Recap: True Blood Season 2--"I Will Rise Up" aka Eric Northman is a Cry Baby

True Blood Season 2: I Will Rise Up aka Eric Northman is a Crybaby


Previously on True Blood…

Eric and Godric have a big man-love reunion, Eric asks Sookie to trust him, Douche Wife shoots Jason in the man parts with a paintball gun, Jason PWNS Douche Wife, Lafayette tells Tara Eggs sucks, Eggs tells Tara that Eggs sucks, Maryann feeds them Daphne’s heart and they have a fight club, Daphne is found in Sam’s freezer and Sam is put in jail, Sookie runs in to save Sookie, but Jason actually saves her, then Sookie saves Eric, then Godric saves the FotS, and EVERYBODY IS SAVED. Bill tells Eric that Sookie will never be his, and we all laugh for days, then Lorena shows up and tries to claim Bill, but Sookie screams at her, and Godric saves Sookie from Lorena when she gets fangy, and Bill eschews her with a firm hand just as the Lukeanator shows up at Godric’s Party Palace. HATE CRIME GO KABOOM!



So, this week, we open up a few seconds before where we left of last week, and the Lukeanator has come to the party, and he brought the fireworks! AHAHA, oh, I suck. Anyway, he tells Jason to get away from him, and let’s note that Jason is still like RIGHT behind him. He says SCUSE, VAMPS. FotS PWNS! Outside, Bill and Lorena are still talking, and Bill says that it doesn’t matter if they ever meet again because she is DEAD TO ME, YO. Lorena is like OH, YOU WILL REGRET THIS, and then she vampires away dramatically. Then, as if someone is trying to tell Bill that HE WILL REGRET THIS, Godric’s Party Palace totally BLOWS UP. HATE CRIME! Bill pops a fang, and then vampires inside.

OH NOES! It is chaos and dust and destroyed Ikea furniture, and there are guts and people screaming, and I really do think this is better than just having them shoot up the place like they do in the book. Anyway, Bill is frantically searching for Sookie, and when he finds her, everybody goes LMAO because Eric is like SPRAWLED out on top of her in the best Jesus pose we’ve ever seen, and he’s all UGH and Sookie is all SQUASH. Bill goes to hold Sookie’s hand, and Eric is like I SAVED HER, and his fangs look SO pretty. Then he picks up his head a little and tells Bill to get the humans, and Bill growls and looks back, and there’s some little guy with a crossbow peeking in the window all IM IN UR BUSHES, STAKIN UR HEARTZ.

The little guy goes EEP and runs away, and we see there’s another guy who jumps in a car, and the little guy jumps in the back, but it is too late. Bill grabs him and drags him out of the car and throws him on ground all PWN. The guy goes O.O and says that they really didn’t think the Lukeanator would do it, and Bill is like WELL HE DID, YO, and then he bites the guy’s neck VICIOUSLY, and suddenly, I want to have Bill’s vampire babies.

Credits. HEE!

After the credits, we see Godric and Isabel appear, and they seem to be okay, so Isabel goes around checking on people and pulling wood out of legs, and Godric is looking around like ZOMG NO, MY PARTY PALACE…or, you know, SAD BLOWED UP VAMPS. Whatever. Then we go back to where Eric is still sprawled on top of Sookie, and Sookie finally goes OMG GET OFF, and she practically tells him he’s fat as she struggles to push him off of her. She sits up and starts screaming for Jason--Jason who was RIGHT BESIDE LUKE--and after yelling for him for a bit, Jason finally peeks out from under some rubble, and though he’s covered in Lukeanator pieces, he’s okay. I suppose we’re meant to believe he dived behind the fireplace wall, and that is what shielded him from the blast. WHATEVER.

Anyway, Sookie turns back, and Eric is groaning and moaning, and Sookie’s like UH OHS. And then we get either the WORST acting I have ever seen OR the most hilarious moment of Eric since the show begins--I can’t decide which, but I’m going to lean to the side of HILARIOUS because Eric goes “Had to…shield you…” all breathy and dramatic-like, and Sookie is like WTF? HEAL NOW PLZKTHNX. Eric says no can do because of the silver, and Sookie starts to go get Godric, but Eric grabs her arm and says, “No…time…Sookie…help…” And Sookie goes UH, NO because “it’s too gross…and it’s you.” AHAHAHA, I love you, Sookie. I LOVE YOU. Then hilarious Eric is all “Dying…dying…” and he actually goes “UGGGHHHH” as he lets his hand drop like he’s dead. Sookie goes [>.<] and says “SON OF A MOTHER…” And then she leaps into action.

She bends down and starts sucking on a hole in Eric’s neck, making the grossest slurping sounds EVER, and you know…this isn’t quite as sexy as I imagined it. Anyway, she sucks for a while and then finally spits out a piece of silver, and says WOOT! WIN! But Eric says ACTUALLY, NO. And his pectoral muscle looks like of flat and weird, so I’m assuming he means there’s one there, and Sookie goes OMG WTF, but she pulls down his RUINED tank top and then BLOOD COMES OUT OF HIS NIPPLE LIKE A FOUNTAIN. *headdesk* Anyway, she starts a-sucking, and Eric picks up his head and then GRINS like a LUNATIC all AHAHAHA I WIN. You go, bb! That is the Eric I know and love!

Back outside on Poor Stupid Kids Street, Bill has finished biting the poor stupid kid, and the kid starts freaking out, and Bill says for him to tell the Newlins who were bitches that sent kids to do their dirty work that a vampire showed mercy like Jesus where they had none. Then he shoves the kid away, and the kid goes flailing down the street.

Inside, Jason is stomping out some little flames that are still burning, and he looks completely devastated, as though he’s finally realized what he had been a part of, and then he spots something and goes “LUKE,” and yes, it’s just a few of the Lukeanator’s fingers, his Ring of Honesty still on. I thought for a minute that Jason was going to hold them or try to do a secret handshake. THIS IS HOW MY MIND WORKS. Anyway, Isabel is walking by in her fierce boots, and Godric asks her who’s dead. Isabel tells him that Stan and some other vampires we don’t care about plus some humans. Stan? Cowboy Stan? ;_; I’d be more sad if he had been Book!Stan, and I guess we’re going to have to find a new future sheriff for Dallas. And Godric’s like WORD.

This is when Bill comes wandering back in to find Sookie, and he finds Sookie all right. He finds Sookie sucking blood out of Eric’s Viking Nipple, and Eric has his head propped like he’s relaxing on the beach! CLASSIC. In the middle of guts and chaos, Eric is just chillin’ like a villain with a human girl drinking his blood. Such win. Bill goes WTF? Sookie sits up and says I SAVED HIM YAY, and Eric sort of purrs, “She was superrrrbbbb.” Then the look that Bill gets on his face is so terribly awful. It makes my heart hurt for him. He sort of averts his gaze, and he looks like somebody just killed his puppy, and he says that Eric was in no danger. Eric slants a gaze at Sookie that says I IZ PIMP, and Sookie goes WTF?

Eric admits he lied, but it was only a “tiny falsehood,” and Bill looks DISGUSTED as he tells Sookie that he was already healing and that the bullets would have pushed themselves out. (Okay, are they bullets really? No, they’re shrapnel, but whatever.) Bill looks like he’s about to start crying as he tells Sookie that this was how Eric forced her to drink his blood. (While he’s saying this, a big piece of the Lukeanator goes sliding inconspicuously down the wall. GROSS.) Sookie goes O.O and starts saying NO, NO, NO, and Eric just lays there like YES, YES, YES. Bill tells Sookie that now Eric can sense her emotions and such, and Sookie goes “YOU BIG LYING A-HOLE!” to which Eric responds, “Bill, you’re right! I believe I can sense her emotions.” AHAHAHAHAHA. Then Sookie punches him right in the stomach and jumps up so Bill can comfort her, to which Eric says, “Sweet.” Sookie says she will never do ANYTHING to help him EVER AGAIN, MONSTER! Eric vampires up like TA DA, and Bill says OMG NOT YOUR FAULT, to which Eric responds, “I think I’m gonna cry.” And Sookie shoots him eye laser beams LIK WO. AHAHAHA.

So, Isabel tells everybody to listen, and when nobody does, Jason walks up beside her and is like YA’LL SHUT IT! Godric tells everyone to go to the Hotel Carmilla just in case the FotS comes back, and everybody starts filing out. Sookie is wiping her mouth off all OMG GROSS, and Bill gives Eric laser beam eyes, and Eric sort of looks at him like WHUT? I’M EVIL as Bill and Sookie leave. Eric stops to look at Godric, and Godric takes one last look at his ruined party palace, crying a metaphorical tear for his obliterated Ikea throne, and he leaves, too.

Back at Hotel Dumb Bitch, Sookie is coming out of the bathroom, and she’s going on about ZOMG HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH A DUMB BITCH? Bill says that Eric did take shrapnel bullets for her, so at least they’re both alive. This obviously isn’t enough for Sookie because she says she should have known better than to believe a single word out of Eric’s mouth. Then she is terribly cute as she says, “I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?” You’re a vampire groupie nice person, Sookie. That’s all. AHAHA. Bill says that Eric has had a thousand years to become a good liar, and that he did it to prove his power over Bill. Hey, Bill, bet you wish you didn’t try to man-handle him and say SHE IS MINE, YO back at the Party Palace, now do you? HA!

Sookie says she spit most of the blood out, but some of it had to go down, and Bill tells her that it only takes a few drops. Sookie says that the worst thing is that Eric will be able to tell where she is and what she’s feeling, but Bill goes O.O and says, YEAH NO. Bill tells her not to be surprised if she starts being attracted to him, you know, sexually or something. Sookie is like WTF? HE IS GROSS, but Bill says it’s going to happen, so just prepare yourself for SEXY SEXY DREAMS. Bill says it would have happened sooner or later because Eric was determined to have the bond with her, and Sookie just goes OMG! It’s very, very cute because Sookie says, “I could kill him.” Bill actually goes -_- and he says “I concur.” HEE!

Back at the Old Compton Place, Hoessica is in full-effect, and Hoyt is trying to comfort Jessica about being a perma-virg, and Jessica is saying that maybe there’s an operation she can get done because OMG VIRGIN FOREVER. Jessica gets all dramatic and tells Hoyt that he should break up with her, and Hoyt it like OMG SHUT IT NO. In fact, he wants her to meet his mom, and I’m SO SURE that’s going to go well. (Personally, I think it will end with Maxine staking the hell out of Jessica, but that’s just me. :D) Whatever, this can be paraphrased as JESSICA AND HOYT REMAIN CUTE BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hoyt sings to her as she gets into the hole in the floor, and YAWN.

Over at Casa de Fight Club, Eggs and Tara and up and feeling the effects of their insane cannibalism. They’ve very bruised up, and Maryann comes in and says WHOA and she’s right because WHOA. Maryann blames it on some acid and calls them hippies, and Tara and Eggs are like STFU. Maryann goes on about how being in control is just some box society puts us in, and WE NEED TO BE OUT OF CONTROL OMG. Tara says she doesn’t want to be blacking out, and Maryann says some crap about it being a higher state of consciousness, and Tara is like WTF NO because her mom blacked out for years and NOT FUN.

Maryann starts talking about Indian villages and shamans and their madness, and how everyone thought they were crazy, and Tara is like YEAH BECAUSE THEY WERE. Then Maryann almost starts CRYING telling her how NOT CRAZY they were because they were trying to get closer to their god. WHUT? Tara and Eggs go WHUT at each other, and Maryann gets all shitty and tells them that a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss, then she cheerfully says BLOODY MARY, ANYONE? Can I say again how much I HATE THIS BITCH? Don’t try to make her deep and shit. YOUR TEARS DO NOTHING BUT ENRAGE ME, Ro LarenMaryann. GTFO.

Over at Mayberry R.F.D., Sam is sitting in his cell watching a fly, and Bud is OVERWHELMED by the amount of crazies he has locked up. Said crazies are getting crazier by the minute, and they’re all screaming from inside the cells that are way too full. Jane Bodehouse actually says, “All I did was lose my pants! There’s no law against that!” AHAHA. What I’m wondering is if half the town is locked up, who is running the Grabbit Kwik? Bud is like STFU to all of them, and Sam finally joins in and says that he has no evidence to keep him locked up, then he beats up his jail bed in frustration.

