Sorcery and Sudden Vengeance

Recap: True Blood Season 3 "Bad Blood" aka WAIT, WHAT?

2010-06-16T20:24:00.001-04:00

HERE IT IS, Y'ALL. The first recap of the season. PHEW, I forgot how hard these things are to write, but I'm definitely glad the show is back on.

Like I said, I wasn't over the moon (LOL WEREWOLF PUN) about this premiere, but it was still pretty good. I have to give them one episode of slack before I start tearing the show a new one. So, enjoy this recap, and I hope you will stick around for the rest of the season, as I'll be doing my best to get them all done in a timely fashion.

LINKAGE
My True Blood Recap Glossary, for words and phrases you might not understand
ALL of my recaps, including the first seven eps of season 1 and all of season 2.
Vlogtasia, my weekly-ish vlog about True Blood, posted after the show airs on Sunday night.

Please remember that my recaps contain spoilers (OBVS) and BOOK SPOILERS.

True Blood
Season 3, Episode 1
"Bad Blood"

Previously on True Blood...

LIKE SRSLY? If you need a season two recap, GTFO.

So, we pick back up right after Season 2 ended, and Sookie, as usual, is running out of somewhere, flailing like a flailing thing, and this time it's Cafe du Corny and she's yelling BILL? BILL!?! The restaurant lady runs out after her and is all WTF, except she's French so it's WAT ZE FOOK? and Sookie explains that her boyfriend is gone! French lady goes KEEDNAPPEENG?? Then she says FUCKING VAMPIRES. IT'S ALWAYS NOTHING BUT SHIT and goes back into the restaurant. That lady is my new favorite person EVER.

Then somewhere else, we see Sam driving around with that paper that the old dying Mr. Merlotte gave him with his real parents' names on it. And then somewhere ELSE we see Jason running into his house, completely freaked out because, well, you know, he did totally just kill someone. He tries to drink a beer to calm down, but apparently that is a FLASHBACK BEER, and he sees himself making SCRAMBLED EGGS, and he FREAKS OUT and punishes a lamp by throwing that beer right at it. Then he's all AHHHHH and sits in his fridge. o.O

Outside of Shithole Bar and Grill, Eggs is still very dead, and Tara is holding his hand because COPS LET YOU DO THAT, and Bud covers him up, but it's no good because OMG DA BLOOOOD soaks right through the sheet, and Tara is like SOBBING, and Lafayette comes out and puts a coat on her and hugs her. Aww.

Then at the Old Compton Place, Jessica finds the flowers that Hoyt left for her, and she's all AWWW FLOWERS, but then she remembers, HI THERE IS A DYING GUY ON THE PORCH, and she drags said dying guy, presumably that gross trucker, into the house!

THEN we see what happened to Bill, and after we go HEY WAIT THIS ISN'T IN THE BOOKS, we remember that we promised everyone we wouldn't worry about the books so much, so we go O HAI BILL. It seems he was KEEDNAPPED by some gross guys, and they see that Sookie is calling Bill's phone and they're like YUM HOT NUMBER, and Bill is like I WILL TELL YOU NOTHING, and they throw his phone out the window! Bill asks them who they are, and the leader guy is all HOW 'BOUT YOU CALL US THE FUCK YOU CREW? And then HE STABS BILL WITH A KNIFE!

Credits. AHHHH!

After the credits, we are back at Cafe du Corny, and French lady is smoking a cigarette all blase like, and Kenya OH SORRY DEPUTY BITCHPANTS is asking Sookie some questions, and says HE PROPOSED AND YOU SAID WHAT, and Sookie explains that she needed a minute, and Kenya and French lady go UH HUH. French lady puts out her cigarette, and Sookie says WTF TRAMPLING ON EVIDENCE, and to myself, I go HA HA CSI BON TEMPS. (A lot of people think that ALL police departments can collect evidence and actually do something with it, but the truth is that most of them can't. So unless you live in a big city, save yourself the trouble of getting laughed at and don't ask them to take fingerprints if somewhere steals your mailbox.)

Anyway, Sookie is all WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, and she is trying her hardest to get out her Cape, and Deputy Bitchpants keeps right on bitching and asking Sookie questions, and Sookie is like OMFG WHO CARES? THE BASTARDS ARE GETTING AWAY. And Deputy Bitchpants says the thing that we are all sort of thinking...WHAT IF THERE ARE NO BASTARDS? WHAT IF BILL JUST GOT PISSED AND LEFT? Sookie counters with the fact that the tables and stuff were turned over, and those are signs of a struggle, and Deputy Bitchpants counters back with it is the sign of a man who lost his temper...with good reason. HAHAHA. Anyway, Sookie tries to charm her and asks her to PLZ file a missing person's report, but Deputy Bitchpants says 48 HOURS, THAT'S THE RULE, DO YOU WANT A RIDE OR NOT. So Sookie has to swallow her pride, and her cape, and get in the car. (Also, that is SUCH a lie. There is no required waiting period to file a missing person's report. NONE.)

Inside Shithole Bar and Grill, Andy is watching Bud question Arlene, and he is mighty nervous. With good reason since we obviously know that HE is the one who made SCRAMBLED EGGS and NOT Jason. Arlene is just going on and on about what she saw, and in the background, Lafayette is funneling liquor into Tara, which ALWAYS produces GREAT results. But then suddenly, Terry comes over and sits down with Andy, and he's all YOUR FIRST KILL...IT'S TOUGH. BUT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE OF GOODNESS AND STUFF, and we go OMG WTF AHAHAHA because the whole thing is really sweet and REALLY weird. They start this huge man love scenario, and in the end, they decide to tell each other that they love each other more often. That's when Bud interrupts and tells Andy that he needs his statement, and then this is where things get REALLY weird.

Arlene is telling Bud how she's sorry that she wasn't more cooperative when Rene was totally a murderer because she totally respects law enforcement, and where would we be as a society without law enforcement, and just as I was like YOU TELL IT because I work in law enforcement, Tara jumps up and is all WTF ARLENE? THIS ISN'T A BEAUTY PAGEANT. And everybody goes O.O, and Lafayette goes AWWW SHIIIT, and Tara starts railing about how THE ONLY MAN SHE EVER LOVED after a few days of knowing him WAS JUST ZIPPED UP IN A BAG OMG AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO PRETEND YOU GIVE A FUCK. Then Arlene is super cute and says I GIVE A FUCK all sweet-like, but Tara FREAKS OUT and is all TRASH IS AS TRASH DOES, and then we don't even have time to go WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN because Arlene delivers the first great one-liner of the new season.

"I'm sorry you feel in love with a serial killer, all right, but honestly, who here hasn't?"

BRB LOLING FOREVER.

But Tara does not think it's funny. She FLIPS OUT again and is all EGGS WASN'T NO KILLER, and Andy points out that HI he confessed, which really doesn't mean anything, but we know that he WAS a killer, even if he didn't know he was killing anybody. Tara doesn't want to hear that, and she's all HE WASN'T RESPONSIBLE, and then Arlene makes the whole thing much, much worse by saying OH WHY? BECAUSE OF SOCIETY? BECAUSE OF SLAVERY? And as we are all cringing because OMFG DID THEY GO THERE, they totally went there, and Tara is all OMFG REDNECK WTF. Lafayette puts an end to this hot mess by saying that he's taking Tara over to Sookie's AND they are stealing a bottle of tequila but he's sure that doesn't surprise anybody, and they leave. Then Arlene digs that hole a little bit deeper by saying I HATE WHEN THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT RACE. Ouch.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has Dying Guy on the steps, and he is busy, um, dying, and she's all NO, YOU STAY WITH ME. YOU STAY WITH ME. Dying Guy says HOS...PI...TAL, and Jessica says YEAH NO, then Dying Guy says FUCK...ING...WHORE, and Jessica AGREES WTF. FEMINISM FAIL. (And really, why didn't she just leave the guy in his truck or on the side of the road or something? OH BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY BILL IS THE WORST MAKER EVER BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TEACH HER HOW TO DISPOSE OF A BODY!) Then shit gets really real because Jessica sees headlights pulling up, and she's all EEP!

Sookie busts into the place yelling for Bill, and she finds Jessica leaning up against the door to the dirt bedroom with blood all over her face, and Sookie is like...UH, IS BILL HERE, and Jessica says no, and Sookie asks her if she's okay, and Jessica is like OH, YEAH. I'M TOTES FINE. Then she corrects by saying that she's been crying because of Hoyt, and I guess Sookie buys that, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed that her dress is all torn and her upper lady parts are all hanging out, but whatever. Sookie is PREOCCUPIED, Y'ALL.

Anyway, Sookie drops the KEEDNAPPEENG bomb, and Jessica is all OMG. Then Sookie says how Bill proposed, and Jessica is like O.M.G, and Sookie stops to say how she didn't say yes or anything yet, and Jessica is like YOU REJECTED HIM, and Sookie goes OMFG IT IS NOT LIKE THAT. She tells Jessica to call her if Bill comes home, even if Bill uses the Maker's Mark and tells her not to, and Jessica is like UM, UHH, and Sookie is like JUST DO IT, and then leaves. As if Jessica wasn't already dealing with enough, she opens the door to dirt bedroom, and is all HEY, DYING GUY, LET'S GET BETTER NOW, K? But Dying Guy is no longer Dying Guy. He is Dead Guy, and Jessica is like FML. She does do a bit of fast thinking and decides to bite her wrist and give him some blood to turn him instead of letting him die, and that is pretty smart, except we all know it's not going to work.

Then we're back in the Homoeroticism Wagon, and the KEEDNAPPERS are all DRINKING BILL'S BLOOD AHHH! And Bill is ilke UGGGHHH, but they are all OHMYGIDDYGOD THIS IS AWESOME and feeling themselves up and stuff. Then there is this really random moment where the guy in the front seat is complaining because he hasn't had any, but he can't really reach Bill, so Leader Guy tells Other Guy to spit some blood into Front Seat Guy's mouth. And Other Guy goes...THAT'S GAY. And the Leader Guy says OH AND PLAYING WITH YOUR OWN TITTIES IN A CAR FULL OF DUDES AIN'T? Other Guy is like TOUCHE, and sucks some of Bill's blood and totally spits it into the guy in the front seat's mouth. It is TOTES GROSS and yet hilarious, and Bill is sitting there going OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A BUNCH OF GAY BIKERS.

No, seriously, Bill tells them that if they had orders not to kill him, they're about to disobey because they are draining him way too fast, and Leader Guy is taking off his leather gloves because he's got blood on them, and Bill starts looking at his hand all O.O, but we can't see it because it's off screen, and we go OMG NOT FAIR!

Back at Jason's Former House of Love, Jason is trying to clean up the lamp he murdered--OH WAIT, THAT WAS EGGS--and Andy comes in and scares him. He tells Jason that he parked around back and snuck through his window. Yeah...creepy. But anyway, another great scene from Team Bromance starts up, and Jason asks how Tara is. Andy tells him that Tara is a fucking mess, and Jason is like UGH, and Andy says DON'T YOU FREAK OUT ON ME. He says they have to keep their story straight because it has holes in it. Like, for example, how the gun that killed Eggs was fired from OVER 20 FEET AWAY OMG. So, this makes Jason freak out even MORE, and he says that they should just go tell Bud everything, but Andy is like WE WILL GO TO JAIL, and Jason knows that he is way too pretty to go to jail.

Andy says that he needs to man up and just deal with it. He says that Bud is a good man, but he's old, so he's starting to suck at police work, so they are going to get through it if they just act normal. And Jason brings up a good point that he doesn't even know what normal is anymore, and Andy brings up another good point that normal for Jason is chasing women. And Jason is like BUT I WANT TO BE NEW JASON, and Andy tells him after they get away with murdering a guy, he can be New Jason, but for now, he is Old Jason, and that means CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON, AND EVERYTHING'S GUN BE ALL RIGHT.

Let me just say that again: CONSCIENCE OFF, DICK ON.

BRB LOLING FOREVER AGAIN.

Jason is like FINE, and Andy gets up and says SAY IT WITH ME, and says CONSCIENCE OFF, and Jason repeats after him, and Andy says DICK WHAT? And Jason says DICK ON. AND EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

Ladies and gents, we have a new motto for life.

In another stunningly bad move, Sookie goes all the way to Fangtasia because OBVIOUSLY Eric is behind this except there is no evidence that Eric is behind it. Sookie walks right in, and Pam, in one of her worst outfits yet is all, HEEYYYYY, and Sookie says I'M IN NO MOOD FOR LESBIAN WEIRDNESS TONIGHT, PAM. She asks where Bill is, and Pam is like WHO? Then she asks where Eric is, and Pam is like UM...BUSY, and Sookie is like WAT and immediately heads for...the basement? Pam follows her and is all SOOKIE, STOP. DON'T. COME BACK in her most hilarious voice, and then...

Then I'm not sure how this scene was supposed to play, but to me, it was not sexytimes at all. We hear some girl going OH OH OH OH OH, and we see Eric banging said girl, and said girl is all tied up and sort of suspended in the air, and...yeah, he's using the blurry blurness to do said banging and he doesn't even look like he's having a good time and...I don't know. It's just...yuck. It's a bit disturbing to me that not a week or so ago, there were dead guys and shit buckets in that basement, and now Eric is banging some girl down there? In any case, the scene is only saved by us getting a random shot of NAKED ERIC ASS, and you have to remember that the whole time he is talking to Sookie...HE IS TOTALLY NAKED.

Anyway, Eric manparts give the most awkward introduction ever between Sookie and said girl, who is Yvetta, and Sookie is like HI WHATEVER. Eric's manparts walk over to Sookie and ask her what she's doing there, and Sookie is all BILL IS MISSING, AND I THINK YOU DID IT. Eric's manparts say I DIDN'T. NEXT. Sookie asks him where he was around 11 o'clock, and Eric's manparts say that he was there with Yvetta. And Sookie is like YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SIX HOURS? And Eric's manparts say WHAT? IS BILL'S STAMINA NOT UP TO SNUFF? And I know Sookie loves Bill, but you have to assume that she was thinking PHWOAR at this point, at least a little bit.

But getting back to the matter at hand, Sookie randomly asks where she can find Lorena because if Eric didn't do it, then Lorena TOTES did. Eric's manparts say that he should probably deal with Lorena after how Sookie's last meeting went with her, and Sookie is all HOW DO I KNOW YOU WILL, and Eric's manparts say that since he is sheriff, he is duty-bound to find Bill or whatever, even if Bill has something he wants. Then he eye-loves all over Sookie, and we go PHWOAR, and Sookie goes AWKWARD K BAI, and she stomps up the steps and says OH, BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME TEN GRAND. And Eric's manparts are sad to see her go.

Then back in the Homoerotic Wagon, Front Seat Guy is now Roof Guy, and he is like WOOO YEAAAHHH V IS AWESOME. Driver Guy is like STOP IT OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSEF...and then Bill is all UP IN HIS GRILL and Bill says...KILLED. THEN BILL TOTALLY KILLS THE DRIVER AND YANKS THE WHEEL, AND THE CAR GOES FLYING OFF THE ROAD AND OMFG BILL, WHAT A BAMF.

Though some people have brought up UM HI HE WAS JUST DYING, but it's possible that either a) he was faking or b) even when he's dying, Bill is still a BAMF. In any case, he crawls his way out of that totally destroyed car, and I'm not sure why HE'S wearing gloves, but whatever. That's when we realize that OMG THEY FIXED THAT HORRIBLE MAKE UP PROBLEM, and even covered with blood and guts, BILL IS HOT AGAIN YAY! Anyway, he gets out of the wreckage, and he walks away LIKE A BOSS. But before he does, he does this weird JESSICUH, and at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up all AHHHH O.O AHHHH, so this is like...Vampire Phone? Not sure, but Jessica is laying in the dirt bedroom beside Dead Guy, so she's got other things on her mind.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, which apparently still looks like hell and nobody seems to mind, Lafayette has apparently drugged Tara up with some tequila and klonopin, and Tara is like YEAAAH, I GUESSS I FEEEEL BETTTERRRR, and Sookie walks in, and she's like TARA? TARA? WHAT'S THE MATTER? And she goes over and tries to heal Tara's pain with a hug, and Tara starts crying again, and they tell Sookie that Eggs got scrambled, and Sookie is like OH FUCK I SHOWED HIM HE WAS A MURDERER. And Tara is like OH FUCK, I KILL YOU NOW, and she starts choking Sookie!! And after Lafayette recovers from the shock of what the hell is happening, he gets up and gets Tara off of Sookie, and is like HELLO THIS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. And Sookie is like BILL IS GONE TOO, HELLO, and Tara is like WHATEVER, FUCK ALL, Y'ALL and leaves. GAH!

Over in the Basement of Sexual Sadism, Eric is storming around, wearing a silky red robe and talking into a Bluetooth headset, and he's telling some guy HI I TOLD YOU TO GET ME BILL COMPTON. And the guy is like B-B-BUT MISTAH NORTHMAN, SOMEBODY DONE GOT HIM ALREADY, and then Eric COMPLETELY LOSES HIS SHIT, and I swear, I thought the headset was going to shatter into a million pieces from the FORCE OF HIS WRATH. And Pam is like UH, ERIC, WHOA. She tells him that he is LOSING IT, and Eric is like THANK YOU, LADY OBVIOUS. Pam tells him to call the Queen, and Eric is like HI WORST IDEA EVER because Bill is the only vampire who knows that Eric is selling blood for the queen, and if he suddenly goes missing, what is the Queen going to think? And Pam is like BETTER YOU THAN SOMEONE ELSE, and Eric is like HMM, but then he tells Pam to GTFO, and Pam is like UGH, FINE!

Now all the way in Whitetrashfamily, Arkansas, Sam is some shitty motel room, and he's looking for the Mickens family in the phonebook, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He's like WTF, and a voice from the other side says IT'S BILL COMPTON, YO. WTF? Bill? Sam opens the door, and it is, indeed, Bill, but he's all...clean? And Bill tells Sam that he could find him because he drank like a BUNCH of his blood. So, Sam invites him in, and Bill asks him if he can take a shower, and Sam is like OF COURSE, and then Bill says he needs a shirt, and Sam is like I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT...BUT YOU CAN HAVE THE ONE OFF MY BACK.

WAIT, WAT?

And then it gets all SEXY and we're like WAAAAAAAAAAAAT, and then they are standing there all CLOSE and SHIRTLESS, and BILL IS LIKE OOOH YOU LOOK NICE, and SAM IS LIKE THANKS, and Bill is like I'LL TAKE THAT SHOWER NOW...UNLESS YOU'D CARE TO JOIN ME..and Sam is like YEAAAAH, I THINK I WOULDand we are like WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN, and Bill says I HEAR THE WATER IN ARKANSAS IS...VERY HARD. AND THEN THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER AND THEY ALMOST KISS.

And then SAM WAKES UP.

AND EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXPLODES.

I need a minute here. Phew.

So, yes, Sam's phone ringing is what woke him up, and he tells the lady who is calling from the Chamber of Commerce that he is SO glad that she woke him up. She tells him that she doesn't have any listings for Mickens in the town, but then she gives him secret inside info, that they were last evicted from some house, and OH THEY HAVE A SON, AND HIS NAME IS TOMMY, AND HE WORKS AT THIS CAR FIXING PLACE. And Sam is like KTHNXBAI after he has a little trauma face.

Back in Bone Temps...I mean, Bon Temps, Jason and Hoyt are working on the road crew, and Hoyt is telling Jason how betrayed he feels that his mom lied to him all those years about his dad. Then Jason has this really emo moment where he's like IF YOU WANT TO DESTROY SOMEONE'S LIFE, TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Then he asks Hoyt if he can steal some black eyeliner from his mom and tells him he has to go to Wal-Mart to buy a My Chemical Romance CD.

Oh, and Jason is wearing a hat with a panther on it. LOL SYMBOLISM. Also, Hoyt asks if he can stay with Jason. YAY ROOMMATES!

Then we see Lettie Mae pulling up to Lafayette's House of Blues, and Lafayette is on his way out to work. Lafayette tells her not to leave Tara alone because she is super crazysauce, but Tara was asking for her mom, so that's why he called her. Lettie Mae starts going on with OH THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING MY DAUGHTER BACK, and Lafayette is like SHUT IT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. Lettie Mae is all OH SORRY I SHOT A GUN AT YOU, and Lafayette flat tells her "Bitch, You and Me Bridge ain't never gun motherfuckin' happen." GOD I LOVE LAFAYETTE.

Over at Mayberry PD, Sookie is telling Bud about what happened, and Bud brings up that Sookie was a bit of a bitch right back at Deputy Bitchpants. Sookie is all THE PERSON I WOULD BE ENGAGED TO IF I HAD A CHANCE TO SAY YES HAS BEEN KEEDNAPPED. Except HI YOU DID HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY YES, AND YOU CRIED AND FLAILED INSTEAD. But anyway. Bud makes the mistake of saying that a Missing Person's Report isn't even needed because VAMPIRES AREN'T EVEN PEOPLE. FINALLY, Sookie has some space to spread her Cape, and OH HOW SHE SPREADS IT. Sookie says DON'T MAKE ME FORGET TO RESPECT MY ELDERS. BILL IS YOUR ELDER, SO RESPECK!

Bud is like -_-, but Sookie just keeps right on flapping about how she needs help finding Lorena, but Bud tells her that he's got DEAD HUMAN BODIES piling up, and the town is in a bit of a wreck, so he does have a point. But Sookie is like WTF I LOVE BILL LIKE YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND GRANDBABIES. Then she gives one last might flap of her Cape and she is OUT, YO. The most important part of this scene is that we see now that Sookie BADLY needs a dye job. HER HAIR IS BLACK UNDERNEATH. BLACK.

Back in Whatthefuckery, Arkansas, Sam is pulling up to this car-fixing place, and there is a guy working on a car who has TOMMY written on his shirt. But this guy was LJ on "Prison Break," so he's not Tommy to me. He's LJ. Anyway, Sam pulls up to talk to TommyLJ, and TommyLJ is like NO, I'M NOT THAT GUY. I'M SOME OTHER TOMMY WHO WORKS HERE. THAT TOMMY MICKENS IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT ME. Sam obviously doesn't buy this load of crap, so he makes some random remark about coming back to buy tires, and TommyLJ is like I'LL GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL, UNLIKE THAT TOMMY MICKENS WOULD, THAT TOMMY MICKENS WHO IS NOT ME.

So, back at Lafayette's House of the LAWD, Lettie Mae figures that the best way for Tara to get over the fact that her boyfriend was killed is to get some Jesus in her. Lettie Mae's preacher tells her that all of the bad shit that happened was God's plan to get her to go back to her mother. And Lettie Mae is like IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW AHAHAHA, and Tara is laying there looking like YOU ARE NOT HELPING. OH LAWD, A LIFE WITH JUST LETTIE MAE. BRB NEED TO TAKE SWALLOW A MEDICINE CABINET, I MEAN, TAKE A SHOWER.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, we see Bill climbing out of the dirt, and I have to say, he's doing it pretty sexily, even though he's totally muddy and looks like he REALLY needs a homoerotic shower.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica wakes up for the night, and Dead Guy is still Dead Guy, and Jessica is like OH FUCK ME. She gets out of the dirt bedroom to answer her phone, and she thinks it's Bill, but it's Hoyt, and here comes one of those romantic moments that make me gag, but I will attempt to quell my urge to vomit. Hoyt is all DID YOU GET MY FLOWERS I MISS YOU, and Jessica is like I MISS YOU, TOO, BUT THIS IS A BAD TIME, and Hoyt keeps talking about his random haircut, and she's like MUST GO, DEAD GUYS TO BURY, and hangs up, and Hoyt is like OMFG FML! Jessica spends a minute hugging her flowers, and then she sees Dead Guy again, so it sort of ruins the moment.

Over at Fangtasia, Yvetta is falling out of her corset doing a pole-dance for Eric, but Eric's pole is going to have to wait because UH OHS, trouble walks in the door, and that trouble is wearing a fur coat and seriously needs to wash her hair. It's the Queen and...HELLS YES, THE MAGISTER. Eric is like GULP, and he vampires over to greet them. They suggest clearing the place out because they need to talk, and Eric suggests using his office, but the Queen is like NO I BUGGEST YOUR OFFICE LOL! Then the Queen is like EVERYBODY OUT EXCEPT HOT POLE-DANCING FANGBANGERS, and the Magister is like LAW AND ORDUH HEARUH, NO HUMANSSS. I NEED BOTHH OF YOU AT FULL ATTENSHUN, and we go LOL ERIC IS ALREADY AT ATTENTION. So Yvetta leaves. Bye, Yvetta.

The Magister makes himself at home in Eric's Throne of Viking Vikingness, and he tells Eric that SHIT HAS GOTTEN REAL because his area is a big hot mess and is becoming the V capital of the world. And the Queen is like WAAAT, and she says that Eric is the only vampire that can be trusted with this information, and Eric is like -_- at her. The Magister says that THE BLOOD IS SACRED. WASTING IT ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROCREATION IS BLASPHEMY.

Why does that sound familiar....

And the Queen and Eric are like BLASPHEMY! MADNESS! DESECRATION! The Magister asks if Eric has noticed an increase in V users, and Eric says no, but the Magister says HI EVERYBODY ELSE HAS, LOSER. He has deduced that the amount of V flowing around has to mean that a vampire is behind it, and when Eric is like SAY WHAT, the Magister is like *SIGH* There are no missing vampires--EXCEPT BILL, thinks Eric--and no missing vampires means that drainers aren't doing it, so OBVIOUSLY, STUPID LITTLE VIKING, a vampire is supplying the blood. And the Queen is like OMG WHO IS THAT EMO, AND WHOEVER IT IS SHOULD FALL ON HIS OWN STAKE, and she looks at Eric, and Eric goes -_- again, but he says he'll look into the matter of who could be doing this.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is standing around smelling chili, and she asks Lafayette if he's done something different, and at the same time they both say THERE BE CINNAMON IN IT. Lafayette is like WHOA, WOLVERINE, HOW DID YOU SMELL THAT, and Arlene goes OHMYGOD I'M PREGNANT and runs away. WAAAAT?

Across the bar, Hoyt is going back to the table that he is sharing with Jason and these two girls, and at first, these two girls don't look so bad, but then one of them opens her mouth and OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING. BLACK AND DECKER PECKER WRECKER MOUTH. *SHUDDER* Apparently, these girls are driving across the South on their way to California to go to school to become dog psychologists. And Jason is like LOL WAT DOG SHRINK, and there's this whole thing about how dogs can't tell us what's wrong, and Hoyt looks like a puppy or something, and I'm not really even sure what the point of this scene was except to show that Old Jason is in full effect, and Hoyt needs to get used to the "pussy overflow" if he's going to be Jason's roommate. And Andy looks on approvingly as Jason and Hoyt take the girls home.

Back at Fangtasia, Eric and the Queen are walking the Magister out, and the Queen asks what will happen to the vampire responsible. The Magister says that THIS KIND OF MORAL ANARCHY CANNOT BE ALLOWED and assures them that the responsible party will TOTES get punished. And then he says WHAT COLOR IS THE PAINT ON THESE WALLS? IS THAT FORESHADOW? And he leaves. Once's outside, the Queen is all I THOUGHT MORAL ANARCHY WAS THE POINT, and though I have left the books behind, it makes me sad that we will never see Sophie-Anne as she was meant to be. I'd even forgive Evan Rachel Whore for being such a whore if she was playing Book!Queen. Alas.

Anyway, Eric is like SORRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE BUT OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, and the Queen is like YOU DON'T THINK HE BELIEVED US, and Eric is like UH, NO. The Queen says the best solution is to sell everything Eric has, and when Eric is like CRAZY BITCH SAYS WHAT, the Queen says that the IRS is breathing down her neck and she needs money. Wait, what? LOL WHAT? YOUR PALACE OF TACKY WAS TOO EXPENSIVE? Anyway, she tells Eric to sell ALL the V that he has, and she doesn't care for how much, but just get rid of the evidence. And Eric is like UM, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT...

AND THEN THE QUEEN GOES BATSHIT AND SHE CLIMBS ALL UP ON ERIC LIKE HE'S A TREE AND SHE IS SHRIEKING LIKE A BANSHEE AND SHE SMASHES ERIC'S MANPARTS IN HER HAND, AND SHE'S ALL HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A VAMPIRE QUEEN BROKE. Then she climbs down like it ain't no thang.

So, yeah, that bad ass.

Except OMFG HER FANGS ARE SO HUGE AND HIDEOUS. What IS that? Why don't hers fit right? They were bad last season, but they are way worse now. And Eric is like OMFG DIAF, and we are like OH GURL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

But then Eric gets his panties out of the wad they were in, and he's like OH BTW, I LOST BILL. And the Queen is like BILL WHO? GET ME MONEY. BYE BITCH. Godga, I hope the Magister kills her.

Back at Casa de Craphouse, Sookie is apparently on the phone with Isabel from Dallas, and there is a knock at the door. OH, LOOK! IT'S PAM! AND SHE'S WEARING PINK! Pam walks in asks Sookie why she had to kill Maryann because Maryann is an awesome decorator. Oh, Pam. Sookie is all WHAT ABOUT BILL, and Pam is like BILL WHO? She says she is just making her rounds, and she gives Sookie a check from Eric. Sookie is like THIS IS TOO MUCH MONEY, and Pam is like YOU DESERVE A BONUS FOR SUCKING HIS CHEST, I MEAN GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND AND ALMOST GETTING RAPED AND BLOWN UP AND STUFF.

Then Pam goes UUUGGGH and shivers, and Sookie is like WTF, and Pam explains that Eric just "called her", apparently on the Vampire Phone, and Pam vampires out, and that's when Sookie realizes HEY, JESSICA HAS VAMPIRE PHONE WITH BILL.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Terry is looking for Arlene, and he finds her in Sam's office, and he's like DATE NIGHT Y/Y, and she FREAKS out and is all I HAVE TO THINK OF MY KIDS OMG. Hey, wait. So, season 2 started two weeks after Rene was killed, and all of season 2 was only like what two weeks in real time? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ARLENE IS PREGGO WITH SERIAL KILLER BABY? I'm sure not, but PLOT HOLE!

In the walk-in fridge, Pam has brought a bunch of V to Lafayette who is like HALF OFF WHAT, and she says they want the money by the next night, and Lafayette starts to say HOOKUH, WTF, and then PAM freaks out and gets all up on Lafayette and gives one of the best speeches of the show, which I will transcribe for you here:

Pam: I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if i need to, and also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.

Lafayette: Aight.

Pam: Yeah? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

BRB DYING OF LOVE FOR PAM FOREVER.

She leaves, and Lafayette is like FML HARDCORE WITH NO LUBE.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Sookie walks in, and Jessica is like RIGHT THERE, and she's like CALL FIRST MUCH. Sookie brings up the Vampire Phone, and Jessica says that yes, she did feel a bit sick and shivery, and MAYBE she saw a place where Bill might be, so Sookie throws her the keys and says ROAD TRIP. But then Sookie is like UGH WHAT IS THAT SMELL, and Jessica says OH, JUST A DEAD GUY...POSSUM. DEAD POSSUM.

So, back on Half-Dead Vampire Street, Bill stumbles along and comes up to a house and rings the bell, and oh no. An old lady with an oxygen tank answer the door, and she's all STANLEY? STANLEY, MAH BOY, IS THAT CHOO? But it is not Stanley, it is the Tornado of Sex and Fangs, and she says he looks hungry and invites him in, and well, you can guess the rest.

Back at Lafayette's House of Conversion, the pastor is done, and Tara jumps up and says ALL BETTER. I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER, and Lettie Mae stupidly lets her go because she's more interested in the pastor. She's all OH YOU'RE THE BEST CAN I HUG YOU, and she does, and she TOTALLY MOLESTS THE PREACHER, and he's like O.O and gets out of there quick. Meanwhile in Lafayette's awesome bathroom, Tara runs the shower, then locks the door and sits on the toilet, and this isn't going to end well.

All the way over in Wherethefuckarewe, Arkansas, Sam is being a creeper and he follows TommyLJ home, and he sneaks up and looks in the mailbox and finds all of these past due bills addressed to THE MICKENS FAMILY. TOMMYLJ IS A LIAR! This is the point where I'd say that Sam might be better off just going back home.

Back at Jason's House of ED, he's having some trouble getting going with the girl from Shithole Bar and Grill, and apparently, it's because he keeps seeing her with a bullethole in her head. The other girl comes in because Hoyt is all crying about Jessica, so maybe this will work. Two girls surely will cure his problems! But instead, they BOTH have bulletholes. So, he tells them to "pay attention to" each other, but EVEN THAT DOESN'T WORK. They're like WTF, and he says, WELL I KEEP SEEING BULLETHOLES IN YOUR HEADS, and the girls are like UHH, BYE. So, Jason sits down and starts cussing at Little Jason for failing him, but knowing Jason, he probably named it Maximus or something.

Why do guys name their manparts? That's ubercreepy if you ask me.

Anyway.

Over at Old Lady Buffet, Bill has had his dinner, but he didn't kill the old lady! YAY! He lays the hypnovamp on her, and he tells her THIS NEVER HAPPENED, KAY? HERE IS SOME MONEY, AND YOUR SON VISITED, AND IT WAS GREAT. But while he's talking to her, he hears all these wolves howling outside, and we're like UM, WHAT, and Bill asks the old lady where they are, and she's like M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, and Bill is like NO TIME FOR SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK. GOTTA GO. And he runs off into the night, wearing a very fabulous flowered shirt. And the wolves are outside going ahOOOOOH.

Back at Lafayette's House of Intervention, Lettie Mae is reading a magazine when Lafayette gets home and is like WHERE BE TARA, and Lettie Mae says she's in the shower, and Lafayette is like HELLO WITH RAZORS AND MY WHOLE CABINET OF PILLS? And he runs to the bathroom, but it's too late because Tara is already gobbling down all the pills she can find! WHAT THE HELL? YOU KNEW EGGS FOR A WEEK. My man friend left me without a word after TWO YEARS, and all I did was have a cry and eat a whole chocolate cake. WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BLACK WOMAN EMPOWERMENT CAPE, TARA? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? SHOP AT HOT TOPIC, CUT YOUR HAIR, AND GET OVER IT.

So, on No Longer Half Dead Vampire Street, Jessica is driving up to where Bill pulled his BAMF move, and Sookie runs down to see that there are bodies in the car. Jessica pulls one out, but there are no wallets or phones or anything, but they do find a sort of brand on his neck, and it looks like a squiggly line or something, and they're like WTF?

SO JESSICA LOOKS ON THE ANCIENT RUNES APP THAT SOOKIE HAS ON HER PHONE THAT GET SERVICE ALL THE WAY IN MISSISSIPPI AND THEY FIND IT. IT MEANS OPERATION WERWOLF.

I'm sorry, but I have to call bullshit here. EXCUSE ME? WHAT? I swear.

Anyway, speaking of Operation Werewolf, Bill is vampiring through the woods like a...vampire, and he suddenly stops because HOLY SHIT there are like FIVE WOLVES SURROUNDING HIM. And they have lame glowing eyes, and they're like GRR ARGH, and Bill is like, I SHOULD WARN YOU, YO. I FED. And the wolves are like BRING IT. And Bill is like IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT'N.

END.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

THIS DAY OF WIN

2010-01-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know, I am not a skinny girl. I have never been a skinny girl. I will never be a skinny girl.

At this point in my life, I'm really uncomfortable with my weight, and I've taken steps to try to change that. I've given up fast food, and I've got 20 days without it under my belt. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS. I LOVE MCNUGGETS OM NOM NOM.) I'm starting to eat better, and less, and it's slow, but I'm going to stick with it.

However, no matter what size I am, and I have been many different sizes in my life, I hate buying clothes. I HATE IT. I especially hate buying jeans. I'm usually reduced to tears in the span of a few minutes. I'm short, I have a short waist, and I have no ass at all, and so finding jeans is ridiculously hard for me. I managed to find a pair a few months ago, but they no longer fit. YAY, but GRR. I've been gutting it out, wearing a belt and such, but the prospect of buying another pair of a jeans just made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for DAYS.

I also have trouble because while I don't feel I'm hideously obese just yet, I'm still large in the belly and shoulder/arms area. The problem comes with the upper girlie parts area. I can't find clothes that fit in both places. They either fit great everywhere but upper girlie parts, or they fit my upper girlie parts and then nowhere else. It's so exhausting to try and find things that look good and are comfortable. So, I usually don't. I've lived my life in t-shirts, and I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

At some point, a girl has to go OMFG STOP WEARING CLOTHES A TEENAGER WOULD WEAR.

Today, my sister and I went to use her Target gift card she got for Christinamas, and to make some pictures of Maggie from a memory card. While in Target, I was going to find a new purse--as I don't carry them for longer than three months, and I've been carrying my Cobra Commander bag for four OMFG THE SHAAAAME--and Mook was going to buy it for me. HOORAY AND REJOICE! I should have known better. Besides the fact that everything in Target was SUMMER or LEATHER, as soon as Mook found some shirts she liked, she withdrew her offer to pay for my new purse, and I was left holding the new scarf I found going WTF.

We're browsing some clearance, and IGNORING THE FACT THAT IT WAS A MATERNITY DRESS, I found *GASP* A DRESS. I don't wear dresses! I don't even OWN a pair of shorts! But I saw this dress, and I LOVED IT, and I NEEDED IT. So we went to the dressing room, I tried it on, and, of course, it didn't fit right. I was crushed. I was absolutely defeated. I was getting into the mood that makes my sister want to choke me with fashion scarves. We wandered over to the shoe aisle because Mook has been searching in vain for a new pair of boots, and I was trudging, completely resigned that I would be a gelatinous shrew who can't find clothes for the rest of my life.

AND THEN I SAW THEM.

There they were, sitting on a shelf with a big sticker that said CLEARANCE, and it was like a light came down from heaven and said BROOKE! DO NOT THINK YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A GELATINOUS SHREW! HERE IS SOME ENCOURAGEMENT. BUY THESE.

And I kid you not, as I stood there, staring at them in wonder and awe, the only thing that came into my head was the following:

LADY GaGa WANTS YOU TO HAVE THESE.

Yeah, they're on the toilet. SO WHAT?

I have NEVER in my LIFE worn a pair of high heels, but BY GODGA I WILL LEARN.

Even in a crooked picture, THEY ARE AMAZING.

I almost broke my neck trying them on, but I CAN LEARN THAT SHIT. Of course, these things cannot come without some raincloud on the horizon. They had them in my alleged shoe size, which is 8, but they did not fit. I started to hyperventilate, but then I found a pair of 9's, and when I say my alleged shoe size is 8, that means I actually wear a 7, but my foot is so wide that I have to wear an 8 because a 7w just doesn't cut it. I put them on, and HOORAY, THEY FIT.

Now, the price. *SIGH*

Oh, YOU KNOW IT. THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE FOR 8 BUCKS. EIGHT DOLLARS FOR THESE MAGNIFICENT SHOES!

After Mook let me use the balance of her gift card, I PAID $1.97 FOR THESE BABIES.

We had to go and find a skirt for me to wear with these monsters because my jeans are too short, or so Mook claims, and that is where we got into trouble. I am trusting you, my lovely flist, to never tell this secret that I am about to reveal to you. It's hard for me to admit this, but I'm going to do it because I feel like I can trust you, and you won't make fun of me.

I spent $100 on the MILEY CYRUS line of clothes at Wal-Mart.

I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

THESE CLOTHES ARE AMAZING. I am a fat girl with huge boobs, and they look GREAT on me. GREAT. AND EVERYTHING WAS ON CLEARANCE. Plus, I found a pair of jeans that fit and look good IN ONE TRY. FOR $18.

Then we got CORN DOGS for dinner on the way home.

THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

Avatar: GET AN ORIGINAL IDEA PLZKTHNXBAI

2009-12-26T20:49:00.000-05:00

So, we saw Avatar today.

Do you want to know what Avatar is? I will be happy to break it down for you with a simple math problem.

(Pocahontas - Native Americans) + (Dances With Wolves - everything awesome about it) + (Ferngully - pixies) X (Final Fantasy X - Japanese people) = AVATAR

I have never IN MY LIFE seen a movie that rips off A MILLION OTHER MOVIES the way Avatar does. It is STAGGERING. THE ENTIRE MOVIE SHOULD BE CALLED "8 OTHER MOVIES YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN."

We got there late, so I only got to see the last half of ONE trailer, but it was Percy Jackson and OMFG I AM SO EXCITED. Because we were late, we were in the second row, and it was ZOMG HUGE and hard to concentrate, but it was very hilarious to see me and my cousins and sister take up an ENTIRE ROW of the movie theater. It was me, Mook, Cousins BChar, RChar, AChar, ESin, ASin, and SCas. (NAMES ABBREVIATED TO BE HILARIOUS.)

ANYWAY. So, the movie starts, and immediately, I got OMFG WHO IS THIS GUY FOR HE IS TEH_HOT, and yes, Sam Worthington is TEH_HOT, but he is also TEH_BAD ACTOR. Not HORRIBLE, but also not great. The blue people freaked me out at first, and then I was MESMERIZED by them. It's strange how Sigourney Weaver looked PRETTIER as a blue person. They are freakishly tall, and I was immediately draw in, and was all X___X watching the whole thing.

The plot is...complex. There is this mineral the that humans want called UNOBTANIUM. (YES, REALLY.) The biggest deposit of it is under the Hometree (AGAIN, REALLY), and the problem is that the blue people, the Na'Vi, live in that tree, hence the name. The humans want to use these things called avatars, which are basically human/na'vi hybrids, to go in and convince the na'vi to leave so they can OBTAIN the mineral. The main guy is a paraplegic guy named Jake Sully who is just a regular Marine. His brother was supposed to go and do this communing with the blue people, but his brother got merked, so he's going in his place. He goes, he gets separated from the party, the na'vi princess finds him. (I knew immediately that Na'vi princess was Zoe Saldana without having seen the cast list, and it sort of made me love her a little from the beginning.) Anyway, Jake starts to be all in love with the Na'vi, and he doesn't want to go back to his life, and then the humans are all WE WANT THE STUFF, and Jake is all OMG NO, so then it is WAR, and yes, it is WAR.

That is just the skeleton of the movie. I'm not doing it justice because IT DOES NOT DESERVE JUSTICE. IT IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF.

Guy going into a group of indigenous peoples, learning their ways, and becoming one of them? YEAH, DANCES WITH WOLVES.

OH NOES, SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. IT IS BEAUTY AND SHE IS OUR MOTHER. Yeah, that movie was called FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST.

Outsider guy falling in love with the daughter of the chief who is already pledged to someone in the tribe, causing outrage among said tribe, especially the chief? POCAHONTAS UP IN HERE.

Huge mechanical suits of armor walking around stomping on all the pretty spiritual trees and such? FINAL FANTASY X? YEAH, I PLAYED THAT.

It's just so shockingly UNORIGINAL as far as the storyline goes. There was even a moment that I went OMFG AM I WATCHING BRAVEHEART? But here's the thing--those things all had great stories. They all had elements that people love, that I FUCKING LOVE. So, it's not a bad story at all. It's a great story. It's just not some new original AMAZING OMFG MY MIND IS BLOWN thing. James Cameron did great things in movies when he first showed up, but arguably his greatest success, Titanic, was not an original story. It was one of the most famous stories in the world, and all he did was write a crappy love story to put in as a sideline. His strength has not been storytelling for a LONG, LONG time.

HOWEVER.

The look of this movie...it's amazing. It's breath-taking. This movie took 10 fucking years to make, and it shows. There were only two moments that I went OMFG FAKE, and the rest of it is beautiful. Everything is so PRETTY, but the look of Pandora is like a recreation of the previously mentioned Final Fantasy X. But I LOVE THAT GAME BECAUSE IT IS PRETTY.

I'm not kidding. It will make your jaw drop open. It's so easy to believe that the movie is REAL. I kept getting frustrated any time they would jump out of the avatars because the real world was so barfy compared to the world deep inside Pandora. It's captivating, and it's stunning, and that is something I cannot take away from the movie. A+++++ for style. Just AWESOME.

But then...OMFG IT IS SO FUCKING CHEESY. The "bad guy"--WHO DIDN'T WANT TO STAB HIM? The shit he was saying made me roll my eyes. When Jake became MASTER OF THE FIRE COLORED DRAGON THING...IT WAS TOO MUCH. It was all so beautiful that you almost don't care, but yes, my cousin and I were cracking up because OMFG WHUT? A lot of it was SO CHEESY. It was never unbearable, but it was enough to make us go OH AHAHAHAHA.

I did get teary-eyed a few times. When Jake became Master of the Fire Colored Dragon Thing, when the animals of Pandora came to their aid during the battle, when fucking Sigourney Weaver died...yes, I got teary-eyed. It was compelling stuff. No doubt about it.

The movie is weird. It's weird and creepy and cheesy and lame at points. It's WAY TOO LONG. They could have easily cut out a good twenty minutes, but I didn't mind the stuff that could have been cut. Nothing made me go OMFG MOVE ON ALREADY. I was not crazy about the over abundance of tentacle-shaped things. I DO NOT LIKE TENTACLES. And their braids? OY HOW WEIRD. When Jake and his girlfriend mate? YUCK. When she finds him in his human form, and she's all OMG CARESS? SQUICK.

But none of the things I didn't like about this movie make it a bad movie. It's a very, very good movie. I mean, super fantastically good. I just wish people would stop being all OMFG BEST MOVIE EVER because yes, it is the best movie ever BECAUSE IT HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE 8 TIMES. The story is NOT original, but the execution definitely is. If you can look past the obvious political and environmental preaching, you can enjoy it as just a good story with awesome effects. It's absolutely worth the time and money to go and see it.

I'm still holding District 9 as the best movie I've seen all year, but that is because I value story over aesthetics any day. You can dress up shit in a pretty dress, but it is still shit.

Avatar is not shit. Not at all. It's fabulous. 5 Creepy Tentacle Braids out of 5.

AND I WANT A FIRE COLORED DRAGON THING NAO PLZ.

SPOCKBROWS > SYBROWS but Both of Them Make Me Want to Maul Zachary Quinto

2009-11-18T16:31:00.001-05:00

Prepare yourself, I am about to say unpopular things, which honestly, if you didn’t know that I have a tendency to say unpopular things WHAT, ARE YOU NEW? That is what I do! I say unpopular things in ALL CAPS with lots of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!1!one! It is how I roll, and this shall be no exception.

Everyone thinks that Star Trek is above reproach, and to that, I say WHAT ARE YOU? NEW? Everyone, including Star Trek fans (either Trekkies or Trekkers) LOVE to complain and nitpick Star Trek. No, they’re not as bad as the Star Wars fans, who are, let’s face, completely insane, but they are pretty bad. They think they’re so ELITE OMG and that their opinions MATTER. (If you think your opinions matter, please reference Star Trek V and Star Trek: Generations. YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.)

I, myself, am a Trekkie, and if you do not know the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker, please GTFO of this review. YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME. Or, more accurately, you have some sort of a semblance of a life, and therefore, I cannot relate to you.

I also have a love/hate relationship with Star Trek in that I love Star Trek: The Next Generation and I hate Star Trek: The Original Series. KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. I do not care if that is blasphemy. I DO NOT CARE. TNG is what got me into Star Trek, and I only went back and watched the important episodes of TOS because I was forced to by my more enthusiastic Star Trek friends. TNG is a superior show, in every way, because TNG has Patrick Stewart and the lovely hunk of bearded man meat known as William T. Riker (real name, not important).

However, because the Newest Star Trek, sometimes stupidly referred to as Star Trek 0 or Star Trek 11, which is WRONG on so many levels, is a reboot. Do not let people tell you that it is a reMAKE or a re-imagining or any other word that starts with re. IT IS A REBOOT because J.J. Abrams is a lunatic fool if he thinks he won’t make another one. This movie made kajillions of dollars, and LOST is over next year, so he needs something to do. THIS MOVIE IS A REBOOT.

Which is a good thing seeing as how I loathed TOS except for Bones and Spock, and I can happily say that the Newest Star Trek did what the show should have done and that is focus completely and totally on Spock and only give Kirk ten minutes of crybaby time. Let’s face it, Kirk has always been exceptionally less interesting than everyone around him. HE IS A DUDE FROM IOWA. That is not compelling storytelling. A half-Vulcan, half-human guy is SO much more interesting, and if I had my druthers, I would say TO HELL WITH KIRK, LET’S CALL THIS THE SPOCK MOVIE AND BE DONE WITH IT.

The story of the Newest Star Trek was cranked out of the GENERIC STAR TREK STORYLINE MACHINE. Some bad guy has some grudge against the Federation and decides to use some horribly destructive machine to destroy some picturesque planet from which at least one person on the Enterprise hails, therefore setting in motion a story of revenge and, ultimately, the finding of oneself.

EXCEPT THAT IS NOT THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE.

The plot of his movie is Eric Bana is Captain Nero, the character with the worst name in the history of Star Trek because of the thinly veiled symbolism. Anyway, Captain Nero has a grudge against Spock from the future because Spock from the future couldn’t prevent a totally unpreventable disaster from destroying Romulus, and nobody in the Federation cried about it because THE ROMULANS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BAD GUYS. But, Nero is sad in his pants because his wife and unborn spawn died in the ASPLODE, and now he has been waiting for 25 years to catch up with Spock from the future, who is not Zachary Quinto, but is, in fact, Leonard Nimoy, and OH WHO THE HELL CARES. THE PLOT IS NOT IMPORTANT.

But I will stop to say that J.J. Abrams needs to stop drinking the Kool-Aid supplied by whoever told him it was a good idea to include time travel in everything he does ever. First, LOST, then Fringe, now this mess. TIME TRAVEL CONFUSES PEOPLE. Meaning it confuses me, so DON’T DO IT OMG. What IS important in this movie is the casting, and I have to say that I have a few complaints, but overall, I’m pleased. Let’s just address the elephant in the room, and that elephant’s name is Chris Pine.

WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET THIS GUY?

