Recap: True Blood Season 3 "Bad Blood" aka WAIT, WHAT?

HERE IT IS, Y'ALL. The first recap of the season. PHEW, I forgot how hard these things are to write, but I'm definitely glad the show is back on.

Like I said, I wasn't over the moon (LOL WEREWOLF PUN) about this premiere, but it was still pretty good. I have to give them one episode of slack before I start tearing the show a new one. So, enjoy this recap, and I hope you will stick around for the rest of the season, as I'll be doing my best to get them all done in a timely fashion.

LINKAGE
My True Blood Recap Glossary, for words and phrases you might not understand
ALL of my recaps, including the first seven eps of season 1 and all of season 2.
Vlogtasia, my weekly-ish vlog about True Blood, posted after the show airs on Sunday night.


Please remember that my recaps contain spoilers (OBVS) and BOOK SPOILERS.

True Blood
Season 3, Episode 1
"Bad Blood"

Previously on True Blood...

LIKE SRSLY? If you need a season two recap, GTFO.

So, we pick back up right after Season 2 ended, and Sookie, as usual, is running out of somewhere, flailing like a flailing thing, and this time it's Cafe du Corny and she's yelling BILL? BILL!?! The restaurant lady runs out after her and is all WTF, except she's French so it's WAT ZE FOOK? and Sookie explains that her boyfriend is gone! French lady goes KEEDNAPPEENG?? Then she says FUCKING VAMPIRES. IT'S ALWAYS NOTHING BUT SHIT and goes back into the restaurant. That lady is my new favorite person EVER.

Then somewhere else, we see Sam driving around with that paper that the old dying Mr. Merlotte gave him with his real parents' names on it. And then somewhere ELSE we see Jason running into his house, completely freaked out because, well, you know, he did totally just kill someone. He tries to drink a beer to calm down, but apparently that is a FLASHBACK BEER, and he sees himself making SCRAMBLED EGGS, and he FREAKS OUT and punishes a lamp by throwing that beer right at it. Then he's all AHHHHH and sits in his fridge. o.O

Outside of Shithole Bar and Grill, Eggs is still very dead, and Tara is holding his hand because COPS LET YOU DO THAT, and Bud covers him up, but it's no good because OMG DA BLOOOOD soaks right through the sheet, and Tara is like SOBBING, and Lafayette comes out and puts a coat on her and hugs her. Aww.

Then at the Old Compton Place, Jessica finds the flowers that Hoyt left for her, and she's all AWWW FLOWERS, but then she remembers, HI THERE IS A DYING GUY ON THE PORCH, and she drags said dying guy, presumably that gross trucker, into the house!

THEN we see what happened to Bill, and after we go HEY WAIT THIS ISN'T IN THE BOOKS, we remember that we promised everyone we wouldn't worry about the books so much, so we go O HAI BILL. It seems he was KEEDNAPPED by some gross guys, and they see that Sookie is calling Bill's phone and they're like YUM HOT NUMBER, and Bill is like I WILL TELL YOU NOTHING, and they throw his phone out the window! Bill asks them who they are, and the leader guy is all HOW 'BOUT YOU CALL US THE FUCK YOU CREW? And then HE STABS BILL WITH A KNIFE!

Credits. AHHHH!

After the credits, we are back at Cafe du Corny, and French lady is smoking a cigarette all blase like, and Kenya OH SORRY DEPUTY BITCHPANTS is asking Sookie some questions, and says HE PROPOSED AND YOU SAID WHAT, and Sookie explains that she needed a minute, and Kenya and French lady go UH HUH. French lady puts out her cigarette, and Sookie says WTF TRAMPLING ON EVIDENCE, and to myself, I go HA HA CSI BON TEMPS. (A lot of people think that ALL police departments can collect evidence and actually do something with it, but the truth is that most of them can't. So unless you live in a big city, save yourself the trouble of getting laughed at and don't ask them to take fingerprints if somewhere steals your mailbox.)

Anyway, Sookie is all WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, and she is trying her hardest to get out her Cape, and Deputy Bitchpants keeps right on bitching and asking Sookie questions, and Sookie is like OMFG WHO CARES? THE BASTARDS ARE GETTING AWAY. And Deputy Bitchpants says the thing that we are all sort of thinking...WHAT IF THERE ARE NO BASTARDS? WHAT IF BILL JUST GOT PISSED AND LEFT? Sookie counters with the fact that the tables and stuff were turned over, and those are signs of a struggle, and Deputy Bitchpants counters back with it is the sign of a man who lost his temper...with good reason. HAHAHA. Anyway, Sookie tries to charm her and asks her to PLZ file a missing person's report, but Deputy Bitchpants says 48 HOURS, THAT'S THE RULE, DO YOU WANT A RIDE OR NOT. So Sookie has to swallow her pride, and her cape, and get in the car. (Also, that is SUCH a lie. There is no required waiting period to file a missing person's report. NONE.)

Inside Shithole Bar and Grill, Andy is watching Bud question Arlene, and he is mighty nervous. With good reason since we obviously know that HE is the one who made SCRAMBLED EGGS and NOT Jason. Arlene is just going on and on about what she saw, and in the background, Lafayette is funneling liquor into Tara, which ALWAYS produces GREAT results. But then suddenly, Terry comes over and sits down with Andy, and he's all YOUR FIRST KILL...IT'S TOUGH. BUT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE OF GOODNESS AND STUFF, and we go OMG WTF AHAHAHA because the whole thing is really sweet and REALLY weird. They start this huge man love scenario, and in the end, they decide to tell each other that they love each other more often. That's when Bud interrupts and tells Andy that he needs his statement, and then this is where things get REALLY weird.

Arlene is telling Bud how she's sorry that she wasn't more cooperative when Rene was totally a murderer because she totally respects law enforcement, and where would we be as a society without law enforcement, and just as I was like YOU TELL IT because I work in law enforcement, Tara jumps up and is all WTF ARLENE? THIS ISN'T A BEAUTY PAGEANT. And everybody goes O.O, and Lafayette goes AWWW SHIIIT, and Tara starts railing about how THE ONLY MAN SHE EVER LOVED after a few days of knowing him WAS JUST ZIPPED UP IN A BAG OMG AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO PRETEND YOU GIVE A FUCK. Then Arlene is super cute and says I GIVE A FUCK all sweet-like, but Tara FREAKS OUT and is all TRASH IS AS TRASH DOES, and then we don't even have time to go WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN because Arlene delivers the first great one-liner of the new season.

"I'm sorry you feel in love with a serial killer, all right, but honestly, who here hasn't?"

BRB LOLING FOREVER.

But Tara does not think it's funny. She FLIPS OUT again and is all EGGS WASN'T NO KILLER, and Andy points out that HI he confessed, which really doesn't mean anything, but we know that he WAS a killer, even if he didn't know he was killing anybody. Tara doesn't want to hear that, and she's all HE WASN'T RESPONSIBLE, and then Arlene makes the whole thing much, much worse by saying OH WHY? BECAUSE OF SOCIETY? BECAUSE OF SLAVERY? And as we are all cringing because OMFG DID THEY GO THERE, they totally went there, and Tara is all OMFG REDNECK WTF. Lafayette puts an end to this hot mess by saying that he's taking Tara over to Sookie's AND they are stealing a bottle of tequila but he's sure that doesn't surprise anybody, and they leave. Then Arlene digs that hole a little bit deeper by saying I HATE WHEN THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT RACE. Ouch.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has Dying Guy on the steps, and he is busy, um, dying, and she's all NO, YOU STAY WITH ME. YOU STAY WITH ME. Dying Guy says HOS...PI...TAL, and Jessica says YEAH NO, then Dying Guy says FUCK...ING...WHORE, and Jessica AGREES WTF. FEMINISM FAIL. (And really, why didn't she just leave the guy in his truck or on the side of the road or something? OH BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY BILL IS THE WORST MAKER EVER BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TEACH HER HOW TO DISPOSE OF A BODY!) Then shit gets really real because Jessica sees headlights pulling up, and she's all EEP!

Sookie busts into the place yelling for Bill, and she finds Jessica leaning up against the door to the dirt bedroom with blood all over her face, and Sookie is like...UH, IS BILL HERE, and Jessica says no, and Sookie asks her if she's okay, and Jessica is like OH, YEAH. I'M TOTES FINE. Then she corrects by saying that she's been crying because of Hoyt, and I guess Sookie buys that, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed that her dress is all torn and her upper lady parts are all hanging out, but whatever. Sookie is PREOCCUPIED, Y'ALL.

Anyway, Sookie drops the KEEDNAPPEENG bomb, and Jessica is all OMG. Then Sookie says how Bill proposed, and Jessica is like O.M.G, and Sookie stops to say how she didn't say yes or anything yet, and Jessica is like YOU REJECTED HIM, and Sookie goes OMFG IT IS NOT LIKE THAT. She tells Jessica to call her if Bill comes home, even if Bill uses the Maker's Mark and tells her not to, and Jessica is like UM, UHH, and Sookie is like JUST DO IT, and then leaves. As if Jessica wasn't already dealing with enough, she opens the door to dirt bedroom, and is all HEY, DYING GUY, LET'S GET BETTER NOW, K? But Dying Guy is no longer Dying Guy. He is Dead Guy, and Jessica is like FML. She does do a bit of fast thinking and decides to bite her wrist and give him some blood to turn him instead of letting him die, and that is pretty smart, except we all know it's not going to work.

Then we're back in the Homoeroticism Wagon, and the KEEDNAPPERS are all DRINKING BILL'S BLOOD AHHH! And Bill is ilke UGGGHHH, but they are all OHMYGIDDYGOD THIS IS AWESOME and feeling themselves up and stuff. Then there is this really random moment where the guy in the front seat is complaining because he hasn't had any, but he can't really reach Bill, so Leader Guy tells Other Guy to spit some blood into Front Seat Guy's mouth. And Other Guy goes...THAT'S GAY. And the Leader Guy says OH AND PLAYING WITH YOUR OWN TITTIES IN A CAR FULL OF DUDES AIN'T? Other Guy is like TOUCHE, and sucks some of Bill's blood and totally spits it into the guy in the front seat's mouth. It is TOTES GROSS and yet hilarious, and Bill is sitting there going OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A BUNCH OF GAY BIKERS.

No, seriously, Bill tells them that if they had orders not to kill him, they're about to disobey because they are draining him way too fast, and Leader Guy is taking off his leather gloves because he's got blood on them, and Bill starts looking at his hand all O.O, but we can't see it because it's off screen, and we go OMG NOT FAIR!

Back at Jason's Former House of Love, Jason is trying to clean up the lamp he murdered--OH WAIT, THAT WAS EGGS--and Andy comes in and scares him. He tells Jason that he parked around back and snuck through his window. Yeah...creepy. But anyway, another great scene from Team Bromance starts up, and Jason asks how Tara is. Andy tells him that Tara is a fucking mess, and Jason is like UGH, and Andy says DON'T YOU FREAK OUT ON ME. He says they have to keep their story straight because it has holes in it. Like, for example, how the gun that killed Eggs was fired from OVER 20 FEET AWAY OMG. So, this makes Jason freak out even MORE, and he says that they should just go tell Bud everything, but Andy is like WE WILL GO TO JAIL, and Jason knows that he is way too pretty to go to jail.

Andy says that he needs to man up and just deal with it. He says that Bud is a good man, but he's old, so he's starting to suck at police work, so they are going to get through it if they just act normal. And Jason brings up a good point that he doesn't even know what normal is anymore, and Andy brings up another good point that normal for Jason is chasing women. And Jason is like BUT I WANT TO BE NEW JASON, and Andy tells him after they get away with murdering a guy, he can be New Jason, but for now, he is Old Jason, and that means CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON, AND EVERYTHING'S GUN BE ALL RIGHT.

Let me just say that again: CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON.

BRB LOLING FOREVER AGAIN.