Back at Hotel Cuckold, Bill is sleeping but Sookie gets up, and she’s goes and knocks on Jason’s door. Jason peeks out all cute and lets her in because neither of them can sleep. They have a big heart to heart on the bed about all kinds of things. This scene to me is AMAZING, but nothing escapes my snark, so here we go! They talk about how Jason was always the star of the family, and how Sookie was the weirdo. Jason says they liked him for his athletics, his good looks, and his SEX ABILITIES. AHAHA, Jason, I love you. He says that the Newlins acted like they cared about him for him, and it was a lie, but they kept his head from being too full of stuff that he won’t talk about. Sookie does says WTF about the Soldiers of the Sun, and she asks him what Gran would think, but Jason freaks out and won’t talk about Gran OMG WON’T.

Sookie says that they can’t forget her or stop loving her because it hurts, and Jason starts to cry a little, and it BREAKS MY COLD, DEAD HEART. At this point, Jason realizes that he and Sookie really are alone in the world, that they are all that is left of their family, so Sookie says they have to grow up and stick together. Jason apologize to Sookie for everything he’s ever done because he’s a dumb ass and a fuck-up. Sookie agrees and tells him HI USE YOUR BRAIN and you wouldn’t be. Jason is all sniffly, and Sookie tells him that she always loves him even when she wants to “stick his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard.” AHAHA, that is the Sookie we know and love. Jason wishes that Sookie was normal and had a normal boyfriend, but Sookie is like WTF, I didn’t have a choice. Then they decide to lay down and watch TV, which is what everyone does after a big, emotional heart-to-heart.

Guess who is on TV? The Newlins! YAY! Reverend Douche has a big red mark on his forehead where Jason shot him, and they are telling everyone that Godric VOLUNTEERED to be held prisoner. Nan Flanagan is there, too, being her usual great self, and she tells the Newlins that they used their church to form a terrorist group, and Reverend Douche is like NUH UH. Nan rips them a new one, and Douche Wife steps in and says they’re fighting for the earth and sunlight and Christmas and Easter eggs, and this is when I go AHAHAHA WTF? This is also when Reverend Douche cuts Douche Wife off, and Douche Wife has obviously had ENOUGH. She starts saying how the Reverend Douche can’t handle not being the center of attention, and “I hate your hair.” AHAHA DOUCHE WIFE. I love you, A LOT. Anyway, Jason calls them a “witch and a sumbitch,” and that’s pretty much dead on.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, there is this bitch in there who wants to see where Daphne’s dead body was, and she even has a camera, and Arlene is like WTF SICKO and kicks them out. Arlene is freaking out because at this point in time, she’s the only waitress working there, and she’s overwhelmed. She goes to talk to Lafayette and tells him how scared she is, and she thinks that there’s a curse, and Lafayette gives her a shot and tells her that he’ll look out for her if she looks out for him. Terry yells ORDER UP and Arlene goes to get it. She goes to the little window, and Terry won’t look at her, and he’s being very weird, and this is when Arlene starts crying and freaking out because she thinks he‘s still weirded out about them doing it. Terry tells her not to cry, and that he doesn’t mean to be “peculiar…at her” and he also mentions that HI he can’t remember what they did, so it’s not terrible! YAY! Hmmm. Arlene goes OMG YAY because he doesn’t remember either, and I guess this means they made up.

Tara and Eggs come walking in, and when Lafayette takes one look at them….oh, man. Tara says OMG IT WASN’T EGGS. But, HI, it was, and Lafayette is like OMFG HOOKUH WTF? Tara says she doesn’t know what happened, and Lafayette does not accept this. He says WTF to Eggs, and then it gets nasty. Eggs says that he doesn’t hurt women, and Lafayette tells him he’ll show him what it’s like to get his ass beat. And then the moment comes that makes me hate Eggs forever, and there is no coming back from me hating you for this.

Eggs’ response is “You might want to take those eyelashes out yo eyes!” This is a disgusting homophobic insult, and Eggs is DEAD TO ME. In fact, I hope Eggs GETS DEAD. FUCK YOU, EGGS. Anyway, Lafayette starts to get rowdy, telling Tara that Eggs is poison and that he’s never going to change, and Tara gets in between them, which is the wrong thing to do because when they start fighting, Eggs totally hits Tara right in the face to get to Lafayette. Oops, I GUESS YOU DO HURT WOMEN, FUCKER. Everybody in the place is watching and is like WOOOO GET IT, and finally Tara pushes Eggs out the door and leaves with him. All the customers are like WOO HOO LAFAYETTE, but Lafayette is like OMFG SHUT IT REDNECKS. Randomly, I think Lafayette would win a fight between the two of them.

Over at Maxine's House of Toaster Oven Lovin’, Maxine is ripping Hoyt a new one for running off to Dallas as she’s making him a hilarious sandwich, and Hoyt is looking at her like he’s going to stab her at any minute. The nub and gist of this scene is that Maxine thinks Hoyt is a different person since he met Jessica, and Maxine wants her SWEET BAYBEE OMG back. Also, Maxine hates Methodists, Catholic priests and nuns, African Americans (“Hush! That‘s a secret!”), people who don’t take care of their gardens, people who park their trucks up on their lawns, ladies who wear red shoes (“It looks cheap!”), families with lots of kids, checkered curtains, cats, dogs, bait(?), and every girl Hoyt has ever liked. AHAHAH, oh, Maxine. She then says that she “simply objects to a girlfriend who will kill you and eat you,” and I suppose she has a valid point there. Hoyt has had enough of this shit, and he tells Hoyt that he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, and if she’s not nice, he will leave OMG! FOREVER OMG! He finally screams that he’s NOT A BABY OMG! HE’S A GROWN ASS MAN! And then he contradicts that by taking half of the sandwich that she made him and leaving. AHAHA. Oh, Show. I love you.

Back at Hotel SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE Dreams, Sookie is back in bed with Bill, but when she rolls over, the screen goes all gauzy, and OMFG THANKS BE. She’s in bed with ERIC…NAKED NAKED VIKING ERIC. She rolls back over to look at him, and he tells her to finish telling him why she thinks she won’t be a good vampire. Sookie's boob says it’s because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, and Eric goes HA HA with this big dorky grin, and his hair looks REALLY weird not all slicked back. But HE IS NAKED, though really we can’t see much. The two of them are all schmoopy and wonderful, and I bet everybody just LOVES it, yet they give Bill shit when he and Sookie are that way.

NAKED NAKED VIKING. Stay on track here. They have their hands all twined together, and Eric randomly kisses Sookie’s hand, and to me that, is HAWT, more HAWT than nakedness. It’s just such a personal, intimate gesture, and OMFG I WILL DIE WHEN THIS IS REALITY. Eric’s voice sounds nothing like his normal voice, and he’s talking all sweet and sugary, and it’s wonderful, but it’s NOT ERIC, guys. NOT HIM. This is some weird dream version of him. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is Eric in his private time when he doesn’t have to be big and bad and awesome. I’m not sure. Anyway, he tells Sookie she has the right temperament to be a vampire because she’s blood-thirsty and ruthless when it comes to those she loves. “Everybody thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” he says, and Sookie answers cutely, “I am a darling.” Eric says she’d do anything for the people she loves like her brother, her friends…”…and me.” But then some disembodied voice that sounds VERY familiar says, “Bill?”

Sookie sits up and is like AHAH BILL? WHERE’S BILL? And that voice belongs to LORENA. GAH! How could they ruin a sexy dream with LORENA? Anyway, Lorena says that Sookie has already abandoned Bill, and Eric is all molesting her neck and such, but when Sookie says NUH HUH I LOVE BILL, Eric gets all grabby and pulls her down hard and tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor. (WHUT? Have you seen her clothes!?!) Sookie says she used to think that Eric was made of cold, hard stone and empty inside. But then she says she knows he’s A BIG FAKER and that he’s wonderful and there‘s love in him, and he says ONLY FOR SOOKIE OMG and then they dissolve into intense kissing. Lorena is like OMG WHORE, and Sookie tries to say that she loves Bill, but Eric is like NOM NOM NOM, and pushes her down all rough, says “This is the beginning.“ PHWOAR. But I have to say…the kissing is a bit awkward and weird. Very tonguey and slobbery, and Eric is VERY INTENSE when he kisses. And Sookie’s boob keeps poking out like I AM HERE. YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME.

Then Sookie wakes up, and we all scream. Sookie, for her cheating dream having part, snuggles up to Bill. AHAHAHA, Sook. You poor thing.

Back at Mayberry R.F.D., there are MORE town crazies waiting to go into cells, but Maryann walks in and they are all like YAY SHE WILL SAVE US! Maryann is like PFFT and just says that they had a good time because she’s on a mission to find Bud. She does, and Bud is pushing another girl in the cell when he hears Maryann calling for him. Sam hears her too, and he goes O.O and starts looking for a way out. The natives next door are going crazy, and that’s when Sam sees a fly buzzing around and gets a bright idea.

Bud tells Maryann that everybody has gone crazy, but nobody can remember what they did! It’s very strange! HOLY CRIME WAVE Maryann says, and she wants to help Sam get out of jail. Bud is like NOPE, but I’ll take you to see him. Bud is like ZOMG I AM SO TIRED. So, of course, as normal people do, Maryann jumps up to give him a backrub. WHAT? But then the backrub turns into the hippy hippy shake, and Bud has the Black Eyes! NO! Everybody in the cells starts going crazy when Maryann walks in, and she’s like WHERE IS SAM, BITCHES? But Sam is not here! We just see his clothes, and Maryann is like OMG I KEEL. Then she lets all the prisoners out! Oh, Bon Temps, you are in TRUBS.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is having the Dinner of Awkward with Hoyt and Jessica, and Jessica is trying very, very hard to get along with her, but Maxine is being HORRIBLE. Jessica also makes the terrible mistake of mentioning red shoes, and then it is all downhill from there. Maxine says she would like to meet Jessica’s family, and Jessica is like ZOMG I AM AN ORPHAN, and she and Hoyt get all schmoopy, and Maxine is :X like me. She does say that she’s sorry how Jessica became a vampire, but she throws in that Hoyt is a good boy with a bright future, and by bright, she means IN THE SUN, BITCH. She keeps on going about how she won’t let her son wander around all night in the dark for some orphan vampire, and then Jessica has had enough. She pops a fang, and IT IS ON! Jessica says it’s for HOYT TO DECIDE OMG, and Maxine says OMG LIFE RUINER. Jessica yells that she can give him everything a human girl can, and before Maxine even says it, I know what is coming. “HARDLY!” “LIKE WHAT?” “LIKE BABIES!”

Maxine FTW. Jessica is DEVASTATED because I guess she didn’t think of that, and neither did Hoyt obviously, but Hoyt might just look more upset because Jessica is upset. Jessica decides to flee the scene, and Hoyt is like OMG MOM, and he says he’s NEVER coming home. Maxine decides it’s time for a beer. For a LOT of beers.

Back at Casa de ThisAin’tGonnaBeGoodhouse, Tara, Eggs, and Maryann are playing poker, and of course, they’re drinking, and OH LOOK, there’s a very inconspicuous fly on the table! In walk Lafayette and Lettie Mae, and Tara immediately goes on the offensive and calls them aliens? What? Anyway, Maryann is like HEY BABY BABY to Lafayette, but Lafayette is not there to play around. They are there to get Tara, but Maryann won’t go down so easily. She starts trying to tempt Lettie Mae into drinking, but Lettie Mae stands firm, and for once, I really like her. Lafayette is like WTF TARA, and Tara just keeps drinking. Maryann keeps on with the talk trying to get Lettie Mae to fall of the wagon, but Lafayette steps in. Lafayette is like o.O and says he is “feelin’ her” and that she’s a soulless bitch! WOOT! He also throws in that Eggs is crap, and it is time to GO, but Tara…oh, Tara has the Black Eyes! OH NOES!