I hated him. HATED. HIM. I could barely get past his voice which sounds a lot like a cross between Christian Slater (Star Trek VI HOLLA) and that guy who plays Matt on Nip/Tuck. His Kirk is WHINY and ANNOYING, and NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE. We are supposed to like him. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR CAPTAIN, and he is supposed to lead us on this incredible journey, and instead, he just stands around and goes WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? His casting was a fail. I had never heard of him before this movie, and sadly, I believe I will keep hearing about him when they make more of these movies, and that makes me said.

His horribleness, however, cannot eclipse the wonder that is Zachary Quinto. The man terrifies me on Heroes, and his eyebrows are…well, they are the Sybrows, and if the people of the world would put their faith in the Sybrows, I am convinced they could solve world hunger and disarm the nuclear weapons. THE MAN IS AMAZING. I had my doubts because he was taking on one of the most beloved sci-fi characters of all time, but he and his amazing eyebrows (Spockbrows?) managed it, and THEY MANAGED IT GOOD.

The rest of them…eh, I hate Karl Urban. I don’t know why, I just do. I have never been a fan. I think he is a good actor, yes, and he looks lovely riding a horse with his long blond flowing locks trailing behind him, but there is something about him that irks me. For him to be playing my favorite Star Trek character…it was difficult for me at first. However, I think he did a great job. Also, SIMON PEGG. That is all that needs to be said. He is amazing. END OF STORY. Zoe Saldana is lovely, and I thought she was all right, but then we have John Cho, and I LOVED HIM. A LOT.

What caught my eye were the random cameos. WINONA RYDER? REALLY? And WTF was Tyler Perry doing as a Starfleet Admiral? MY MIND WAS BLONW. And don’t think I didn’t hear your voice, Greg Grunberg. OH, I DID, AND I LOVED IT.

I think rather than saying the things I did like about this movie, I will list what I didn’t like. The Spock/Uhura thing FREAKED ME OUT. I’m not sure if it’s because I always viewed Spock as asexual, or if I was just annoyed that they thought THIS WILL PLEASE THE GIRLS. Well, this girl is NOT PLEASED. I also do not appreciate them throwing in “cute” things that are a “tribute” to the original series. YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU, GREEN GIRL WHO HAS A NAME THAT I DO NOT CARE TO REMEMBER.

The problem with that is that if this is a reboot, then reboot it. DO NOT DO THINGS THE SAME AS THEY WERE DONE. Distance yourself from the original material, and set the standard for the movies to come after this. I think the movie managed it, and then some, but the little things that I am sure made hardcore fans pee their pants just made me go OMFG THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF STAR TREK.

Let me clarify something. I FREAKING LOVED THIS MOVIE. But I am not over the moon like most fans were. I think it has problems, but it is a Star Trek movie, so of course it will have problems. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like it because I did. A LOT. In fact, I am already watching it again, and I will probably watch it four or five times before the week is over. I just think there were things that could have been changed, or maybe, it’s better to say things I didn’t like. The movie is just fine the way it is. It’s good. It’s really good.

AND WHEN DID SULU START KICKING SO MUCH ASS? Even though they totally looked like Power Rangers sailing through the sky like that.

Random fandom aside: THANK YOU, JJ, FOR NOT OVERBLOWING THE HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT BETWEEN KIRK AND SPOCK. It was better directed at Kirk and Bones. OMFG THEY WERE TOTALLY BOYFRIENDS.

In summation, this movie SETS ITS PHASER TO STUN. AHAHA OMFG I suck at life. No, really. I loved it. Really loved it, and I cannot wait for more of them provided that Spock and Uhura break up, and we never have to see Chris Pine in a fight scene ever again because obviously, dude cannot win a brawl.

4.5 POINTY-EARED HOTTIES OUT OF 5

Recap: True Blood Season 1--"Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" aka I KNOW. I WAS THERE.

2009-09-16T21:06:00.001-04:00

First, let me take a moment to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading these recaps all season. You have no idea how much joy you have given me. This is a lot of work every week, but I do it because I enjoy it, and I love to hear from everyone with what they thought of the show. There has been some heartache, some annoyance, some anger, and some betrayal, but overall, writing these and hearing from everyone has made the last four months AMAZING for me. SO THANK YOU.

I do hope you’ll stick around, but if you were only friending me for the recaps and wish to de-friend me now, it’s totally okay. I’ve gotten to know some of you, and there are some of you I want to get to know, so I do hope you’ll stay, but if not, I will see you next season, hopefully!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SO FANTASTIC FOR ME.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, MY LOVELIES.
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.
I know I’m not winning an award or anything, but SHUT UP. I AM THANKING YOU FOR BEING THE BEST FLIST IN THE WORLD. :D

Without further ado…

Previously on True Blood…

You’ve been watching the show all season. YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Do you really need me to tell you again? I DIDN’T THINK SO.

So, Sookie is still screaming her fool head off, and Lafayette tells Tara that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg. Tara picks it up oh so carefully, and Sookie is going TARA! TARA! the whole time, but TARA TARA doesn’t listen. She and Eggs are like HE‘S COMNG YAY and she‘s carrying the egg REALLY carefully, and all I wanted to see was her drop the egg and go NOOOOOO. Anyway they take the egg downstairs, leaving Sookie alone with Lafayette. Sookie starts going LAFAYETTE SWEETIE THIS ISN’T YOU, and she reads Lafayette’s mind, but all she hears is that stupid PREPARE FOR BROWNIES, PREPARE FOR DENTURES, PREPARE FOR YELLOW FURIOUS chant, and he pushes her away and tells her to take off her clothes. EEP WHUT? Sookie goes LAFAYETTE HEY LAFAYETTE, and Lafayette busts out his badass card aka AIDS Burger, and says “I have 1,000 year old vampire blood in me, now take off yo FUCKING CLOTHES.”

Incidentally, the guy watching the finale with me said, right before the show started, “Bets on how long passes before we see Sookie’s breasty business.” He said less than a minute, and I said five, so he was technically right, even though we didn’t actually see them.

So, Sookie strips down, and Lafayette pulls out this big long white gown, then the next thing we see is Lafayette pushing her down the stairs, and when they get to the living room…OH AHAHAHAHA. WHUT? There is Maryann in a hideously hilarious wedding dress with Arlene, Tara, and Jane Bodehouse acting as bridesmaids. They are all wearing stupid crowns of ivy, and they all turn around and Maryann goes O HAI. Sookie is INCREDULOUS and we find out that it’s GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS, THAT BITCH. Sookie goes WTF, and Maryann says that Sookie is her maid of honor! YAY!

Credits.

After the credits, Sookie is struggling against Eggs, and Eggs is telling her to just let it take her, and Sookie says HELL NAW I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT. Maryann tells her to STFU, that she’s only been borrowed, to go alone with old (Jane Bodehouse), new (Tara), and blue (Arlene.) At least I hope, because if she meant blue for Tara…that shit is just wrong. Anyway, Sookie’s only concern is that Maryann has no right to wear Gran’s dress, but honestly, aren’t there bigger things at hand here? And look! Lafayette has changed into his own bridesmaid dress! YAY! Maryann says she should have asked about the dress, but she couldn’t find Sookie, and HI Sookie is probably never going to use it anyway. (BESIDES, IT IS HIDEOUS.)

Sookie just goes WTF YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY FRIENDS…AND JANE BODEHOUSE. And honestly, I wish Jane Bodehouse would get murdered. Whoever that woman is, she is the WORST actress. Anyway, Jane Bodehouse likes Sookie because she gives her extra pickles. Whatever. Maryann gets all pissy and tells Sookie to stop being so negative on “her day”. I HATE when brides to be say that. “It’s MY DAY.” Bitch, it’s Sunday, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It’s not YOUR DAY. You’re just getting married. The world does not stop for you.

Ahem.

Sookie is OUTRAGED, and she tells Maryann that she doesn’t know HOW she did all this, but she will NOT let it happen. Maryann doesn’t like this one bit, and she makes the bridesmaids and Eggs leave so she can have some girl talk with Sookie. Once they’re gone, Maryann goes BRING IT. Sookie says BRING WHAT? A VEGETABLE OR MEAT DISH? Maryann means the Glowy Palm of Glowness because it felt like Nature herself all up in her grill, and Sookie goes WTF? I DON’T EVEN. But she steps up, and it is a hilarious moment when she presses her fingers all up on Maryann’s face, then she finally gives up and shoves her. Maryann goes -_- THAT’S HITTING ME. I was screaming, “GOUGE OUT HER EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!”

Maryann says that Sookie isn’t committing enough, and Sookie goes WTF I AM NOT AN X-MAN ~~ANYMORE~~. I AM HUMAN, YA‘LL. Maryann just laughs and says that if she WAS human, the hippy hippy shake would work on her, and she demonstrates that it doesn’t. She’s all SO, WTF ARE YOU?

And then I am in love with Sookie for a moment as she responds, “I’m a waitress…what the FUCK are you?”

AHAHAHAHAHA. THERE’S THE SOOKIE WE KNOW AND LOVE.

Meanwhile, across town at Maxine’s House of Bad Karaoke, Maxine is singing along with some old song and dancing in the kitchen. It’s terrifying. Hoyt has fallen asleep in a chair, and Maxine goes to sneak out with her delicious casserole when she notices this. But Hoyt is no fool. He’s tied a piece of yarn across the kitchen, Home Alone style, and when Maxine gets caught on it, it yanks up his hand and wakes him up. He goes flying into the kitchen to stop her from leaving, and she’s all LET ME GO TO THE PARTY, NORMAN BATES which I’m sure is what Hoyt has been saying to her for YEARS, except the Norman Bates part. She says OMG A GOD IS COMING HELLO, but Hoyt says they are staying home, so she hits him with her purse and tries to run. Obviously, it doesn’t work.

Back at the Stackhouse Little Chapel of Love, Maryann is telling Sookie to think back and wondering if she ever felt somebody watching over her? Sookie goes YEAH, IT WAS GOD, and Maryann goes AHAHA YES BUT NO. Then Sookie flashes back to that night when she beat up the Rattrays in the very first episode, how when she threw the chain, it actually TIGHTENED around Mack’s neck. (UM, HI, THAT WAS CLAUDINE WATCHING FROM THE WOODS, so says the deleted scene.) Sookie finally agrees that maybe possibly she isn’t all human, but what is she? Maryann says WHO KNOWS, but that she’s not outright human because she’d be able to feed off her energy if she was, and that’s rare, but not unique in Bon Temps. Then Sookie puts two and two together, and she says SAM? ZOMG YOU’RE MARRYING SAM?

This is the wrong thing to say. Maryann goes HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HUSBAND. Sam is just a wedding gift, then she gets all teary-eyed and says OH NOES I’LL SMUDGE. Sookie is like WHAT IS THIS MADNESS because Sam never did anything to her (except steal a lot of money), and Maryann says WHUT? That he appeared as a naked virgin, drawn to the statue that (incorrectly) represents her god! That means he is the vessel, DUH. HI, NO. Sam was just a hungry runaway who was looking for crap to steal. ANYWAY, Sookie is like WTF SACRIFICE? LIKE HIS HEART? Maryann says YEP. Sookie says that Sam will be able to escape, but Maryann reveals her evil plan. Once Sam realizes that Sookie is there, in danger, he’ll come running. Sookie actually has to sit down when she hears this because HI, Maryann is right. Stupid, noble Sam. Then she puts a wreath on Sookie’s head and says SO PRETTY!

Over at the Palace of the Eternally Damned and Tacky, the Yahtzee game that Bill walked out on is still going strong, but with Eric playing in Bill’s place. (This is the point when the ASkars stans started FREAKING out because OH NOES ASKARS AND ERW ARE IN THE SAME ROOM. THAT MEANS THEY ARE IN LOVE. Whatever, that whore bangs all her co-stars. At this rate, she’ll look 45 by the time she’s 30. OH WAIT, SHE ALREADY DOES AND SHE‘S ONLY 22. /rant)

ANYWAY, Eric does not look pleased to be playing Yahtzee. Obviously, his game is Mystery Date. Eric asks how long the game goes on, and the Queen says that they play to 5 million, which would be…a long time. Then she goes on one of her stupid and horribly written speeches about how Yahtzee is so great because it’s luck and losers could beat her. WHATEVER STFU NOBODY CARES.

Then after all that, she goes, OH BTW SORRY ABOUT GODRIC. THAT BLOWS. Eric looks like he’s about to puke for a second, but then he says thank you and is trying to say how kind the Queen is, but instead, she is rolling and gets another Yahtzee! Then she says YOU WERE SAYING, and Eric is VERY annoyed at this point, but she interrupts him AGAIN by mentioning the maenad in Renard Parrish. (Normally, I’d hate this whole exchange, but it does actually highlight how vampires as old as Eric and the Queen SHOULD act about their makers biting the big one. IT SHOULD BE NO BIG DEAL, definitely not something to cry big hacking sobs over.)

Anyway, she tells him about the maenad, and Eric says I KNOW. I WAS THERE. She tells him not to get involved, and that she told Bill some stuff about maenads, and MAYBE IT’S TRUE, MAYBE IT ISN’T. Then the part that the fan girls were dying over, I‘m sure. The Queen says that she thinks Bill is monogamous with Sookie, and Eric says that yes, he is in love with her. The Queen thinks this is gross and stupid, but then again, he WOULD be with HER. (Hmm, mysterious.) Then she says that Eric probably is, too. Eric pauses, looking like he’s trying to swallow the vomit that just came up, and says I DO NOT LOVE HUMANS.

BUUUUT the delusional fan girls will say OMG HE HESITATED BECAUSE HE WAS SURPRISED SHE COULD TELL THE DEPTH OF HIS FEELINGS AFTER ONLY BEING IN THE ROOM WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES! IT‘S THAT OBVIOUS HOW HE LOVES ONLY SOOKIE, SOOKIE FOREVER, HIS BRIGHT SHINING STAR IN A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS, AND HOW HE IS READY TO GIVE HER HIS EVERYTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. Mark my words. That shit is going to show up somewhere. (Note: At the point that this was written, I have not yet delved into what I am sure is a myriad of insane fan girl ramblings. )

The Queen mentions that Sookie isn’t entirely human (HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THIS SHIT? WAS THERE A MEMO?) and she asks Eric if he’s tasted her. Again with the almost puking face, and he says SADLY NO, and the Queen says OMG DON’T because all she needs is another vampire falling in love. Eric says that Bill does tend to get in trouble, and the Queen goes OH YEAH, HE DOES. She asks him how the hell Bill could know that SHE is having ERIC sell VAMPIRE BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, I have been lenient, but WTF? I have no idea what the hell is going on. WHY would she be having him sell it? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Eric says he doesn’t know HOW he could know, and the Queen is like THIS IS BAD. FOR YOU. Eric leans in really close and says that Bill doesn’t know that SHE is the one supplying it, and then the Queen LAUNCHES herself at Eric and smacks him to the ground and says HE BETTER NOT, OR I CUT YOU.

Then she randomly starts eating his face off, and the ASkars stans turn off their televisions and go start cutting themselves while listening to sad songs. At first, Eric tries to pry her off him, but then, HI, instinct takes over and his fangs pop out, and the Queen goes THERE THEY ARE, HOW PRETTY, and she sort of licks them. STOP WITH THE FANG BUSINESS. IT’S WEIRD. (And why are her fangs so ugly? I mean they are HIDEOUS. Eric’s are actually pretty. So are Bill’s, and even Lorena’s. The Queen’s are FUG, which suits her, actually, so never mind.)

Even as she’s molesting him, she tells him that even though he’s a bad ass, she could have his pretty fangs for earrings if wanted so DON’T FUCK WITH ME. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill personally. TAKE CARE OF? What does that mean? Then Eric tries to eat the Queen’s face off, but that pool boy goes AHEM IT IS YAHTZEE TIME, so the Queen gets up and resumes her seat, and Eric goes FLOP back on the ground, and I don’t know if he’s relieved because ZOMG she could have killed me, or if it’s sadness because he hasn’t gotten laid in forever. I have to think he’s relieved because he didn’t look exactly willing during all of that. THE QUEEN IS A RAPIST. He sits up, hair perfectly in place, and there is this moment of awkward where everyone looks at each other like PRETEND THAT DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN. It is MAGIC. Then Eric rolls again, and the Queen goes YOU SUCK AT THIS.

What happened to the Queen not enjoying sex with men since a long fucking time ago? And why does ERW jerk her head back when she’s putting her fangs in? I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. GTFO MY SHOW.

Ahem.

Back on the Boulevard of Bromance, Andy and Jason are walking up the road discussing their plans for attack, and Jason is telling him that they are the ones who have to save the day. Then he quotes a bunch of movies, and HILARIOUSLY says “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” OH MAN. These two. They walk up on the house, and they see the wedding going on with all the people dancing around the meat tree, dressed like hippies, and playing the bongos, and they go WTF? Andy comments that at least they aren’t naked, and TRU DAT, Andy. Sheriff Bud is apparently singing into a sausage? I’m not sure about that. Jason goes ZOMG THIS IS STACKHOUSE PROPERTY, FOOLS. Andy stops him from running in because HI, they are out numbered. Jason pulls out the guns, and Andy says that he’s never killed anybody before, and Jason says , and Jason says WHO CARES. THIS IS MY FAMILY’S PLACE. They take off all CHARGE…and immediately get captured by the devil zombies. Andy goes first and gets the black eyes, and then OH NOES, Jason gets them, too, and then proceeds to make out with an old lady. WTF?

HANG ON. WHUT? Jason should NOT get the black eyes. He and Sookie have the same parents, so they should have the same immunity. I CRY FOUL AT THIS.

ANYWAY, over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is telling Bill that Arlene’s kids are in his trailer, but Lisa won’t sleep because she’s so worried. Bill says that wouldn’t be a problem if he’d let Bill hypnovamp them, but Sam doesn’t seem so keen on that idea. Bill says HI MAENAD WANTS YOU, Sam goes I KNOW. I WAS THERE. Bill tells Sam that he and SOOKIE, WHO YOU LOVE, need Sam to make things right, and Sam says that who knows if Maryann would stop with him if he gave himself up. KILLERS DON’T JUST STOP OMG, and Bill goes OMFG COWARD. He tells Sam that he has to come with him, and Sam says UHHH, NO. Bill gets right up in his face and says UHHH YES. GO BILL.

Back at the Little White Chapel of Crazy, we see Arlene and the bridesmaids licking that huge egg, and Sookie finally goes WTF IS THAT EGG? DID YOU LAY IT? And instead of being something AWESOME, Maryann reveals that the egg is just a symbol of fertility. BOO BORING. She also says that Sookie has to anoint the egg, which means she has to get a mouthful of blood and lick the egg. She does it, and goes BARF. Outside, Bill is walking up to the party with Sam, and Jason and Andy bust in to tell Maryann that the vessel has arrived! YAY! Sookie sees Jason’s black eyes and goes NOOO, and Jason says SOOKIE SO PRETTY. Maryann goes IT IS TIME, and Sookie spits at her I WILL NOT BE A PART OF SOMETHING SO EVIL. But it looks like she doesn’t have a choice because Maryann threatens to kill Jason, and Sookie immediately changes her mind.

Outside, the wedding has begun, and this was the moment that I realized THIS SHIT IS STUPID. Honestly, the episode could have been saved had they not gone the route of the cheesy wedding. I mean there are people playing violins and shit! Just have it be some ancient ritual and skip all the stupid dresses and stuff. BUT as it is, this is what we have to deal with, so the wedding party comes out, all the bridesmaids throwing flowers, carrying the egg, and Andy is carrying Maryann’s train. HILAROUS.

Bill shouts from the crowd and brings Sam forward, saying that he offers Sam in exchange for Sookie. Of course, Sookie is losing her shit, screaming and fighting as she’s turned over to Bill all OMG SHE WILL KILL HIM! WTF BILL, and Bill just goes THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, so automatically, you know that something fishy is going on here. They take Sam away, and Bill holds onto Sookie, who is PISSED that Bill won’t let her go. She is like WTF BILL YOU SUCK, but Bill says TRUST ME, YO.

Maryann gets all official and starts up the big ritual, looking like a lunatic in her dress and saying DIONYSUS, BACCHUS, BROWNIES, DENTURES, YELLOW FURIOUS and all that, and for the millionth time, incorrect information is given. NONE OF THOSE FUCKS IS THE HORNED GOD. But you know, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if this shit is wrong? The show is insane, so I’ll let them be insane. Anyway, everybody joins in on the chant, and Lafayette puts the bull mask on the meat tree and says “WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES.” Oh, Lafayette. I love you. They put the egg up into the middle of the meat tree, and Maryann tells some crap story about why she’s doing all this. WHO CARES. The crazy violins start up as they bring Sam out tied to a stretcher thing, and they prop him up. Maryann gets all emotional as she brings forth the big ceremonial knife. Sookie is screaming and flailing all SAM USE YOUR GIFT, and DUH, Bill says SOOKIE USE YOURS, which is what she should have done all along!

But it’s too late because Eggs shows up and STABS SAM RIGHT IN THE BELLY. I actually screamed when he did it. SAM! NO! And Sam gurgles and spits, and Eggs takes the knife to Maryann, and she’s like OH BABY BABY and half crying, and she smears the blood all over her neck. Sookie is all NOOO, and she faintly hears Sam’s voice in her head, so she runs over to him, and he tells her to DESTROY…IT…ALL..OF…IT.

Then Sookie goes BATSHIT CRAZY, and she runs over and grabs that huge egg and straight SMASHES that shit on the ground. It’s very gross, and Tara goes ZOMG OUR SACRED EGG. Sookie rips off her crap wreath and says NONE OF THIS IS SACRED. IT’S EVIL! Then she runs over to the meat tree, and she starts to push it down, but only after he palm glows a little is she able to get it pushed over. That’s when Maryann realizes that something fucked up is happening, and she goes HOW DARE YOU BITCH. She starts apologizing to Dionysus, and then…oops, she turns around to the town, and says I WILL SACRIFICE THEM ALL. She does the hippy hippy shake, and this time, it’s that scary one where everybody clutches their ears and their brains start to melt.

Sookie is like WTF NO, and Maryann gets the man voice and says YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON EVERYONE, and then she sinks her hands into the dirt, and yep, when they come up, it’s the CLAWS. NOOO! Sookie realizes this is a good time to run, but as we recall, this didn’t work out so well the first time. Sookie is running like a fool, screaming for Bill, and she trips and falls. Just as Maryann is about to catch her, we hear this roaring, groaning HORRIBLE noise, and Maryann stops and looks up like WTF? WTF indeed because I’m thinking it’s going to be a tiger or a dragon or some shit, but instead…it is a HUGE white bull, and it just comes trotting up the road.

AHAHAHAHAH WHUT?

Maryann is all OMG MY LOVE MY HUSBAND, and she goes over to it, and there’s this moment, where they look at each other under a streetlight, and Maryann reaches out to touch the bull, and she’s crying and ridiculous, and she holds out her arms like TAKE ME IM URS, and the bull DOES take her. He takes his big fucking horn and fucking STABS HER IN THE GUT.

And the world CHEERS.

So she’s gasping and flopping about with a horn through her guts, and then he turns back into NAKED SAM and pulls her heart out. She has this horrible look on her face and goes, “There was no god?” AND THEN HE SQUEEZES HER HEART, SHE TURNS INTO A SKELETON THING, AND DIES.

DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD.

The whole town immediately goes back to normal, and they all look around like WTF because really, WTF do you say to each other at a crazy marriage/sacrifice where you’re all wearing crazy clothes and playing the bongos? All I can say is that every single one of them needs to go get tested for every STD imaginable and get the morning after pill, even the men just in case, because HOLY FUCK. Eggs also notices that HI, he has blood ALL OVER his hands.

Back on Awkward Naked Guy Street, Sookie rushes forward and hugs Sam, and YES, HE IS TOTALLY NAKED. GUH. Sookie is flailing because HE KILLED YOU, but nope, that’s not what happened. Then we see Bill come limping from the woods, and it all becomes clear. Bill healed Sam up after the stabbiness, and that is why he is alive! YAY BILL AND SAM! Fantastic team together. But apparently, Sam had to drink a LOT of Bill’s blood because he’s all weak and trembly, and now OMFG WILL SAM HAVE SEXY SEXY DREAMS ABOUT BILL? PLZ. Anyway, Sookie is like EVERYTHING IS OKAY NOW, and Sam shows back up with pants and a bloody black arm and he says that even if things didn’t work out, he was okay with dying. WHUT?

Jason and Tara come wandering up, and they look at Maryann’s body and go o.O. Tara immediately goes and hugs Sookie, and apparently, she doesn’t remember anything, but Sookie tells her it’s okay. She orders Bill to get rid of Maryann’s body, and she tells Sam and Jason to get everybody the EFF out of her house. Tara then makes some horrible foreshadowing comment about how she has a bad feeling that not all the bad stuff is over yet. THAT WOULD BE A 10-4, GOOD BUDDY.

Over at Hoyt’s House of Humiliation, Maxine is back to herself, and Hoyt is like YAY. She asks what the heck happened, and he tries to tell her, but somewhere in the middle, she realizes that she’s got a vampire bite on her neck. She freaks right the hell out all HOW COULD YOU PICK A VAMPIRE OVER YOUR MOM? Then…oh, man, it’s horrible. Hoyt says that whatever it was that had control over her made her say terrible things about Jessica, him, and about the fact that Hoyt’s dad shot himself, and Maxine gets the UH OH face, which means that is true. Maxine tells him that he’s old enough to know the truth. This is apparently WRONG. She should have kept lying to him because he FREAKS OUT and screams at her, and she cries, and in the end, Hoyt says something very terrible. He says that he wishes Jessica would have finished her off. WTF HOYT. That is SO NOT COOL. So, she lied to you? BIG DEAL. Parents always lie to their kids. It’s their right. After he says the horrible thing, he gets his coat and is OUT, YO.

Back at Casa de Stackhouse, Arlene is frantically calling her kids and wondering why they aren’t answering. Poor Arlene. Jason offers to give her and Terry a ride home, but then Jane Bodehouse finds her finger and is all GAH AHH OHH, and Jason grabs her up to take her to the hospital. Sheriff Bud tells Andy that he gets his badge back, and Andy is overjoyed. He promises to never touch another drink, and let’s hope he sticks to it. Sheriff Bud gives us one of the best lines of the episode: “You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on.” Which, Sheriff Bud does not. HA!

Somewhere off by himself, Sam is looking at some deer that’s staring him down that creepy way that deer do, and he’s got tears in his eyes because I guess he’s remembering Daphne. Which is stupid because Daphne willingly chose to be a servant of Maryann, so there’s no tears needing to be shed for that traitorous bitch. Bill shows up to ruin his alone time, and Sam tries to be all manly and wipe the tears away inconspicuously. Bill wants to thank him for trusting him with his life, and Sam is like WHATEVER, SOOKIE IS SAFE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. Then Bill says YOU WANTED IT TOO. And it totally sounds like they are talking about something else entirely. O.O Sam gets all sentimental about how Sookie and the town are family, and it’s his duty to save them. Bill says HEY THANKS for him revealing his secret, and Sam gets all FORESHADOWY and DEEP and says that shit is easier to deal with once you face up to it or something. Basically, it’s a sneaky way of the writers telling us HEY BILL IS HIDING SOMETHING. (PSST. He’s actually a woman.) Bill slinks off, and Sam looks back, but, aww, the deer is gone.

In the house, Eggs is scrubbing his hands but OMG DA BLOOD, and Tara is like HEYYY, but Eggs keeps going on about OMG THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS OMG. He wants his Maryann, but I guess Tara doesn’t know how to tell him that she’s a big black pile of bones and goo in a wedding dress, so she tells him that they’ll start fresh and handle it themselves. But Eggs doesn’t want to hear that. ZOMG THE BLOOD. THE BLOOOOOD. Tara tells him that Sookie helped her remember some of the stuff she forgot, but she wishes that she didn’t, and he probably doesn’t want to remember things either. OMG DA BLOOOODDDD, and he goes back to scrubbing his nails. Things are not going to end well for Eggs. Sookie comes in, and tells her that everybody is gone, and Tara tells her that Bill is upstairs, then Sookie looks at Eggs and goes THE FUCK? Tara just goes I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

THEN Tara apologizing for bringing the crazy into the house, and THANK GOD. All of this really is Tara’s fault if you think about it. Sookie’s house is destroyed, people are dead, the town is in shambles--all because Tara wanted a family? YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ’ TO DO. Then Sookie notices that Creepy Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and she goes OOPS, and Tara says she’ll take care of it while Sookie goes and snuggles with Bill. That is the LEAST she can do.

Sookie goes upstairs to find Bill in the only room that is miraculously not totally destroyed, and she asks Bill how long it is before sunrise. Bill tells her it’s 41 minutes, and Sookie says “Hold me for forty?” My heart totally melts. I know most of you are Bill haters, or if you’re not haters, you’re just more pro-Eric, but I love the Bill and Sookie schmoop. It’s what this show was based on, and we haven’t had it in a while with all the madness going on, so it’s nice to get back to it a bit.

Then the screen goes black, and when it comes back up, we’re at Shithole Bar and Grill, which is back to its pristine crappiness, so I’m guessing it’s been a week or so because NO WAY could they have cleaned up the mess that was that town overnight, but then again, it does seem like it just happened the day before. It’s business as usual, which is really kind of annoying. The town should be completely freaked out, not acting like it never happened, which is what they are doing. I guess it was the Black Eyes because nobody but Sookie and Bill and Sam remember what happened. OY.

THEN AHAHA FUCKING YAY. Charlaine Harris, mother goddess to this whole lovely mess, is sitting at the bar talking to Sam. I LOVE CAMEOS, AND I LOVE HER. AWESOME. Tara is back bartending, and she tells Sam thanks for opening because the town needs a stiff drink after all that shit. Sam is like IT’S COOL. IT’S THE TOWN’S BAR. Tara says BUT IT’S CALLED MERLOTTE’S, and then Sam makes some emo comment about how that doesn’t say anything about him. WHUT?

Over at a booth, Arlene is with her kids, and there is SO MUCH food on the table, and Lisa says that they forgive her, which breaks Arlene’s heart a little because, as she says, they shouldn’t even know what that word means. It’s a very sweet scene, actually, how the kids are forgiving, and Coby tells her that it’s okay because Sam took care of them and took them to see a flying vampire! Terry comes over and gives them some toy ray guns, and Lisa is NOT impressed by this, but he’s very cute, telling them that they look after her at home and he’ll look after her at work so she is looked after. Then as Arlene goes back to work, Coby asks if she saw Rene while she was away, and Arlene goes AHAH NO HE’S STILL ON VACATION. Once she’s gone, Lisa goes, “Yep, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.” Coby says, “Yep.” AND I AM CHARMED BY THOSE HIDEOUS CHILDREN.

Now we see our favorite gossip mongers in the booth beside them talking about how everyone is saying it was a gas leak, but one of them thinks it was aliens (because Maryann Forrester rhymes with Martian Foreigner), and the other things it was government experiments with stuff in the water, and that’s why she only drinks. Mt. Dew. OH, MT. DEW, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD. Sam comes over and tells them that it was ACTUALLY a bad batch of vodka, so Mt. Dew is the smart way to go. I certainly hope this show got paid a lot of money to promote their drink. As Sam walks away, one of the gossip girls (HO HO) says, “God bless whoever made those jeans. I swear, I’d wear him like a scrunchie.” AHAHAHAHAHA.

Lafayette is all his fabulous self again, and he catches Sookie as she walks by, and tells her that he feels sorry for her because she’s the only one who knows what happens and ZOMG he does NOT want to know. TRU DAT. Jane Bodehouse, who wants the jambalaya, is telling everyone that she has no idea how her finger got cut off, but she thinks it was an alligator that must have got her while she was sunbathing. Team Bromance is sitting at the next table, and Andy is OUTRAGED by this because he knows what happened, and when she’s done talking he says, “Wasn’t no gator, and you weren’t down by the lake. I saw you pull that finger out a giant statue of meat, just like I saw you getting it from behind from Mike Spencer.” Jane and her tablemates just go AHAHAH DRUNK. Andy holds up his drink and says IT’S DIET COKE WITH LIME.

Andy is very upset that nobody can remember what happened because they can’t face up to it. Jason tries to console him by saying that they totally saved everybody, even if nobody can remember, so that makes them heroes. Andy feels as though it doesn’t count, because nobody can remember anything but Jason says OF COURSE IT COUNTS. They set out to save the town from Maryann, Maryann is gone, so YAY THEY DID IT. Jason says the whole point of being a hero is to do something bigger than yourself, and they don’t need glory or girls because they are bigger men than that. YUP. Oh, man, they are the BEST.

Back in the back, Sookie is filling up some mustard, and Sam comes up and asks if she can manage without him for a few days because HI, he needs a break. Sookie says she doesn’t have the words to thank him, but Sam says STFU because he doesn’t want anybody knowing his secret. Sookie hugs him and tells him she wishes everybody knew how special he is, but they are interrupted by the most cheerful person I have ever seen, who is bringing Sookie a special delivery. Sam leaves her alone to open it, and Sookie goes out back to sit down with her present. There is a very fancy card, and inside, there is a note from Bill saying how he has owed her a night out for a LONG time, and now she is going to get it, complete with a pretty purple dress. AWWW, ROMANCE. Or, is it guilt? Hmm.

Just then, Eggs shows up and he looks TERRIBLE. He’s still freaking out, and he wants Sookie to help him remember the stuff that happened during the blackouts. He has to know what he did, and Sookie is very reluctant to help, but Eggs goes OMG DA BLOOOOD, so Sookie gives in, even though she warns him that what she finds might be gross. He’s just a crying mess, and it’s actually really sad. So, Sookie puts her hands on Eggs, and she tells him to open his mind and let her in. Sookie tries to work her magic, and Eggs is remembering riding in a car with Maryann, laughing and having a great time, and then it goes black. Sookie tells him to try harder, and when he does, we see Miss Jeanette, and then Maryann says that she’s a vessel to another world or something, and OH NOES, we watch Eggs kill her and rip out her heart! And it’s GROSS.

Sookie pulls away, but it’s too late because now Eggs remembers everything. He remembers killing Daphne, and he remembers stabbing Sam, and OMG DA BLOOOOOD and he runs away. Sookie chases him and tries to tell him that it wasn’t him, it wasn’t his free will. Eggs will not be consoled. IT WAS MY HANDS THAT DID IT OMG DA BLOOOD. Sookie tries her best, but it’s no use. He runs away in his hoodie, and that is that.

Sometime later, at the Old Compton Place, we see Jessica coming down the steps, and Bill catches her as she’s leaving, and he’s wearing a tuxedo, and PHWOAR. He tells Jessica she looks pretty, and this whole scene is totally sweet with him being nice to her, which is rare. He’s totally a dork. He asks her if she’s going to see Hoyt, and she immediately says OMG YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOOKIE SO WHAT, but then Bill says CALM DOWN, YO. HAVE FUN. He mentions that gentlemen called on the lady in his day, but oh, times have changed. He also notes that his living room is Maxine free, and Jessica tells him that she went home, and he hopes she is okay. Just as Bill is trying to leave, Jessica reaches out and tells him that she and Hoyt had a fight. AWWWW, BONDING. She tells him she was going over to apologize, and Bill says that Hoyt would be a fool not to accept. He tells her that he and Sookie are going to a French restaurant, and she says BE HOME BY FIVE HA HA, and he says YOU BE HOME BY FOUR.

Then we see Sam ringing some random doorbell, and when the door opens, HOLY CRAP! IT’S SAM’S ADOPTED MOM. AND SHE IS WAY OLD. They go into the house, and Sam notes that they don’t have any pictures of him. Mom says that it would be hard to explain since they never had any kids, and Sam is like WHATEVER. She starts trying to apologize, but Sam isn’t there for apologies. He’s not interested in assuaging her guilt. What is there for is to find out about his real parents, and Mom goes SORRY NO. CAN’T SAY. Then this little baby monitor thing goes off, and the Mom goes GULP. WTF? Are aliens coming or something? Sam goes back into this bedroom, and laying on a hospital bed with tubes and machines and shit is his old adopted dad, who is obviously dying a horrible death. He’s writing something on a paper that he hands to Sam, and it’s got the names of his real parents along with I’M SORRY. Oy, this part got me in the guts. I mean, UMPH. Poor Sam, but YAY NEW STORYLINE.

Incidentally, Sam’s parents’ names are Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens, and they last lived in Magnolia, Arkansas. OH NOES, SAM IS A MOUNTAIN PERSON.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Hoyt has put on his Sunday best, and he’s got flowers, and he’s knocking on the door looking for Jessica. How cute! She went to him to apologize, and he went to her! It’s so sweet, and…wait a tick. What is this truck stop business? WHAT THE HELL, JESSICA? She’s in the cab of a truck making out with some truck driver, and the truck driver pulls out a condom, and she says, TEE HEE WAIT I’M A VIRGIN. Truck Driver goes S’OKAY I BE GENTLE AND I LIKE IT. Gross. Jessica then gets crazy eyes and says WELL I DON’T, then she TOTALLY BITES HIS NECK LIKE A BEAST! O.O Whoa, Jess. What the? Hoyt is unaware of this, of course, so he leaves the flowers on the doorstep and slinks away, defeated and heartbroken.

Meanwhile, over at Café du Corny, Sookie finds out that Bill actually rented out the whole restaurant OMG SWOON, and she asks him what he’s going to do while she eats. Bill says WE CAN DANCE. This terrible country song starts up, and these two dorks start dancing like loons in the restaurant. OY CHEESY. Yes, it’s lame and stupid, and why would they play that music in a French restaurant? BUT I DON’T CARE. It’s a sweet moment, and randomly, it is SO obvious that AP and SMoyer are totally in love. SO CUTE.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, in an eerie similarity to last year’s finale, Andy is walking out to his car, and I swear he starts to check the backseat for a dead body when suddenly HOLY CRAP. Eggs is behind him WITH THE HUGE BLOOD-STAINED CEREMONIAL KNIFE. He’s all freaking out and saying DA BLOOOOODD, and that he is the murderer and that he did it and ZOMG ARREST ME. Andy realizes then that he doesn’t have his gun. UH OHS. Andy asks him to put the knife down, and Eggs goes OMFG THIS IS THE MURDER WEAPON. Andy tells him that he was under Maryann’s spell, that it wasn’t him, but again, Eggs has had his brains scrambled (OH, PUN. I suck, I know.) He is crazy, and I DID IT. IT WAS ME. THEY WERE INNOCENT. Andy tries to take the knife, but Eggs pulls out some ninja moves and pushes Andy to the ground. He puts the knife RIGHT UP AGAINST Andy’s eye and says I SAW THEIR EYES AS I KILLED THEM. I have an eye phobia, so I was VERY uncomfortable with this, and I was SO SO afraid Andy was going to get killed.

Instead, the back of Eggs’ head gets blown off just as I think he’s about to kill Andy, and Eggs goes THUD against the ground. I ACTUALLY GASPED. Turns out, it was JASON, who is an incredible shot because WHOA, and he is now totally freaked out because OMG I KILLED HIM. Andy gets up and is like SHIT. And Jason is like SHIT. And we are like SHIT. Andy demands the gun, and he quickly starts wiping off Jason‘s prints. He tells Jason that he didn’t see anything, and he wasn’t there, and to GTFO LIKE NOW. Jason runs away in terror. TEAM BROMANCE FTW. Breaking the law, and cracking eggs. BWUAHAHA. I KNOW, I KNOW. I SUCK.

Just then Arlene comes running out all WHAT HAPPENED, and Andy announces to everyone that Eggs confessed, and that he came after him with a knife, so he had to shoot him. Tara comes out, too, and oh, man. This made me totally sad. She sees dead Eggs, and she collapses beside him all NO NO NO. It’s really awful. But honestly, Tara, did you think you’d get to keep him? That’s not how it works. I’m glad Eggs is gone, but sad for Tara because now she’s going to get all promiscuous and end up with crappy abusive vampire Franklin Mott. I MEAN…IGNORE ALL OF THAT. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. HA HA HA.

Back at Café du Cliffhanger, Sookie is gushing about how GREAT the food is, and she’s finishing up her dessert, and Bill tells her that he has another gift for her. So, raise your hands…who saw this coming? Bill pulls out some plane tickets, and Sookie looks at them and says WHERE IS BURLINGTON. This is when I screamed IT’S IN VERMONT because I have been to Burlington, and then I screamed OMG BECAUSE THEY CAN GET MARRIED THERE. Then Bill whips out the little ring box, and Sookie just stares at it like WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

Bill is like I LOVE YOU, YO. MARRY ME AND SHIT. Sookie starts crying and says that she’s been dreaming of that day since she was little, and her dreams, she always says yes. SO WHY CAN’T SHE SAY YES? Bill looks horrified, and I am horrified because THIS IS AWFUL. Bill picked absolutely the WORST time to propose, even though I feel as though his actions were genuine, and perhaps motivated by Sam’s little speech about guilt, but WHAT THE FUCK. Sookie starts blubbering and saying how her life is insane, so much has happened, and she doesn’t even know if she’s human OMG! Bill actually echoes my sentiments when he goes WHUT? Sookie keeps going on about how she might be a freak, and she’s only met one person like her and who knows where the hell Barry is, and OMG I WILL GET OLD AND UGLY AND YOU WILL STILL BE HOT. Bill speaks up and says he doesn’t care, that he wants her just like she is, but yeah, not helping. SOOKIE IS NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS!!

Then Bill looks as though he has been punched and says, “Are you saying no?” Sookie practically screams at him NO BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING. Then she runs off to the bathroom to clean herself up. OMG THE DRAMA. THIS SHOW HAZ IT. In the bathroom, Sookie is looking in the mirror, then she looks at the ring, then she looks at herself, and IT IS A LOOKING PARTY OF LOOKING LOOKS. But even as she is crying, the Bookie love theme is playing louder and louder, and she puts on the ring, and she gets this cheesy look on her face and this moment of realization that YES, YES, YES I WILL MARRY HIM.

TOO LATE, SOOKIE. For out in the restaurant, Bill is sitting there all LA LA LA, waiting for Sookie to come back and probably break his heart, when OH NOES! SOME BLACK GLOVED HANDS GET A SILVER CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK AND DRAG HIM AWAY! DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH.

Sookis is putting on some touch up lipstick, and she comes running out of the bathroom going YES, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU, but then she notices that Bill is GONE. The table is trashed, the door is wide open, and Sookie goes O.O and says, “Bill?”

CREDITS.

PHWOAR.

SO. This episode, like the whole season, had problems. Yes, a lot of problems. But really, I loved it. Season finales are never good. They are annoying and cliché, and they leave us with terrible cliffhangers, and this episode had all those things. BUT I LIKED IT.

To combat some of the things I saw last night, NO THIS EPISODE DID NOT NEED MOAR ERIC. Eric is a minor character in the books, and he’s actually a minor character on the show if you think about it. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY. HE DID NOT NEED TO SHOW UP AND RUIN BILL AND SOOKIE’S NIGHT. HE WAS NOT NEEDED. They did right in this episode and only had him a little bit as not to take away with the wrapping up of the storyline and moving into the new one. ERIC IS NOT ESSENTIAL TO EVERYTHING.

That being said, ending with Bill getting kidnapped…yes, it totally changes the dynamic of the third season in comparison to the book. They part on different terms, and yes, Bill gets kidnapped, but it’s not quite this same way.

STOP HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS.
Why was the person wearing gloves? To not get burned by the chain and to not show that she has pretty feminine fingernails. IT WAS NOT ERIC. At least, I don’t think it was. Eric would have just walked up in that bitch and been like YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. He wouldn’t have had to overpower him with silver at all. Lorena probably doesn’t have to either, being his maker, but it was much more dramatic, and Bill wouldn’t have been able to fight and make a ruckus. It’s likely that Eric called Lorena and told her where they were, but no, it was totally NOT Eric who kidnapped him.

Why didn’t Bill hear his attacker? It was a vampire, that’s why, and guess what, he was sleeping and Lorena was sitting on his bed like a CREEPER and he didn’t notice her until he woke up. Makers can sense their children, but children cannot sense their makers. This has already been proven. People have made the comment OH HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ERIC. Again, I say, Eric would not have snuck up on him. NOT ERIC.

LOVED that we got back to Our Gal Sook. LOVED IT. There were some really fantastic moments in this episode for a lot of characters. Overall, the season was good. Probably a seven for me, and I still liked the first season better. MUCH better. But we’re moving into probably one of the best books in the series with season three, so we’ll see what happens.

I’ll have a longer, more in depth round-up of the whole season, but for now, I will say I LOVE THIS SHOW, EVEN IF IT IS CRAP. HATERS TO THE LEFT. :D

And videos!

2009-09-02T12:12:00.003-04:00

Here are the newest projects I've been working on! All True Blood related, of course!!

Vlogtasia 06

True Blood crack!vid

True Blood Season 2 Episode 1 "Nothing But the Blood" Video Recap

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Frenzy" aka Even in Drag, Eric is Hot

2009-09-02T12:09:00.001-04:00

True Blood Season 2 “Frenzy”

Previously on True Blood…

Bon Temps is now Bone Temps, and that town is messed up LIK WO. Maryann made a meat tree, and Maxine turned into a Wii-playing maniac. Jason decides IT IS WAR, and the town is after Sam, who hides in a freezer with Andy. (Oh, yeah, and Sookie has a cousin named Hadley who disappeared from rehab. Or something.) Maryann PWNS Sookie, then Bill TRIES to PWN Maryann but gets PWNED for his trouble, but in the end Sookie PWNS Maryann with her magical Glowy Palm of Glowiness. Jason is HBIC and saves the day, and he, Sam, and Andy pretend to be the God Who Comes and fool the crazies when Sam shifts and disappears. Sookie and Bill team up to save Tara from the Black Eyes, and Bill realizes he needs help if they’re going to be Maryann. Jessica NOM NOMs Maxine, and Bill goes to see the Queen, but he walks in on OH NOES! A BLOODY FOOT!

So, we pick where we left off last week with Bill’s O.O face, and instead of the screams you might expect to hear when there is an OMG BLOODY FOOT, we hear OH OH OH of the sexy variety, and we see a redhead bent over the nether regions of a woman laying on a couch thing. WHUT? Bill looks vaguely uncomfortable as he says, “Is this a bad time?” Then we get the slow pan up the bloody leg, and Queen Sophie-Anne looks up and has a very disgusting bloody mouth, and her fangs looks TERRIBLE as she says THERE IS NO BAD AND THERE IS NO TIME. WANT SOME? Bill looks like he would rather chew glass, and woman on the couch goes OH one last time.

Credits. Whoa. Shortest intro ever. And I’m serious, Sophie-Anne’s fangs look like junk.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is still snacking on Maxine, and Maxine is like OOH YEAH BABY. Hoyt pulls Jessica away from her goes WTF CRAZY BITCH? Jessica says that Maxine was saying horrible things, so IT’S TOTALLY OKAY that she tried to eat her, and Hoyt looks at her like she IS crazy and says SHE IS MY MOM. SHE IS ALLOWED. WTF BORN IN A BARN WERE YOU? Which is SO true, isn’t it? Well, not the born in a barn part. Anyway, Jessica realizes at that moment that she has messed up BIG TIME, and she starts to quietly apologize. Hoyt goes to check on Maxine, and Maxine is like THAT WAS AWESOME. Jessica is still trying to make sure her boyfriend is still her boyfriend, but Hoyt points the FINGER OF DOOM at her and says OMG VAMPIRE BILL WAS RIGHT.

Maxine meanwhile is fluffing her hair and saying that she actually ENJOYED being savaged by a vampire, and Hoyt goes OMG THANKS JESS. MY MOM IS A WHORE NOW. He ushers Maxine out the front door, and what does Jessica do? Does she follow them and try to talk to Hoyt about what just happened? Does she apologize to Maxine? Does she at least try to clean the blood off of her chin? Nope, she doesn’t. She acts like what she is--a 17 year old girl--and she slams the door and SCREAMS and cries and goes AWRRGHH. Awesome, Jessica. I can see why everybody loves you.

Back at the Palace of the Eternally Tacky, Bill is sitting on the Couch of Awkward, looking exceedingly uncomfortable but still banging hot in his leather jacket. The bitey leg woman is laying on her Couch of Sexy watching Bill, and in between them is this hilariously small little pool. It looks like daytime in the room itself, and are those SANDCASTLES and SEA SHELLS I see in the background? *headdesk* Bill stands up respectfully as the Queen rejoins the party, and right away, I can see that she’s got a spot of blood on her breasty business, and it’s going to drive me crazy. The Queen says NO SEXY GIRL LEG BLOOD FOR YOU? GAY MUCH?

Then she calls Bill a snob and says how much she hates snobs and their small man-parts(?) and then she notices that stray spot of blood on her breasty business and she wipes it off and sticks her finger in her mouth like YUM. Only now the spot is smeared, and THIS SCENE IS RUINED FOR ME because I will not be able to pay attention to ANYTHING except that smear of blood on the Queen’s supposed upper girl parts. I say supposed because AHAHA she so obviously has the chicken cutlets in, and if you are reading this, and you are a less-endowed girl, don’t get angry. We girls with huge upper girl parts secretly envy you.

ANYWAY. The Queen looks down at sexy girl on the couch and goes GTFO. Sexy girl leaves, and the Queen asks if Bill has eaten anything. Bill says no, and Sophie-Anne tells him she got a new Latvian boy on her court that Bill simply MUST try. Then he goes on about how he’s not polluted like other humans, and how the boy tastes like people did right after she was turned, until the Industrial Revolution “fucked everything to hell.” (Wait WHUT? Are they trying to say she’s less than 300 years old? HI NO. Or am I misunderstanding? The Queen is a little older than Eric in the books, but this is the SHOW after all and the SHOW doesn’t care about source material.) It is with that sentence that my hatred for Sophie-Anne is sealed. I don’t like the actress, and I don’t like this portrayal. I KNOW, I KNOW THESE AREN’T THE BOOKS. But Sophie-Anne in the books is amazing--she’s regal, she’s proper, she’s a freaking 1100 year old badass vampire queen who looks 15 years old and conducts herself with class. THIS WHORE that we’re seeing…YEAH, NO. So yes, Alan Ball, you have annoyed me. BIG TIME.