Jason is like FINE, and Andy gets up and says SAY IT WITH ME, and says CONSCIENCE OFF, and Jason repeats after him, and Andy says DICK WHAT? And Jason says DICK ON. AND EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

Ladies and gents, we have a new motto for life.

In another stunningly bad move, Sookie goes all the way to Fangtasia because OBVIOUSLY Eric is behind this except there is no evidence that Eric is behind it. Sookie walks right in, and Pam, in one of her worst outfits yet is all, HEEYYYYY, and Sookie says I'M IN NO MOOD FOR LESBIAN WEIRDNESS TONIGHT, PAM. She asks where Bill is, and Pam is like WHO? Then she asks where Eric is, and Pam is like UM...BUSY, and Sookie is like WAT and immediately heads for...the basement? Pam follows her and is all SOOKIE, STOP. DON'T. COME BACK in her most hilarious voice, and then...

Then I'm not sure how this scene was supposed to play, but to me, it was not sexytimes at all. We hear some girl going OH OH OH OH OH, and we see Eric banging said girl, and said girl is all tied up and sort of suspended in the air, and...yeah, he's using the blurry blurness to do said banging and he doesn't even look like he's having a good time and...I don't know. It's just...yuck. It's a bit disturbing to me that not a week or so ago, there were dead guys and shit buckets in that basement, and now Eric is banging some girl down there? In any case, the scene is only saved by us getting a random shot of NAKED ERIC ASS, and you have to remember that the whole time he is talking to Sookie...HE IS TOTALLY NAKED.

Anyway, Eric manparts give the most awkward introduction ever between Sookie and said girl, who is Yvetta, and Sookie is like HI WHATEVER. Eric's manparts walk over to Sookie and ask her what she's doing there, and Sookie is all BILL IS MISSING, AND I THINK YOU DID IT. Eric's manparts say I DIDN'T. NEXT. Sookie asks him where he was around 11 o'clock, and Eric's manparts say that he was there with Yvetta. And Sookie is like YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SIX HOURS? And Eric's manparts say WHAT? IS BILL'S STAMINA NOT UP TO SNUFF? And I know Sookie loves Bill, but you have to assume that she was thinking PHWOAR at this point, at least a little bit.

But getting back to the matter at hand, Sookie randomly asks where she can find Lorena because if Eric didn't do it, then Lorena TOTES did. Eric's manparts say that he should probably deal with Lorena after how Sookie's last meeting went with her, and Sookie is all HOW DO I KNOW YOU WILL, and Eric's manparts say that since he is sheriff, he is duty-bound to find Bill or whatever, even if Bill has something he wants. Then he eye-loves all over Sookie, and we go PHWOAR, and Sookie goes AWKWARD K BAI, and she stomps up the steps and says OH, BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME TEN GRAND. And Eric's manparts are sad to see her go.

Then back in the Homoerotic Wagon, Front Seat Guy is now Roof Guy, and he is like WOOO YEAAAHHH V IS AWESOME. Driver Guy is like STOP IT OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSEF...and then Bill is all UP IN HIS GRILL and Bill says...KILLED. THEN BILL TOTALLY KILLS THE DRIVER AND YANKS THE WHEEL, AND THE CAR GOES FLYING OFF THE ROAD AND OMFG BILL, WHAT A BAMF.

Though some people have brought up UM HI HE WAS JUST DYING, but it's possible that either a) he was faking or b) even when he's dying, Bill is still a BAMF. In any case, he crawls his way out of that totally destroyed car, and I'm not sure why HE'S wearing gloves, but whatever. That's when we realize that OMG THEY FIXED THAT HORRIBLE MAKE UP PROBLEM, and even covered with blood and guts, BILL IS HOT AGAIN YAY! Anyway, he gets out of the wreckage, and he walks away LIKE A BOSS. But before he does, he does this weird JESSICUH, and at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up all AHHHH O.O AHHHH, so this is like...Vampire Phone? Not sure, but Jessica is laying in the dirt bedroom beside Dead Guy, so she's got other things on her mind.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, which apparently still looks like hell and nobody seems to mind, Lafayette has apparently drugged Tara up with some tequila and klonopin, and Tara is like YEAAAH, I GUESSS I FEEEEL BETTTERRRR, and Sookie walks in, and she's like TARA? TARA? WHAT'S THE MATTER? And she goes over and tries to heal Tara's pain with a hug, and Tara starts crying again, and they tell Sookie that Eggs got scrambled, and Sookie is like OH FUCK I SHOWED HIM HE WAS A MURDERER. And Tara is like OH FUCK, I KILL YOU NOW, and she starts choking Sookie!! And after Lafayette recovers from the shock of what the hell is happening, he gets up and gets Tara off of Sookie, and is like HELLO THIS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. And Sookie is like BILL IS GONE TOO, HELLO, and Tara is like WHATEVER, FUCK ALL, Y'ALL and leaves. GAH!

Over in the Basement of Sexual Sadism, Eric is storming around, wearing a silky red robe and talking into a Bluetooth headset, and he's telling some guy HI I TOLD YOU TO GET ME BILL COMPTON. And the guy is like B-B-BUT MISTAH NORTHMAN, SOMEBODY DONE GOT HIM ALREADY, and then Eric COMPLETELY LOSES HIS SHIT, and I swear, I thought the headset was going to shatter into a million pieces from the FORCE OF HIS WRATH. And Pam is like UH, ERIC, WHOA. She tells him that he is LOSING IT, and Eric is like THANK YOU, LADY OBVIOUS. Pam tells him to call the Queen, and Eric is like HI WORST IDEA EVER because Bill is the only vampire who knows that Eric is selling blood for the queen, and if he suddenly goes missing, what is the Queen going to think? And Pam is like BETTER YOU THAN SOMEONE ELSE, and Eric is like HMM, but then he tells Pam to GTFO, and Pam is like UGH, FINE!

Now all the way in Whitetrashfamily, Arkansas, Sam is some shitty motel room, and he's looking for the Mickens family in the phonebook, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He's like WTF, and a voice from the other side says IT'S BILL COMPTON, YO. WTF? Bill? Sam opens the door, and it is, indeed, Bill, but he's all...clean? And Bill tells Sam that he could find him because he drank like a BUNCH of his blood. So, Sam invites him in, and Bill asks him if he can take a shower, and Sam is like OF COURSE, and then Bill says he needs a shirt, and Sam is like I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT...BUT YOU CAN HAVE THE ONE OFF MY BACK.

WAIT, WAT?

And then it gets all SEXY and we're like WAAAAAAAAAAAAT, and then they are standing there all CLOSE and SHIRTLESS, and BILL IS LIKE OOOH YOU LOOK NICE, and SAM IS LIKE THANKS, and Bill is like I'LL TAKE THAT SHOWER NOW...UNLESS YOU'D CARE TO JOIN ME..and Sam is like YEAAAAH, I THINK I WOULDand we are like WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN, and Bill says I HEAR THE WATER IN ARKANSAS IS...VERY HARD. AND THEN THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER AND THEY ALMOST KISS.

And then SAM WAKES UP.

AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXPLODES.

I need a minute here. Phew.

So, yes, Sam's phone ringing is what woke him up, and he tells the lady who is calling from the Chamber of Commerce that he is SO glad that she woke him up. She tells him that she doesn't have any listings for Mickens in the town, but then she gives him secret inside info, that they were last evicted from some house, and OH THEY HAVE A SON, AND HIS NAME IS TOMMY, AND HE WORKS AT THIS CAR FIXING PLACE. And Sam is like KTHNXBAI after he has a little trauma face.

Back in Bone Temps...I mean, Bon Temps, Jason and Hoyt are working on the road crew, and Hoyt is telling Jason how betrayed he feels that his mom lied to him all those years about his dad. Then Jason has this really emo moment where he's like IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY SOMEONE'S LIFE, TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Then he asks Hoyt if he can steal some black eyeliner from his mom and tells him he has to go to Wal-Mart to buy a My Chemical Romance CD.

Oh, and Jason is wearing a hat with a panther on it. LOL SYMBOLISM. Also, Hoyt asks if he can stay with Jason. YAY ROOMMATES!

Then we see Lettie Mae pulling up to Lafayette's House of Blues, and Lafayette is on his way out to work. Lafayette tells her not to leave Tara alone because she is super crazysauce, but Tara was asking for her mom, so that's why he called her. Lettie Mae starts going on with OH THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING MY DAUGHTER BACK, and Lafayette is like SHUT IT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. Lettie Mae is all OH SORRY I SHOT A GUN AT YOU, and Lafayette flat tells her "Bitch, You and Me Bridge ain't never gun motherfuckin' happen." GOD I LOVE LAFAYETTE.

Over at Mayberry PD, Sookie is telling Bud about what happened, and Bud brings up that Sookie was a bit of a bitch right back at Deputy Bitchpants. Sookie is all THE PERSON I WOULD BE ENGAGED TO IF I HAD A CHANCE TO SAY YES HAS BEEN KEEDNAPPED. Except HI YOU DID HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY YES, AND YOU CRIED AND FLAILED INSTEAD. But anyway. Bud makes the mistake of saying that a Missing Person's Report isn't even needed because VAMPIRES AREN'T EVEN PEOPLE. FINALLY, Sookie has some space to spread her Cape, and OH HOW SHE SPREADS IT. Sookie says DON'T MAKE ME FORGET TO RESPECT MY ELDERS. BILL IS YOUR ELDER, SO RESPECK!

Bud is like -_-, but Sookie just keeps right on flapping about how she needs help finding Lorena, but Bud tells her that he's got DEAD HUMAN BODIES piling up, and the town is in a bit of a wreck, so he does have a point. But Sookie is like WTF I LOVE BILL LIKE YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND GRANDBABIES. Then she gives one last might flap of her Cape and she is OUT, YO. The most important part of this scene is that we see now that Sookie BADLY needs a dye job. HER HAIR IS BLACK UNDERNEATH. BLACK.

Back in Whatthefuckery, Arkansas, Sam is pulling up to this car-fixing place, and there is a guy working on a car who has TOMMY written on his shirt. But this guy was LJ on "Prison Break," so he's not Tommy to me. He's LJ. Anyway, Sam pulls up to talk to TommyLJ, and TommyLJ is like NO, I'M NOT THAT GUY. I'M SOME OTHER TOMMY WHO WORKS HERE. THAT TOMMY MICKENS IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT ME. Sam obviously doesn't buy this load of crap, so he makes some random remark about coming back to buy tires, and TommyLJ is like I'LL GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL, UNLIKE THAT TOMMY MICKENS WOULD, THAT TOMMY MICKENS WHO IS NOT ME.

So, back at Lafayette's House of the LAWD, Lettie Mae figures that the best way for Tara to get over the fact that her boyfriend was killed is to get some Jesus in her. Lettie Mae's preacher tells her that all of the bad shit that happened was God's plan to get her to go back to her mother. And Lettie Mae is like IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW AHAHAHA, and Tara is laying there looking like YOU ARE NOT HELPING. OH LAWD, A LIFE WITH JUST LETTIE MAE. BRB NEED TO TAKE SWALLOW A MEDICINE CABINET, I MEAN, TAKE A SHOWER.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, we see Bill climbing out of the dirt, and I have to say, he's doing it pretty sexily, even though he's totally muddy and looks like he REALLY needs a homoerotic shower.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up for the night, and Dead Guy is still Dead Guy, and Jessica is like OH FUCK ME. She gets out of the dirt bedroom to answer her phone, and she thinks it's Bill, but it's Hoyt, and here comes one of those romantic moments that make me gag, but I will attempt to quell my urge to vomit. Hoyt is all DID YOU GET MY FLOWERS I MISS YOU, and Jessica is like I MISS YOU, TOO, BUT THIS IS A BAD TIME, and Hoyt keeps talking about his random haircut, and she's like MUST GO, DEAD GUYS TO BURY, and hangs up, and Hoyt is like OMFG FML! Jessica spends a minute hugging her flowers, and then she sees Dead Guy again, so it sort of ruins the moment.