She gets up and advances on Lettie Mae, and it’s about to get REAL IN HERRE, SUCKA. Lafayette and Lettie Mae both go WTF at her eyes, but there’s no time to figure it out because Tara starts beating up Lettie Mae, and Eggs joins in and starts beating up Lafayette. IT IS A BRAWL, YO! By the end, however, just as I suspected, Lafayette has PWNED Eggs, and he grabs Tara and runs out the door with her. Tara is screaming EGGGGGGSSS MARRRYYYANNNNNN, but nothing doing. Lafayette throws her in the car, and he and Lettie Mae drive away with her, leaving Maryann and Eggs looking like too saddos on a porch. Oh, and the Sam-Fly is there being a creeper and listening in.

Over in Hotel HBIC, Nan Flanagan has shown up, and she is PISSED. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m sensing she’s pretty old, and she is NOT HAPPY about what has happened in Dallas. Eric mentions that HI, Stan went to the FotS on his own, but as he’s talking, Sookie is looking at him all INTENSE, and he sort of looks back at her like WHOA CREEPER BACK OFF. Anyway, Nan says that it’s not her problem that they didn’t realize Stan was a psycho, it’s Godric problem. Eric gets all growly and tells her to STFU, and Nan says NO, YOU. And HE DOES. NAN FTW!

Nan finally gets it revealed that, HI, the FotS didn’t kidnap Godric. He admits he went there freely since he thought they would eventually get a vampire, and Eric goes O.O at this news. Nan goes WTF and Godric says WHY NOT? Nan cannot believe that Godric wanted to Meet the Sun, but Godric is like BELIEVE IT, YO, and Nan says YOU CRAZY, BITCH. And another piece of Eric’s heart breaks off. Nan also brings up Hugo, but Godric says NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG as Isabel shifts uncomfortably in the background. Godric says he’ll take responsibility, and Nan says YEP. Eric does not like this and says YOU COLD BITCH. (HEE!)

Nan does not care what Eric thinks, and she tells them all that it’s been a national vampire disaster, and NOBODY at the top has any sympathy for them. She flat fires Godric, and Godric AGREES, and another piece of Eric‘s heart dies. He says Isabel should take over, and THAT is how they are going to make up for Stan getting dead. SNEAKY. Anyway, Isabel is like GODRIC NO, but Eric is ENRAGED, and he actually shouts, “What are you saying? Sh-sh-she’s a bureaucrat! You don’t have to take shit from her!” WHOA. Stuttering and cussing? JEEZ, ERIC. CHILL. Nan is like SHUT IT VIKING OR I SHALL PWN YOU, TOO. Eric says that she doesn’t have the power to take his area away, and she says that she is on TV, so YEAH, SHE DOES.

Isabel jumps in and says that it’s her fault for not keeping a better hold on Stan, but Godric tells her to SHUT IT. He agrees to remove himself from all positions of authority, and now Eric looks like he’s definitely going to go put on some black eyeliner and make collages in his journal after the meeting is over. Sookie gets all ansty, and Bill is like STOP IT, but Sookie will not be denied. She tells Nan that Godric rescued her from Cro-Mitch, and Nan is like SO? But Sookie will not shut up, and she goes on to say that Godric saved humans and vampires both, and that it could have been much worse. Sookie says that she should be THANKING Godric. Nan goes OMFG FOR WHAT? HE SCREWED UP.

Eric has had enough of this, and he launches himself out of his chair, but Isabel intercepts him, and Godric just calmly says, “Eric,” and the SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE is stopped dead in his tracks. OOOH, GURRRL. Everybody settles down, and Nan wants to know every detail of the bombing, so Godric launches into the tale and calls Luke a ‘boy’. HEEE! OLD!

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is DRUNK, YO, and complaining about Hoyt, but there is bigger shit on the menu tonight, as Maryann walks in, accompanied by video music wind, and she’s like WHERE THE HELL IS SAM? THE GOD DEMANDS A SACRIFICE! Everybody gets the Black Eyes, and Arlene tells her he hasn’t been in all day, and Terry says he was planning on leaving town. Maryann is like FIND HIM!!! And she gets this crazy man voice, and OH NOES! Maxine gets the Black Eyes, too! EEPS!

Across town, we see the fly go up to a motel room door, and inside the room, Andy Bellefleur is drunk, again, and then there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and Sam is standing on the other side. Andy lets him in, and he doesn’t even ask why Sam is naked. I guess he’s decided to just go with it.

HBIC 4 LYFE Nan Flanagan is back in Room High Drama telling them what a fiasco the whole thing has been. Godric is looking at Nan, Eric is looking at Godric, Sookie is looking at Eric, and Bill is going WTF HOOR at Sookie. Nan tells Godric to come to her room to sign the papers, but Godric has some stuff to say first. OF COURSE HE DOES. He says he’s sorry for fucking everyone’s shit up, for all the dead people, and he will make amends. Sookie looks at Eric, and Eric looks like this O.O and some dramatic, mournful violins start up in the background. Nan is like WHATEVS and tells him it’s just a few signatures, but it’s obviously not. She leaves, and Eric jumps up and gets Godric’s face and says NO, and they are so close that I think their foreheads touched.

No? No what? Godric says “Look in my heart.” Eric is like LISTEN TO ME, and Godric says STFU. He says he’s going to the roof, and Eric is like TRAUMA FACE. Godric leaves, and Bill stands up, looking at Eric, and says “We have a score to settle.” And SHOO BOY does he look scary. Eric is all TRAUMA FACE NOT NOW, and Bill says UM, YEAH NOW, and he hauls off and punches the holy hell out of Eric, hard enough to make him spit blood. And Eric goes TRAUMA FACE some more, and Bill says GET IT, FUCKER? Eric just sort of goes PFFT, WHATEVS. He says it’s done, and that he’s part of her now (PHWOAR), so Bill needs to get over it and get out of his way. Bill does, of course, and Sookie just sort of stands there awkwardly IN A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE A PICNIC BLANKET.

I have to tell you. I’m totally in love with Bill at this point. I LOVE that he didn’t just sit there and take it like a wuss. He “spoke” his feelings to Eric, with no regard for Eric’s personal trauma at that moment, just the same way that Eric has NEVER had any regard for Bill’s feelings. Bill has been a bit of a victim. Eric has SHAMELESSLY abused his power and position to get what he wants, never mind that it constantly breaks Bill’s heart. YOU GO, BILL. YOU GO.

Anyway, Sookie says she’s going to go find Godric, and Bill is like OMG WHY. He’s not her concern, but she says that if it wasn’t for him, she’d be dead, and she has to do SOMEthing because Godric is in pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH, Sookie is so kind and sweet. We get it. Bill finally relents, and though he wants to go, Sookie says that he can’t because the sun is coming up. Sookie says that she’s safe, not to worry, and Bill comments on how tender-hearted Sookie is. And she is, guys. That’s one of the things that makes her great. Bill asks her what she can do for him, and Sookie says she doesn’t know, but that she just has to be there. Bill understands, kisses her, and sends her on her way.

On the roof of Hotel Self-Immolation, Sookie runs up the steps just in time to interrupt a male-bonding session. She really just should have waited for them to hug it out.

I’m going to stop right here and say that if I attempt to make the last scene of the episode funny in any way, I think people are going to track me down and immolate me. So, I’m not going to. I’m going to take the high road and just let everyone wallow in their grief and misery, and…

AHAHAHAH, RIGHT. NOT A CHANCE.

Anyway, Sookie runs up the steps just as Godric is telling Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric is like OMG I DON’T ACCEPT IT in this really awful cry-voice. He says it’s insanity, and Godric is like DUDE WE ARE VAMPIRES. WE ARE INSANITY. But really, Eric is right. How does killing yourself make amends for some fucktard coming in and blowing up your house? Does this make sense? NO. Which is a big fat plot hole. HELLO, in the books, Godfrey WANTED to kill himself, so after the big ruckus, he did. This LAME attempt at saying that Godric killing himself is a way to make amends for the chaos and dead people is RIDICULOUS. He’s SACRIFICING HIMSELF for the SINS OF OTHERS.

REALLY, ALAN BALL? REALLY? SHALL WE BUILD HIM A CROSS TO LEAN AGAINST WHILE HE DOES THIS? IS THIS THE HOTEL CALVARY? REALLY?

UGH.

Anyway, Eric is FREAKING OUT, screaming at Godric and then telling him that he will keep him alive BY FORCE. Godric sort of goes YEAH RIGHT, but then he says something that really sort of got me. He says, “Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?” And apparently, it gets Eric too because he starts with the lip trembling and the CRYING and he goes back to Swedish and is all PLEASE NO PLEASE. Godric tells him they’ve had centuries of faith and love between them, and Eric loses his shit big time. He starts crying and whining and blubbering, and I am sitting here going ARE YOU SERIOUS? He falls to his knees and is SOBBING HYSTERICALLY, and we see a shot of Sookie, and she just shakes her head. I AM WITH YOU, SOOKIE. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

Eric keeps on flipping out, and then…THEN…even my cold, dead heart melts a little because Godric says something that he said to Eric when he made him a vampire. The ETERNALLY AWESOME BELOVED BY FANDOM PHRASE:

“Father, brother, son. Lover“

INSTANT DEATH.

Back now, and Eric STILL sobs, but then Godric says “Let me go,” and then the stupid red tears start streaking down Eric’s face, and he STOPS blubbering for a moment to say, “I won’t you let you die alone.” I actually went WHAT at my TV, but Godric saved me, and he says, “Yes, you will.” Which starts ANOTHER crying jag from Eric, and honestly, people, how are we supposed to accept this? One tear, I will buy that. BUT THIS? NEVER. NEV-ER. Eric is a BITCH ASS. YOU HEAR ME? A BITCH ASS.

Godric has apparently had enough of this, too, and he puts his hand on the back of Eric’s neck, and that is obviously enough to calm him because Eric stops crying long enough to look up at him, and Godric delivers the ultimate vampire smack down: AS YOUR MAKER, I COMMAND YOU.

So, now Eric has no choice, and he stands up, and the sun is coming up a little, so he looks terribly pretty, and he starts to walk away, casting a look back at Godric. Sookie grabs Eric’s hand and tells him that she’ll stay with Godric, and Eric slinks away looking creepily like Jim Carrey. Godric tells Sookie that it won’t take long because he’s so old, and Sookie tells him that he was a dumbass for going to the FotS, and Godric is like YEAH, I KNOW. Then they have some talk about God that I am not going to talk about. SORRY, NO.

Godric eventually asks Sookie to care for Eric, and Sookie is like WHUT? HAVE YOU MET HIM? Godric sort of laughs and says that the way Eric is happens to be his fault, but Sookie says NO, HE’S JUST HIM. She asks him if he’s afraid, and he Godric starts to smoke and says, “I’m full of joy.” GUH. KILLER. MAN. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I mean, it’s HORRIBLE and SAD, but he’s smoking the whole time. This is unintentionally funny for a moment, and then Godric says that a human being with him at the end and crying is surprising. Sookie just cries her guts out, like A LOT. I’m talking tears flopping off her face all over the place.

The sun comes up, and he sort of motions for her to get away, and he takes off his shirt to reveal his awesome sexiness…just in time to strike a half-Jesus pose, and yes, burn up. But instead of the burning up we saw in season 1 when Bill did it--which was like flaking and ashes and such--Godric gets a little spark AND THEN HE IS COVERED WITH BLUE FLAMES.

BLUE. FLAMES.

WORST CGI FAIL IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.

Don’t try to tell me they’re blue because it’s so hot. THAT IS NOT WHY THEY ARE BLUE. And Godric is all flamey around his face, and he sort of goes SIGH and then POOF, he is gone.

Credits.

WHUT?



Post Episode Reaction:

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Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Timebomb" aka GODric is Good

True Blood Season 2: “Timebomb” aka GODric is Good.

Previously on True Blood…

Sam almost got killed by Maryann and the Black-Eyed Crazies, but Andy interrupted, and Sam got away! YAY! Hugo was the traitor, and that made Reverend Douche Newlin cry because he realized that Jason is Sookie’s brother! Sookie mind messaged Barry to get help, and Cro-Mitch had orders to kill Jason from Reverend Douche. Daphne told Sam what Maryann is…sorta, and Hoyt and Jessica are both adorable virgins! Reverend Douche tells Douche Wife about Jason, and she is a woman scorned and shoots him! Maryann made Eggs Daphne, and she smiled while he did it! Lorena is about to stake Bill, but Barry shows up with Sookie’s message. Eric hears it from across the hall, and vampires off to save Godric…oh, yeah, and Sookie, too, I guess. But for his trouble, Barry gets yanked into the hotel room! Cro-Mitch beats up Hugo then tries to rape Sookie, but Sookie is saved by Godric!


