette asks why they didn’t glamour him because he totally has PTSD, and Pam just laughs because OH, CUTE HUMAN. She tells him that Eric sent her, and she holds up a bottle of V and tells him that he is back in business. Lafayette says OMG NO, but Pam says OMG YES. Lafayette doesn’t understand because they tortured him for selling V, and now they want him to sell V? Hmm…Eric has some kind of plan, and it is probably a scary and insane plan, which means good times for us!

Back at Cult Camp Church of Creepiness, it gets even MORE creepy because Reverend Douche tells Sookie and Hugo they are going to see his father’s tomb! YAY!. Um, WHUUUUT? Douche Wife doesn’t seem so keen on this plan, and Reverend Douche INSISTS, and the crazy music starts, and Sookie starts panicking. They make up some excuse that they are claustrophobic, and Reverend Douche is all OMG GO DOWN THERE, pointing down some creepy stairs to what looks like a stereotypical sex slave basement, and Douche Wife is all OMG NO, and Sookie is all AHAHA WE HAVE TO GO, and the tension just builds and builds an BUILDS until FINALLY, Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch grab Sookie and Hugo and start forcing them down the stairs! AHHHH! Douche Wife is screaming, and Sookie is screaming, and way back at Hotel Carmilla, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and just as he is about to jump up and go and save her, LORENA jumps on him! OH NOES!

Sookie is fighting for her life, hanging onto the railing, and Reverend Douche calls Sookie the C-Word, and even Douche Wife goes OMG STEVE! Lorena is trying to sex it up with Bill, and Bill is trying to get up, but it’s just no use. Apparently, since Lorena is his maker, she has some crazy super strength over him, and he is just powerless to get up. It’s actually a really horrible thing to see. She starts kissing him just as Sookie is dragged down in the Cult Camp Sex Basement, and Douche Wife is all freaking out and says OMG SORRY and slams the door. PHEW. That scene just completely took it out of me, so I was not prepared for the madness that was about to follow. Because I care, I tell you, yet again, PREPARE YOURSELF.

We go back to Casa de Dragon Lady, and Eggs and Tara walk into the house, and it is TRASHED, YO. I mean, seriously. Tara and Eggs are all WTF and they walk through the house and randomly pick up a joint as they look for any signs of life. There are clothes scattered everywhere, and they go out back, and we hear some creepy drum music. Tara and Eggs walk through the mountains of clothes, and when they come up into the clearing behind the house, we see…there are almost no words for the hideous sight before us.

It is yet another orgy, and this time, it is a real orgy. Instead of just sexy dancing and hilarious foot antics and dirt eating, it is SEXY SEXY AND MORE SEX. I mean, this is by far the most sex they’ve had on the show at one time, and it’s probably more sex than the whole of all the episodes so far. EVERYBODY is there. We have to see Creepy Mike Spencer getting it on with Jane Bodehouse, and Terry and Arlene are there, and everybody has the black eyes, and instead of making sexy noises, they’re all grunting like animals all UGHHH UGGGHHHH, and it’s just GROSS. In the middle of it are Weird Butler, who is wearing a hilarious robe, and Maryann who is doing her hippy hippy shake, and there is a bull head mask on the ground beside her. PHEW. At least this means that she doesn’t turn into the Bull Man Thing, she just LOOKS like she does. She gets the crazy claws, but the head is fake. I am relieved. Tara and Eggs just go WTF, and Maryann looks at them all YEAH? WHAT? And then continues on her merry way.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Back at Hotel Jailbait, the window shades are rolling up, and Jessica jumps up out of bed in her underwear and immediately checks her phone. No calls or messages from Hoyt, and she acts like an annoying teenager and throws her phone. Then she acts like an annoying teenager some more and pours $45 bottles of TruBlood down the sink while casting a petulant look at Bill‘s door. *SIGH* WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE HER? Then suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and when she goes to answer it, it is Hoyt. And he brought her flowers. And now everyone thinks they are so fantastically wonderful and cute. (Okay, Hoyt is cute, but them together…NEVER.) I am now, more than ever, convinced that she will be dead before the end of the season. That is just the way these things go.

It’s nighttime at Cult Camp, and Jason is walking into the Church Kidnap, and Douche Wife is up in the balcony crying, presumably because of the whole thing with Sookie and because she hates her husband. Jason goes up to comfort her, but Douche Wife spills the beans instead. She tells Jason that the Soldiers of the Sun are actually an army to start a war with vampires, and she just cries and cries because OMG MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE and…”he uses the c-word!” At that moment, I grew to love Douche Wife, just for a minute. Because in the next minute, she and Jason are getting it on IN THE CHURCH because GOD WANTS IT. IT’S GOD’S PLAN. And I hate her again. Though I have to say she is very cute without a shirt. Anyhoo…

Then we’re suddenly back in DON’T TRUST HER Woods, and Daphne is leading Sam somewhere, and I think we all know where that somewhere is. Sam hears the drum music and says, “In my experience, no good can come from drum music. You follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults.” AHAHAHAH, how right you are, Sam. Because in the next second, Daphne turns completely insane, and two random orgy-goers jump out of the woods and attack Sam, and they drag him over to the site of the orgy from hell, and now even Tara and Eggs are in on it, and the whole thing just makes me really, really uncomfortable. Sam is completely freaked out, as he should be, and the black-eyed crazies drag him over to Maryann, and Daphne has the craziest voice EVER as she joins Maryann and gets the bull head mask ready for her. She puts it on Maryann, who starts talking in that crazy language, and then Weird Butler brings out a big ceremonial knife, and Sam starts SCREAMING LIKE A LOON, and SO DO WE! AHHHHHHHH!