ANYWAY, Bill politely declines the Queen’s offer of Latvian boys, and Bill looks as though he just wants to run screaming from the room, and he asks her HI, how do I kill a maenad? The Queen goes UM, SCUSE? Bill says YEAH, and he tells her that Bon Temps is now zombie town, and Sophie-Anne says that means Maryann is old. Then she mentions that all the maenads are old, and Bill brings up his learnin’ from the BIG BOOK OF PLOT POINT, and the Queen says HI BEFORE THAT. Then she says ORGIES? SACRIFICE? CANNIBALS? Bill says YEAAHHH…and Sophie-Anne goes FUN! Then she proceeds to read some old Vogue magazine. Bill goes UH, HELLO? How do I kill it?

The Queen gives him the bad news that he can’t kill it. Apparently, since Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, that means she’s is. WHAT? It’s as easy as that? HEY GUYS I’M IMMORTAL AND TOTALLY RICH AND SKINNY. Guess what? That means I am! Bill is just as confused as we are, and Sophie-Anne goes REALLY, WILLIAM? Then she proceeds to give us a history lesson as she puts on even MORE make-up than she already has on which is LIKE, A LOT. She tells Bill to imagine he’s a wild young girl (BWUAHA) who is married to a douche that is also doing a 14 year old boy. I guess this is how maenads came to be. They were all sad housewives who dreamed of having sex in the mud, and then they were immortal. WHUT? Okay, it’s more than that. Sophie-Anne says that some religion came along that told them to get drunk and sleep with everybody, and Bill says SOUNDS GOOD. The part about this scene that I don’t like is the elitist dismissal of a religion, but I’ll skip that soap box for now.

Anyway, the Queen says that the maenads took the next logical steps--killing stuff--because it brought them closer to the divine. Bill goes THAT BE CRAZY, YO, and Sophie-Anne gives us at least one good quote--”Never underestimate the power of blind faith.” TRUFAX. Bill mentions that when he bit Maryann he got poisoned, and the Queen says DUH because vampires can only drink human blood, and Maryann is nothing even remotely human. Bill brings up that she started out human, and Sophie-Anne counters with the fact that so did vampires. Bill looks all broody over this point, and Sophie-Anne checks her watch, lamenting that dawn is only two hours away. Then she casually says, “Shall we have sex?” Bill cuts his eyes over to her like this -_- and Sophie-Anne goes OMG KIDDING. I’M TOTES GAY FOR THE MOMENT.

Bill then gets up and starts to leave, but Sophie-Anne is like OH, PLEASE STAY. Bill complains, but she says OMG SOOKIE IS FINE, and Bill STILL protests, but then she goes OMG I INSIST and she gives him crazy bitch eyes, and so he wisely sits back down. RUH-ROH. Then she looks around and says that Bill hasn’t told her if he likes her new day room. Bill sort of looks around and goes “It’s lovely” in a voice that says he agrees with me in the notion that it is THE MOST HIDEOUS ROOM EVER. I can say that because I HAVE A LIGHTHOUSE BATHROOM, so I KNOW HIDEOUS.

Back at Lafayette’s International House of Crazy, Tara is pacing around and whining about going to get Eggs, and it’s obvious that Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae have had ENOUGH. Sookie says that they’ll go once Bill gets back with his maybe kinda possible information about how to beat Maryann. Tara reminds Sookie that she has risked her life 8 billion times for Bill so how come she can’t? All the cool girls are doing it! Lettie Mae says it’s better if she doesn’t go, and then we hear wild screams from outside, and Lafayette says that Maryann is a-comin’ for Tara, and he runs into his bedroom and gets a big ass gun.

Tara continues to plead her case that’s she’s finally found a strong (murderer), beautiful (homophobic), good (MURDERER) man who loves her, and how do you think she’ll feel if something bad happens to him! Lafayette brings up the fact that Eggs beat Tara up, and yes, I do agree that it wasn’t entirely Eggs fault, but still. Lettie Mae goes WTF, and Tara tries to explain, but it’s no use. YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO DRUG ADDICTS WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY NEED MORE DRUGS. Sookie and Co. know this. Lafayette decides the only way is by force, and he tells Sookie to get the handcuffs out of his back pocket. Sookie pulls them out, and they have PURPLE FUR, and Sookie goes o.O. Lafayette handcuffs Tara to his coffee table, and that’s when Tara shows her true colors. In the span of 30 seconds, she calls Lafayette a fucking freak who will never find love, tells Lettie Mae she doesn’t want her to be happy because she never was, and tells Sookie she had to settle for a dead man.

WHOA. TARA. Sookie’s response is the appropriate one, and she says, “Wow, that’s supposed to get me on your side?” Tara, you are walking on thin ice with me. I warn you. The screaming starts up again outside, and Lafayette decides to go stand on guard duty in case Maryann shows up. Sookie asks him if he thinks she will, and Lafayette replies, “All I know is if it’s supernatural, and it wants you, it ain’t gon wait for you to come to it.” LIKE ERIC, YOU MEAN? LAFAYETTE, DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ERIC? Sookie’s like TRU DAT, and when Tara gives her the evil eye, she decides to go outside with Lafayette. Lettie Mae sits down on the couch and starts busting out crying, and I’m with Tara for a moment when Tara says OMFG REALLY?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Team Bromance are discussing Sam’s ability to shape shift, so I guess THAT’s different from the books. HI, remember the big reveal in Book 9? Whatever. Jason thinks that Sam being a shifter is awesome, but Andy is like HELLO? MAENAD TO KILL? (It’s hilarious to point out that Sam says he has to IMPRINT on an animal to shift into it, and I die a little inside. IMPRINT? Gag me.) Sam tells Andy that they can’t deal with Maryann. Jason asks about going and getting the police, and Andy says HI POLICE, and then realizing that Andy is the sucky police, he says that THEY have to be the police. He says he read a book about it. He says that this is “Armageddon” and it’s “the oral history of the zombie war.” WORLD WAR Z REFERENCE FTW. You have no idea how pleased I was when I heard that! Anyway, that means that they need guns. A LOT of guns.

Sam breaks in and says HI she is IMMORTAL, and the devil zombies are the townspeople, so they can’t start killing them, though really, a lot of them could get killed and I wouldn’t be sad. Jason gets all deep and says something like “sometimes you have to destroy something to save it” and according to him, that’s in the Bible or the Constitution. OH, JASON. I LOVE YOU. Just then, there is some whispering outside, and Sam turns to see two little heads peeking up into his window. They’re Arlene’s kids (I know because I have DVR and I paused it to see), and Sam goes chasing after them as they run into the woods. They finally come out when Sam calls them, and they ask him if their mom is there, and HI, will he make them some lunch because they’re starving. It’s a really sad moment because YEAH I never stopped to think about the fact that all the devil zombies have kids, and WHO IS WATCHING THOSE KIDS.

Jason and Andy come outside and tell Sam that they’re going to the sheriff’s department to get some guns, and Sam reminds them that they are idiots. Jason says WHATEVS, and Sam says YOU WILL GET YOURSELF KILLED. Jason does not care. Andy has a moment of hesitation, but Jason reminds Andy that he has been to A LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE, and so that makes him qualified to make decisions. Sam just says WHATEVER, IDIOT, and yes, it’s true. The short-lived Team Bromance is breaking up. Jason got Andy in the divorce, and Sam just goes WHATEVER some more and takes Arlene’s kids into the bar while Jason RUNS INTO A TREE, and then he and Andy get in the truck and drive away.

Back at Ruby Ridge, Lafayette is standing guard on the porch acting like a squirrel on meth, and Sookie is sitting at a little table going PLEASE SIT DOWN. She gets a text on her phone from Bill, but it came FIVE HOURS AGO OMG, and as she checks it, she mentions that she will be getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette goes O.O YOU ARE WORKING FOR MY BOYFRIEND ERIC? Sookie says yes and then notes that the text says Bill isn’t coming home, and Lafayette says, “Well, then I guess we better not plan on him saving us.” YES, THAT IS A GOOD BET. I love you, Bill, but you do have a tendency to get sidetracked and held hostage by crazy bitches.

Inside the house, we launch into probably the worst scene in the history of this show. Tara is trying to persuade Lettie Mae to let her out by saying all kinds of terrible things that she knows will get to her mother. She starts talking about Jesus and the Devil, and IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU’LL DO THIS. I just want to SCREAM. Tara is on my shitlist for this episode. I cannot BELIEVE she would lower herself to this point FOR A MAN. She is doing all of this FOR A MAN. This shows how truly pathetic Tara is. She is so starved for love and attention that she will alienate her friends, emotionally destroy and manipulate her mother, and risk her life FOR A MAN. That is not love. That is INSANITY. Fuck this. Tara says all kinds of mean things, and so Lettie Mae drops down and starts to pray as Tara starts to cry. Whatever.

Outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head, and Sookie gets all distant and glassy-eyed and says it was a CRAZY PLACE, YO where anything can happen and you can feel your guts getting bigger and there’s an emptying feeling, and IT IS GREAT AND TERRIBLE. And Lafayette is like SIGN ME UP.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is feeding Arlene’s kids, and they ask him what’s wrong with their mom. How do you explain to kids that their mom is a devil zombie that just wants to have sex and cut out hearts? Sam doesn’t. He just says that Arlene’s not feeling well, and he asks the kids if Arlene has been sick in front of them, and they say SHE IS NOT SICK, SHE IS CRAZY. They mention her kissing Terry and doing “other gross stuff” and that alarms me, and then they ask Sam if they can get her a doctor or somebody to fix her, and Sam goes UH, WELL, and that is when the boy kid goes LIKE A VAMPIRE. And the girl kid goes YEAH LIKE VAMPIRE BILL. Now, why these kids think a vampire would know what to do, I don’t know but I don’t care because HA HA HA, Sam still thinks that Bill is in Dallas, and there is only ONE OTHER vampire he knows. BWUAHAHA. (But wait, how does he know Eric? From that one time he came into the bar and roughed up the customers and passed out coupons? This makes them BFFs?) WHATEVER. IT MEANS ERIC.

Back on the Porch of Girltalk, Sookie asks Lafayette how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever. When Sookie asks how that is possible, Lafayette says HI My Boyfriend MADE me drink his blood. Sookie goes OMG ME TOO HE TRICKED ME. Lafayette says, “Somebody need to slap that bitch.”

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE RIGHT THERE. LAFAYETTE IS THE WINNER.

Sookie mentions that she did slap him, and then she casually asks him if he’s had any, oh, I don’t know, dreams about Eric. Lafayette goes O.O and asks her how she could know that. (YAY! They closed a plot hole that everybody will not stop talking about! You got your answers, NOW SHUT IT.) Sookie asks him what kind of dreams they are, and Lafayette goes HE IS IN MY BRAIN AND THEY ARE SEXY SEXY DREAMS. That fact scares the crap out of him because he HATES Eric. Riiiight. Lettie Mae comes busting out of the house crying just then, and tells them that Tara is saying horrible things, so she wants to keep guard instead of watching Tara.

It’s at this point that I started screaming at my TV going DON’T DO IT! Nobody ever listens to me though, and after some witty banter about how Lettie Mae was the one who taught Lafayette how to shoot so YES she can handle a gun, Lafayette turns it over. Just as soon as he does, Lettie Mae yells GOT THE GUN, TARA, and Sookie and Lafayette go *FACEPALM* Lettie Mae tells them they’re going to let Tara out, and when they refuse, she fires the gun into the air, which sends Lafayette cowering behind a lawn chair into another PTSD freak out. Sookie practically molests him as she attempts to comfort him, and she goes LETTIE MAE WTF? She tells Sookie she has a chance to win her daughter back, so she is going to take it, so OMFG GO UNLOCK HER. Sookie goes to get the keys, and she notices an exceptionally large ashtray within grabbing distance, but she leaves it be and goes into the house to let Tara go.

When she does, Lafayette is left alone, and then…THEN…OMFG, my dears, THEN. Remember that time that Andy Bellfleur was yelling at Lafayette, and Lafayette started to hallucinate? YES? WELL THEN, BUCKLE UP, BITCHES. THAT SHIT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

Lafayette turns back, and ERIC IS WEARING LETTIE MAE’S CLOTHES. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. Eric is standing there, in Lettie Mae’s clothes, with Lettie Mae’s voice, holding the gun, and Lafayette goes O.O as we go OMFG BWUAHAHA. On a personal note, I go PHWOAR because OMG ASKARS ARMS. HIS MUSCLEY, ONLY SLIGHTLY HAIRY, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT ARMS.

*THUD*

It’s really interesting how Askars can make his mouth look like he’s saying the lines JUST like Lettie Mae says them, just like he did when he was Eric!Andy. It’s just blows me away, and it shows that Askars is the best, most greatest, wonderful man in the universe. Anyway, Eric!Mae starts talking about how Lafayette’s mom hates him, and how he won’t let Lafayette keep him and Tara apart, but then it turns into Eric‘s voice, and he says, “And that’s why I’m gonna hafta kill you.” And he cocks the gun …

…AND MY SOUTHERN BELLE OVARIES ASPLODE. GUNS MAKE US WANT TO HAVE BABIES. It‘s a genetic flaw. SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRES with GUNS in DRAG make us want to leave our families and our homes and our jobs and join a commune of faithful worshippers of said magnificent creature, where we promise to have his VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE BABIES, even though they will karate chop their way out of our bellies and probably be drunk and wear horns and try to kill us. WE DO NOT CARE. WE WILL DO IT FOR HIM, OUR HOLY MASTER--ERIC, KING OF ALL THE WORLD.

Back now. He crouches down and aims the gun with his cheek all resting against it so cute-like, and then Eric looks so sweet and tells Lafayette that he thought he wanted to be a vampire, and how he feels with his blood inside him (PHWOAR) is how it feels to be a vampire, but it’s like that x A MILLION. Then he says “Goodbye, sweetheart.” I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD.

LOOK! I’m the savior for I have risen from the dead to give you my HOLY WORD. (Bwuaha, blasphemy is HILARIOUS. :D) Tara and Sookie come out of the house then, and Sookie goes WTF DID YOU DO TO HIM as Lafayette is freaking out more than ever, and she goes back over to molest comfort him. Tara takes off to get in the car, but she has to stop and come back and get Sookie’s keys, giving Sookie the opportunity to tell her that she’s a fucking idiot. Tara gets in Sookie’s car and takes off at top speed to go save Eggs.

At the same time, what’s left of Team Bromance is pulling up in front of the sheriff’s office, and Jason is asking if Andy thinks Sam ever turned into a dog and did it with a girl dog, and Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. Everlee Mason is running across the lawn of the place in her underwear, and then Andy is like WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN. They go inside and find that secretary girl who is a black-eyed crazy, and all she wants to do is get it on with Jason. Jason agrees, and Andy goes SRSLY? But Jason reveals it’s just his plan to keep the whore busy while Andy goes and gets the guns. Riiiiight.

Andy goes into the back and starts getting the guns out of the weapons locker, but then OH NOES! Somebody starts shooting at him! Andy turns around and IT’S SHERIFF BUD…in his underwear. He asks Andy to dance with him, and then they proceed to start square dancing until Bud says he has to go do number 2 and runs off. Andy goes WTF and then ZOMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL.

Back at Lafayette’s PTSD Recovery Center for the Terminally Fabulous, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is freaking out, and Sookie screams HE IS TRAUMATIZED. Lettie Mae says OMG ME TOO. Then Sookie starts whispering in Lafayette’s ear and tells him when she makes her move, he needs to get the gun when Lettie Mae drops it. Lafayette agrees, and Sookie convinces Lettie Mae to lower the gun. When she does, Sookie picks up that big ashtray from earlier and chucks it right at Lettie Mae’s head. She drops the gun, Lafayette gets it, and they run off and get into Lafayette’s car. Lettie Mae just keeps screaming IT’S NOT MY FAULT from the porch. YES, IT IS. But really, couldn’t Sookie have hit her in the stomach or something? The head? That’s cold, Sook.

Now we see that Sam is sitting with Arlene’s kids in his car outside of Fangtasia. WIN. The girl kid starts asking if Sam knows their dad, and this whole part makes me really uncomfortable, but we find out that the kids’ dad was named Dwayne and that he tattooed Arlene’s name on his stomach. I SMELL FORESHADOWING. Just then, Sam sees Ginger heading into Fangtasia in her hooker heels and coochie-cutter shorts, and he jumps out and runs up to her. This, of course, makes Ginger scream her hilarious scream, and has she always been covered with gross vampire bites? I’ve never noticed it before. Anyway, Sam tells her that he needs to see Eric, and Ginger says DUH he won’t be here until after dark, and Sam goes -_- but bribes Ginger into letting him and the kids come inside to wait. YES, BRING THOSE KIDS INTO ANOTHER BAR, SAM. Fantastic baby-sitting.

Now we’re traveling down the Back Roads of CGI Fail, and Lafayette is like this O.O driving the car and holding the gun, and Sookie finally says that he has to SUCK IT UP, and if the time comes, he has to shoot Maryann IN THE HEAD. Got that? SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD.

Back at the House Formerly Known as Sookie’s, Tara is creeping up into the place, and she sees Eggs sitting at the table. She rushes over to him, but OH NOES, he still has the black eyes. She tries to get him to leave with her, but TOO LATE. Maryann shows up and goes O HAI. Tara tells her to let them go, but Maryann goes UM, NO, you called me. Apparently, when Tara got the exorcism, that Mini-Tara was actually Maryann because Tara summoned her, and Lady VooDoo wasn‘t the vessel but she had to try anyway. Um, WHUT? Is anybody else buying this? Let’s just let this one go, shall we?

Tara freaks out, but Maryann decides to do the hippy hippy shake. Tara puffs out her chest and tells Maryann that won’t work on her anymore. Maryann then decides to take another route, and she reaches back and punches Tara right in the face. OH NOES, it works because Tara has the black eyes again, and she hugs Maryann like YAY I’M HOME, and Tara and Eggs run off together, reunited in their Black-Eyed Crazies love. *SIGH*

Just then, Terry, Arlene, Creepy Mike Spencer, Jane Bodehouse, and some random skank come in, and they are carrying Sam’s clothes, and they go YAY! WE DID IT! Maryann stops and goes DID WHAT? And they say that the God Who Comes came! WOOOO! Naturally, Maryann says WHAT? They tell her all about the Jason!God and how he smote Sam, and all that’s left of Sam is his clothes! YAY! Maryann then looks as though she is going to eat every single one of them and she goes OMFG IDIOTS, and then she makes this crazy sound that even makes MY teeth hurt through the screen, and all of the devil zombies go running for their lives. Maryann then says OMFG NOW I HAVE TO DO IT.

Back at the Crazy Town Sheriff’s Department, Jason is trying to talk to Random Skank about weapons, but all she wants to do is blow him. *headdesk* Jason says he would never take advantage of a woman who was all messed up, but their hilarious conversation is interrupted when some random cop sticks a gun to the back of Jason’s head and suggests they play Russia roulette. Luckily, Andy comes to save the day, but then HE GETS SHOT FOR HIS TROUBLE. ANDY…NOOO! Jason wrestles the gun away from Random Cop Kevin and prepares to shoot him to avenge the death of his beloved Andy when beloved Andy goes YAY NOT DEAD and shows him the Kevlar vest he wisely put on. YAY! Jason asks if there’s one for him, but Andy says no.

Judging by the sight of some HILARIOUS old pictures, we are back at Maxine Fortenberry’s House of Horrible Cooking, and she is making some insane dish for “the big day.” That dish includes potato chips, Snickers bars, and what looks like cheese. Then she adds hot sauce, and we throw up a little. Hoyt is like WTF MOM, and he tells her that she is not going anywhere, and that was obviously the wrong thing to say. It’s terrible exposition time for Hoyt, and Maxine tells him a slew of awful things, including how his dad was NOT killed defending his family from a burglar. He killed himself, actually, and Maxine lied so they’d get insurance money. Poor Hoyt. We can label him traumatized now.

Back at Casa de Naked Dancing Guy, Sookie and Lafayette are watching the house from a distance, and Sookie is going on about how all of the people are defiling Gran by being in the house and being naked and crazy. She then makes one of the worst comments I’ve ever heard (thank you Alan Ball for that beautiful bit of writing) and she says that almost getting raped in Dallas was not as bad as people messing up her house. WHUT. Lafayette tries to comfort her by saying that the people aren’t themselves, and then Sookie says she should have known because Maryann was thinking weird foreign thoughts the first time they met. She asks Lafayette why people suck and do terrible things, and Lafayette tells her it’s because people are weak. Sookie then has this beautiful moment where she becomes everything we have wanted her to be, and she tells Lafayette that she is NOT weak, and she is NOT afraid, and it is time for AN ASS-KICKING.

Then of course that moment is ruined when we see Arlene and Terry in a tree, and Arlene says they are trespassing, and they have to pay a fine. The two of them jump out of the tree like freaking NINJAS, and Arlene says the fine is “100 million dollars and your pants” as she points to Sookie, and she and Terry advance on them. Guess what? Drug dealer Lafayette to the rescue! He throws a bag of prescription medication at them like chicken feed, and Sookie escapes and runs into the house. Arlene and Terry are really hilarious in this scene even as they are terrible.

HAPPY HOUR AT FANGTASIA and Eric is…a Playgirl model? BWUAHA, WTF? He’s like stretched out on some bench all HEY BABY BABY, but he’s wearing a suit, so we can forgive him. In fact, I will be perfectly willing to be impregnated with his children on that couch. Pam, on the other hand, BWUAHAHA. WHAT THE HELL? I have NO idea what she is wearing. It’s like some sparkly vinyl jumpsuit thing, and her hair and make-up are atrocious, and for the first time, Pam looks a bit haggard. Whatever, she is still HBIC.

Anyway, Sam is there with the kids, and he is like HELP, and Eric asks him why he should help a shifter. Sam says that someday he might be able to give him something he needs. Eric immediately goes CAN YOU GIVE ME SOOKIE, and Pam rolls her eyes while Sam goes EWW, NO. Arlene’s kids are watching Eric like this O.O, and Eric leans forward and tells Sam that he’s not known for his vampire friendly attitude. Sam says HELLO the world is about to end in Bon Temps, so it’s time to start trusting each other. (Eric is the LAST person anyone should trust, actually.) Eric finally relents and says that he doesn’t know the maenad, but it must be the Bull Man Thing. Pam mentions that it owes her a pair of shoes. Sam says HELP THEN? Eric says he might know somebody who MIGHT be able to help. MIGHT. (Um, the Queen? Thanks for joining the party, Eric!)

Arlene’s boy kid suddenly goes CAN WE SEE YOUR FANGS, and Eric pops a fang for them. (His fangs are so pretty, UNLIKE Sophie-Anne’s fangs of fail.) Girl kid is like EEP, and Eric’s like DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES? And he’s staring at her in a creeper way, and Sam goes ERIC WTF. Girl kid says that their almost-step dad didn’t like them, but they do. Pam chimes in and says that they make her glad she never had any kids. BWUAHA, Pam. Eric goes “Come on, Pam, they’re funny!” AND THEN HE CALLS THEM TEA CUP HUMANS AND WRINKLES HIS NOSE. *THUD*

Eww, but then…then…Pam starts talking in Swedish, and she says, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” And Eric responds, “But delicious.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Try to gloss that one over, you crazy rabid Eric fan girls! HE LIKES TO EAT BABIES.

ANYWAY. Sam is like HI CALL THAT BITCH, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has leave right away, so he’ll walk Sam out. Pam starts yelling about how she’ll smell the kids for a week, and Eric is like AHAHA. Out in the parking lot, Sam is like SO CALL ME SOME TIME, and Eric says he’ll let him know what he finds out. Then he bends down and looks at Arlene’s kids and says, “Goodnight, tiny humans” and winks at them. And then he takes off and FUCKING FLIES AWAY. FLYING ERIC. Except it was sort of lame because we didn’t really see him fly so much as take off, and he looked like Superman, so honestly, FAIL. Not impressed at all. Arlene’s kids are, though, and Sam is like OMG LET’S GO, and he looks seriously creeped out.

Back at Casa de Crazy House, Sookie is creeping up on the house, and she sees Jane Bodehouse who is singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” but she’s saying “Lo, Lo Bromios” and it is HILARIOUS. That is until she turns around and shows Sookie what she was doing, which is CUTTING OFF HER OWN FINGER. WHUT? Sookie walks past that crazy into the kitchen where she finds a naked guy taking a bath in her sink, and Creepy Mike Spencer grabs her leg and tries to molest her while saying creepy things like, “Remember when your Gran was laying here, all bloody and dead?” OMG WTF IS THIS NIGHTMARE. When Sookie tries to escape, the crazies start yelling like lunatics, so Sookie changes tactics, and she says SHHHH, and she actually LAYS DOWN AND SPOONS WITH MIKE SPENCER who continues to be very, very creepy. Excuse me while I go and throw up.

Finally, we get back to the beach…OH WAIT, it’s NOT the beach. It’s Sophie-Anne’s House of Fail, and she, Bill, and some random girl I assume to be Hadley--yes, Sookie’s cousin Hadley--are all in their bathing suits by the pool. AHAHA WHAT IS THIS SHOW? There are a bunch of people in various states of undress on the other side of the pool, and we can assume this is her “court.” I really despise how this portrayal of her is so cheapening the awesome way that Charlaine Harris has set up the vampire government. Sophie-Anne is in a position of power, someone who is to be respected because she governs her people fairly and keeps the peace. Instead, we see a decadent, self-absorbed trendy BRAT, and I could SCREAM. ANYWAY.

Sophie-Anne asks Bill what he’s in the mood for, and Bill goes NONE FOR ME THANKS. The Queen says she needs him in top form FOR THEIR YAHTZEE GAME, and then Bill casually mentions he only drinks from Sookie. Hadley looks up when he says that, so I’m guessing that she didn’t know about Bill and Sookie, and the Queen goes WTF? WHY? She calls over who I assume is the Latvian boy, and Bill is like OMG I HAVE TO GO, but the Queen tells Bill DRINK, and Latvian boy blinks cutely at Bill and says, “I will have the sex with you.” BWUAHAHAHA. Oh, Show, you slightly redeem yourself. Bill finally gives in and bites the kid, and the Queen is like PHWOAR MAN-SEX.

Back at Casa de Meat Tree, Lafayette is creeping up to the house, when suddenly, OH NOES, Maryann and Carl show up behind him. Maryann’s talk about some crap herb or something, and Lafayette is like I KEEL YOU BITCH, but Maryann just keeps on coming, and so Lafayette pulls the trigger. Only…Maryann puts up her hand and deflects the bullet…RIGHT INTO CARL’S HEAD. NOOOO! CARL!! Sadness. Lafayette is like O.O, and Maryann goes HMM, YOU COOK, RIGHT? AHHHH! NOOO! LAFAYETTE!!

It’s YAHTZEE time, and the Queen hates threes, and finally, Bill has had enough. He gets up to go, and as he does, the Queen starts in about maenads and what they are all about. Apparently, they’re trying to call for the God Who Comes, but they’ve been sucking at it for centuries because they can’t get the right recipe and they need just the right vessel. The best vessel, obviously, is a shape shifter or a were because maenads don’t want vampires due to their lack of a beating heart. Anyway, when this God That Comes shows up, he will ravish and devour the maenad and that’s their ultimate goal. HI WHUT? The important part of this story is that the only time that Maryann can be killed is when she willingly surrenders herself to the God Who Comes AND now it’s obvious why Maryann has been after Sam. HE IS THE VESSEL! OH NOES!

Just then, some random bodyguard WHO BETTER NOT BE ANDRE, interrupts the party, and Hadley and Bill have a chat. Hadley asks how Sookie is, and Bill tells her she’s great, and then Hadley asks about Gran, and Bill goes YEAH, UM. It’s a terribly awkward and ironic moment, and I love the show for it. The Queen comes back and says that Eric is there, and Bill goes -_- TIME TO GO. Then Sophie-Anne makes me like her for about five seconds when she says, “This alpha male posturing…you two really should just fuck each other and get it over with.”

AHAHAHAHAHAH I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR MONTHS.

On Bill’s way out, the Queen is like CAN’T WAIT TO MEET SOOKIE, and Bill goes -_-. Uh ohs. As Bill is heading out the door, Eric is heading in, and Bill goes WHY ARE YOU HERE, and ERIC HAS MESSED UP CRAZY HAIR. I AM DEAD AGAIN. Eric says he’s there to figure out how to kick a maenad’s ass, and Bill is like WHY? SO SOOKIE WILL LOVE YOU? Eric just casually fixes his hair as he asks “Billy” if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill goes NO, LAME-O. He says it’s desperate that Eric would trick her into drinking his blood just she’d find him attractive, and Eric goes AHAHA LIKE YOU? AND Bill did it the first night they met. First Bill goes WTF HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? Eric doesn’t answer that question, and Bill counters with saying he did it to save her life. “Isn’t that convenient,” Eric answers.

Uh oh, it’s about to be a catfight. Bill says STAY AWAY FROM SOOKIE, and then he pulls out the trump card, that one I mentioned last week. Bill tells Eric to stay away or he’ll tell the Queen about Eric having humans sell V for him. Eric goes VERY still and he has a hint of an OH SHIT look in his eyes. “You wouldn’t,” he answers, and Bill says, “I won’t as long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.” Eric reminds Bill that he doesn’t like threats, and Bill says ME EITHER and he dramatically stalks away, leaving Eric to go o.O and walk into the Palace of Tacky. Guys, I have to say…Bill won that round. No doubt about it.

Somewhere on the edge of Sookie’s property, Jason and Andy pull up, and they eat Special K bars (HEY, I EAT THOSE) for carbs. Then we get down to it. We find out the reason that Andy hates Jason. It’s because Jason has had it easy--football, popularity, women. And Jason is like OMFG WTF? He has knee problems, he has to work out and watch porn to learn sex abilities. Jason smacks him down and tells Andy all about how horrible his life has been--dead parents, no money, murdered girlfriend, etc. Jason says it doesn’t matter if they like each other, though. They have received the calling to save the town, and that is why they have to bury the hatchet. Then the Bromantic Duo make up and decide that the town full of crazies are still American crazies, and that means something, so they clasp hands, they get their weapons, and they move out.

Over at the Trailer of the Vessel, Sam is sitting on his steps looking all pensive, and then out of nowhere, Bill vampires up and looks at him in a very Edward Cullen-stalker type way. Sam just goes O.O Hmmm…

Back in the Kitchen of Molestation, Creepy Mike Spencer is still being creepy and molesting Sookie, but Sookie has had enough of this. She tells him to skip the foreplay so they can just do it, but she wants to be on top. Creepy Mike Spencer is like HEY BABY BABY as Sookie climbs on top of him, but he is like UGH UGH UGH when Sookie grabs a pot and beans him on the head with it. SOOKIE FTW! She goes up stairs and peeks into Tara’s bedroom, but it’s not Tara she finds. It’s some guy wearing one of her dresses who says, “Too much?” Sookie just closes the door because WHUT and then she hears glass breaking from up the hall. Naturally, she follows the noise of violence and death, and what she finds is Tara and Eggs in Gran’s old room, and they are breaking EVERYTHING and the room is a mess. It makes me so SAD that they’re breaking Gran’s stuff, and when Sookie is like WTF Tara says it’s for the nest.

The nest? WTF IS THE NEST?

Oh, it turns out the nest is ACTUALLY A NEST, and it’s on the bed and there is a HUGE egg inside of it. OMGWTF? Did Tara lay that egg? WHERE DID THAT EGG COME FROM? And more importantly, WHAT IS GOING TO HATCH OUT OF IT? Nobody said anything about an egg!

Just then, Sookie feels a tap on her shoulder, and she turns around as Lafayette says, “Where you been at?” OH NOES! HE HAS THE BLACK EYES! Sookie feels like we do, and she just screams her fool head off as we go to credits.

AHAHAH, WTF?

I won’t even go into the preview for next week except to say SOPHIE-ANN BETTER NOT TRY TO FUCK ERIC, AND ERIC BETTER NOT TRY FUCK HER BACK. THAT IS ALL I AM SAYING.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"New World In My View" aka Maryann Even makes Bill throw-up

2009-08-24T12:16:00.002-04:00

Previously on True Blood...

Luke goes nuke, Eric is a big faker and tricks Sookie into drinking his blood, which makes Bill look like he’s going to throw up, then Sookie starts having SEXY SEXY dreams about Eric and Bill knocks the holy hell out of Eric for said tricksy business. Maryann goes to get Sam out of jail, but Sam gets Sam out of jail first, and Maryann is NOT happy. Hoyt wants Jessica to meet his mom, and yeah…that doesn’t go well. Lafayette and Lettie Mae go and kidnap Tara from Maryann, after a round of beat downs. Godric reveals that he (stupidly) gave himself to the FotS, NanFlan fires him, and Godric decides that the best way to make up for his mistakes IS TO KILL HIMSELF. *headdesk* Maryann shows up and tells the whole town BRING ME SAM, LIKE, NOW, and everybody, including Hoyt’s mom gets the Black Eyes. Sam flies (AHAH GET IT) over to Andy’s hotel room, and Andy decides that Sam being naked on his doorstep isn’t weird at all and lets him in. Eric cries like a bitch, Godric lays the Maker’s Mark on him, and Sookie stays up on the roof to watch Godric die, which is probably one of the lamest moments of this show so far, as he disappears into a puff of blue sparkly flames, and Sookie goes like this ;_;

So, we’re following Sookie down the longest hallway ever, and I suppose they had to get their money’s worth because she’s STILL wearing the picnic blanket dress. Though, she does look really really pretty in this scene. Anyway, the music is all dramatico, and she’s creeping up on a room where the door is open a little, and inside that room, is Eric who is all shirtless and hunched over, and…CRYING EVEN MORE. Really? REALLY, SHOW? Anyway, he’s crying, or at least he has been crying A LOT because there are bloody tear tracks all over his face and down his chest, and he just looks like HELL for the first time EVER in his freaking LIFE. He sort of looks all blank and zombie-like and says, “Godric is gone.” Um, yeah, he is. Gone in a big flash of sparkly blue lameness, Big E. Sookie says she knows and that she’s sorry, and then she sort of reaches down and puts her hand under Eric’s chin and makes him look up at her.

THEN SHE KISSES HIS BLOODY CHEEKS. WHUT? It’s supposed to be sweet, but honestly, all I could think was YOU ARE KISSING DRIED BLOOD. EWW, GROSS. Eric sort of looks uncomfortable for a moment as she is doing this, but then as she starts to pull away, he grabs her and pulls her back. PHWOAR. They sort of do some face nuzzling, and then they start kissing…well, Sookie starts trying to eat his upper lip, anyway. Oh, yes, how romantic. Kissing someone who is COVERED WITH BLOOD. So very sexy and romantic. Anyway, Eric lays her back on the bed, and then pops a fang. Did you ever notice that ASkars wrinkles his nose in an absolutely adorable manner when he pops a fang?
SEE?

OMG it's so cute that it almost distracts me from the weirdness of this scene. Which only gets weirder as Sookie stares up at him, and then she reaches up and touches his fang. Hello, Sookie, personal space, please? That just seems a bit intrusive, don’t you think? Plus, it’s sort of hilarious. Anyway, she’s all like OOH PRETTY FANG, and Eric is kind of like GUUUUUH when she touches it, and then she turns her head like the big neck whore she is so that he can bite her, which is when I realize that this is another dream because HI NO.

And, it is, and Sookie wakes up all O.O, and she’s riding in some kind of van with Jason who goes o.O and asks her what she was dreaming about. Turns out they’re in some sort of airport van thing, and Bill is behind them in the back in his Anubis Air pod, and they’re on their way back to Bon Temps. Jason starts talking about how when he used to go away on football trips and when he got back home, things weren’t like he left them. Sookie reminds us that she’s a little sheltered girl who has never left home before, and Jason starts to say something else, but then he goes O.O, and we hear an alarm going off somewhere outside the van and its elevator music which is playing softly in the background.

HOLY CRAP the sign that says WELCOME TO BON TEMPS now says WELCOME TO BONE TEMPS, complete with a penis drawn on it and the words FUCK OFF. Oh, Show. You never disappoint me with the lulz. But then again, WTF? What has happened to this town? The place is trashed, and as they pass, they see some guy beating his head against a pole. At first I thought he was getting busy with it, but thankfully, no. Then all the sudden, there’s a big THUD and breaking glass, and OH NOES, the van driver has hit some people! Everybody jumps out of the van, and the people who got hit are all bloody and going AHAHAHAHAHA WOOOOO and taking off their clothes. Sookie asks them if they’re okay, and then Sookie and Jason see the Black Eyes, and the people just say WOOOO GOTTA GET SAM! WOOOO IT’S ALMOST TIME WOOOO! And Sookie and Jason go o.O

Credits.

Let me preface all of this by addressing something that I’ve already seen all over the place. Why are Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, and Andy not affected by the Black Eyes power? First, there’s the question of if it’s just in the town, or if you have to be present when the Black Eyed Madness starts. Lafayette and Lettie Mae were in the room when Tara and Eggs got them, so that might suggest no, but it might also just be the Maryann is able to control Tara and Eggs much easier. Other people have argued that it’s because Lafayette has had Eric’s blood and Lettie Mae is religious, so they can’t be affected. I’m not sure about that. A lot of people have had vampire blood, and they still seem to be Black Eyed crazies. And Lafayette has always seemed sort of…different, though we can pretty much say he’s not supernatural in any way. Sookie might be protected because of her mind-reading powers, but there are other reason that she and Jason are protected that don’t come to light until well into the books, so I won’t go into that for spoilery reasons. Let’s just say they have might have natural immunity. And if you‘ll remember, Andy DID have the Black Eyes at a few parties he went to, but lately, he hasn‘t been hanging out with the devil zombies, so I guess that does mean you have to be present to get them when Maryann flexes her powers. The whole thing is a bit weird, and I suppose we’ll have to wait to see.

Anyway, back to the show. Over at Casa de WTF IS THAT? It’s like a big tree altar thing made of MEAT and vegetables. Maryann is climbing up a ladder to work on it, and we see flowers and bones and squash and MEAT in this thing, and there are flies buzzing all around, and it is DISGUSTING. WTF. Eggs is there helping her, like this is the most normal thing in the world, and Carl shows up with a bird on a tray, and she’s all like YAY FEATHERS. In the background, there are guys carrying wheelbarrows in and out of the house, and there’s a guy washing her car, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Maryann orders MORE MEAT and she wants expensive meat because this meat tree is for somebody OMG SO IMPORTANT, oh, and there are people bringing them something living to sacrifice BWUAHA. It’s also interesting to note that Eggs has the Black Eyes. Formerly, it seemed like when people had the Black Eyes, they were just mindless zombies going UUUUGHHH and ERRRGGGH and doing it all over the place. Obviously, they can function now and do household chores.

Over at Motel Sleaze, Sam is huddled down in Andy’s hotel room, jumping at every sound and generally just freaking out, and I believe he’s wearing Andy’s clothes. Andy comes in just then carrying some stuff, and he tells Sam that everybody is gone, and Sam makes sure to check Andy’s eyes. Andy has brought Sam’s clothes from the jail, and some liquor, of course, and he tells Sam that the whole sheriff’s office is empty, the town is destroyed, and people are peeing in the street. Meanwhile, Sam is changing his clothes, and I don’t even CARE what Andy is saying because NAKED SAM. But sadly, not naked, and he tells Andy that he knows the town has gone to shit but he has no idea how to defeat a maenad. “A may-WHAT?” Andy says, and Sam goes -_- because apparently he already filled Andy in on everything the night before, like how Maryann was to blame for the crazies, and oh, yes, SHE is the killer. Maryann is the killer, NOT Sam. She’s immortal, she has powers, and she is going to cut out his heart “so a bunch of naked people can watch.“ And Andy is like yeah, whatever, Crazy Pants, let’s kill that bitch.

Sam’s phone rings just then, and it’s Arlene. She’s hiding at Shithole Bar and Grill, and she’s crying and freaking out. She tells Sam that the crazies have Terry, and now they’re after her, and OH NOES HELP ME. Sam goes YEAH WHATEVER because he has seen Arlene at the crazy parties, but Arlene is like OMG I KNOW BUT HELP. The whole scene, she won’t face the camera, so, yeah, she’s totally still a Black Eyed Crazy, but Sam is noble and shit, and he tells her that he is on his way to help her. Silly puppy.

Back at the Old Compton Place, Jason is leaving a message on the police answering machine about the people getting hit by the car as Bill is being let out of his pod, and PHWOAR, BILL. I don’t know what happened, but he looks FANTASTIC. He looks much better than he has in the last few episodes, and his hair even looks more black, and GUH. Sookie goes over and tells Bill that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong because she can FEEL IT. Oh, yes, and SEE IT because HI the town is destroyed. This is when Maxine Fortenberry appears at the top of the stairs, and AHAHAHAH OMFG. She is a HOT MESS. Her hair is all crazy, and she’s got the black eyes, and she’s all like O HAI VAMPIRE AND VAMPIRE LOVER. Bill, Sookie, and Jason go WTF, and Maxine starts cackling just as Jessica and Hoyt come running out after her.

Bill goes JESSICA WTF, but for once, it’s not Jessica’s fault. Hoyt tries to explain about what’s been going on, and HI, he doesn’t have the Black Eyes either, so this pretty much confirms that you have to be in the room when she works her voodoo to get them. Anyway, Bill asks how long it’s been going on, and they tell him since the night before and how she’s been going on about giving Sam as a sacrifice to the god. Then Maxine makes us all throw up as she gets sexy voice and says, “Why don’t you offer yourself to me, Jason Stackhouse?” OMG BARF. Jason goes O.O as Maxine tries to kiss him, but Bill saves the day and says WTF DOES SHE EVER STOP? Hoyt says that playing the Wii gets her to focus, and once again, Bill’s Wonderful Wii, plot point extraordinaire, makes its triumphant return.

So, they set Maxine up playing the Wii (Dead Space maybe? Not sure.) while they have a chat about what’s been happening. Bill goes o.O as Maxine cusses a blue streak, and says that Maxine says god is coming? Hoyt says yes, that everybody is waiting at Shithole Bar and Grill so that they can take him to Maryann’s house. Sookie goes UM, where is that? And Hoyt has the horrible task of telling her that Maryann’s house is actually her house, and Sookie goes -_- because if there is one thing we know about Sookie it’s that she LOVES her house. Maxine starts crazy talking again how they’re going to cut Sam up and serve him like barbeque, and Sookie goes O.o and asks if anybody has been attacked by anything with claws. Hoyt says he heard that Lady VooDoo had scratches on her when she was found dead AND that Daphne had scars. Jason gets all excited about the possibility of fucking a new waitress at Merlotte’s, but when Bill says they should go talk to her, Hoyt lets them know that HI, she’s dead.

Jason is like WTF THIS IS MY TURF and he says he’s going to Merlotte’s to figure out just what the hell is happening. Bill has a big crush on the Stackhouses, so he tells Jason that if it’s the same thing that got Sookie, OMG IT’S NOT SAFE. But Jason tells him he’s not going to sit back and let monsters destroy his town. Sookie reminds him of the talk they had about using his brain, and Jason is like I AM, and there’s this hilarious war march type music playing in the background, and Jason tells them that this is the war he was training for. Sookie starts to complain, but Bill says that Jason can take care of himself, so Sookie lets him go, and she and Jason hug before Jason runs out the door to save the day.

Sookie then asks where Tara is, and Hoyt is like o.O Um, yeah, she’s been partying pretty hard, and that is ALL that Sookie needs to hear. She grabs her purse, and is OUT, YO, and Bill tags along. Maxine is still playing the Wii, and Hoyt asks Jessica if he should go, too. Jessica says HI, NO because that would leave her alone with Maxine, and Maxine just keeps on keeping on with her crazy self.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam and Andy are creeping up into the place, which looks totally deserted, but we know better. The bar is surprisingly clean considering the state of the rest of the town. Andy says the place is empty, but Sam does his doggy nose trick and says he can smell people. That’s when we hear insane giggling, and Arlene comes around the corner all O HAI SAM, and she has a freaking BUTCHER knife, and she’s like YAY! SACRIFICE! Then she starts some weird chant, and the place is FULL of people that were like hiding under tables and in light fixtures and shit, people that a second ago, were nowhere to be seen. Sam and Andy go EEP because they are completely surrounded, and everybody is acting CRAZY. Andy gets out his gun and fires a few shots, but this only makes the crazies laugh even LOUDER, and then Terry wrestles the gun away from Andy and kicks his ass again. Terry starts shooting up the place until he finally shoots some guy in the arm, and goes, “Aww, FUCK.” Everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS, and I think I’m sick of this storyline.

Sam and Andy escape during the momentary distraction, and they try to run to the back door, but there are crazies back there, too! They hop into the kitchen through the little order window, and all the crazies are like WE’RE GUNNA EAT CHOO. Andy grabs a bottle of liquor as Sam leads him into the walk-in freezer thing in the back, and they lock themselves in. Oh, yes, guys. Great plan. Fantastic. Outside in the kitchen, all the crazies are doing that weird chant, and then Terry, who seems to be flourishing in this post-apocalyptic setting, takes control and says YAY WE GOT HIM. PARTY TIME! He tells Jane Bodehouse to go call Maryann so she can come pick up Sam. Inside the freezer, Sam and Andy realize that they are fucked BIG TIME because they can’t kill the people outside. Those people are their friends, neighbors, and cousins, so yeah, NO KILLING. Meanwhile, Jane Bodehouse goes to call Maryann, but instead, she calls one of those FOR A GOOD TIME CALL numbers instead. AHAHAHA.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Interventions, Tara is tied up to a chair, and she’s still got the Black Eyes, and she’s telling Lettie Mae that it BUUUURNS, and this is very upsetting to Lettie Mae, who just wants to help, and for her trouble, she gets a head butted! Awesome, Tara! It’s Lafayette’s turn next, and he sounds really scared and heartbroken, and tells Tara to get the fuck up out of there, and for HIS trouble, he gets spit on! Awesome again, Tara! She just laughs like a lunatic, and we go HOLY SHIT, TARA IS SCARY. Lettie Mae starts to pray, and we get our first glimpse of what it looks like to be a Black Eyed Crazy, and it’s sort of like looking through watery eyes. It’s very disorienting, and as Lettie Mae is praying, Tara starts to get all fidgety and bothered by it.

OF COURSE SHE DOES. OF COURSE the pagan-inspired situation is MADE ALL BETTER by praying to Jesus. *headdesk* True Blood, you are on my last nerve with this shit.

Anyway, Lafayette joins in the praying, and after they are finished, Lettie Mae is like o.O. Lafayette says, “Jesus and I agreed to see other people, but that don’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” GREAT line. Greatness, but it does not make up for the religious fuckery that has been happening on this show. Anyway, Lettie Mae says that Lafayette has been good to Tara while she, herself, has always been a rotten bitch, but Lafayette has a little emo moment and says he was too wrapped up in his own shit and he should have seen this coming. As though he could have helped. Tara meanwhile acts like a scary, crazy fucking bitch and says BWUAHAH HE’S COMING AND HE’S GONNA KEEL US.

Over at Casa de WhatUsedtoBeStackhouse, Bill and Sookie are pulling up, and they see the Meat Tree, and Bill goes WTF? Sookie says ZOMG STINKS, and they go up into the house to see that it has become like some weird tree house business. There are vines and shit growing out of the walls, and there’s dirt everywhere, and all of Maryann’s hideous statues have showed up, and OH NOES, Sookie comes in and sees that all of her pictures are off the wall, and BEFORE they even show it, I know what is coming. YES, IT’S TRUE. The Photoshop Monstrosity HAS RETURNED! Sookie stares at it all sadly, and honestly, I wonder how she is EVER going to get her house right again. This place is WRECKED.

Sookie’s phone rings, and it’s Lafayette, and she asks him where Tara is. He tells her to GTFO of her house because bad shit is going to happen, and that’s when and Bill see the Bull Head mask thing, and Sookie is like ZOMG WE GOTTA GO. They start to leave, but, of course, they run into Maryann. Maryann goes “WTF are you doing in my house?” And Sookie is like WTF BITCH THIS IS MY HOUSE. Bill tries to help by puffing his chest out and politely suggesting that Maryann GTFO, but Maryann just says NICE BOYFRIEND. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, YOU KNOW. (Note: Alan Ball, I’m going to kill you for that line. Love, Me.) Sookie goes PFFT NOT SCARY. And so Maryann straight CHOKES that bitch. When she tries to pull Maryann’s hand away from her throat, Sookie gets the little mind meldy picture things, and she sees that Maryann is the one who attacked her. OH NOES, and thanks for finally joining the party, Sookie.

Bill comes to the rescue and throws Maryann onto a couch and tells Sookie to run, and then he pops a fang and attacks Maryann, but I can already tell this isn’t going to go well. Maryann starts going OH YEAH BABY RAVAGE ME (WTF?), and Bill starts immediately like throwing up some black goo and foaming at the mouth, and Maryann is like AHAHAHAH PWN.

This is how I feel about Maryann, too. And I love this gif. FO REALZ. And yes, that is a statue of a naked man in the background, and yes, the man parts appear dangerously close to Bill's mouth.

Her blood is like greenish black, and it’s GROSS, and Sookie is trying to help Bill up, but Maryann starts to get up in Sookie’s face going WHAT ARE YOU? Just like Bill did when they first met! Maryann puts her hands all over Sookie’s face, and Sookie has had ENOUGH of this bullshit, and she smashes her hand against Maryann’s face and says NUNYA, BITCH.

AND THEN HER HAND GLOWS. HER FUCKING HAND FUCKING GLOWS, and it sort of zaps Maryann, who goes o.OO.o and Bill goes O.O, and Sookie goes O.O, and I go YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Guys, I really can’t take anymore. REALLY. Glowing hands now? I get it. I understand what it means and why it happened and all of that, but REALLY? UGH. Anyway, they take this time to GTFO, and Bill is puking up his guts with every step as Sookie drags him to her car, and Maryann is just laughing all AHAHAH WHAT ARE YOU ZOMG!