We pick up exactly where we left off, with Cro-Mitch struggling and Godric holding him by the neck. Cro-Mitch is all OMG DUDE, and Godric says OH SNAP to Cro-Mitch’s neck. Total PWNAGE after five seconds. Awesome. Godric tells Sookie she shouldn’t have come, and then they both hear a swooshing noise, which I guess is suddenly how you tell if a vampire is coming. I’m not sure about that because they’re usually so quiet, but maybe the vampire is running so fast that it’s loud. ANYWAY. They hear the noise, and Sookie stands up all OMG BILL YAY, but Godric smiles in complete ecstasy and says SORRY NO. Then he opens his eyes and says I AM HERE MY CHILD, and Eric vampires in the door, and is like this X_____X. He zombie walks over to Godric and sinks down to his knees and is all MASTER. Sookie looks moderately uncomfortable at this turn of events over in the corner.

Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans after him, and you can hear Eric’s heart breaking a little because of it, and Eric says he had no other choice and that the savages in the FotS are trying to destroy him. Godric says BITCH PLZ I KNOW and throws in that Hugo is the traitor. This is when Sookie remembers she is in the room, and she says that he was with the FotS and that they set a trap, but Eric does not care, YO. He asks Godric how long it’s been since he fed, and Godric tells him he doesn’t need much blood anymore, and that’s when the alarms start going off in the building. Godric tells Eric to save Sookie, but Eric says OMG NO that he is not leaving him. Godric says he can take care of himself, and he tells Eric to spill no blood on his way out. Eric bows his head, and then he shoves Sookie in front of him as they leave, and Godric looks ready to kick some ASS!

Credits. OMG OMG OMG. Fangirling is eminent.

Meanwhile, on the back roads of Woman Scorned Forest, Jason is blinking from his spot on the ground, and he realizes he’s not dead! YAY! He says Jesus saved him, and Douche Wife goes OMG STUPID because it was a paintball gun, as we all knew. Jason finally says what we have all been thinking--YOU CRAZY BITCH. Douche Wife goes on about how she let him into her house and her bed, well, her church balcony, and into her heart OMG! She violated everything she believes in to be with Jason, and that makes him worse than Judas, to which Jason responds “Why? What did he do to you?” Oh, Jason Stackhouse, you is a silly bitch. Douche Wife can finally take no more, and she goes FUCK YOU, and she shoots him in the man parts with her paintball gun. AHAHAHAHA! WIN! Douche Wife FTW. Jason howls and rolls around, and he apologizes, but I’m not sure that’s going to help.

Douche Wife says that Jason came to prey upon her and then ran like a coward, and Jason says UM, NO, that he ran from her husband and his “crazy weapon collection,” and really? Can you blame him? No. Jason thinks Douche Wife told him, but Douche Wife has only been told about him being Sookie’s brother, and then she blurts out that they have Sookie HA HA! This turns Jason into a crazy ass because any mention of Sookie makes him AWESOME, and Douche Wife says that the Stackhouses are nothing but lying, two-faced, vampire FUCKERS. (Hee.) Jason DOES NOT LIKE, and so he gets the gun from her, shoves her down, and steals her Gator of Righteous Indignation, telling her that if they’ve hurt Sookie, he’ll be back and NOT WITH NO PAINTBALL GUN! He speeds away, and Douche Wife tries to straighten herself up, but she has a long walk of shame back to Cult Camp in some mighty tall heels.

Back in the Church of Immortal BAMFs, everyone is running for their lives in a calm and orderly fashion, with Reverend Douche on the intercom telling them instructions, and I swear to you at once point it sounds like it says “…will provide you with skanks and silver.” BWUAHA. Eric and Sookie come up from the basement, and Eric is trying to find a way out, saying that he could have her out in seconds, but Sookie says OMG NO THE KIDS because there are a lot of innocent people running around. Sookie asks why he didn’t bring Bill, and Eric says that Bill’s insane devotion to her is boring annoying distracting, and that he would kill all the kids to save her. Sookie says WHY AREN’T YOU, as though he CARES about her or something, and Eric goes BITCH PLZ, and he’s following Godric’s orders. Sookie looks at him all AWWWW, and asks if Godric is his maker, to which Eric responds “Don’t use words you don’t understand.” Sookie then says “You have a lot of love for him,” to which Eric responds, “Don’t use words I don’t understand.”

And every fangirl’s heart EXPLODES.

Eric goes back to looking for a way out, just as the crazies are locking the front door, and he goes to do something, but Sookie goes ERIC, NO. Eric looks at her, then leans in SUPER CLOSE OMG and says, TRUST ME. (HEEEEE!) And then what is easily in the top five best moments of this show, Eric shows Sookie that he has a plan.

That plan is to pretend to be an FotSer by adopting the most HILARIOUS accent, and looking instantly like THE BIGGEST NERD EVER. Nerd!Skars in born, and it’s really a tribute to the kind of actor Askars is because EVERYTHING about him changes in that second. His voice, the set of his shoulders, his walk--it’s AMAZING. He walks over to the crazies and says, “Hey, ya’ll, how’s it goin’?”

AND THEN I DIED. END OF RECAP. THANK YOU FOR READING.

Eric tells the crazies that Steve sent him to watch the door, and the crazies look suspicious, and Eric looks strangely like Jim Carrey. O.o. But Nerd!Skars lays it on thick, grinning, and saying DANG, and the guys start to believe him, until they realize he doesn’t have a stake! He asks if he can borrow one of theirs, and when the guy refuses, EVERY trace of Nerd!Skars in gone, and Eric is back, laying the hypnovamp on the guy to get his stake from him. This is when another of the crazies get wise to the fact that HI, VAMPIRE, and moves to stake Eric. Sookie screams STAKE, YO, STAKE! And then the badassery begins, as Eric beats every one of the crazies up, and looks like a SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE while doing it.

He gets the last of the crazies pinned up against the wall, a stake to his throat, and Sookie comes flailing out all NO ERIC OMG! Eric pauses for a moment, then throws the stake down like DAMMIT FINE and drops the guy. He peeks out the front door, but the Soldiers of the Sun are on their way in and HI NO, so they go through the sanctuary, which is littered with sleeping bags and such. What a happy place for a massacre! They get halfway across the room, and Sookie says there are all kinds of exits, but then Reverend Douche’s voice dramatically rises up and says YEAH…TO HELL.

The Soldiers of the Sun and all the members of the church come in, and I’m betting Eric is having flashbacks of angry mobs with pitchforks, and Sookie says OMG NO ONE HAS TO DIE, but Reverend Douche is like SHUT IT WHORE. He says that the vampires cast the first stone by killing his family and IT IS ON, YO. Sookie starts yapping again about how Godric is a sheriff and how he got away, and now there are probably vampires on the way, but Reverend Douche is like PFT WHO CARES. He says that any vampire will do, and LOOKEY HERE. Sookie looks at Eric like O.O, and Eric looks at her and says “I’ll be fine.”

WHEN DID THESE TWO BECOME BFFS? DID WE MISS IT?

Anyway, Eric walks up and looks at Reverend Douche, and Reverend Douche asks like the crazy fuck that he is and is all YESSSS. VICTORY.

Back in at Hotel Poor Barry, Lorena has yanked Barry into the room and says YAY ROOM SERVICE! Barry goes o.O and in the middle of it, Bill goes O.O as his Sookie Sense is tingling, and says “Sookie.” Lorena goes [>.<] and says Sookie is like an annoying alarm clock. Whatevs. She tells Bill she’ll give him first bite of Barry, and Bill says OMG NOT HUNGRY. Lorena just rolls her eyes and says he’s lame, and Barry goes OMG NO DIE PLEASE. But Lorena bites him, then stops and goes o.O because he tastes funny.

This is when Bill smashes her over the head WITH A FLATSCREEN TV. EPIC BILL. EPIC.

Bill beats her ass one more time with the TV, then he throws it down, grabs Barry, and is OUT, YO. Lorena lays a-bleeding on the floor as we cut to…OMG CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Hoessica are going at it, and I’m very VERY disturbed, but whatever. I will try to deal with it. They’re going at it, and Bill busts in and when he realizes what he’s seeing, he gets the CUTEST embarrassed face EVER. Jessica screams and is all ZOMG DAD, and Hoyt tells Bill that whatever he heard, they were screams of pleasure. Bill just goes *FACEPALM* and tells Hoyt that if he cares about Jessica that he will take her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises, and then he vampires out of the room again.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Lafayette is reading Tara’s tarot cards (he can do that now?) and, predictably, her future is full of bad shit. Eggs comes busting in all the sudden, and Lafayette realizes this is the time for him to make an exit. Eggs is all manic asking what time it is because OH NOES he blacked out again, and he thinks he might have done something bad. Then he cries. Really, Eggs? Tara is comforting, and they leave, and Eggs cries. CRIES. And Lafayette looks nervous.

Back at the Church of the Flaming Vampire, Jason comes riding up in the gator, and tells the guys guarding the door that it’s okay because he’s a cadet at the L.O.D.I., and he holds up his paintball gun like it’s real, and says HONESTY, YO, and the guard guy says DUDE and holds up his ring and they go WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE. Oh, Show. I love you. Jason heads up the church, and the guy tosses out that they have a vampire and a fangbanger chick, and that’s when Guy realizes it’s just a paintball gun, and Jason hits him in the face with it and runs away. WORD, JASON. WORD.

Now we’re creeping up on somebody sleeping in a car, and it turns out it’s Sam. He wakes up just as his phone starts ringing, and it says MURDERED GIRL IN YOUR FREEZER CALLING, and when he answers THERE’S NOBODY THERE except creepy breathing! He goes back to Shithole Bar and Grill and finds Daphne in his freezer sans heart. And the best part? He’s not even sad. He’s upset because they’re going to think he’s a murderer again. He starts to put Daphne in garbage bags(?) but then reconsiders and starts to call the police. But guess what? THE POLICE ARE ALREADY THERE. OOOOH.

Over at Casa de MaryannSucksHouse, Maryann is making some vegetables in a pan, and then she prepares the secret ingredient. DAPHNE’S HEART. This scene is really just too gross for words, so we’ll skip it. She makes Heart Stirfry, and she looks like a crazy whorebitch while she does it.

Back at Our Lady of Crucified Vikings, they’ve got Eric on their goofy throne thing, and he’s being held down by silver chains that are burning him up, and Reverend Douche says, “Just as Our Lord, Our Savior was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!” To which Sookie, who is being forcibly restrained, says, “That doesn’t make any sense!” Which, it doesn’t. ANYWAY. Eric gets all dramatic and says all breathy-like that he’s “offering himself in exchange for Godric…and oh, yeah, Sookie, too, I guess.” But Reverend Douche is having none of that and says THANKS BUT NO because she is a WHOREY WHORE and maybe they should tie her to Eric so she can meet the sun, too!

This is when there are screams and zooming from outside, and Bill comes running in and screams SOOOKIIIIEEEEE, and Sookie goes HEE! Bill vampires up, but Reverend Douche has a REAL gun, and he points it at Sookie, which stops Bill dead. (HA pun!) Bill responds by saying that if he shoots her, everybody will DIE, YO. Reverend Douche goes JEEZ and asks Sookie what they see in her, but as he orders the Soldiers of the Sun to get some chains for Bill, a voice screams NEWLIN and Reverend Douche gets shot in the hand…with a paintball rifle…by Jason who then shoots him again RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. Can I describe to you how much WIN this scene has become?

Bill takes that moment to vampire up and knock everybody down to rescue Sookie, but Sookie pulls away and runs up to take the chains off Eric. (OOOH, symbolic of how she saved Bill the same way and Bill was in LURVE.) Bill is like SOOKIE WTF, and as Eric gets up, he looks like the crazy psycho he is, and he grabs Reverend Douche and is all fangy staring down at him like I KEEL YOU. Sookie is screaming NO ERIC, and Jason is screaming DO IT, and Reverend Douche is like BRING IT FOOLS. WE ARE READY TO DIE. But I have to tell you, nobody else in that place looks ready to die.