End credits.

I mean REALLY. WHAT THE HELL? Does anybody else feel completely insane after watching that mess? WHOA. At least I am seeing some semblance of the books coming back, and they are really making up for the snore fests we’ve been watching, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?

What did you think?

Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

aka Snape is the Mack Daddy of Harry Potter PWNAGE

Pincers. That's all I have to say.



Kidding.

So, I saw "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," and I'm of two minds about the whole thing.

WARNING WARNING WARNING! SPOILERIFICUS TOTALUS AHEAD!

AHAHA, how can you spoil a movie about a book that has been out for five years? I mean, really? You know you've read the book, so how can it be spoiled?

Anyway...

Let me say this first. I have always been able to separate the movies from the books. I am able to watch the movies and think, "Okay, this is the story that they are telling in the movies. Anything that does not happen in the movie DOES NOT HAPPEN." That is how I've always been able to like the movies.

That being said, I really really really like HBP. There were problems, yes, but no problems that I could not overlook. I enjoyed every minute of it, though it does make me really worry for DH 1 and 2. How are they going to fix everything they've left out of all the other movies that ends up being so important? How can they just expect us to forget everything up to this point? They can't, so they have a lot of scrambling to do to make all of us psychos happy by the time the credits on DH 2 roll. Otherwise, I will be a very angry little Slytherin.

HBP is my favorite of all the Potter books, so I had high expectations, but I wasn't expecting miracles. There is only so much you can do, and just like always, I knew things would be cut--important, wonderful things, but in the end, something has to go, and someone has the unfortunate job of deciding what stays and what goes. Without further ado...

THE GOOD:
--Bellatrix. This movie really should have been called "Harry Potter and the Look How Badass Bellatrix Is" She's just all over the place with her CRAZY CRAZY self, and she is fantastic, especially the Unbreakable Vow scene. GUH.

--Quidditch. AHHHH. I'm so glad that when they finally did bring Quidditch back that they did it right! It was all cool looking, and it was totally brutal, and HEEE GINNY ON A BROOM. Good stuff. I wish there was more Quidditch in the movies. You can never have enough Quidditch.

--Draco. FINALLY this kid gets a chance to show that he can act. It is unbelievable how sorry you feel for him. He does an amazing job, and by the end, when he pulls up his sleeve and shows his Dark Mark, I felt like I was punched in the gut. It was just strangely heart-wrenching that this kid, this poor, poor child had to go through all of this, and he went through it alone. It's just terrible.

--Michael Gambon as Dumbledore. A lot of people have hated this guy since he took over in PoA, but I never did. Of course, at first, I was sad because I wanted the original, but then I realize that he was just fine. I like Michael Gambon a lot and I think he was doing a great job. That was until I saw him making the fire swirl of doom to kill the Inferi and then I FREAKING LOVED HIM. GUH. It was so strangely poetic that he would suddenly show us the greatness of Dumbledore right before he died.

--Slughorn. Jim Broadbent is fantastic, and though I thought he should have been fatter to be Slughorn, and, of course, he didn't have the walrus mustache, he was awesome. I kept thinking of "Moulin Rouge" the whole time though. Unfortunate side-effect of being me. I can never forget other, memorable roles that actors have done, hence the reason I loathe and despise Paul Reiser because he freaking fed Ripley and Newt to the face-huggers. DAMN YOU, PAUL REISER.



THE BAD:
--The Siege of Hogwarts. Oh, you don't remember that part? THAT'S BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. UGH. We get the stupid burning down on the Burrow WHICH IS NOT IN THE BOOK, but yet we don't get the most awesome scene in the book (possibly one of the most awesome in the series)? WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THIS MAKE?

--Lavender Brown. Could there be a more annoying character? She ranks up there with Dobby and Moaning Myrtle. YES, we get it. WE GET THAT THEY ARE TEENAGERS IN LOVE. She was just absolutely EVERYWHERE and so insufferable. I'm not sure if that means it was good casting or what. Either way, GTFO, Lav.

--Snape. So far, every single time that Snape has freaked out in the book has been left out of the movies. This one was especially bad. He and Harry have a freaking duel on the Hogwarts grounds, and there's that lovely DON'T CALL ME COWARD bit, but did we see that? Nope. We saw him totally own Harry with one spell then casually say "I'm the Half-Blood Prince" and then he sauntered off. Why do they insist on keeping him so understated? There is NOTHING understated about Severus Snape, and they're really starting to piss me off with this shit.

--Avada Kedavra. Yeah, it's green, guys. Not blue. Though it might have just been the lighting in the scene because everything looked blue. If that's the case, it should have been SUPER green.

--Harry/Ginny. I do recall there was a bit more description of their relationship in the book. I would have liked to have seen that, honestly. It seemed cheap that most of it was taken out.

--Sirius. Remember how he died in the last movie? Remember how devastated Harry was? NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO. Ugh, I really felt like we should have seen more of Harry's sadness, but I guess there's enough emo going around that we didn't need left over from the movie before. Meh.