Over at Fangtasia, Yvetta is falling out of her corset doing a pole-dance for Eric, but Eric's pole is going to have to wait because UH OHS, trouble walks in the door, and that trouble is wearing a fur coat and seriously needs to wash her hair. It's the Queen and...HELLS YES, THE MAGISTER. Eric is like GULP, and he vampires over to greet them. They suggest clearing the place out because they need to talk, and Eric suggests using his office, but the Queen is like NO I BUGGEST YOUR OFFICE LOL! Then the Queen is like EVERYBODY OUT EXCEPT HOT POLE-DANCING FANGBANGERS, and the Magister is like LAW AND ORDUH HEARUH, NO HUMANSSS. I NEED BOTHH OF YOU AT FULL ATTENSHUN, and we go LOL ERIC IS ALREADY AT ATTENTION. So Yvetta leaves. Bye, Yvetta.

The Magister makes himself at home in Eric's Throne of Viking Vikingness, and he tells Eric that SHIT HAS GOTTEN REAL because his area is a big hot mess and is becoming the V capital of the world. And the Queen is like WAAAT, and she says that Eric is the only vampire that can be trusted with this information, and Eric is like -_- at her. The Magister says that THE BLOOD IS SACRED. WASTING IT ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROCREATION IS BLASPHEMY.

Why does that sound familiar....

And the Queen and Eric are like BLASPHEMY! MADNESS! DESECRATION! The Magister asks if Eric has noticed an increase in V users, and Eric says no, but the Magister says HI EVERYBODY ELSE HAS, LOSER. He has deduced that the amount of V flowing around has to mean that a vampire is behind it, and when Eric is like SAY WHAT, the Magister is like *SIGH* There are no missing vampires--EXCEPT BILL, thinks Eric--and no missing vampires means that drainers aren't doing it, so OBVIOUSLY, STUPID LITTLE VIKING, a vampire is supplying the blood. And the Queen is like OMG WHO IS THAT EMO, AND WHOEVER IT IS SHOULD FALL ON HIS OWN STAKE, and she looks at Eric, and Eric goes -_- again, but he says he'll look into the matter of who could be doing this.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is standing around smelling chili, and she asks Lafayette if he's done something different, and at the same time they both say THERE BE CINNAMON IN IT. Lafayette is like WHOA, WOLVERINE, HOW DID YOU SMELL THAT, and Arlene goes OHMYGOD I'M PREGNANT and runs away. WAAAAT?

Across the bar, Hoyt is going back to the table that he is sharing with Jason and these two girls, and at first, these two girls don't look so bad, but then one of them opens her mouth and OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING. BLACK AND DECKER PECKER WRECKER MOUTH. *SHUDDER* Apparently, these girls are driving across the South on their way to California to go to school to become dog psychologists. And Jason is like LOL WAT DOG SHRINK, and there's this whole thing about how dogs can't tell us what's wrong, and Hoyt looks like a puppy or something, and I'm not really even sure what the point of this scene was except to show that Old Jason is in full effect, and Hoyt needs to get used to the "pussy overflow" if he's going to be Jason's roommate. And Andy looks on approvingly as Jason and Hoyt take the girls home.

Back at Fangtasia, Eric and the Queen are walking the Magister out, and the Queen asks what will happen to the vampire responsible. The Magister says that THIS KIND OF MORAL ANARCHY CANNOT BE ALLOWED and assures them that the responsible party will TOTES get punished. And then he says WHAT COLOR IS THE PAINT ON THESE WALLS? IS THAT FORESHADOW? And he leaves. Once's outside, the Queen is all I THOUGHT MORAL ANARCHY WAS THE POINT, and though I have left the books behind, it makes me sad that we will never see Sophie-Anne as she was meant to be. I'd even forgive Evan Rachel Whore for being such a whore if she was playing Book!Queen. Alas.

Anyway, Eric is like SORRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE BUT OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, and the Queen is like YOU DON'T THINK HE BELIEVED US, and Eric is like UH, NO. The Queen says the best solution is to sell everything Eric has, and when Eric is like CRAZY BITCH SAYS WHAT, the Queen says that the IRS is breathing down her neck and she needs money. Wait, what? LOL WHAT? YOUR PALACE OF TACKY WAS TOO EXPENSIVE? Anyway, she tells Eric to sell ALL the V that he has, and she doesn't care for how much, but just get rid of the evidence. And Eric is like UM, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT...

AND THEN THE QUEEN GOES BATSHIT AND SHE CLIMBS ALL UP ON ERIC LIKE HE'S A TREE AND SHE IS SHRIEKING LIKE A BANSHEE AND SHE SMASHES ERIC'S MANPARTS IN HER HAND, AND SHE'S ALL HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A VAMPIRE QUEEN BROKE. Then she climbs down like it ain't no thang.

So, yeah, that bad ass.

Except OMFG HER FANGS ARE SO HUGE AND HIDEOUS. What IS that? Why don't hers fit right? They were bad last season, but they are way worse now. And Eric is like OMFG DIAF, and we are like OH GURL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

But then Eric gets his panties out of the wad they were in, and he's like OH BTW, I LOST BILL. And the Queen is like BILL WHO? GET ME MONEY. BYE BITCH. Godga, I hope the Magister kills her.

Back at Casa de Craphouse, Sookie is apparently on the phone with Isabel from Dallas, and there is a knock at the door. OH, LOOK! IT'S PAM! AND SHE'S WEARING PINK! Pam walks in asks Sookie why she had to kill Maryann because Maryann is an awesome decorator. Oh, Pam. Sookie is all WHAT ABOUT BILL, and Pam is like BILL WHO? She says she is just making her rounds, and she gives Sookie a check from Eric. Sookie is like THIS IS TOO MUCH MONEY, and Pam is like YOU DESERVE A BONUS FOR SUCKING HIS CHEST, I MEAN GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND AND ALMOST GETTING RAPED AND BLOWN UP AND STUFF.

Then Pam goes UUUGGGH and shivers, and Sookie is like WTF, and Pam explains that Eric just "called her", apparently on the Vampire Phone, and Pam vampires out, and that's when Sookie realizes HEY, JESSICA HAS VAMPIRE PHONE WITH BILL.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Terry is looking for Arlene, and he finds her in Sam's office, and he's like DATE NIGHT Y/Y, and she FREAKS out and is all I HAVE TO THINK OF MY KIDS OMG. Hey, wait. So, season 2 started two weeks after Rene was killed, and all of season 2 was only like what two weeks in real time? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ARLENE IS PREGGO WITH SERIAL KILLER BABY? I'm sure not, but PLOT HOLE!

In the walk-in fridge, Pam has brought a bunch of V to Lafayette who is like HALF OFF WHAT, and she says they want the money by the next night, and Lafayette starts to say HOOKUH, WTF, and then PAM freaks out and gets all up on Lafayette and gives one of the best speeches of the show, which I will transcribe for you here:


Pam: I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if i need to, and also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.

Lafayette: Aight.

Pam: Yeah? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?


BRB DYING OF LOVE FOR PAM FOREVER.

She leaves, and Lafayette is like FML HARDCORE WITH NO LUBE.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie walks in, and Jessica is like RIGHT THERE, and she's like CALL FIRST MUCH. Sookie brings up the Vampire Phone, and Jessica says that yes, she did feel a bit sick and shivery, and MAYBE she saw a place where Bill might be, so Sookie throws her the keys and says ROAD TRIP. But then Sookie is like UGH WHAT IS THAT SMELL, and Jessica says OH, JUST A DEAD GUY...POSSUM. DEAD POSSUM.

So, back on Half-Dead Vampire Street, Bill stumbles along and comes up to a house and rings the bell, and oh no. An old lady with an oxygen tank answer the door, and she's all STANLEY? STANLEY, MAH BOY, IS THAT CHOO? But it is not Stanley, it is the Tornado of Sex and Fangs, and she says he looks hungry and invites him in, and well, you can guess the rest.

Back at Lafayette's House of Conversion, the pastor is done, and Tara jumps up and says ALL BETTER. I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER, and Lettie Mae stupidly lets her go because she's more interested in the pastor. She's all OH YOU'RE THE BEST CAN I HUG YOU, and she does, and she TOTALLY MOLESTS THE PREACHER, and he's like O.O and gets out of there quick. Meanwhile in Lafayette's awesome bathroom, Tara runs the shower, then locks the door and sits on the toilet, and this isn't going to end well.

All the way over in Wherethefuckarewe, Arkansas, Sam is being a creeper and he follows TommyLJ home, and he sneaks up and looks in the mailbox and finds all of these past due bills addressed to THE MICKENS FAMILY. TOMMYLJ IS A LIAR! This is the point where I'd say that Sam might be better off just going back home.

Back at Jason's House of ED, he's having some trouble getting going with the girl from Shithole Bar and Grill, and apparently, it's because he keeps seeing her with a bullethole in her head. The other girl comes in because Hoyt is all crying about Jessica, so maybe this will work. Two girls surely will cure his problems! But instead, they BOTH have bulletholes. So, he tells them to "pay attention to" each other, but EVEN THAT DOESN'T WORK. They're like WTF, and he says, WELL I KEEP SEEING BULLETHOLES IN YOUR HEADS, and the girls are like UHH, BYE. So, Jason sits down and starts cussing at Little Jason for failing him, but knowing Jason, he probably named it Maximus or something.

Why do guys name their manparts? That's ubercreepy if you ask me.

Anyway.

Over at Old Lady Buffet, Bill has had his dinner, but he didn't kill the old lady! YAY! He lays the hypnovamp on her, and he tells her THIS NEVER HAPPENED, KAY? HERE IS SOME MONEY, AND YOUR SON VISITED, AND IT WAS GREAT. But while he's talking to her, he hears all these wolves howling outside, and we're like UM, WHAT, and Bill asks the old lady where they are, and she's like M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, and Bill is like NO TIME FOR SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK. GOTTA GO. And he runs off into the night, wearing a very fabulous flowered shirt. And the wolves are outside going ahOOOOOH.

Back at Lafayette's House of Intervention, Lettie Mae is reading a magazine when Lafayette gets home and is like WHERE BE TARA, and Lettie Mae says she's in the shower, and Lafayette is like HELLO WITH RAZORS AND MY WHOLE CABINET OF PILLS? And he runs to the bathroom, but it's too late because Tara is already gobbling down all the pills she can find! WHAT THE HELL? YOU KNEW EGGS FOR A WEEK. My man friend left me without a word after TWO YEARS, and all I did was have a cry and eat a whole chocolate cake. WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BLACK WOMAN EMPOWERMENT CAPE, TARA? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? SHOP AT HOT TOPIC, CUT YOUR HAIR, AND GET OVER IT.

So, on No Longer Half Dead Vampire Street, Jessica is driving up to where Bill pulled his BAMF move, and Sookie runs down to see that there are bodies in the car. Jessica pulls one out, but there are no wallets or phones or anything, but they do find a sort of brand on his neck, and it looks like a squiggly line or something, and they're like WTF?

SO JESSICA LOOKS ON THE ANCIENT RUNES APP THAT SOOKIE HAS ON HER PHONE THAT GET SERVICE ALL THE WAY IN MISSISSIPPI AND THEY FIND IT. IT MEANS OPERATION WERWOLF.

I'm sorry, but I have to call bullshit here. EXCUSE ME? WHAT? I swear.

Anyway, speaking of Operation Werewolf, Bill is vampiring through the woods like a...vampire, and he suddenly stops because HOLY SHIT there are like FIVE WOLVES SURROUNDING HIM. And they have lame glowing eyes, and they're like GRR ARGH, and Bill is like, I SHOULD WARN YOU, YO. I FED. And the wolves are like BRING IT. And Bill is like IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT'N.

END.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

THIS DAY OF WIN

As you may or may not know, I am not a skinny girl. I have never been a skinny girl. I will never be a skinny girl.

At this point in my life, I'm really uncomfortable with my weight, and I've taken steps to try to change that. I've given up fast food, and I've got 20 days without it under my belt. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS. I LOVE MCNUGGETS OM NOM NOM.) I'm starting to eat better, and less, and it's slow, but I'm going to stick with it.