TOO BAD because Team Vampire has showed up, and they are lead by Stan who is all WHAT UP, PARTNER, LET’S DO THIS THANG. Everybody is starting to get very nervous, and Stan tosses out that HI, YEAH, they did kill the first Reverend Douche, and Bill goes [>.<] and Sookie goes OMG NO, though she already knew this. Reverend Douche goes OMG MURDERER, and Stan goes DUH, and says KILL THESE FOOLS, and all of Team Vampire gets out their fangs, and every one of them grabs an FotSer. Stan grabs the Lukeanator, and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t going EAT HIM because you SO WERE. Anyway, they all grab their church-goer and prepare to eat, and then…

Then Godric’s dulcet tones ring from on high (LITERALLY) and I’m pretty sure that Godric is wearing a track suit, so now we know where Eric gets his fashion sense. Everybody stops and looks up at Godric, and Godric says LET THERE BE PEACE, and there was, and it was good. Godric says that there’s no reason for killing, and he asks Reverend Douche if he will be peaceful, and Reverend Douche says HELLS NO, and that he doesn’t negotiate with sub-humans. Then he yanks down his tie and gets on his knees in front of Eric and is all DO IT, JESUS WILL SAVE ME. This is when Godric says that he’s older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have met him.

AND I DIE AGAIN. THANKS FOR COMING FOLKS.

Godric then vampires down faster than any we’ve seen yet, and he grabs Reverend Douche and asks the people if any of them are willing to die for their crazy crazy preacher. Of course, none of them are, and Godric tells Team Vampire to stand down, and tells the people to GTFO, and they make tracks LIK WO. Sookie snuggles up against Bill, and Stan looks very depressed he didn’t get to eat anyone, and then, randomly, the Lukeanator looks like HE would have died for Reverend Douche if Godric had given him a second to answer. Reverend Douche is going OMG DON’T LEAVE ME, but everybody does. ;_; Godric is like HA HA, REV, and tells everyone LET’S GO. Stan steps up and says WTF? And Godric says I SAID LET’S GO, and Stan reluctantly obeys.

Then we flash over to where Bill and Sookie are standing, and Eric, who was just nearly fried by the sun and was made all mushy by silver, looks at Sookie and says, “Are you sure you’re okay?” just as sweet as can be. Bill goes WTF I KEEL YOU at Eric and tells him to go with his maker, and WTF, BILL? Who are you to order your sheriff to do anything? But whatevs, Eric goes, and Jason runs over to hug Sookie and apologizes to her for being a brainwashed fucktard. He says that Reverend Douche sucked out his brain and planted a bunch of babies in there. Reverend Douche goes OMG SHUT IT and tells them that they’ll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.

To which our little Jason Stackhouse responds that he’s already been to heaven and IT’S INSIDE YOUR WIFE, and then he punches Reverend Douche RIGHT THE FUCK OUT, and he is only stopped by Bill. As they’re leaving he throws his ring at Reverend Douche and calls him a ‘white suit-wearing motherfucker.’ Reverend Douche just sits down and cries as they leave.

Who loves Jason right now? Show of hands?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sheriff Bud and Kenya are interrogating Sam, and apparently, it was an anonymous tip that sent them out there before Sam could even call. Sam is like DUH FRAME JOB, and Kenya brings up that he and Daphne were supposedly dating. Sam says they broke up (ooh), and Kenya says that this is the second time in two weeks a woman has been found at the bar with no heart (ouch), AND it’s the third waitress of his that has been murdered (not looking good). Sam mentions that it was RENE OMG who killed the other ones, and he says YOU KNOW ME. But Andy says, yeah, not so much because Sam’s past is mysterious.

This is when Andy walks in, and he hasn’t changed clothes from the day before, and he tells Bud OMG it is NOT Sam, and that he saw the orgy, and it was the BULL WITH THE CLAWS IN THE DRESS WITH CLAWS. Bud and Kenya just go OMG. WTF. Andy has been so great. SO GREAT. Andy is like SAM BACK ME UP, and Sam is like HI, NO. And Andy goes AWWW, SHIT.

Back at Casa de Blackout, Tara tells Eggs that they aren’t the only ones who are blacking out, and Eggs says that think she did something really bad, which OF COURSE is when Maryann shows up and says HI HEY WHAT’S UP. Eggs says that he’s trying to piece everything together, and Maryann says that maybe Eggs has been enjoying himself too much, and suggests they let up on the partying. LIKE IT’S HIS FAULT. Then she says HAAAAAAAAAAAAAY SNACKS READY. WTF? What is this bitch on?

Tara and Eggs go into the dining room, and Maryann brings out this souffle, and all of us starting going “No…they woudn’t…no, no way!” BUT YES WAY. YES FUCKING WAY, and Maryann calls it Hunter Souflee, and when Tara cuts into it, IT IS BLOODY, and BLOOD COMES OUT of the BLOOD PASTRY and they act like they don’t even notice! LIKE IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. Then they start eating it, and it is SO GOOD, and they start feeding each other, and then my food weirdness kicks in, and I have to stop watching. But they are like STUFFING their faces and laughing, and saying MMMMM.

Party at Godric’s crib, and the joint is rockin’ and full of vampires. Godric is sitting in his chair from Ikea, and everybody is coming up to say welcome back or something, and Stan walks up and says that everybody is very relieved he is home, but Godric doesn’t look so convinced. Next in line is…Jason? WTF? Jason says he’s sorry for what the FotS did, and as he starts to leave, Godric says that he helped save a lot of lives, and that he will always have friends in Dallas when he visits. Jason says he probably won’t be visiting any time soon KTHNXBAI.

Jason starts to wander off, but as he comes around the corner, he runs smack into Eric. Eric says that while Jason is a hero in Dallas, back home, he buys and uses V. Jason goes EEP and tries to say that he doesn’t do it anymore, but Eric tells him that they’re even since he helped save Godric. Eric tells him DON’T DO THAT NO MORE, and Jason says okay, then Eric says, “Good boy. Run along.” And Jason does, and Eric grins like a loon. HEEEEEE.

We finally see Sookie, and she’s dressed in some weird coat dress thing that the vampires gave her, but WHOA, she might have been better off in the Kidnap Dress. As soon as they’re alone, Sookie is like WTF BILL. She asks him what the hell took him so long to find her, and why is he avoiding her? Bill tries to brush it all off, but Sookie is having none of that, and wouldn’t you know? Somewhere under that hideous dress thing, Sookie has found her Woman Empowerment Cape.

Oh, Sookie. Welcome back. We have missed you.

She grills Bill about why he didn’t come running for her, and Bill says he was “held” and immediately Sookie assumes it was Eric. As soon as she says it, we hear this “Hmmmmmm…” and Eric saunters over and says “I heard my name.” And his ARMS and, like, THERE and BIG and LOVELY, and he says he hopes Sookie was speaking well of him. Apparently, Sookie forgets that they were just BFF and gets all grouchy about how he let her walk into a trap. Eric says he’s that he regrets that and pretends like he didn’t know it was a possibility, but Sookie calls him out on that shit and says OMG YOU DID KNOW and that because it was Godric, he didn’t care. Eric pretty much agrees with that and says that the bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than she can imagine, but PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT.

DEAD. AGAIN. SO DEAD.

Bill does not like this talk, and he goes I KEEL YOU at Eric. There’s a whole lot of eye-moving. Bill looks at Eric, and Eric looks at Sookie, and Sookie looks at Bill and then at Eric, and Eric looks at Bill and then Sookie, and it’s just a LOOKAPALOOZA.

Over in Bon Temps, Hoessica is back at Bill’s, and they’re making some more child porn, but as they start getting busy again, Jessica starts to say OW OW OW, and that’s when they realize…and yes, this is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE…that because Jessica is a vampire…her V-Card grows back. It will grow back EVERY TIME she has sex. AHAHAHAHAHA. How freaking tragic is that?

Back at Godric’s House of Male Superiority, Bill corners Eric and grabs him by the arm. Eric goes UM, WHUT, and tells Bill “I don’t like being touched.” Bill answers “Oh, believe me, I don’t like touching you.” LIAR LIAR FANGS ON FIRE. Bill tells Eric that him and Sookie’s BFFness is OVER. Eric says BITCH PLZ. Bill tells him that calling in Lorena because he couldn’t land Sookie himself is LAME and RIDICULOUS, even for him. Eric just grins, and is all AHAHA ARE YOU PICKING A FIGHT? Like it’s the CUTEST thing he’s ever heard, and adds, “I’d like to see you try.”

SO WOULD WE ALL.

Bill hisses that Sookie will NEVER be Eric’s AHAHAHAHAH, and there is NOTHING he can do so he should just GET OVER IT, YO. Just then, Isabel comes in, dragging Hugo with her, and everybody goes OOH, GIRL because she is SO going to be in trouble for letting a traitor in. She brings Hugo and throws him on the floor in front of Godric. She’s been crying, and it’s actually really sad because she totally loves him. Godric knows this, and since he is a kind and merciful Lord, Godric lets Hugo go, but he tells him to NEVER come back. Stan doesn’t like this development, but really, there’s nothing he can do. He beckons Eric to escort Hugo and Isabel out, and Eric is like YES, GODRIC.

Sookie notices Bill is trying to do a runner after the show is over, and she corners him and asks him why he would be talking to Eric if he kidnapped him. For a minute, we think that Bill is going to lie, but he doesn’t have the chance. Jason shows up and asks to talk to Bill. It’s like Sookie’s HEAD is going to explode at this point, but Bill says OKAY LET’S GO, and he and Jason head out back to talk.

Over at Not the Killer State Penitentiary, Bud is leading a hand-cuffed Sam into a jail cell, for his “protection,” and we see that some of our Black-Eyed Crazies are also locked up, most notably Creepy Mike Spencer who is in jail for sodomizing a pine tree. W.T.F. Sam is incredulous because really WTF?

Out back of Godric’s House of Awkward Male Bonding, Jason asks Bill to forgive him for being a close-minded bigoted moron. Bill says thank you and tells Jason that he’s thankful that Jason helped rescue Sookie, and Jason says it was the least he could do and that he’s sorry it took so long for him to wake up. And then…you know it’s coming…you can see it in Jason’s eyes…you know what he’s going to do…AND THEN HE DOES IT. He HUGS Bill. Awkward Man Hug FTW! When he pulls back, he asks Bill if that was okay for him, and Bill says “It was fine.” HEEEEEEEEEE!

Inside the house, Isabel and Eric are back, and Eric dismisses some skank from talking to Godric with just the nod of his head and goes down to sit beside Godric like the drooling fan boy that he is. Hugo has been dispatched, and Eric has arranged for an AB Negative human for Godric. Godric says THANKS NO HUNGRY, and Eric acts like his mom and says YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. This is too hilarious for words. Godric tells him that the FotS didn’t treat him badly and that they’re just ordinary people. Eric is quietly outraged by this because they are making everybody hate vampires, and Godric is like HELLO? WE ARE SCARY. He says it’s the fault too because after thousands of years, they haven’t evolved either, they’ve only gotten worse. Godric is a human-loving vampire, obviously, but in a way that indicates how old and wise he is. Eric says that is why he didn’t fight when the came to take him, and Godric says that he could have PWNED those fools, but what would it have proven? Eric just sort of stares at him like DUDE, YOU ARE DEEP.

Back at OMFG GROSS WTF, Tara and Eggs ate the whole disgusting snack Maryann made for them, and Tara is like ZOMG I AM SO FAT, and then something strange happens. Eggs is like OMG I AM ALIVE. Then they start to argue in a AHAHAHA way. Then…they start hitting each other. Then they start REALLY hitting each other. By the end, they’re kicking each other’s asses, and then laying on the floor for SEXY SEXY, and Maryann is watching with glee, and I am COMPETELY and TOTALLY disturbed.