THE RANDOM:
--a lot of people are apparently miffed about the Room of Requirement and all that went on in there. On the one hand, it looked exactly as it was supposed to. On the other, if Harry didn't hide the potions book, then he never saw the diadem of Ravenclaw and so in DH, he won't remember having seen it. I'm guessing he'll just go, "Oh, it's probably in the RoR!" I'm okay with that, I guess.

--another complaint was that there was no funeral scene. I honestly don't care about that myself. They got the emotional pay off with the wands to the sky bit, which I liked, actually. I didn't need to sit there for twenty more minutes watching his funeral. It would have been all right had they included it, but I'm not going to yell and throw things just because they left it out.

--Hey, did you know Bill and Fleur are engaged and getting married in DH? Why leave this out? The Death Eaters attacking at the wedding after Kingsley's patronus shows up and tells them about Scrimgeour is AWESOME. Now, I doubt we will see that because there is no mention of them in this movie. I know from paparazzi photos that they have filmed the burial of Dobby at Shell Cottage which is where Bill and Fleur live, so I'm sure they're going to do some fancy work to make it all okay.

--I'm just generally worried about DH 1 & 2. They have a big mess to clean up from all the other movies. There is SO MUCH they have to cover, so it's a good thing we're getting two instead of just one, which honestly, is how GoF and OotP should have been. I have faith in them, but I can still be worried, and I am. Very, VERY worried.


All in all though, I totally loved it. HBP is my favorite of all the books, and though a lot of what made it my favorite was taken out, I still thought this movie was great in the context of all the other movies. You can't be mad at one movie for following the trend set by all the others. Look at them as two separate things, and you'll enjoy them much more.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Never Let Me Go" aka ARE YOU SERIOUS?

True Blood Season 2: “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood…Bill throws Hoyt out for getting all handsy with Jessica and it’s for Hoyt’s protection srsly, guys. Tara tells Maryann she’s going to live with Sookie, and Maryann thinks that idea is hilarious! Sookie also tells Tara she’s going to Dallas because it was a deal to save Lafayette, and Tara didn’t know Lafayette was back, but now she does and she also knows everything that happened to him. Jason gets recruited into the FotS’ crazy vampire extermination squad, and Douche Wife starts putting the moves on him in her sexy little nightgown, and the boys tell Jason she’s a big nasty skank, but Jason doesn’t believe it, ya’ll! Some random guy tries to kidnap Sookie from the airport, but Bill saves the day and finds out that it was the FotS that did it. We also see a flashback to remind us of who made Bill, the horrendous Lorena. AHAHA, we see how Eric came and gave Lafayette the Healing Elixir to make him feel better, presumably because Eric is all “intrigued” by Sookie and wants to get on her good side. Maryann throws Tara a b-day party to remember, Sam and Maryann get all snippy in the kitchen, and Maryann shows us that she is the Bull Man Thing! Sookie meets Barry the Bellboy, who is telepathic like her, but he runs away when she tries to talk to him. Daphne reveals she knows Sam’s secret! Gasp and shock!



We pick back up at the party at Sookie’s Roadhouse, and Sam and Daphne are walking through the woods away from the party, and Sam goes “Uh, what did you say?” Daphne is walking and taking off her clothes, going -_- at Sam, and Sam just keeps on saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and I think he might have even had the nervous AHAHAHAH laugh. Anyway, Daphne goes on about how she could see the loneliness in Sam’s eyes, and how it doesn’t have to be that way, and Sam is STILL going “HUH? WHUT?” but by this time, Daphne is pulling down her dress, and her gross Back of Nasty only slightly diminishes the fact that she has butt cleavage showing that is very cute, and she disappears behind a tree. Sam goes to chase after her, saying “I ain’t in the mood tonight, little girl,” and part of me goes HEEEE, CUTE! And another part of me goes O.O CREEPY. Little girl? Ick and yay! I’m so confused. Sam goes and looks in the bushes where Daphne disappeared, and instead of her, he finds a doe, a deer, a female deer! Sam sort of stares at it and goes, “Well, hey!” as though he has been friends with this deer his entire life and doesn’t realize that it’s Daphne. But then the deer turns into Daphne, and Sam goes O.O in the most hilarious OMG face I’ve ever seen, and we go to credits, so I guess he really didn’t know that it was Daphne. What a dork.

As I said in my voice post, possibly the best before the credits bit yet.