However, no matter what size I am, and I have been many different sizes in my life, I hate buying clothes. I HATE IT. I especially hate buying jeans. I'm usually reduced to tears in the span of a few minutes. I'm short, I have a short waist, and I have no ass at all, and so finding jeans is ridiculously hard for me. I managed to find a pair a few months ago, but they no longer fit. YAY, but GRR. I've been gutting it out, wearing a belt and such, but the prospect of buying another pair of a jeans just made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for DAYS.

I also have trouble because while I don't feel I'm hideously obese just yet, I'm still large in the belly and shoulder/arms area. The problem comes with the upper girlie parts area. I can't find clothes that fit in both places. They either fit great everywhere but upper girlie parts, or they fit my upper girlie parts and then nowhere else. It's so exhausting to try and find things that look good and are comfortable. So, I usually don't. I've lived my life in t-shirts, and I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

At some point, a girl has to go OMFG STOP WEARING CLOTHES A TEENAGER WOULD WEAR.

Today, my sister and I went to use her Target gift card she got for Christinamas, and to make some pictures of Maggie from a memory card. While in Target, I was going to find a new purse--as I don't carry them for longer than three months, and I've been carrying my Cobra Commander bag for four OMFG THE SHAAAAME--and Mook was going to buy it for me. HOORAY AND REJOICE! I should have known better. Besides the fact that everything in Target was SUMMER or LEATHER, as soon as Mook found some shirts she liked, she withdrew her offer to pay for my new purse, and I was left holding the new scarf I found going WTF.

We're browsing some clearance, and IGNORING THE FACT THAT IT WAS A MATERNITY DRESS, I found *GASP* A DRESS. I don't wear dresses! I don't even OWN a pair of shorts! But I saw this dress, and I LOVED IT, and I NEEDED IT. So we went to the dressing room, I tried it on, and, of course, it didn't fit right. I was crushed. I was absolutely defeated. I was getting into the mood that makes my sister want to choke me with fashion scarves. We wandered over to the shoe aisle because Mook has been searching in vain for a new pair of boots, and I was trudging, completely resigned that I would be a gelatinous shrew who can't find clothes for the rest of my life.

AND THEN I SAW THEM.

There they were, sitting on a shelf with a big sticker that said CLEARANCE, and it was like a light came down from heaven and said BROOKE! DO NOT THINK YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A GELATINOUS SHREW! HERE IS SOME ENCOURAGEMENT. BUY THESE.

And I kid you not, as I stood there, staring at them in wonder and awe, the only thing that came into my head was the following:

LADY GaGa WANTS YOU TO HAVE THESE.


Yeah, they're on the toilet. SO WHAT?

I have NEVER in my LIFE worn a pair of high heels, but BY GODGA I WILL LEARN.


Even in a crooked picture, THEY ARE AMAZING.

I almost broke my neck trying them on, but I CAN LEARN THAT SHIT. Of course, these things cannot come without some raincloud on the horizon. They had them in my alleged shoe size, which is 8, but they did not fit. I started to hyperventilate, but then I found a pair of 9's, and when I say my alleged shoe size is 8, that means I actually wear a 7, but my foot is so wide that I have to wear an 8 because a 7w just doesn't cut it. I put them on, and HOORAY, THEY FIT.

Now, the price. *SIGH*

Oh, YOU KNOW IT. THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE FOR 8 BUCKS. EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE MAGNIFICENT SHOES!

After Mook let me use the balance of her gift card, I PAID $1.97 FOR THESE BABIES.

We had to go and find a skirt for me to wear with these monsters because my jeans are too short, or so Mook claims, and that is where we got into trouble. I am trusting you, my lovely flist, to never tell this secret that I am about to reveal to you. It's hard for me to admit this, but I'm going to do it because I feel like I can trust you, and you won't make fun of me.

I spent $100 on the MILEY CYRUS line of clothes at Wal-Mart.

I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

THESE CLOTHES ARE AMAZING. I am a fat girl with huge boobs, and they look GREAT on me. GREAT. AND EVERYTHING WAS ON CLEARANCE. Plus, I found a pair of jeans that fit and look good IN ONE TRY. FOR $18.

Then we got CORN DOGS for dinner on the way home.

THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

Avatar: GET AN ORIGINAL IDEA PLZKTHNXBAI

So, we saw Avatar today.

Do you want to know what Avatar is? I will be happy to break it down for you with a simple math problem.

(Pocahontas - Native Americans) + (Dances With Wolves - everything awesome about it) + (Ferngully - pixies) X (Final Fantasy X - Japanese people) = AVATAR


I have never IN MY LIFE seen a movie that rips off A MILLION OTHER MOVIES the way Avatar does. It is STAGGERING. THE ENTIRE MOVIE SHOULD BE CALLED "8 OTHER MOVIES YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN."

We got there late, so I only got to see the last half of ONE trailer, but it was Percy Jackson and OMFG I AM SO EXCITED. Because we were late, we were in the second row, and it was ZOMG HUGE and hard to concentrate, but it was very hilarious to see me and my cousins and sister take up an ENTIRE ROW of the movie theater. It was me, Mook, Cousins BChar, RChar, AChar, ESin, ASin, and SCas. (NAMES ABBREVIATED TO BE HILARIOUS.)

ANYWAY. So, the movie starts, and immediately, I got OMFG WHO IS THIS GUY FOR HE IS TEH_HOT, and yes, Sam Worthington is TEH_HOT, but he is also TEH_BAD ACTOR. Not HORRIBLE, but also not great. The blue people freaked me out at first, and then I was MESMERIZED by them. It's strange how Sigourney Weaver looked PRETTIER as a blue person. They are freakishly tall, and I was immediately draw in, and was all X___X watching the whole thing.

The plot is...complex. There is this mineral the that humans want called UNOBTANIUM. (YES, REALLY.) The biggest deposit of it is under the Hometree (AGAIN, REALLY), and the problem is that the blue people, the Na'Vi, live in that tree, hence the name. The humans want to use these things called avatars, which are basically human/na'vi hybrids, to go in and convince the na'vi to leave so they can OBTAIN the mineral. The main guy is a paraplegic guy named Jake Sully who is just a regular Marine. His brother was supposed to go and do this communing with the blue people, but his brother got merked, so he's going in his place. He goes, he gets separated from the party, the na'vi princess finds him. (I knew immediately that Na'vi princess was Zoe Saldana without having seen the cast list, and it sort of made me love her a little from the beginning.) Anyway, Jake starts to be all in love with the Na'vi, and he doesn't want to go back to his life, and then the humans are all WE WANT THE STUFF, and Jake is all OMG NO, so then it is WAR, and yes, it is WAR.

That is just the skeleton of the movie. I'm not doing it justice because IT DOES NOT DESERVE JUSTICE. IT IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF.

Guy going into a group of indigenous peoples, learning their ways, and becoming one of them? YEAH, DANCES WITH WOLVES.

OH NOES, SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. IT IS BEAUTY AND SHE IS OUR MOTHER. Yeah, that movie was called FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST.

Outsider guy falling in love with the daughter of the chief who is already pledged to someone in the tribe, causing outrage among said tribe, especially the chief? POCAHONTAS UP IN HERE.

Huge mechanical suits of armor walking around stomping on all the pretty spiritual trees and such? FINAL FANTASY X? YEAH, I PLAYED THAT.

It's just so shockingly UNORIGINAL as far as the storyline goes. There was even a moment that I went OMFG AM I WATCHING BRAVEHEART? But here's the thing--those things all had great stories. They all had elements that people love, that I FUCKING LOVE. So, it's not a bad story at all. It's a great story. It's just not some new original AMAZING OMFG MY MIND IS BLOWN thing. James Cameron did great things in movies when he first showed up, but arguably his greatest success, Titanic, was not an original story. It was one of the most famous stories in the world, and all he did was write a crappy love story to put in as a sideline. His strength has not been storytelling for a LONG, LONG time.

HOWEVER.

The look of this movie...it's amazing. It's breath-taking. This movie took 10 fucking years to make, and it shows. There were only two moments that I went OMFG FAKE, and the rest of it is beautiful. Everything is so PRETTY, but the look of Pandora is like a recreation of the previously mentioned Final Fantasy X. But I LOVE THAT GAME BECAUSE IT IS PRETTY.

I'm not kidding. It will make your jaw drop open. It's so easy to believe that the movie is REAL. I kept getting frustrated any time they would jump out of the avatars because the real world was so barfy compared to the world deep inside Pandora. It's captivating, and it's stunning, and that is something I cannot take away from the movie. A+++++ for style. Just AWESOME.

But then...OMFG IT IS SO FUCKING CHEESY. The "bad guy"--WHO DIDN'T WANT TO STAB HIM? The shit he was saying made me roll my eyes. When Jake became MASTER OF THE FIRE COLORED DRAGON THING...IT WAS TOO MUCH. It was all so beautiful that you almost don't care, but yes, my cousin and I were cracking up because OMFG WHUT? A lot of it was SO CHEESY. It was never unbearable, but it was enough to make us go OH AHAHAHAHA.

I did get teary-eyed a few times. When Jake became Master of the Fire Colored Dragon Thing, when the animals of Pandora came to their aid during the battle, when fucking Sigourney Weaver died...yes, I got teary-eyed. It was compelling stuff. No doubt about it.

The movie is weird. It's weird and creepy and cheesy and lame at points. It's WAY TOO LONG. They could have easily cut out a good twenty minutes, but I didn't mind the stuff that could have been cut. Nothing made me go OMFG MOVE ON ALREADY. I was not crazy about the over abundance of tentacle-shaped things. I DO NOT LIKE TENTACLES. And their braids? OY HOW WEIRD. When Jake and his girlfriend mate? YUCK. When she finds him in his human form, and she's all OMG CARESS? SQUICK.

But none of the things I didn't like about this movie make it a bad movie. It's a very, very good movie. I mean, super fantastically good. I just wish people would stop being all OMFG BEST MOVIE EVER because yes, it is the best movie ever BECAUSE IT HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE 8 TIMES. The story is NOT original, but the execution definitely is. If you can look past the obvious political and environmental preaching, you can enjoy it as just a good story with awesome effects. It's absolutely worth the time and money to go and see it.

I'm still holding District 9 as the best movie I've seen all year, but that is because I value story over aesthetics any day. You can dress up shit in a pretty dress, but it is still shit.

Avatar is not shit. Not at all. It's fabulous. 5 Creepy Tentacle Braids out of 5.

AND I WANT A FIRE COLORED DRAGON THING NAO PLZ.

SPOCKBROWS > SYBROWS but Both of Them Make Me Want to Maul Zachary Quinto

Prepare yourself, I am about to say unpopular things, which honestly, if you didn’t know that I have a tendency to say unpopular things WHAT, ARE YOU NEW? That is what I do! I say unpopular things in ALL CAPS with lots of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!1!one! It is how I roll, and this shall be no exception.

Everyone thinks that Star Trek is above reproach, and to that, I say WHAT ARE YOU? NEW? Everyone, including Star Trek fans (either Trekkies or Trekkers) LOVE to complain and nitpick Star Trek. No, they’re not as bad as the Star Wars fans, who are, let’s face, completely insane, but they are pretty bad. They think they’re so ELITE OMG and that their opinions MATTER. (If you think your opinions matter, please reference Star Trek V and Star Trek: Generations. YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.)

I, myself, am a Trekkie, and if you do not know the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker, please GTFO of this review. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME. Or, more accurately, you have some sort of a semblance of a life, and therefore, I cannot relate to you.

I also have a love/hate relationship with Star Trek in that I love Star Trek: The Next Generation and I hate Star Trek: The Original Series. KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. I do not care if that is blasphemy. I DO NOT CARE. TNG is what got me into Star Trek, and I only went back and watched the important episodes of TOS because I was forced to by my more enthusiastic Star Trek friends. TNG is a superior show, in every way, because TNG has Patrick Stewart and the lovely hunk of bearded man meat known as William T. Riker (real name, not important).