Back at Godric’s House of Foreshadowing, we see somebody pull up in front of the place, and then he starts creepy creeping up to the house all slow like, but WHO IS IT? Inside, trouble has just walked through another door, and that trouble’s name is Lorena, and she looks more FUG than ever. Her hair is a mess, and her dress is ORANGE, and I can’t stop laughing because OMG YOU PSYCHO. She makes a beeline for Sookie, and in her weird squinty way, she’s like O HAI. Sookie is just as bright and cheerful as ever as she introduces herself, and honestly, I don’t know how Lorena can see her out of those SQUINTY eyes. Lorena starts the bitchfight off by calling Sookie a morsel, and Sookie goes SCUSE? Lorena says they have a friend in common, and she can’t believe that bill hasn’t mentioned here because HI, MAKER. That is when Bill comes rushing in and is like LORENA WTF?

Bill is like I CAN EXPLAIN, and Lorena says EXPLAIN THE LAST TWO NIGHTS, which really sound worse than it is, and Sookie goes WTF. Lorena mentions that Bill hit her with a television, and Sookie acts like that is the best thing she’s ever heard. Lorena does give us one moment of lulz by saying she hopes that Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” because there is no excuse for domestic violence. AHAHAHA. Bill loses his rag at this point and tells Sookie that Lorena was holding him hostage. Lorena is like WHAT? NO, and when she goes to touch Bill, Sookie steps up to the plate and knocks this shit out of the park.

Sookie says DO NOT TOUCH BITCH, and everyone is suddenly looking over at the catfight. Lorena goes AHAHA WHATEVER, HAPPY MEAL, and she tells Sookie that she can’t win. This is absolutely the WRONG thing to say to Sookie, and Sookie says AHAH I ALREADY DID. She says that Bill chose her, and still Lorena is a pathetic saddo who won’t give up. Bill intervenes because, yes, though this is WONDERFUL, Lorena could kill Sookie in a second. Lorena tells Sookie to listen and to RUN AWAY, LITTLE GIRL. Sookie is OUTRAGED, but Lorena walks around the table toward Bill and says that they are in love FOREVER AND EVER, and Bill says HI NO and tells Lorena to GTFO because she is CRAZY.

Sookie can take no more, and she flaps her Cape about and tells Lorena that while she might love Bill, Bill does NOT love her, and he never has, SO THERE. This is now too much for Lorena, who pops a fang and tells Sookie to TAKE IT BACK OMG. Bill tries to wrestle Sookie out the door, but NO ONE can contain Sookie when HER MAN IS ON LINE, and she says STFU FUCKING BITCH AND DIAF! Lorena throws Bill out of the way like he is a rag doll and grabs Sookie Jason is starting to run forward to save his sister, but there is no need, for a hand appears and pulls Lorena off Sookie oh so gently.

Godric, of course, and he tells Lorena to Retract. Her. Fangs. She does, and Godric says that he doesn’t know or care who she is, but in that area, and deffo in that house, he is the boss, GOT IT? And Eric is like RIGHT THERE beside Godric, as though Godric needs protecting, but it’s kind of cute. Lorena says she understands, and Godric lets her go and tells her that Sookie is the shit so WTF? Lorena says that Sookie provoked her, and Godric gets up in her face and says YOU PROVOKE ME BITCH. He says he could snap her like a twig, but he hasn’t. Why? And Lorena who is SHAKING with terror says because it’s his choice. And Godric says WORD, BITCH. He tells her that she’s had hundreds of years to better herself, but she hasn’t. She sucks, and she’s the reason people hate vampires, so she needs to GTFO. Godric tells Bill to escort her and to GTFO of his area before dawn.

Lorena takes the walk of shame with Bill, and she tries to make us feel sorry for her by saying she doesn’t know how it got that way, that she can’t help if she still loves him. Then she starts crying and shows that she is such a pathetic waste of fangs that I can’t even stand it. It’s RIDICULOUS. Lorena asks when they’ll see each other again, and Bill says NEVER, YO. Lorena is like PFF RIGHT.

Back inside the house, everyone has calmed down, and Jason is back to his old manwhore ways with some girl, and that creepy creeper from before starts walking slowly into the room, and IT’S THE LUKEANATOR. Jason sees him and goes WTF? Luke tells him to stay away and pushes him out, telling him go, then he raises his voice and says O HAI EVERYBODY FOTS IN THE HIZZY. He tells them that he has a message from Reverend Douche, and then he unzips his coat and HE IS WRAPPED IN SILVER CHAINS AND A BOMB!

AND HE PUSHES THE DETONATOR!

WHICH BLOWS US AWAY TO THE CREDITS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


BEST. EPISODE. EVER. See my vlog later today for deeper thoughts.

What did you think?

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Release Me" aka All Aboard the Betrayal Train

True Blood Season 2--”Release Me”

Previously on True Blood…

Eric called Lorena in to make trouble for Bill, Isabel offers up her man-friend to help Sookie at the FotS, SEXY SEXY VIKING FLASHBACK, Sookie wigs Barry the Bellboy out enough to make him quit his job, Jason thinks he’s being punished for getting the holy hand job, PAM shows back up to make Lafayette start selling V again, Hoyt surprised Jessica in Dallas, the Douche Newlins totally kidnap and imprison Sookie and Hugo, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, but Lorena is there to totally maker-rape him so he can’t go save her, Jason and Douche Wife finally get it on IN THE CHURCH, Daphne turns out to be the traitorous wench we always knew she would be and turns Sam over to Maryann at the Grossest Orgy In History, and Maryann wears the Bull Man Thing mask and has a knife! OH NOES! SAM!


The show picks up with someone running wildly through the woods, but it’s not who you think. It’s Andy! And he faceplants and then yells “PIIIIIIIG!” In about four seconds, Andy might have stolen the trophy for best opening ever. Anyway, he hears some crazy drums in the distance and starts to follow them, and we follow them back to the scene of that hideous orgy from last week, but instead of an orgy, it now looks like a rave where everyone took some really bad Ecstasy. Most of them are naked, sure, but instead of doing dirty things, they are now all kind of dancing around and groaning. And OOH, Eggs has a hold of Sam, and he pushes him down on a rock…a rock very similar to that one he and Tara found after their impromptu ramble on the way to get the water heater part. I think I know what Eggs is now!!

Anyway, Sam is all O.O and Zombie!Tara dances up to him, all crazy black-eyes, and goes OOOOH JUST GIVE IN HEE HEE IT’S SO GREAT, and then she sort of licks his face. Gross. Then Maryann raises up out of the crowd, and she has the crazy claw hands and is wearing the Bull Man Thing head and doing the hippy hippy shake, and THIS is when Andy comes stumbling out of the woods and goes WTF? Maryann starts advancing on Sam, and we know what is coming, but just before she can get close enough to get him, Andy fires off his gun, and everyone stops and goes o.O at him. This is just the chance Sam needs, and he head butts Eggs and then totally slaps the holy hell out of Daphne (WIN!) and takes off running like a madman. Eggs starts SCREAMING, and then everybody else starts screaming, and see what happens when you take bad Ecstasy? So no to drugs, kids, because nobody is having a good time now. They just scream like screaming things, and Maryann tears ass after Sam.

Sam meanwhile is running for his life LITERALLY, and Maryann is coming up from behind, and I’m sorry. If this was supposed to be creepy, EPIC FAIL. Maryann is wearing a dress! A Bull Man Thing in a dress is not scary! Sam is running, and he just so happens to see an owl sitting on the branch of a tree, so YAY, he can shift into an owl and fly away, which is what he does. Maryann stops and looks up like OMG WHERE YOU GO, then she picks up his discarded shirt with one of her gross hands and stares MENACINGLY at the sky! FOILED AGAIN!

Credits, now with more fish guts and rotting fox carcasses!

After the credits, we’re back on the set of When Raves Go Wrong, and Andy is just flabbergasted at what he is seeing. Everybody has lost their shit, and he’s just holding his gun and staring. But then everyone stops screaming, and they’re all just walking around like zombies that don’t even know he’s there. Andy sees Terry standing there with no pants on(!), and he’s like ZOMG TERRY PUT ON SOME PANTS but instead, Zombie!Terry decided to break Andy’s arm! Zombie!Arlene thinks this is hilarious, and they run off together as Andy writhes in pain.

Back in the Basement of the Unholy, Sookie is yelling for Godric from the insanely huge cage that Reverend Douche Newlin put her in, but Hugo is just pacing and freaking out, going on about how claustrophobic he is. What I am really noticing are the fantastic things that the FotS has in their basement. Huge statues of Jesus and easily the most hilarious collection of board games ever--the best being “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator.” And I do believe that the picture on the front of the “Send them Back to Hell” game is a cartoon of Kiefer Sutherland in “The Lost Boys.“ AHAHA. Oh, FotS, you are great for the lulz. Anyway, Sookie takes a minute to calm down that whiny bitch Hugo, and she tells him everything will be okay, like she’s trying to hypnovamp him. It apparently works because Hugo calms down immediately.

Sookie starts talking about the fact that the Douches knew who they were when they got there, AND they knew to try to get Sookie at the airport. We’ve got a leak! Hugo mentions that it might be a vampire *coughStancough* using the FotS to get Godric out of the way, but Sookie says that’s crazy, and she would know about crazy. Hugo says, WELL DUH, but Sookie brings up that Bill and Eric would do worse to Stan when they found out, so that logic is pretty sound. AHAHA, this is when Sookie realizes…OH YEAH. WTF BILL? She looks kind of sad when she mentions that Bill must have sensed her fear and that he’d be busting up in that bitch any minute, but she really doesn’t sound very sure about that or she’s scared about something. Turns out, yes, she is because if the FotSers are going to cook a vampire for everyone to see, what the hell else could they do?

Back in the Hotel Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Bill is screaming at Lorena to let him GTFO, but she’s right in front of the door, and when Bill comes up to her, she takes a big whiff and says “You smell like her. Sweet…and cheap.” WTF LORENA! I mean, yes, Sookie is cheap, but this evil whorebitch doesn’t get to say that! Only WE get to say that. Bill tries to get past her, but Lorena just calmly throws him over furniture, and then she puts the heel of her stiletto right against his heart and says PFFF LAME. Bill manages to get free by throwing HER across the room, but she beats him to the door and says SRSLY? This was the point when Lorena’s accent finally made me sick, and we deal with Bill every week, so you know it has to be bad. Bill asks her why she there, and then she smiles and says, “I’ve missed you.” AND I BARF. OMFG Lorena is so LAME and PATHETIC.

As I’m sure we’re about to see in yet another hilarious flashback into the lives of Bill and Lorena! It’s 1935 now, and Bill is wearing a HILARIOUS smoking jacket and reading a book, and it is obvious that somewhere between that last flashback with the transvestite flapper and now, Bill has become Grouchy Pants McGee. I don’t know, I think it’s the set of his eyebrows. He just looks…CURMUDGEONY. Lorena comes in wearing a very unflattering green dress, and Bill gets that look that battered housewives get when their husband comes home from work early and unexpectedly. Lorena says she hates musicals, but apparently, she doesn’t hate chorus girls because one comes in behind her. This chorus girl is named Frances, and OMG she’s insipid. Lorena tells Frances to show “Alfred” her talent, and Frances starts dancing around like a loon until Bill turns off the record player and goes HMPH.

Lorena lays the hypnovamp on Frances and tells her that Bill is in one of his moods again, but then Bill vampires up behind her and tells Lorena OMG I SAID NO MORE. Lorena brushes this off and gets all vampire porn star on him, all fangalicious up on Frances’ neck and talking about how she smells like apricots. And if you thought Lorena could not get more hideous, you were wrong. When her fangs are out and she’s trying to talk, WOOF. Anyway, poor Bill can only take so much so his fangs pop out, and he slinks up to them, but at the last minute, he says OMG LEAVE. And Frances goes KAY and bolts for the door. Lorena goes -_- and says “You are such a wet blanket,” which yes, made me laugh. But it is obvious it is not another day in paradise in the Compton-Whorebitch household. The honeymoon is over BIG TIME.

Bill makes me love him just a little more when he tells Lorena he can’t stand the sight of her, and Lorena just goes OMG DRAMA QUEEN. I think one of the problems I have with Lorena is that her facial features and terrible acting make it impossible for me to tell what emotion she is trying to express. That, and she’s a whorebitch. Anyway, Lorena says maybe they should head back south so that Bill is less depressed, and Bill goes AHAHA I’M NOT DEPRESSED. I JUST HATE YOU. Bill goes all IT’S OVER and ZOMG THE INNOCENTS. Apparently, Bill has a case of the grouchies because he feels bad about all the horrible things he’s done. Lorena goes OMFG PEOPLE ARE FOOD GET OVER IT. But Bill is on a roll now, and he starts yelling about how she’s lost her humanity and stolen his, and I AM A MONSTER!