Back in the Freezer of Saddos, Sam and Andy are now freezing to death, and they’re drinking the bottle of liquor that Andy brought in for warmth. Please tell me they’re not going to start hugging. There is a big time party going on outside, and Sam starts saying how if he had left town when he wanted to, none of this would have happened. Andy is like WHATEVS. He tells him he’s been good to the town, even if he’s a sometimes nudist. BWUAHA. Sam starts freaking out about how people are going to start dying, and Andy says HI, LADY VOODOO AND DAPHNE, and Sam takes a minute to BOO HOO about how Daphne was a big liar, and Andy talks about his nanny Annie, Annie the Nanny. And then seriously, Andy starts talking about some crazy insane shit about blind people and one-eyed men and kings, and Sam actually goes WTF ARE YOU SAYING? And Andy says I HAVE NO IDEA. And we go WTF IS HAPPENING WITH THIS EPISODE.

Somewhere out the in the woods, Jason pulls up in his pick-up truck of righteousness, and it is time to GEAR UP, YO. He has all kinds of stuff, such as a nail gun, a chainsaw, and a snappy toboggan, he gets ready and sneaks into Shithole Bar and Grill. Jane Bodehouse is the only guard watching Sam and Andy’s Freezer of Fun, and Jason sneaks around and peeks out into the place, which has become…festive. Yeah, that’s about the only nice way to say it. Creepy Mike Spencer is drinking out of the tap, some girl is making some guy give her some very forceful oral sex, people are doing it on the pool tables WHILE people are playing pool. The place is just a mess. Jason goes O.O, but that would normally be his scene. Then we see a guy who is possibly snorting corn chips, and some chick covered with mustard or cheese or something that is being licked off by…GROSS FOOD SEX. I cannot handle it! Anyway, suffice it to say, this place is fucked.

Jason comes marching out with his nail gun and is like WTF PEOPLE GET OUT. Nobody listens, and they just keep on with what they’re doing, so Jason starts up his chainsaw, and still nothing. Then he goes over and freaking CHAINSAWS through the radio. The power button would have worked just fine, Jason. *patpat* This finally gets their attention, but only for a minute because then everybody goes back to what they were doing again. Jason is FURIOUS about this, and so he cocks his nail gun and gets ready to kick some ass. Some guy in a t-shirt that says THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID tries to get him, but Jason nails that guy to the bar, and he deserves it for wearing that shirt.

Jason takes Arlene hostage, and everybody starts to freak out, but then they are freaking out because they WANT him to put a nail in her head. WTF? Even Arlene is like WOOOO DO IT. Terry snaps out of the zombieness for a minute to tell Jason not to hurt his “special lady”, but Arlene says, “I need a haircut anyway, baby.” Someone explain to me what that means. I so do not get it. I need a haircut so put a nail in my head? Whatever. This gets Terry’s attention, so he asks Jason what his demands are. Jason tells them to all GTFO and then they can have Arlene. Terry agrees, and he tells everyone to LEFT RIGHT LEFT out the door. Everyone leaves, and then Jason hands her over and runs back inside.

Back in Sookie’s Car of Puke, Bill is still retching his guts up, and Sookie is like WTF IS GOING ON. Bill tells her that he’s all right, and she goes NO YOU AREN’T. NONE OF THIS IS ALL RIGHT, and then she says…”I’m calling Eric.” AHAHAHA, oh, Show. Bill immediately goes NO YOU AREN’T and hauls himself back into the car, but then Sookie mentions that she was calling Eric to get to Dr. Ludwig because Bill is fucked up LIK WO. Bill is not concerned about this. He wants to know what all that glowy palm business was about, and Sookie tells him she has no freaking idea. She also throws in that it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods, and that even though she doesn’t have any scars, she could feel her there when she touched her. HI, CREEPY. Bill goes ZOMG I WILL KEEL HER, and Sookie says GOOD, BUT HOW? This takes Bill a minute, and then he says that Tara has been under her influence, so maybe Tara can help. Bill, sweetie, Tara ain’t helping nobody do nothing. Then he’s like GIVE ME YOUR WRIST NOW BITCH, and he bites Sookie’s wrist so he can get better.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Jason lets Andy and Sam out, and they wisely check his eyes, but YAY Jason is not a devil zombie, so they come out. They realize that the doors will only hold for so long, and Jason comments that if they’re going to get out of there, they’re going to need a bigger “divergence.” That’s when Terry throws a keg and some guy through the window, and HI, that is not what Jason meant. They start to run for it again, but it’s no use. Devil zombies everywhere! Terry comes in and sits down to smoke a cigarette, and he tells them that the God Who Comes is going to get Sam AND Jason for not being cool, and Sam realizes it’s time to give up. He decides to turn himself over to save the rest of them, and the devil zombies get him and Sam does some crowd surfing as Jason and Andy go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Fun, Tara has started rocking back and forth, doing that crazy chant, and Lafayette has had just about enough of this shit, when suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He goes to answer it, thinking it is Sookie, but it’s not. It’s some college girl who wants to buy some V so she can get through finals week. Lafayette is like ZOMG BITCH GET OUT. Bill and Sookie pull up just then, and Bill uses his super hearing to hear what is going on, and when he hears V, he vampires out of the car to up right beside the college girl and goes GTFO NOW. Lafayette about shits a brick because OMG VAMPIRE TRAUMA, and once college girl is gone, Bill is like WTF? Lafayette IMMEDIATELY says GET OFF ME, MAN, ERIC TOLD ME TO.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Way to go, Lafayette. You just sold Eric out, and don’t you believe for a second that Bill isn’t going to rat Eric out because HE SO IS. And really, it’s no more than Eric deserves. Telling Lafayette to sell V? Really, Eric?

Anyway, Sookie runs inside, and Lafayette politely invites Bill in, and they go and check out what’s going on with Tara. Sookie is like WTF, and Lettie Mae sees Bill and goes O.O. Tara goes OMG GET OUT OF MY FACE, C-WORD. Oh, HELL NO, Tara. Sookie tries to mind meld with Tara, but all she sees is swirly blackness, and Sookie is like WTF? She tells them that Tara is totally gone, but Lafayette and Bill tell her that she has to keep trying, that she has to push farther than she ever has. Meanwhile, Lettie Mae is like WTF MIND READING? Sookie tries again, but all she gets is a few glimpses of one of the orgies, and Sookie tells them that there’s a barrier that she can’t cross.

Bill suggests that he hypnovamps her, and Lettie Mae does not like this idea, and neither does Sookie, but Bill says that if they leave her with the Black Eyes, who knows what could happen to her or them. Sookie finally agrees, and Lafayette and Lettie Mae hold hands as Bill leans in and INTENSES right in Tara’s face. He says OMG CAN YOU FEEL MY INFLUENCE DON’T FIGHT IT LET ME IN, and his voice is uber sexy as he does it, and I go PHWOAR.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, the crazies tie Sam to the top of a car, and Arlene is like THANKS SAM YOU’RE AWESOME. Then suddenly, a flare goes flying through the air, and all the crazies are like OOH PRETTY, and then we hear a voice go SILENCE! Everybody looks over, and AHAHAHAHAHA. OMG I will be laughing about this for DAYS. To us, it’s very obviously Jason in a gas mask with some flares and a pair of oven mitts or something. To the crazies, he looks ZOMG IMPRESSIVE AND SCARY and his voice is LIKE THIS ARGGGH. He jumps up onto a car and goes I AM THE GOD WHO COMES. And Creepy Mike Spencer goes UM, WHUT? Sam causally reminds them that the God Who Comes has horns, so Andy runs off to get some. OMG THE LULZ.

JasonGod goes SAM MERLOTTE YOU ARE MINE, and he tells everyone to go home. The crazies are like WHAT? And JasonGod goes, “Oh, yes. He is the…best offering ever.” And that is when I totally lost my shit because this is freaking HILARIOUS. All the crazies are like WOO WE DID GOOD, and JasonGod says something about them having good crops and NOW GTFO. Terry goes BULLSHIT THE GOD HAS HORNS, and that is when Andy holds up a TREE BRANCH behind Jason, and it looks like horns, and all the crazies go OOOOOH. Sam takes that moment to climb down off the car, and I am not kidding you, I nearly peed myself.

Sam holds his arm out all LORD SMITE ME, but Jason can’t hear him through his gas mask and such, so he asks Andy what he said, and Andy says he doesn’t know. So Sam keeps having to say SMITE ME, SMITE ME, and finally he goes SMITE ME, MOTHERFUCKER. Jason finally gets it, and he goes GRRRRARRGG I SMITE THEE, SAM MERLOTTE! And Sam starts shaking and convulsing and then POOF he is gone, and all that is left is a pile of clothes.

The crazies go OMGWTF, and even Jason and Andy go OMGWTF, and Creepy Mike Spencer investigates the clothes, and then they go YAY HE’S GONE. JasonGod tells them to tell their leader that he is very happy with his offering, and to leave, and that’s when we see Terry swatting at a very persistent fly. OH, SAM. YOU SNEAKY PETE. Terry tells the crazies to report to Maryann for debriefing, and Jane Bodehouse’s nasty self says “Anybody who wants to debrief me, can do so right now!” BARF.

All of the crazies run off, and Jason takes off his god costume, and he and Andy go WTF WHERE IS SAM? And then Sam appears wearing NOTHING but a kitchen apron and a fire extinguisher to put out the flares, and might I say, his rear end is LOVELY. Andy takes a swig from his bottle and says it’s the last drink he’ll ever take, but Jason takes the bottle, and I’m guessing the swing he takes will the first of many.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Mindfucking, Bill is still trying to hypnovamp Tara, and Sookie is behind her, hugging her for all it’s worth. They are tag team mind-melding, and Sookie is getting nothing. Bill sounds really horribly desperate and panicked, and Tara is like BACK OFF, WHITE MAN, but Lafayette tells her to listen and Lettie Mae starts praying, and Bill practically pops a blood vessel and tells Sookie OMG NOW. So Sookie does her thing, and she starts to see a little more of the crazy orgy, and when Tara and Eggs first got sucked in and were doing it, and she sees Sam, and the gross Hunter Souflee, and Tara and Eggs’ Home Fight Club, and Maryann, and just all the hideous things that have been happening, and then SLOWLY the Black Eyes start to go away until finally, THEY ARE GONE! YAY! TARA HAS BEEN SAVED!

Bill and Sookie both look totally exhausted from the effort, and Tara is like WTF? WTF! OMG! OMG! And then the poignant violins start and she and Sookie are hugging and crying, and then Tara is hugging and crying with Lettie Mae, and it’s just a big hug and cry fest, and Sookie is like I NEED OUT, YO. She goes outside, and Bill follows her, and Tara looks at Lafayette, and Lafayette just sort of waves at her. It’s really cute, and she hugs Lafayette, but then realizes OMG EGGS. She gets up and says she has to get Eggs, but Lafayette beats her to the punch and locks the door and tells her NO.

Outside on the Porch of Trauma, Sookie tells Bill that there was nothing of Tara left inside her, and how she can’t believe there are other things that can hypnotize people. Bill reminds her that humans are pretty much stupid and easy to control, which, hi, we are. Sookie realizes that all of it is coming from Maryann, and how GROSS it is that they eat hearts but now Maryann wants THEIR SOULS ZOMG! And she says OMG THAT CHANT! Bill says WHAT CHANT and Sookie repeats it, but Bill finishes it for her, and we get a quick flashback to the hilarious days of Bill’s 1930’s smoking jacket, where he was reading that book before he and Lorena got into the domestic, and IT JUST SO HAPPENS he was reading about THAT EXACT THING.

OH, AHAHAHAHAHA. I love it! HOW IS THAT FOR CONTINUITY, BITCHES?

Anyway, Bill gets the OH SHIT face, and Sookie knows what that looks means. Bill says he’s read about this crazy shit, but he assumed it was a myth. Now he thinks Maryann might be one, but Sookie only wants to know how to kill her. Bill says OMG I DON’T KNOW, but he might know a vampire who does know how. MIGHT KNOW, he repeats. But if he’s going to get there before sunrise, he has got to motor, and sorry, Sookie, since you are mortal, you don’t get to come. He tells her she can do more good by staying with her friends, and he says “Tara” like “Terror” because he’s British in real life and they have a problem with things sending with “a”. Bill knows that the only way that Sookie is going to stay is if she remembers that her friends need her, and besides is the lair of a vampire queen really any place for Sookie? Probably not. So Sookie agrees because OMG look what happened when she left the first time! YES, SOOKIE, BON TEMPS REVOLVES AROUND YOU. It’s YOUR FAULT OMG.

Bill asks Sookie if she can do the glowy palm business again, but Sookie says she doesn’t even know what it was, so probably not. Bill then tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and he makes her promise she won’t go over to her house. We know that Sookie has a history of not thinking before she does things, so she promises, then Bill kisses her goodbye, and he vampires away fast and hard enough to totally blow Sookie’s hair back. PHWOAR, BILL. PHWOAR.

Back the Old Compton Place, Maxine is trying to get out the door, but Hoyt is locking her in, and for a second, it looks like she’s trying to screw him. O.O Jessica is on the stairs totally about to lose her shit, and Maxine launches into a tirade against Hoyt that is really mean and hateful. I mean, the things that she is saying are really horrible. Hoyt is just shrugging it off, but Jessica CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OMG. Maxine just keeps on going, and Jessica pops a fang, and then IT IS ON because Jessica hasn’t eaten in days, and she FLINGS Hoyt aside like a rag doll and then totally bites Maxine all vicious like. EEP! (But of course everyone will forgive Jessica for being a vampire, even though they crucify Bill for it every week. WHATEVER.)

So now we see Bill walking up to some freaking temple thing, and there are some guys who look like extras from “The Matrix” standing outside, and they’re like YOU ARE EXPECTED, SIR. They lead him across a bridge that covers a pool, and the whole place is INCREDIBLY tacky. I mean, it’s out of CONTROL and it‘s HIDEOUS and not at all what I expected. And Bill goes into a room, and starts to say WHAT UP, YOUR MAJ, but then OH NOES, he goes O.O, and we see a dangling foot with blood dripping off of it!

CREDITS!

I have to tell you that I am really pleased with this episode. We went back to the ORIGINAL madness that made the show so likeable in the beginning. Most of the fan girls have been complaining because OMG NOT ENOUGH ERIC OH NO WAAAAH, but honestly, we need a break. We’re going to get oversaturated with Eric, and after last week, I am GLAD we only saw a few moments of him. He needs to go and mourn or whatever. In his place, we got TONS of Bill, and the Bill I know and love. Sookie was fab, and Jason…OMG JASON.

Honestly, what made AB and the producers decide to do this overblown Maryann bullshit? The storyline in the book would have been sufficient, but instead, we see less and less of Sookie and more and more of the lame wads that I don’t care about. PLUS WE WOULD HAVE SEEN THE SPANDEX PANTS ON ERIC. Anyway, the only good news is that once this season is over, NO MOAR MARYANN.

I warn you, if there is any tomfoolery in the comments about OMG I HATE BILL, I am not going to be nice about it this week. Things got sort of nasty for me last week because of these recaps, and I’d really like to not have a repeat of that. So, if you can’t have intelligent discussion and just want to go OMG BILL SUCKS, please don’t leave a comment. THIS JOURNAL IS SHIP WAR FREE. THIS IS A NEUTRAL ZONE! Otherwise, BRING IT ON!

HATERS TO THE LEFT
And Vampire Bill says...

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"I Will Rise Up" aka Eric Northman is a Cry Baby

2009-08-17T22:36:00.001-04:00

True Blood Season 2: I Will Rise Up aka Eric Northman is a Crybaby

Previously on True Blood…

Eric and Godric have a big man-love reunion, Eric asks Sookie to trust him, Douche Wife shoots Jason in the man parts with a paintball gun, Jason PWNS Douche Wife, Lafayette tells Tara Eggs sucks, Eggs tells Tara that Eggs sucks, Maryann feeds them Daphne’s heart and they have a fight club, Daphne is found in Sam’s freezer and Sam is put in jail, Sookie runs in to save Sookie, but Jason actually saves her, then Sookie saves Eric, then Godric saves the FotS, and EVERYBODY IS SAVED. Bill tells Eric that Sookie will never be his, and we all laugh for days, then Lorena shows up and tries to claim Bill, but Sookie screams at her, and Godric saves Sookie from Lorena when she gets fangy, and Bill eschews her with a firm hand just as the Lukeanator shows up at Godric’s Party Palace. HATE CRIME GO KABOOM!

So, this week, we open up a few seconds before where we left of last week, and the Lukeanator has come to the party, and he brought the fireworks! AHAHA, oh, I suck. Anyway, he tells Jason to get away from him, and let’s note that Jason is still like RIGHT behind him. He says SCUSE, VAMPS. FotS PWNS! Outside, Bill and Lorena are still talking, and Bill says that it doesn’t matter if they ever meet again because she is DEAD TO ME, YO. Lorena is like OH, YOU WILL REGRET THIS, and then she vampires away dramatically. Then, as if someone is trying to tell Bill that HE WILL REGRET THIS, Godric’s Party Palace totally BLOWS UP. HATE CRIME! Bill pops a fang, and then vampires inside.

OH NOES! It is chaos and dust and destroyed Ikea furniture, and there are guts and people screaming, and I really do think this is better than just having them shoot up the place like they do in the book. Anyway, Bill is frantically searching for Sookie, and when he finds her, everybody goes LMAO because Eric is like SPRAWLED out on top of her in the best Jesus pose we’ve ever seen, and he’s all UGH and Sookie is all SQUASH. Bill goes to hold Sookie’s hand, and Eric is like I SAVED HER, and his fangs look SO pretty. Then he picks up his head a little and tells Bill to get the humans, and Bill growls and looks back, and there’s some little guy with a crossbow peeking in the window all IM IN UR BUSHES, STAKIN UR HEARTZ.

The little guy goes EEP and runs away, and we see there’s another guy who jumps in a car, and the little guy jumps in the back, but it is too late. Bill grabs him and drags him out of the car and throws him on ground all PWN. The guy goes O.O and says that they really didn’t think the Lukeanator would do it, and Bill is like WELL HE DID, YO, and then he bites the guy’s neck VICIOUSLY, and suddenly, I want to have Bill’s vampire babies.

Credits. HEE!

After the credits, we see Godric and Isabel appear, and they seem to be okay, so Isabel goes around checking on people and pulling wood out of legs, and Godric is looking around like ZOMG NO, MY PARTY PALACE…or, you know, SAD BLOWED UP VAMPS. Whatever. Then we go back to where Eric is still sprawled on top of Sookie, and Sookie finally goes OMG GET OFF, and she practically tells him he’s fat as she struggles to push him off of her. She sits up and starts screaming for Jason--Jason who was RIGHT BESIDE LUKE--and after yelling for him for a bit, Jason finally peeks out from under some rubble, and though he’s covered in Lukeanator pieces, he’s okay. I suppose we’re meant to believe he dived behind the fireplace wall, and that is what shielded him from the blast. WHATEVER.

Anyway, Sookie turns back, and Eric is groaning and moaning, and Sookie’s like UH OHS. And then we get either the WORST acting I have ever seen OR the most hilarious moment of Eric since the show begins--I can’t decide which, but I’m going to lean to the side of HILARIOUS because Eric goes “Had to…shield you…” all breathy and dramatic-like, and Sookie is like WTF? HEAL NOW PLZKTHNX. Eric says no can do because of the silver, and Sookie starts to go get Godric, but Eric grabs her arm and says, “No…time…Sookie…help…” And Sookie goes UH, NO because “it’s too gross…and it’s you.” AHAHAHA, I love you, Sookie. I LOVE YOU. Then hilarious Eric is all “Dying…dying…” and he actually goes “UGGGHHHH” as he lets his hand drop like he’s dead. Sookie goes [>.<] and says “SON OF A MOTHER…” And then she leaps into action.

She bends down and starts sucking on a hole in Eric’s neck, making the grossest slurping sounds EVER, and you know…this isn’t quite as sexy as I imagined it. Anyway, she sucks for a while and then finally spits out a piece of silver, and says WOOT! WIN! But Eric says ACTUALLY, NO. And his pectoral muscle looks like of flat and weird, so I’m assuming he means there’s one there, and Sookie goes OMG WTF, but she pulls down his RUINED tank top and then BLOOD COMES OUT OF HIS NIPPLE LIKE A FOUNTAIN. *headdesk* Anyway, she starts a-sucking, and Eric picks up his head and then GRINS like a LUNATIC all AHAHAHA I WIN. You go, bb! That is the Eric I know and love!

Back outside on Poor Stupid Kids Street, Bill has finished biting the poor stupid kid, and the kid starts freaking out, and Bill says for him to tell the Newlins who were bitches that sent kids to do their dirty work that a vampire showed mercy ~~like Jesus~~ where they had none. Then he shoves the kid away, and the kid goes flailing down the street.

Inside, Jason is stomping out some little flames that are still burning, and he looks completely devastated, as though he’s finally realized what he had been a part of, and then he spots something and goes “LUKE,” and yes, it’s just a few of the Lukeanator’s fingers, his Ring of Honesty still on. I thought for a minute that Jason was going to hold them or try to do a secret handshake. THIS IS HOW MY MIND WORKS. Anyway, Isabel is walking by in her fierce boots, and Godric asks her who’s dead. Isabel tells him that Stan and some other vampires we don’t care about plus some humans. Stan? Cowboy Stan? ;_; I’d be more sad if he had been Book!Stan, ~~and I guess we’re going to have to find a new future sheriff for Dallas~~. And Godric’s like WORD.

This is when Bill comes wandering back in to find Sookie, and he finds Sookie all right. He finds Sookie sucking blood out of Eric’s Viking Nipple, and Eric has his head propped like he’s relaxing on the beach! CLASSIC. In the middle of guts and chaos, Eric is just chillin’ like a villain with a human girl drinking his blood. Such win. Bill goes WTF? Sookie sits up and says I SAVED HIM YAY, and Eric sort of purrs, “She was superrrrbbbb.” Then the look that Bill gets on his face is so terribly awful. It makes my heart hurt for him. He sort of averts his gaze, and he looks like somebody just killed his puppy, and he says that Eric was in no danger. Eric slants a gaze at Sookie that says I IZ PIMP, and Sookie goes WTF?

Eric admits he lied, but it was only a “tiny falsehood,” and Bill looks DISGUSTED as he tells Sookie that he was already healing and that the bullets would have pushed themselves out. ~~(Okay, are they bullets really? No, they’re shrapnel, but whatever.)~~ Bill looks like he’s about to start crying as he tells Sookie that this was how Eric forced her to drink his blood. (While he’s saying this, a big piece of the Lukeanator goes sliding inconspicuously down the wall. GROSS.) Sookie goes O.O and starts saying NO, NO, NO, and Eric just lays there like YES, YES, YES. Bill tells Sookie that now Eric can sense her emotions and such, and Sookie goes “YOU BIG LYING A-HOLE!” to which Eric responds, “Bill, you’re right! I believe I can sense her emotions.” AHAHAHAHAHA. Then Sookie punches him right in the stomach and jumps up so Bill can comfort her, to which Eric says, “Sweet.” Sookie says she will never do ANYTHING to help him EVER AGAIN, MONSTER! Eric vampires up like TA DA, and Bill says OMG NOT YOUR FAULT, to which Eric responds, “I think I’m gonna cry.” And Sookie shoots him eye laser beams LIK WO. AHAHAHA.

So, Isabel tells everybody to listen, and when nobody does, Jason walks up beside her and is like YA’LL SHUT IT! Godric tells everyone to go to the Hotel Carmilla just in case the FotS comes back, and everybody starts filing out. Sookie is wiping her mouth off all OMG GROSS, and Bill gives Eric laser beam eyes, and Eric sort of looks at him like WHUT? I’M EVIL as Bill and Sookie leave. Eric stops to look at Godric, and Godric takes one last look at his ruined party palace, crying a metaphorical tear for his obliterated Ikea throne, and he leaves, too.

Back at Hotel Dumb Bitch, Sookie is coming out of the bathroom, and she’s going on about ZOMG HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH A DUMB BITCH? Bill says that Eric did take ~~shrapnel~~ bullets for her, so at least they’re both alive. This obviously isn’t enough for Sookie because she says she should have known better than to believe a single word out of Eric’s mouth. Then she is terribly cute as she says, “I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?” You’re a ~~vampire groupie~~ nice person, Sookie. That’s all. AHAHA. Bill says that Eric has had a thousand years to become a good liar, and that he did it to prove his power over Bill. Hey, Bill, bet you wish you didn’t try to man-handle him and say SHE IS MINE, YO back at the Party Palace, now do you? HA!

Sookie says she spit most of the blood out, but some of it had to go down, and Bill tells her that it only takes a few drops. Sookie says that the worst thing is that Eric will be able to tell where she is and what she’s feeling, but Bill goes O.O and says, YEAH NO. Bill tells her not to be surprised if she starts being attracted to him, you know, sexually or something. Sookie is like WTF? HE IS GROSS, but Bill says it’s going to happen, so just prepare yourself for SEXY SEXY DREAMS. Bill says it would have happened sooner or later because Eric was determined to have the bond with her, and Sookie just goes OMG! It’s very, very cute because Sookie says, “I could kill him.” Bill actually goes -_- and he says “I concur.” HEE!

Back at the Old Compton Place, Hoessica is in full-effect, and Hoyt is trying to comfort Jessica about being a perma-virg, and Jessica is saying that maybe there’s an operation she can get done because OMG VIRGIN FOREVER. Jessica gets all dramatic and tells Hoyt that he should break up with her, and Hoyt it like OMG SHUT IT NO. In fact, he wants her to meet his mom, and I’m SO SURE that’s going to go well. (Personally, I think it will end with Maxine staking the hell out of Jessica, but that’s just me. :D) Whatever, this can be paraphrased as JESSICA AND HOYT REMAIN CUTE BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hoyt sings to her as she gets into the hole in the floor, and YAWN.

Over at Casa de Fight Club, Eggs and Tara and up and feeling the effects of their insane cannibalism. They’ve very bruised up, and Maryann comes in and says WHOA and she’s right because WHOA. Maryann blames it on some acid and calls them hippies, and Tara and Eggs are like STFU. Maryann goes on about how being in control is just some box society puts us in, and WE NEED TO BE OUT OF CONTROL OMG. Tara says she doesn’t want to be blacking out, and Maryann says some crap about it being a higher state of consciousness, and Tara is like WTF NO because her mom blacked out for years and NOT FUN.

Maryann starts talking about Indian villages and shamans and their madness, and how everyone thought they were crazy, and Tara is like YEAH BECAUSE THEY WERE. Then Maryann almost starts CRYING telling her how NOT CRAZY they were because they were trying to get closer to their god. WHUT? Tara and Eggs go WHUT at each other, and Maryann gets all shitty and tells them that a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss, then she cheerfully says BLOODY MARY, ANYONE? Can I say again how much I HATE THIS BITCH? Don’t try to make her deep and shit. YOUR TEARS DO NOTHING BUT ENRAGE ME, ~~Ro Laren~~Maryann. GTFO.

Over at Mayberry R.F.D., Sam is sitting in his cell watching a fly, and Bud is OVERWHELMED by the amount of crazies he has locked up. Said crazies are getting crazier by the minute, and they’re all screaming from inside the cells that are way too full. Jane Bodehouse actually says, “All I did was lose my pants! There’s no law against that!” AHAHA. What I’m wondering is if half the town is locked up, who is running the Grabbit Kwik? Bud is like STFU to all of them, and Sam finally joins in and says that he has no evidence to keep him locked up, then he beats up his jail bed in frustration.

Back at Hotel Cuckold, Bill is sleeping but Sookie gets up, and she’s goes and knocks on Jason’s door. Jason peeks out all cute and lets her in because neither of them can sleep. They have a big heart to heart on the bed about all kinds of things. This scene to me is AMAZING, but nothing escapes my snark, so here we go! They talk about how Jason was always the star of the family, and how Sookie was the weirdo. Jason says they liked him for his athletics, his good looks, and his SEX ABILITIES. AHAHA, Jason, I love you. He says that the Newlins acted like they cared about him for him, and it was a lie, but they kept his head from being too full of stuff that he won’t talk about. Sookie does says WTF about the Soldiers of the Sun, and she asks him what Gran would think, but Jason freaks out and won’t talk about Gran OMG WON’T.

Sookie says that they can’t forget her or stop loving her because it hurts, and Jason starts to cry a little, and it BREAKS MY COLD, DEAD HEART. At this point, Jason realizes that he and Sookie really are alone in the world, that they are all that is left of their family, so Sookie says they have to grow up and stick together. Jason apologize to Sookie for everything he’s ever done because he’s a dumb ass and a fuck-up. Sookie agrees and tells him HI USE YOUR BRAIN and you wouldn’t be. Jason is all sniffly, and Sookie tells him that she always loves him even when she wants to “stick his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard.” AHAHA, that is the Sookie we know and love. Jason wishes that Sookie was normal and had a normal boyfriend, but Sookie is like WTF, I didn’t have a choice. Then they decide to lay down and watch TV, which is what everyone does after a big, emotional heart-to-heart.

Guess who is on TV? The Newlins! YAY! Reverend Douche has a big red mark on his forehead where Jason shot him, and they are telling everyone that Godric VOLUNTEERED to be held prisoner. Nan Flanagan is there, too, being her usual great self, and she tells the Newlins that they used their church to form a terrorist group, and Reverend Douche is like NUH UH. Nan rips them a new one, and Douche Wife steps in and says they’re fighting for the earth and sunlight and Christmas and Easter eggs, and this is when I go AHAHAHA WTF? This is also when Reverend Douche cuts Douche Wife off, and Douche Wife has obviously had ENOUGH. She starts saying how the Reverend Douche can’t handle not being the center of attention, and “I hate your hair.” AHAHA DOUCHE WIFE. I love you, A LOT. Anyway, Jason calls them a “witch and a sumbitch,” and that’s pretty much dead on.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, there is this bitch in there who wants to see where Daphne’s dead body was, and she even has a camera, and Arlene is like WTF SICKO and kicks them out. Arlene is freaking out because at this point in time, she’s the only waitress working there, and she’s overwhelmed. She goes to talk to Lafayette and tells him how scared she is, and she thinks that there’s a curse, and Lafayette gives her a shot and tells her that he’ll look out for her if she looks out for him. Terry yells ORDER UP and Arlene goes to get it. She goes to the little window, and Terry won’t look at her, and he’s being very weird, and this is when Arlene starts crying and freaking out because she thinks he‘s still weirded out about them doing it. Terry tells her not to cry, and that he doesn’t mean to be “peculiar…at her” and he also mentions that HI he can’t remember what they did, so it’s not terrible! YAY! Hmmm. Arlene goes OMG YAY because he doesn’t remember either, and I guess this means they made up.

Tara and Eggs come walking in, and when Lafayette takes one look at them….oh, man. Tara says OMG IT WASN’T EGGS. But, HI, it was, and Lafayette is like OMFG HOOKUH WTF? Tara says she doesn’t know what happened, and Lafayette does not accept this. He says WTF to Eggs, and then it gets nasty. Eggs says that he doesn’t hurt women, and Lafayette tells him he’ll show him what it’s like to get his ass beat. And then the moment comes that makes me hate Eggs forever, and there is no coming back from me hating you for this.

Eggs’ response is “You might want to take those eyelashes out yo eyes!” This is a disgusting homophobic insult, and Eggs is DEAD TO ME. In fact, I hope Eggs GETS DEAD. FUCK YOU, EGGS. Anyway, Lafayette starts to get rowdy, telling Tara that Eggs is poison and that he’s never going to change, and Tara gets in between them, which is the wrong thing to do because when they start fighting, Eggs totally hits Tara right in the face to get to Lafayette. Oops, I GUESS YOU DO HURT WOMEN, FUCKER. Everybody in the place is watching and is like WOOOO GET IT, and finally Tara pushes Eggs out the door and leaves with him. All the customers are like WOO HOO LAFAYETTE, but Lafayette is like OMFG SHUT IT REDNECKS. Randomly, I think Lafayette would win a fight between the two of them.

Over at Maxine's House of Toaster Oven Lovin’, Maxine is ripping Hoyt a new one for running off to Dallas as she’s making him a hilarious sandwich, and Hoyt is looking at her like he’s going to stab her at any minute. The nub and gist of this scene is that Maxine thinks Hoyt is a different person since he met Jessica, and Maxine wants her SWEET BAYBEE OMG back. Also, Maxine hates Methodists, Catholic priests and nuns, African Americans (“Hush! That‘s a secret!”), people who don’t take care of their gardens, people who park their trucks up on their lawns, ladies who wear red shoes (“It looks cheap!”), families with lots of kids, checkered curtains, cats, dogs, bait(?), and every girl Hoyt has ever liked. AHAHAH, oh, Maxine. She then says that she “simply objects to a girlfriend who will kill you and eat you,” and I suppose she has a valid point there. Hoyt has had enough of this shit, and he tells Hoyt that he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, and if she’s not nice, he will leave OMG! FOREVER OMG! He finally screams that he’s NOT A BABY OMG! HE’S A GROWN ASS MAN! And then he contradicts that by taking half of the sandwich that she made him and leaving. AHAHA. Oh, Show. I love you.

Back at Hotel SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE Dreams, Sookie is back in bed with Bill, but when she rolls over, the screen goes all gauzy, and OMFG THANKS BE. She’s in bed with ERIC…NAKED NAKED VIKING ERIC. She rolls back over to look at him, and he tells her to finish telling him why she thinks she won’t be a good vampire. Sookie~~'s boob~~ says it’s because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, and Eric goes HA HA with this big dorky grin, and his hair looks REALLY weird not all slicked back. But HE IS NAKED, though really we can’t see much. The two of them are all schmoopy and wonderful, and I bet everybody just LOVES it, yet they give Bill shit when he and Sookie are that way.

NAKED NAKED VIKING. Stay on track here. They have their hands all twined together, and Eric randomly kisses Sookie’s hand, and to me that, is HAWT, more HAWT than nakedness. It’s just such a personal, intimate gesture, and OMFG I WILL DIE WHEN THIS IS REALITY. Eric’s voice sounds nothing like his normal voice, and he’s talking all sweet and sugary, and it’s wonderful, but it’s NOT ERIC, guys. NOT HIM. This is some weird dream version of him. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is Eric in his private time when he doesn’t have to be big and bad and awesome. I’m not sure. Anyway, he tells Sookie she has the right temperament to be a vampire because she’s blood-thirsty and ruthless when it comes to those she loves. “Everybody thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” he says, and Sookie answers cutely, “I am a darling.” Eric says she’d do anything for the people she loves like her brother, her friends…”…and me.” But then some disembodied voice that sounds VERY familiar says, “Bill?”

Sookie sits up and is like AHAH BILL? WHERE’S BILL? And that voice belongs to LORENA. GAH! How could they ruin a sexy dream with LORENA? Anyway, Lorena says that Sookie has already abandoned Bill, and Eric is all molesting her neck and such, but when Sookie says NUH HUH I LOVE BILL, Eric gets all grabby and pulls her down hard and tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor. (WHUT? Have you seen her clothes!?!) Sookie says she used to think that Eric was made of cold, hard stone and empty inside. But then she says she knows he’s A BIG FAKER and that he’s wonderful and there‘s love in him, and he says ONLY FOR SOOKIE OMG and then they dissolve into intense kissing. Lorena is like OMG WHORE, and Sookie tries to say that she loves Bill, but Eric is like NOM NOM NOM, and pushes her down all rough, says “This is the beginning.“ PHWOAR. But I have to say…the kissing is a bit awkward and weird. Very tonguey and slobbery, and Eric is VERY INTENSE when he kisses. And Sookie’s boob keeps poking out like I AM HERE. YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME.

Then Sookie wakes up, and we all scream. Sookie, for her cheating dream having part, snuggles up to Bill. AHAHAHA, Sook. You poor thing.

Back at Mayberry R.F.D., there are MORE town crazies waiting to go into cells, but Maryann walks in and they are all like YAY SHE WILL SAVE US! Maryann is like PFFT and just says that they had a good time because she’s on a mission to find Bud. She does, and Bud is pushing another girl in the cell when he hears Maryann calling for him. Sam hears her too, and he goes O.O and starts looking for a way out. The natives next door are going crazy, and that’s when Sam sees a fly buzzing around and gets a bright idea.

Bud tells Maryann that everybody has gone crazy, but nobody can remember what they did! It’s very strange! HOLY CRIME WAVE Maryann says, and she wants to help Sam get out of jail. Bud is like NOPE, but I’ll take you to see him. Bud is like ZOMG I AM SO TIRED. So, of course, as normal people do, Maryann jumps up to give him a backrub. WHAT? But then the backrub turns into the hippy hippy shake, and Bud has the Black Eyes! NO! Everybody in the cells starts going crazy when Maryann walks in, and she’s like WHERE IS SAM, BITCHES? But Sam is not here! We just see his clothes, and Maryann is like OMG I KEEL. Then she lets all the prisoners out! Oh, Bon Temps, you are in TRUBS.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is having the Dinner of Awkward with Hoyt and Jessica, and Jessica is trying very, very hard to get along with her, but Maxine is being HORRIBLE. Jessica also makes the terrible mistake of mentioning red shoes, and then it is all downhill from there. Maxine says she would like to meet Jessica’s family, and Jessica is like ZOMG I AM AN ORPHAN, and she and Hoyt get all schmoopy, and Maxine is :X like me. She does say that she’s sorry how Jessica became a vampire, but she throws in that Hoyt is a good boy with a bright future, and by bright, she means IN THE SUN, BITCH. She keeps on going about how she won’t let her son wander around all night in the dark for some orphan vampire, and then Jessica has had enough. She pops a fang, and IT IS ON! Jessica says it’s for HOYT TO DECIDE OMG, and Maxine says OMG LIFE RUINER. Jessica yells that she can give him everything a human girl can, and before Maxine even says it, I know what is coming. “HARDLY!” “LIKE WHAT?” “LIKE BABIES!”

Maxine FTW. Jessica is DEVASTATED because I guess she didn’t think of that, and neither did Hoyt obviously, but Hoyt might just look more upset because Jessica is upset. Jessica decides to flee the scene, and Hoyt is like OMG MOM, and he says he’s NEVER coming home. Maxine decides it’s time for a beer. For a LOT of beers.

Back at Casa de ThisAin’tGonnaBeGoodhouse, Tara, Eggs, and Maryann are playing poker, and of course, they’re drinking, and OH LOOK, there’s a very inconspicuous fly on the table! In walk Lafayette and Lettie Mae, and Tara immediately goes on the offensive and calls them aliens? What? Anyway, Maryann is like HEY BABY BABY to Lafayette, but Lafayette is not there to play around. They are there to get Tara, but Maryann won’t go down so easily. She starts trying to tempt Lettie Mae into drinking, but Lettie Mae stands firm, and for once, I really like her. Lafayette is like WTF TARA, and Tara just keeps drinking. Maryann keeps on with the talk trying to get Lettie Mae to fall of the wagon, but Lafayette steps in. Lafayette is like o.O and says he is “feelin’ her” and that she’s a soulless bitch! WOOT! He also throws in that Eggs is crap, and it is time to GO, but Tara…oh, Tara has the Black Eyes! OH NOES!

She gets up and advances on Lettie Mae, and it’s about to get REAL IN HERRE, SUCKA. Lafayette and Lettie Mae both go WTF at her eyes, but there’s no time to figure it out because Tara starts beating up Lettie Mae, and Eggs joins in and starts beating up Lafayette. IT IS A BRAWL, YO! By the end, however, just as I suspected, Lafayette has PWNED Eggs, and he grabs Tara and runs out the door with her. Tara is screaming EGGGGGGSSS MARRRYYYANNNNNN, but nothing doing. Lafayette throws her in the car, and he and Lettie Mae drive away with her, leaving Maryann and Eggs looking like too saddos on a porch. Oh, and the Sam-Fly is there being a creeper and listening in.

Over in Hotel HBIC, Nan Flanagan has shown up, and she is PISSED. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m sensing she’s pretty old, and she is NOT HAPPY about what has happened in Dallas. Eric mentions that HI, Stan went to the FotS on his own, but as he’s talking, Sookie is looking at him all INTENSE, and he sort of looks back at her like WHOA CREEPER BACK OFF. Anyway, Nan says that it’s not her problem that they didn’t realize Stan was a psycho, it’s Godric problem. Eric gets all growly and tells her to STFU, and Nan says NO, YOU. And HE DOES. NAN FTW!

Nan finally gets it revealed that, HI, the FotS didn’t kidnap Godric. He admits he went there freely since he thought they would eventually get a vampire, and Eric goes O.O at this news. Nan goes WTF and Godric says WHY NOT? Nan cannot believe that Godric wanted to Meet the Sun, but Godric is like BELIEVE IT, YO, and Nan says YOU CRAZY, BITCH. And another piece of Eric’s heart breaks off. Nan also brings up Hugo, but Godric says NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG as Isabel shifts uncomfortably in the background. Godric says he’ll take responsibility, and Nan says YEP. Eric does not like this and says YOU COLD BITCH. (HEE!)

Nan does not care what Eric thinks, and she tells them all that it’s been a national vampire disaster, and NOBODY at the top has any sympathy for them. She flat fires Godric, and Godric AGREES, and another piece of Eric‘s heart dies. He says Isabel should take over, and THAT is how they are going to make up for Stan getting dead. SNEAKY. Anyway, Isabel is like GODRIC NO, but Eric is ENRAGED, and he actually shouts, “What are you saying? Sh-sh-she’s a bureaucrat! You don’t have to take shit from her!” WHOA. Stuttering and cussing? JEEZ, ERIC. CHILL. Nan is like SHUT IT VIKING OR I SHALL PWN YOU, TOO. Eric says that she doesn’t have the power to take his area away, and she says that she is on TV, so YEAH, SHE DOES.

Isabel jumps in and says that it’s her fault for not keeping a better hold on Stan, but Godric tells her to SHUT IT. He agrees to remove himself from all positions of authority, and now Eric looks like he’s definitely going to go put on some black eyeliner and make collages in his journal after the meeting is over. Sookie gets all ansty, and Bill is like STOP IT, but Sookie will not be denied. She tells Nan that Godric rescued her from Cro-Mitch, and Nan is like SO? But Sookie will not shut up, and she goes on to say that Godric saved humans and vampires both, and that it could have been much worse. Sookie says that she should be THANKING Godric. Nan goes OMFG FOR WHAT? HE SCREWED UP.

Eric has had enough of this, and he launches himself out of his chair, but Isabel intercepts him, and Godric just calmly says, “Eric,” and the SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE is stopped dead in his tracks. OOOH, GURRRL. Everybody settles down, and Nan wants to know every detail of the bombing, so Godric launches into the tale and calls Luke a ‘boy’. HEEE! OLD!

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Maxine is DRUNK, YO, and complaining about Hoyt, but there is bigger shit on the menu tonight, as Maryann walks in, accompanied by video music wind, and she’s like WHERE THE HELL IS SAM? THE GOD DEMANDS A SACRIFICE! Everybody gets the Black Eyes, and Arlene tells her he hasn’t been in all day, and Terry says he was planning on leaving town. Maryann is like FIND HIM!!! And she gets this crazy man voice, and OH NOES! Maxine gets the Black Eyes, too! EEPS!

Across town, we see the fly go up to a motel room door, and inside the room, Andy Bellefleur is drunk, again, and then there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and Sam is standing on the other side. Andy lets him in, and he doesn’t even ask why Sam is naked. I guess he’s decided to just go with it.

HBIC 4 LYFE Nan Flanagan is back in Room High Drama telling them what a fiasco the whole thing has been. Godric is looking at Nan, Eric is looking at Godric, Sookie is looking at Eric, and Bill is going WTF HOOR at Sookie. Nan tells Godric to come to her room to sign the papers, but Godric has some stuff to say first. OF COURSE HE DOES. He says he’s sorry for fucking everyone’s shit up, for all the dead people, and he will make amends. Sookie looks at Eric, and Eric looks like this O.O and some dramatic, mournful violins start up in the background. Nan is like WHATEVS and tells him it’s just a few signatures, but it’s obviously not. She leaves, and Eric jumps up and gets Godric’s face and says NO, and they are so close that I think their foreheads touched.

No? No what? Godric says “Look in my heart.” Eric is like LISTEN TO ME, and Godric says STFU. He says he’s going to the roof, and Eric is like TRAUMA FACE. Godric leaves, and Bill stands up, looking at Eric, and says “We have a score to settle.” And SHOO BOY does he look scary. Eric is all TRAUMA FACE NOT NOW, and Bill says UM, YEAH NOW, and he hauls off and punches the holy hell out of Eric, hard enough to make him spit blood. And Eric goes TRAUMA FACE some more, and Bill says GET IT, FUCKER? Eric just sort of goes PFFT, WHATEVS. He says it’s done, and that he’s part of her now (PHWOAR), so Bill needs to get over it and get out of his way. Bill does, of course, and Sookie just sort of stands there awkwardly IN A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE A PICNIC BLANKET.

I have to tell you. I’m totally in love with Bill at this point. I LOVE that he didn’t just sit there and take it like a wuss. He “spoke” his feelings to Eric, with no regard for Eric’s personal trauma at that moment, just the same way that Eric has NEVER had any regard for Bill’s feelings. Bill has been a bit of a victim. Eric has SHAMELESSLY abused his power and position to get what he wants, never mind that it constantly breaks Bill’s heart. YOU GO, BILL. YOU GO.

Anyway, Sookie says she’s going to go find Godric, and Bill is like OMG WHY. He’s not her concern, but she says that if it wasn’t for him, she’d be dead, and she has to do SOMEthing because Godric is in pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH, Sookie is so kind and sweet. We get it. Bill finally relents, and though he wants to go, Sookie says that he can’t because the sun is coming up. Sookie says that she’s safe, not to worry, and Bill comments on how tender-hearted Sookie is. And she is, guys. That’s one of the things that makes her great. Bill asks her what she can do for him, and Sookie says she doesn’t know, but that she just has to be there. Bill understands, kisses her, and sends her on her way.

On the roof of Hotel Self-Immolation, Sookie runs up the steps just in time to interrupt a male-bonding session. She really just should have waited for them to hug it out.

I’m going to stop right here and say that if I attempt to make the last scene of the episode funny in any way, I think people are going to track me down and immolate me. So, I’m not going to. I’m going to take the high road and just let everyone wallow in their grief and misery, and…

AHAHAHAH, RIGHT. NOT A CHANCE.

Anyway, Sookie runs up the steps just as Godric is telling Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric is like OMG I DON’T ACCEPT IT in this really awful cry-voice. He says it’s insanity, and Godric is like DUDE WE ARE VAMPIRES. WE ARE INSANITY. But really, Eric is right. How does killing yourself make amends for some fucktard coming in and blowing up your house? Does this make sense? NO. Which is a big fat plot hole. HELLO, in the books, Godfrey WANTED to kill himself, so after the big ruckus, he did. This LAME attempt at saying that Godric killing himself is a way to make amends for the chaos and dead people is RIDICULOUS. He’s SACRIFICING HIMSELF for the SINS OF OTHERS.

REALLY, ALAN BALL? REALLY? SHALL WE BUILD HIM A CROSS TO LEAN AGAINST WHILE HE DOES THIS? IS THIS THE HOTEL CALVARY? REALLY?

UGH.

Anyway, Eric is FREAKING OUT, screaming at Godric and then telling him that he will keep him alive BY FORCE. Godric sort of goes YEAH RIGHT, but then he says something that really sort of got me. He says, “Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?” And apparently, it gets Eric too because he starts with the lip trembling and the CRYING and he goes back to Swedish and is all PLEASE NO PLEASE. Godric tells him they’ve had centuries of faith and love between them, and Eric loses his shit big time. He starts crying and whining and blubbering, and I am sitting here going ARE YOU SERIOUS? He falls to his knees and is SOBBING HYSTERICALLY, and we see a shot of Sookie, and she just shakes her head. I AM WITH YOU, SOOKIE. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

Eric keeps on flipping out, and then…THEN…even my cold, dead heart melts a little because Godric says something that he said to Eric when he made him a vampire. The ETERNALLY AWESOME BELOVED BY FANDOM PHRASE:

“Father, brother, son. ~~Lover~~“

INSTANT DEATH.

Back now, and Eric STILL sobs, but then Godric says “Let me go,” and then the stupid red tears start streaking down Eric’s face, and he STOPS blubbering for a moment to say, “I won’t you let you die alone.” I actually went WHAT at my TV, but Godric saved me, and he says, “Yes, you will.” Which starts ANOTHER crying jag from Eric, and honestly, people, how are we supposed to accept this? One tear, I will buy that. BUT THIS? NEVER. NEV-ER. Eric is a BITCH ASS. YOU HEAR ME? A BITCH ASS.

Godric has apparently had enough of this, too, and he puts his hand on the back of Eric’s neck, and that is obviously enough to calm him because Eric stops crying long enough to look up at him, and Godric delivers the ultimate vampire smack down: AS YOUR MAKER, I COMMAND YOU.

So, now Eric has no choice, and he stands up, and the sun is coming up a little, so he looks terribly pretty, and he starts to walk away, casting a look back at Godric. Sookie grabs Eric’s hand and tells him that she’ll stay with Godric, and Eric slinks away ~~looking creepily like Jim Carrey~~. Godric tells Sookie that it won’t take long because he’s so old, and Sookie tells him that he was a dumbass for going to the FotS, and Godric is like YEAH, I KNOW. Then they have some talk about God that I am not going to talk about. SORRY, NO.

Godric eventually asks Sookie to care for Eric, and Sookie is like WHUT? HAVE YOU MET HIM? Godric sort of laughs and says that the way Eric is happens to be his fault, but Sookie says NO, HE’S JUST HIM. She asks him if he’s afraid, and he Godric starts to smoke and says, “I’m full of joy.” GUH. KILLER. MAN. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I mean, it’s HORRIBLE and SAD, but he’s smoking the whole time. This is unintentionally funny for a moment, and then Godric says that a human being with him at the end and crying is surprising. Sookie just cries her guts out, like A LOT. I’m talking tears flopping off her face all over the place.