However, because the Newest Star Trek, sometimes stupidly referred to as Star Trek 0 or Star Trek 11, which is WRONG on so many levels, is a reboot. Do not let people tell you that it is a reMAKE or a re-imagining or any other word that starts with re. IT IS A REBOOT because J.J. Abrams is a lunatic fool if he thinks he won’t make another one. This movie made kajillions of dollars, and LOST is over next year, so he needs something to do. THIS MOVIE IS A REBOOT.

Which is a good thing seeing as how I loathed TOS except for Bones and Spock, and I can happily say that the Newest Star Trek did what the show should have done and that is focus completely and totally on Spock and only give Kirk ten minutes of crybaby time. Let’s face it, Kirk has always been exceptionally less interesting than everyone around him. HE IS A DUDE FROM IOWA. That is not compelling storytelling. A half-Vulcan, half-human guy is SO much more interesting, and if I had my druthers, I would say TO HELL WITH KIRK, LET’S CALL THIS THE SPOCK MOVIE AND BE DONE WITH IT.

The story of the Newest Star Trek was cranked out of the GENERIC STAR TREK STORYLINE MACHINE. Some bad guy has some grudge against the Federation and decides to use some horribly destructive machine to destroy some picturesque planet from which at least one person on the Enterprise hails, therefore setting in motion a story of revenge and, ultimately, the finding of oneself.

EXCEPT THAT IS NOT THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE.

The plot of his movie is Eric Bana is Captain Nero, the character with the worst name in the history of Star Trek because of the thinly veiled symbolism. Anyway, Captain Nero has a grudge against Spock from the future because Spock from the future couldn’t prevent a totally unpreventable disaster from destroying Romulus, and nobody in the Federation cried about it because THE ROMULANS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BAD GUYS. But, Nero is sad in his pants because his wife and unborn spawn died in the ASPLODE, and now he has been waiting for 25 years to catch up with Spock from the future, who is not Zachary Quinto, but is, in fact, Leonard Nimoy, and OH WHO THE HELL CARES. THE PLOT IS NOT IMPORTANT.

But I will stop to say that J.J. Abrams needs to stop drinking the Kool-Aid supplied by whoever told him it was a good idea to include time travel in everything he does ever. First, LOST, then Fringe, now this mess. TIME TRAVEL CONFUSES PEOPLE. Meaning it confuses me, so DON’T DO IT OMG. What IS important in this movie is the casting, and I have to say that I have a few complaints, but overall, I’m pleased. Let’s just address the elephant in the room, and that elephant’s name is Chris Pine.

WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET THIS GUY?

I hated him. HATED. HIM. I could barely get past his voice which sounds a lot like a cross between Christian Slater (Star Trek VI HOLLA) and that guy who plays Matt on Nip/Tuck. His Kirk is WHINY and ANNOYING, and NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE. We are supposed to like him. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR CAPTAIN, and he is supposed to lead us on this incredible journey, and instead, he just stands around and goes WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? His casting was a fail. I had never heard of him before this movie, and sadly, I believe I will keep hearing about him when they make more of these movies, and that makes me said.

His horribleness, however, cannot eclipse the wonder that is Zachary Quinto. The man terrifies me on Heroes, and his eyebrows are…well, they are the Sybrows, and if the people of the world would put their faith in the Sybrows, I am convinced they could solve world hunger and disarm the nuclear weapons. THE MAN IS AMAZING. I had my doubts because he was taking on one of the most beloved sci-fi characters of all time, but he and his amazing eyebrows (Spockbrows?) managed it, and THEY MANAGED IT GOOD.

The rest of them…eh, I hate Karl Urban. I don’t know why, I just do. I have never been a fan. I think he is a good actor, yes, and he looks lovely riding a horse with his long blond flowing locks trailing behind him, but there is something about him that irks me. For him to be playing my favorite Star Trek character…it was difficult for me at first. However, I think he did a great job. Also, SIMON PEGG. That is all that needs to be said. He is amazing. END OF STORY. Zoe Saldana is lovely, and I thought she was all right, but then we have John Cho, and I LOVED HIM. A LOT.

What caught my eye were the random cameos. WINONA RYDER? REALLY? And WTF was Tyler Perry doing as a Starfleet Admiral? MY MIND WAS BLONW. And don’t think I didn’t hear your voice, Greg Grunberg. OH, I DID, AND I LOVED IT.

I think rather than saying the things I did like about this movie, I will list what I didn’t like. The Spock/Uhura thing FREAKED ME OUT. I’m not sure if it’s because I always viewed Spock as asexual, or if I was just annoyed that they thought THIS WILL PLEASE THE GIRLS. Well, this girl is NOT PLEASED. I also do not appreciate them throwing in “cute” things that are a “tribute” to the original series. YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU, GREEN GIRL WHO HAS A NAME THAT I DO NOT CARE TO REMEMBER.

The problem with that is that if this is a reboot, then reboot it. DO NOT DO THINGS THE SAME AS THEY WERE DONE. Distance yourself from the original material, and set the standard for the movies to come after this. I think the movie managed it, and then some, but the little things that I am sure made hardcore fans pee their pants just made me go OMFG THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF STAR TREK.

Let me clarify something. I FREAKING LOVED THIS MOVIE. But I am not over the moon like most fans were. I think it has problems, but it is a Star Trek movie, so of course it will have problems. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it because I did. A LOT. In fact, I am already watching it again, and I will probably watch it four or five times before the week is over. I just think there were things that could have been changed, or maybe, it’s better to say things I didn’t like. The movie is just fine the way it is. It’s good. It’s really good.

AND WHEN DID SULU START KICKING SO MUCH ASS? Even though they totally looked like Power Rangers sailing through the sky like that.

Random fandom aside: THANK YOU, JJ, FOR NOT OVERBLOWING THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT BETWEEN KIRK AND SPOCK. It was better directed at Kirk and Bones. OMFG THEY WERE TOTALLY BOYFRIENDS.

In summation, this movie SETS ITS PHASER TO STUN. AHAHA OMFG I suck at life. No, really. I loved it. Really loved it, and I cannot wait for more of them provided that Spock and Uhura break up, and we never have to see Chris Pine in a fight scene ever again because obviously, dude cannot win a brawl.

4.5 POINTY-EARED HOTTIES OUT OF 5

Recap: True Blood Season 1--"Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" aka I KNOW. I WAS THERE.

First, let me take a moment to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading these recaps all season. You have no idea how much joy you have given me. This is a lot of work every week, but I do it because I enjoy it, and I love to hear from everyone with what they thought of the show. There has been some heartache, some annoyance, some anger, and some betrayal, but overall, writing these and hearing from everyone has made the last four months AMAZING for me. SO THANK YOU.

I do hope you’ll stick around, but if you were only friending me for the recaps and wish to de-friend me now, it’s totally okay. I’ve gotten to know some of you, and there are some of you I want to get to know, so I do hope you’ll stay, but if not, I will see you next season, hopefully!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SO FANTASTIC FOR ME.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, MY LOVELIES.
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.
I know I’m not winning an award or anything, but SHUT UP. I AM THANKING YOU FOR BEING THE BEST FLIST IN THE WORLD. :D

Without further ado…



Previously on True Blood…

You’ve been watching the show all season. YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Do you really need me to tell you again? I DIDN’T THINK SO.


So, Sookie is still screaming her fool head off, and Lafayette tells Tara that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg. Tara picks it up oh so carefully, and Sookie is going TARA! TARA! the whole time, but TARA TARA doesn’t listen. She and Eggs are like HE‘S COMNG YAY and she‘s carrying the egg REALLY carefully, and all I wanted to see was her drop the egg and go NOOOOOO. Anyway they take the egg downstairs, leaving Sookie alone with Lafayette. Sookie starts going LAFAYETTE SWEETIE THIS ISN’T YOU, and she reads Lafayette’s mind, but all she hears is that stupid PREPARE FOR BROWNIES, PREPARE FOR DENTURES, PREPARE FOR YELLOW FURIOUS chant, and he pushes her away and tells her to take off her clothes. EEP WHUT? Sookie goes LAFAYETTE HEY LAFAYETTE, and Lafayette busts out his badass card aka AIDS Burger, and says “I have 1,000 year old vampire blood in me, now take off yo FUCKING CLOTHES.”

Incidentally, the guy watching the finale with me said, right before the show started, “Bets on how long passes before we see Sookie’s breasty business.” He said less than a minute, and I said five, so he was technically right, even though we didn’t actually see them.

So, Sookie strips down, and Lafayette pulls out this big long white gown, then the next thing we see is Lafayette pushing her down the stairs, and when they get to the living room…OH AHAHAHAHA. WHUT? There is Maryann in a hideously hilarious wedding dress with Arlene, Tara, and Jane Bodehouse acting as bridesmaids. They are all wearing stupid crowns of ivy, and they all turn around and Maryann goes O HAI. Sookie is INCREDULOUS and we find out that it’s GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS, THAT BITCH. Sookie goes WTF, and Maryann says that Sookie is her maid of honor! YAY!

Credits.

After the credits, Sookie is struggling against Eggs, and Eggs is telling her to just let it take her, and Sookie says HELL NAW I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT. Maryann tells her to STFU, that she’s only been borrowed, to go alone with old (Jane Bodehouse), new (Tara), and blue (Arlene.) At least I hope, because if she meant blue for Tara…that shit is just wrong. Anyway, Sookie’s only concern is that Maryann has no right to wear Gran’s dress, but honestly, aren’t there bigger things at hand here? And look! Lafayette has changed into his own bridesmaid dress! YAY! Maryann says she should have asked about the dress, but she couldn’t find Sookie, and HI Sookie is probably never going to use it anyway. (BESIDES, IT IS HIDEOUS.)

Sookie just goes WTF YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY FRIENDS…AND JANE BODEHOUSE. And honestly, I wish Jane Bodehouse would get murdered. Whoever that woman is, she is the WORST actress. Anyway, Jane Bodehouse likes Sookie because she gives her extra pickles. Whatever. Maryann gets all pissy and tells Sookie to stop being so negative on “her day”. I HATE when brides to be say that. “It’s MY DAY.” Bitch, it’s Sunday, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It’s not YOUR DAY. You’re just getting married. The world does not stop for you.

Ahem.

Sookie is OUTRAGED, and she tells Maryann that she doesn’t know HOW she did all this, but she will NOT let it happen. Maryann doesn’t like this one bit, and she makes the bridesmaids and Eggs leave so she can have some girl talk with Sookie. Once they’re gone, Maryann goes BRING IT. Sookie says BRING WHAT? A VEGETABLE OR MEAT DISH? Maryann means the Glowy Palm of Glowness because it felt like Nature herself all up in her grill, and Sookie goes WTF? I DON’T EVEN. But she steps up, and it is a hilarious moment when she presses her fingers all up on Maryann’s face, then she finally gives up and shoves her. Maryann goes -_- THAT’S HITTING ME. I was screaming, “GOUGE OUT HER EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!”

Maryann says that Sookie isn’t committing enough, and Sookie goes WTF I AM NOT AN X-MAN ANYMORE. I AM HUMAN, YA‘LL. Maryann just laughs and says that if she WAS human, the hippy hippy shake would work on her, and she demonstrates that it doesn’t. She’s all SO, WTF ARE YOU?

And then I am in love with Sookie for a moment as she responds, “I’m a waitress…what the FUCK are you?”

AHAHAHAHAHA. THERE’S THE SOOKIE WE KNOW AND LOVE.

Meanwhile, across town at Maxine’s House of Bad Karaoke, Maxine is singing along with some old song and dancing in the kitchen. It’s terrifying. Hoyt has fallen asleep in a chair, and Maxine goes to sneak out with her delicious casserole when she notices this. But Hoyt is no fool. He’s tied a piece of yarn across the kitchen, Home Alone style, and when Maxine gets caught on it, it yanks up his hand and wakes him up. He goes flying into the kitchen to stop her from leaving, and she’s all LET ME GO TO THE PARTY, NORMAN BATES which I’m sure is what Hoyt has been saying to her for YEARS, except the Norman Bates part. She says OMG A GOD IS COMING HELLO, but Hoyt says they are staying home, so she hits him with her purse and tries to run. Obviously, it doesn’t work.