After the credits, Sam is just O.O and completely freaked out, and he’s holding all of Daphne’s clothes and pointing, and he’s just so cute. Anyway, he asks how Daphne found out about him, and it turns out that when Sam and the collie were having their run and jumping into Lake Merlotte, Daphne was being a creepo and watching, and she saw a dog go into the water and Sam come up in it. Sam is all AHAHA, and then Daphne says, “Isn’t this great?” and Sam agrees, but I am a student of the Way of Too Good to Be True, so I can already sense this isn’t going to end well for Sam. A pretty girl who is also a shape-shifter all suddenly in love with him? Yeah, that happens every day. For the moment, I’ll let Sam be cute and enjoy himself. They start kissing, and at that exact moment, Terry and Arlene come stumbling in, and Daphne and Sam go O.O. Sam tries to hide Daphne’s total nakedness, and Daphne says, “Oh, crap. Hand me my drawers.” AHA. Sam tries to play it off, and I just so happened to pause my DVR at just the right time, so you can see that Terry has the biggest cheesiest smile ever, and Arlene just looks SCANDALIZED. Terry’s hair is all messed up and cute, but Arlene still hates Daphne, so Daphne takes that time to run away, and Arlene comments “It’s in the air, I guess.” Sam is all AHAH, and Terry looks like he’s about to freak out and start killing insurgents. He then picks Arlene up and says, “Come on, special lady” and carries her away. HEEE. I love him. I really do. Sam just sort of goes o.O and goes to look for Daphne.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Sookie is still chasing Barry the Bellboy (HI, BARRY!) down the hallway, and I swear to you, he looks like the Busch brothers from NASCAR, and it’s very distracting. Anyway, Barry wants nothing to do with Sookie, but Sookie sees a new BFF, so she is not letting this one get away so easily. As he’s trying to run away, a guy comes zombie-walking up the hallway, his neck all bitten and bloody, and we get our first chance to see what it’s like inside the head of a person who has been hypnovamped. Apparently, it’s “fog and disco music.” Neat. Anyway, after that little interruption, Barry tries to run away again, and Sookie asks him if they’re able to hypnovamp him. Barry says no, but he pretends, which really is kind of smart, except when they want you to do something you don’t want to do and then you show them that you’re not hypnovamped. That is the point, I’d say, they’d kill you. Anyway, Barry seems really freaked out by the whole situation, especially when Sookie mind-asks him if he can hear vampire thoughts, and Barry finally stops and turns around says OMG NO AND DON’T EVEN SAY THAT. Sookie kind of snickers because she didn’t say it, actually.

Barry finally turns around and lays into Sookie. He calls Bon Temps a “fried corn-on-the-cob town,” and tells her that her vampires are lame compared to his because this is Dallas, baby. Oh, Barry. You don’t know Sookie, so you don’t know the mistake you just made. Sookie whips her Cape out from under her fluffy bathrobe, and tells him to watch his tone of voice and NOT to call her “baby.” Barry fills Sookie in on the fact that the Dallas vampires are freaking bad asses, but frankly, if Godric is the only one that we know of that is older than Eric, who is more badass than him? No one I can think of. Anyway, Barry is under the impression that if the vampires knew what he could do, they’d suck him dry, but that doesn’t really make any sense either. I mean, Eric, Pam, Chow, and Bill know what Sookie can do, and she’s just fine. ANYWAY. Barry says he doesn’t want to be Sookie’s BFF and storms away. Sookie just sort of stands in the hallway and goes “UGH!”

Back in the room, Bill is admonishing Jessica for ordering room service, and she points out that, technically, he never said she couldn’t order room service. Bill equates Jessica eating the Meal with him letting her watch porn, which is when Sookie walks in, and Jessica says OMG PORN, SOOKIE, and Sookie goes, “I know. Yuck.” Whatever, Sook. You and Bill make porn together all the time. Bill sends Jessica to her room, and she makes one of those comments that are turning out to be her signature. “You are going to be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.” As soon as Jessica is gone, Bill starts asking Sookie OMG WHERE YOU BEEN, and Sookie LIES right to Bill’s face and tells him she was asking about candy machines and continental breakfasts. Bill does not like this at all, and he tells her she can’t be wandering off because things are Dallas are more complicated than they thought.

Sookie tries to get all cute and gets all up on Bill, telling him how those vampires can’t touch her because every part of her belongs to him. I’m so sure that’s going to stop them, Sook. Sookie tries to be all SEXY SEXY, but Bill totally puts a stop to that for the first time in history. Sookie seems a bit put out by this. Then I get my first LOL of the night. Bill says to Sookie. “Tell me you understand. Promise me you’ll do as I say NOT because I say it but for your own sake.” AHAHA. He makes SURE she knows it’s not because he’s telling her because Bill has enough going on without having to worry about the Cape coming out and smacking him about the neck and shoulders. Sookie comments that she knows there’s a lot of shit going on, and she totally doesn’t want to get beaten up or dead, so she won’t do anything stupid. (RIGHT.) Then Sookie gets that gleam in her eye, and tells Bill to just STFU for once and enjoy their little vacation. Bill is not the type of guy who enjoys anything, so Sookie plays dirty and takes off her robe to show of her little white nightgown, and that gives Bill DERR Face. She pushes him back on the couch and goes on about how the hotel is “LAHT-TAAHT” so they have something to celebrate because they get to spend the whole night together. Okay, so that is kind of cute, I have to admit. They dissolve into making out, and I’m sure SEXY SEX is to follow, but thankfully, we don’t have to see it.

So, in the other room, while her vampire dad is getting it on, Jessica uses her stolen cell phone to call Hoyt, who answers his phone, “You’re talkin’ to the maaan.” AHAHAHA. I should point out, he’s reading a comic book in his bedroom, which is in his mother’s house. Anyway, Jessica is all “You might not remember me…” but Hoyt totally remembers her, and they have a schmoop-off to see who can make us more sick. (I should bring up another point from my voice post. Everybody screams about Bill/Sookie schmoop, but then everything LOVES Hoyt and Jessica and THEIR SCHMOOP IS WORSE.) This is the point when Maxine walks in and starts yelling at Hoyt for having phone calls so late, so Hoyt pushes her out and locks the door, then settles down to do that thing that everybody does when they are fifteen on the phone--let’s watch TV on the phone together, or, I KNOW, I’ll read you my comic book. HOW ROMANTIC. *headdesk*

Over at Cult Camp, we see Jason sleeping peacefully in his bed of MARRIAGE KILLING, and then suddenly, some guy who looks like a more Cro-Magnon version of Mitch Pileggi (Skinner in the HIZZY, YO!) comes in and blows an air horn. Jason flies out of bed, and Cro-Mitch tells him to OMG GET UP AND GET YOUR SWEATS ON FOR JESUS. Outside, the Jesus Warriors are lining up for morning PT? I am not even sure what’s happening here. Is this God Army? I mean, honestly. At least there is an ample portion of Luke pwnage because Luke can eat it. Jason and Luke have a push-up contest, and Jason starts to do one-armed ones, which is pretty hilarious. Cro-Mitch says, “ I pray Jesus isn’t watching this crap today.” I wish I wasn’t watching it either. Oy.