The sun comes up, and he sort of motions for her to get away, and he takes off his shirt to reveal his awesome sexiness…just in time to strike a half-Jesus pose, and yes, burn up. But instead of the burning up we saw in season 1 when Bill did it--which was like flaking and ashes and such--Godric gets a little spark AND THEN HE IS COVERED WITH BLUE FLAMES.

BLUE. FLAMES.

WORST CGI FAIL IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.

Don’t try to tell me they’re blue because it’s so hot. THAT IS NOT WHY THEY ARE BLUE. And Godric is all flamey around his face, and he sort of goes SIGH and then POOF, he is gone.

Credits.

WHUT?

Post Episode Reaction:

Vlogtasia: A True Blood Vlog series

2009-08-11T10:55:00.001-04:00

I've started vlogging and putting them up on YouTube, and yes, they are about True Blood. Head over and check them out!

My YouTube Channel can be found here!

Here's the vlog from this week!

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Timebomb" aka GODric is Good

2009-08-11T10:53:00.001-04:00

True Blood Season 2: “Timebomb” aka GODric is Good.

Previously on True Blood…

Sam almost got killed by Maryann and the Black-Eyed Crazies, but Andy interrupted, and Sam got away! YAY! Hugo was the traitor, and that made Reverend Douche Newlin cry because he realized that Jason is Sookie’s brother! Sookie mind messaged Barry to get help, and Cro-Mitch had orders to kill Jason from Reverend Douche. Daphne told Sam what Maryann is…sorta, and Hoyt and Jessica are both adorable virgins! Reverend Douche tells Douche Wife about Jason, and she is a woman scorned and shoots him! Maryann made Eggs Daphne, and she smiled while he did it! Lorena is about to stake Bill, but Barry shows up with Sookie’s message. Eric hears it from across the hall, and vampires off to save Godric…oh, yeah, and Sookie, too, I guess. But for his trouble, Barry gets yanked into the hotel room! Cro-Mitch beats up Hugo then tries to rape Sookie, but Sookie is saved by Godric!

We pick up exactly where we left off, with Cro-Mitch struggling and Godric holding him by the neck. Cro-Mitch is all OMG DUDE, and Godric says OH SNAP to Cro-Mitch’s neck. Total PWNAGE after five seconds. Awesome. Godric tells Sookie she shouldn’t have come, and then they both hear a swooshing noise, which I guess is suddenly how you tell if a vampire is coming. I’m not sure about that because they’re usually so quiet, but maybe the vampire is running so fast that it’s loud. ANYWAY. They hear the noise, and Sookie stands up all OMG BILL YAY, but Godric smiles in complete ecstasy and says SORRY NO. Then he opens his eyes and says I AM HERE MY CHILD, and Eric vampires in the door, and is like this X_____X. He zombie walks over to Godric and sinks down to his knees and is all MASTER. Sookie looks moderately uncomfortable at this turn of events over in the corner.

Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans after him, and you can hear Eric’s heart breaking a little because of it, and Eric says he had no other choice and that the savages in the FotS are trying to destroy him. Godric says BITCH PLZ I KNOW and throws in that Hugo is the traitor. This is when Sookie remembers she is in the room, and she says that he was with the FotS and that they set a trap, but Eric does not care, YO. He asks Godric how long it’s been since he fed, and Godric tells him he doesn’t need much blood anymore, and that’s when the alarms start going off in the building. Godric tells Eric to save Sookie, but Eric says OMG NO that he is not leaving him. Godric says he can take care of himself, and he tells Eric to spill no blood on his way out. Eric bows his head, and then he shoves Sookie in front of him as they leave, and Godric looks ready to kick some ASS!

Credits. OMG OMG OMG. Fangirling is eminent.

Meanwhile, on the back roads of Woman Scorned Forest, Jason is blinking from his spot on the ground, and he realizes he’s not dead! YAY! He says Jesus saved him, and Douche Wife goes OMG STUPID because it was a paintball gun, as we all knew. Jason finally says what we have all been thinking--YOU CRAZY BITCH. Douche Wife goes on about how she let him into her house and her bed, well, her church balcony, and into her heart OMG! She violated everything she believes in to be with Jason, and that makes him worse than Judas, to which Jason responds “Why? What did he do to you?” Oh, Jason Stackhouse, you is a silly bitch. Douche Wife can finally take no more, and she goes FUCK YOU, and she shoots him in the man parts with her paintball gun. AHAHAHAHA! WIN! Douche Wife FTW. Jason howls and rolls around, and he apologizes, but I’m not sure that’s going to help.

Douche Wife says that Jason came to prey upon her and then ran like a coward, and Jason says UM, NO, that he ran from her husband and his “crazy weapon collection,” and really? Can you blame him? No. Jason thinks Douche Wife told him, but Douche Wife has only been told about him being Sookie’s brother, and then she blurts out that they have Sookie HA HA! This turns Jason into a crazy ass because any mention of Sookie makes him AWESOME, and Douche Wife says that the Stackhouses are nothing but lying, two-faced, vampire FUCKERS. (Hee.) Jason DOES NOT LIKE, and so he gets the gun from her, shoves her down, and steals her Gator of Righteous Indignation, telling her that if they’ve hurt Sookie, he’ll be back and NOT WITH NO PAINTBALL GUN! He speeds away, and Douche Wife tries to straighten herself up, but she has a long walk of shame back to Cult Camp in some mighty tall heels.

Back in the Church of Immortal BAMFs, everyone is running for their lives in a calm and orderly fashion, with Reverend Douche on the intercom telling them instructions, and I swear to you at once point it sounds like it says “…will provide you with skanks and silver.” BWUAHA. Eric and Sookie come up from the basement, and Eric is trying to find a way out, saying that he could have her out in seconds, but Sookie says OMG NO THE KIDS because there are a lot of innocent people running around. Sookie asks why he didn’t bring Bill, and Eric says that Bill’s insane devotion to her is ~~boring~~ ~~annoying~~ distracting, and that he would kill all the kids to save her. Sookie says WHY AREN’T YOU, as though he CARES about her or something, and Eric goes BITCH PLZ, and he’s following Godric’s orders. Sookie looks at him all AWWWW, and asks if Godric is his maker, to which Eric responds “Don’t use words you don’t understand.” Sookie then says “You have a lot of love for him,” to which Eric responds, “Don’t use words I don’t understand.”

And every fangirl’s heart EXPLODES.

Eric goes back to looking for a way out, just as the crazies are locking the front door, and he goes to do something, but Sookie goes ERIC, NO. Eric looks at her, then leans in SUPER CLOSE OMG and says, TRUST ME. (HEEEEE!) And then what is easily in the top five best moments of this show, Eric shows Sookie that he has a plan.

That plan is to pretend to be an FotSer by adopting the most HILARIOUS accent, and looking instantly like THE BIGGEST NERD EVER. Nerd!Skars in born, and it’s really a tribute to the kind of actor Askars is because EVERYTHING about him changes in that second. His voice, the set of his shoulders, his walk--it’s AMAZING. He walks over to the crazies and says, “Hey, ya’ll, how’s it goin’?”

AND THEN I DIED. END OF RECAP. THANK YOU FOR READING.

Eric tells the crazies that Steve sent him to watch the door, and the crazies look suspicious, and Eric looks strangely like Jim Carrey. O.o. But Nerd!Skars lays it on thick, grinning, and saying DANG, and the guys start to believe him, until they realize he doesn’t have a stake! He asks if he can borrow one of theirs, and when the guy refuses, EVERY trace of Nerd!Skars in gone, and Eric is back, laying the hypnovamp on the guy to get his stake from him. This is when another of the crazies get wise to the fact that HI, VAMPIRE, and moves to stake Eric. Sookie screams STAKE, YO, STAKE! And then the badassery begins, as Eric beats every one of the crazies up, and looks like a SEXY SEXY VIKING NINJA VAMPIRE while doing it.

He gets the last of the crazies pinned up against the wall, a stake to his throat, and Sookie comes flailing out all NO ERIC OMG! Eric pauses for a moment, then throws the stake down like DAMMIT FINE and drops the guy. He peeks out the front door, but the Soldiers of the Sun are on their way in and HI NO, so they go through the sanctuary, which is littered with sleeping bags and such. What a happy place for a massacre! They get halfway across the room, and Sookie says there are all kinds of exits, but then Reverend Douche’s voice dramatically rises up and says YEAH…TO HELL.

The Soldiers of the Sun and all the members of the church come in, and I’m betting Eric is having flashbacks of angry mobs with pitchforks, and Sookie says OMG NO ONE HAS TO DIE, but Reverend Douche is like SHUT IT WHORE. He says that the vampires cast the first stone by killing his family and IT IS ON, YO. Sookie starts yapping again about how Godric is a sheriff and how he got away, and now there are probably vampires on the way, but Reverend Douche is like PFT WHO CARES. He says that any vampire will do, and LOOKEY HERE. Sookie looks at Eric like O.O, and Eric looks at her and says “I’ll be fine.”

WHEN DID THESE TWO BECOME BFFS? DID WE MISS IT?

Anyway, Eric walks up and looks at Reverend Douche, and Reverend Douche asks like the crazy fuck that he is and is all YESSSS. VICTORY.

Back in at Hotel Poor Barry, Lorena has yanked Barry into the room and says YAY ROOM SERVICE! Barry goes o.O and in the middle of it, Bill goes O.O as his Sookie Sense is tingling, and says “Sookie.” Lorena goes [>.<] and says Sookie is like an annoying alarm clock. Whatevs. She tells Bill she’ll give him first bite of Barry, and Bill says OMG NOT HUNGRY. Lorena just rolls her eyes and says he’s lame, and Barry goes OMG NO DIE PLEASE. But Lorena bites him, then stops and goes o.O because he tastes funny.

This is when Bill smashes her over the head WITH A FLATSCREEN TV. EPIC BILL. EPIC.

Bill beats her ass one more time with the TV, then he throws it down, grabs Barry, and is OUT, YO. Lorena lays a-bleeding on the floor as we cut to…OMG CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Hoessica are going at it, and I’m very VERY disturbed, but whatever. I will try to deal with it. They’re going at it, and Bill busts in and when he realizes what he’s seeing, he gets the CUTEST embarrassed face EVER. Jessica screams and is all ZOMG DAD, and Hoyt tells Bill that whatever he heard, they were screams of pleasure. Bill just goes *FACEPALM* and tells Hoyt that if he cares about Jessica that he will take her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises, and then he vampires out of the room again.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Lafayette is reading Tara’s tarot cards (he can do that now?) and, predictably, her future is full of bad shit. Eggs comes busting in all the sudden, and Lafayette realizes this is the time for him to make an exit. Eggs is all manic asking what time it is because OH NOES he blacked out again, and he thinks he might have done something bad. Then he cries. Really, Eggs? Tara is comforting, and they leave, and Eggs cries. CRIES. And Lafayette looks nervous.

Back at the Church of the Flaming Vampire, Jason comes riding up in the gator, and tells the guys guarding the door that it’s okay because he’s a cadet at the L.O.D.I., and he holds up his paintball gun like it’s real, and says HONESTY, YO, and the guard guy says DUDE and holds up his ring and they go WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE. Oh, Show. I love you. Jason heads up the church, and the guy tosses out that they have a vampire and a fangbanger chick, and that’s when Guy realizes it’s just a paintball gun, and Jason hits him in the face with it and runs away. WORD, JASON. WORD.

Now we’re creeping up on somebody sleeping in a car, and it turns out it’s Sam. He wakes up just as his phone starts ringing, and it says MURDERED GIRL IN YOUR FREEZER CALLING, and when he answers THERE’S NOBODY THERE except creepy breathing! He goes back to Shithole Bar and Grill and finds Daphne in his freezer sans heart. And the best part? He’s not even sad. He’s upset because they’re going to think he’s a murderer again. He starts to put Daphne in garbage bags(?) but then reconsiders and starts to call the police. But guess what? THE POLICE ARE ALREADY THERE. OOOOH.

Over at Casa de MaryannSucksHouse, Maryann is making some vegetables in a pan, and then she prepares the secret ingredient. DAPHNE’S HEART. This scene is really just too gross for words, so we’ll skip it. She makes Heart Stirfry, and she looks like a crazy whorebitch while she does it.

Back at Our Lady of Crucified Vikings, they’ve got Eric on their goofy throne thing, and he’s being held down by silver chains that are burning him up, and Reverend Douche says, “Just as Our Lord, Our Savior was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!” To which Sookie, who is being forcibly restrained, says, “That doesn’t make any sense!” Which, it doesn’t. ANYWAY. Eric gets all dramatic and says all breathy-like that he’s “offering himself in exchange for Godric…and oh, yeah, Sookie, too, I guess.” But Reverend Douche is having none of that and says THANKS BUT NO because she is a WHOREY WHORE and maybe they should tie her to Eric so she can meet the sun, too!

This is when there are screams and zooming from outside, and Bill comes running in and screams SOOOKIIIIEEEEE, and Sookie goes HEE! Bill vampires up, but Reverend Douche has a REAL gun, and he points it at Sookie, which stops Bill dead. (HA pun!) Bill responds by saying that if he shoots her, everybody will DIE, YO. Reverend Douche goes JEEZ and asks Sookie what they see in her, but as he orders the Soldiers of the Sun to get some chains for Bill, a voice screams NEWLIN and Reverend Douche gets shot in the hand…with a paintball rifle…by Jason who then shoots him again RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. Can I describe to you how much WIN this scene has become?

Bill takes that moment to vampire up and knock everybody down to rescue Sookie, but Sookie pulls away and runs up to take the chains off Eric. (OOOH, symbolic of how she saved Bill the same way and Bill was in LURVE.) Bill is like SOOKIE WTF, and as Eric gets up, he looks like the crazy psycho he is, and he grabs Reverend Douche and is all fangy staring down at him like I KEEL YOU. Sookie is screaming NO ERIC, and Jason is screaming DO IT, and Reverend Douche is like BRING IT FOOLS. WE ARE READY TO DIE. But I have to tell you, nobody else in that place looks ready to die.

TOO BAD because Team Vampire has showed up, and they are lead by Stan who is all WHAT UP, PARTNER, LET’S DO THIS THANG. Everybody is starting to get very nervous, and Stan tosses out that HI, YEAH, they did kill the first Reverend Douche, and Bill goes [>.<] and Sookie goes OMG NO, though she already knew this. Reverend Douche goes OMG MURDERER, and Stan goes DUH, and says KILL THESE FOOLS, and all of Team Vampire gets out their fangs, and every one of them grabs an FotSer. Stan grabs the Lukeanator, and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t going EAT HIM because you SO WERE. Anyway, they all grab their church-goer and prepare to eat, and then…

Then Godric’s dulcet tones ring from on high (LITERALLY) and I’m pretty sure that Godric is wearing a track suit, so now we know where Eric gets his fashion sense. Everybody stops and looks up at Godric, and Godric says LET THERE BE PEACE, and there was, and it was good. Godric says that there’s no reason for killing, and he asks Reverend Douche if he will be peaceful, and Reverend Douche says HELLS NO, and that he doesn’t negotiate with sub-humans. Then he yanks down his tie and gets on his knees in front of Eric and is all DO IT, JESUS WILL SAVE ME. This is when Godric says that he’s older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have met him.

AND I DIE AGAIN. THANKS FOR COMING FOLKS.

Godric then vampires down faster than any we’ve seen yet, and he grabs Reverend Douche and asks the people if any of them are willing to die for their crazy crazy preacher. Of course, none of them are, and Godric tells Team Vampire to stand down, and tells the people to GTFO, and they make tracks LIK WO. Sookie snuggles up against Bill, and Stan looks very depressed he didn’t get to eat anyone, and then, randomly, the Lukeanator looks like HE would have died for Reverend Douche if Godric had given him a second to answer. Reverend Douche is going OMG DON’T LEAVE ME, but everybody does. ;_; Godric is like HA HA, REV, and tells everyone LET’S GO. Stan steps up and says WTF? And Godric says I SAID LET’S GO, and Stan reluctantly obeys.

Then we flash over to where Bill and Sookie are standing, and Eric, who was just nearly fried by the sun and was made all mushy by silver, looks at Sookie and says, “Are you sure you’re okay?” just as sweet as can be. Bill goes WTF I KEEL YOU at Eric and tells him to go with his maker, and WTF, BILL? Who are you to order your sheriff to do anything? But whatevs, Eric goes, and Jason runs over to hug Sookie and apologizes to her for being a brainwashed fucktard. He says that Reverend Douche sucked out his brain and planted a bunch of babies in there. Reverend Douche goes OMG SHUT IT and tells them that they’ll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.

To which our little Jason Stackhouse responds that he’s already been to heaven and IT’S INSIDE YOUR WIFE, and then he punches Reverend Douche RIGHT THE FUCK OUT, and he is only stopped by Bill. As they’re leaving he throws his ring at Reverend Douche and calls him a ‘white suit-wearing motherfucker.’ Reverend Douche just sits down and cries as they leave.

Who loves Jason right now? Show of hands?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sheriff Bud and Kenya are interrogating Sam, and apparently, it was an anonymous tip that sent them out there before Sam could even call. Sam is like DUH FRAME JOB, and Kenya brings up that he and Daphne were supposedly dating. Sam says they broke up (ooh), and Kenya says that this is the second time in two weeks a woman has been found at the bar with no heart (ouch), AND it’s the third waitress of his that has been murdered (not looking good). Sam mentions that it was RENE OMG who killed the other ones, and he says YOU KNOW ME. But Andy says, yeah, not so much because Sam’s past is mysterious.

This is when Andy walks in, and he hasn’t changed clothes from the day before, and he tells Bud OMG it is NOT Sam, and that he saw the orgy, and it was the BULL WITH THE CLAWS IN THE DRESS WITH CLAWS. Bud and Kenya just go OMG. WTF. Andy has been so great. SO GREAT. Andy is like SAM BACK ME UP, and Sam is like HI, NO. And Andy goes AWWW, SHIT.

Back at Casa de Blackout, Tara tells Eggs that they aren’t the only ones who are blacking out, and Eggs says that think she did something really bad, which OF COURSE is when Maryann shows up and says HI HEY WHAT’S UP. Eggs says that he’s trying to piece everything together, and Maryann says that maybe Eggs has been enjoying himself too much, and suggests they let up on the partying. LIKE IT’S HIS FAULT. Then she says HAAAAAAAAAAAAAY SNACKS READY. WTF? What is this bitch on?

Tara and Eggs go into the dining room, and Maryann brings out this souffle, and all of us starting going “No…they woudn’t…no, no way!” BUT YES WAY. YES FUCKING WAY, and Maryann calls it Hunter Souflee, and when Tara cuts into it, IT IS BLOODY, and BLOOD COMES OUT of the BLOOD PASTRY and they act like they don’t even notice! LIKE IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. Then they start eating it, and it is SO GOOD, and they start feeding each other, and then my food weirdness kicks in, and I have to stop watching. But they are like STUFFING their faces and laughing, and saying MMMMM.

Party at Godric’s crib, and the joint is rockin’ and full of vampires. Godric is sitting in his chair from Ikea, and everybody is coming up to say welcome back or something, and Stan walks up and says that everybody is very relieved he is home, but Godric doesn’t look so convinced. Next in line is…Jason? WTF? Jason says he’s sorry for what the FotS did, and as he starts to leave, Godric says that he helped save a lot of lives, and that he will always have friends in Dallas when he visits. Jason says he probably won’t be visiting any time soon KTHNXBAI.

Jason starts to wander off, but as he comes around the corner, he runs smack into Eric. Eric says that while Jason is a hero in Dallas, back home, he buys and uses V. Jason goes EEP and tries to say that he doesn’t do it anymore, but Eric tells him that they’re even since he helped save Godric. Eric tells him DON’T DO THAT NO MORE, and Jason says okay, then Eric says, “Good boy. Run along.” And Jason does, and Eric grins like a loon. HEEEEEE.

We finally see Sookie, and she’s dressed in some weird coat dress thing that the vampires gave her, but WHOA, she might have been better off in the Kidnap Dress. As soon as they’re alone, Sookie is like WTF BILL. She asks him what the hell took him so long to find her, and why is he avoiding her? Bill tries to brush it all off, but Sookie is having none of that, and wouldn’t you know? Somewhere under that hideous dress thing, Sookie has found her Woman Empowerment Cape.

Oh, Sookie. Welcome back. We have missed you.

She grills Bill about why he didn’t come running for her, and Bill says he was “held” and immediately Sookie assumes it was Eric. As soon as she says it, we hear this “Hmmmmmm…” and Eric saunters over and says “I heard my name.” And his ARMS and, like, THERE and BIG and LOVELY, and he says he hopes Sookie was speaking well of him. Apparently, Sookie forgets that they were just BFF and gets all grouchy about how he let her walk into a trap. Eric says he’s that he regrets that and pretends like he didn’t know it was a possibility, but Sookie calls him out on that shit and says OMG YOU DID KNOW and that because it was Godric, he didn’t care. Eric pretty much agrees with that and says that the bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than she can imagine, but PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT.

DEAD. AGAIN. SO DEAD.

Bill does not like this talk, and he goes I KEEL YOU at Eric. There’s a whole lot of eye-moving. Bill looks at Eric, and Eric looks at Sookie, and Sookie looks at Bill and then at Eric, and Eric looks at Bill and then Sookie, and it’s just a LOOKAPALOOZA.

Over in Bon Temps, Hoessica is back at Bill’s, and they’re making some more child porn, but as they start getting busy again, Jessica starts to say OW OW OW, and that’s when they realize…and yes, this is probably the greatest thing I have ever heard IN MY LIFE…that because Jessica is a vampire…her V-Card grows back. It will grow back EVERY TIME she has sex. AHAHAHAHAHA. How freaking tragic is that?

Back at Godric’s House of Male Superiority, Bill corners Eric and grabs him by the arm. Eric goes UM, WHUT, and tells Bill “I don’t like being touched.” Bill answers “Oh, believe me, I don’t like touching you.” ~~LIAR LIAR FANGS ON FIRE.~~ Bill tells Eric that him and Sookie’s BFFness is OVER. Eric says BITCH PLZ. Bill tells him that calling in Lorena because he couldn’t land Sookie himself is LAME and RIDICULOUS, even for him. Eric just grins, and is all AHAHA ARE YOU PICKING A FIGHT? Like it’s the CUTEST thing he’s ever heard, and adds, “I’d like to see you try.”

SO WOULD WE ALL.

Bill hisses that Sookie will NEVER be Eric’s ~~AHAHAHAHAH~~, and there is NOTHING he can do so he should just GET OVER IT, YO. Just then, Isabel comes in, dragging Hugo with her, and everybody goes OOH, GIRL because she is SO going to be in trouble for letting a traitor in. She brings Hugo and throws him on the floor in front of Godric. She’s been crying, and it’s actually really sad because she totally loves him. Godric knows this, and since he is a kind and merciful Lord, Godric lets Hugo go, but he tells him to NEVER come back. Stan doesn’t like this development, but really, there’s nothing he can do. He beckons Eric to escort Hugo and Isabel out, and Eric is like YES, GODRIC.

Sookie notices Bill is trying to do a runner after the show is over, and she corners him and asks him why he would be talking to Eric if he kidnapped him. For a minute, we think that Bill is going to lie, but he doesn’t have the chance. Jason shows up and asks to talk to Bill. It’s like Sookie’s HEAD is going to explode at this point, but Bill says OKAY LET’S GO, and he and Jason head out back to talk.

Over at Not the Killer State Penitentiary, Bud is leading a hand-cuffed Sam into a jail cell, for his “protection,” and we see that some of our Black-Eyed Crazies are also locked up, most notably Creepy Mike Spencer who is in jail for sodomizing a pine tree. W.T.F. Sam is incredulous because really WTF?

Out back of Godric’s House of Awkward Male Bonding, Jason asks Bill to forgive him for being a close-minded bigoted moron. Bill says thank you and tells Jason that he’s thankful that Jason helped rescue Sookie, and Jason says it was the least he could do and that he’s sorry it took so long for him to wake up. And then…you know it’s coming…you can see it in Jason’s eyes…you know what he’s going to do…AND THEN HE DOES IT. He HUGS Bill. Awkward Man Hug FTW! When he pulls back, he asks Bill if that was okay for him, and Bill says “It was fine.” HEEEEEEEEEE!

Inside the house, Isabel and Eric are back, and Eric dismisses some skank from talking to Godric with just the nod of his head and goes down to sit beside Godric like the drooling fan boy that he is. Hugo has been dispatched, and Eric has arranged for an AB Negative human for Godric. Godric says THANKS NO HUNGRY, and Eric acts like his mom and says YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. This is too hilarious for words. Godric tells him that the FotS didn’t treat him badly and that they’re just ordinary people. Eric is quietly outraged by this because they are making everybody hate vampires, and Godric is like HELLO? WE ARE SCARY. He says it’s the fault too because after thousands of years, they haven’t evolved either, they’ve only gotten worse. Godric is a human-loving vampire, obviously, but in a way that indicates how old and wise he is. Eric says that is why he didn’t fight when the came to take him, and Godric says that he could have PWNED those fools, but what would it have proven? Eric just sort of stares at him like DUDE, YOU ARE DEEP.

Back at OMFG GROSS WTF, Tara and Eggs ate the whole disgusting snack Maryann made for them, and Tara is like ZOMG I AM SO FAT, and then something strange happens. Eggs is like OMG I AM ALIVE. Then they start to argue in a AHAHAHA way. Then…they start hitting each other. Then they start REALLY hitting each other. By the end, they’re kicking each other’s asses, and then laying on the floor for SEXY SEXY, and Maryann is watching with glee, and I am COMPETELY and TOTALLY disturbed.

Back at Godric’s House of Foreshadowing, we see somebody pull up in front of the place, and then he starts creepy creeping up to the house all slow like, but WHO IS IT? Inside, trouble has just walked through another door, and that trouble’s name is Lorena, and she looks more FUG than ever. Her hair is a mess, and her dress is ORANGE, and I can’t stop laughing because OMG YOU PSYCHO. She makes a beeline for Sookie, and in her weird squinty way, she’s like O HAI. Sookie is just as bright and cheerful as ever as she introduces herself, and honestly, I don’t know how Lorena can see her out of those SQUINTY eyes. Lorena starts the bitchfight off by calling Sookie a morsel, and Sookie goes SCUSE? Lorena says they have a friend in common, and she can’t believe that bill hasn’t mentioned here because HI, MAKER. That is when Bill comes rushing in and is like LORENA WTF?

Bill is like I CAN EXPLAIN, and Lorena says EXPLAIN THE LAST TWO NIGHTS, which really sound worse than it is, and Sookie goes WTF. Lorena mentions that Bill hit her with a television, and Sookie acts like that is the best thing she’s ever heard. Lorena does give us one moment of lulz by saying she hopes that Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” because there is no excuse for domestic violence. AHAHAHA. Bill loses his rag at this point and tells Sookie that Lorena was holding him hostage. Lorena is like WHAT? NO, and when she goes to touch Bill, Sookie steps up to the plate and knocks this shit out of the park.

Sookie says DO NOT TOUCH BITCH, and everyone is suddenly looking over at the catfight. Lorena goes AHAHA WHATEVER, HAPPY MEAL, and she tells Sookie that she can’t win. This is absolutely the WRONG thing to say to Sookie, and Sookie says AHAH I ALREADY DID. She says that Bill chose her, and still Lorena is a pathetic saddo who won’t give up. Bill intervenes because, yes, though this is WONDERFUL, Lorena could kill Sookie in a second. Lorena tells Sookie to listen and to RUN AWAY, LITTLE GIRL. Sookie is OUTRAGED, but Lorena walks around the table toward Bill and says that they are in love FOREVER AND EVER, and Bill says HI NO and tells Lorena to GTFO because she is CRAZY.

Sookie can take no more, and she flaps her Cape about and tells Lorena that while she might love Bill, Bill does NOT love her, and he never has, SO THERE. This is now too much for Lorena, who pops a fang and tells Sookie to TAKE IT BACK OMG. Bill tries to wrestle Sookie out the door, but NO ONE can contain Sookie when HER MAN IS ON LINE, and she says STFU FUCKING BITCH AND DIAF! Lorena throws Bill out of the way like he is a rag doll and grabs Sookie Jason is starting to run forward to save his sister, but there is no need, for a hand appears and pulls Lorena off Sookie oh so gently.

Godric, of course, and he tells Lorena to Retract. Her. Fangs. She does, and Godric says that he doesn’t know or care who she is, but in that area, and deffo in that house, he is the boss, GOT IT? And Eric is like RIGHT THERE beside Godric, as though Godric needs protecting, but it’s kind of cute. Lorena says she understands, and Godric lets her go and tells her that Sookie is the shit so WTF? Lorena says that Sookie provoked her, and Godric gets up in her face and says YOU PROVOKE ME BITCH. He says he could snap her like a twig, but he hasn’t. Why? And Lorena who is SHAKING with terror says because it’s his choice. And Godric says WORD, BITCH. He tells her that she’s had hundreds of years to better herself, but she hasn’t. She sucks, and she’s the reason people hate vampires, so she needs to GTFO. Godric tells Bill to escort her and to GTFO of his area before dawn.

Lorena takes the walk of shame with Bill, and she tries to make us feel sorry for her by saying she doesn’t know how it got that way, that she can’t help if she still loves him. Then she starts crying and shows that she is such a pathetic waste of fangs that I can’t even stand it. It’s RIDICULOUS. Lorena asks when they’ll see each other again, and Bill says NEVER, YO. Lorena is like PFF RIGHT.

Back inside the house, everyone has calmed down, and Jason is back to his old manwhore ways with some girl, and that creepy creeper from before starts walking slowly into the room, and IT’S THE LUKEANATOR. Jason sees him and goes WTF? Luke tells him to stay away and pushes him out, telling him go, then he raises his voice and says O HAI EVERYBODY FOTS IN THE HIZZY. He tells them that he has a message from Reverend Douche, and then he unzips his coat and HE IS WRAPPED IN SILVER CHAINS AND A BOMB!

AND HE PUSHES THE DETONATOR!

WHICH BLOWS US AWAY TO THE CREDITS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BEST. EPISODE. EVER. See my vlog later today for deeper thoughts.

What did you think?

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Release Me" aka All Aboard the Betrayal Train

2009-08-03T11:51:00.000-04:00

True Blood Season 2--”Release Me”

Previously on True Blood…

Eric called Lorena in to make trouble for Bill, Isabel offers up her man-friend to help Sookie at the FotS, SEXY SEXY VIKING FLASHBACK, Sookie wigs Barry the Bellboy out enough to make him quit his job, Jason thinks he’s being punished for getting the holy hand job, PAM shows back up to make Lafayette start selling V again, Hoyt surprised Jessica in Dallas, the Douche Newlins totally kidnap and imprison Sookie and Hugo, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, but Lorena is there to totally maker-rape him so he can’t go save her, Jason and Douche Wife finally get it on IN THE CHURCH, Daphne turns out to be the traitorous wench we always knew she would be and turns Sam over to Maryann at the Grossest Orgy In History, and Maryann wears the Bull Man Thing mask and has a knife! OH NOES! SAM!

The show picks up with someone running wildly through the woods, but it’s not who you think. It’s Andy! And he faceplants and then yells “PIIIIIIIG!” In about four seconds, Andy might have stolen the trophy for best opening ever. Anyway, he hears some crazy drums in the distance and starts to follow them, and we follow them back to the scene of that hideous orgy from last week, but instead of an orgy, it now looks like a rave where everyone took some really bad Ecstasy. Most of them are naked, sure, but instead of doing dirty things, they are now all kind of dancing around and groaning. And OOH, Eggs has a hold of Sam, and he pushes him down on a rock…a rock very similar to that one he and Tara found after their impromptu ramble on the way to get the water heater part. I think I know what Eggs is now!!

Anyway, Sam is all O.O and Zombie!Tara dances up to him, all crazy black-eyes, and goes OOOOH JUST GIVE IN HEE HEE IT’S SO GREAT, and then she sort of licks his face. Gross. Then Maryann raises up out of the crowd, and she has the crazy claw hands and is wearing the Bull Man Thing head and doing the hippy hippy shake, and THIS is when Andy comes stumbling out of the woods and goes WTF? Maryann starts advancing on Sam, and we know what is coming, but just before she can get close enough to get him, Andy fires off his gun, and everyone stops and goes o.O at him. This is just the chance Sam needs, and he head butts Eggs and then totally slaps the holy hell out of Daphne (WIN!) and takes off running like a madman. Eggs starts SCREAMING, and then everybody else starts screaming, and see what happens when you take bad Ecstasy? So no to drugs, kids, because nobody is having a good time now. They just scream like screaming things, and Maryann tears ass after Sam.

Sam meanwhile is running for his life LITERALLY, and Maryann is coming up from behind, and I’m sorry. If this was supposed to be creepy, EPIC FAIL. Maryann is wearing a dress! A Bull Man Thing in a dress is not scary! Sam is running, and he just so happens to see an owl sitting on the branch of a tree, so YAY, he can shift into an owl and fly away, which is what he does. Maryann stops and looks up like OMG WHERE YOU GO, then she picks up his discarded shirt with one of her gross hands and stares MENACINGLY at the sky! FOILED AGAIN!

Credits, now with more fish guts and rotting fox carcasses!

After the credits, we’re back on the set of When Raves Go Wrong, and Andy is just flabbergasted at what he is seeing. Everybody has lost their shit, and he’s just holding his gun and staring. But then everyone stops screaming, and they’re all just walking around like zombies that don’t even know he’s there. Andy sees Terry standing there with no pants on(!), and he’s like ZOMG TERRY PUT ON SOME PANTS but instead, Zombie!Terry decided to break Andy’s arm! Zombie!Arlene thinks this is hilarious, and they run off together as Andy writhes in pain.

Back in the Basement of the Unholy, Sookie is yelling for Godric from the insanely huge cage that Reverend Douche Newlin put her in, but Hugo is just pacing and freaking out, going on about how claustrophobic he is. What I am really noticing are the fantastic things that the FotS has in their basement. Huge statues of Jesus and easily the most hilarious collection of board games ever--the best being “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator.” And I do believe that the picture on the front of the “Send them Back to Hell” game is a cartoon of Kiefer Sutherland in “The Lost Boys.“ AHAHA. Oh, FotS, you are great for the lulz. Anyway, Sookie takes a minute to calm down that whiny bitch Hugo, and she tells him everything will be okay, like she’s trying to hypnovamp him. It apparently works because Hugo calms down immediately.

Sookie starts talking about the fact that the Douches knew who they were when they got there, AND they knew to try to get Sookie at the airport. We’ve got a leak! Hugo mentions that it might be a vampire *coughStancough* using the FotS to get Godric out of the way, but Sookie says that’s crazy, and she would know about crazy. Hugo says, WELL DUH, but Sookie brings up that Bill and Eric would do worse to Stan when they found out, so that logic is pretty sound. AHAHA, this is when Sookie realizes…OH YEAH. WTF BILL? She looks kind of sad when she mentions that Bill must have sensed her fear and that he’d be busting up in that bitch any minute, but she really doesn’t sound very sure about that or she’s scared about something. Turns out, yes, she is because if the FotSers are going to cook a vampire for everyone to see, what the hell else could they do?

Back in the Hotel Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Bill is screaming at Lorena to let him GTFO, but she’s right in front of the door, and when Bill comes up to her, she takes a big whiff and says “You smell like her. Sweet…and cheap.” WTF LORENA! I mean, yes, Sookie is cheap, but this evil whorebitch doesn’t get to say that! Only WE get to say that. Bill tries to get past her, but Lorena just calmly throws him over furniture, and then she puts the heel of her stiletto right against his heart and says PFFF LAME. Bill manages to get free by throwing HER across the room, but she beats him to the door and says SRSLY? This was the point when Lorena’s accent finally made me sick, and we deal with Bill every week, so you know it has to be bad. Bill asks her why she there, and then she smiles and says, “I’ve missed you.” AND I BARF. OMFG Lorena is so LAME and PATHETIC.

As I’m sure we’re about to see in yet another hilarious flashback into the lives of Bill and Lorena! It’s 1935 now, and Bill is wearing a HILARIOUS smoking jacket and reading a book, and it is obvious that somewhere between that last flashback with the transvestite flapper and now, Bill has become Grouchy Pants McGee. I don’t know, I think it’s the set of his eyebrows. He just looks…CURMUDGEONY. Lorena comes in wearing a very unflattering green dress, and Bill gets that look that battered housewives get when their husband comes home from work early and unexpectedly. Lorena says she hates musicals, but apparently, she doesn’t hate chorus girls because one comes in behind her. This chorus girl is named Frances, and OMG she’s insipid. Lorena tells Frances to show “Alfred” her talent, and Frances starts dancing around like a loon until Bill turns off the record player and goes HMPH.

Lorena lays the hypnovamp on Frances and tells her that Bill is in one of his moods again, but then Bill vampires up behind her and tells Lorena OMG I SAID NO MORE. Lorena brushes this off and gets all vampire porn star on him, all fangalicious up on Frances’ neck and talking about how she smells like apricots. And if you thought Lorena could not get more hideous, you were wrong. When her fangs are out and she’s trying to talk, WOOF. Anyway, poor Bill can only take so much so his fangs pop out, and he slinks up to them, but at the last minute, he says OMG LEAVE. And Frances goes KAY and bolts for the door. Lorena goes -_- and says “You are such a wet blanket,” which yes, made me laugh. But it is obvious it is not another day in paradise in the Compton-Whorebitch household. The honeymoon is over BIG TIME.

Bill makes me love him just a little more when he tells Lorena he can’t stand the sight of her, and Lorena just goes OMG DRAMA QUEEN. I think one of the problems I have with Lorena is that her facial features and terrible acting make it impossible for me to tell what emotion she is trying to express. That, and she’s a whorebitch. Anyway, Lorena says maybe they should head back south so that Bill is less depressed, and Bill goes AHAHA I’M NOT DEPRESSED. I JUST HATE YOU. Bill goes all IT’S OVER and ZOMG THE INNOCENTS. Apparently, Bill has a case of the grouchies because he feels bad about all the horrible things he’s done. Lorena goes OMFG PEOPLE ARE FOOD GET OVER IT. But Bill is on a roll now, and he starts yelling about how she’s lost her humanity and stolen his, and I AM A MONSTER!

Lorena goes YAWN and tells him that he’ll get over that pesky conscience, but Bill says NO BITCH, and Lorena is upset? Sad? Happy? Who knows, but we do know that she has decided it is time for a big fat domestic and she picks up a hideous lamp and chucks it at Bill who catches like O RLY? We flash back to present time, and Bill puts on his best SERIOUS FACE, and tells Lorena that if anything has happened to Sookie, I KEEL YOU BITCH. Lorena just sort of stares at him and says “It’s true. You are in love with a human.” And she finds that full of lulz, and then she does LOL, like, A LOT.

Over on the Back Lawn of Cult Camp, Isabel and Eric are standing there being leather-clad badasses. Eric looks down at Cult Camp and says SRSLY? THIS IS IT? Isabel says not to overestimate them because they are fanatics, and fanatics are insane and will totally die for their cause. Eric makes this little growly sound, and all of us faint because ZOMG ERIC GROWLED. Isabel tells him to settle down, and Eric mentions that Hugo and Sookie have been in the church for way too long. Isabel says NUH UH, that she felt Hugo FREAK OUT for a minute a while ago, but it’s nothing. NOTHING? The guy is about to pass out in the basement, and it’s nothing? Isabel sucks

Eric asks her what she finds so great about having a human boyfriend, and Isabel says it’s because they feel more strongly than vampires, and everything is OMG URGENT because their lives are so temporary. Eric goes PFF “They certainly don’t keep well.” AHAH oh, Eric. Then he asks if the fact that Hugo will grow old and ick makes her sick, and she says no because it’s interesting…LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. WTF? Then Isabel asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric is the biggest liar EVER and says he isn’t interested in Sookie. LIAR LIAR LEATHER JACKET ON FIRE. Oh, and he doesn’t care how Bill feels. He only cares about finding Godric, and Isabel is like RIGHT. Eric then mentions how it’s totally not possible for the FotS to keep Godric captive because he’s the eternal BAMF, so it’s got to be something else…something NOT HUMAN! OH NOES!

Now we go inside the Church of BrownChickenBrownCow, and Jason and Douche Wife are all snuggly post-coital, and Jason is like SCORE. But Douche Wife is…crying? AHAHA. It’s always better when they cry. But it turns out, she’s crying because she’s HAPPY. She’s so HAPPY because SHE LOVES HIM. THEY ARE MEANT TO BE. Turns out, Douche Wife is just like any other woman meaning she is crazy, and Jason starts to get freaked out just in time for Douche Wife to tell him that they have to go…AND TELL REVEREND DOUCHE. Uhh, WHUT? Jason brings up the fact that Reverend Douche has guns, and they’re having a lock-in, and they will be locked-in with Steven and his guns. Douche Wife comes to her senses and decides to put the lock-in before her personal feelings, and they decide to tell Reverend Douche after the Meet the Sun ceremony. Douche Wife runs off, and Jason goes O.O

Back at Hotel Underage Girl Much, Hoyt and Jessica are making out, and yes, how cute, we find out that Hoyt is actually a virgin. Jessica laughs all AHAHAH but tells him that she’s a virgin, too, so that is fine. Honestly, guys, I am trying to care here and be unbiased in my recaps, but I am finding it difficult. I am creeped out because Hoyt says he is 28, and Jessica is only 17, and that is BEYOND ick to me. So anyway, yes, they decide they’re going to do it sometime in the near future, but not tonight, so they snuggle down to sleep, and Jessica warns Hoyt not to freak out if she looks a little dead. HA. Okay, so that was cute.

Now we’re walking up the Hallway of Eric Hates Everyone, and Stan is going on about how maybe Hugo and Sookie joined the FotS and that’s why they’re not back, but Isabel reminds him OMG HUGO IS MINE, and Stan makes a good point in saying that if she really cared, they would have been at the church already. Eric is walking ahead of them with this -_- look because it’s obvious that he can’t stand Stan, but really, who can? Isabel tells him that’s why he’ll never be sheriff because he’s a dumbass, and Stan counters by saying that she’s too chicken to do anything, and that’s why HE’S been getting Godric’s coffee for 40 years. What? Huh?

Anyway, then Stan turns on Eric, who is trying to ignore the situation and just get into his room, and he says that they’ve got Eric’s maker and his telepath, and he hasn’t done anything about it. You can see it in Eric’s eyes that he has had about enough of this shit, and he vampires over and pushes Stan up against the wall and looks HELLA scary. Even Isabel is like GULP. Eric finally tells Stan that he thinks this is all so he can become sheriff, and Isabel reminds him that they don’t have any proof. Eric assures Stan that once he finds the proof OMG NO MERCY. But in the meantime, he doesn’t care if they bicker or if they go to the FotS and kill everyone. I DON’T CARE, YO. All he cares about is finding Godric because, and I quote, “If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back with I have lost.” And then HE CRIES A SINGLE TEAR OF BLOOD.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredulous I felt at this ERIC DOES NOT CRY. ERIC WOULD NOT CRY. And beyond that, is it really THAT big of a deal? How long has it been since he saw Godric? Are they BFFs? I mean after a thousand years, are you really going to be THAT UPSET about your maker being gone? I’m not sure I understand the dynamic here, but I do know that ERIC WOULD NOT CRY, and so this scene is EPIC FAIL to me. UGH. I’ll talk more about this at the end. For now, ONWARD!

We’re back at Casa de Sexhouse, and Tara and Eggs are just waking up in the living room, and Tara immediately starts freaking out because she can’t remember how she got there. In fact, she can’t remember anything except going into the woods. The whole night is just blanked out of her memory. Eggs says it might be the joint they smoked because Maryann’s weed is serious shit, and Tara goes AH HA! She mentions this to Eggs, how he couldn’t remember being at the creepy campsite either, but Eggs says I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. When Tara starts freaking out because yes OBVIOUSLY this makes her like her mother, Eggs comforts her and she is properly distracted. Smooth move, Eggs. Then Tara says sometimes Eggs is like Sookie because it’s like he can read her mind, and I go WTF? Tara just spills the beans like that about Sookie? What kind of secret-keeper is she?

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam comes running in after his night on the prOWL (AHAHA I suck.), and he’s completely freaking out, as he should. He goes into his office and digs in this secret area of his fireplace and pulls out a huge handgun. I don’t know that that’s going to help, Sam.

It’s morning in the Fangbanger Holding Cage, and Reverend Douche comes down to visit, just as cheerful and bright-eyed as can be. He even brings Sookie and Hugo some water! Sookie jumps up and immediately starts in with OMG MY VAMPIRE WILL KILL YOU, and Reverend Douche is like AHAH WHERE IS HE? BRING IT! Sookie warns them that they’re going to get themselves killed, and Reverend Douche tells her that the vampires just have her all messed up with their SEXINESS and their VIKINGNESS and their SEXY VIKINGNESS. Okay, no, he didn’t say that. He said hypnovamping and empty promises and evil blood. My version was better. Sookie is OUTRAGED and tells him JESUS IS ASHAMED OF YOU. Reverend Douche just goes AHAH at that, and he pulls up a chair to apologize how things got out of control. He claims that all he wants is some answers, and then he’ll give them some breakfast and send them on their way. RIIIIGHT.

But Hugo seems to think this is a great plan, and he jumps up and starts spilling the beans. He tells them that she is Sookie Stackhouse and he is…but Reverend Douche doesn’t hear a word after Stackhouse. He gets this horrible, awful Betrayal!Face because, yes, it’s true, he realizes that HE knows a Stackhouse. He knows a Stackhouse, and he LOVES Jason, and WHAT? HOW COULD THIS BE? Reverend Douche is like WTF JASON? And Sookie realizes UH OH, and Reverend Douche runs out to write in his journal and make a mix tape, and Sookie is like WTF!

Hugo is like GREAT JOB, and Sookie finally tells him to STFU, but she actually says it! GO SOOKIE! Then she gets a bright idea, and she starts trying to mind meld with Barry. I guess she thinks maybe Barry is listening somewhere, wherever he might be, and she gives him a rundown of where she is, that Godric is there, and things have gone to shit! OMG BARRY HELP!

We’re back in Room Bitch You Crazy, and Bill and Lorena have apparently not gone to sleep, and that is bad for vampires. Bill is acting like he’s totally stoned, and as they are bickering EVEN MORE, they both start to bleed from random places. It’s a pretty creepy effect actually. Bill wants to rest, but Lorena thinks that as soon as she falls asleep, Bill will run into the sun to save her and get dead. Bill is like OMFG WOMAN SRSLY? Bill sees his cellphone on the table, but Lorena jumps up and gets it first. He begs her to let him call Eric who will go and get Sookie. When Bill says Eric’s name, Lorena starts to go AHAHAHA. Bill says that Eric is the reason that Sookie is in trouble, and Lorena says AND WHY I’M HERE, NOOB. She crushes his phone and tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie and he should just let Eric have her. And Bill has Betrayal!Face, but his beats Reverend Douche’s because there is blood with his. Bloody Betrayal!Face Bill! (Alliteration FTW!)

Back at Cult Camp, Jason has realized it is time to GTFO, and he is carrying all his stuff across the campus when Reverend Douche pulls up in his car and is like HEY JASON WHATCHA DOIN’? Jason tells him he’s just going for a walk…with all of his stuff…and Reverend Douche has Cro-Mitch jump out and pull a knife on Jason and force him into the car. OH NOES!

We’re now at Mayberry R.F.D., and Andy is telling Bud what he saw the night before. Now, everyone knows Andy is a drunk, and he looks totally crazy as he’s telling this story about a bull mask, and giant claws, and everybody had big black-saucer eyes LIKE ZOMBIES. Andy is actually so great this episode. The way he says zombie cracks me up. Zaaawwmbees. It’s actually pretty great.

Back at Casa de Sexhouse, Tara and Eggs are watching some hilariously crap show, and while they are watching, somebody with some busted ass feet and legs comes sneaking in, and the feet are bloody, and whoever it is happens to be carrying a dead rabbit and is dripping blood all over the floor. A skirt drops and we see that it is Maryann, and she’s all like O HAI, and Tara and Eggs go WTF! She tells them she slept outside to commune with her animal nature and saw the rabbit and thought YUM. OMG I am so tired of this bitch. Tara tries to snark about her throwing a big party without permission, but Maryann is like SHUT IT, and Tara does. Tara is very freaked out by this, but Eggs thinks Maryann is fantastic.

We’re back at Camp Cutthroat, and that is exactly what Cro-Mitch is about to do. He is about to cut Jason’s pretty neck, and this scene is moderately funny because Jason thinks Reverend Douche is talking about him banging Douche Wife, but Reverend Douche is actually talking about Jason being in league with the vampires. In the end, Reverend Douche tells Cro-Mitch to take care of the problem, and Cro-Mitch walks Jason off into the woods. OH NOES!

On the shores of Lake Merlotte, Daphne is putting her feet in the water all LA LA LA, and Sam walks up out of nowhere and pulls his huge gun on her. Daphne goes YAWN and tries to act like nothing happened. Sam is not having any of that shit, and he realizes how she got her scars. He calls her a whore, which she is, but Daphne claims it’s not whoring if you do it for love. Sam goes AHAH RIGHT, and Daphne deals him a low blow and says AHAH NOT YOU, SILLY. Sam gets on the Betrayal Train, and his voice cracks, and it’s just so SAD! Poor Sam. Daphne starts to tell Sam the story of her and Maryann, but Sam, like me, doesn’t care.

Sam finally asks why Maryann is trying to get him, and Daphne says it’s because she can’t control Sam. The crazy black eyes don’t work on supernatural creatures, and so she wants Sam to submit, and OMG HE WON’T. Then Daphne says OMG I’M SWEATING LIKE A PIG. And we go, OMG DAPHNE GO DIAF. Sam gets all OUTRAGED and Daphne has a big swim, and says WTF IS SHE? And Daphne says OMG SHE’S GOD. And Sam goes O.O and we go NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE.