Back at the Stackhouse Little Chapel of Love, Maryann is telling Sookie to think back and wondering if she ever felt somebody watching over her? Sookie goes YEAH, IT WAS GOD, and Maryann goes AHAHA YES BUT NO. Then Sookie flashes back to that night when she beat up the Rattrays in the very first episode, how when she threw the chain, it actually TIGHTENED around Mack’s neck. (UM, HI, THAT WAS CLAUDINE WATCHING FROM THE WOODS, so says the deleted scene.) Sookie finally agrees that maybe possibly she isn’t all human, but what is she? Maryann says WHO KNOWS, but that she’s not outright human because she’d be able to feed off her energy if she was, and that’s rare, but not unique in Bon Temps. Then Sookie puts two and two together, and she says SAM? ZOMG YOU’RE MARRYING SAM?

This is the wrong thing to say. Maryann goes HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HUSBAND. Sam is just a wedding gift, then she gets all teary-eyed and says OH NOES I’LL SMUDGE. Sookie is like WHAT IS THIS MADNESS because Sam never did anything to her (except steal a lot of money), and Maryann says WHUT? That he appeared as a naked virgin, drawn to the statue that (incorrectly) represents her god! That means he is the vessel, DUH. HI, NO. Sam was just a hungry runaway who was looking for crap to steal. ANYWAY, Sookie is like WTF SACRIFICE? LIKE HIS HEART? Maryann says YEP. Sookie says that Sam will be able to escape, but Maryann reveals her evil plan. Once Sam realizes that Sookie is there, in danger, he’ll come running. Sookie actually has to sit down when she hears this because HI, Maryann is right. Stupid, noble Sam. Then she puts a wreath on Sookie’s head and says SO PRETTY!

Over at the Palace of the Eternally Damned and Tacky, the Yahtzee game that Bill walked out on is still going strong, but with Eric playing in Bill’s place. (This is the point when the ASkars stans started FREAKING out because OH NOES ASKARS AND ERW ARE IN THE SAME ROOM. THAT MEANS THEY ARE IN LOVE. Whatever, that whore bangs all her co-stars. At this rate, she’ll look 45 by the time she’s 30. OH WAIT, SHE ALREADY DOES AND SHE‘S ONLY 22. /rant)

ANYWAY, Eric does not look pleased to be playing Yahtzee. Obviously, his game is Mystery Date. Eric asks how long the game goes on, and the Queen says that they play to 5 million, which would be…a long time. Then she goes on one of her stupid and horribly written speeches about how Yahtzee is so great because it’s luck and losers could beat her. WHATEVER STFU NOBODY CARES.

Then after all that, she goes, OH BTW SORRY ABOUT GODRIC. THAT BLOWS. Eric looks like he’s about to puke for a second, but then he says thank you and is trying to say how kind the Queen is, but instead, she is rolling and gets another Yahtzee! Then she says YOU WERE SAYING, and Eric is VERY annoyed at this point, but she interrupts him AGAIN by mentioning the maenad in Renard Parrish. (Normally, I’d hate this whole exchange, but it does actually highlight how vampires as old as Eric and the Queen SHOULD act about their makers biting the big one. IT SHOULD BE NO BIG DEAL, definitely not something to cry big hacking sobs over.)

Anyway, she tells him about the maenad, and Eric says I KNOW. I WAS THERE. She tells him not to get involved, and that she told Bill some stuff about maenads, and MAYBE IT’S TRUE, MAYBE IT ISN’T. Then the part that the fan girls were dying over, I‘m sure. The Queen says that she thinks Bill is monogamous with Sookie, and Eric says that yes, he is in love with her. The Queen thinks this is gross and stupid, but then again, he WOULD be with HER. (Hmm, mysterious.) Then she says that Eric probably is, too. Eric pauses, looking like he’s trying to swallow the vomit that just came up, and says I DO NOT LOVE HUMANS.

BUUUUT the delusional fan girls will say OMG HE HESITATED BECAUSE HE WAS SURPRISED SHE COULD TELL THE DEPTH OF HIS FEELINGS AFTER ONLY BEING IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES! IT‘S THAT OBVIOUS HOW HE LOVES ONLY SOOKIE, SOOKIE FOREVER, HIS BRIGHT SHINING STAR IN A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS, AND HOW HE IS READY TO GIVE HER HIS EVERYTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. Mark my words. That shit is going to show up somewhere. (Note: At the point that this was written, I have not yet delved into what I am sure is a myriad of insane fan girl ramblings. )

The Queen mentions that Sookie isn’t entirely human (HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THIS SHIT? WAS THERE A MEMO?) and she asks Eric if he’s tasted her. Again with the almost puking face, and he says SADLY NO, and the Queen says OMG DON’T because all she needs is another vampire falling in love. Eric says that Bill does tend to get in trouble, and the Queen goes OH YEAH, HE DOES. She asks him how the hell Bill could know that SHE is having ERIC sell VAMPIRE BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, I have been lenient, but WTF? I have no idea what the hell is going on. WHY would she be having him sell it? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Eric says he doesn’t know HOW he could know, and the Queen is like THIS IS BAD. FOR YOU. Eric leans in really close and says that Bill doesn’t know that SHE is the one supplying it, and then the Queen LAUNCHES herself at Eric and smacks him to the ground and says HE BETTER NOT, OR I CUT YOU.

Then she randomly starts eating his face off, and the ASkars stans turn off their televisions and go start cutting themselves while listening to sad songs. At first, Eric tries to pry her off him, but then, HI, instinct takes over and his fangs pop out, and the Queen goes THERE THEY ARE, HOW PRETTY, and she sort of licks them. STOP WITH THE FANG BUSINESS. IT’S WEIRD. (And why are her fangs so ugly? I mean they are HIDEOUS. Eric’s are actually pretty. So are Bill’s, and even Lorena’s. The Queen’s are FUG, which suits her, actually, so never mind.)

Even as she’s molesting him, she tells him that even though he’s a bad ass, she could have his pretty fangs for earrings if wanted so DON’T FUCK WITH ME. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill personally. TAKE CARE OF? What does that mean? Then Eric tries to eat the Queen’s face off, but that pool boy goes AHEM IT IS YAHTZEE TIME, so the Queen gets up and resumes her seat, and Eric goes FLOP back on the ground, and I don’t know if he’s relieved because ZOMG she could have killed me, or if it’s sadness because he hasn’t gotten laid in forever. I have to think he’s relieved because he didn’t look exactly willing during all of that. THE QUEEN IS A RAPIST. He sits up, hair perfectly in place, and there is this moment of awkward where everyone looks at each other like PRETEND THAT DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN. It is MAGIC. Then Eric rolls again, and the Queen goes YOU SUCK AT THIS.

What happened to the Queen not enjoying sex with men since a long fucking time ago? And why does ERW jerk her head back when she’s putting her fangs in? I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. GTFO MY SHOW.

Ahem.

Back on the Boulevard of Bromance, Andy and Jason are walking up the road discussing their plans for attack, and Jason is telling him that they are the ones who have to save the day. Then he quotes a bunch of movies, and HILARIOUSLY says “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” OH MAN. These two. They walk up on the house, and they see the wedding going on with all the people dancing around the meat tree, dressed like hippies, and playing the bongos, and they go WTF? Andy comments that at least they aren’t naked, and TRU DAT, Andy. Sheriff Bud is apparently singing into a sausage? I’m not sure about that. Jason goes ZOMG THIS IS STACKHOUSE PROPERTY, FOOLS. Andy stops him from running in because HI, they are out numbered. Jason pulls out the guns, and Andy says that he’s never killed anybody before, and Jason says , and Jason says WHO CARES. THIS IS MY FAMILY’S PLACE. They take off all CHARGE…and immediately get captured by the devil zombies. Andy goes first and gets the black eyes, and then OH NOES, Jason gets them, too, and then proceeds to make out with an old lady. WTF?

HANG ON. WHUT? Jason should NOT get the black eyes. He and Sookie have the same parents, so they should have the same immunity. I CRY FOUL AT THIS.

ANYWAY, over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is telling Bill that Arlene’s kids are in his trailer, but Lisa won’t sleep because she’s so worried. Bill says that wouldn’t be a problem if he’d let Bill hypnovamp them, but Sam doesn’t seem so keen on that idea. Bill says HI MAENAD WANTS YOU, Sam goes I KNOW. I WAS THERE. Bill tells Sam that he and SOOKIE, WHO YOU LOVE, need Sam to make things right, and Sam says that who knows if Maryann would stop with him if he gave himself up. KILLERS DON’T JUST STOP OMG, and Bill goes OMFG COWARD. He tells Sam that he has to come with him, and Sam says UHHH, NO. Bill gets right up in his face and says UHHH YES. GO BILL.

Back at the Little White Chapel of Crazy, we see Arlene and the bridesmaids licking that huge egg, and Sookie finally goes WTF IS THAT EGG? DID YOU LAY IT? And instead of being something AWESOME, Maryann reveals that the egg is just a symbol of fertility. BOO BORING. She also says that Sookie has to anoint the egg, which means she has to get a mouthful of blood and lick the egg. She does it, and goes BARF. Outside, Bill is walking up to the party with Sam, and Jason and Andy bust in to tell Maryann that the vessel has arrived! YAY! Sookie sees Jason’s black eyes and goes NOOO, and Jason says SOOKIE SO PRETTY. Maryann goes IT IS TIME, and Sookie spits at her I WILL NOT BE A PART OF SOMETHING SO EVIL. But it looks like she doesn’t have a choice because Maryann threatens to kill Jason, and Sookie immediately changes her mind.

Outside, the wedding has begun, and this was the moment that I realized THIS SHIT IS STUPID. Honestly, the episode could have been saved had they not gone the route of the cheesy wedding. I mean there are people playing violins and shit! Just have it be some ancient ritual and skip all the stupid dresses and stuff. BUT as it is, this is what we have to deal with, so the wedding party comes out, all the bridesmaids throwing flowers, carrying the egg, and Andy is carrying Maryann’s train. HILAROUS.

Bill shouts from the crowd and brings Sam forward, saying that he offers Sam in exchange for Sookie. Of course, Sookie is losing her shit, screaming and fighting as she’s turned over to Bill all OMG SHE WILL KILL HIM! WTF BILL, and Bill just goes THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, so automatically, you know that something fishy is going on here. They take Sam away, and Bill holds onto Sookie, who is PISSED that Bill won’t let her go. She is like WTF BILL YOU SUCK, but Bill says TRUST ME, YO.

Maryann gets all official and starts up the big ritual, looking like a lunatic in her dress and saying DIONYSUS, BACCHUS, BROWNIES, DENTURES, YELLOW FURIOUS and all that, and for the millionth time, incorrect information is given. NONE OF THOSE FUCKS IS THE HORNED GOD. But you know, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if this shit is wrong? The show is insane, so I’ll let them be insane. Anyway, everybody joins in on the chant, and Lafayette puts the bull mask on the meat tree and says “WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES.” Oh, Lafayette. I love you. They put the egg up into the middle of the meat tree, and Maryann tells some crap story about why she’s doing all this. WHO CARES. The crazy violins start up as they bring Sam out tied to a stretcher thing, and they prop him up. Maryann gets all emotional as she brings forth the big ceremonial knife. Sookie is screaming and flailing all SAM USE YOUR GIFT, and DUH, Bill says SOOKIE USE YOURS, which is what she should have done all along!