Back at Sookie’s Roadhouse, which has turned into Tara’s House of Lurve, she is waking up with Eggs in her bed (the person, not the food, thankfully, though after that party, who knows) and she has some quiet reflection moments where she puts her ear against Eggs’ chest, presumably to listen to his heart beat. Weird, but okay. Then she turns over and grabs the Photoshop Monstrosity and looks it all lovingly. This is when Eggs wakes up, and they have some morning schmoop where Tara tells Eggs all about how great Gran was. I know I should be happy for Tara, but something about all of this just isn’t right. I’m telling you that Eggs is going to turn out to be some weird Maryann robot who is just there to give Tara what she wants. Hopefully, he will bite it in the end, but probably not.

Anyway, it’s also morning back at Second Worst Photoshop Ever Hotel, and Sookie is waking up beside Bill, and we see her upper girl parts in shadow because we just can’t go an episode without seeing AP’s fantastic nakedness. Bill is all snuggled up with a pillow because he’s used to sleeping in the dirt under his house. It’s sort of cute. Remember how Sookie said she wasn’t going to do anything stupid? Well, she doesn’t either because she totally sneaks out of the hotel room and goes down to bother Barry some more. I mean, it’s not like the vampires are going to be up to bother her or anything, but so far, most of Sookie’s troubles have come from non-vampire folk.

Downstairs, Barry is setting up the continental breakfast, and Sookie, who apparently has never stayed in a hotel ever, thinks the continental breakfast should be more continental. Grouchy Pants Barry grumbles, “Well, the danishes are Danish, and they’re free.” OMG FREE? Sookie is very excited about this, but let’s face it, I would be, too, because I love free stuff. No matter what it is. If it’s free, I want it. Sookie tries to get down to business, but Barry still wants nothing to do with her. Sookie just doesn’t get this point, and she’s sort of becoming an annoying stalker. We find out it’s because Barry is a saddo about his ability. He thinks it’s a curse, and he’s never really figured out how to block people out so he’s a little crazy. Barry forever has a place in my heart because of one moment in this scene. Sookie is babbling on about…well, who even knows what…but she says, “But lately, since I met my boyfriend…” and Barry rolls his eyes and goes -_-. HA HA, Barry, that is how we all feel these days.

Just then, some hideously awful fang banger’s thoughts come into Sookie and Barry’s heads, and she’s going on about getting her girl parts waxed, and Barry is all O.o and Sookie tries to help him learn to shut her out by jabbering on inside his head a million miles a minute. Barry looks like his head is going to explode, and, thankfully, the fang banger walks over to interrupt. Barry starts to walk off with her, but Sookie is not to be deterred, and she grabs Barry’s arm and tells him he can control it and that she can be his teacher. Poor Barry is just overwhelmed, so he tells Sookie to GTFO and then runs away. Sookie settles for taking a banana and goes back up to her room, defeated but not beaten.

Back upstairs, Sookie changes into a nightgown and tries to crawl back into bed with Bill before he wakes up, but of course, he does wake up, and we find out why we don’t see vampires in the day time. WHOA. Bill looks completely haggard and scary--I mean, more than usual--and he, of course, gets the mega-hump about Sookie wandering off into the hotel. She tells him about Barry, and then Bill gripes at her for telling Barry what he is, but Sookie just does not see why this is a problem. Barry is a grouch, and Sookie thinks he’s harmless, but Bill goes on and on about how everybody knowing about Sookie’s mind-melding makes it harder for him to keep her safe. Sookie has had about enough of this talk, and she gets on her soapbox about how she is SO great at mind-melding, and if she was just supposed to come to Dallas to be quiet and take orders that she might as well be back at Shithole Bar and Grill serving beer. What? How does that analogy even work? Sookie makes my head hurt when she tries to be intelligent. Sookie reminds Bill that he’s the one who told her she’s more than just a waitress. OH, so it’s BILL’S fault we have to deal with her this way! DAMN YOU, BILL.

Actually, if I remember correctly, and I’d like to think I do, when Bill said that, it was in a totally different context, but whatever. Bill knows this is a lost cause, so he gets all pouty and sits up, and Sookie is all OMG BILL TALK TO ME. Uh oh, she’s starting that thing that women do that makes men run away. But Bill is no ordinary man, and he starts on about how he’s supposed to keep Sookie and Jessica safe, but none of the decisions that are made are his. WELCOME TO LIFE, BILL. Sookie pipes up and is all AHAH LIKE A HUMAN? But Bill says NO, LIKE A WAITRESS. AHAH, owned, Sookie. Sookie makes a stupid reply of “You’re walking in my shoes, and it’s giving you blisters.” Like Sookie’s shoes as a telepathic waitress are just SO uncomfortable and you have to have SUCH SKILL to walk in them. OMG STFU, Sookie. I’m not saying it’s not hard to be a waitress. It totally is. But there are harder things, like, I don’t know BEING A VAMPIRE IN A HATEFUL AND BIGOTED WORLD WHERE YOU ARE HUNTED FOR YOUR BLOOD? Ugh. Sookie is really testing my patience anymore.