Back in the Cage of BIG FAT LIARS, Hugo has finally freaked out, and he’s rattling the cage screaming that he has to go potty. Sookie gets up to calm him down again, and she touches his arm, and FWOOOOM, she mind melds with him and finds out OMG HUGO IS THE TRAITOR. If you are shocked, I say..what, are you new?

Back at Lake Plot Exposition, Daphne is going on and on about Maryann, and I am going to be serious here for a moment. I’m not going to go into detail about this section because for the first time, probably ever, I have been offended by a television show. Daphne’s speech on what Maryann is was way over the line, and when they used the names of goddesses of actual religions, Gaia and Isis most specifically, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. To insinuate that a character on a television show, especially a rancid whorebeast like Maryann, is a goddess of my religion…NO. HI, NO. So, I will paraphrase by saying Daphne tells him that she’s a maenad, gives him a very incorrect history, and claims that Dionysus was also called “The Horned God” which AGAIN is WRONG, SO WRONG so Sam makes the logical jump to Satan. Do you see why I am offended here? UGH ANYWAY.

Daphne goes on and on with her plot exposition, and Sam briefly considers turning himself over to save the town, but Daphne says that won’t work because Maryann is having too much fun. Daphne suggests Sam turning himself in anyway because she might let him live, and then Sam gets all huffy and runs away. Poor Sam!

Back in the Basement of Traitors, Hugo tells Sookie why he turned on Isabel, and it’s because she wouldn’t turn him. REALLY HUGO? What is with the pathetic losers this week? Sookie is just as disgusted as we are, and Hugo tries to make Sookie mad by talking about Bill using her and such, and then Sookie says OMG IF YOU’RE SO GREAT WHY ARE YOU HERE? And that’s when Hugo realizes HEY, SHE’S RIGHT, and he jumps up and starts calling for Cro-Mitch to let him out. But Cro-Mitch does come, and Sookie says WHUT, BITCH. For an instant, we have our old Sookie back! YAY!

Outside at the Church of FAIL, the lock-in is starting, and lots of blond people are showing up in their pajamas! How cute! Douche Wife is wearing some monstrosity of an outfit, and Reverend Douche comes out and tells her in his serious voice that they need to talk, in private, about Jason. OH NOES! Meanwhile, Cro-Mitch is walking Jason through the woods, and Jason tells him OMG MISTAKE, and Cro-Mitch makes a fatal error. He gets all snarly and tells Jason that HE is the mistake, and that Sookie is a whore. Jason FREAKS OUT and beats up Cro-Mitch and says ZOMG NEVER TALK ABOUT MY SISTER! Cro-Mitch spits out some blood, and says, “Is that the best you can do…Sister-Fucker?“ AHAHAHAH. And then the beat down is on. Jason wins in the end, and he calls Cro-Mitch a dick-brain(?), kicks him in the man parts, and takes his knife and runs away. YAY!

In the Bathroom of Fabulous…LAFAYETTE IS BACK! He is putting on his make-up and dealing his V over the phone, just like Pam told him to. YAY! Eggs and Tara are making out the bar, and Arlene comes in, and something is up with her. She is very upset, and she steals Tara and runs off to the bathroom. Lafayette is in that bathroom, and Arlene says OMG LADIES ONLY to which Lafayette replies, “So what you skank hos doing in here?” Tara gives him the hairy eyeball, so she must know he’s dealing V again, but Lafayette just takes his fine self on out the door.

Anyway, Arlene starts freaking out and tells Tara that she might have done something REAAAAALLLL BAD. Apparently, she and Terry weren’t sleeping together, no matter what she tried, and the night before, the night of the Orgy from Hell, she got Terry all liquored up…and then she blacked out! Tara goes O.O because OMG SHE BLACKED OUT TOO, and the bad thing Arlene thinks she did is…she thinks she had her way with him…”a lil’ bit”…against his will. Arlene, the Date Rapist. Arlene is terribly cute for once on this show, and she is really upset, but all Tara cares about is that this blacking out thing isn’t just her and Eggs.

Meanwhile, Lafayette goes out to the bar where he sees Eggs, and he goes X____X at him and says it’s not fair because for the first time he’s not chasing trouble, but trouble keeps finding him. Eggs is like o.O, and Lafayette says that there is no good that could come out of something so pretty, and that is when Eggs realizes that this is Lafayette, as though that explains EVERYTHING. He calls him Tara’s Eggs, to which Tara shows back up and comments that it sounds weird, and it SO does. HEE HEE, then we get one of those great Lafayette moments where Tara asks why he is called Eggs. “Your name is Benedict. Why don’t people call you Ben?” And Lafayette jumps in and says, “Or Dict.” AHAHAH. Then Lafayette gives one of his cryptic warnings, like the one he made about the cornbread in season one, remember? He calls Eggs “Satan in a Sunday Hat,” and I say YES HI DUH.

Just then, Andy walks in, and OH MAN, the hilarity. He starts screaming for Terry, and everyone starts staring at him. He is a lunatic, and he calls Tara a “devil worshipper” and tells everyone that he saw what they were doing OMG! Sam is creeping up on the scene, and he ALSO saw what everyone was doing, but I’m not sure that Andy saw Terry. Anyway, Arlene tells him that Terry isn’t there, and Terry says, “Fuck you, Zombie Woman! Fuck all ya’ll devil zombies!” OMG. I about peed myself. Andy is officially my favorite part of this episode. Andy screams how he’ll put a stop to all of it and then leaves, and everybody goes AHAHAH OH, ANDY. Sam finally shows his face, and when Eggs is leaving and says bye to him, Sam sort of flinches because, yes, Eggs was the one holding him down to be sacrificed, remember? Everybody goes o.O at Sam, and Sam goes o.O at everybody.

Back to Hotel Pedo--NO, KIDDING. I swear. Anyway, the song BLEEDING LOVE is playing in the background as Hoyt sets up what he thinks is a romantic night, with rose petals and blood-scented(!) candles everywhere, and Jessica wakes up and looks horrified for a second, but then she tells him to take off his pants, and they collapse into giggles, and what I assume is virginal NOT SO SEXY SEX.

Now we’re back to the back woods of Cult Camp, and Jason has been running for hours, and headlights come up behind him. He’s sure it’s Reverend Douche, but I would recognize that hair anywhere. Douche Wife jumps out of the Gator of Righteous Indignation with her big Texas hair, and Jason tries to explain about Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch, but Douche Wife pulls a big gun on him and Jason goes O.O. Before he can do anything, Douche Wife shoots him, and he goes O.O and falls back in slo-mo. OH NOES! Except NOT OH NOES. That gun she had was the same paintball gun that Reverend Douche had in an earlier episode, and next week we will see that Jason is not dead, but he probably did get a paintball in the man parts.

Back to Lake Merlotte, and Daphne is standing on the edge of the dock looking out at the water. Maryann comes up like a creepy creeper from behind her, and Daphne is all HEE I LOVE YOU, and Maryann says THNX BITCH, kisses her, and then FWOOM, Daphne gets a knife in the heart from BLACK-EYED EGGS! OH NOES! I KNEW IT! When I saw the way he was holding Sam down on the rock like that, it was obvious. Eggs is the “killer” but it’s all Maryann’s doing, and so the bitch must die. Daphne just gurgles up some blood, and Maryann smiles at her. THE BITCH MUST DIE.

Over to the Basement of Cro-Mitch Got PWNED by Jason, Cro-Mitch finally shows up and opens the cage as Hugo is like OMG CRO-MITCH FINALLY, but Cro-Mitch does not let Hugo out. Instead, he proceeds to thoroughly kick Hugo’s ass. Sookie forgets that he’s a traitor, and she tries to stop Cro-Mitch by jumping on his back. Cro-Mitch then starts to kick her ass and yes, obviously, it has to go to the rape place. *SIGH* I will keep my personal thoughts on this personal. Anyway, Sookie screams and we go back to Bill, who goes O.O as his Sookie Sense starts going off again. Lorena is just BLAH BLAH BLAHing in the background, and Bill tries a clever distraction of throwing a table at her, but Lorena gets to him just as he gets to the door, and OH YEAH, she has a stake to his back. Lorena says OMG I WILL END YOU.

And we flashback to 1935 and the domestic that we left, and Lorena shows her true pathetic self and is all OMG I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? Bill is begging her to let him go, but Lorena says OMG YOU ARE MINE. Bill loses his rag and starts screaming about OMG I KILLED PEOPLE FOR YOU and I DO NOT, I CANNOT, I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. OMG, this is so the wrong thing to say, and Lorena is literally shaking with rage, and if her accent wasn’t so terrible, I might believe her, but instead, her squinchy face and terrible accent ruin the scene. She says that men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one NAHT with her, but then she crumbles into the pathetic beast she is. It’s really disgusting, and it’s sort of a comment on how women are portrayed on this show.

Anyway, Bill continues to PWN her verbally until she PWNS him through a coffee table, and he picks up a piece of the wood and holds it out as a stake toward her. She’s all OMG YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH, but that stake isn’t for her. Bill begs her to let him go, and she says OMG CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, and Bill says TOO BAD BITCH! He starts to push the stake through his own chest, but Lorena stops him, and with bloody tears, she says, “As your maker, I release you.” Bill gets an O-face from this, and now we know where he picked up his favorite line!

We flashback to present time, and Bill says OMG YOU RELEASED ME. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, but Bill will never believe that, so he starts to fight, and just as Lorena starts to stake him, there is a knock at the door! It’s BARRY! HI BARRY! Lorena covers Bill’s mouth and says that Bill is TIED UP AHAHA but can she take a message? Barry relays everything that Sookie mind messaged to him, but Bill and Lorena are not the only ones who hear. As soon as Barry says “FotS“ and “basement“ and “sheriff,” Eric, who is across the hall, goes WHUT and vampires out of the room OMG SO QUICK and IS GONE, YO. Don’t let people get it twisted. Eric did NOT perk up when he heard Sookie’s name. It was when he said “sheriff” that Eric cared. Eric is NOT going to save Sookie because he OMG LOVES HER. He’s going after Godric. Because he OMG LOVES HIM.

Anyway, Barry finishes the message, then mind melds back to Sookie, who probably has to take a message because she can’t get to the phone since she is about to be raped, that it is the LAST time that he is helping, but before he can say anymore, a hand reaches out into the hall way and OMG GRABS BARRY AND PULLS HIM INTO THE ROOM! Now, I have gone back and watched this several times to check it, and the room he gets pulled into is Bill’s. Barry is facing Bill’s door, then Eric comes out of the room behind him, Barry turns around to go WTF, and so his back is now to Bill’s door. That is the door that opens, and we can assume that the arm that pulls him in his Lorena’s. OH NOES! BARRY!

Meanwhile, Sookie is about to get raped by Cro-Mitch, and it is very uncomfortable to watch, and just as he’s about to get down to it, something pulls him off Sookie! YAY! Sookie rolls over and looks and…IT’S GODRIC! A much different, more frat boy looking Godric, but IT IS GODRIC. GUH! And he is holding Cro-Mitch by the scruff of his neck, and Sookie goes o.O “Godric?” and Godric goes PWN…without saying a word.

Credits. The most hilarious song EVER, by the way.

PHEW. Next week, I think I will be killed. The first four seconds of the preview KEELED ME already. Godric says “I AM HERE, MY CHILD.” And Eric goes X_____X and then sacrifices himself to the FotS to save Godric? WHAT? DEATH! DEATH TO ME I SAY!!

Just a few things since this has already run on WAY too long. I’m hating what they are doing to Eric. I HATE IT. Everything that made me love Eric in the books is GONE. I don’t even know what the hell they are doing, but we better get AWESOMENESS after this. AND A LOT OF IT. The crying was FAIL, and his attitude altogether lately is FAIL. They better MAKE UP FOR IT. LIKE, A LOT.

Secondly, Godric is far less impressive to me now. I liked the raver-twink monster guy. Now he looks like a frat boy with a bad haircut. It doesn’t matter. Not really anyway. BECAUSE GODRIC PWNS. SRSLY. GUH. And his interactions with Eric are going to make me EXPLODE.

Good episode this week, mostly. There were a few things, but the good definitely made up for the bad. LIK WO. Thanks for reading!!

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Hard-Hearted Hannah" aka Welcome to Crazy Town

2009-07-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

True Blood Season 2 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood…

Daphne turned into a doe, and it freaked Sam right the hell out! Jessica called Hoyt late and Maxine got very annoyed. Lafayette asked for his job back, and everybody wants to know what happened to him. Maryann announced she was moving in with Tara, but Tara said HELL NO! Sookie volunteers to infiltrate the FotS, Bill disagrees OF COURSE, but Eric is like YES SHE WILL BECAUSE I SAY SO. Tara pays the price for annoying Maryann, and that price is getting bitched out by everyone EVER. Douche Wife gifts Jason with the Holy Handjob, making the best face EVER. Eric reveals that he is so insane about finding Godric because Godric is his maker ~~and he totally loves him forever~~, and there were SEXY SEXY VIKINGS! Tara changes her mind and lets Maryann move in…TO SOOKIE’S HOUSE. Bill wants to do a runner, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric, and Bill is growly about it, but then they get busy OF COURSE while OH NOES! Lorena is walking up the hall! EEP!

We open up with everybody’s second favorite Photoshop monstrosity, Hotel Carmilla, and I must again give a yell to my Team Carmilla mateys from the LiveJournal comm Definitely_Dead. Inside the hotel, there is horrible elevator music playing, and we see some kind of lounge thing, and Lorena is walking through said lounge thing, accompanied by OOOH OOOOH OOOOOOOOH music, which always means bad, bad news is coming. The next thing we know, we’re staring at Eric sucking some girl’s blood, and honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks so ridiculous. It’s like he’s looking off at something else and not really paying attention, so he’s kind of crooked, and the girl is going “OHHH, OHHHHH” like she’s in a porn, and then she says “That’s it, baby…” Mistake.

Eric pulls away, his lips all red and sexy, and goes -_- and shoves her away, going “Baby? I’m over a thousand years old…” Meals in Heels goes O.O and asks if he’s having a good time, but it is obvious he is not. Eric mentions that there just isn’t much thrill left in feeding on the willing. I knew it! He has a case of immortal ennui, which, honestly, I have always found annoying in vampire media. O, TEH_MISERY of being over 1,000 years old and incredibly hot! Shut it, BABY. YOU LIVE FOREVER. I think you can get over it. Meals in Heels asks if she should try being unwilling, and Eric looks PAINED at her stupidity and tells her only if she is VERY, VERY good at it, which, I have a feeling she will not be. So, he bites her again, and she pretends to be unwilling, and….she is horrible. I mean, really REALLY horrible. The best part is that as she’s yelling “YOU SICK, BLOOD-SUCKING BASTARD,” Eric sort of pulls back and looks at her and goes [>.<] and shakes his head. HEE. After about a second of trying, he pulls away and looks behind him and holds up a finger in the ‘wait a second’ gesture. He then says, “Buffy, go” and the girl gathers up some money. BUFFY? BUFFY!?! AHAHAHAHA. WIN. Then Eric throws Meals in Heels a bone and tells her to tell her manager she was magnificent and that he will back up her story if he calls. AWW. Meals in Heals leaves, and we see that Eric’s new visitor is…LORENA! WTF! Credits.

After the credits, we’re back, and OH LOOK, Bill and Sookie are all post-coital, and for a moment, I’m afraid we’re going to have to watch them do it AGAIN, but then we are saved by a knock on the door. Bill gets in his bathrobe and goes to answer the door, and it’s Isabel and her boyfriend, Hugo. We get a LOL because Bill is all HEY BABY BABY WHO IS THIS? And Isabel goes -_- HE IS MINE, CHICO. AHAHA, she gives Bill a dose of his own medicine, and I love her a little. Anyway, Bill heats up some TruBlood in the fanciest microwave I’ve ever seen, and he and Sookie have a sit down with Isabel and Hugo. Isabel says she knows Bill is worried about Sookie, so she is offering to let Hugo go with Sookie to the FotS. Naturally, Bill is suspicious, and Sookie reads Hugo’s mind, and all she hears is OMG FOREVER AND EVER I LOVE YOU OMG FOREVER, and so she says that Hugo totally loves Isabel, so it’s all right. I don’t know about you, but there is something suspicious about this. He just seems really intent on thinking that. Hmm… Anyway, Isabel says that the FotS will be less suspicious if a man is there with Sookie, and Sookie agrees, so of course, Bill is all OMG FINE.

Back downstairs, in the lounge of IS ERIC WEARING LEATHER PANTS??, this is exactly what I was worried about in last week’s recap, but whatever. I suppose I will have to get over it. Anyway, Lorena sits down across from Eric, and Eric lounges like a big sexy Swedish thing and says he thought about booking her the room next to Bill and Sookie, but he decided it was a bit over the top. AHAHA, oh, Eric. Lorena asks WTF about her being there, and Eric says that they want the same thing. Lorena sort of arches a brow, and then we get yet another get moment from Eric. “Okay…Bill has something I want, and he’s in the way.” HEEEEE! HE JUST SAID HE WANTS SOOKIE! Ahem, anyway. Lorena is not impressed with this because OMG A HUMAN? Eric goes on about how Sookie is more than human, but whatever she is, Bill loves her. As though this is supposed to be some kind of motivation for Lorena. Lorena asks what makes Eric thinks she wants him back, and Eric leans forward with this arms all THERE and LOVELY, and says, “Because you didn’t come all this way just to see me.” MAYBE SHE DID. HAVE YOU SEEN YOU? PHWOAR.

Anyway, Lorena gets all bitchy because she hasn’t seen Bill in over 70 years so why should she have any pull over him. Eric gets all bitchy back at her and says that he hasn’t seen Godric in much longer than that, but he’s still loyal…FIERCERLY loyal, bitch. OMG THUR LUV IS SO TRU! Lorena tries to be all sexy and gets in Eric’s face all HEY BABY BABY WISH I WAS YOUR MAKER, but then mentions that Eric is not her type, and so we know that she is a big vampy lesbian because ERIC IS EVERYONE’S TYPE. From the misty look in Lorena’s eye, we can tell that a flashback is coming up, and boy, oh boy, it’s one of the most hilarious ones we’ve seen yet. Prepare yourself. Ready?

AHAHAHA, Bill is sitting at a piano in Chicago in 1926, and his hair is all slicked back as he starts SINGING. Maximum hilariosity. I’m not sure if that’s his real singing voice, but if it is, Bill just shot up in my books. I know that’s his actual piano playing. Anyway, he looks totally hot except for the fact that he is SUPER pale, and Lorena is there, too, of course, dressed like a flapper, and it is not a good look for her AT ALL. Lorena sets her eyes on a couple sitting on a couch, and the woman of the couple looks like a transvestite. Seriously. Lorena asks them if they’re enjoying the entertainment, but she says it in the WORST French accent I have ever HEARD. I took five freaking years of French and she is…I can’t even DEAL with this. Anyway, the nub and gist is that Lorena likes the necklace the transvestite is wearing, and she invites the couple to stay after the party for a big orgy with her and GUILLAUME. Enough of that.

So, back at SEXhole Bar and Grill, Sam and Daphne are still on the pool table, which is so totally ruined, and Sam FINALLY asks Daphne about her Back of Nasty. She tells him that she has no idea what happened. She remembers it happening, but she doesn’t know what made the gross scars. UH HUH. I BET YOU DON’T. Anyway, she asks if anybody else knows about him being a shifter, and Sam says that Sookie knows, and Daphne gets a little bit growly at that, then they have a big chat about having shifter pride. I’m kind of put off by Daphne’s whole carpe diem philosophy because she’s a big fake, but in the end, they dissolve into SEXY SEX again, and Sam thinks Daphne is the best girl in the world OMG!

Back at Casa del ~~Stackhouse~~Maryann, Tara is trying to find a water pump because apparently, the one weekend that Sookie is out of town, the thing breaks. Eggs is trying to fix it, but he is apparently crap at home improvement, and Maryann is getting a foot massage from Weird Butler. When Weird Butler asks her how her coffee is, Maryann turns into a fucking dragon lady and starts burning down villages and eating peasants. OMG MY COFFEE AND THAT SHOWER WERE COLD YOU MUST DIE! Tara tries to put her in her place by saying she’s sorry she doesn’t have a fancier place for her to squat in, but then Dragon Lady turns her attention to Tara and promptly rips her a new one. WTF, Maryann? Who the hell do you think you are? I mean, REALLY. She is just a complete and total bitch during this scene, and there is a moment where I literally wanted to put my foot through the screen. Eggs makes motions that he wants to go with Tara to get the pump, and Maryann FREAKS out because she wants him there to fix the water heater “in case he can jury-rig something” and I went OMG WHAT? Because you and I both know what people say INSTEAD of jury-rig, and it just set my teeth on edge. Maybe I’m being sensitive, but still. I hate you, Maryann. I really, really do.

Over at Cult Camp, Luke and Jason are hurrying up to the church because, apparently, they have been summoned by the Reverend Douche Newlin, and Jason is very nervous because, as we know, he received the holy hand job from Douche Wife just the night before. But no, all Reverend Douche wants is for him and Luke to do some carpentry and build a platform with a cross on it. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Douche Wife seems very nervous about all of this, and Jason wants to know why they have to build this platform thing. Are they being punished for something, he asks, and he can’t stop staring at Douche Wife’s finely manicured nails. Douche Wife is no fool, and she tells Jason to STFU and be grateful for the JOB he’s been given. AHAHA. Oh, Douche Wife, you are winning me over. She points out that Jesus was also a carpenter, so Jason should shut up and like it, and Reverend Douche is all AHAHAHAH.

He decides it’s time to let Jason and the Lukeanator in on the plan, and just as we all suspected, this platform is being built for a ceremony called “Meet the Sun.” The book readers in the audience go BOOHISSNOOO, but for those who haven’t, to “meet the sun” is when a vampire commits suicide by staying out in the sunlight at dawn. It looks like church is doing this against the vampire’s will, but that is not always so. Apparently, the FotS makes a big celebration about of this, and that is what is happening in a few days time. I guess we know where Godric is. Jason is visibly disturbed by this chain of events, but Jason knows, just like all of us Southerners know, you do not become a wrench in the cogs of the church. They will mow you the fuck down.

Back at Hotel SOOKIE WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, Hugo gives Sookie a fake engagement ring to wear, and they start going over the plan once they get to the FotS. Hugh mentions that it’s probably a good idea that he does all the talking, and we agree because we know that sometimes Sookie gets brain-mouth disease and a mess just comes flowing from behind her beautifully gapped teeth. Sookie agrees and says she’ll just stand there and look pretty, and Hugo goes O.O because apparently someone warned him about the Cape, and he tells he that’s not what he meant. Sookie shows him that her hideous dress is actually the Cape in disguise and tells him YES, IT WAS what he meant, but it’s okay. It’s okay? Sookie, are you feeling all right? Sookies says that plan is good because she’ll be able to concentrate on listening to their thoughts instead of making coversation. She tells Hugo that she’s had plenty of experience hearing the horrible things that people say about vampires, so she is the perfect person to pretend she is a vampire-hater.

Then, of course, the conversation drifts into the uncomfortable area of the relationships between humans and vampires. Sookie is actually cute and vulnerable for a minute when she asks if Hugo and Isabel fight, and Hugo tells her yes, but it’s okay because all the other whores he’s dated…well, he didn’t care enough to fight with them. Um, whut? AHAH. Sookie agrees with me, but then her world is destroyed because Hugo brings up how wigged out Isabel gets when he mentions her turning him. Sookie says that this thought NEVER ENTERED HER MIND NOT ONCE, and I have a hard time believing that. Hugo does too, and he reminds her that Bill will still be smoking hot when she is a wrinkly old woman, and how could he ever love her if she’s like that? Sookie is properly traumatized, and then they set off for the FotS! YAY!

So, now we’re on the highway of Let’s Make Fun of Maryann, and Tara and Eggs are driving in Maryann’s car, and then suddenly, Eggs gets all weird and starts telling Tara about geographical markers on the road. He claims he has never been there, but he knows exactly what is coming up on the road, and he makes Tara pull over, and he jumps out of the car. Tara is freaking out, and, personally, I have no idea WTF is going on, so I am with her. Eggs just starts wandering into the woods, leaving Maryann’s very expensive car behind. Hmm.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is trying to be all cute with Terry, and she tells him that she has a surprise for him, but Terry reminds her he doesn’t like surprises. I mean, really? This comes as a shock, Arlene? Terry is just so cute I can’t stand it. Daphne is over at Maxine Fortenberry’s table, and she reminds us that she is the worst waitress ever. Maxine jokes about how all the good waitresses keep getting killed, so maybe it’s a good thing that Daphne is crap. Ex-Detective Andy walks in and tells Sam he wants to talk to Lafayette. YAY LAFAYETTE! Lafayette is buttering some rolls in the kitchen, and Andy points out what we’ve all been noticing. He says that Lafayette has lost some of his pizzazz. So true, Andy. So true. Lafayette, who is wearing fabulous blue eye shadow btw, just sort of brushes it off. Then the magic of Lafayette returns for just a minute, coupled with the weird magic of the Epileptic on Meth. It is as follows.

Andy: So, for the record, where were you all that time?
Lafayette: I was on a cruise.
Andy: A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise.
Lafayette: A gay one.
Andy: …
Lafayette: Andy, why don’t you go head an tell me what you accusing me of.
Andy: You weren’t on any damn gay cruise. ‘Cause if you were, you would have come back with MORE pizzazz, not less.

AHAHAHAHA. I love it. Terry has walked in during the middle of all of this, and he’s sort of watching the scene all o.O, and Lafayette has just about enough of this, until Andy threatens to take him down to the station and lock him up. “Lock you up” is obviously the trigger to Lafayette’s complete and total freak out, which is what he does, and he huddles down into a corner. Terry is watching this, and he knows exactly what is up. Then…and I can’t believe that I am able to type this words…the greatest moment of this show SO FAR occurs. Again, prepare yourself.

Lafayette is all shuddering and freaking out, and when he looks back at Andy…IT IS NOT ANDY. IT IS ERIC. IT IS ERIC WEARING ANDY’S CLOTHES, AND ANDY’S VOICE IS COMING OUT OF ERIC’S BODY. It is BEYOND hilarious. Mostly because Askars is making Andy-like expressions, and just from the shape his mouth takes, you can tell he’s making it look like he speaks with a Southern accent. This moment is just BEYOND fantastic. Thank you, Alan Ball. Thank you. Anyway, Terry tells Andy to GTFO and reminds us that Andy isn‘t even a cop anymore, and then he cuddles with Lafayette and tells him it will be okay, as a new wave of fan girls is born across the internet. The Terry/Lafayette ship is born.

Back out on the floor, Hoyt comes STORMING in, and he throws his phone down on the table in front of his mom. Apparently, she has shut off his phone, and Hoyt is all worried that Jessica will think he’s “one of those guys who never texts back.” AHAHA. Maxine says that is fine because Jessica is OBVIOUSLY a WHORE and a GOLD DIGGER and YES, A WHORE REMEMBER because only gold digger whores call late at night. Hoyt has obviously had enough of this, and he tells his mom to turn his phone back on, and OH YEAH, Jessica is not a whore gold digger, she is a vampire SO THERE. Maxine is all scandalized because I guess she would rather Hoyt be dating a whore gold digger than a vampire. AHAH. Greatness.

Back in the back by the soda machine, Sam is all OMG DAPHNE because he lurves her, and he tells her they should skive off work and go shift and play in the woods because he keeps looking at his pool table and thinking about SEXY SEX. OMG, they are getting so annoying. Daphne agrees, and then Sam follows, so I guess Shithole Bar and Grill has no manager for the day. Sam, you are about to hit the ground so hard your teeth are going to rattle. I can’t wait.

Over in the Cult Camp Shop Class, Jason and Luke are thinking up vampire killing nursery rhymes and discussing the ins and outs of sin as they build the big platform of death. Luke tells Jason that he was just joking about Douche Wife wanting his man parts, and he thinks that Douche Wife is totally so holy it’s not even funny. HOW WRONG HE IS. Then we get another great moment, and we find out that Luke thinks adultery is right up there with incest or bestiality. Jason’s face is so priceless during all of this, and Luke goes on and on, and he lets us know that adultery, incest, and bestiality put TOGETHER aren’t as bad as sleep with a vampire…or a dude…or a vampire dude. There you have it, folks. The worst sin on the planet is GAY VAMPIRE SEX.

At the same time as this is going on, in the background, we see a car pull up, and then we realize it’s Sookie and Hugo (which begs the point, didn’t Sookie see Jason? Or doesn’t she remember that he’s there? Anyway.) They pull into the parking lot, traffic being directed by Douche Wife herself, and Sookie comments that she recognizes her but, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding. O.o Anyway, Douche Wife and Sookie have a nice-off, and Sookie totally forgets the whole “Hugo does the talking” part of the plan, and she talks WAY more than she normally does. Douche Wife CLAIMS she happened to be looking out the window just as they were driving up, but I don’t believe that for one second. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. Anyway, Sookie delivers the story that they’re looking for a church to get married in, and they are thinking of the FotS for their ceremony.

In Reverend Douche’s office, Sookie and Hugo go on with their story, and right behind Reverend Douche is a HUGE picture of Jesus, which is just funny to me for some reason. Sookie finally gets down to business and starts reading Reverend Douche’s mind, and right out of the gate, she gets that he’s thinking about the platform of death and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement to give him the justice that 2,000 years of living couldn’t. So yes, it is Godric, and Sookie just smiles and pretends like she’s a bigot, and she’s actually very convincing.

She gives us a nice segue into vampires being blood-thirsty and vicious, and we see Lorena laying down somewhere, totally fingering some necklace that looks VERY similar to the one that the transvestite was wearing in the earlier flashback. And we get ANOTHER flashback, and the orgy obviously isn’t going to so well because Bill has the guy and Lorena has the transvestite, and it is obvious that this Bill is not the Bill we know and love(?) today. He is mean and vicious and HORRIBLE, and I FREAKING LOVE IT. It’s so insane of a scene because Bill is just BAD, and they horribly murder the couple, (complete with very realistic neck wound) and we see that Bill was a bad ass at one point, but sadly, he no longer is. We also see that the necklace that Lorena was fingering is the one that Bill ripped off the disgustingly mutilated transvestite. He rips it off and gives it to Lorena, and then they proceed to have very hideous and slightly violent sex, completely covered with blood and sinew. It is disgusting, and yet…I want to have Bill’s evil vampire babies. WTF. What a mind trip. I can’t even deal with Bill being evil. It’s too much awesome for me. Thankfully, Lorena remains disgusting, and it is obvious that she was a big liar because she totally still loves Bill.

Back in the Woods of Egg’s Is A Freak, he and Tara have been walking forever, and they come upon some weird campsite. Tara is totally freaked out, and so is Eggs. He says he’s been there before, but he can’t remember it, and there are weird markings on rocks, and clothes with blood on them, and the whole thing is just bat shit crazy. They find a scary rock with blood all over it, and Eggs starts crying and freaking out. Mostly, I just have no idea WTF is going on, and wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STORYLINE. *SIGH*

So, we head back to Cult Camp, and we’re about to be shown the Church of Eternal Creepiness. Reverend Douche warns Sookie and Hugo to be careful because sometimes when they open the doors, so much AWESOME SNUGGLY GREATNESS comes FLYING OUT that it knocks you down. You know, as much of a douche he is, I really think that the guy playing Reverend Douche is really good at it. There is something totally hilarious yet completely terrifying about him. Anyway, they throw open the doors, and we see that the church has huge windows so that tons of sunlight comes in, and suddenly, Sookie starts to lose her shit. I guess she has finally realized that this place is not a SUPER FUN AWESOME place, and Reverend Douche is all OMG HAVE YOU BEEN TO A LOCK-IN? And I go YAY THEY’RE BACK TO THE BOOKS! While Reverend Douche is telling Sookie about the lock-in, she reads his mind and finds out OH NOES! He knows that she is not there to find a place to get married! He knows all about her and her mind reading powers, and this is BAD BAD BAD for Sookie.

She also hears Douche Wife who is thinking that she doesn’t want to bring Sookie into the mess, but Reverend Douche calls Sookie a ‘fang loving freakazoid’ in his head, and Sookie just sort of gulps and has the O, SHIT look on her face. O, SHIT indeed, Sook. This is when things get even WORSE when Cro-Mitch walks up, and the music starts picking up, and it’s all crazy violins, and OH NOES!

Then suddenly, we’re driving down Drunk Ex-Cop Road, and Andy is drinking and driving when suddenly, a collie and a HUGE FUCKING PIG cross the road. OMFG DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Daphne is the pig! DAPHNE IS THE FUCKING PIG, and she is with Maryann, and I KNEW IT. Okay, so I thought Eggs was the pig, but whatever. I knew that Daphne was bad, and now we know that she is! ANYWAY, Andy tears off after them screaming, “PIG! HEY, PIG! WAIT UP, PIG!” And then he trips and falls in the grass, and Daphne and Sam run off and shift back all AHAHA THAT WAS AWESOME. Sam asks Daphne why she turned into a pig because a doe is so much cuter, and he mentions that it was like Andy recognized her. Daphne tries to brush it off, but Sam keeps on all WTF that was weird, and then Daphne plays dirty and says OMG SHUT IT and slides down to her knees to give Sam an oral exam. And all I can think is, DUDE, HE WAS JUST A DOG. YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON DOG JUNK. And then I think OMG YOU WERE JUST A PIG. SAM, THERE IS A PIG MOUTH ON YOUR DOG JUNK. And then my brain exploded.

So, now we’re in the freezer at Shithole Bar an Grill, and Lafayette and putting some stuff away, when suddenly the door opens, and it’s PAM! YAY PAM! Though her hair is ridiculous. She has her sunglasses pushed up, and it’s just not very cute. Anyway, Lafayette has a freaking heart attack, and Pam is all AWWW HOW CUTE. Lafayette asks why they didn’t glamour him because he totally has PTSD, and Pam just laughs because OH, CUTE HUMAN. She tells him that Eric sent her, and she holds up a bottle of V and tells him that he is back in business. Lafayette says OMG NO, but Pam says OMG YES. Lafayette doesn’t understand because they tortured him for selling V, and now they want him to sell V? Hmm…Eric has some kind of plan, and it is probably a scary and insane plan, which means good times for us!

Back at Cult Camp Church of Creepiness, it gets even MORE creepy because Reverend Douche tells Sookie and Hugo they are going to see his father’s tomb! YAY!. Um, WHUUUUT? Douche Wife doesn’t seem so keen on this plan, and Reverend Douche INSISTS, and the crazy music starts, and Sookie starts panicking. They make up some excuse that they are claustrophobic, and Reverend Douche is all OMG GO DOWN THERE, pointing down some creepy stairs to what looks like a stereotypical sex slave basement, and Douche Wife is all OMG NO, and Sookie is all AHAHA WE HAVE TO GO, and the tension just builds and builds an BUILDS until FINALLY, Reverend Douche and Cro-Mitch grab Sookie and Hugo and start forcing them down the stairs! AHHHH! Douche Wife is screaming, and Sookie is screaming, and way back at Hotel Carmilla, Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and just as he is about to jump up and go and save her, LORENA jumps on him! OH NOES!

Sookie is fighting for her life, hanging onto the railing, and Reverend Douche calls Sookie the C-Word, and even Douche Wife goes OMG STEVE! Lorena is trying to sex it up with Bill, and Bill is trying to get up, but it’s just no use. Apparently, since Lorena is his maker, she has some crazy super strength over him, and he is just powerless to get up. It’s actually a really horrible thing to see. She starts kissing him just as Sookie is dragged down in the Cult Camp Sex Basement, and Douche Wife is all freaking out and says OMG SORRY and slams the door. PHEW. That scene just completely took it out of me, so I was not prepared for the madness that was about to follow. Because I care, I tell you, yet again, PREPARE YOURSELF.

We go back to Casa de Dragon Lady, and Eggs and Tara walk into the house, and it is TRASHED, YO. I mean, seriously. Tara and Eggs are all WTF and they walk through the house and randomly pick up a joint as they look for any signs of life. There are clothes scattered everywhere, and they go out back, and we hear some creepy drum music. Tara and Eggs walk through the mountains of clothes, and when they come up into the clearing behind the house, we see…there are almost no words for the hideous sight before us.

It is yet another orgy, and this time, it is a real orgy. Instead of just sexy dancing and hilarious foot antics and dirt eating, it is SEXY SEXY AND MORE SEX. I mean, this is by far the most sex they’ve had on the show at one time, and it’s probably more sex than the whole of all the episodes so far. EVERYBODY is there. We have to see Creepy Mike Spencer getting it on with Jane Bodehouse, and Terry and Arlene are there, and everybody has the black eyes, and instead of making sexy noises, they’re all grunting like animals all UGHHH UGGGHHHH, and it’s just GROSS. In the middle of it are Weird Butler, who is wearing a hilarious robe, and Maryann who is doing her hippy hippy shake, and there is a bull head mask on the ground beside her. PHEW. At least this means that she doesn’t turn into the Bull Man Thing, she just LOOKS like she does. She gets the crazy claws, but the head is fake. I am relieved. Tara and Eggs just go WTF, and Maryann looks at them all YEAH? WHAT? And then continues on her merry way.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Back at Hotel Jailbait, the window shades are rolling up, and Jessica jumps up out of bed in her underwear and immediately checks her phone. No calls or messages from Hoyt, and she acts like an annoying teenager and throws her phone. Then she acts like an annoying teenager some more and pours $45 bottles of TruBlood down the sink while casting a petulant look at Bill‘s door. *SIGH* WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIKE HER? Then suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and when she goes to answer it, it is Hoyt. And he brought her flowers. And now everyone thinks they are so fantastically wonderful and cute. (Okay, Hoyt is cute, but them together…NEVER.) I am now, more than ever, convinced that she will be dead before the end of the season. That is just the way these things go.

It’s nighttime at Cult Camp, and Jason is walking into the Church Kidnap, and Douche Wife is up in the balcony crying, presumably because of the whole thing with Sookie and because she hates her husband. Jason goes up to comfort her, but Douche Wife spills the beans instead. She tells Jason that the Soldiers of the Sun are actually an army to start a war with vampires, and she just cries and cries because OMG MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE and…”he uses the c-word!” At that moment, I grew to love Douche Wife, just for a minute. Because in the next minute, she and Jason are getting it on IN THE CHURCH because GOD WANTS IT. IT’S GOD’S PLAN. And I hate her again. Though I have to say she is very cute without a shirt. Anyhoo…

Then we’re suddenly back in DON’T TRUST HER Woods, and Daphne is leading Sam somewhere, and I think we all know where that somewhere is. Sam hears the drum music and says, “In my experience, no good can come from drum music. You follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults.” AHAHAHAH, how right you are, Sam. Because in the next second, Daphne turns completely insane, and two random orgy-goers jump out of the woods and attack Sam, and they drag him over to the site of the orgy from hell, and now even Tara and Eggs are in on it, and the whole thing just makes me really, really uncomfortable. Sam is completely freaked out, as he should be, and the black-eyed crazies drag him over to Maryann, and Daphne has the craziest voice EVER as she joins Maryann and gets the bull head mask ready for her. She puts it on Maryann, who starts talking in that crazy language, and then Weird Butler brings out a big ceremonial knife, and Sam starts SCREAMING LIKE A LOON, and SO DO WE! AHHHHHHHH!

End credits.

I mean REALLY. WHAT THE HELL? Does anybody else feel completely insane after watching that mess? WHOA. At least I am seeing some semblance of the books coming back, and they are really making up for the snore fests we’ve been watching, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?

What did you think?

Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-22T13:26:00.001-04:00

aka Snape is the Mack Daddy of Harry Potter PWNAGE

Pincers. That's all I have to say.

Kidding.

So, I saw "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," and I'm of two minds about the whole thing.

WARNING WARNING WARNING! SPOILERIFICUS TOTALUS AHEAD!

AHAHA, how can you spoil a movie about a book that has been out for five years? I mean, really? You know you've read the book, so how can it be spoiled?

Anyway...

Let me say this first. I have always been able to separate the movies from the books. I am able to watch the movies and think, "Okay, this is the story that they are telling in the movies. Anything that does not happen in the movie DOES NOT HAPPEN." That is how I've always been able to like the movies.

That being said, I really really really like HBP. There were problems, yes, but no problems that I could not overlook. I enjoyed every minute of it, though it does make me really worry for DH 1 and 2. How are they going to fix everything they've left out of all the other movies that ends up being so important? How can they just expect us to forget everything up to this point? They can't, so they have a lot of scrambling to do to make all of us psychos happy by the time the credits on DH 2 roll. Otherwise, I will be a very angry little Slytherin.

HBP is my favorite of all the Potter books, so I had high expectations, but I wasn't expecting miracles. There is only so much you can do, and just like always, I knew things would be cut--important, wonderful things, but in the end, something has to go, and someone has the unfortunate job of deciding what stays and what goes. Without further ado...

THE GOOD:
--Bellatrix. This movie really should have been called "Harry Potter and the Look How Badass Bellatrix Is" She's just all over the place with her CRAZY CRAZY self, and she is fantastic, especially the Unbreakable Vow scene. GUH.

--Quidditch. AHHHH. I'm so glad that when they finally did bring Quidditch back that they did it right! It was all cool looking, and it was totally brutal, and HEEE GINNY ON A BROOM. Good stuff. I wish there was more Quidditch in the movies. You can never have enough Quidditch.

--Draco. FINALLY this kid gets a chance to show that he can act. It is unbelievable how sorry you feel for him. He does an amazing job, and by the end, when he pulls up his sleeve and shows his Dark Mark, I felt like I was punched in the gut. It was just strangely heart-wrenching that this kid, this poor, poor child had to go through all of this, and he went through it alone. It's just terrible.

--Michael Gambon as Dumbledore. A lot of people have hated this guy since he took over in PoA, but I never did. Of course, at first, I was sad because I wanted the original, but then I realize that he was just fine. I like Michael Gambon a lot and I think he was doing a great job. That was until I saw him making the fire swirl of doom to kill the Inferi and then I FREAKING LOVED HIM. GUH. It was so strangely poetic that he would suddenly show us the greatness of Dumbledore right before he died.

--Slughorn. Jim Broadbent is fantastic, and though I thought he should have been fatter to be Slughorn, and, of course, he didn't have the walrus mustache, he was awesome. I kept thinking of "Moulin Rouge" the whole time though. Unfortunate side-effect of being me. I can never forget other, memorable roles that actors have done, hence the reason I loathe and despise Paul Reiser because he freaking fed Ripley and Newt to the face-huggers. DAMN YOU, PAUL REISER.

THE BAD:
--The Siege of Hogwarts. Oh, you don't remember that part? THAT'S BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. UGH. We get the stupid burning down on the Burrow WHICH IS NOT IN THE BOOK, but yet we don't get the most awesome scene in the book (possibly one of the most awesome in the series)? WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THIS MAKE?

--Lavender Brown. Could there be a more annoying character? She ranks up there with Dobby and Moaning Myrtle. YES, we get it. WE GET THAT THEY ARE TEENAGERS IN LOVE. She was just absolutely EVERYWHERE and so insufferable. I'm not sure if that means it was good casting or what. Either way, GTFO, Lav.

--Snape. So far, every single time that Snape has freaked out in the book has been left out of the movies. This one was especially bad. He and Harry have a freaking duel on the Hogwarts grounds, and there's that lovely DON'T CALL ME COWARD bit, but did we see that? Nope. We saw him totally own Harry with one spell then casually say "I'm the Half-Blood Prince" and then he sauntered off. Why do they insist on keeping him so understated? There is NOTHING understated about Severus Snape, and they're really starting to piss me off with this shit.

--Avada Kedavra. Yeah, it's green, guys. Not blue. Though it might have just been the lighting in the scene because everything looked blue. If that's the case, it should have been SUPER green.

--Harry/Ginny. I do recall there was a bit more description of their relationship in the book. I would have liked to have seen that, honestly. It seemed cheap that most of it was taken out.

--Sirius. Remember how he died in the last movie? Remember how devastated Harry was? NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO. Ugh, I really felt like we should have seen more of Harry's sadness, but I guess there's enough emo going around that we didn't need left over from the movie before. Meh.

THE RANDOM:
--a lot of people are apparently miffed about the Room of Requirement and all that went on in there. On the one hand, it looked exactly as it was supposed to. On the other, if Harry didn't hide the potions book, then he never saw the diadem of Ravenclaw and so in DH, he won't remember having seen it. I'm guessing he'll just go, "Oh, it's probably in the RoR!" I'm okay with that, I guess.

--another complaint was that there was no funeral scene. I honestly don't care about that myself. They got the emotional pay off with the wands to the sky bit, which I liked, actually. I didn't need to sit there for twenty more minutes watching his funeral. It would have been all right had they included it, but I'm not going to yell and throw things just because they left it out.

--Hey, did you know Bill and Fleur are engaged and getting married in DH? Why leave this out? The Death Eaters attacking at the wedding after Kingsley's patronus shows up and tells them about Scrimgeour is AWESOME. Now, I doubt we will see that because there is no mention of them in this movie. I know from paparazzi photos that they have filmed the burial of Dobby at Shell Cottage which is where Bill and Fleur live, so I'm sure they're going to do some fancy work to make it all okay.

--I'm just generally worried about DH 1 & 2. They have a big mess to clean up from all the other movies. There is SO MUCH they have to cover, so it's a good thing we're getting two instead of just one, which honestly, is how GoF and OotP should have been. I have faith in them, but I can still be worried, and I am. Very, VERY worried.

All in all though, I totally loved it. HBP is my favorite of all the books, and though a lot of what made it my favorite was taken out, I still thought this movie was great in the context of all the other movies. You can't be mad at one movie for following the trend set by all the others. Look at them as two separate things, and you'll enjoy them much more.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Never Let Me Go" aka ARE YOU SERIOUS?

2009-07-20T13:18:00.001-04:00

True Blood Season 2: “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood…Bill throws Hoyt out for getting all handsy with Jessica and it’s for Hoyt’s protection srsly, guys. Tara tells Maryann she’s going to live with Sookie, and Maryann thinks that idea is hilarious! Sookie also tells Tara she’s going to Dallas because it was a deal to save Lafayette, and Tara didn’t know Lafayette was back, but now she does and she also knows everything that happened to him. Jason gets recruited into the FotS’ crazy vampire extermination squad, and Douche Wife starts putting the moves on him in her sexy little nightgown, and the boys tell Jason she’s a big nasty skank, but Jason doesn’t believe it, ya’ll! Some random guy tries to kidnap Sookie from the airport, but Bill saves the day and finds out that it was the FotS that did it. We also see a flashback to remind us of who made Bill, the horrendous Lorena. AHAHA, we see how Eric came and gave Lafayette the Healing Elixir to make him feel better, presumably because Eric is all “intrigued” by Sookie and wants to get on her good side. Maryann throws Tara a b-day party to remember, Sam and Maryann get all snippy in the kitchen, and Maryann shows us that she is the Bull Man Thing! Sookie meets Barry the Bellboy, who is telepathic like her, but he runs away when she tries to talk to him. Daphne reveals she knows Sam’s secret! Gasp and shock!

We pick back up at the party at Sookie’s Roadhouse, and Sam and Daphne are walking through the woods away from the party, and Sam goes “Uh, what did you say?” Daphne is walking and taking off her clothes, going -_- at Sam, and Sam just keeps on saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and I think he might have even had the nervous AHAHAHAH laugh. Anyway, Daphne goes on about how she could see the loneliness in Sam’s eyes, and how it doesn’t have to be that way, and Sam is STILL going “HUH? WHUT?” but by this time, Daphne is pulling down her dress, and her gross Back of Nasty only slightly diminishes the fact that she has butt cleavage showing that is very cute, and she disappears behind a tree. Sam goes to chase after her, saying “I ain’t in the mood tonight, little girl,” and part of me goes HEEEE, CUTE! And another part of me goes O.O CREEPY. Little girl? Ick and yay! I’m so confused. Sam goes and looks in the bushes where Daphne disappeared, and instead of her, he finds a doe, a deer, a female deer! Sam sort of stares at it and goes, “Well, hey!” as though he has been friends with this deer his entire life and doesn’t realize that it’s Daphne. But then the deer turns into Daphne, and Sam goes O.O in the most hilarious OMG face I’ve ever seen, and we go to credits, so I guess he really didn’t know that it was Daphne. What a dork.

As I said in my voice post, possibly the best before the credits bit yet.

After the credits, Sam is just O.O and completely freaked out, and he’s holding all of Daphne’s clothes and pointing, and he’s just so cute. Anyway, he asks how Daphne found out about him, and it turns out that when Sam and the collie were having their run and jumping into Lake Merlotte, Daphne was being a creepo and watching, and she saw a dog go into the water and Sam come up in it. Sam is all AHAHA, and then Daphne says, “Isn’t this great?” and Sam agrees, but I am a student of the Way of Too Good to Be True, so I can already sense this isn’t going to end well for Sam. A pretty girl who is also a shape-shifter all suddenly in love with him? Yeah, that happens every day. For the moment, I’ll let Sam be cute and enjoy himself. They start kissing, and at that exact moment, Terry and Arlene come stumbling in, and Daphne and Sam go O.O. Sam tries to hide Daphne’s total nakedness, and Daphne says, “Oh, crap. Hand me my drawers.” AHA. Sam tries to play it off, and I just so happened to pause my DVR at just the right time, so you can see that Terry has the biggest cheesiest smile ever, and Arlene just looks SCANDALIZED. Terry’s hair is all messed up and cute, but Arlene still hates Daphne, so Daphne takes that time to run away, and Arlene comments “It’s in the air, I guess.” Sam is all AHAH, and Terry looks like he’s about to freak out and start killing insurgents. He then picks Arlene up and says, “Come on, special lady” and carries her away. HEEE. I love him. I really do. Sam just sort of goes o.O and goes to look for Daphne.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Sookie is still chasing Barry the Bellboy (HI, BARRY!) down the hallway, and I swear to you, he looks like the Busch brothers from NASCAR, and it’s very distracting. Anyway, Barry wants nothing to do with Sookie, but Sookie sees a new BFF, so she is not letting this one get away so easily. As he’s trying to run away, a guy comes zombie-walking up the hallway, his neck all bitten and bloody, and we get our first chance to see what it’s like inside the head of a person who has been hypnovamped. Apparently, it’s “fog and disco music.” Neat. Anyway, after that little interruption, Barry tries to run away again, and Sookie asks him if they’re able to hypnovamp him. Barry says no, but he pretends, which really is kind of smart, except when they want you to do something you don’t want to do and then you show them that you’re not hypnovamped. That is the point, I’d say, they’d kill you. Anyway, Barry seems really freaked out by the whole situation, especially when Sookie mind-asks him if he can hear vampire thoughts, and Barry finally stops and turns around says OMG NO AND DON’T EVEN SAY THAT. Sookie kind of snickers because she didn’t say it, actually.