Lorena goes YAWN and tells him that he’ll get over that pesky conscience, but Bill says NO BITCH, and Lorena is upset? Sad? Happy? Who knows, but we do know that she has decided it is time for a big fat domestic and she picks up a hideous lamp and chucks it at Bill who catches like O RLY? We flash back to present time, and Bill puts on his best SERIOUS FACE, and tells Lorena that if anything has happened to Sookie, I KEEL YOU BITCH. Lorena just sort of stares at him and says “It’s true. You are in love with a human.” And she finds that full of lulz, and then she does LOL, like, A LOT.

Over on the Back Lawn of Cult Camp, Isabel and Eric are standing there being leather-clad badasses. Eric looks down at Cult Camp and says SRSLY? THIS IS IT? Isabel says not to overestimate them because they are fanatics, and fanatics are insane and will totally die for their cause. Eric makes this little growly sound, and all of us faint because ZOMG ERIC GROWLED. Isabel tells him to settle down, and Eric mentions that Hugo and Sookie have been in the church for way too long. Isabel says NUH UH, that she felt Hugo FREAK OUT for a minute a while ago, but it’s nothing. NOTHING? The guy is about to pass out in the basement, and it’s nothing? Isabel sucks

Eric asks her what she finds so great about having a human boyfriend, and Isabel says it’s because they feel more strongly than vampires, and everything is OMG URGENT because their lives are so temporary. Eric goes PFF “They certainly don’t keep well.” AHAH oh, Eric. Then he asks if the fact that Hugo will grow old and ick makes her sick, and she says no because it’s interesting…LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. WTF? Then Isabel asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric is the biggest liar EVER and says he isn’t interested in Sookie. LIAR LIAR LEATHER JACKET ON FIRE. Oh, and he doesn’t care how Bill feels. He only cares about finding Godric, and Isabel is like RIGHT. Eric then mentions how it’s totally not possible for the FotS to keep Godric captive because he’s the eternal BAMF, so it’s got to be something else…something NOT HUMAN! OH NOES!

Now we go inside the Church of BrownChickenBrownCow, and Jason and Douche Wife are all snuggly post-coital, and Jason is like SCORE. But Douche Wife is…crying? AHAHA. It’s always better when they cry. But it turns out, she’s crying because she’s HAPPY. She’s so HAPPY because SHE LOVES HIM. THEY ARE MEANT TO BE. Turns out, Douche Wife is just like any other woman meaning she is crazy, and Jason starts to get freaked out just in time for Douche Wife to tell him that they have to go…AND TELL REVEREND DOUCHE. Uhh, WHUT? Jason brings up the fact that Reverend Douche has guns, and they’re having a lock-in, and they will be locked-in with Steven and his guns. Douche Wife comes to her senses and decides to put the lock-in before her personal feelings, and they decide to tell Reverend Douche after the Meet the Sun ceremony. Douche Wife runs off, and Jason goes O.O

Back at Hotel Underage Girl Much, Hoyt and Jessica are making out, and yes, how cute, we find out that Hoyt is actually a virgin. Jessica laughs all AHAHAH but tells him that she’s a virgin, too, so that is fine. Honestly, guys, I am trying to care here and be unbiased in my recaps, but I am finding it difficult. I am creeped out because Hoyt says he is 28, and Jessica is only 17, and that is BEYOND ick to me. So anyway, yes, they decide they’re going to do it sometime in the near future, but not tonight, so they snuggle down to sleep, and Jessica warns Hoyt not to freak out if she looks a little dead. HA. Okay, so that was cute.

Now we’re walking up the Hallway of Eric Hates Everyone, and Stan is going on about how maybe Hugo and Sookie joined the FotS and that’s why they’re not back, but Isabel reminds him OMG HUGO IS MINE, and Stan makes a good point in saying that if she really cared, they would have been at the church already. Eric is walking ahead of them with this -_- look because it’s obvious that he can’t stand Stan, but really, who can? Isabel tells him that’s why he’ll never be sheriff because he’s a dumbass, and Stan counters by saying that she’s too chicken to do anything, and that’s why HE’S been getting Godric’s coffee for 40 years. What? Huh?

Anyway, then Stan turns on Eric, who is trying to ignore the situation and just get into his room, and he says that they’ve got Eric’s maker and his telepath, and he hasn’t done anything about it. You can see it in Eric’s eyes that he has had about enough of this shit, and he vampires over and pushes Stan up against the wall and looks HELLA scary. Even Isabel is like GULP. Eric finally tells Stan that he thinks this is all so he can become sheriff, and Isabel reminds him that they don’t have any proof. Eric assures Stan that once he finds the proof OMG NO MERCY. But in the meantime, he doesn’t care if they bicker or if they go to the FotS and kill everyone. I DON’T CARE, YO. All he cares about is finding Godric because, and I quote, “If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back with I have lost.” And then HE CRIES A SINGLE TEAR OF BLOOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredulous I felt at this ERIC DOES NOT CRY. ERIC WOULD NOT CRY. And beyond that, is it really THAT big of a deal? How long has it been since he saw Godric? Are they BFFs? I mean after a thousand years, are you really going to be THAT UPSET about your maker being gone? I’m not sure I understand the dynamic here, but I do know that ERIC WOULD NOT CRY, and so this scene is EPIC FAIL to me. UGH. I’ll talk more about this at the end. For now, ONWARD!

We’re back at Casa de Sexhouse, and Tara and Eggs are just waking up in the living room, and Tara immediately starts freaking out because she can’t remember how she got there. In fact, she can’t remember anything except going into the woods. The whole night is just blanked out of her memory. Eggs says it might be the joint they smoked because Maryann’s weed is serious shit, and Tara goes AH HA! She mentions this to Eggs, how he couldn’t remember being at the creepy campsite either, but Eggs says I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. When Tara starts freaking out because yes OBVIOUSLY this makes her like her mother, Eggs comforts her and she is properly distracted. Smooth move, Eggs. Then Tara says sometimes Eggs is like Sookie because it’s like he can read her mind, and I go WTF? Tara just spills the beans like that about Sookie? What kind of secret-keeper is she?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam comes running in after his night on the prOWL (AHAHA I suck.), and he’s completely freaking out, as he should. He goes into his office and digs in this secret area of his fireplace and pulls out a huge handgun. I don’t know that that’s going to help, Sam.

It’s morning in the Fangbanger Holding Cage, and Reverend Douche comes down to visit, just as cheerful and bright-eyed as can be. He even brings Sookie and Hugo some water! Sookie jumps up and immediately starts in with OMG MY VAMPIRE WILL KILL YOU, and Reverend Douche is like AHAH WHERE IS HE? BRING IT! Sookie warns them that they’re going to get themselves killed, and Reverend Douche tells her that the vampires just have her all messed up with their SEXINESS and their VIKINGNESS and their SEXY VIKINGNESS. Okay, no, he didn’t say that. He said hypnovamping and empty promises and evil blood. My version was better. Sookie is OUTRAGED and tells him JESUS IS ASHAMED OF YOU. Reverend Douche just goes AHAH at that, and he pulls up a chair to apologize how things got out of control. He claims that all he wants is some answers, and then he’ll give them some breakfast and send them on their way. RIIIIGHT.

But Hugo seems to think this is a great plan, and he jumps up and starts spilling the beans. He tells them that she is Sookie Stackhouse and he is…but Reverend Douche doesn’t hear a word after Stackhouse. He gets this horrible, awful Betrayal!Face because, yes, it’s true, he realizes that HE knows a Stackhouse. He knows a Stackhouse, and he LOVES Jason, and WHAT? HOW COULD THIS BE? Reverend Douche is like WTF JASON? And Sookie realizes UH OH, and Reverend Douche runs out to write in his journal and make a mix tape, and Sookie is like WTF!

Hugo is like GREAT JOB, and Sookie finally tells him to STFU, but she actually says it! GO SOOKIE! Then she gets a bright idea, and she starts trying to mind meld with Barry. I guess she thinks maybe Barry is listening somewhere, wherever he might be, and she gives him a rundown of where she is, that Godric is there, and things have gone to shit! OMG BARRY HELP!

We’re back in Room Bitch You Crazy, and Bill and Lorena have apparently not gone to sleep, and that is bad for vampires. Bill is acting like he’s totally stoned, and as they are bickering EVEN MORE, they both start to bleed from random places. It’s a pretty creepy effect actually. Bill wants to rest, but Lorena thinks that as soon as she falls asleep, Bill will run into the sun to save her and get dead. Bill is like OMFG WOMAN SRSLY? Bill sees his cellphone on the table, but Lorena jumps up and gets it first. He begs her to let him call Eric who will go and get Sookie. When Bill says Eric’s name, Lorena starts to go AHAHAHA. Bill says that Eric is the reason that Sookie is in trouble, and Lorena says AND WHY I’M HERE, NOOB. She crushes his phone and tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie and he should just let Eric have her. And Bill has Betrayal!Face, but his beats Reverend Douche’s because there is blood with his. Bloody Betrayal!Face Bill! (Alliteration FTW!)

Back at Cult Camp, Jason has realized it is time to GTFO, and he is carrying all his stuff across the campus when Reverend Douche pulls up in his car and is like HEY JASON WHATCHA DOIN’? Jason tells him he’s just going for a walk…with all of his stuff…and Reverend Douche has Cro-Mitch jump out and pull a knife on Jason and force him into the car. OH NOES!

We’re now at Mayberry R.F.D., and Andy is telling Bud what he saw the night before. Now, everyone knows Andy is a drunk, and he looks totally crazy as he’s telling this story about a bull mask, and giant claws, and everybody had big black-saucer eyes LIKE ZOMBIES. Andy is actually so great this episode. The way he says zombie cracks me up. Zaaawwmbees. It’s actually pretty great.

Back at Casa de Sexhouse, Tara and Eggs are watching some hilariously crap show, and while they are watching, somebody with some busted ass feet and legs comes sneaking in, and the feet are bloody, and whoever it is happens to be carrying a dead rabbit and is dripping blood all over the floor. A skirt drops and we see that it is Maryann, and she’s all like O HAI, and Tara and Eggs go WTF! She tells them she slept outside to commune with her animal nature and saw the rabbit and thought YUM. OMG I am so tired of this bitch. Tara tries to snark about her throwing a big party without permission, but Maryann is like SHUT IT, and Tara does. Tara is very freaked out by this, but Eggs thinks Maryann is fantastic.

We’re back at Camp Cutthroat, and that is exactly what Cro-Mitch is about to do. He is about to cut Jason’s pretty neck, and this scene is moderately funny because Jason thinks Reverend Douche is talking about him banging Douche Wife, but Reverend Douche is actually talking about Jason being in league with the vampires. In the end, Reverend Douche tells Cro-Mitch to take care of the problem, and Cro-Mitch walks Jason off into the woods. OH NOES!

On the shores of Lake Merlotte, Daphne is putting her feet in the water all LA LA LA, and Sam walks up out of nowhere and pulls his huge gun on her. Daphne goes YAWN and tries to act like nothing happened. Sam is not having any of that shit, and he realizes how she got her scars. He calls her a whore, which she is, but Daphne claims it’s not whoring if you do it for love. Sam goes AHAH RIGHT, and Daphne deals him a low blow and says AHAH NOT YOU, SILLY. Sam gets on the Betrayal Train, and his voice cracks, and it’s just so SAD! Poor Sam. Daphne starts to tell Sam the story of her and Maryann, but Sam, like me, doesn’t care.

Sam finally asks why Maryann is trying to get him, and Daphne says it’s because she can’t control Sam. The crazy black eyes don’t work on supernatural creatures, and so she wants Sam to submit, and OMG HE WON’T. Then Daphne says OMG I’M SWEATING LIKE A PIG. And we go, OMG DAPHNE GO DIAF. Sam gets all OUTRAGED and Daphne has a big swim, and says WTF IS SHE? And Daphne says OMG SHE’S GOD. And Sam goes O.O and we go NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE.