Then Bill brings up that Eric is “strangely intense” about everything that’s going on, and that makes Bill nervous. Sookie is all PFFT WHATEVS AT ERIC, but Bill reminds her that he is a crazy badass who doesn’t care about anybody. His exact words are something like, “What’s it to him to break a contract with a girl?” And Sookie goes -_- and flaps her Cape about and says “A WOMAN.” Bill actually laughs. Go, Bill! Sookie says that Eric needs her (HEE!) and that he won’t want to make her mad. AHAHAHA WHUT? I’m so sure Sookie is SOOO SCARY when she’s mad that Eric will be nice to her. I THINK NOT. Bill then tries to get all serious again, saying he can’t lose Sookie, and Sookie answers that he never will, and their love violins start playing, but it’s really hard to take them seriously because they are underneath a purple comforter. A VELVET, PURPLE COMFORTER.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is sitting down smoking and drinking a soda while Daphne is working, and they get into a little spat. Terry walks in, and Arlene is all HEY, BABY, BABY, and Terry just sort of goes o.O at her. Awww, Terry. They then give him a PTSD moment about making some ice tea, and…

This is the point where I went back and read what I had written, and now I totally get Sookie’s attempt at analogy because ALL waitresses do is shut up and take orders! So, actually, it is a good analogy, but WTFever, Sookie. You’re getting paid to work, not to have a brain, so STFU.

Anyway! Arlene chases after Terry to make him feel better, and Sam comes out, so he and Daphne get all googly eyed at each other. Sam asks her why she ran off, and she tells him she always needs a run after a shift, and that she thought she had blown his mind enough for one night, I mean, with all the shifting and nakedness. Sam is all NUH UH, and I am more and more sad by Daphne’s inevitable betrayal. I just feel it coming. Arlene is being all nosy about this, but as Daphne is walking away, Arlene goes O.O and YAY, it’s Lafayette! He is looking his fabulous self, and wants to talk to Sam. This should be interesting.

Except that it’s not. Lafayette doesn’t tell him a damn thing. He just wants to know if he can have his job back. Sam tries to have a big fight with him, but Lafayette really doesn’t say a word, and in the end, Sam gives him his job back, of course. Meanwhile, Lafayette looks totally pretty, and I love him, but there’s something about this scene that is off-putting. He was just sort of blah and sad, and that is not the Lafayette we saw last week who was humping a chair. I hope he gets himself worked out AND FAST.

Back at Vampire Killing Boot Camp, Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch are chasing the recruits around in a Gator, going on about being out of ammo and vampires chasing them. The whole thing is just insane. Just then, some loser guy falls down, and Jason tries to get him to get back up while Luke just leaves him behind. Jason warns him to pace himself, and Luke is all AHAH THIS IS MY PACE. Jason grumbles and catches back up, leaving the loser behind, and Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch zoom on past him, too.

In the kitchen of Guests That Won’t Leave, Maryann is cutting up fruit, and there is fruit EVERYWHERE. Where does she get it all? I mean, this is ridiculous. Do they eat anything else? Tara comes in and sees her and is all o.O about why she is still there, and Maryann drops the bomb that she, Eggs, and Weird Butler are going to stay there and live with her! YAY! Tara does not think this is YAY because doesn’t Maryann have that big beautiful house? Maryann reveals that no, it wasn’t her house, it was a client’s house and he came home from Peru or something. What? What? A client? What kind of client? So Maryann is homeless? What the hell is this? Tara feels the same way and tells Maryann that they can’t stay there. It is, after all, Sookie’s house. When Tara tells her this, Maryann gets all hurt and upset and storms out. Isn’t that how it always is? People claim to do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but when they want something in return and you can’t give it, they get all pissed off. In Maryann’s case, it’s probably not such a good idea to piss her off, though.

Tara goes into the living room where Eggs is playing the guitar, and Tara is all like WTF? Eggs is like oh, yeah, we’re homeless, but if you don’t want us to move in, whatevs. Tara is just flabbergasted, and now she wants to know just what the hell is going on. She’s mad about being lied to, and then she asks what the hell Eggs’ deal is with Maryann. “I’m not her dog” he says, and I say AH HA! A clue! Eggs tells Tara it’s really about her being so messed up from having a crazy alcoholic mom that she doesn’t know what family is. I beg to differ, sir. She has horrible Photoshop proof that she knows what family is! Then Eggs gets all huffy and huffs out. Poor Tara.

Back at Cult Camp, they’re making the recruits climb a fence, and when Luke can’t do it, Cro-Mitch is all OMG YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD ON THE OTHER SIDE, and Jason loves this shit so much that when Luke fails, Jason jumps up on the fence and gives Luke a hand up, telling him he can do it. Luke hates it, but he takes Jason’s hand, and Jason proceeds to push him off the fence. AHAHA, Jason 2, Luke 0. I should note that Douche Wife is all HEY BABY, BABY during all of this.