Barry finally turns around and lays into Sookie. He calls Bon Temps a “fried corn-on-the-cob town,” and tells her that her vampires are lame compared to his because this is Dallas, baby. Oh, Barry. You don’t know Sookie, so you don’t know the mistake you just made. Sookie whips her Cape out from under her fluffy bathrobe, and tells him to watch his tone of voice and NOT to call her “baby.” Barry fills Sookie in on the fact that the Dallas vampires are freaking bad asses, but frankly, if Godric is the only one that we know of that is older than Eric, who is more badass than him? No one I can think of. Anyway, Barry is under the impression that if the vampires knew what he could do, they’d suck him dry, but that doesn’t really make any sense either. I mean, Eric, Pam, Chow, and Bill know what Sookie can do, and she’s just fine. ANYWAY. Barry says he doesn’t want to be Sookie’s BFF and storms away. Sookie just sort of stands in the hallway and goes “UGH!”

Back in the room, Bill is admonishing Jessica for ordering room service, and she points out that, technically, he never said she couldn’t order room service. Bill equates Jessica eating the Meal with him letting her watch porn, which is when Sookie walks in, and Jessica says OMG PORN, SOOKIE, and Sookie goes, “I know. Yuck.” Whatever, Sook. You and Bill make porn together all the time. Bill sends Jessica to her room, and she makes one of those comments that are turning out to be her signature. “You are going to be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.” As soon as Jessica is gone, Bill starts asking Sookie OMG WHERE YOU BEEN, and Sookie LIES right to Bill’s face and tells him she was asking about candy machines and continental breakfasts. Bill does not like this at all, and he tells her she can’t be wandering off because things are Dallas are more complicated than they thought.

Sookie tries to get all cute and gets all up on Bill, telling him how those vampires can’t touch her because every part of her belongs to him. I’m so sure that’s going to stop them, Sook. Sookie tries to be all SEXY SEXY, but Bill totally puts a stop to that for the first time in history. Sookie seems a bit put out by this. Then I get my first LOL of the night. Bill says to Sookie. “Tell me you understand. Promise me you’ll do as I say NOT because I say it but for your own sake.” AHAHA. He makes SURE she knows it’s not because he’s telling her because Bill has enough going on without having to worry about the Cape coming out and smacking him about the neck and shoulders. Sookie comments that she knows there’s a lot of shit going on, and she totally doesn’t want to get beaten up or dead, so she won’t do anything stupid. (RIGHT.) Then Sookie gets that gleam in her eye, and tells Bill to just STFU for once and enjoy their little vacation. Bill is not the type of guy who enjoys anything, so Sookie plays dirty and takes off her robe to show of her little white nightgown, and that gives Bill DERR Face. She pushes him back on the couch and goes on about how the hotel is “LAHT-TAAHT” so they have something to celebrate because they get to spend the whole night together. Okay, so that is kind of cute, I have to admit. They dissolve into making out, and I’m sure SEXY SEX is to follow, but thankfully, we don’t have to see it.

So, in the other room, while her vampire dad is getting it on, Jessica uses her stolen cell phone to call Hoyt, who answers his phone, “You’re talkin’ to the maaan.” AHAHAHA. I should point out, he’s reading a comic book in his bedroom, which is in his mother’s house. Anyway, Jessica is all “You might not remember me…” but Hoyt totally remembers her, and they have a schmoop-off to see who can make us more sick. (I should bring up another point from my voice post. Everybody screams about Bill/Sookie schmoop, but then everything LOVES Hoyt and Jessica and THEIR SCHMOOP IS WORSE.) This is the point when Maxine walks in and starts yelling at Hoyt for having phone calls so late, so Hoyt pushes her out and locks the door, then settles down to do that thing that everybody does when they are fifteen on the phone--let’s watch TV on the phone together, or, I KNOW, I’ll read you my comic book. HOW ROMANTIC. *headdesk*

Over at Cult Camp, we see Jason sleeping peacefully in his bed of MARRIAGE KILLING, and then suddenly, some guy who looks like a more Cro-Magnon version of Mitch Pileggi (Skinner in the HIZZY, YO!) comes in and blows an air horn. Jason flies out of bed, and Cro-Mitch tells him to OMG GET UP AND GET YOUR SWEATS ON FOR JESUS. Outside, the Jesus Warriors are lining up for morning PT? I am not even sure what’s happening here. Is this God Army? I mean, honestly. At least there is an ample portion of Luke pwnage because Luke can eat it. Jason and Luke have a push-up contest, and Jason starts to do one-armed ones, which is pretty hilarious. Cro-Mitch says, “ I pray Jesus isn’t watching this crap today.” I wish I wasn’t watching it either. Oy.

Back at Sookie’s Roadhouse, which has turned into Tara’s House of Lurve, she is waking up with Eggs in her bed (the person, not the food, thankfully, though after that party, who knows) and she has some quiet reflection moments where she puts her ear against Eggs’ chest, presumably to listen to his heart beat. Weird, but okay. Then she turns over and grabs the Photoshop Monstrosity and looks it all lovingly. This is when Eggs wakes up, and they have some morning schmoop where Tara tells Eggs all about how great Gran was. I know I should be happy for Tara, but something about all of this just isn’t right. I’m telling you that Eggs is going to turn out to be some weird Maryann robot who is just there to give Tara what she wants. Hopefully, he will bite it in the end, but probably not.

Anyway, it’s also morning back at Second Worst Photoshop Ever Hotel, and Sookie is waking up beside Bill, and we see her upper girl parts in shadow because we just can’t go an episode without seeing AP’s fantastic nakedness. Bill is all snuggled up with a pillow because he’s used to sleeping in the dirt under his house. It’s sort of cute. Remember how Sookie said she wasn’t going to do anything stupid? Well, she doesn’t either because she totally sneaks out of the hotel room and goes down to bother Barry some more. I mean, it’s not like the vampires are going to be up to bother her or anything, but so far, most of Sookie’s troubles have come from non-vampire folk.

Downstairs, Barry is setting up the continental breakfast, and Sookie, who apparently has never stayed in a hotel ever, thinks the continental breakfast should be more continental. Grouchy Pants Barry grumbles, “Well, the danishes are Danish, and they’re free.” OMG FREE? Sookie is very excited about this, but let’s face it, I would be, too, because I love free stuff. No matter what it is. If it’s free, I want it. Sookie tries to get down to business, but Barry still wants nothing to do with her. Sookie just doesn’t get this point, and she’s sort of becoming an annoying stalker. We find out it’s because Barry is a saddo about his ability. He thinks it’s a curse, and he’s never really figured out how to block people out so he’s a little crazy. Barry forever has a place in my heart because of one moment in this scene. Sookie is babbling on about…well, who even knows what…but she says, “But lately, since I met my boyfriend…” and Barry rolls his eyes and goes -_-. HA HA, Barry, that is how we all feel these days.

Just then, some hideously awful fang banger’s thoughts come into Sookie and Barry’s heads, and she’s going on about getting her girl parts waxed, and Barry is all O.o and Sookie tries to help him learn to shut her out by jabbering on inside his head a million miles a minute. Barry looks like his head is going to explode, and, thankfully, the fang banger walks over to interrupt. Barry starts to walk off with her, but Sookie is not to be deterred, and she grabs Barry’s arm and tells him he can control it and that she can be his teacher. Poor Barry is just overwhelmed, so he tells Sookie to GTFO and then runs away. Sookie settles for taking a banana and goes back up to her room, defeated but not beaten.

Back upstairs, Sookie changes into a nightgown and tries to crawl back into bed with Bill before he wakes up, but of course, he does wake up, and we find out why we don’t see vampires in the day time. WHOA. Bill looks completely haggard and scary--I mean, more than usual--and he, of course, gets the mega-hump about Sookie wandering off into the hotel. She tells him about Barry, and then Bill gripes at her for telling Barry what he is, but Sookie just does not see why this is a problem. Barry is a grouch, and Sookie thinks he’s harmless, but Bill goes on and on about how everybody knowing about Sookie’s mind-melding makes it harder for him to keep her safe. Sookie has had about enough of this talk, and she gets on her soapbox about how she is SO great at mind-melding, and if she was just supposed to come to Dallas to be quiet and take orders that she might as well be back at Shithole Bar and Grill serving beer. What? How does that analogy even work? Sookie makes my head hurt when she tries to be intelligent. Sookie reminds Bill that he’s the one who told her she’s more than just a waitress. OH, so it’s BILL’S fault we have to deal with her this way! DAMN YOU, BILL.

Actually, if I remember correctly, and I’d like to think I do, when Bill said that, it was in a totally different context, but whatever. Bill knows this is a lost cause, so he gets all pouty and sits up, and Sookie is all OMG BILL TALK TO ME. Uh oh, she’s starting that thing that women do that makes men run away. But Bill is no ordinary man, and he starts on about how he’s supposed to keep Sookie and Jessica safe, but none of the decisions that are made are his. WELCOME TO LIFE, BILL. Sookie pipes up and is all AHAH LIKE A HUMAN? But Bill says NO, LIKE A WAITRESS. AHAH, owned, Sookie. Sookie makes a stupid reply of “You’re walking in my shoes, and it’s giving you blisters.” Like Sookie’s shoes as a telepathic waitress are just SO uncomfortable and you have to have SUCH SKILL to walk in them. OMG STFU, Sookie. I’m not saying it’s not hard to be a waitress. It totally is. But there are harder things, like, I don’t know BEING A VAMPIRE IN A HATEFUL AND BIGOTED WORLD WHERE YOU ARE HUNTED FOR YOUR BLOOD? Ugh. Sookie is really testing my patience anymore.

Then Bill brings up that Eric is “strangely intense” about everything that’s going on, and that makes Bill nervous. Sookie is all PFFT WHATEVS AT ERIC, but Bill reminds her that he is a crazy badass who doesn’t care about anybody. His exact words are something like, “What’s it to him to break a contract with a girl?” And Sookie goes -_- and flaps her Cape about and says “A WOMAN.” Bill actually laughs. Go, Bill! Sookie says that Eric needs her (HEE!) and that he won’t want to make her mad. AHAHAHA WHUT? I’m so sure Sookie is SOOO SCARY when she’s mad that Eric will be nice to her. I THINK NOT. Bill then tries to get all serious again, saying he can’t lose Sookie, and Sookie answers that he never will, and their love violins start playing, but it’s really hard to take them seriously because they are underneath a purple comforter. A VELVET, PURPLE COMFORTER.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Arlene is sitting down smoking and drinking a soda while Daphne is working, and they get into a little spat. Terry walks in, and Arlene is all HEY, BABY, BABY, and Terry just sort of goes o.O at her. Awww, Terry. They then give him a PTSD moment about making some ice tea, and…

This is the point where I went back and read what I had written, and now I totally get Sookie’s attempt at analogy because ALL waitresses do is shut up and take orders! So, actually, it is a good analogy, but WTFever, Sookie. You’re getting paid to work, not to have a brain, so STFU.

Anyway! Arlene chases after Terry to make him feel better, and Sam comes out, so he and Daphne get all googly eyed at each other. Sam asks her why she ran off, and she tells him she always needs a run after a shift, and that she thought she had blown his mind enough for one night, I mean, with all the shifting and nakedness. Sam is all NUH UH, and I am more and more sad by Daphne’s inevitable betrayal. I just feel it coming. Arlene is being all nosy about this, but as Daphne is walking away, Arlene goes O.O and YAY, it’s Lafayette! He is looking his fabulous self, and wants to talk to Sam. This should be interesting.

Except that it’s not. Lafayette doesn’t tell him a damn thing. He just wants to know if he can have his job back. Sam tries to have a big fight with him, but Lafayette really doesn’t say a word, and in the end, Sam gives him his job back, of course. Meanwhile, Lafayette looks totally pretty, and I love him, but there’s something about this scene that is off-putting. He was just sort of blah and sad, and that is not the Lafayette we saw last week who was humping a chair. I hope he gets himself worked out AND FAST.

Back at Vampire Killing Boot Camp, Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch are chasing the recruits around in a Gator, going on about being out of ammo and vampires chasing them. The whole thing is just insane. Just then, some loser guy falls down, and Jason tries to get him to get back up while Luke just leaves him behind. Jason warns him to pace himself, and Luke is all AHAH THIS IS MY PACE. Jason grumbles and catches back up, leaving the loser behind, and Douche Wife and Cro-Mitch zoom on past him, too.

In the kitchen of Guests That Won’t Leave, Maryann is cutting up fruit, and there is fruit EVERYWHERE. Where does she get it all? I mean, this is ridiculous. Do they eat anything else? Tara comes in and sees her and is all o.O about why she is still there, and Maryann drops the bomb that she, Eggs, and Weird Butler are going to stay there and live with her! YAY! Tara does not think this is YAY because doesn’t Maryann have that big beautiful house? Maryann reveals that no, it wasn’t her house, it was a client’s house and he came home from Peru or something. What? What? A client? What kind of client? So Maryann is homeless? What the hell is this? Tara feels the same way and tells Maryann that they can’t stay there. It is, after all, Sookie’s house. When Tara tells her this, Maryann gets all hurt and upset and storms out. Isn’t that how it always is? People claim to do things out of the goodness of their hearts, but when they want something in return and you can’t give it, they get all pissed off. In Maryann’s case, it’s probably not such a good idea to piss her off, though.

Tara goes into the living room where Eggs is playing the guitar, and Tara is all like WTF? Eggs is like oh, yeah, we’re homeless, but if you don’t want us to move in, whatevs. Tara is just flabbergasted, and now she wants to know just what the hell is going on. She’s mad about being lied to, and then she asks what the hell Eggs’ deal is with Maryann. “I’m not her dog” he says, and I say AH HA! A clue! Eggs tells Tara it’s really about her being so messed up from having a crazy alcoholic mom that she doesn’t know what family is. I beg to differ, sir. She has horrible Photoshop proof that she knows what family is! Then Eggs gets all huffy and huffs out. Poor Tara.

Back at Cult Camp, they’re making the recruits climb a fence, and when Luke can’t do it, Cro-Mitch is all OMG YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD ON THE OTHER SIDE, and Jason loves this shit so much that when Luke fails, Jason jumps up on the fence and gives Luke a hand up, telling him he can do it. Luke hates it, but he takes Jason’s hand, and Jason proceeds to push him off the fence. AHAHA, Jason 2, Luke 0. I should note that Douche Wife is all HEY BABY, BABY during all of this.

And now the part everyone has been waiting for! ERIC! We’re in some fancy house, and I can only assume that the two other vampires in the room are Stan and Isabel. Stan is just as hilarious as I always imagined, and the chick who plays Isabel was on The Dresden Files, and I hated her, so I hate her on principle. Sookie, meanwhile, is wearing yet another hilarious outfit, and it is a dress that looks like it’s made of a huge red bandana. Her hair is a tragedy, and I just have to laugh myself silly at the styling going on here. I mean, what? Eric is all pacing and bitchy, asking if they are sure Godric was kidnapped by the FotS, but the Isabel and Stan can’t agree. Stan wants to annihilate the FotS, but Isabel is all “OHH, vampire hating church annihilated…wonder who did it.” BWUAHA, good times. Bill goes on about how the King of Texas wouldn’t like it, but Stan doesn’t care, and Isabel mentions this isn’t the time for a power play. Hmm…

This is when Eric freaks right the fuck out and is all OMG YOU ARE INCOMPETENT. Stan and Isabel are all o.O THE FUCK? Isabel reminds Eric they only invited him to be nice and that he has no say in Texas. Stan is all AHAH YEAH take your puppets and go home. Eric is all UH, NO, and Sookie has to flap her Cape and point out that she is no one’s puppet (except, she totally is.) Bill tries to diffuse the situation by coming up with a plan. Stan says he has a plan because OMG THIS IS WAR, and Eric just goes IDIOTS and dramatically stalks from the room.

Back at the Mansion that Jesus built, we see Reverend Douche Newlin and Douche Wife having an argument while Cro-Mitch tries not to hear. Obviously, Douche Wife is not happy with the status of her home life, and she thinks Reverend Douche is getting all insane about Jesus Boot Camp and not paying enough attention to her. Aww, poor Douche Wife. Jason comes downstairs at that moment, and Douche Wife is all OMG JASON! They act like nothing is wrong, and they tell Jason that he’s risen to the next level. When Jason asks what that is, Reverend Douche grabs him up and leads him off to show him. Douche Wife is all “I’ll go too!” but Reverend Douche says WE GOT THIS. Douche Wife goes ;_;

On the way down to the super secret room, Reverend Douche is all OMG MARRIAGE YUCK. Jason is slightly scandalized by this, but Reverend Douche is all never mind about that. Look what we have! LOTS OF GUNS! Guns, flamethrowers, bows and arrows--it’s just a mess of weapons for vampire killing. This place just went from hilarious to totally frightening. Reverend Douche mentions they’ve got a guillotine on order, except he pronounces it “gill-o-teen” which makes me hate him a little bit more. Not to mention Jason, who picks up a rocket launcher and joins in on the fun. *SIGH* Unbelievable.

Outside Shithole Bar and Grill, Maryann and Weird Butler pull up, but Maryann tells him they aren’t going inside. She stares all intensely at the bar with laser beam eyes. Uh oh. Inside, everything starts to go to hell. Apparently, along with working everybody into a SEXY SEXY frenzy, Maryann can also make them fight. Everybody starts screaming and yelling at Tara, and the whole thing would be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t so sad and terrible for Tara. Arlene is probably the most hilarious one of all of them, which is saying a lot since I hate her. Anyway, finally Tara has had enough after we hear TARA! TARA! TARA! TARA! Like a million times, and she tells everybody OMG FUCK YOU and goes to the end of the bar to collect herself. Outside, Maryann looks like she just had an orgasm and says, “We’re done.” and they drive away. OOOH, BITCH.

Back in the tackiest bathroom ever, Jason is having a bath, when suddenly, Douche Wife sneaks in! Jason is all O.O, but we have seen this coming for a while now. After a moment of her smooth talking, where she talks about Mary Magdalene and Jesus and shows off her SEXY SEXY bath poof, Jason totally gives in, and he gets a Holy Handjob. Honestly, though, from the way Douche Wife was acting, I don’t know that this is a normal thing for her. She seemed nervous, and she looks like she genuinely likes Jason as more than just a friend, not just somebody to jump. Eh, either way, WHORE.

Back at Stan’s House of Terrible Plans, Stan is going on about his terrible plan of killing everyone in the FotS, and Isabel is screaming back at him about what an idiot he is, and in the middle of their little spat, Eric shows his incredible skill of PWNING random décor by violently destroying a vase, and FREAKING out. He’s all, “OMG GODRIC IS AWESOME AND YOU GUYS SUCK.” ASkars’ accent starts to slip out when he’s angry and yelling, and I LOVE IT. Bill tries to cut in to, again, diffuse the argument, mentioning that HELLO, YOU HAVE A TRAITOR. Sookie remembers she is in the room after staring at Eric all O.O for about a year and reminds them that she was totally almost kidnapped, ya’ll. Bill mentions that they were the only people who knew that Sookie was coming, and they start accusing each other until Sookie gets fed up and decapitates them all with her Cape.

She tells them that is going to infiltrate the FotS, and Bill goes OMG NO, and Eric is like SHUT IT, BILL. Sookie tells them it’s totally easy, and nobody knows who she is so they’ll never suspect. She’ll sneak it, listen to people’s thoughts, and then be gone. Because, yes, everything on this show goes as planned, especially things that Sookie plans. Stan is tired of this nonsense, so he puts on his cowboy hat and is OUT, YO. Isabel agrees that it’s probably the easiest way to get what they want, and Eric makes the proclamation that Sookie is going to do it, and that is that. Bill looks properly bitch slapped, and he asks Eric for a word. They slip off together, and Bill finally gets down to it. He is all WTF ERIC? Remember the Bull Man Thing? Everything is crazy! Eric just keeps that same face he always has, and Bill asks “All this for a colleague?” WTF IS UP WITH YOU AND GODRIC. Eric gets that slack-jawed face everybody gets when they’re about to have a flashback, and…

FLASHBACK! We see three SEXY SEXY Vikings, completely with furry boots and shields, and one of them is Eric, and they’ve obviously been in a pretty rough battle because Eric is messed up big time. The other two lay him down, and I swear it looks like he’s wearing and old-timey version of his black tank top. I almost laughed myself silly. Anyway, Eric is all OMG LEAVE ME, I AM FINISHED, and the Vikings just be Vikings and talk about Valhalla and beer and women, and they’re like AHAHA ERIC LOVES WOMEN. So, they pick him up and take him to camp, and he’s laying there totally dying, when suddenly, some crazy THING starts running around totally killing all of his men. I mean, it is blood fountains everywhere, and Eric is all o.O, and then we FINALLY get to see Godric.

And this is when I had to pause because I couldn’t stop laughing. Godric looks like he’s about twelve, and he’s all covered with tattoos, and he looks like a twink at a rave. I mean, SRSLY? This is the guy who made the awesomeness that is Eric? A RAVER TWINK? AHAHAHAHA, I love this show. Anyway, Godric is looking at Eric like he’s totally in love with him, and he goes on about how he watched him on the battlefield and how he’s OMG SO MAGNIFICENT. I mean, this guy is seriously crushing on Eric like there is no tomorrow. Eric takes a moment to bitch about his men getting killed, and even on his death bed, he’s totally awesome and says he would totally fight Godric for killing his men. That’s when Godric is like HEY BABY, BABY, and is all “Wanna be my companion?”

Again, tons of lulz for me because Godric makes this speech how he will be Eric’s father, brother, and child (AND LOVER AHAHA), and in classic(!) Eric fashion, Eric’s response is, “What’s in it for me?” AHAHA. Of course, he agrees because this means he gets to live, and Godric bites him, and Eric is all >.<, and then we flashback to present time, and Eric is all emo and answers Bill by telling him that Godric is his maker. That is so not what Bill was expecting, and Eric sort of looks down all ;_; because his daddy is missing.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, it’s closing time, and since only Sam and Daphne are left, we can assume it’s also SEXY SEX time. They start talking about what it’s like to shift, and apparently, it involves a lot of pressure on their neither regions. Wow, sounds like fun. O.o. Anyway, they start getting naked on the pool table, and then…I shit you not, this is what is said.

Sam: Well, are you going to say it, or should I?
Daphne: Say what?
Sam: Nice rack.
Daphne: Nice balls.

OMG SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? *stabstabstab*

Anyway, back at Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill are walking back in, and she stops him and says she has some human business to attend to. She goes over to the counter and asks if Barry is working, but the receptionist says that Barry quit. AHAHA, way to go, Sook.

Tara comes in after her disastrous day at work, and we have the second ARE YOU SERIOUS moment of the show. Maryann, the guest who will not leave, is sitting at the kitchen table DRESSED IN AN APRON LIKE GRAN. She is even reading a book, and I’m pretty sure that book was called HOMESICK. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! Tara is wigged out by this, too, and Maryann makes sure that Tara knows they went and looked at houses but they couldn’t find anything but they’d be out by morning. Oh, by the way, Tara, Maryann also put all your favorite things in the fridge and made you dinner. *headdesk* This is when Tara, of course, tells her that she doesn’t want her to go, and says that she will call Sookie and it will be all right OMG PLZ STAY. Oh, that Maryann is a sneaky bitch.

Then we’re back in the Room of I Hate Vampires But I Am One, Bill is going on about how stupid and petty Stan and Isabel are because they live together, and Sookie starts going on about how Bill isn’t like that because he has a heart even though it doesn’t beat. She says there wasn’t another vampire in that room that could say that they are able to love, but AHAHAHA, HOW WRONG SHE IS. Bill wants to sneak back home, but Sookie says no because she gave her word to Eric. Bill then starts on about how if anything happens to Sookie at the FotS, but she shuts him right up and tells him it’s no big deal. Then of course, she has to put the moves on him, and Bill says that it’s been a long night, and she doesn’t have to…you know…because he’d be satisfied to simply hold her. HEE, Bill is being cute, but Sookie has to ruin it because OMG SHE WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED. She wants him “every which way.” Sookie has turned into such a nympho, and, of course, their love violins start, and they get down to business.

But then…walking down another hall, we see…LORENA! NOOO, and she hears what’s going on in that room, and she gets this look in her eye that cannot mean good things for Sookie. OH NOES!

End.

Next week, YAY PAM!

THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT THE BOOKS, SO IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS FOR UPCOMING STUFF, DO NOT READ IT!

The little promo for next week shows what I think is Eric having summoned Lorena to show up in Dallas. I do not like this idea if that is indeed what we are seeing. It seems like he’s trying to push a wedge between Bill and Sookie, and those of us who have read the books know that this is not how it happened. What happens between Bill and Sookie is free of Eric, and that is what makes it so horrible. If he is using Lorena to get between Bill and Sookie…I’m not sure I can forgive the producers. That is just such a cheap way to go. We’ll see, I suppose, but I am worried.

3 Year Olds = Meth Addicts

2009-07-18T09:52:00.001-04:00

So, it is now day two of Potterpalooza, and yesterday, I learned what a slice of life with a three-year old is like.

It is like dealing with a tiny meth addict.

OMG. I've known this little boy since he was a zygote, and since I only get to see him at three or four month intervals, it's pretty interesting to see how he changes from the last time I saw him. Last time, he was this little talking, walking thing who called me Auntie Brooke.

Now, he is a tornado...a tornado of screaming, throwing things, and running around like a lunatic, but still calling me Auntie Brooke.

PHEW. Last night, we went to the grocery to get stuff for me to make Potter cookies--okay, they're just cookies, but for this weekend, they are POTTER cookies. In the grocery store, it was impossible for me to keep my eye on him. One minute, he's poking the bags of marshmallows, the next he's at the end of the aisle. It's exhausting.

The no bake cookies turned out to be a disaster. I'm not sure what happened. I've made them four quadrillion times, but this time, they just didn't come out right. They crumbled like no other. Maja claims I used too much oats, but I did what the recipe said, like I always do, and just...tragedy. *SIGH* I'm trying again today with the chocolate peanut butter chip ones, and THEY BETTER TURN OUT RIGHT.

We also went to the Gattitown last night. AHAHAHAHA, what possessed me to suggest taking a three-year old to a place like that? It was uber-crowded, but OMG THE PIZZA. Who knew you could put coconut on a pizza? I DID NOT, BUT NOW I DO. Then we played games for about four million hours, all the while surrounded by an entire room of little meth addicts, just running around and screaming and getting prizes for throwing things.
Whoever came up with that place...I'd really like to fong them right in the nards.

Anyway, today is the day we see the movie, and at this moment, it is 9:47 in the morning, and I am preparing to make cookies. Tonight is also #1 China Buffet. Isn't that the greatest name? Though, of course, you couldn't call it #2 China Buffet. That wouldn't be very appealing.

Work = FAIL

2009-07-16T20:35:00.000-04:00

Me: 911, where is your emergency?
Woman: [blah blah blah street]
Me: Okay, what's going on?
Woman: My house got broken into. The front door is broken a little.
Me: All right, have you noticed anything missing yet?
Woman: Well...yes.
Me: ...okay, what's missing?
Woman: This is going to sound so crazy, but I'm OCD. I'm a hoarder, and somebody came into my house and stole all of my food.
Me: ...
Woman: I mean, it's all gone. Who would do this to somebody?
Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* Okay, is there anything else missing?
Woman: Well, I took my trash out yesterday and there was only a little in the can this morning when I left, and now that is gone, too.
Me: (O.O) Someone took your trash?
Woman: Well, took it out. There's an empty bag in it now, but the trash is gone.
Me: I'm not sure that I've ever heard anything like this.
Woman: I know! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't be laughing!
Woman: Why not? It's really funny. AHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Okay, so it's just the food and the trash then?
Woman: AHAHAHA, yes. They took everything. Even my mustard packets from the drawer where I save them.
Me: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Woman: You must think I'm so crazy!
Me: No, no, not at all.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Shake and Fingerpop" aka WHUUUT?

2009-07-13T13:49:00.002-04:00

True Blood Season 2: Shake and Fingerpop

Previously on True Blood…WE HAD TO WAIT TWO WEEKS. Ahem, anyway, last time on True Blood a gross Bull Man Thing attacked Sookie and gave her the Back of Nasty, Bill came to the rescue, we were reminded AGAIN that the sheriff of area 9 has been kidnapped and his name is Godric, Sookie found Lafayette in the basement of Fangtasia, and no, he wasn’t a vampire. Sookie screams at Eric for keeping Lafayette prisoner, and Eric just sort of yawns at her. Douche Wife tells Jason that he’s “special,” and she even whips out her pudding for him! Maryann has a big skanky orgy party at her house, and Tara finally realizes that something strange is afoot at the Circle K. Sookie asks Tara to move in, and Maryann doesn’t like this one bit. Sam’s going to leave town, and he’s put Terry(!) in charge, but he’s sidetracked by Daphne who has her own Back of Nasty. Reverend Douche Newlin brainwashes Jason even more. Hoyt and Jessica make a lurve connection, but Bill walks in while they’re making out and starts throwing people around the room! Sookie makes a deal with Eric to go to Dallas and help him find Godric, you know, THE SHERIFF OF AREA 9 WHO IS MISSING? Did you forget about him? The deal is that he’ll let Lafayette go, and he does, but Lafayette is all traumatized. Poor Lafayette.

So, we pick back up at Cult Camp, and it’s all dark and scary, and Jason is walking the deserted grounds all o.O He goes into the dorm where he’s been staying, and *GASP* EVERYONE IS DEAD OMG! Except even in the brief moments we see, it’s so obvious that everyone is covered with ketchup to make it look like they’ve been eaten by vampires, so either this is some kind of weird training simulation or the guys in the dorm are playing a joke on Jason. All the sudden, a dark and shadowy figure jumps on Jason from behind, and he sounds just like Jason did when he was pretending to be a vampire attacking Dawn the Formerly Hot One. The best part is that the “vampire” says something like “I can smell that hot blood right under your skin, and, Cowboy, you smell AWESOME.” BWUAHAHA. It’s obviously the Lukeanator.

The lights come on, and everybody is all AHAHAHAHA, and I was right, it was Luke. Jason is like -_- and his lip is split open, but he’s taking the whole thing surprisingly well. He’s all “oh, AHAHA, very funny, vampires are scary.” Then Luke asks Jason how his lip is, and Jason asks Luke how his nose is. When Luke goes ‘Huh?,’ Jason totally punches him in the face. It is a moment of pure awesome. Jason then pulls off his clip-on tie and starts to have some weird soapbox moment, and he is TOTALLY channeling Reverend Douche Newlin. It’s a little disturbing.

Cue opening credits. For some reason, I feel like this episode is going to be HILARIOUS.

Once we’re back, we find ourselves at the Old Compton House right where we left Bill, Sookie, Jessica, and Hoyt. Bill is FREAKING out as Hoyt is buttoning up his pants, Jessica is all EEP, and Sookie is flailing around, trying to make sure that Bill doesn’t kill anybody. Instead, Bill gives us this line of awesome.

Sookie: Let’s everybody calm down!
Hoyt: That’s a good idea.
Bill: Are you going to leave, or am I going to throw you out…through a window…that is closed?
Sookie: BILL! That is just RUDE.
Bill: Sookie, I’ve got this.

BWUAHAHAHAHAHA. I knew it was going to be a hilarious episode, but I didn’t expect this much awesome in the first five minutes! Anyway, Hoyt decides it’s a good time to GTFO, and Bill tells him that it’s not Jessica he was protecting because baby vampire fangs are so much worse than Momma Boy Man Parts. Jessica is all MORTIFIED and her fangs look totally huge and fake, but Hoyt smiles and says he doesn’t believe Bill, and Jessica is all TEE HEE.

Bill gets all grouchy and reminds Jessica that there was to be no hunting in the house, and we are like OMG DUDE SHE WAS NOT GOING TO EAT HIM. Jessica tells Bill that she knows he feels like shit for making her, and he SHOULD, but she had never kissed a boy before so she would have been happy to just kiss him the whole night. Sookie, meanwhile, is not being very supportive, because you can tell she’s totally on Jessica’s side. Not a month ago, she was the same way until the Tornado of Sex and Fangs came into her life and sexed her up. Anyway, Bill looks very uncomfortable about this discussion, then Jessica brings up the way her fangs come out when she’s turned on, and in the middle of it, she realizes her fangs are out, and she covers them and giggles and runs away. For a SPLIT SECOND, she is not so terrible.

Sookie agrees because she comments that she thinks she’s going to like Jessica. Bill rains on her parade, as always, and tells her that they can’t be girlfriends because she is…and Sookie cuts in and says A VAMPIRE, YO. I GET IT. AHAHAHAHA. Finally. Sookie thinks they should take Jessica with them to Dallas for some bonding or something. Sookie makes the observation that she thinks Bill doesn’t really like vampires too much even though he is one, and Bill gives this petulant little OMG SO and gives us even more lulz by saying “I’m a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented.” What is up with Bill’s awesomeness so far in this ep? I’m loving it. Anyway, Sookie tells Bill he is not just a vampire, and that he can show Jessica how to also walk the line between vampire and human. Bill keeps the lulz coming by replying, “Yeah, because I have mastered that.” HEE!

And here is where I go off on a small tangent. This is the attitude that gets Sookie in trouble because the bottom line is, he is A VAMPIRE, YO. She gets all hurt and upset when vampirey things happen, but she is dating a vampire. It gives her this false sense of security, and that is why she’s all OMG ERIC IS GROSS. NO, Eric is not gross. ERIC IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Bill is some kind of race traitor, and Sookie likes that, but it protects her from the realities of the universe in which she is living, and that sets her up for disaster. It is one of the things I have always disliked about Sookie’s perception of Bill. But anyway…

The nub and gist of this conversation, that begins with the Sookie/Bill love theme of violins, is that it was different when Bill was made a vampire, so he’s having some doubts about his ability to raise Jessica right. Great. One more thing for Bill to be all emo about. He says he envies Jessica because of when she was made, but then he gives in and says Jessica can come along. Sookie gets all girly about how it’s their first trip together, and I really thought she was going to say “…as a family” and then I would have had to barf. Bill is all whatevs, and Sookie brings up that she was almost killed the night before AGAIN, and I guess Bill feels guilty about that, which he should not, and he sort of hugs her and kisses her forehead. Hee.

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and Daphne are having their naked midnight swim. They wax poetic about how great it is to swim in the dark and how there are no people around, and honestly, I yawned through this whole thing. I do not like Daphne, and I didn’t like her before we saw her Back of Nasty. Sam makes the comment that Bon Temps is like paradise, and Daphne, like us, go AHAH WHUT? Then Sam brings up how he’s actually totally going to leave this paradise town, and he shoots down the idea of moving to a shit because people lose touch with nature? What? Sam, I’m not following you here. Daphne is with me because she suddenly says she wants some pancakes from a truck stop, and Sam is reluctant, but Daphne tells him she has seen boy parts before. HA! She stole my word! Anyway, Daphne climbs out of the water, and Sam gets a look at her Back of Nasty and just sort of goes o.O. My first response would be WHOA, WOMAN, WTF? But no, Sam just goggles a little bit, and we move on.

Back at Maryann’s House of Never-ending Fruit, Tara is on the phone with Sookie, and it seems like the orgy last night was too much, and she’s decided to move in with Sookie. Ruh-roh. Maryann isn’t going to like this. Tara looks really beautiful for some reason, and she’s all cry face on the phone with Sookie just as Maryann walks in. There’s some Middle Eastern music playing, and Maryann is dressed like she belongs in Morocco, and I just don’t get this bitch. Is she Greek? Is she Persian? What the hell is she? And why the hell is she on my show? Anyway, Tara spills the beans that she is GingTFO, and Maryann plays it off like, “Oh, no! I will miss you so much!” But we know she is thinking “THAT SOOKIE BITCH WILL DIE.” Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs that she left, then she gives Maryann a hug and thanks her. I wouldn’t thank her so fast, Tara, because as Tara walks away, Maryann gets her laser beam eyes going. This isn’t going to end well.

In the Cult Camp mess hall, Jason is having a discussion with the Lukeanator and some other random guys about Bible Lazarus being a vampire, and maybe even Jesus being a vampire. Hmm, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. The whole time Jason is running his stupidly adorable mouth, you can see Luke and all the other guys hatehatehating him so much. Random Guy says that the first vampire was Cain, and that is why being a vampire is the Mark of Cain because they brought the first evil into the world. But Luke is quick to correct him, and I can already hear the misogyny brewing inside him. Luke reminds us that NO, Eve was the source of the first evil, and that is why it is called E-VIL. BWUAHA. At least the Lukeanator is good for laughs. Then Jason burns him by saying that Eve eating the apple wasn’t evil, it was just skirting the rules. “Evil is making the PRE-MEDICATED choice to be a dick.” AHAHAHA. Oh, Jason, you are KEELING me. After this proclamation, the loudspeaker goes off and Jason is being summoned outside to meet with Reverend Douche Newlin. As he’s leaving, the Lukeanator makes some thinly veiled threat about God making sure evil gets punished, and Jason answers, “Oh, yeah? Then explain Europe to me.” AHAHAH, whut?

Jason goes outside and gets WOO HOOed by some random Cult Camp sluts, and we see that Reverend Douche is sitting in a Gator with some kind of handgun paintball gun type thing. Jason is all O.O “Am I in trouble?” and Reverend Douche is all OMG WE’RE ALL IN TROUBLE FROM VAMPIRES. He starts up the Gator as Jason climbs in, and they ride away together. Does anyone else get the vibe that Reverend Douche wants to do unholy things with Jason?

Back at Sookie’s House of Cryface Girly Time, she’s telling Tara about their living arrangements, and she gives Tara her birthday present. Tara opens it, and it’s that HORRIFIC Photoshop monstrosity of the two of them with Gran. Then the tears and hugging start about how much they both miss Gran. Yes, girls, you have a great way of showing it. Tara finally asks why they picked Dallas for their first trip together, and Sookie tries to lie, but Tara is a lie detector and busts her out about the vampires wanting to use her mind meld ability. Tara asks her why she is with Bill if he makes her do things like this because the sex can’t be that good, but Sookie assures her it is and OMG I LUV HIM. Then Sookie makes the most ironically hilarious statement EVER. “You can’t just sit around, saving your heart for some perfect idea of a man who’s never going to come along.” Excuse me.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHUUUUUUUUT?

This from Sookie? REALLY? In that instant, I hate her. I hate her hypocrisy and her contradiction. I hate her naïveté, and I hate her acting as though she is the expert at everything. I just HATE her.

And then she whips out her Cape and tells Tara that Bill isn’t making her do anything, and I love her again. *sigh* Oh, Sook, you fickle mistress of my emotions. She tells Tara that she agreed to go to Dallas to save Lafayette, and it’s Tara’s turn to go, “Um, whut?” Apparently, Tara didn’t know that Lafayette was back, and Sookie just sort of goes, “AHAHA, oops?”

Over at Creepy Mike Spencer’s Office of Mutilation, we get a good look at Lady Voodoo aka Miss Jeanette’s corpse, and we see that she, too, has Back of Nasty! OOH, the plot thickens. Creepy Mike Spencer notes that there have been panther sightings, but Sheriff Bud says the cuts are too wide for a panther. Creepy Mike Spencer also tells us that there is nasty poison in the wounds, and that it probably paralyzed her while the heart was cut out. The heart-cutting was done by a knife, and so Bud declares that unless a panther learned how to use a hunting knife, they are looking for an animal-human collaboration. Bwuaha, Bud. Sometimes, he is great. Kenya is also there, and she doesn’t think it’s very funny. Detective Andy busts in at that moment, and he is looking very rough. He wants to ask Kenya about the pig that Tara said she saw, but Kenya tells him that she never saw any pig. Andy says that he saw the pig in a dollhouse, which is hilarious because it’s true. Andy is apparently drunk, and he bitches at Bud. Bud decides that since Andy is an alcoholic again he wants his badge. Andy is very sad and pathetic, but eventually he gives up the badge and shuffles out. I actually feel bad for Andy, but hi, it’s totally his fault.

Back at Lafayette’s House of Self-Medication, we see our boy is just in a bad way. He’s watching TV all sad and curled up on his couch with his hideous afghan, and, as is the norm at Lafayette’s house, somebody starts banging on the door. He looks terrified for a moment, but then I guess he realizes it’s day time, and he hears Tara start yelling, so he hauls himself up off the couch to go let her in. Tara is OUTRAGED that he didn’t call her first thing, and Sookie has apparently told Tara everything that happened to her cousin. Lafayette insists again that he doesn’t go to the hospital, and Tara is feeling very needy and sad, so she tells Lafayette she is going to stay and take care of him. Lafayette doesn’t like this plan, and he finally tells her that he doesn’t have it in him to take care of her. Tara looks a little hurt for a second, then she gets up and stalks out with a parting, “If you die, I’m going to be really pissed.” HEE. When these two are together, it is nothing but magic.

Over at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is carrying in some vegetables, and Terry is all o.O because Sam was supposed to be gone. Terry is all OMG are you going or not? Sookie comes up and asks if there are any lunch specials, and we can see that Terry is about to flip out. He gets all upset when Sookie mentions he forgot the corn chips last time he made jailhouse chili, and Terry finally declares that whatever he makes will be called Scrambled Terry Scramble. I love him. Terry tells Sookie he’s not sure if he can handle running the place when Sam leaves, and Sookie is confused, and at that moment, Sam walks out of the fridge, and Sookie gets all huffy because OMG U DIDN’T TELL ME. Sam blows her off, but Sookie is not one to be deterred by people running away from her. She chases him out back, and she makes it all about her, as usual. Sam tells her that he doesn’t have time to make her feel better because he has serious shit going on. Sookie gets all OUTRAGED because SHE has serious shit to deal, and oh yeah, can I be off for a few days? Sam is acting like a 12 year old girl and says FINE OMG I WON’T BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK. She then, again, makes it about her and huffs about throwing away years of friendship and blah, blah, blah. Sam is so done with Sookie’s nonsense, and I have to cheer for that.

Back at Cult Camp, it seems the Reverend Douche Newlin has taken Jason on some kind of vampire training simulation wherein he drives like a maniac through the woods, and Jason shoots these wooden vampires that pop up with his paintball gun. Men. I don’t get it. They finally come to a stop, and Reverend Douche congratulations Jason on being totally awesome. They are both wearing hats that say L.O.D.I. which makes me laugh for some reason. Reverend Douche tells Jason that if you shoot a vampire with wooden bullets, they explode…or so he hears. Jason corrects him and says that it’s more like a water balloon bursting. To find out that Jason has actually seen a vampire get staked makes Reverend Douche go *_____* and now he truly is in love with Jason.

Tara is laying on the couch at Sookie’s house, and she’s having a birthday cry, like most of us saddos do, and suddenly, OH NOES! There’s a creepy creeper creeping around the house! Instead of doing the smart thing which is to lock the doors and hide, Tara commits her horror movie cliché and goes to investigate the noise. It’s OMG very DRAMATIC as she’s looking around, and then…SURPRISE! It’s Maryann, Eggs, and Weird Butler, who is carrying a huge cake covered with flowers. Maryann claims that they had been planning a birthday party for days and that Tara messed it all up by moving out. Sure, Maryann. I believe that. Eggs is pretty sweet for a second, but then I suddenly get the feeling that Eggs is too good to be true. Could he possibly be some creation of Maryann’s that is supposed to be just what a person wants? Like he’s Tara’s dream guy because that is his weird power? Hmm. Anyway, Maryann says that she’s been calling all of Tara’s friends all day, but Tara remarks, “What friends?” and we are thinking the same thing. Tara’s one friend is leaving town, and oh, yeah, you’re having a huge party at that friend’s house without asking! I see broken knickknacks in the future.

Over at the Newlin’s House of Douchebaggery, Douche Wife is wearing an apron and doing some serious grilling while Reverend Douche and Jason have a beer, and the hilarity continues as Jason starts to have a hallucination, accompanied by a really hilarious song, and in it, Douche Wife is dancing all sexy-like, spanking herself with a grill spatula, and tonguing a beer bottle. Reverend Douche just keeps rattling on, and Jason is just enthralled by this hallucination. It’s a great moment, and for the first time, I see Douche Wife as the hottie she actually is. Too bad her douchery destroys that.

Douche Wife brings in a huge plate of ribs to Jason and Reverend Douche, and I feel some hilarious food-sex double entendre coming our way! And we don’t have to wait long because the first thing Reverend Douche says is, “You don’t really eat Sarah’s ribs. It’s more like you take a bath in them.” BWUAHAHA. Then Douche Wife sexily helps Jason put his little bib on, and Jason is lost forever. There is seriously enough food on that table to feed an army, and that is just what the Douches start talking about. Apparently, there is a special group inside the FotS called the Soldiers of the Sun, and they want Jason to join. This is just the type of thing that redneck himbos like Jason love, and after only about three seconds of convincing, Jason is totally onboard. *sigh*

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Daphne orders up another drink for Andy, who is in the corner drunk and looking over files. The bar is totally empty, and Daphne comments it, and Arlene gets all snippy with “Lucky for you.” Hee. Sam goes over to cut Andy off, and Andy tells his tale of woe. Arlene wants to close up early to go to Tara’s party, which Sam knows nothing about, and once Arlene tells Sam that it’s Maryann who is throwing the party, he gets the mega-hump. Andy perks up, and I am overcome with joy at the idea of him going to this party, for we may see The Dance again. Arlene asks if they can go just as Daphne comes back, and when she asks “Go where?”, Arlene says “Home.” HEEEE. I love that Arlene hates Daphne. But in the end, Sam lets them go, just as…yes, you guessed it…Lettie Mae walks in. We can’t have a hilarious episode without her showing up, though she is decidedly less hilarious since she stopped drinking. Lettie Mae has a little present for Tara, and she asks Sam to give it to her and then runs out. Sam is just (>.<) at the whole situation. Poor Sam.

So, apparently, a private jet has landed in Dallas, and Sookie gets off the plane in easily the most hilarious outfit we have ever seen her wear. I mean, this thing is RIDICULOUS. It looks like she stepped out of some 50’s sitcom. She is also carrying one of those little bottles of airplane booze, and as she steps off the plane, we realize that our girl is drunk. There is a guy standing with a sign that says COMPTON PARTY, and Sookie says “YOO HOO” and runs right over to him and says, “I’ve always loved these. (the bottle) They’re like boooooze for dolls. They gave me ten.” We see the travel coffins being unloaded, and they look like space pods. Um, how long is a flight from Bon Temps to Dallas? Why did they need travel coffins? It’s dark outside. Anyway, this limo guy is acting really shady, especially after he sees the coffins, and he’s urging Sookie to get into the limo. Finally, she reads his thoughts and OH NOES, he is there to kidnap her, which he tries to do. Bill’s Sookie Sense goes off, and he flies out of his coffin to Sookie’s rescue. Jessica, meanwhile, knocks her coffin off the loading pad and can’t get out it. Bill goes *SIGH* and so do we because OMG SIGH, could she be more annoying?

Back to Sookie’s Roadhouse, Sam is pulling up to the party, and it is already getting way out of hand, though nobody is naked yet, so that is a plus. Sam walks up carrying Lettie Mae’s present, and we see Arlene doing a hilarious white-girl dance all up on Terry. AHAH. Maryann meets Sam at the door, and I have no idea what is going on with her outfit. She has like some weird white gown on and flowers in her hair. I cannot possibly hate this bitch more than I do. Sam goes -_- at her and tells her the present is from Tara’s mom, and Maryann goes -_- at that and directs him to the gift table. There are seriously so many people in this house that you know it’s probably gross and sweaty and the walls are probably wet. *shudder* Maryann comes up and taunts Sam some more, but he is over her shit, and he tells her to go ahead and turn him into the Collie, but if she does, then everybody will know what she is. BURN. Maryann tries to burn Sam back, but her attempt is lame, and she saunters away. This is when Sam sees Daphne through the kitchen, and he goes to join her.

At the same time, Tara is doing some hilarious dancing of her own with Eggs, and she realizes that she knows nobody at the party, but YAY presents. Weird Butler is twirling through the crowd with food, and Maryann is watching all of this with an eeeevil look in her eye. This is when the most hilariously crap song starts playing, and at the point this was published, everybody was freaking out because nobody can find it online anywhere. It’s called “Dig Deep Down Below,” the best lyrics is “This whole blood-sucking world is a clusterfuck.” Hilarious. Maryann goes and gets the present from Lettie Mae, and she throws it in the bushes outside! WTH! She also passes Creepy Mike Spencer all up on a girl with the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen AND Andy, who is drinking out of a bottle and goes “AHHHHH” in the camera. Greatness. Maryann, meanwhile, disappears off into the woods. Hmm.

Back the Airport O’ Kidnaps, Bill has the limo guy, whose name is Leon, in the limo, and he’s hypnovamping him to get information. Sookie is watching in something that is a mix between enjoyment and horror, and Bill looks over at Jessica and asks her if she would like try. He instructs Jessica on the ways of the hypnovamp, and it’s serious vampire bonding. Jessica obviously likes this new power, like, A LOT. Bill goes and sits by Sookie, who tells him that he was very sweet with Jessica. Bill doesn’t have time for sweetness. He tells her that somebody knew that she was coming because Leon was sent to kidnap her. Bill says it couldn’t be vampires because it was too sloppy, and vampires are known for their very clean and smooth kidnappings. Bill says it’s probably the Fellowship of the Sun, and Sookie is all AHAHAH, OH, BILL. She says that’s crazy because they are A CHURCH OMG. And Bill, like the rest of us, goes LOL because churches do pretty insane and shitty things all the time. (I’M TALKING TO YOU, WESTBORO BAPTIST DOUCHES.)