But it’s too late because Eggs shows up and STABS SAM RIGHT IN THE BELLY. I actually screamed when he did it. SAM! NO! And Sam gurgles and spits, and Eggs takes the knife to Maryann, and she’s like OH BABY BABY and half crying, and she smears the blood all over her neck. Sookie is all NOOO, and she faintly hears Sam’s voice in her head, so she runs over to him, and he tells her to DESTROY…IT…ALL..OF…IT.

Then Sookie goes BATSHIT CRAZY, and she runs over and grabs that huge egg and straight SMASHES that shit on the ground. It’s very gross, and Tara goes ZOMG OUR SACRED EGG. Sookie rips off her crap wreath and says NONE OF THIS IS SACRED. IT’S EVIL! Then she runs over to the meat tree, and she starts to push it down, but only after he palm glows a little is she able to get it pushed over. That’s when Maryann realizes that something fucked up is happening, and she goes HOW DARE YOU BITCH. She starts apologizing to Dionysus, and then…oops, she turns around to the town, and says I WILL SACRIFICE THEM ALL. She does the hippy hippy shake, and this time, it’s that scary one where everybody clutches their ears and their brains start to melt.

Sookie is like WTF NO, and Maryann gets the man voice and says YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON EVERYONE, and then she sinks her hands into the dirt, and yep, when they come up, it’s the CLAWS. NOOO! Sookie realizes this is a good time to run, but as we recall, this didn’t work out so well the first time. Sookie is running like a fool, screaming for Bill, and she trips and falls. Just as Maryann is about to catch her, we hear this roaring, groaning HORRIBLE noise, and Maryann stops and looks up like WTF? WTF indeed because I’m thinking it’s going to be a tiger or a dragon or some shit, but instead…it is a HUGE white bull, and it just comes trotting up the road.

AHAHAHAHAH WHUT?

Maryann is all OMG MY LOVE MY HUSBAND, and she goes over to it, and there’s this moment, where they look at each other under a streetlight, and Maryann reaches out to touch the bull, and she’s crying and ridiculous, and she holds out her arms like TAKE ME IM URS, and the bull DOES take her. He takes his big fucking horn and fucking STABS HER IN THE GUT.

And the world CHEERS.

So she’s gasping and flopping about with a horn through her guts, and then he turns back into NAKED SAM and pulls her heart out. She has this horrible look on her face and goes, “There was no god?” AND THEN HE SQUEEZES HER HEART, SHE TURNS INTO A SKELETON THING, AND DIES.

DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD.

The whole town immediately goes back to normal, and they all look around like WTF because really, WTF do you say to each other at a crazy marriage/sacrifice where you’re all wearing crazy clothes and playing the bongos? All I can say is that every single one of them needs to go get tested for every STD imaginable and get the morning after pill, even the men just in case, because HOLY FUCK. Eggs also notices that HI, he has blood ALL OVER his hands.

Back on Awkward Naked Guy Street, Sookie rushes forward and hugs Sam, and YES, HE IS TOTALLY NAKED. GUH. Sookie is flailing because HE KILLED YOU, but nope, that’s not what happened. Then we see Bill come limping from the woods, and it all becomes clear. Bill healed Sam up after the stabbiness, and that is why he is alive! YAY BILL AND SAM! Fantastic team together. But apparently, Sam had to drink a LOT of Bill’s blood because he’s all weak and trembly, and now OMFG WILL SAM HAVE SEXY SEXY DREAMS ABOUT BILL? PLZ. Anyway, Sookie is like EVERYTHING IS OKAY NOW, and Sam shows back up with pants and a bloody black arm and he says that even if things didn’t work out, he was okay with dying. WHUT?

Jason and Tara come wandering up, and they look at Maryann’s body and go o.O. Tara immediately goes and hugs Sookie, and apparently, she doesn’t remember anything, but Sookie tells her it’s okay. She orders Bill to get rid of Maryann’s body, and she tells Sam and Jason to get everybody the EFF out of her house. Tara then makes some horrible foreshadowing comment about how she has a bad feeling that not all the bad stuff is over yet. THAT WOULD BE A 10-4, GOOD BUDDY.

Over at Hoyt’s House of Humiliation, Maxine is back to herself, and Hoyt is like YAY. She asks what the heck happened, and he tries to tell her, but somewhere in the middle, she realizes that she’s got a vampire bite on her neck. She freaks right the hell out all HOW COULD YOU PICK A VAMPIRE OVER YOUR MOM? Then…oh, man, it’s horrible. Hoyt says that whatever it was that had control over her made her say terrible things about Jessica, him, and about the fact that Hoyt’s dad shot himself, and Maxine gets the UH OH face, which means that is true. Maxine tells him that he’s old enough to know the truth. This is apparently WRONG. She should have kept lying to him because he FREAKS OUT and screams at her, and she cries, and in the end, Hoyt says something very terrible. He says that he wishes Jessica would have finished her off. WTF HOYT. That is SO NOT COOL. So, she lied to you? BIG DEAL. Parents always lie to their kids. It’s their right. After he says the horrible thing, he gets his coat and is OUT, YO.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, Arlene is frantically calling her kids and wondering why they aren’t answering. Poor Arlene. Jason offers to give her and Terry a ride home, but then Jane Bodehouse finds her finger and is all GAH AHH OHH, and Jason grabs her up to take her to the hospital. Sheriff Bud tells Andy that he gets his badge back, and Andy is overjoyed. He promises to never touch another drink, and let’s hope he sticks to it. Sheriff Bud gives us one of the best lines of the episode: “You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on.” Which, Sheriff Bud does not. HA!

Somewhere off by himself, Sam is looking at some deer that’s staring him down that creepy way that deer do, and he’s got tears in his eyes because I guess he’s remembering Daphne. Which is stupid because Daphne willingly chose to be a servant of Maryann, so there’s no tears needing to be shed for that traitorous bitch. Bill shows up to ruin his alone time, and Sam tries to be all manly and wipe the tears away inconspicuously. Bill wants to thank him for trusting him with his life, and Sam is like WHATEVER, SOOKIE IS SAFE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. Then Bill says YOU WANTED IT TOO. And it totally sounds like they are talking about something else entirely. O.O Sam gets all sentimental about how Sookie and the town are family, and it’s his duty to save them. Bill says HEY THANKS for him revealing his secret, and Sam gets all FORESHADOWY and DEEP and says that shit is easier to deal with once you face up to it or something. Basically, it’s a sneaky way of the writers telling us HEY BILL IS HIDING SOMETHING. (PSST. He’s actually a woman.) Bill slinks off, and Sam looks back, but, aww, the deer is gone.

In the house, Eggs is scrubbing his hands but OMG DA BLOOD, and Tara is like HEYYY, but Eggs keeps going on about OMG THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS OMG. He wants his Maryann, but I guess Tara doesn’t know how to tell him that she’s a big black pile of bones and goo in a wedding dress, so she tells him that they’ll start fresh and handle it themselves. But Eggs doesn’t want to hear that. ZOMG THE BLOOD. THE BLOOOOOD. Tara tells him that Sookie helped her remember some of the stuff she forgot, but she wishes that she didn’t, and he probably doesn’t want to remember things either. OMG DA BLOOOODDDD, and he goes back to scrubbing his nails. Things are not going to end well for Eggs. Sookie comes in, and tells her that everybody is gone, and Tara tells her that Bill is upstairs, then Sookie looks at Eggs and goes THE FUCK? Tara just goes I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

THEN Tara apologizing for bringing the crazy into the house, and THANK GOD. All of this really is Tara’s fault if you think about it. Sookie’s house is destroyed, people are dead, the town is in shambles--all because Tara wanted a family? YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ’ TO DO. Then Sookie notices that Creepy Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and she goes OOPS, and Tara says she’ll take care of it while Sookie goes and snuggles with Bill. That is the LEAST she can do.

Sookie goes upstairs to find Bill in the only room that is miraculously not totally destroyed, and she asks Bill how long it is before sunrise. Bill tells her it’s 41 minutes, and Sookie says “Hold me for forty?” My heart totally melts. I know most of you are Bill haters, or if you’re not haters, you’re just more pro-Eric, but I love the Bill and Sookie schmoop. It’s what this show was based on, and we haven’t had it in a while with all the madness going on, so it’s nice to get back to it a bit.

Then the screen goes black, and when it comes back up, we’re at Shithole Bar and Grill, which is back to its pristine crappiness, so I’m guessing it’s been a week or so because NO WAY could they have cleaned up the mess that was that town overnight, but then again, it does seem like it just happened the day before. It’s business as usual, which is really kind of annoying. The town should be completely freaked out, not acting like it never happened, which is what they are doing. I guess it was the Black Eyes because nobody but Sookie and Bill and Sam remember what happened. OY.

THEN AHAHA FUCKING YAY. Charlaine Harris, mother goddess to this whole lovely mess, is sitting at the bar talking to Sam. I LOVE CAMEOS, AND I LOVE HER. AWESOME. Tara is back bartending, and she tells Sam thanks for opening because the town needs a stiff drink after all that shit. Sam is like IT’S COOL. IT’S THE TOWN’S BAR. Tara says BUT IT’S CALLED MERLOTTE’S, and then Sam makes some emo comment about how that doesn’t say anything about him. WHUT?

Over at a booth, Arlene is with her kids, and there is SO MUCH food on the table, and Lisa says that they forgive her, which breaks Arlene’s heart a little because, as she says, they shouldn’t even know what that word means. It’s a very sweet scene, actually, how the kids are forgiving, and Coby tells her that it’s okay because Sam took care of them and took them to see a flying vampire! Terry comes over and gives them some toy ray guns, and Lisa is NOT impressed by this, but he’s very cute, telling them that they look after her at home and he’ll look after her at work so she is looked after. Then as Arlene goes back to work, Coby asks if she saw Rene while she was away, and Arlene goes AHAH NO HE’S STILL ON VACATION. Once she’s gone, Lisa goes, “Yep, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.” Coby says, “Yep.” AND I AM CHARMED BY THOSE HIDEOUS CHILDREN.

Now we see our favorite gossip mongers in the booth beside them talking about how everyone is saying it was a gas leak, but one of them thinks it was aliens (because Maryann Forrester rhymes with Martian Foreigner), and the other things it was government experiments with stuff in the water, and that’s why she only drinks. Mt. Dew. OH, MT. DEW, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD. Sam comes over and tells them that it was ACTUALLY a bad batch of vodka, so Mt. Dew is the smart way to go. I certainly hope this show got paid a lot of money to promote their drink. As Sam walks away, one of the gossip girls (HO HO) says, “God bless whoever made those jeans. I swear, I’d wear him like a scrunchie.” AHAHAHAHAHA.

Lafayette is all his fabulous self again, and he catches Sookie as she walks by, and tells her that he feels sorry for her because she’s the only one who knows what happens and ZOMG he does NOT want to know. TRU DAT. Jane Bodehouse, who wants the jambalaya, is telling everyone that she has no idea how her finger got cut off, but she thinks it was an alligator that must have got her while she was sunbathing. Team Bromance is sitting at the next table, and Andy is OUTRAGED by this because he knows what happened, and when she’s done talking he says, “Wasn’t no gator, and you weren’t down by the lake. I saw you pull that finger out a giant statue of meat, just like I saw you getting it from behind from Mike Spencer.” Jane and her tablemates just go AHAHAH DRUNK. Andy holds up his drink and says IT’S DIET COKE WITH LIME.

Andy is very upset that nobody can remember what happened because they can’t face up to it. Jason tries to console him by saying that they totally saved everybody, even if nobody can remember, so that makes them heroes. Andy feels as though it doesn’t count, because nobody can remember anything but Jason says OF COURSE IT COUNTS. They set out to save the town from Maryann, Maryann is gone, so YAY THEY DID IT. Jason says the whole point of being a hero is to do something bigger than yourself, and they don’t need glory or girls because they are bigger men than that. YUP. Oh, man, they are the BEST.