And now the part everyone has been waiting for! ERIC! We’re in some fancy house, and I can only assume that the two other vampires in the room are Stan and Isabel. Stan is just as hilarious as I always imagined, and the chick who plays Isabel was on The Dresden Files, and I hated her, so I hate her on principle. Sookie, meanwhile, is wearing yet another hilarious outfit, and it is a dress that looks like it’s made of a huge red bandana. Her hair is a tragedy, and I just have to laugh myself silly at the styling going on here. I mean, what? Eric is all pacing and bitchy, asking if they are sure Godric was kidnapped by the FotS, but the Isabel and Stan can’t agree. Stan wants to annihilate the FotS, but Isabel is all “OHH, vampire hating church annihilated…wonder who did it.” BWUAHA, good times. Bill goes on about how the King of Texas wouldn’t like it, but Stan doesn’t care, and Isabel mentions this isn’t the time for a power play. Hmm…

This is when Eric freaks right the fuck out and is all OMG YOU ARE INCOMPETENT. Stan and Isabel are all o.O THE FUCK? Isabel reminds Eric they only invited him to be nice and that he has no say in Texas. Stan is all AHAH YEAH take your puppets and go home. Eric is all UH, NO, and Sookie has to flap her Cape and point out that she is no one’s puppet (except, she totally is.) Bill tries to diffuse the situation by coming up with a plan. Stan says he has a plan because OMG THIS IS WAR, and Eric just goes IDIOTS and dramatically stalks from the room.

Back at the Mansion that Jesus built, we see Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife having an argument while Cro-Mitch tries not to hear. Obviously, Douche Wife is not happy with the status of her home life, and she thinks Reverend Douche is getting all insane about Jesus Boot Camp and not paying enough attention to her. Aww, poor Douche Wife. Jason comes downstairs at that moment, and Douche Wife is all OMG JASON! They act like nothing is wrong, and they tell Jason that he’s risen to the next level. When Jason asks what that is, Reverend Douche grabs him up and leads him off to show him. Douche Wife is all “I’ll go too!” but Reverend Douche says WE GOT THIS. Douche Wife goes ;_;

On the way down to the super secret room, Reverend Douche is all OMG MARRIAGE YUCK. Jason is slightly scandalized by this, but Reverend Douche is all never mind about that. Look what we have! LOTS OF GUNS! Guns, flamethrowers, bows and arrows--it’s just a mess of weapons for vampire killing. This place just went from hilarious to totally frightening. Reverend Douche mentions they’ve got a guillotine on order, except he pronounces it “gill-o-teen” which makes me hate him a little bit more. Not to mention Jason, who picks up a rocket launcher and joins in on the fun. *SIGH* Unbelievable.

Outside Shithole Bar and Grill, Maryann and Weird Butler pull up, but Maryann tells him they aren’t going inside. She stares all intensely at the bar with laser beam eyes. Uh oh. Inside, everything starts to go to hell. Apparently, along with working everybody into a SEXY SEXY frenzy, Maryann can also make them fight. Everybody starts screaming and yelling at Tara, and the whole thing would be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t so sad and terrible for Tara. Arlene is probably the most hilarious one of all of them, which is saying a lot since I hate her. Anyway, finally Tara has had enough after we hear TARA! TARA! TARA! TARA! Like a million times, and she tells everybody OMG FUCK YOU and goes to the end of the bar to collect herself. Outside, Maryann looks like she just had an orgasm and says, “We’re done.” and they drive away. OOOH, BITCH.

Back in the tackiest bathroom ever, Jason is having a bath, when suddenly, Douche Wife sneaks in! Jason is all O.O, but we have seen this coming for a while now. After a moment of her smooth talking, where she talks about Mary Magdalene and Jesus and shows off her SEXY SEXY bath poof, Jason totally gives in, and he gets a Holy Handjob. Honestly, though, from the way Douche Wife was acting, I don’t know that this is a normal thing for her. She seemed nervous, and she looks like she genuinely likes Jason as more than just a friend, not just somebody to jump. Eh, either way, WHORE.

Back at Stan’s House of Terrible Plans, Stan is going on about his terrible plan of killing everyone in the FotS, and Isabel is screaming back at him about what an idiot he is, and in the middle of their little spat, Eric shows his incredible skill of PWNING random décor by violently destroying a vase, and FREAKING out. He’s all, “OMG GODRIC IS AWESOME AND YOU GUYS SUCK.” ASkars’ accent starts to slip out when he’s angry and yelling, and I LOVE IT. Bill tries to cut in to, again, diffuse the argument, mentioning that HELLO, YOU HAVE A TRAITOR. Sookie remembers she is in the room after staring at Eric all O.O for about a year and reminds them that she was totally almost kidnapped, ya’ll. Bill mentions that they were the only people who knew that Sookie was coming, and they start accusing each other until Sookie gets fed up and decapitates them all with her Cape.