Over in the Cult Camp Frat House, Luke is reading a magazine about Vampire Marriage, and yes, his nose is broken, and he laser beam eyes Jason as he comes in, asking him what the “dork face” is about. Jason announces that he is moving out to be come a Solider of the Sun, and Luke could not possibly hate Jason more. Jason casually asks if Luke is going to bunk at the Newlins’ house, and that’s when Luke starts laughing about how Douche Wife just needs a new plaything. Jason is all o.O about this, and one of the other guys actually says the words “she wants your hot beef injection, dude.” I. AM. IN. SHOCK. The guys starts teasing Jason about Douche Wife wanting to jump Jason, and apparently, this has happened before? Jason gets all OUTRAGED and storms out because OMFG SHE IS NOT LIKE THAT. Oh, Jason, I think she is.

We see that Sookie and Bill are staying in the Hotel Carmilla, and when they check in, they find that Eric booked them a room with no bed for lulz. AHAH, Eric. They get it worked out, and during this, Bill asks what he should call Jessica, and his voice is hilarious as he does so. Bill brings up progeny, which is gross, but I believe they decide on ward, as Sookie puts it, “like Bruce Wayne.” I’ve always preferred fledgling, but that’s just me. Over in the lobby, Jessica is still having fun with Leon, and she takes his cell phone, and then she makes him so afraid for his life it’s not even funny, and she makes him scream mean things about people she doesn’t like. Oh, yes, all you Jessica lovers. This makes me just ADORE her, and it does, in no way, make her annoying. *SIGH* I just don’t get it. Anyway, Bill freaks out and yells at Jessica, and life is good again.

Back at Casa de Partyhouse, things are getting pretty rowdy, and Maryann is out back doing her crazy chanting thing, and it’s like the weird party scene in The Matrix Reloaded, and Tara is all sexy dancing up on Eggs, and them, and everybody in the place start making out. Eventually, Eggs and Tara make their way upstairs and get down to some SEXY SEX.

Over at Lafayette’s House of Hilariously Crap Cartoons, Lafayette is laying on the couch when OMG ALL THE SUDDEN, Eric vampires up to his window and is all “Good evening, Lafayette.” Lafayette falls off the couch in terror because HI, this guy just totally tortured him for two weeks, but the rest of us are like OMG YAY ERIC FINALLY. Lafayette helpfully remembers that Eric can’t come in unless invited, but Eric reminds Lafayette that he can wait for, like, ever, except in the day time, so I guess that threat doesn’t really work. Hmm. Anyway. Lafayette is all OMGWTF YOU LET ME GO. Eric says “I gave you a very generous gift, the gift of not killing you, and I’m here to give you something else.”

AHAHAHA, and what follows is one of my favorite moments because it’s so cheesy and ridiculous, but it’s SO something a thousand year old vampire would say. Eric reaches his arm in through the window with a dramatic finger flourish and rolls up his sleeve and says, “The healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.” AHAHAHAHA, WHUT? Oh, Eric, I love you. He’s also sort of molesting his own wrist with his thumb, I guess to make it all sexy-like. Lafayette looks tempted, but then he tells Eric he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Eric immediately pulls his arm back and goes -_-, and he tells Lafayette that he can smell his infected leg, and that it will probably fall off if he doesn’t drink the HEALING ELIXIR (bwuaha). Lafayette asks Eric why he wants to give him his blood, and Eric sort of leans in the window, and he is totally unbelievably cute when he says “I like you.”

And the fangirls EXPLODE.

Lafayette calls Eric’s bluff, and Eric finally admits it’s because Sookie likes him, and whatever Sookie likes, Eric finds…curious. Eric points out that Lafayette has no choice, complete with eyebrow raise, and Lafayette is like FUCK. Eric grins like a maniac just as the hilariously crap cartoon on the tv shows some guy killing a skeleton that busts into a million pieces. OOOH, FORESHADOWING.

Back at Hotel Vampire, Bill is doing his interrogation of Leon, and it seems that Jessica has fucked this guy up royally. When Bill asks her what she did, she is in the other room and screams, “ I AM ON THE PHONE!” AHAHA. A funny moment amongst a million annoying ones. Anyway, we find out that yes, it was the FotS who engineered the kidnapping, but that is all that Leon knows. Leon doesn’t know who hired him or why, doesn’t know Sookie’s name, and he doesn’t know where Godric is. Bill hypnovamps Leon into thinking that the Compton Party never showed up! Hee hee!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Homoeroticism, Eric is watching that hilariously crap cartoon while Lafayette is drinking his blood, and GUH. I have to say it is a very hot moment, if not a little disturbing. Lafayette is all NOMNOMNOM, and Eric is all hot in his tank top, and the fangirls are doing the pee-pee dance of excitement. Eric oh so calmly says “that’s enough” but Lafayette keeps nomming, so Eric is forced to smack him across the room, chiding him “Don’t get greedy.” Eric’s phone rings, and in a super cool way, the wound on his arm heals as he is answering it. OMG THOSE ARMS. I swear…PHEW.

Anyway, it’s Bill, and Eric gripes at him for not calling right as they landed, but Bill tells him of the almost kidnapping, and Eric pretends not to know who did it. Bill is not buying this, and Eric admits that he had a suspicion that the FotS was involved. Bill gets all shirty about not being told about this, and Eric is all OMG BITCH STEP OFF. Eric is the sheriff, and Bill is the underling. GET OVER IT. Some random music starts up in the background, and Eric hangs up on Bill.

And awesome Lafayette returns as he JUMPS back into frame and starts doing insane dances. Mostly he’s just banging a chair, the fireplace, and the floor. O.o Eric is all YAWN about this and says, “How nice for you…well, I must fly.” AND WE KNOW HE MEANS THIS LITERALLY. I’m almost afraid to see how it looks when he flies because I’m sure it will be ridiculous, but for now, we just see him leave, and Lafayette does the Worm on the floor. WELCOME BACK, LAFAYETTE.

Back at Cult Camp, Jason is unpacking his stuff in his new bedroom, and the place is just as unbelievable tacky as we would have imagined. Douche Wife comes in wearing her sexy little nightgown, and the whole scene is just uncomfortable and tense with SEXY SEXNESS. Jason is all EEP at the exposed cleavage. Douche Wife claims that he’s staying with them because the SoS bunks only hold 14 and Jason makes 15, but we don’t buy that for a minute.

Up in the Room of SEXY SEX, Bill and Sookie are making out all passionately, when BWUAHA, there’s a knock at the door, and yes, of course, it is Eric, cock-blocking him yet again. Down in the bar, Eric tells Bill he thinks it’s lulzy that he can’t protect Sookie. Bill says that Eric is a monster because he doesn’t care about anybody but himself, and Eric is all OMG NUH UH, I care about others! Bill then notes that for some reason, Eric cares about Godric. (I will not spoil it for those who have not obsessively combed the HBO website and saw the little teaser thing on Eric’s page, but yes, he cares about Godric. Like, A LOT.)

Eric gives some bullshit runaround about how Godric is beloved by his subjects, and how Godric is twice as old as him and OMG SO POWERFUL, so if he can be taken, anybody can be. OOOH, SCARY! Bill then tries to get Eric to release Sookie from her agreement, but Eric is having none of that. I also noticed at this point how freaking STILL Eric is. It’s kind of creepy. And delicious. Eric mentions that Texas is crazy and the vampires there will start a big war with humans if they don’t get Godric back. Oh, Eric. We love you.

Back at the Party of SEXY SEXY ORGY, Daphne is all TEE HEE with Sam, and in the course of their making out, she drops a bombshell on him. OMG I NO WHUT U R, she whispers all sexily, and Sam goes O.O, and Daphne pulls him out the back door, and then we realize that this party has gone off the rails. Eggs and Tara are having big time SEXY SEX, and we almost see Tara’s girl parts, but NO. DENIED. We do see that girl with Creepy Mike Spencer’s girl parts, and we see Arlene all up on Terry, and then suddenly, everybody starts diving into food. They’re like slamming it into their faces and using it as face scrub. It’s really bizarre. Some people are drinking wine, and others are just acting like they’re on ecstasy, and everybody has the black eyes of doom. Maryann is in the backyard doing her blurry shaky thing as usual, and the more she does it, the more crazy everybody gets until a fight breaks out, and some chick starts rolling around on the ground and eating dirt? WTF!!?! Then we see Maryann is also digging in the dirt, and when she finishes doing the Hippy Hippy Shake, she lifts her arms up, and OH NOES! She has the scary claw hands that gave Sookie the Back of Nasty! SHE IS THE BULL MAN THING!

Much less dramatic things are going on back at Hotel Cockblock, and Sookie is browsing the television channels. She checks out the porn, and there is one called “Intercourse with the Vampire.” HILARIOUS. There is a knock at the door, and when Sookie goes to answer it, Jessica comes out and tells Sookie she ordered something. There is a bellboy on the other side of the door who shows in the room service, and the room service is a hot boy in a bathrobe. AHAHA. This hotel is awesome. Jessica and Meal disappear, and for once, we hear Sookie’s thoughts, and while she’s thinking about how old the Meal is, the bellboy answers out loud that the Meal is 21, and Sookie goes O.O and says “That’s weird…almost like he read my mind.” And bellboy thinks back, “I did read your mind. Oh, Fuck.” BARRY! YAY! IT’S BARRY! HI, BARRY!

Barry realizes that Sookie is reading his mind, and Sookie realizes that Barry is reading hers, and then Barry goes O.O and takes off running, and Sookie chases after him. End credits.

This episode gives me mixed feelings. They threw a lot of plot at us, but at the same time, I’m left a little unsatisfied. But, after watching this episode…

--I don’t think Jessica is going to make it to the end of the season. I have a feeling they will kill her off as a way to give Bill more angst.
--Barry is going to be great.
--Eric PWNS EVERYONE, and Lafayette is going to be fantastic and totally his slave forever.

I love this show. :D

Potterpalooza Countdown Day 9

2009-07-11T21:20:00.001-04:00

Yes, that is a lightning bolt scar. And my huge schnoz.

I wish I had a robe or an awesome denim jacket to put this on.

Professor Quirrell impersonation. My turban is FABULOUS

CANDY.

A Gross Anniversary

2009-07-09T10:12:00.002-04:00

Seven years ago today, I woke up at 6:30 am to get ready for work. I went out to the living room of the apartment that my best friend and I were living in Louisville, and I turned on the TV, as I always did. I noticed that there were messages on the answering machine, and when I hit the button, I heard my mother yelling like a maniac on the machine. I called her and she told me that something had happened at my apartment building, and she was calling to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine, that she was crazy, and hung up.

That is when I went back in the living room and started to watch the news. On the news, one of the local news girls was standing in front of a building that had very distinctive shrubbery. This shrubbery looked very familiar. I leaned over to the window beside me and pulled the blinds down.

That news girl was standing just below my window.

This is when the police came and knocked on the door. I went and woke Eleisha up because the cops wanted to talk to us. The man that had been living upstairs had murdered his girlfriend. After months of abuse, he had snapped during an argument. He had stabbed her several times, then he took the woman's four year old daughter to her grandmother's and called the police to turn himself in.

It was the most insane, shocking day of my entire life.

Long story short, Eleisha had heard some things that night that turned out to be evidence, and she ended up having to go testify against this guy twice. I cannot express to you the absolute horror of having to sleep in that apartment that night. We pulled my futon mattress into the living room and slept on it together because we were so scared. Scared of what, I don't know. He had turned himself in, but in that moment, we knew that we were not safe. The world is not a safe place.

We had moved into that apartment in February of that year, and then in July this had happened. We had never been away from home before, and this is what we have to deal with when we finally do get away. It is a day that I will never forget as long as I live.

I will also never forget the looks on the faces of that woman's family when we went to court. I will never forget seeing her little girl playing outside. I will never forget how we screamed and hit the ceiling with a broom because they were too loud all the time. I will never forget feeling like we could have saved her life if we had realized what we were hearing instead of just being annoyed that we couldn't hear the TV.

Seven years later, and I still woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach.

Potterpalooza extra!

2009-07-08T11:55:00.000-04:00

I changed the masthead to reflect my current state of Potter-Mania, though I really hate how it doesn't go over that whole box thing that is there. I need to look into finding a different layout to fix that. Hrm..

Anyway, happy 1 week until Potter!

POTTERPALOOZA COUNTDOWN

2009-07-07T20:10:00.000-04:00

Day 1--Potter rings on fingers, dig out Slytherin messenger bag

Day 3--90% Potter outfit

Day 5--watch and listen to random Harry Potter media online

With 8 days left to go, I still have SO much to do.

--get hair cut and colored, find flat-iron, perfect Snape-hair before the big day
--decide on outfit, HOPEFULLY find a black pleated skirt if nothing else
--FIND SLYTHERIN TOE SOCKS
--watch all five movies
--hold Harry Potter Scene It tournament
--find some way to display Harry Potter tattoos...though not sure how possible that will be
--buy HBP video game for the Wii
--get this series of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean, removing all Booger, Vomit, and Ear Wax ones

OMFG POTTER IN 8 FREAKING DAYS. *THUD*

The Joys of My Job

2009-07-04T21:08:00.001-04:00

Dispatcher: 911, where is your emergency?
Woman: Yeah...last night, a raccoon came into my house, and it crawled up into my roll-top desk. So, I closed the top and put the desk out on my porch. Now, the raccoon crawled up into the part where it rolls, and I can't get it out. I need help.
Dispatcher: ........

This is just a typical day, though holidays are usually more insane than most. Luckily, I got to leave at 5, so I missed out on most of the craziness, I hope.

My First-Born Child Will Be Named Starscream

2009-07-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

This movie really could have been called two things other than "Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen."

It could have been called "Transformers: Megatron Pwnz0rs All," or "Transformers: Revenge of Megan Fox's Boobs," because that is what this movie is-- Megatron owning everybody and Megan Fox running around with Megan Fox's boobs in Megan Fox's incredibly tight white pants. I am good with both of those things.

The first thing you should know about this movie is that it is an action movie. That's it. Remember that going in, and you will love it. If you expect it to be anything more, you will leave the theater disappointed. If you go in thinking it will be better than the first one, you will be disappointed. If you go in thinking you will not stare at Megan Fox's boobs, you will be disappointed.

1--THIS IS AN ACTION MOVIE
2--IT IS NOT BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE.
3--YOU WILL STARE AT MEGAN FOX'S BOOBS.

Accept these three things and you will have a great time!

Yes, the movie has problems. It's a given that it would have problems. But none of the problems it has are so bad that I can't overlook them. That being said...

THE GOOD

Megatron--or more specifically, Hugo Weaving as Megatron. He's great! The voice is just amazing, and finally, in this one, I heard Hugo Weaving whereas in the first one, if you didn't know, you probably wouldn't know it was him. This movie was a Megatronpalooza, and that is win.

The Sound Effects and Music--You know how at the beginning of Dreamworks movies they have the little guy sitting on the moon fishing and his little bobber thing plops into the water? Ha, not in a Transformers movie. Instead, during the studio credits, we get the roboty sounds. It's a great way to get you sucked right into the movie. It's like OMFG YES TRANSFORMERS!!1!1 The sounds they make when they transform and the cool sound it makes when they shoot their weapons...it's so just awesome! Plus, when the Decepticons talk to each other in their weird language it totally shook the seats in the theater. WIN! Plus, incorporating the sound of Linkin Park's song from the first movie was genius. The new single for this one isn't as good as "What I've Done," but since "The New Divide" was written especially for the movie, I think they did a damn good job. The score is fantastic, too.

The Parents--Sam's parents are hilarious. His mom actually gets stoned and acts insane, and it is magic. There's a scene between Sam and his parents that will absolutely choke you up. It's a strange poignant moment in the middle of insane robot death matches. They're a great comic relief in the mess of murder and destruction.

Shia LeBeouf--I don't care what ANYBODY says. I can NEVER have enough LeBeouf.

Starscream--I maintain that Starscream is the coolest of all the Transformers, but he is always third behind the nostalgic favorite Optimus Prime and Megatron, who is my favorite. You really get to see just how abused Starscream is in this movie. He is very obviously Megatron's bitch, and they are gay robot boyfriends. He has new Decepticon tattoos, and there's just something scary about the times when they see him coming. In the audience, people were going OMG NOOOOO! IT'S STARSCREAM! Starscream will be the name of my first-born child.

The Decepticons--in general, they are awesome. Soundwave, Devastator (even though Devastator was a typo in the first movie for one that was named Brawl), and ESPECIALLY Ravage. An asteroid crashes into the ocean and a robot jaguar jumps out? WHAT IS MORE AWESOME THAN THAT?

Characterization--I was very happy to see that they gave the Transformers personalities. We got to see more than just them transforming and fighting. We got to see the dynamic between Megatron and Starscream. We got to see that they have lives behind just being robots that cause mayhem, and that is awesome.

The Way You Feel When You See Optimus Prime--nevermind the fact that he turned into a fire truck originally. Every time you see that blue Peterbuilt truck with the flames, I think the six year old inside all of us screams and dances. At least mine does. It reminds me of a different time, a happier time when I was little and didn't know what I know now.

Megan Fox's Boobs--they're fantastic.

THE BAD

The Fallen--I'm not sure why they decided to go with this storyline, but it's not what I would have chosen if it was my choice. After the insanity of the first one, it makes more sense that the Decepticons would rescue Megatron, and it would be HIS revenge for his defeat. Instead, The Fallen just sort of appears, and Megatron goes to serve him. Unless we're suppose to forget everything that happened in the first movie, and in that case, hey! It makes perfect sense. Sorry, no. They said Megatron crash landed on Earth thousands of years before the events of the movie, and what? The Fallen was just hanging out waiting for him to thaw? I don't think so.

The Story--I will admit, it gets a little convoluted. It's a lot to follow if you're not in the know about Transformers. I don't know everything, but I know a little, and even I was like, "WHAT?" They get a bit deeper into the mythology than really needs to be done, but in the end, it's a movie about alien robots. What am I expecting?

The Dialogue--the whole first thirty minutes of the movie, everyone is talking so fast you can barely understand them. I found myself wishing for closed captioning just so I could follow along. I know Sam is neurotic, but whoa.

The Twins, Mudflap and Skids--there were accusations of racism about these two. Usually, I don't buy into the stupid claims of such things since IT IS A MOVIE ABOUT ALIEN ROBOTS, but I'm going to have to agree. They have gold teeth! GOLD TEETH. It wasn't enough to outrage me, but it was enough that I saw what they were talking about and agreed. Bad move on the producer's part. I could have done without them in the movie alltogether, honestly.

Dead Optimus Prime--I swear, I almost cried. Why would they do that to us? It's just wrong in so many ways. On the upside, his death scene, which is an all out brawl between him and Megatron, is made of win.

Dead Sam--RESURRECTION? FROM BEING TOLD 'I LOVE YOU'? So over-played and annoying. Some angelic Autobots tell Sam to go back and not die? REALLY? REALLY!?!

THE RANDOM

--There were so many damn robots in this movie that it was almost hard to keep up. It's especially difficult once you get the Constructicons involved. Who is a good guy? Who's a bad guy? I don't know how the army guys knew who to shoot.

--Why is it that the first time we see them transform it takes twelve hours, but after that it's like BOOM TRANSFORMED?

--The opening scene takes place in China where this special team of humans and Autobots have some kind of partnership to go around and catch lingering Decepticons who are hiding on Earth. They practically destroy the entire town they are in. So all of that property damage and death to civilians is worth catching one Decepticon who was hanging out as a bulldozer and not hurting anybody?

--Be warned. This movie has much harsher language than the first. They even use the "P-word," which is a no-no for me. I could see uncomfortable parents with their six year olds going o.O Hey, it's a PG-13 movie. Get over it.

--I'm pretty ambivalent about the new guy, Leo. I don't like or dislike him. He's sort of just there.

--I really think they could have left Jetfire out of it, but the scenes where they go to find him are pretty funny.

Overall, I pretty much loved this movie. I thought it was great. I'm not sure what the critics found so wrong about it because I found it every kind of right.

Especially Megan Fox's boobs.

Attack of the Killer Sushi

2009-06-30T21:34:00.001-04:00

Three things happened because we decided to eat at the Chinese buffet for dinner tonight.

1. My sister's baby's daddy proved that he is an unimaginable asshole.
2. I finally conquered my fear and tried a piece of sushi.
3. The waitress asked if my mother was a senior citizen. She's 48.

I have gone into that buffet at least ten times in the past six months, and every time I go, I go over to the place where they have the sushi, and I stare at it. I stare at the weird little rice and seaweed monsters. I stare, and I stare, and I stare, and then I always chicken out and go back to my seat sushi-less. It's the idea of biting into that mess in the middle that bothers me. I have a thing about texture. I pick up the sushi, and it feels so weird and spongy, and the idea of putting that into my mouth is just too much. The idea of my front teeth biting into that mess is just too big a hurdle to jump over. I reasoned that if I could get the whole thing into my extraordinarily huge gob all at once, I might be able to manage, but since I have never found a piece small enough for that, I was safe.

This time, I went up to that little sushi tray, and I stared at the seaweed wrapped kind, and it stared back at me with it's weird green and yellow stuff in the middle, mocking me with it's perfectly round shape, and I said, "Today is the day, seaweed thing!" I picked that spongy thing up and put it on my plate, and then I practically RAN back to the table. I announced my triumph. I had never successfully gotten a piece onto my plate, and there it was! VICTORY!

The only problem now that it was on my plate was that it was obviously too big to be eaten in one bite. I managed to get rid of some of the rice and seaweed to mold it into a more bite-sized piece, trying so hard not to look at what was in the middle of this monstrosity. The seaweed and rice didn't really taste so bad. It really didn't taste like anything. So far, so good. That was until I put that thing into my mouth and started to chew.

It crunched, and my mouth was instantly on fire.

I have no idea what was in it, but I chewed and swallowed what I could, but it was just too much. I had to spit out what I couldn't choke down. The taste really wasn't so bad. It really didn't have a taste except, of course, of the taste of the volcanic, nuclear, lava from the bowels of Hell THING that crunched in the middle. The problem was that as soon as I crunched on that little piece of the things nightmares are made of, it felt like somebody had put a bullet into my forehead.

Then my lips started to go numb.

Then I was deliriously giddy for all of ten minutes.

Then my face, every freaking INCH OF MY FACE, started to feel like it was melting off like the Nazis at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Thank heavens I fell asleep in the back of the car on the way home.

I now feel like I have been run over several times by a bulldozer.

People who tell you to try new things are idiots. Don't listen to them.

Spammy Goodness

2009-06-29T20:50:00.005-04:00

This one is a doozy. I just got too much good spam this time around. Enjoy.

1. BWAHAHA. Wild Prince of Pleasure!
2. Wasn't you in English class?
3. "On That Heap of Stones, She Mourns..." How emo is that? I have got to find some way to use this in my life.

1. Not JUST night attacks, but OFTEN night attacks.
2. Not JUST passion, but JUNGLE passion.
3. I love how spam is just so caring.
4. AHAHA WONKY!!

1. & 2. I think the one between them says all that needs to be said.
3. & 4. They must really, really want me to hump the best girls.
5. What the hell is it with spam wanting me to buy watches? I mean, really!

1. Yes, I am having trouble reading the email...THROUGH ALL MY TEARS.

Recap: True Blood Season 2--"Scratches" aka EWW, EWW, OMG EWW

2009-06-29T13:01:00.001-04:00

Please be warned. This recap contains spoilers from the book, and it also contains speculation about what might happen later this season. If you don't want it to be spoiled/possibly spoiled, please don't click on the cut! For the rest of you...

Previously on True Blood…

Sookie proposes to Tara, and Maryann gets the mega-hump. Jason has a PTSD-style freak out and almost kills Douche Wife. Eggs tells Tara of his sordid past, and then gets the mega-hump when she isn’t all OMG I LOVE convicted felons! Lafayette tried to bust out of Fangtasia, but Ginger the Skank shot him. Lafayette asked Eric to make him a vampire, but Eric had reservations. Reservations about making him a vampire, not about NOMNOMNOMing him, which he did. Maryann made everybody feel all SEXY SEXY at Merlotte’s, except Sam, who had the mega-hump, and so Maryann turned him into a collie. Bill got the mega-hump because Eric wants to borrow Sookie for an investigation, and Jessica totally broke her promise and ran inside her parent’s house which resulted in Bill having to come and save the day, growling and yelling at Sookie as he did so.

So, they try to do this clever thing where it looks like the beginning of the pilot, all driving fast in the back roads. Sookie is all OMG BILL SLOW DOWN I’M SKURED! Bill looks hilarious driving Sookie’s car, and he pulls over, and Sookie tries to apologize, saying that it was Jessica’s family OMG! This does NO GOOD and Bill says SHE IS A VAMPIRE, YO. Meanwhile, Jessica has been crying her bloody tears in the backseat, and she is all OMG I H8 j00! Bill does not care and smacks her down with a good old “BE QUIET!” Jessica harrumphs and is out of the conversation. Bill tells Sookie that she undermined his authority as Jessica’s maker, and we also learn that he didn’t eat Jessica’s family. He simply glamoured them all to bits, and Sookie tries to apologize again, but Bill FINALLY steps up to her and says, “You keep saying that…and I am expected to what? Forget this ever happened?” BURN, SOOKIE. Sookie gives him some excuse about how she thought of Gran when Jessica brought up her family, but Bill is so past the point of caring about Gran, and Sookie FINALLY gets out her Woman Empowerment Cape and throws open the door. Bill’s crazy accent disappears as he says “What are you doing?” Sookie flaps her cape about and tells him she’d rather walk the 20 miles back to Bon Temps then stay in the car another second with Bill! OOH, GURRRL. Bill gets back in the car, and Jessica tells him OMG, dude, she wants you to go after to her all dramatic-like. But Bill has too much pride for that, and he simply says that she will come back once she’s got that cape business out of her system.

Meanwhile, Sookie is walking down the scariest path known to man, and for the first time, I realize just how short her shorts are and just how much junk Sookie has in her trunk. Wowsers. So, Sookie is walking with her SEXY SEXY backside, and she starts to hear…yes, wait for it…Scary Noises! She thinks it’s Bill, but it’s definitely NOT Bill. She turns around and up the road she sees…I have no freaking idea what that thing is. It has bull horns, but it stands on two legs, and it has crazy claws like Gnarl from “Buffy.“ It’s a Bull Man Thing, and anyway, it runs after Sookie and, of course, catches her, and it scratches the holy hell out of her back, and down she goes. Bill’s Sookie Sense starts tingling, and he’s off to the races to find her, as BMT’s hand menaces Sookie’s helpless form.

Credits. WOOOO!

Let me just pause to say that it looks like they’re trying to get back into some kind of groove with the books because this scene plays out in “Living Dead in Dallas,” though it is very different. I’m not sure what the hell this BMT is, but whatever. I’m going to go with it for now. But I reserve the right to cry OMFG FOUL any time I want!

Anyway, back on the Road of Scary Noises and Death, Bill vampires up the road to see Sookie laying in the road, and he gets this really choked up voice as he runs over to help her, and it gets your heart a little. He rolls her over, and she is all screaming in pain and tells him it was a bull human (?) and that she can’t move. (JUST like Gnarl in Buffy!) Bill bites his wrist and feeds it to Sookie, but she takes one sip and then starts seizing and foaming at the mouth. It’s pretty disgusting. Jessica shows up to say just how gross it is, and Bill tells her to get the car. Next thing we know, they’re pulling up outside of Fangtasia because Bill can’t solve his own problems and always has to run to Eric. (This becomes a theme, by the way, and it becomes very ironic. Tee hee.) Bill OMG ORDERS Jessica to go home.

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is totally traumatized from his meeting with Maryann, and it’s actually kind of cute. Daphne tiptoes in with this horrible look on her face and tells him that she’s short for the night. Like WAY short, and Sam gets some of his old nag back and tells her she has to pay for it herself. Daphne pouts and gives him all the tips she has, pretty much saying OMG MEANIE as she flees the room. Tara is up next, and you can just tell that Sam does not want to deal with her. He tells her that he doesn’t want Maryann in the bar anymore, and he tells Tara to stay away from her because she doesn’t know her. Well, neither did he, but he slept with her. All Tara has done is eat mangoes and smoke weed!

Next, it’s back to Fangtasia, and we get to see first hand what BMT did to Sookie, and let me tell you, it is gross. Her back is clawed all to hell, and she wakes up to see a strange old lady wearing scrubs. Those of us who know who this lady is go OMG YAAAAAY, and those of you who don’t probably go, WHOA she is weird looking. Let me tell you, she is less weird than she is in the books. Anyway, she is Dr. Ludwig, and she is old and sassy and has no love for vampires, which is shows when she tells Bill to STFU and let her work on Sookie. Eric’s deadpan drawls from the corner, and we see he is watching the whole scene very unimpressed, and he’s still wearing the hideous track suit. Dr. Ludwig tells us that Sookie is poisoned, and she tells the vampires to get out because she has to take off Sookie’s clothes. Um, hello? She and Bill have SEXY SEX all the time, but I’m guessing this isn’t going to be SEXY SEX, and she doesn’t want them trying to interfere as she works. Bill tries to say how sorry he is, but Sookie just barfs up some more foam, which is pretty much how I’m starting to feel about Bill and Sookie, in general. How romantic.

In Eric’s office, Eric and Bill are trying to figure out just what in the hell mauled poor Sookie. Eric says that even in a thousand years he hasn’t heard of this thing, and he tells Pam and Chow to go search the woods. Pam says Chow can do it because she’s wearing her new pumps, and we love Pam just a little bit more now. Eric orders her in Swedish, and she goes -_- but gives in and stalks out. “She is extremely lazy, but loyal,” Eric says, then asks about Jessica. Bill tells him that she is junk, and Eric seems to find this funny. Bill tries to go back to Sookie, but Eric tells him not to worry. Dr. Ludwig treated one of Pam’s humans when he was bitten by a werewolf, and he only lost an eye! Yay!

Just then, Sookie starts screaming bloody murder as Dr. Ludwig pours something all over her back, and it makes the wounds smoke, and the whole thing is very, very disgusting. Sookie is screaming and crying and writhing, and Dr. Ludwig DIGS into one of the scratches, and I thought we couldn’t get more gross than Lafayette digging into A.B.’s leg meat to get the metal rod out, but I was wrong.

Somewhere over in Texas, Jason wakes up screaming at the same time as Sookie is getting “medical attention,” and AWW, that is kind of cute. It’s like some weird twin thing where he knows that Sookie is in pain. He looks around the Cult Camp dorm and then goes PHEW and lays back down, but then AHAHAHA, one of the greatest moments ever happens. We hear a very familiar voice says, “Oooooh, you’re so warm, and I’m so cold.” And then FREAKING EDDIE is in the bed with Jason all snuggly-buggly like. Jason is all O.O U R DED THIS AIN’T REAL, and Eddie goes “OOOOH, does this feel real?” And I thought for a minute he was going to try to sex him up, but no, instead, Eddie pulls Jason’s head back and bites his neck.

Annnd, Jason wakes up AGAIN at Cult Camp and is all O.O. Poor Jason. He starts to pray, and it’s all very sincere, until stupid Luke throws a pillow at him and tells him to STFU. Jason hugs his pillow and pouts and tries to go back to sleep.

Back in the Office of the Worst Doctor Ever, Dr. Ludwig is cleaning Sookie up, but her back is still all mauled, and Eric and Bill are there watching. Bill is all petpet to Sookie, but Eric is all drooly fang man staring at Sookie’s decimated back. Creepy, but hilarious. Dr. Ludwig tells them they can give her blood now, and Bill goes to bite his wrist, but Eric vampires around and tells him, “Mine is much stronger. Allow me.” Bill says OMG NEVER, and Eric laughs and gives in. Bill lets Sookie drink, and there is something weird about Eric watching this happen. I don’t know. Maybe that sort of thing should be private? Anyway, Pam and Chow come back in, and Pam’s pumps are RUINED, and they tell Eric the thing had human tracks but animal smell. On their way out, Eric says, “And Pam…those were great pumps.” BWUAHAH. She looks like she wants to stab him. Bill says he doesn’t want to move Sookie, and Eric says they can stay. Bill gets to use Longshadow’s old coffin which “might be a bit messy.” Bwuaha, again. Bill says thank you to Eric for all the help, and then we see a bit of Eric that is EXACTLY like the books when he says that he’s sure there’s a way she can repay him, meaning that bitch is going to Dallas now whether Bill likes it or not. Bill realizes this, and we get DUH DUH DUUUUUH except in pretty violin form.

Let me take a break for a moment to discuss something about this show. This is going to veer off into speculation and contain spoilers for the books and what might possibly happen on the show, so you have been warned. Those of us who have read the books know that Bill and Sookie’s relationship doesn’t last much longer, and she eventually ends up with Eric for a short time, then with some stupid were tiger named Quinn, and now finally, she is sort of back to Eric. Eric/Sookie IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE. I am very protective of it, and OMG I NEED TO SEE IT ON SCREEN. The problem I have is that by now in the books, we have seen that Eric does have affection for Sookie, even if it is just OMG I want to sleep with you and drink your blood affection. On the show, we have none of that. We just have Eric being Eric, and Sookie being Sookie. They are either doing a really great job of building up to it, or they aren’t going to do it, AND I WILL DIE. Anyway, in the book, Eric, Bill, Pam, and Chow have to do a sort of blood transfusion for Sookie. That is how she is healed, not by some bottle of smoke-making stuff. They give her a synthetic blood transfusion at Sookie’s request, and she has big nasty scars. I’m not sure why they chose not to do it on the show, but I’m a little disappointed. This is the first way that Eric gets his claws into Sookie, and it’s missing now. Not really an important point, but something I wanted to bring up anyway. Moving on!

Back at Maryann’s House of Bitch, You Crazy, Weird Butler is making some kind of soup or something that honestly looks like it contains a human heart. Maryann just comments that it needs more juniper. (Hatehatehate her.) Tara comes in, and they have a sit down, and Tara finally asks why Sam hates Maryann. Maryann turns it all around, and it turns into a conversation about Tara’s self-worth. Snore. I’m so over this. The whole time they’re talking, Maryann is rolling the biggest hog leg of a joint I have ever seen, and Tara forgets all about everything and decides to get stoned instead.

Meanwhile, back at Sam’s Trailer of Scaredy Cats, Sam is packing his car full of boxes, and he’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival.” Where do they find these shirts? First, we had Jason’s “Alabama Thunderpussy” shirt, and now this? I must find out where the costume guys shop. Anyway, Terry Bellefleur pulls up, and Sam asks him if he will watch the bar while he’s gone on his trip, his trip to he doesn’t know where. I’m guessing the pressure of Maryann is getting to be too much for Sam, so he’s OUT. Terry is very nervous about the idea of having to run the bar, but Sam has asked everybody else in the world, and Terry is his last choice. So, Terry agrees, but then he does what we all want to do. He has a little PTSD moment, and he calls Sam a coward, and angrily drives away. I love Terry.

Back at Cult Camp, we see a woman who is covered with scars from fang marks, and we see we’re in some kind of support group for vampire victims which is being lead by Douche Wife. Jason is listening to all of this, looking very skeptical might I add, and Douche Wife asks him if there’s anything he wants to share. Jason says OMG NO NO NO, but then actually does tell them that he is not at Cult Camp because he’s a vampire victim. He tells them that his sister is dating a vampire, and that he’s a nice guy. (Even though last season, he hated Bill. Go fig.) He brings up Amy staking Eddie in front of him, and he actually stands up for once and says that Cult Camp is a bunch of bullshit. It is a beautiful moment, and I must share it.

Jason: My girlfriend, she staked a vampire right in front of me. His name was Eddie, and he was gay, but he was a real nice person.
Douche Wife: He wasn’t a person, Jason. *points to fang mark girl* A person wouldn’t do that, would they?
Jason: Well, my Gran and my girlfriend were killed by my best friend, just ‘cause he had a problem with vampires, and he was a person.

OOOOH, SMACKDOWN TO THE DOUCHE WIFE. Beauty.

Jason walks out of the meeting, but Douche Wife follows him, and she tells him a sob story about how her sister got all obsessed with vampires and disappeared, and that’s why she does what she does. She asks him to pray with her, and during the prayer, Jason gets the googly eyes for a minute. The whole point of this scene is to show that Douche Wife and Jason are getting the hots for each other, and to show just how much the Cult Camp is brainwashing him.

Meanwhile, back at Club Yay All Better, Sookie is waking up, and she’s wearing a Fangtasia shirt, that I’m sure you can buy at HBO’s website. She’s sort of all WTF happened, and she goes to check herself in the mirror. Yay, no scars. Ginger appears out of nowhere and gives her a peanut butter and chocolate syrup sandwich. Wow, thanks. Ginger is so ridiculous that it’s kind of gross, and Sookie asks her if the vampires make her stay there all the time. Ginger tells her that she usually just comes in for deliveries, but lately she’s been…and then she dissolves into giggles. Sookie smells a rat, and she mind melds with her and hears Ginger say, “Ohmigod, I almost told her about her friend Lafayette in the basement, and Eric says I can’t tell her!” Sookie goes into super detective mode, and Ginger accidentally thinks about the gun under the cash register, which Sookie goes and procures for herself. Ginger does that hilarious scream, and Sookie orders her to take her to Lafayette. We’re back in the Cellar of Grossness, and Lafayette can’t believe she’s there. Turns out, they didn’t turn him into a vampire. BOO, Alan Ball. BOOO! Anyway, Sookie promises Lafayette she is going to get him out, and she is pinning on her Woman Empowerment Cape as she says it, so we KNOW she means business.

Back at Maryann’s House of Rockin’ Parties, Eggs is playing a song on his guitar to a crowd of adoring onlookers, and Tara, who looks BEAUTIFUL and is supposed to be at work, comes and sits down beside him. They have one of their flirty talks, and Tara decides she isn’t going to go to work, and they kiss a little. Are they cute or are they gross? I can’t decide.

Bill is finally waking up in Fantasia’s backroom, and he comes out and hugs Sookie, and Bill is all o.O because Sookie all tense. He asks her if she’s still mad about their fight because it doesn’t matter! Sookie says no, it doesn’t, but WTF? Why is Lafayette chained in the basement with a bullet hole in his leg and in desperate need of a shave? Bill is like WTF? Sookie practically beats him to death with her cape, and he tells her that he has no idea what the hell she is talking about. This is the point when Eric has apparently woken up, too, and he joins the party, and holy Moses, he is wearing a green shirt, jeans, and a pair of flip-flops, and I can barely contain myself. THANK YOU, COSTUME DEPARTMENT. Eric says that she’s probably talking about Lafayette who slept with Eddie to get his blood so he could sell it, a major no-no. Sookie sees a golden opportunity because by this point, I don’t think she’s really used her cape on Eric. She gets all in his face and tells him he should be ashamed of himself, and she actually hauls off and slaps him. Eric just goes YAWN and says, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, and may I add, that color suits you very well.” “GO TO HELL!” she screams, and Bill is just all upset about the turn of events because he knows that Eric could very well go all crazy snarly beast thing on Sookie like he did on A.B.

Sookie DEMANDS that Eric lets Lafayette go, and she says that she’ll call the police if he doesn’t. It’s at this point that Eric gets all up in her face, fangs a-flashin’and with that weird vampo voice of his, and Sookie actually looks scared for a moment, but then Eric steps back and tells her they can come to some sort of arrangement. Like, say, going to Dallas with him?

Back at Shithole Bar and Grill, Sam is leaving a message on Tara’s phone because she hasn’t shown up for work. He thinks it’s because they had a fight, but we know the truth. He tells her to take a good look at the people around her. Ooh, foreshadowing. Arlene comes in late, and she’s all apologetic, but Sam is suddenly Mr. Nice Guy, and even Arlene notices the kinder, gentler Sam Merlotte. Sam goes back to the cash register and starts getting all sentimental. He looks at the pictures on the wall behind the register, and of course, he settles on one of Sookie, and tell me tell you, that picture of Sookie is FUH-IERCE, gurrrrl.

About this time, back at the Old Compton Place, Jessica is waking up to an empty house. She sort of pokes around and then petulantly pounds on the piano. I imagine this is something Bill doesn’t let her do when he’s around. You go, Jessica. You show that mean vampire dad of yours. In the next instant, that hilariously crap song “Sex and Candy” is playing as Jessica, all dolled up now, walks into Merlotte’s and looks around. Every guy in the bar notices her, but I have to disagree. I do not think she looks hot. I think she looks annoying, and oh, yeah, SEVENTEEN. Anyway, she sets her sights on none other than our dear Hoyt. Hoyt also notices her and screws up the courage to go and sit down with her. In the course of their conversation, Jessica can’t stop watching the way his jugular is all POUND POUND in his throat, and finally, when he asks if she wants anything to drink or eat, she says she’ll have a bottle of Tru Blood, and Hoyt goes O.O and then *____*. I do recall him asking Sookie if Bill knew any cute vampires girls at the end of last season. His wish has come true! But I am screaming because NOOO, I LOVE HOYT. Do not tie him to Jessica, the most annoying creature on the planet! PLEASE OMG! There was one great moment in their conversation about chicken fried steak. “It’s like a chicken and a steak got together and made a baby. It’s delicious…crispy…baby.” BWUAHAH. The cuteness of that is unbelievable.

So, the next scene is probably the greatest one of the episode. Sookie is hammering out the details of her arrangement with Eric. If she goes to Dallas to help look for the missing Godric, Eric will let Lafayette go. Bill objects and is all OMG NO U ALMOST DIED, but Sookie shoves her cape down his throat because nobody tells Sookie Stackhouse what to do. Eric says he will pay all of the expenses, and yes, he will let Lafayette go. Here is where the hilarity begins. Rather than try to explain it, here is the transcript

Sookie: And I want five thousand dollars.
Eric: -_-
Bill: -_-
Sookie: I’ve missed a lot of work, and I need a driveway.
Eric: Your human is getting cocky.
Bill: She will take ten thousand, and I will escort her.
Eric: I don’t think so. No.
Sookie: Yes. Ten thousand and Bill comes with me, or it’s a deal breaker.
Eric: *looks like he wants to snap Sookie’s neck*
Sookie: *looks like she wants to puke*
Eric: *pushes a button and says something* You surprise me. That is a rare quality in a breather.
Sookie: You disgust me.
Eric: Perhaps I’ll grow on you.
Sookie: I’d prefer cancer.

BWUAHAH, greatness. So maybe they are setting up the love affair after all. Just then, Pam busts in and throws Lafayette on the floor, lamenting the loss of him. Lafayette gets all mouthy, and Pam asks for permission to kick him, but Bill comes to the rescue. Finally, Eric has had enough of this nonsense and tells Pam to tell Chow to get their car. Eric comes over and bends down and does this very strange little stroking motion on Lafayette’s shoulder, even as Lafayette is trying to get far, far away. “I’ll see you around, I’m sure,” Eric drawls. “Don’t bet on it, baby.” Lafayette answers. I love them to pieces forever. As Bill is picking up Lafayette, Sookie and Eric share a moment. It was more like they had a smolder-off because that’s what it was. Sookie: *smolders* Eric: *smolders back* Sookie: *smoldersmoldersmolder* Greatness.

Back at Maryann’s House of Don’t Eat That Soup, everybody is eating that soup, and everybody is loving it, even though it looks disgusting. Soon, the part devolves into a sex off, and WHAT? Is that Creepy Mike Spencer dancing with Drunk Jane Bodehouse? Excuse me. I just threw up a little. Andy Bellefleur walks in, and he looks like we all do at home. O.O Tara and Eggs are in a hot tub thing. Mike Spencer calls Jane a fiery little hellcat and then buries his face in her old cleavage. Andy is investigating the party, and way in the back, he sees what looks like a very expensive and elaborate dog house. When he goes to investigate, he sees that he is wrong. It is a very expensive and elaborate PIG HOUSE. There is the big that Tara saw on the road that made her crash, which begs the question, after all those days of mangoes and weed, did Tara never notice a great huge pig in the backyard? OMG…is Weird Butler the pig?!?! WHAT? No, wait, he was just serving the soup, so he can’t be. Right? RIGHT!?!

Just then Maryann smarms up, and Andy tells her that there have been some complaints about the noise. He also asks her if she has a permit for the big, and Maryann goes “What pig?” Andy turns around, and THE PIG IS GONE. Ooh, creepy. Andy freaks out, and Maryann gets him to stay by giving him some champagne. (Hatehatehate her.)

Back at Reverend Douche Newlin’s house, he and Jason are having dinner, and we all know that is going to make the Lukeanator very mad. Reverend Douche is laying it on thick with Jason, telling him that we need to hate? That it’s natural? He then proceeds to call vampires baby killers because of the unfortunate accident involving the Reverend Douche Newlin Sr. Jason is very overwhelmed by this, and you can almost see him turning into a clone. Just then, Douche Wife shows up with some banana pudding, and the Douches kiss a little, and I start to wonder if this is going to turn into some bizarre three-way. Once Douche Wife has gone back to get whipped cream, one of the greatest lines ever on this show is said, and it is said by the Reverend Douche Newlin himself. He tells Jason that he must be special, and Jason says, “Really?” And then it is said. The Reverend Douche Newlin nods and says, “Sarah doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody.” AHAHAHAHA. EPIC. Reverend Douche takes another swig of wine, and we think he’s just about to whip out HIS pudding for Jason.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Jessica has brought Hoyt home with her, and they have a chat, but all we can see in the foreground of the shot is a Wii remote. I kept thinking, when are they going to mention the Wii? And then they did. Hoyt is going to teach Jessica how to play the Wii when she randomly kisses him, and it’s a very awkward kiss, I have to say. In the middle of it, her fangs pop out, much like the way Bill’s did when he first kissed Sookie. She gets very embarrassed about it, but Hoyt tells her not to be, that it’s okay, that she should never be ashamed of what she is. Oh, Hoyt. We love you. Then he tries to take the high road and be a gentlemen, but Jessica flat out attacks him in a snarly way. OH NOES!

Over at Lafayette’s House of Why Do I Find Eric Hot?, Bill and Sookie are dropping him off, and Lafayette goes in the house, and he is just completely freaked out. He wraps himself up in a hideous afghan, and then probably cries himself to sleep. Poor Lafayette.

Bill and Sookie are driving home, and of course, it dissolves into one of their sweet as sugar discussions. She casually mentions how she thinks Eric is GROSS, HIDEOUS, AND MORE GROSS. She finds him in no way attractive or seductive, and she hates hates HATES him, kay? Bill tries to remind her that I’M A VAMPIRE, TOO, YO, but she goes on and on about how she sees good in him, that it shines in his eyes, and blah, blah, blah. Those of us who have read the books find this very hilarious, don’t we?

So, Maryann’s party has turned into the party of SEXY SEXNESS, and some random topless girl comes to join Tara and Eggs in the hot tub thing. She mentions that she is a licensed massage therapist and practically tackles Eggs. While this is going on, Tara is looking around the party at everyone sexing it up, including Mike Spencer and Jane Bodehouse, and we are finally reminded that we are watching an HBO show because we see a guy run by with his man parts hanging out. (It’s not TV, it’s random assorted penises!) Tara realizes that something is afoot here, and when she turns around sees Eggs making the O-face during his massage, she gets the mega-hump and gets out of there quick. That is when we realize that all the sexoholics at the party have the creepy X-Files black eyes. OH NOES!

Another hilariously ironic moment for us book readers as Tara storms into the house and Eggs chases after her. Tara wants to know if Eggs is into “the lifestyle,” and for those who don’t know, that means swingers. Eggs says it has nothing to do with “us,” and Tara says there is no us if this is his scene. AHAHAHAH oh, IRONY!

Back at Sam’s Trailer of I’m Getting Out of Here, Yo, the Collie runs up and starts barking at Sam as he’s packing the last of his stuff to go he doesn’t know where. Sam decides to have one last run with his buddy and he rips his shirt off and runs away with him. Oh, how cute. Dog love.

Over at the Old Compton Place, Bill and Sookie are getting home, and now we see what Bill bought for Jessica, and it’s a lot of pink. Bill brings up the fact that he misses petticoats, and Sookie mentions the Halloween store up the road that might have some. Right in the middle of this conversation, Bill and Sookie start sucking face, and when they go in, they see Jessica all up on Hoyt, but YAY, she didn’t eat him! They were just having sexy fun! Bill throws Jessica across the room, and when Hoyt sits up and says it’s okay, Bill gets all growly at him! Is he jealous? WTH?

Over at Lake Merlotte, Sam and the Collie run down the dock, but only Sam jumps in, and when he does, he turns back into Sam. Is that how it works? Hmm. The Collie runs off, and Sam does a merry naked swim until…what the hell? Where did Daphne come from? Sam wonders the same thing. Daphne is really different all the sudden, and they have a cute little conversation before Daphne is all OOOH, HOW’S THE WATER, and we see what’s coming. She starts stripping out of her clothes, and Sam is sort of o.O, the way a boss should be when he’s about to see an employee naked. And when Daphne takes off her shirt, Sam is all GUUUUH, but we get the back view, and we see that Daphne has THE SAME SCRATCHES THAT BMT GAVE SOOKIE! EEEP! OH NOES!

End credits.

Next week on True Blood, well, it’s not next week. THOSE BASTARDS. They’re making us wait two weeks! So in two weeks on True Blood, Lafayette is back to his pretty self and Eric is a sexy peeping tom! Reverend Douche Newlin and Jason have firearms training! Tara decides to move in with Sookie! Some hooded figure attacks Jason! They do stuff from the books! And somebody tells somebody they know what they are!! Don’t miss it!

Oh, and I was right. And I NEED THIS.