Back in the Cage of BIG FAT LIARS, Hugo has finally freaked out, and he’s rattling the cage screaming that he has to go potty. Sookie gets up to calm him down again, and she touches his arm, and FWOOOOM, she mind melds with him and finds out OMG HUGO IS THE TRAITOR. If you are shocked, I say..what, are you new?

Back at Lake Plot Exposition, Daphne is going on and on about Maryann, and I am going to be serious here for a moment. I’m not going to go into detail about this section because for the first time, probably ever, I have been offended by a television show. Daphne’s speech on what Maryann is was way over the line, and when they used the names of goddesses of actual religions, Gaia and Isis most specifically, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. To insinuate that a character on a television show, especially a rancid whorebeast like Maryann, is a goddess of my religion…NO. HI, NO. So, I will paraphrase by saying Daphne tells him that she’s a maenad, gives him a very incorrect history, and claims that Dionysus was also called “The Horned God” which AGAIN is WRONG, SO WRONG so Sam makes the logical jump to Satan. Do you see why I am offended here? UGH ANYWAY.

Daphne goes on and on with her plot exposition, and Sam briefly considers turning himself over to save the town, but Daphne says that won’t work because Maryann is having too much fun. Daphne suggests Sam turning himself in anyway because she might let him live, and then Sam gets all huffy and runs away. Poor Sam!

Back in the Basement of Traitors, Hugo tells Sookie why he turned on Isabel, and it’s because she wouldn’t turn him. REALLY HUGO? What is with the pathetic losers this week? Sookie is just as disgusted as we are, and Hugo tries to make Sookie mad by talking about Bill using her and such, and then Sookie says OMG IF YOU’RE SO GREAT WHY ARE YOU HERE? And that’s when Hugo realizes HEY, SHE’S RIGHT, and he jumps up and starts calling for Cro-Mitch to let him out. But Cro-Mitch does come, and Sookie says WHUT, BITCH. For an instant, we have our old Sookie back! YAY!

Outside at the Church of FAIL, the lock-in is starting, and lots of blond people are showing up in their pajamas! How cute! Douche Wife is wearing some monstrosity of an outfit, and Reverend Douche comes out and tells her in his serious voice that they need to talk, in private, about Jason. OH NOES! Meanwhile, Cro-Mitch is walking Jason through the woods, and Jason tells him OMG MISTAKE, and Cro-Mitch makes a fatal error. He gets all snarly and tells Jason that HE is the mistake, and that Sookie is a whore. Jason FREAKS OUT and beats up Cro-Mitch and says ZOMG NEVER TALK ABOUT MY SISTER! Cro-Mitch spits out some blood, and says, “Is that the best you can do…Sister-Fucker?“ AHAHAHAH. And then the beat down is on. Jason wins in the end, and he calls Cro-Mitch a dick-brain(?), kicks him in the man parts, and takes his knife and runs away. YAY!

In the Bathroom of Fabulous…LAFAYETTE IS BACK! He is putting on his make-up and dealing his V over the phone, just like Pam told him to. YAY! Eggs and Tara are making out the bar, and Arlene comes in, and something is up with her. She is very upset, and she steals Tara and runs off to the bathroom. Lafayette is in that bathroom, and Arlene says OMG LADIES ONLY to which Lafayette replies, “So what you skank hos doing in here?” Tara gives him the hairy eyeball, so she must know he’s dealing V again, but Lafayette just takes his fine self on out the door.

Anyway, Arlene starts freaking out and tells Tara that she might have done something REAAAAALLLL BAD. Apparently, she and Terry weren’t sleeping together, no matter what she tried, and the night before, the night of the Orgy from Hell, she got Terry all liquored up…and then she blacked out! Tara goes O.O because OMG SHE BLACKED OUT TOO, and the bad thing Arlene thinks she did is…she thinks she had her way with him…”a lil’ bit”…against his will. Arlene, the Date Rapist. Arlene is terribly cute for once on this show, and she is really upset, but all Tara cares about is that this blacking out thing isn’t just her and Eggs.

Meanwhile, Lafayette goes out to the bar where he sees Eggs, and he goes X____X at him and says it’s not fair because for the first time he’s not chasing trouble, but trouble keeps finding him. Eggs is like o.O, and Lafayette says that there is no good that could come out of something so pretty, and that is when Eggs realizes that this is Lafayette, as though that explains EVERYTHING. He calls him Tara’s Eggs, to which Tara shows back up and comments that it sounds weird, and it SO does. HEE HEE, then we get one of those great Lafayette moments where Tara asks why he is called Eggs. “Your name is Benedict. Why don’t people call you Ben?” And Lafayette jumps in and says, “Or Dict.” AHAHAH. Then Lafayette gives one of his cryptic warnings, like the one he made about the cornbread in season one, remember? He calls Eggs “Satan in a Sunday Hat,” and I say YES HI DUH.

Just then, Andy walks in, and OH MAN, the hilarity. He starts screaming for Terry, and everyone starts staring at him. He is a lunatic, and he calls Tara a “devil worshipper” and tells everyone that he saw what they were doing OMG! Sam is creeping up on the scene, and he ALSO saw what everyone was doing, but I’m not sure that Andy saw Terry. Anyway, Arlene tells him that Terry isn’t there, and Terry says, “Fuck you, Zombie Woman! Fuck all ya’ll devil zombies!” OMG. I about peed myself. Andy is officially my favorite part of this episode. Andy screams how he’ll put a stop to all of it and then leaves, and everybody goes AHAHAH OH, ANDY. Sam finally shows his face, and when Eggs is leaving and says bye to him, Sam sort of flinches because, yes, Eggs was the one holding him down to be sacrificed, remember? Everybody goes o.O at Sam, and Sam goes o.O at everybody.

Back to Hotel Pedo--NO, KIDDING. I swear. Anyway, the song BLEEDING LOVE is playing in the background as Hoyt sets up what he thinks is a romantic night, with rose petals and blood-scented(!) candles everywhere, and Jessica wakes up and looks horrified for a second, but then she tells him to take off his pants, and they collapse into giggles, and what I assume is virginal NOT SO SEXY SEX.

Now we’re back to the back woods of Cult Camp, and Jason has been running for hours, and headlights come up behind him. He’s sure it’s Reverend Douche, but I would recognize that hair anywhere. Douche Wife jumps out of the Gator of Righteous Indignation with her big Texas hair, and Jason tries to explain about Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch, but Douche Wife pulls a big gun on him and Jason goes O.O. Before he can do anything, Douche Wife shoots him, and he goes O.O and falls back in slo-mo. OH NOES! Except NOT OH NOES. That gun she had was the same paintball gun that Reverend Douche had in an earlier episode, and next week we will see that Jason is not dead, but he probably did get a paintball in the man parts.

Back to Lake Merlotte, and Daphne is standing on the edge of the dock looking out at the water. Maryann comes up like a creepy creeper from behind her, and Daphne is all HEE I LOVE YOU, and Maryann says THNX BITCH, kisses her, and then FWOOM, Daphne gets a knife in the heart from BLACK-EYED EGGS! OH NOES! I KNEW IT! When I saw the way he was holding Sam down on the rock like that, it was obvious. Eggs is the “killer” but it’s all Maryann’s doing, and so the bitch must die. Daphne just gurgles up some blood, and Maryann smiles at her. THE BITCH MUST DIE.

Over to the Basement of Cro-Mitch Got PWNED by Jason, Cro-Mitch finally shows up and opens the cage as Hugo is like OMG CRO-MITCH FINALLY, but Cro-Mitch does not let Hugo out. Instead, he proceeds to thoroughly kick Hugo’s ass. Sookie forgets that he’s a traitor, and she tries to stop Cro-Mitch by jumping on his back. Cro-Mitch then starts to kick her ass and yes, obviously, it has to go to the rape place. *SIGH* I will keep my personal thoughts on this personal. Anyway, Sookie screams and we go back to Bill, who goes O.O as his Sookie Sense starts going off again. Lorena is just BLAH BLAH BLAHing in the background, and Bill tries a clever distraction of throwing a table at her, but Lorena gets to him just as he gets to the door, and OH YEAH, she has a stake to his back. Lorena says OMG I WILL END YOU.

And we flashback to 1935 and the domestic that we left, and Lorena shows her true pathetic self and is all OMG I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? Bill is begging her to let him go, but Lorena says OMG YOU ARE MINE. Bill loses his rag and starts screaming about OMG I KILLED PEOPLE FOR YOU and I DO NOT, I CANNOT, I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. OMG, this is so the wrong thing to say, and Lorena is literally shaking with rage, and if her accent wasn’t so terrible, I might believe her, but instead, her squinchy face and terrible accent ruin the scene. She says that men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one NAHT with her, but then she crumbles into the pathetic beast she is. It’s really disgusting, and it’s sort of a comment on how women are portrayed on this show.

Anyway, Bill continues to PWN her verbally until she PWNS him through a coffee table, and he picks up a piece of the wood and holds it out as a stake toward her. She’s all OMG YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH, but that stake isn’t for her. Bill begs her to let him go, and she says OMG CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, and Bill says TOO BAD BITCH! He starts to push the stake through his own chest, but Lorena stops him, and with bloody tears, she says, “As your maker, I release you.” Bill gets an O-face from this, and now we know where he picked up his favorite line!

We flashback to present time, and Bill says OMG YOU RELEASED ME. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, but Bill will never believe that, so he starts to fight, and just as Lorena starts to stake him, there is a knock at the door! It’s BARRY! HI BARRY! Lorena covers Bill’s mouth and says that Bill is TIED UP AHAHA but can she take a message? Barry relays everything that Sookie mind messaged to him, but Bill and Lorena are not the only ones who hear. As soon as Barry says “FotS“ and “basement“ and “sheriff,” Eric, who is across the hall, goes WHUT and vampires out of the room OMG SO QUICK and IS GONE, YO. Don’t let people get it twisted. Eric did NOT perk up when he heard Sookie’s name. It was when he said “sheriff” that Eric cared. Eric is NOT going to save Sookie because he OMG LOVES HER. He’s going after Godric. Because he OMG LOVES HIM.

Anyway, Barry finishes the message, then mind melds back to Sookie, who probably has to take a message because she can’t get to the phone since she is about to be raped, that it is the LAST time that he is helping, but before he can say anymore, a hand reaches out into the hall way and OMG GRABS BARRY AND PULLS HIM INTO THE ROOM! Now, I have gone back and watched this several times to check it, and the room he gets pulled into is Bill’s. Barry is facing Bill’s door, then Eric comes out of the room behind him, Barry turns around to go WTF, and so his back is now to Bill’s door. That is the door that opens, and we can assume that the arm that pulls him in his Lorena’s. OH NOES! BARRY!

Meanwhile, Sookie is about to get raped by Cro-Mitch, and it is very uncomfortable to watch, and just as he’s about to get down to it, something pulls him off Sookie! YAY! Sookie rolls over and looks and…IT’S GODRIC! A much different, more frat boy looking Godric, but IT IS GODRIC. GUH! And he is holding Cro-Mitch by the scruff of his neck, and Sookie goes o.O “Godric?” and Godric goes PWN…without saying a word.

Credits. The most hilarious song EVER, by the way.

PHEW. Next week, I think I will be killed. The first four seconds of the preview KEELED ME already. Godric says “I AM HERE, MY CHILD.” And Eric goes X_____X and then sacrifices himself to the FotS to save Godric? WHAT? DEATH! DEATH TO ME I SAY!!

Just a few things since this has already run on WAY too long. I’m hating what they are doing to Eric. I HATE IT. Everything that made me love Eric in the books is GONE. I don’t even know what the hell they are doing, but we better get AWESOMENESS after this. AND A LOT OF IT. The crying was FAIL, and his attitude altogether lately is FAIL. They better MAKE UP FOR IT. LIKE, A LOT.

Secondly, Godric is far less impressive to me now. I liked the raver-twink monster guy. Now he looks like a frat boy with a bad haircut. It doesn’t matter. Not really anyway. BECAUSE GODRIC PWNS. SRSLY. GUH. And his interactions with Eric are going to make me EXPLODE.

Good episode this week, mostly. There were a few things, but the good definitely made up for the bad. LIK WO. Thanks for reading!!