She tells them that is going to infiltrate the FotS, and Bill goes OMG NO, and Eric is like SHUT IT, BILL. Sookie tells them it’s totally easy, and nobody knows who she is so they’ll never suspect. She’ll sneak it, listen to people’s thoughts, and then be gone. Because, yes, everything on this show goes as planned, especially things that Sookie plans. Stan is tired of this nonsense, so he puts on his cowboy hat and is OUT, YO. Isabel agrees that it’s probably the easiest way to get what they want, and Eric makes the proclamation that Sookie is going to do it, and that is that. Bill looks properly bitch slapped, and he asks Eric for a word. They slip off together, and Bill finally gets down to it. He is all WTF ERIC? Remember the Bull Man Thing? Everything is crazy! Eric just keeps that same face he always has, and Bill asks “All this for a colleague?” WTF IS UP WITH YOU AND GODRIC. Eric gets that slack-jawed face everybody gets when they’re about to have a flashback, and…

FLASHBACK! We see three SEXY SEXY Vikings, completely with furry boots and shields, and one of them is Eric, and they’ve obviously been in a pretty rough battle because Eric is messed up big time. The other two lay him down, and I swear it looks like he’s wearing and old-timey version of his black tank top. I almost laughed myself silly. Anyway, Eric is all OMG LEAVE ME, I AM FINISHED, and the Vikings just be Vikings and talk about Valhalla and beer and women, and they’re like AHAHA ERIC LOVES WOMEN. So, they pick him up and take him to camp, and he’s laying there totally dying, when suddenly, some crazy THING starts running around totally killing all of his men. I mean, it is blood fountains everywhere, and Eric is all o.O, and then we FINALLY get to see Godric.

And this is when I had to pause because I couldn’t stop laughing. Godric looks like he’s about twelve, and he’s all covered with tattoos, and he looks like a twink at a rave. I mean, SRSLY? This is the guy who made the awesomeness that is Eric? A RAVER TWINK? AHAHAHAHA, I love this show. Anyway, Godric is looking at Eric like he’s totally in love with him, and he goes on about how he watched him on the battlefield and how he’s OMG SO MAGNIFICENT. I mean, this guy is seriously crushing on Eric like there is no tomorrow. Eric takes a moment to bitch about his men getting killed, and even on his death bed, he’s totally awesome and says he would totally fight Godric for killing his men. That’s when Godric is like HEY BABY, BABY, and is all “Wanna be my companion?”

Again, tons of lulz for me because Godric makes this speech how he will be Eric’s father, brother, and child (AND LOVER AHAHA), and in classic(!) Eric fashion, Eric’s response is, “What’s in it for me?” AHAHA. Of course, he agrees because this means he gets to live, and Godric bites him, and Eric is all >.<, and then we flashback to present time, and Eric is all emo and answers Bill by telling him that Godric is his maker. That is so not what Bill was expecting, and Eric sort of looks down all ;_; because his daddy is missing.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, it’s closing time, and since only Sam and Daphne are left, we can assume it’s also SEXY SEX time. They start talking about what it’s like to shift, and apparently, it involves a lot of pressure on their neither regions. Wow, sounds like fun. O.o. Anyway, they start getting naked on the pool table, and then…I shit you not, this is what is said.

Sam: Well, are you going to say it, or should I?
Daphne: Say what?
Sam: Nice rack.
Daphne: Nice balls.

OMG SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? *stabstabstab*

Anyway, back at Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill are walking back in, and she stops him and says she has some human business to attend to. She goes over to the counter and asks if Barry is working, but the receptionist says that Barry quit. AHAHA, way to go, Sook.

Tara comes in after her disastrous day at work, and we have the second ARE YOU SERIOUS moment of the show. Maryann, the guest who will not leave, is sitting at the kitchen table DRESSED IN AN APRON LIKE GRAN. She is even reading a book, and I’m pretty sure that book was called HOMESICK. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! Tara is wigged out by this, too, and Maryann makes sure that Tara knows they went and looked at houses but they couldn’t find anything but they’d be out by morning. Oh, by the way, Tara, Maryann also put all your favorite things in the fridge and made you dinner. *headdesk* This is when Tara, of course, tells her that she doesn’t want her to go, and says that she will call Sookie and it will be all right OMG PLZ STAY. Oh, that Maryann is a sneaky bitch.

Then we’re back in the Room of I Hate Vampires But I Am One, Bill is going on about how stupid and petty Stan and Isabel are because they live together, and Sookie starts going on about how Bill isn’t like that because he has a heart even though it doesn’t beat. She says there wasn’t another vampire in that room that could say that they are able to love, but AHAHAHA, HOW WRONG SHE IS. Bill wants to sneak back home, but Sookie says no because she gave her word to Eric. Bill then starts on about how if anything happens to Sookie at the FotS, but she shuts him right up and tells him it’s no big deal. Then of course, she has to put the moves on him, and Bill says that it’s been a long night, and she doesn’t have to…you know…because he’d be satisfied to simply hold her. HEE, Bill is being cute, but Sookie has to ruin it because OMG SHE WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED. She wants him “every which way.” Sookie has turned into such a nympho, and, of course, their love violins start, and they get down to business.

But then…walking down another hall, we see…LORENA! NOOO, and she hears what’s going on in that room, and she gets this look in her eye that cannot mean good things for Sookie. OH NOES!

End.


Next week, YAY PAM!


THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE BOOKS, SO IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS FOR UPCOMING STUFF, DO NOT READ IT!

The little promo for next week shows what I think is Eric having summoned Lorena to show up in Dallas. I do not like this idea if that is indeed what we are seeing. It seems like he’s trying to push a wedge between Bill and Sookie, and those of us who have read the books know that this is not how it happened. What happens between Bill and Sookie is free of Eric, and that is what makes it so horrible. If he is using Lorena to get between Bill and Sookie…I’m not sure I can forgive the producers. That is just such a cheap way to go. We’ll see, I suppose, but I am worried.