Back in the back, Sookie is filling up some mustard, and Sam comes up and asks if she can manage without him for a few days because HI, he needs a break. Sookie says she doesn’t have the words to thank him, but Sam says STFU because he doesn’t want anybody knowing his secret. Sookie hugs him and tells him she wishes everybody knew how special he is, but they are interrupted by the most cheerful person I have ever seen, who is bringing Sookie a special delivery. Sam leaves her alone to open it, and Sookie goes out back to sit down with her present. There is a very fancy card, and inside, there is a note from Bill saying how he has owed her a night out for a LONG time, and now she is going to get it, complete with a pretty purple dress. AWWW, ROMANCE. Or, is it guilt? Hmm.

Just then, Eggs shows up and he looks TERRIBLE. He’s still freaking out, and he wants Sookie to help him remember the stuff that happened during the blackouts. He has to know what he did, and Sookie is very reluctant to help, but Eggs goes OMG DA BLOOOOD, so Sookie gives in, even though she warns him that what she finds might be gross. He’s just a crying mess, and it’s actually really sad. So, Sookie puts her hands on Eggs, and she tells him to open his mind and let her in. Sookie tries to work her magic, and Eggs is remembering riding in a car with Maryann, laughing and having a great time, and then it goes black. Sookie tells him to try harder, and when he does, we see Miss Jeanette, and then Maryann says that she’s a vessel to another world or something, and OH NOES, we watch Eggs kill her and rip out her heart! And it’s GROSS.

Sookie pulls away, but it’s too late because now Eggs remembers everything. He remembers killing Daphne, and he remembers stabbing Sam, and OMG DA BLOOOOOD and he runs away. Sookie chases him and tries to tell him that it wasn’t him, it wasn’t his free will. Eggs will not be consoled. IT WAS MY HANDS THAT DID IT OMG DA BLOOOD. Sookie tries her best, but it’s no use. He runs away in his hoodie, and that is that.

Sometime later, at the Old Compton Place, we see Jessica coming down the steps, and Bill catches her as she’s leaving, and he’s wearing a tuxedo, and PHWOAR. He tells Jessica she looks pretty, and this whole scene is totally sweet with him being nice to her, which is rare. He’s totally a dork. He asks her if she’s going to see Hoyt, and she immediately says OMG YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOOKIE SO WHAT, but then Bill says CALM DOWN, YO. HAVE FUN. He mentions that gentlemen called on the lady in his day, but oh, times have changed. He also notes that his living room is Maxine free, and Jessica tells him that she went home, and he hopes she is okay. Just as Bill is trying to leave, Jessica reaches out and tells him that she and Hoyt had a fight. AWWWW, BONDING. She tells him she was going over to apologize, and Bill says that Hoyt would be a fool not to accept. He tells her that he and Sookie are going to a French restaurant, and she says BE HOME BY FIVE HA HA, and he says YOU BE HOME BY FOUR.

Then we see Sam ringing some random doorbell, and when the door opens, HOLY CRAP! IT’S SAM’S ADOPTED MOM. AND SHE IS WAY OLD. They go into the house, and Sam notes that they don’t have any pictures of him. Mom says that it would be hard to explain since they never had any kids, and Sam is like WHATEVER. She starts trying to apologize, but Sam isn’t there for apologies. He’s not interested in assuaging her guilt. What is there for is to find out about his real parents, and Mom goes SORRY NO. CAN’T SAY. Then this little baby monitor thing goes off, and the Mom goes GULP. WTF? Are aliens coming or something? Sam goes back into this bedroom, and laying on a hospital bed with tubes and machines and shit is his old adopted dad, who is obviously dying a horrible death. He’s writing something on a paper that he hands to Sam, and it’s got the names of his real parents along with I’M SORRY. Oy, this part got me in the guts. I mean, UMPH. Poor Sam, but YAY NEW STORYLINE.

Incidentally, Sam’s parents’ names are Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens, and they last lived in Magnolia, Arkansas. OH NOES, SAM IS A MOUNTAIN PERSON.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Hoyt has put on his Sunday best, and he’s got flowers, and he’s knocking on the door looking for Jessica. How cute! She went to him to apologize, and he went to her! It’s so sweet, and…wait a tick. What is this truck stop business? WHAT THE HELL, JESSICA? She’s in the cab of a truck making out with some truck driver, and the truck driver pulls out a condom, and she says, TEE HEE WAIT I’M A VIRGIN. Truck Driver goes S’OKAY I BE GENTLE AND I LIKE IT. Gross. Jessica then gets crazy eyes and says WELL I DON’T, then she TOTALLY BITES HIS NECK LIKE A BEAST! O.O Whoa, Jess. What the? Hoyt is unaware of this, of course, so he leaves the flowers on the doorstep and slinks away, defeated and heartbroken.

Meanwhile, over at Café du Corny, Sookie finds out that Bill actually rented out the whole restaurant OMG SWOON, and she asks him what he’s going to do while she eats. Bill says WE CAN DANCE. This terrible country song starts up, and these two dorks start dancing like loons in the restaurant. OY CHEESY. Yes, it’s lame and stupid, and why would they play that music in a French restaurant? BUT I DON’T CARE. It’s a sweet moment, and randomly, it is SO obvious that AP and SMoyer are totally in love. SO CUTE.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, in an eerie similarity to last year’s finale, Andy is walking out to his car, and I swear he starts to check the backseat for a dead body when suddenly HOLY CRAP. Eggs is behind him WITH THE HUGE BLOOD-STAINED CEREMONIAL KNIFE. He’s all freaking out and saying DA BLOOOOODD, and that he is the murderer and that he did it and ZOMG ARREST ME. Andy realizes then that he doesn’t have his gun. UH OHS. Andy asks him to put the knife down, and Eggs goes OMFG THIS IS THE MURDER WEAPON. Andy tells him that he was under Maryann’s spell, that it wasn’t him, but again, Eggs has had his brains scrambled (OH, PUN. I suck, I know.) He is crazy, and I DID IT. IT WAS ME. THEY WERE INNOCENT. Andy tries to take the knife, but Eggs pulls out some ninja moves and pushes Andy to the ground. He puts the knife RIGHT UP AGAINST Andy’s eye and says I SAW THEIR EYES AS I KILLED THEM. I have an eye phobia, so I was VERY uncomfortable with this, and I was SO SO afraid Andy was going to get killed.

Instead, the back of Eggs’ head gets blown off just as I think he’s about to kill Andy, and Eggs goes THUD against the ground. I ACTUALLY GASPED. Turns out, it was JASON, who is an incredible shot because WHOA, and he is now totally freaked out because OMG I KILLED HIM. Andy gets up and is like SHIT. And Jason is like SHIT. And we are like SHIT. Andy demands the gun, and he quickly starts wiping off Jason‘s prints. He tells Jason that he didn’t see anything, and he wasn’t there, and to GTFO LIKE NOW. Jason runs away in terror. TEAM BROMANCE FTW. Breaking the law, and cracking eggs. BWUAHAHA. I KNOW, I KNOW. I SUCK.

Just then Arlene comes running out all WHAT HAPPENED, and Andy announces to everyone that Eggs confessed, and that he came after him with a knife, so he had to shoot him. Tara comes out, too, and oh, man. This made me totally sad. She sees dead Eggs, and she collapses beside him all NO NO NO. It’s really awful. But honestly, Tara, did you think you’d get to keep him? That’s not how it works. I’m glad Eggs is gone, but sad for Tara because now she’s going to get all promiscuous and end up with crappy abusive vampire Franklin Mott. I MEAN…IGNORE ALL OF THAT. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. HA HA HA.

Back at Café du Cliffhanger, Sookie is gushing about how GREAT the food is, and she’s finishing up her dessert, and Bill tells her that he has another gift for her. So, raise your hands…who saw this coming? Bill pulls out some plane tickets, and Sookie looks at them and says WHERE IS BURLINGTON. This is when I screamed IT’S IN VERMONT because I have been to Burlington, and then I screamed OMG BECAUSE THEY CAN GET MARRIED THERE. Then Bill whips out the little ring box, and Sookie just stares at it like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

Bill is like I LOVE YOU, YO. MARRY ME AND SHIT. Sookie starts crying and says that she’s been dreaming of that day since she was little, and her dreams, she always says yes. SO WHY CAN’T SHE SAY YES? Bill looks horrified, and I am horrified because THIS IS AWFUL. Bill picked absolutely the WORST time to propose, even though I feel as though his actions were genuine, and perhaps motivated by Sam’s little speech about guilt, but WHAT THE FUCK. Sookie starts blubbering and saying how her life is insane, so much has happened, and she doesn’t even know if she’s human OMG! Bill actually echoes my sentiments when he goes WHUT? Sookie keeps going on about how she might be a freak, and she’s only met one person like her and who knows where the hell Barry is, and OMG I WILL GET OLD AND UGLY AND YOU WILL STILL BE HOT. Bill speaks up and says he doesn’t care, that he wants her just like she is, but yeah, not helping. SOOKIE IS NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS!!

Then Bill looks as though he has been punched and says, “Are you saying no?” Sookie practically screams at him NO BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING. Then she runs off to the bathroom to clean herself up. OMG THE DRAMA. THIS SHOW HAZ IT. In the bathroom, Sookie is looking in the mirror, then she looks at the ring, then she looks at herself, and IT IS A LOOKING PARTY OF LOOKING LOOKS. But even as she is crying, the Bookie love theme is playing louder and louder, and she puts on the ring, and she gets this cheesy look on her face and this moment of realization that YES, YES, YES I WILL MARRY HIM.

TOO LATE, SOOKIE. For out in the restaurant, Bill is sitting there all LA LA LA, waiting for Sookie to come back and probably break his heart, when OH NOES! SOME BLACK GLOVED HANDS GET A SILVER CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK AND DRAG HIM AWAY! DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH.

Sookis is putting on some touch up lipstick, and she comes running out of the bathroom going YES, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU, but then she notices that Bill is GONE. The table is trashed, the door is wide open, and Sookie goes O.O and says, “Bill?”

CREDITS.

PHWOAR.


SO. This episode, like the whole season, had problems. Yes, a lot of problems. But really, I loved it. Season finales are never good. They are annoying and cliché, and they leave us with terrible cliffhangers, and this episode had all those things. BUT I LIKED IT.

To combat some of the things I saw last night, NO THIS EPISODE DID NOT NEED MOAR ERIC. Eric is a minor character in the books, and he’s actually a minor character on the show if you think about it. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND RUIN BILL AND SOOKIE’S NIGHT. HE WAS NOT NEEDED. They did right in this episode and only had him a little bit as not to take away with the wrapping up of the storyline and moving into the new one. ERIC IS NOT ESSENTIAL TO EVERYTHING.

That being said, ending with Bill getting kidnapped…yes, it totally changes the dynamic of the third season in comparison to the book. They part on different terms, and yes, Bill gets kidnapped, but it’s not quite this same way.

STOP HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS.
Why was the person wearing gloves? To not get burned by the chain and to not show that she has pretty feminine fingernails. IT WAS NOT ERIC. At least, I don’t think it was. Eric would have just walked up in that bitch and been like YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. He wouldn’t have had to overpower him with silver at all. Lorena probably doesn’t have to either, being his maker, but it was much more dramatic, and Bill wouldn’t have been able to fight and make a ruckus. It’s likely that Eric called Lorena and told her where they were, but no, it was totally NOT Eric who kidnapped him.

Why didn’t Bill hear his attacker? It was a vampire, that’s why, and guess what, he was sleeping and Lorena was sitting on his bed like a CREEPER and he didn’t notice her until he woke up. Makers can sense their children, but children cannot sense their makers. This has already been proven. People have made the comment OH HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ERIC. Again, I say, Eric would not have snuck up on him. NOT ERIC.

LOVED that we got back to Our Gal Sook. LOVED IT. There were some really fantastic moments in this episode for a lot of characters. Overall, the season was good. Probably a seven for me, and I still liked the first season better. MUCH better. But we’re moving into probably one of the best books in the series with season three, so we’ll see what happens.

I’ll have a longer, more in depth round-up of the whole season, but for now, I will say I LOVE THIS SHOW, EVEN IF IT IS CRAP. HATERS TO THE LEFT. :D